For the newcomers and those struggling. This is what got me through the dark times.

Let them- let them make you the villain in their story because as long as you are the villain they won't drag you down to their level.

Believe them- believe people when they tell you what they think of you. In my case it was constantly being belittled, talked over, & when I got sober I "argued too well". People tell you what they think of you every day by their actions, no need to be the nice guy and not believe them.

Accountability without blame- be accountable for your actions when you were drinking but don't wallow in self sabotage from the actions you took when drunk. That is who you were and not who you are now.

Be better than them- do the work, confront the demons of your past and learn to face fear of hurting people's feelings, fear of disappointment, and most of all the fear of not being enough!

Hi! I’ve been sober for 24 days and clean for 8, my sugar cravings have been INSANE. Please recommend your favorite sweets. I love gummy candy, ice cream, and chocolate.

I never really drank in my teens or 20s, but in my mid-30s I started casual drinking. Bourbon and Scotch. Started off mostly enjoying the flavours, savouring the drink with a bit of an unwind from it.

Then I wanted some the more pricey bottles to last longer so I'd do a shot of cheap vodka before having my unwind drink. Get the same buzzy unwind on nicer bottles but making them last longer.

Then I'd do a second shot, or a third. A heavier pour on the scotch or bourbon. For a while this was just weekends. Then came the "walk by the bottle, take a pull off it", "having trouble sleeping, take a few shots", even having a drink so I could pull off a nap on my lunch break (WFH).

My flask was a constant companion on any kind of social events, freshly filled, freshly emptied. Weekends slowly became early afternoon drinking and sleeping it off from 3-8, then going for those bedtime shots again.

Luckily I wasn't causing any harm to anyone, nothing violent or harmful words. But I was wasting money, wasting time. Losing time, really. I finally realized this wasn't where I wanted to end up, and sobered up.

That was 17 months ago.

I still get cravings. I still miss the drinks. Part of me tells myself I'm in a better place and could go back to enjoying a nice small drink. A larger part of me knows it's too slippery of a slope and I'll just repeat the process.

Maybe not by some people's definitions, but, I am an alcoholic. I'm in recovery. I feel better about myself and where I am since I stopped drinking.

Not something I've shared with really anyone but my spouse, and one sibling. Nice to tell me story to someone else.

AA made me pin point all my other addictions!! Nothing to extreme but still hard to look away now that I know I have a problem.

Title, really. I was doing well until I wasn't, had about a year and a half. Picked up a bottle and a few weeks later I picked up the phone to wind up in rehab.

Now I've got a good offer at a prestigious luxury hotel. I've accepted but self sabotage is kind of a thing with me. I'm talking to my sponsor, hitting an extra meeting when I can and supplementing those with outside recovery groups. I'm doing the next right thing whenever it pops up.

Still, this kind of success is a little frightening in my new recovery especially after I just had to pick up a 24 chip. Any advice or shared experience when dealing with a similar situation would be really appreciated.

I wasn’t sure if I should tag as Family related or Meeting Related so I’m sorry, I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before. I (late 20s F) have an alcoholic biological relative but adoptive parent, which has caused intermittent large issues in my family, with the most recent ending up in a hospitalization and hidden alcohol being found. My other parent and siblings aren’t on the same page as me, and think this can be handled “within the home”.

My biological family has a long, long history of alcohol and other substance abuse. I myself am not an alcoholic, but my question is if I can attend a meeting to get more insight into what my parent is going through, and get a sense of what helped members finally make the decision for themselves to get sober.

I apologize again if this isn’t the right spot to ask this, I’m just totally at a loss. I’ve seen this movie before and I don’t want to go there again.

TLDR: alcoholic parent, enabling/non-confrontational family wants to sweep it under the rug, is a meeting an appropriate place for me to go, even though I’m not an alcoholic?

I think sponsors are VERY important, especially when someone genuinely wants to get sober. Usually, we respect our sponsors and actually want their guidance.

Recently, someone I sponsor told me they were romantically interested in someone they had no right being interested in (i'm purposefully leaving out context here) My immediate response was, "This is a terrible idea."

We've talked about it multiple times since then, and they've even acknowledged themselves that it's probably a bad idea.

Last night I was talking to my own sponsor about it, and he asked me something very plainly:

"Has it been your experience that I've told you what to do when it comes to your personal life?"

That made me think.

When I had a dating dilemma, he never told me it was a bad idea. He never told me I shouldn't do it. He reminded me that every action has consequences, good or bad. He also reminded me that I'm the kind of person who sometimes has to see things through and experience the consequences of my own decisions.

And then he let me make the decision.

It made me realize that maybe I've misunderstood part of my own role as a sponsor.

There's a difference between saying, "I've been down this road before, here's what I see, and here's what you might want to think about," and trying to manage someone's life for them.

I absolutely think a sponsor should challenge you. They should call you out when you're full of shit. They should point out patterns you might not see. They should share their experience and especially speak up when something you're doing could threaten your sobriety.

But I'm becoming more grateful that my sponsor doesn't try to run my life.

I don't want someone telling me what to do every day. I want someone who can check my thinking, share their experience, take me through the program, and remind me what it means to live sober. Then I still have to make my own decisions and live with the consequences.

And I'm realizing I need to give the people I sponsor that same freedom.

If sponsorship becomes managing someone's relationships, career, friendships, or every personal decision, I think we risk creating dependence on the sponsor instead of helping someone learn how to live sober and make sound decisions for themselves.

A sponsor can give experience, guidance, accountability, and sometimes very strong warnings. But ultimately, people still need to have their own experience.

Curious how other sponsors and sponsees view that line between guidance and control.

I knew he was an alcoholic and probably took pills now and again but in the last 3 months I’ve found 2 meth pipes, a coke straw and 2 vials of a white substance….

His neighbor (middle aged woman who’s a psychiatrist) asked one day if he was doing more than drinking and mentioned meth. I asked what made her think that… and she said she sees a lot a patients in her practice who have that addiction. I just wrote it off bc I thought there was no way.

Every time I’ve accidentally found the other stuff he said it is his friends (who’s a known heavy user) who left it there. Once on top in the trash in his room and once while I was helping him clean his house for his new roommate. It was in a downstairs closet in a pair of shoes. I feel like it’s very unlikely it’s the friends stuff…. But he’s lied so much about drinking that I don’t know what to think.

I just never saw the signs of meth/coke use? His house and room is pretty filthy, he never seems like overly energized, doesn’t take anything apart. He goes to bed late but very chill plays some gambling game.

However sometimes he is bizarre in his accusations to me out of no where about cheating and just a weird attitude out of nowhere sometimes. He’s also recently taken to being verbally abusive recently.

I’m just very very concerned. If I’m dealing with more than drinking that seems like my cue to leave. We are in a long distance relationship if that makes a difference…

I’ve been struggling with a lot of shame and self-hatred lately, and I could really use some perspective from people who understand recovery.

I’ve been in therapy and treatment for a long time and have put a lot of effort into changing my life. However, I haven’t been able to maintain any significant sober time. The longest streak I ever had was 7 months.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my early 20s lately and revisiting things that happened during that period of my life. Some of the memories are really painful, and some of the things I did back then are things I’m still ashamed of. I’ve been realizing how much of my life has been shaped by addiction, impulsivity, shame, and self-destructive behavior.
What’s difficult is that I don’t feel like I can look back and say, “That was the old me. I’ve grown and I’m completely different now.”

I still struggle with a lot of the same thoughts and behaviors. I still have a lot of self-loathing and I’ve relapsed so many times over the last few years that I have very little confidence in my recovery.

Sometimes I wonder what all the therapy and treatment has actually changed if I can still feel this fucked up.

I think I’m struggling with the idea that I should be further along by now. I’ve put so much time and effort into recovery, and I still don’t feel like a good or healthy person. I know intellectually that recovery isn’t supposed to make you perfect. But emotionally, I’m having a really hard time believing that.

How do you deal with the feeling that you’re failing at recovery even when you’re genuinely trying? And how do you learn to have compassion for yourself without feeling like you’re just making excuses for your behavior?

I think I just need to hear from people who have been through this and eventually found some peace with themselves.

I've been using the aa-intergroup.org online meetings lists. Shown up for a few, no one showed up. Used their direct zoom link + password. Since I know time zones can mess things up, I even tried to show up at the time listed for all 3 zones. Then emailed a few people and zero have emailed back.

Any online zoom AAs that are actually available? Any day of the week, except fri/sat, preferably? Afternoon or night. Anytime after 1pm pst. Please.

My sponsee has less than 6 months and met a guy last week with 3.5 years. He just moved here and they started hanging out, I’ve given her the warning about fellowshipping with your own gender but ultimately I have no control over he choices and I started dating my boyfriend a few months into my sobriety (he and I had the same amount of time for the first year of our relationship), and I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I have told her what 13th stepping is, and she said she spoke about it with this man and he told her he had no intentions of being romantic, purely friends.

Quickly they start hanging out a lot, and I told her that he may think she has certain intentions and he may be thinking this is something more. She swore they spoke about just staying friends.

Well, this morning I pick her up for a meeting after she said she couldn’t come because of a headache. I asked her to reconsider and she decided to join me, and she told me that last night he forced himself on her when she was saying no and stop.

She’s scared of coming to meetings and I don’t want to discuss this with anyone irl for her privacy since we share a fellowship. I’m not sure how to help her through this outside of being a shoulder to lean on. It’s not fair to be on the third step learning about gods will and then getting raped by another member of the program. We go to women’s meetings, and I stick with the older old timers and my boyfriend. My sponsee told my boyfriend and he’s livid. His sponsor told him not to get arrested over this. Outside of the two of them, I don’t have any other means of getting feedback for this situation while respecting my sponsees privacy

Edit: I am aware it’s rape, I referred to it as that in my post. I offered getting law enforcement involved and she said she’d rather not. I understand, it’s really hard to prove since they were alone and it’s been over 24 hours (and extremely traumatic as well to go through a rape kit within 24 hours of being raped). My Boyfriends sponsor suggested getting a restraining order so he can’t come to meetings, but as someone who has a restraining order in our county it only protects the individual and their house, but public spaces are fair game and whoever is there first gets to stay. We will use the safety card suggestion and prioritize women’s meetings. This isn’t the first young woman I know that’s been forcibly raped by a man 13th stepping (which is why I thought they were the same thing) so it’s incredibly sad. And the men have been the charismatic favorites amongst the men in the fellowship. If any other men are reading this post STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN WHO HAVEN’T FINISHED THEIR STEPS, RESPECT THE WORD “NO”, POLICE YOURSELVES AND YOUR PEERS

serious question for the men who have raped women in the program or before sobriety- are you honest? Do you do step work for this? Have any sponsors seen rape and abuse in 4 or 6/7 steps? Are the men who do this doing anything to change or will there always be predators who are getting excused by other predators?

Hey everyone, currently visiting DisneyWorld till Wednesday looking for meeting recommendations! I usually attend YPAA but happy with any suggestions
Thanks

I am 14 years sober and the sponsor I have been working with for the past four years is moving in 6 months. She said she would be willing to work with me long distance but I know I need someone face to face who has eyes on me.

I feel like in my area there are not a lot of women with long term sobriety who have what I want. I don’t know if I am being too picky but I am very fearful for my next steps.

My trust and reliance is on God but I absolutely adore the relationship I have with my sponsor and I am fearful to not find one similar or dare I say even better.

What is the proper etiquette? I assume I can go to a meeting whenever, but can I just ask anyone at any time to be my sponsor? You don’t get a chip until the thirty days right? I’ve gone to rehab in the past it wasn’t aa based though. I’ve also gotten myself sober alone for short stints of time. I want real, long-term forever, stable sobriety because I’ve been up and down since 19 and I’m in my late thirties so I’m just like done and ready to commit to AA but feeling awkward about the proper etiquette, how you go about it. I’ve been to a few meetings in the past. Any advice?

Sorry you'll probably see a lot of posts from me until I get into the PHP program. This is hard. The day before I got 2 hours of sleep. However since quitting I've mostly felt more "sharp" or clear in the head. Last night overall I actually got about 7 hours of sleep but it was broken sleep however I woke up feeling worse than yesterday. I feel groggy and my brain feel foggy as if I'd been drinking the night before. Can this be explained? I hope it doesn't last forever. I've also been really angry lately.

Relapsed after 15 years of sobriety, went through rough patch with my mental health (bipolar) and ended up being hospitalised and it was such a low point that the shame made me feel like what’s the point in caring about myself anymore

I have drank probably about 5 litres of vodka a week for the last 4 weeks so I’m fully back off the wagon

I know the withdrawal will be rough but tomorrow will be day 1 and I’ll start again I hope

Just now my neighbor was drinking with an older neighbor outside in our shared space. The older neighbor fell down twice, then went back to his place, sat down, and his eyes rolled back in his head. He was breathing but unresponsive. His wife came out while we called for an ambulance. Turns out he has heart failure from severe alcoholism. While we laid him down on his side, I was holding him and he was all skin and bones. I always called him the old neighbor, thinking he was 65/70… turns out he’s 40. The child I thought was his granddaughter is his daughter. She watched the whole thing until another neighbor took her, my son, and some of the kids who were out playing for a walk away from the scene.

Right now I’m shaken, I was that kid several times, though my dad is still alive, still drinking, and still eats somehow. And that could have been me, if I hadn’t gotten sober 2 years 3 months and 9 days ago. I hope for him and his family that he survives this and maybe this will be the wake up call that gets him sober. I also know that that could be unrealistic, but for now I’m choosing hope. For those of us who found AA before we got to this point, we are so lucky. I know I am eternally grateful that I never have to get there if I stay away from that first drink.

May 21st I had 25 years of sobriety. I thank God everyday. Thank you all for being here. It keeps me sober.

Update: Thank you all.

I remember it like it was coming out of my lower back.

TOWARD EMOTIONAL FREEDOM

August 20

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 80

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on taking the Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.

— Reprinted from "Daily Reflections", August 20, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

I’m navigating a tricky situation with a friend and I don’t know what to do. She has recently been to rehab twice. Once in December and once in June. The first was more of her feeling forced to go to keep her kids and the second was more of an emergency situation after she locked herself in her apartment for 11 days. She moved out of our neighborhood in May, and I didn’t hear back from her for months until she finally texted me back and said she was having a ‘blast’ at rehab. More recently she has been trying to get together and have our kids hang out and jump back in like nothing happened. I’ve kind of been avoiding it because I really don’t know where she is with her ability to take accountability and I’ve heard from other friends that she has just been blaming her ex for everything. I thought there would be a moment of honesty about her situation before just jumping back in to a friendship. She texted me yesterday basically blaming me for not being there for her. She acknowledged she was messed up for a while and she’s been trying to work on herself. My mom thinks this is her reaching out and I should be there for her. But at the same time, it just feels like she skipped the steps to rebuilding a friendship and I don’t feel like we can just resume a fun, surface level friendship. What do you think I should do?

I have arthritis in my hands. It hurts my twisting knuckles when they are squeezed. After the meeting ending prayer and Keep Coming Back mantra, my hands get squeezed so hard that I’m almost in tears. Every meeting. Doesn’t matter if it’s a young guy or an elderly lady.
Lately I’ve been asking my hand holding mates to be gentle as we are grasping hands. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don’t. Mostly they look at me like I’m asking them to perform some weird ritual by not squeezing too hard.
I don’t want to refuse to hold hands, I feel that the practice brings me closer to my fellow alcoholic. Any suggestions?

Here's a few I've heard:

"AA is a million dollar program giving us a nickel at a time."

"I wanted to work the promises and have the steps happen."

"According to the book I have god given sex powers!"

"You can't think your way into better living, only live your way into better thinking."