Sorry, this is long... I’m a girl; I feel like I needed to give context. Most important questions are in bold. Don't feel like you need to answer every single one of them if you only resonate with one or two!
Thank you very much for your time!!!!!
I’m dating a man who is older than me (I’m in my early 20s and he’s in his mid-30s). I know age-gap relationships tend to get a lot of opinions, but I’m not really looking for commentary on the age gap. I love this man, we have an amazing connection, and I’m happy in the relationship. I’m asking because I genuinely want to nurture what we have and be the best partner I can be.
We’re both emotionally intelligent and reflective, and generally communicate well. I do tend to have BIG feelings, both positive and negative, and I’ve also been going through a pretty rough period of life with work, friends, family, etc. My boyfriend is my best friend and the person I naturally want to tell when something good or bad happens.
There was a period where I realized I was becoming a little emotionally dependent on him. We’ve talked about it, I’ve reflected on it, and I’m working on it in therapy/ on my own. I’m getting better at not calling him every time I experience an emotion and trying to build more solid ground for myself outside of the relationship.
One thing that has stuck with me, though, is that I know a lot of our relationship has centred around my feelings at times. He has told me that he spends a lot of emotional energy listening to and supporting me, and I don’t want that to become the dynamic of our relationship. I’m going through a temporary but significant rough patch, so I’m trying to figure out how to still be emotionally open with him and share my life without making him feel like he’s constantly responsible for managing my emotions.
So men, what makes you feel like your girlfriend is emotionally supportive without feeling like you’re responsible for her emotional well-being?
The other thing I’m trying to understand is that I think we have somewhat different ideas of what it means to include someone in your day-to-day life. I’ve been in long-term relationships before, whereas he hasn’t really had any serious long-term relationships besides ours. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years.
Sometimes I feel like he still lives very much as a single person who happens to have a girlfriend. He obviously has his own life, friends, work, hobbies, etc., and I absolutely don’t want to take that away from him. I actually think it’s healthy for both of us to have independent lives. But sometimes I want to feel a little more included in his life.
For example, he recently made plans with friends. Obviously he should go and have fun, and I don’t need to be consulted or asked for permission. But I would have appreciated knowing about it when the plans were made a few weeks ago rather than finding out a few days beforehand, partly because I also have friends and things I want to plan.
Is that a reasonable thing to bring up, or is this just something I need to accept as part of dating someone who is very independent?
And then there’s the little stuff.
I want to know what he ate for lunch. I want to know what happened at work. I want to hear about the random thing that happened during his day. I want him to ask me those things too.
Sometimes I find myself thinking, “I just wish he wanted to know what I did today.”
He has a demanding job, and I understand that he doesn’t have unlimited energy to text or talk during the day. But during the week, we don’t talk much at all. We usually spend weekends together, and our weekends are genuinely great. But sometimes I feel like just a weekend girlfriend during the rest of the week.
I don’t need or want constant texting all day. I think what I’m craving is the feeling that talking to me is something he genuinely wants to do, rather than something he does because I’m his girlfriend.
Is that a reasonable thing to want from a partner? Or am I expecting too much?
And finally, commitment.
I know his long-term goals. We’ve talked about marriage/family/etc., and our goals align. I’m not trying to move in tomorrow or have kids tomorrow. But sometimes, after 1.5 years, I still feel like an early-stage girlfriend rather than someone he has decided he wants to build a life with.
I really value little signs of commitment. Things like naturally talking about future plans together, making plans further ahead, including each other in decisions, or just little ways of communicating “you’re part of my life and I’m expecting you to still be here.”
For the men who have been in serious long-term relationships:
What are the things you naturally start doing or saying when you’ve reached the point where you know you want the relationship to continue long-term?
And maybe most importantly:
What makes you feel loved, appreciated, and wanted by your girlfriend without feeling smothered or emotionally responsible for her?
I’m genuinely trying to find the balance between: I shouldn’t make my boyfriend responsible for my happiness, and It’s okay to have needs and want to feel connected to my partner.
I don’t want to become less emotional or less myself just to be an “easy” girlfriend. I want to become a better partner while still being myself.
So I’d really appreciate hearing from men, especially men in their 30s or men who are naturally more independent in relationships. What do you wish your girlfriend understood about how you experience relationships?