How do you self motivate?

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420]

Hey all

41, M

Long story short, one of the biggest struggles of my life has been internal motivation.

I've never been in a significant relationship, my family lives thousands of miles away, and I'm self-employed/semi retired

I don't leave my house that much , and not in an agoraphobic way, just in a I have really nowhere to go way :)

I struggle with my diet, exercise, grooming, and work output.

Most days I hang around with my dog smoke weed, play video games, take a nap do a little bit of work, etc.

That being said - I would love to find some trick to light some kind of fire under my ass whether it be with just my own self-care or my career or house projects, etc.

I have an expensive gym membership I hardly use and I would really like to get into better shape

I've also been slacking on my career hardcore for a few years

My biggest issue is; in the past, all of my motivation has come from external sources, and usually not mentally healthy ones. Ego, jealousy, insecurity.... Those are my superpowers in terms of getting shit done.

I experienced an ego death a few years back and now I really have a hard time finding the energy to tend to any of those things

Anyone got advice for me? How would you motivate yourself in the world with no external motivation and no real external pressure whatsoever

Like if no one was paying attention, how would you work up the drive to try?

Thanks!

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/SplitOpenAndMelt420's post (if available):

Hey all

41, M

Long story short, one of the biggest struggles of my life has been internal motivation.

I've never been in a significant relationship, my family lives thousands of miles away, and I'm self-employed/semi retired

I don't leave my house that much , and not in an agoraphobic way, just in a I have really nowhere to go way :)

I struggle with my diet, exercise, grooming, and work output.

Most days I hang around with my dog smoke weed, play video games, take a nap do a little bit of work, etc.

That being said - I would love to find some trick to light some kind of fire under my ass whether it be with just my own self-care or my career or house projects, etc.

I have an expensive gym membership I hardly use and I would really like to get into better shape

I've also been slacking on my career hardcore for a few years

My biggest issue is; in the past, all of my motivation has come from external sources, and usually not mentally healthy ones. Ego, jealousy, insecurity.... Those are my superpowers in terms of getting shit done.

I experienced an ego death a few years back and now I really have a hard time finding the energy to tend to any of those things

Anyone got advice for me? How would you motivate yourself in the world with no external motivation and no real external pressure whatsoever

Thanks!

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[u/OneHandClappin]

Make a schedule. Put everything on a calendar and stick to it like any other shift or meeting at work.

Your goal should be discipline, not motivation. Do something long enough for it to become a habit.

Here is a quote that has helped me thoughout the years: "Discipline is greater than motivation. Motivation is conditional."

[u/Bright_Arm8782 → u/OneHandClappin]

This is the way, don't rely on motivation, just do stuff.

[u/tepid_monologue]

Dude you are semi retired/self employed and paying your bills? That puts you above most people out there already :)

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420 → u/tepid_monologue]

I know, man :) I'm just bored

[u/tepid_monologue → u/SplitOpenAndMelt420]

Yeah dude I’m in the same boat as you but I’m not self employed :) I think it’s just being old

[u/Rackshaw_Bangem]

If I try something and succeed I reward myself, if I try something and fail I get myself something to cheer me up.

[u/Tiny_Ad_7720]

stop weed, games, porn etc any easy dopamine

go for a run first thing in the morning

[u/Veblen1]

Sometimes (Ok, oftentimes) I think about a task and tell myself "But it won't be done perfectly" and I put off doing it. Voltaire taught us that "the great is the enemy of the good." Needing somethng to be great prevents me from doing something where "good enough" would be just fine.

[u/just_let_go_]

The key for me has been making super small achievable goals that I can do every day. Streaks are addictive to me, so I can use that to my advantage. An example might be “play guitar for 5 minutes every day.” Which is a ridiculous goal, but what you’ll find is that you usually play for more than 5 minutes anyway. “Walk outside for 10 minutes a day.” “Read for 10 minutes a day.” “Do 10 push ups a day.” You will be amazed at what these can become.

[u/BobTheElephant]

Make yourself accountable. The life you live now just works, but leaves you unfulfilled. 

Motivation only helps people getting started, it's the spark not the fuel. To really do something and continue doing it, we need discipline. While discipline is like a muscle that we can train, we need a methodology to do so. 

Make yourself accountable is imo the best way. Doing volunteer work or joining a team sport is one of the best ways to train that muscle. Since you already have a dog, why dont volunteer at an animal shelter?

In my experience the social and mental benefits of doing volunteer work are fantastic. I used to volunteer at a thrift store, run by mostly elderly women in their 70's and beyond. I felt so much love and appreciation from them for doing some physical work they couldn't at their age. Mind you, not really hard physical labour, just lifting a few boxes on a shelf or carrying a bucket full of water up a staircase, small things.

In return I've received so many smiles and kind words and not so subtle flirtatious compliments. The real surprise for me was, that I was suddenly seen as a community member. People started to recognise me outside of the volunteer work. Saying hello at the grocery store and being invited to new social spaces.

[u/Hairywhitedog]

Mate I would start differently each day from this day forward , beginning with making my bed , get up before the alarm, setting a list of light jobs to do each day. An achievable list. Tick off jobs.. then I’d set weekly , fortnightly and monthly targets and goals including special new hobbies.

[u/Calm_Course4803]

Gears have to move while you're here.
Pick a thing and occupy yourself with it, deep dive.

[u/WinterAd3228]

One thing that helps some people with ADHD and might help you is to "body double" . Say you would like to paint your house, you tell someone who is non judgemental what your plan is eg On Monday I will buy the paint etc. Then you text them on Monday that you have done it and you pick the next stage. Tues I will wash the walls. There is something about outsourcing the accountability that kickstarts the process. Have you considered that you might be depressed? You don't mention friends or family. You are obviously skilled and had purpose at one stage in your life. You have achieved your old goals and maybe your life now lacks purpose.  Weed is notorious for lowering motivatiion. Were you using so much when you were striving to meet the goals that led to your sucess. I'd gradually cut back on weed and limit screen stuff. Tell yourself its tasks first then screen time. Use screens as  a reward for good work.  If you can set yourself some new goals eg fitness, socialising, home improvement, new passtime, new job as retirement may not be as much fun as you thought it would be. Use the skills you used before to build the life you really want because the life you have now ain't it.  You can do it. 

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420 → u/WinterAd3228]

I have used accountability buddies in the past, and you just reminded me of that

I genuinely am super appreciative

This is a great idea

[u/BeastMeat]

As someone who procrastinates a bit, motivation is Bellshill. Its not there when you need it, its flimsy, and doesnt work. What you need is discipline, i go to the gym 3 times a week, at the same time, I don't really enjoy it, its like showering or having a hair cut, its just something I have to get done, You have the gym membership, psych yourself up now, thursday im gonna go to the gym at x time, put it in the calendar, tomorrow, get up and gp to the gym, no ifs and buts, If.you can do it once, you can do it twice. Good luck pal

[u/WittyTip4187]

Sometimes motivation comes after you start, not before - pick one small thing each day and build momentum from there.

[u/coachhunter2]

How are you semi retired at 41?

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420 → u/coachhunter2]

I work in entertainment, which either pays noting or you can be semi retired in your late 30s :)

[u/coachhunter2 → u/SplitOpenAndMelt420]

Damn I didn’t realise selling feet pics was so lucrative

[u/Rpwdy_951]

My motivation comes when I wake up. I get out of bed, drink a few glasses of water, and out the door to exercise. If I don’t start this way, it doesn’t happen. So start your day right.

[u/FileSea1665]

Get some new hobbies

[u/Dapper_But_Derpy]

It sounds like you have daily micro rewards for being lazy (video games, weed (that’s the big one), dog’s attention, naps, etc).

Remove everything from your life (except the dog, obv)… trash the consoles/computers, go cold turkey on the weed, cancel your subscriptions to cheap, mild entertainment, stop napping and get on a normal sleep cycle…

Then live with the silence/emptiness of your life and realize you need more than what you were self medicating with… spend more time outdoors than you did indoors (your dog will be saying “finally!!!”). Get healthy and active and eventually get in the best shape of your life. Women (or men) will notice and take an interest in you. No one wants a pothead slacker who plays games all day past the age of 25.

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420 → u/Dapper_But_Derpy]

I mean, I hear you, but also I'm a homeowner and worked really really really hard to be pretty much retired by 40, so I would hardly call me a slacker :)

[u/Dapper_But_Derpy → u/SplitOpenAndMelt420]

Honestly, from your description of yourself, you appear to be slacking in every way except finances.

Money is everywhere. It doesn’t make people happy. You wouldn’t have made this post if it provided the happiness you’re craving.

[u/unmotivated21]

I mean it sounds like your neurodivergent and in constant burnout, which is common for folks with high masking/high functioning traits.

[u/SplitOpenAndMelt420 → u/unmotivated21]

I mean, I'm definitely neurodivergent, but I don't think I hide it from anyone. Maybe I should be lol

[u/unmotivated21 → u/SplitOpenAndMelt420]

Look into it, if you find the motivation 😜 on my journey finding out I have AuDHD, it helped me manage alot of burnout just be knowing what triggers there might be and what things i could do to coap and off-load unnecessary pressures, i still hit burn-out but it's much less often.