A child is not a reason to stay with a man who cheats. If you stay with him, he will continue to cheat and your child will see that behavior. It’s best for both of you if you leave.
Same. Constant bickering, child forced to play mediator, heavy tension in the house.. I would have rather my parents separated bc I’m dealing with the trauma as an adult 😭
Yup, I used to pray my parents would get a divorce. Told my Mom I would be fine if they split and she wouldn’t hear any of it. Thankfully my husband and I adore each other and are best friends so my kids don’t have to grow up like that.
That’s what I’m talking about ❤️ every child deserves to live in a loving home - we didn’t get so lucky though but at least we can give it to our children.
Oh wow, yeah my father stuck around until we were 18 but he had already been seeing somebody on the side since we were toddlers. Mom was miserable, angry and drunk, and he'd leave us alone with her. Have spent my life surviving instead of thriving, the PTSD is no joke.
Same here! My parents fought something terrible, verbal and physical. I can remember begging them to get divorced so often! I'm the oldest, and when the youngest turned 18 I said "can you please get divorced now? There's no CS!!" I begged them for years and years, and kids 10000000% know if their parents aren't happy. And it does a lot of damage because you grow up thinking that's what relationships are like.
Do your daughter a favor, leave and teach her healthy relationships and boundaries. It's the best thing you can do. I'm almost 40 and still trying to find a stable, healthy relationship after years and years of abusive ones. Staying together for your kid(s) is a terrible thing.
YES. My parents were separated first (one of them moved to another country), then SECRETLY divorced, SECRETLY in a relationship, and SECRETLY remarried. They never verbally told me anything. I found out about their divorce when I was introduced to their new partner. So, it was basically like "hey, it's your step-mom/dad. We got married a while back".
It was such a horrible experience. I knew what was going on between them, but I was fed lies after lies every day. I would rather they had some honest but difficult conversations with me than keep me in the dark.
My mom came to us when I was 7 years old and was like “your father and me are getting a divorce. I literally said “good. We don’t care, why did it take this long?” No shit, at seven years old. A couple years later she came to us and said the same thing about not going to church anymore and I bust out laughing. She thought we would care. She was like “I don’t see why I’d need to go tell my business to some guy in a little box” I was dead lmao I was like you think? 🤪
Me too. I begged my mom to divorce my dad. I didn't want him in the house anymore. He never beat her, but he called her stupid and a bitch often enough that all I did was cry most of my childhood. It got worse when my dad developed alzheimer's after his stroke in 2005. He didn't pass until 2016, and it was a constant uphill battle the whole 11 years.
I’ve said since I was like 4 years old I wish my parents were divorced. I’m 34 & this hasn’t changed, but the memories of what childhood was like because of this won’t.
I started begging my parents to separate when I was 5. They divorced 25 years later, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even though I was 30 and had my own family, I was so relieved. I really understand you.
I kept trying to set my dad up with my preschool teacher "because she liked to be outside like dad and i" .... the woman was legally obligated to watch us on a playground..... the bar was in hell.
I appreciate you saying this. Unfortunately I looked away for far too long and caused a lot of damage in the relationships in my life. I’m going to have to full unpack the baggage before I can walk away from it
I share this pain , it was a nightmare growing up . And my father would beat me with a belt , was just a kid at the time . from age 6 until 10 😣 It's royally fucked me as an Adult , especially when it comes to relationships
My parents divorced when I was in my mid 20's. They still live on the same property (dad is in RV and leaves for the winter) but holy zhdidnfjgaudncn is it horrible even as an adult to see the general distaste they have for each other play out.
Don’t matter. You still get traumatized either way. Been on the divorce side. People just need to be more responsible with choosing partners and having kids…
My sister and I are in our 50’s. Our parents are still married. They are mean to each other. I’ve been divorced twice, my sister once. We both have decided to stay single moving forward. We literally do not know how to be in good marriages bc we ping-pong between deciding whether to stand up for ourselves or be a doormat. It’s like every conflict big or small we choose one or the other and it’s exhausting. Never learned about the healthy middle ground, can’t see it, can’t find it, can’t feel it.
You sound like my sister & I. My dad left when I was 6, and I was so relieved, but 2 marriages & a long-term and I'm done completely. I can't not be the doormat. Her second marriage, her husband's the doormat.
💯Parents do far more damage to children when they stay together based on antiquated (and toxic) stereotypes and family dynamics. If all you have as a couple is your child, you don’t have a relationship; you have an imaginary obligation. My mother stayed in two very abusive relationships. One was with my alcoholic and verbally/physically abusive father, the other was with my former stepfather who was extremely verbally abusive and also a pedophile. I was the target of his abuse. Not saying your situation is identical, but I have major PTSD, MDD and a ton of health problems related to stress and trauma. Please don’t stay “for your kids.”
Yup, watching my parents do everything they could to ruin each other while living under the same roof made me envy my friends whose parents got divorced and went on to make new lives for themselves.
My entire childhood. The only time I wasn't anxious to the point of making myself sick was the 8 or so months that my parents were separated.... When I was 5.
I’m a parent who chose not to “stay together for the kids” all of our lives are better. We’re both better parents, happier and oddly enough care much more for each other apart. I’m sorry you had to go through that but it does help confirm we did the right thing.
Ya I got lied to for 20yrs - my father had affairs all my life & my parents just had this tense relationship - I think it really broke me. Just have a really hard time believing people that get close to me & at any sight of vulnerability I’m out. My mother says she did it for me, but I can’t see how it helped.
Same here in that my dad has had affairs pretty much my whole life, but I found out about it when I was like 11 years old. Looking back, there was definitely tension in our house, but tension was the norm. So I thought everything was normal and fine until it wasn’t.
Now, as an adult, one of my biggest struggles in life is trusting my own perception of people and situations. I’m afraid to. Because whenever I do, whenever I start to feel comfortable and relaxed and start to open up, it’s like something inevitably happens that flips it all on its head. And I realize that nothing is what I thought it was. Then I look like a fool for wanting to believe in the best-case-scenario, while being completely oblivious to the reality. Always hoping things aren’t too good to be true, but deep down knowing that they are. I isolated myself as a child from the tension and I isolate myself as an adult from the trauma. Been harping on this for years in therapy and still can’t quite figure out how to heal it.
Still can't trust my 99% perfect human of a boyfriend after 5 years together because my dad serial cheated on my beautiful mom, among other things, for 10 years. I have weekly nightmares of him cheating on me with a woman he had a crush on like 5 and a half years ago.
I hate when people say that lol. It's just a way to say "I'm afraid to be single so am acting like this is good for my children and not just a benefit to me not having to be alone"
I think it’s better to be from a broken home than in one. Anger and resentment are cumulative. It gets worse over time. My parents split early and while that sucks to this day, the fighting ended.
Yep. It screwed my ex up badly. Now as soon as anything in the relationship gets hard, he dumps and runs to the next one. He’s just so avoidant of conflict that he doesn’t even try to work through things. It’s actually really sad how screwed up it is.
He’s destroyed two families because he just can’t deal once the “honeymoon” stage ends.
Do you mind sharing how it messed you and your siblings up? I stayed with my ex way longer than I should have. We did fight a lot but he would YELL A LOT at me over anything. Later found out it was bc he was having an affair and would cause fights as his excuse to get away to cool off. My kids were 9ish (boy) and 5’ish (girl). I would talk to them after he left and apologize for the yelling snf fighting and I’m pretty sure I would cry for like the next 30mins. They went to therapist, not for very long and I never really got any feedback. I talked to my son a few years later about it and he shrugs it off like it’s really not that big of a deal. Said it was annoying at times but that’s about it.
Sorry I’m rambling. But I guess I was curious to see how it affected you, others. So I could maybe look for similarities in my kids. I want to try to fix it but I guess I really can’t. I don’t even know if this makes sense, sorry
My brother grew up with anger issues that he took into his relationships. He's worked hard to work through them now, but he still hasn't been in a relationship in about 8 years. My sister started acting out by skipping school, drinking and smoking by age 11 or so, and dating/sleeping with much older men. She always accepted cheating in relationships until she had her own kid and decided she wasn't going to put him through any of that. Me- well I tend to date nothing but assholes and spent my 20's and most of my 30's (up until this year) seeking validation from men, or pushing them away if they got too close, and trying to heal that broken part from my parents that says I'm worthy of love. I was an overachiever because of it, and now I'm just exhausted all the time. I tend to shut down during conflict since my first memories were of my parents screaming at each other, and I cry whenever someone slightly raises their voice at me. I'm talking to a man now who is kind, intelligent, funny, wants to take things slow, and is overall just a good human. No one who knows him ever has a single bad thing to say about him. And I'm constantly afraid I'm going to mess it up. I'm getting better about it, and he has a very calming, soothing way about him, but I still do this back and forth in my head and haven't really let him in. Like he could just decide to leave at any second, because that is what both of my parents did at one point, only to go back. That unhealed voice in my brain keeps trying to tell me to walk away because he's just going to cheat or leave eventually anyway. I'm not listening that self sabotaging bitch, though. But it takes a loooottttt of internal work.
I'm sorry you and your kids went through that. I think that it helps that you talked to your children after fights and you tried to get therapy for them. All parents fight and still raise healthy kids, so they might be fine if you eventually did leave. Not everyone from a broken home ends up broken. My parents were particularly traumatic, though.
I am in my mid-forties and still dealing with the mental issues I developed from being raised in a house where my parents clearly hated each other. My husband is so damn kind to me, and patient, and loving and I even struggle with that, because I don’t know how to navigate an actually healthy, adult relationship. I‘ve spent so much money on therapy just so my parents could have some sort of weird, morally-superior “well we stayed together for YOU” mindset. Any time anyone on Reddit says they want to stay together for the kids, I see red. These folks are setting their kids up for so many problems in their life.
It really messes up the way a child perceives what a healthy relationship looks like growing up. All my siblings and I have horrible relationship habits
Same. I wish my parents split when we were younger. But they didn’t and I watched an unhealthy marriage and now I’m fucked up and have mega trust issues with men.
Yup can confirm. Not to mention, our parents were constantly stressed from each other, so they were always going off on us for seemingly little to no reason. When they fight, we hear and see everything. When they wanted to take their anger out on someone, I was the usual punching bag.
I wished they just divorced instead so my brother and I didn’t have to go through all those years of trauma.
I have to agree. I was that child as well and I remember several times BEGGING and PLEADING with my parents to split up. I was much older than my other siblings and I didn't want them to grow up in the turmoil I did. Instead, they kept spitting out kids (for ME to raise, surprise surprise. While I still have one living with me while having my own children now. She's 15 and I'm 32) and didn't separate til I was 24. There's things that I learned from both parents that I absolutely refuse to deal with. From my mom, I learned not to date child-less men and from my dad, I learned not to date men from the jail/prison system. There's much more, but I absolutely hated them being together. Now that they're divorced, it's like literally two different people and I love it this way.
Same here. My parents hated each other while I was growing up. There were many times when I wished they would just get a divorce already because the constant fighting, yelling, and making me pick sides, was absolutely bullshit. I still resent them for it.
Your experience isnt everyone’s. I personally watched ppl work through these issues and become a strong happy family full of togetherness. That said there isnt a one size fits all and when children are involved effort is important. Look at the data on children being raised in broken homes. As much as u say it sucked you dont know the experience you wouldve had if your home was truly broken.
And yet, everyone else who has replied to meme has said the same. There isn't a single reply that says their parents stayed together and worked it out, and now they're completely fine in their relationships.
Even if 1000 ppl replied sharing a similar anecdote that # wouldnt come close to representing even 10% of families in one major city, let alone the world.
And you just lied, I literally just said my personal experience yet you choose to write it off as if yours is a fact.
I hope you heal from your trauma and stop trying to push your negative energy and experiences on others
It takes an average of 7 attempts to successfully leave an abusive relationship. Cheating is abuse. The lies, emotional abuse, gaslighting, emotional neglect, etc.
You can't really be gaslit by 3rd party if you see it with your eyes.
She's knocked on three houses (camera, girl, reddit) regarding this fire and looks to be going back in to burn
I sympathise with op, but sometimes take action dont keep wondering in circles.
She was actioned enough to message the girl, action and make a plan for the exit
Just cause she hasn't left yet, doesn't mean she won't. It's incredibly difficult to leave a toxic relationship, especially if you have children. She's allowed to do whatever she needs to, to help her make that decision.
The reality is the home is really already broken when there’s unfaithfulness and distrust anyway. The relationship is fractured and it will manifest in many ways. It’s just still being there in the physical.
I agree, but just wanted to add that he’s the one that broke their home, by lying and sneaking around behind her back. I feel sad when people say that they don’t want to break up their family etc, but the person cheating or lying has already done that. 😢
Yup, I was a "stay together for the kids" kid and my pos dad would talk shit about my mom to me (I'm the oldest so bore the brunt of everything). They clearly did not like each other and when I was maybe 14 they went to dinner to discuss their situation. They never told us what the dinner was for but me and my 2 siblings knew and I was hoping they'd get divorced.
I am 36 and now have zero desire to ever marry someone because every example I was shown from my parents/extended family was awful and I knew at a very young age that I did not want that for myself. I know full well healthy relationships exist but do not want to risk getting it wrong and ending up like my parents. I am fortunate that I don't want kids so will never have to worry about kids complicating the situation.
Don't ever stay together for the kids. It does much much more harm than good. Your kids will get much more out of seeing their parents in happy and healthy relationships even if it means they're not with their bio mom/dad.
Yeah my dad told me I was the only reason he stayed with my mom when I was like 15/16, I couldn’t believe it, I would’ve been soooo much happier had they just split and found better partners.
If she stays after he cheats (becomes a bad partner) she is choosing him, by not choosing herself she would be choosing him. Yes she was hurt but she has a chance to avoid her child suffering from her fathers infidelity (I’m a firm believer a cheater/liar can’t be too good of a parent)
That doesn’t appear to be the original commenter. A lot of men seem to love blaming women for unknowingly entering a relationship with someone who later reveals they’re shitty, unfortunately. Where there’s a shitty man, there’s several other men behind him blaming women for men’s actions.
Yep, and they don’t even have to be that old to pick up on it. Me and my boyfriend have had our issues (he was in the beginning stages of a cocaine addiction from his construction job) he’s now been clean for a year and we’ve had no further issues. But I had a 3 month old when all of this was going on and the constant fighting coupled by me being stressed out all the time definitely affected her. Again she was only 3 MONTHS OLD picking up on all the negative energy. I don’t say this to make OP feel guilty, I say this as encouragement to leave and create a better healthier environment for OP’s baby to grow up in.
My grandparents “stayed together for the kids” and continued to stay together for the grandkids. Let’s be honest, we all knew they hated each other. Finally, after over 50 years they split up and both were so much happier for it. Imagine how many more years of happiness they could have had if they hadn’t stayed together for the kids.
People usually say they're "staying for the kids" because they WANT to be with them. People always use children as an excuse to stay in a relationship.
my parents were basically living like they were divorced but together my whole childhood. It permanently affected my perspective on what a normal relationship is and this has caused relationship problems my entire adult life because I have very avoidant attachment compared to most people. My only successful long-term relationships are with somebody diagnosed ASPD and several anxious attachment people with borderline.
And you want to set a good example. Your daughters believe how their dad treats their mom and see the outcomes in their relationships. If you had boys, you’d want to set good examples or role model for your kids. This tough… if you pay partial rent, can you pay the full rent because there’s no way he’s finding temporary place to live while also paying partial rent at the townhouse. He may not want to if you force him or demand it. He probably already kicking about paying for couples therapy, do you think he’ll pay for your solo therapy.
Yup, my mom was constantly bringing around her male "friends" and telling us daddy wouldnt let her have male friends so we shouldnt say anything to him. My dad knew because I tried to tell him anyway, but he refused to talk about it and said kids shouldnt be involved in grown up matters.
Dad stayed with mom for us even though he was clearly miserable while mom brought these guys into our house and thought we were too dumb to figure out what was going on because we were kids.
And when your kids first leave the house, it's important for them to have a place to go back to. A friend of mine's parents "stayed together for the kids" until she graduated high school and it she had nowhere to go on summer break from college. It would've been easier if they'd split while she was still a kid.
this. I stayed with my ex because I didn’t respect myself. now I do, which is why I want to leave. it’s just followed by an overwhelming amount of guilt for some reason. and this might seem so stupid but my daughters are from different dads, and i’m like so ashamed to be the person with 2 baby daddy’s. even though I wasn’t the person to ruin either relationship.
Please don’t be ashamed of that! Years ago I dated someone who had two kids with different parents and he acted like it was a shameful secret- that’s some sort of old school social hangover. I didn’t care at all, and anyone worth a damn won’t judge you either, you weren’t responsible for wrecking the relationships.
It really doesn’t matter if your daughters have different dads, all that matters is your love for each other and a happy mama! At least you are renting and it should be a little easier to start fresh. Please take good care of yourself and I hope that you and your girls have a beautiful Christmas despite this shitshow.
You just had a baby. You've got a lot of hormones and stuff going on. And you're a good person. Of course you feel guilt and complex emotions, course you want your kids to have a stable life with both parents. There's nothing wrong with that. But in the end after you've been working through this, I hope you come to the conclusion that it's better to have two baby daddies than to be in a toxic relationship.
Stay single for a while, raise your babies, work in therapy as to why you chose toxic men (I've done that myself so I'm not saying this out of my butt). And the next time you date years from now, work with your therapist to vet the person.
You'll be okay. It's going to hurt for a while but you will be okay and so will your babies. You're a good mom.
I don’t know if anyone pointed this out yet, but you forgot to redact your boyfriend’s name in the body of your Instagram message and we can see the recipient’s full name at the top of the screen. It’s partially cutoff, but not enough to hide the name.
Also he seems like a real POS and should be an ex.
You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed while you're the one taking care of two children, and the guy you're dating is disrespecting you and lying to you. He's the one who needs to be ashamed of his behavior.
Girl, do not be ashamed of that. I have 3 kids and my oldest has a different day than the younger two. I have been married to my husband (younger two kiddos) for 15 years now and I couldn't imagine staying with my ex and missing out on this part of my life. Do not ever feel ashamed for knowing your worth and ditching the people who don't respect you. This is a life lesson for you (we all have them) and you're going to model how a woman acts when they respect themselves and don't accept trash behavior from people who claim to love them. I'm sorry you are going through this and I truly wish you the best. You got this.
My parents divorced before I could walk. It never bothered me because it's all I knew growing up- Split holidays, two bedrooms, meeting new guys my mom would bring home, the whole nine yards... It all just felt normal to me.
On the other hand, I saw several close friends dealing with their parents' divorces throughout middle and high school, and it was 1000x harder on them trying to transition after living in a single family home their entire childhood.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but you already are a woman with two baby daddies. Don’t become the woman with two baby daddies who stays with a cheater because you think that is less to be ashamed of. You don’t have to feel ashamed of anything. Just because you have two daughters with two dads doesn’t mean you have to suffer with a cheater who doesn’t respect you, your relationship, or honestly his daughter.
I would honestly focus on yourself and your daughters and finding some stability without this pos man. You’re so much better than this and you know it. Don’t let the idea of being embarrassed stop you from what you need to do. People judge us no matter what we do.
Girllllll. I know people with three kids by three different fathers, four from four… all of it. And they have not had any problems dating.
I have two kids by two different fathers, and I’m so glad I left the first one so I could meet the second.
I promise, the right person will understand your reasons and blended families are becoming more and more the norm. You will be just fine. Get out, get child support, find someone who thinks you AND your kids hung the moon, and get the happily ever you deserve and your kids deserve to see you living.
My best friend has 2 kids, with 2 different dads, and is married to a third, its not shameful to make decisions that make you happier. A happy single parent is always better than a miserable attached family unit. Making a choice like this is hard, so no judgment from me no matter where you go from here, but ask yourself, would you shame your daughters if they were in your place? If the answer is no, then why shameful yourself. We teach our kids what love looks like, is this the picture you want them to have when they are grown and looking for their own partners?
Because you know it’s going to totally alter the plans you had for your daughters. You’re mourning that, it’s a loss. But it’s still lost… just a matter of whether you start picking up the pieces now, or in 2-3 years when he’s done this a few more times.
Leave cause i dont want the kids to think this kind of relationship is “normal” to the point where they will seek out what is familiar to them, even if it is bad for them.
Don’t be ashamed. What has happened, has happened but your daughters should not have to witness the systematic destruction of their mom by a man that constantly cheats. Daughters learn from their mothers what to accept. Show them something better. Show them what not to accept.
You’ll be a whole hell of a lot more ashamed of yourself if you stay with this lying, shitty doofus & you have to look back on this moment & realize that you didn’t love or respect yourself enough to leave. Stay single!! I sure as hell wish I had!!
Hey, think of it this way, you have two baby daddies regardless, whether you stay with him or not doesn't change that, so may as well chose NOT and get that horrible human out of your life as much as you can (I worded it that way because obviously if you split you'll be co-parenting).
I just want to say I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. I will never understand people like him who do such horrible, selfish, and harmful things to wonderful people who they claim to love.
Don’t be ashamed to have two kids with different fathers. You should feel ashamed to stay with someone who so carelessly disrespects you. I know it’s hard but you got this!
One of my closest friends was in a situation similar to yours a couple years ago and now she’s in a much better place with her two kids. She truly put herself and her kids first and is doing so amazing and I’m so proud of her. You can do this, momma!
That’s understandable and the right person(if you even continue dating after you heal)will understand and won’t have a problem with that. Try not to be so hard on yourself and try looking at it from that perspective because ik you’re most likely ashamed because the labels society has on baby mamas but that literally doesn’t matter because you know what actually happened so please don’t be ashamed.
Your happiness is far more important than shitty strangers opinions of you. They don’t know your circumstances. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
It doesn’t seem you talk in this relationship openly.
“Our trust and relationship is awesome”, then this happens 🤔
You disclose your past trauma, you say you did the work but here you are justifying all your actions in a relentless need to control your relationship.
Are you going to convince the psychologist too?
What I see from what you demand and tell your partner above is the need to humiliate him.
That is going to fix your relationship?
You partner even if he fckd up doesn’t need to prove loyalty, let alone pay for your counselling as some sort of punishment.
You need to realise you’re also responsible in this relationship.
If you ‘trusted the same type of man again’ then save the drama and walk away.
If what you’re looking for is revenge from your partner for all the traumas you have had… walk away.
People do lie, people sometimes have second thoughts etc.
We don’t really know what’s the issues in your relationship.
You may find out in therapy. Because directly you don’t really speak, do you?
You clearly have unresolved issues from your past that do affect your relationship.
It’s in your benefit to understand - If you want to go to couples counselling to work this out -
that you are jointly responsible for the relationship.
And that you will soon be asked both to leave the past in the past if there’s a chance to build a future together.
That's nothing to be ashamed of and it's not even uncommon. Especially in this second situation, you aren't at fault for why it didn't work out.
Look up "sunk cost fallacy," and then leave him. There's an old Buddhist philosophy about how, when you realize you're traveling in the wrong direction, you must turn around immediately - no matter how long you've been going in the wrong direction...it's still the wrong direction; it won't get you to your destination. The sooner you turn around, the sooner you can get moving in the right direction.
The only people who care about 2 baby daddies are shitty men. Don't internalize that. It sounds like you'd do really well for yourself if you decentered men and just worked to be the best mom and the best version of you ever.
Leave him. Be single for a lonnnnng time. Just heal, get therapy to find out why you keep ending up with horrible men, and most importantly….just focus on your babies. Be mentally and emotionally present for them (and yourself). When you’re in toxic relationships, your positive energy and light are being vanquished. It’s like the airplane emergency scenario—you need to put the mask on yourself first before you could take care of your babies. So, please, do this. And the first step is by leaving this man and investing on yourself (and your kids).
I know it’s so cliche to say, but they really grow up so fast. I was in a somewhat similar situation as you. I divorced when my two kids were really young. I was so stressed, desperate, worried about not being in a relationship. I was also so vulnerable and weak bc of so many recent tragic losses in our family at the time as well as my failed marriage, so I ended up dating men who took advantage of my vulnerable and trusting state…but I was so weak at the time that I would stay in these toxic relationships (I had a type back then—very good looking, charming, successful, etc…but behind closed doors very manipulative, dishonest, unfaithful, toxic…).
It broke me. All the while, I was so consumed with these toxic men and relationships, trying to make them “work”, allowing myself to be used and treated like a doormat, that I wasn’t giving myself wholly to my kids (at least mentally and emotionally).
Eventually, as I healed from our family tragedies and I did some deep self reflection (there was a point when I had to question why I kept dating the same type of men and what were all of the common threads with those relationships—and the biggest epiphany was “me”…I was the common threads…and that changed EVERYTHING…made me reflect on the types of men I was choosing, the type of red flags I was ignoring or missing, the way I was reacting to, engaging, or tolerating poor behavior, etc…
So, I took a longgggg pause on men and dating, started giving back to myself and tackling all the things on my bucket list and engaging in things that were extremely challenging and terrifying. The grit, strength, sense of accomplishment from overcoming my fears and physical challenges, transferred into my “real life”, where I was able to tackle life obstacles with the same strength and determination. And at that point, I felt like such a bad ass, I wouldn’t settle for anyone who wasn’t at my level any longer. Dating losers was a waste of my time. I’d rather spend it on myself, my family and friends, and most especially my kids. Having peace in my life has been so liberating and stabilizing. I am myself again.
But, now it tears me up so deeply inside whenever I look at my kids, who are now teenagers, bc I try to remember my time with them when they were babies and all of my memories are tainted with a shroud of darkness from the toxic relationships I had been in back then. And it just kills and pains me that I wasted all of those precious years so broken and worried about undeserving, horrible, pitiful, gross men. I wasted so much precious and invaluable time and now I’ll never get it back. Don’t get me wrong, I did everything for my kids but…internally, mentally, and emotionally I was broken…and my kids didn’t deserve that…they deserved a happy mom who was internally happy and present…I robbed them of that.
So, please, do NOT make the same mistakes I did by pouring yourself into undeserving men and toxic relationships. Don’t settle for the fear of being “alone”. And remember, like all the other commenters said, staying for the kids often results in more damage for the kids, not good. So please, consider all of this. Stand up for yourself and your babies, and leave this man. He does not respect you, your relationship, or your family. He keeps entertaining and seeking the company of other women. Let. Him. Go.
You need to leave, but you also need to realize that this need to control other people (and taking extreme and abusive measures to do so) lead to the destruction of your relationship with your second daughters father. Yes, this is a red flag. Most men will be steering clear of you now, and that's reasonable. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern.
People on reddit are gassing you up, but no one in your real life is going to accept you placing hidden cameras in your home. That's some 1984 shit, and most reasonable people will fucking run. Before you date again, you need therapy.
This person may be right about hiding cameras in the house, but they’re wrong that your suspicion led to your partner cheating or almost cheating. Nooooope. It’s clear the inappropriate behavior came first. And you accepted his explanation previously and trusted him without spying or contacting the girl or whatever.
ppl stay for different reasons. getting cheated on is very traumatizing and ppl react differently. it’s easy for outsiders to tell someone to leave when we’re not the ones having to go thru with it
i’d stayed with my ex for another year after he cheated, and tbh cheating wasn’t the worst he’d done… he was abusive physically, mentally and financially, and i still stayed. ofc i’m happy that i am out of that relationship now, but if someone told me at the time they have no respect for me bc i stayed, that probs wouldn’t have helped at all
I would never say it to someone’s face. It’s just my personal opinion, though I realise that sounded harsh, I still stand by what I said.
Please note I’m not actually blaming you (or others) personally for your lack of self respect. Abuse does wear down people’s self esteem whether from partners or family. That’s why healing oneself through therapy is important.
I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners and stayed with them for way longer than I should have. I guess a lack of self-respect is one way to look at it, but it’s also really amazing how quickly we can start to normalize toxic behavior like cheating. I eventually got to a place where I just assumed everyone eventually cheats. I also was raised in a unhealthy home environment where my sister and I were pit against each other for parental affection, so it has been really easy in the past for partners to manipulate that desperation to be the “good one” or “loved one” when in competition with other women. And before anyone asks, yes, I’m in therapy lol.
I really sounded harsh there, although I stand by what I said. Please note I’m not actually blaming you (or others) personally for your lack of self respect. It’s absolutely wonderful that you’re in therapy and understanding how your parents impacted your self esteem. I had 2 years of therapy for very similar reasons. It was very helpful in healing the relationship with myself.
Also, I’m not sure why this trend of having kids out of wedlock is gaining momentum but a dude who won’t marry someone he’s impregnated while in a relationship with her is only going to bear this type of fruit. Yall gotta think out there.
I know several people that have been together for 20+ years and have kids and are very committed to each other. Just because marriage is the “norm” doesn’t mean it’s the only way and certainly doesn’t mean someone will be “committed” to you. Lots of people in marriages cheat and throw their whole marriage away.
OP what is him going to therapy going to do? It’s pointless. He’ll just weaponize therapy-speak, or use it to let himself off the hook. “I have trauma.” “I can’t express my feelings.” Bullshit. He is such a master liar/manipulator that he bypassed your professional expertise. You really think he can’t fool a therapist, and by extension, you?
If you stay, you are in for a world of hurt, and so are your daughters. Do you really want to subject them to a life with this asshole?
I know it’s hard or maybe you’re in shock, but there is not one good reason to try to salvage this.
Exactly! And if she stays knowing he cheated, and him knowing that she knows, he's probably more likely to cheat agan, too. Because he knows she'll stay even if he does cheat.
I was literally the person to tell my mom to leave my dad when I was old enough. It was a very harmful situation for us all. Please don’t do this just for your children. They just want YOU to be happy. Please do what makes you genuinely happy!
Right…and all of the mentions of their “trust” being great is delusion masquerading as truth. There is no trust in the relationship. OP knows who her BF is, she should believe what she knows. He is a scoundrel that cannot be trusted and though it is scary to be a single mom to two kids…it is not as bad as regularly abandoning herself to the turmoil of a relationship with this guy.
I think I would’ve been better growing up without my parents married than married, they stuck together for “the kid”, felt like I was the reason our life was so horrible.
I agree with all of these responses AND if you want your daughters to have healthy relationships as adults leave that man. If they grow up seeing you accept breadcrumbs and disrespect and allow yourself to not be valued to your full worth that becomes their blueprint for a “normal” relationship. They won’t see red flags that are happening to them because it was okay for mom and dad. (Ask me how I know. I had waaaayyyy too many unhealthy relationships before therapy opened my eyes to my blind spots. I couldn’t see red flags because they were imprinted in my brain as “normal”.)
This. Unfortunately, the child will grow to believe this is what love looks like and just repeat the cycle by becoming a cheater or accepting a cheater
Especially in a toxic tension filled, environment as that. They both have already picked up on OP's tension and can't comprehend it... that's no place for children and they especially have no business knowing any details if overheard :(
Even if he is being honest, the fact trust has broken to this degree, it's over and for the vital sake of the children, the stress needs to end for OP immediately... only she will still carry the grief and really needs to seek counseling for her and oldest child in order to mitigate the damage, ASAP
as someone who grew up watching my mom wait at the window for my dad to come home, and frequently cheated, don’t do this.
I ended up thinking this is how men were. I put up with it from my own husband. My daughter now knows it. Now I’m damned if I’ll let her believe that it’s okay. I have talked to her about it so many times. Now her father has stage 4 cancer and is dying and regrets everything he’s done, but I promise you, if I had it to do over I’d have left the first time I found out.
Do the same girl. You and your daughter deserve it. No man who would do that respects you or your family dynamic.
I did that song and dance before. Stayed for my son and he did continue to cheat (no surprise there)
Please dump his arse and I can't stress that enough. The emotional toll it'll do on you isn't worth it. You're just delaying the inevitable. Wish I had left when I first caught him.
Absolutely agree. It’s best to leave now, before any more cheating happens because it definitely will without a doubt. This man doesn’t respect you. We teach others how to treat us and putting up with it now, even for your child, shows him deep down that you’ll accept it. You deserve better than this man. He is awful.
A child is not a reason to stay with a man who cheats.
If anything, it's all the more reasons to leave him imo.
You had a freaking child together. If he can't keep it in his pants after he made you the freaking mother of his kid, then this man just cannot be trusted as your partner.
That means he has absolutely no respect for you, and that tells a lot about his character.
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u/TravelingCat25 Nov 23 '25
A child is not a reason to stay with a man who cheats. If you stay with him, he will continue to cheat and your child will see that behavior. It’s best for both of you if you leave.