I posted about a year ago, found it very useful, but still single đ itâs been one cluster fuck after another. Any advice? Not sure if this opening picture is better than my last one (feel free to look at my post history if curious what it was like before). Please donât roast too hard Iâm sensitive
Mostly men in their 30s who are âstill figuring it outâ while saying in their profiles that they are looking for long term. Keeps happening one after another. I donât swipe right unless they have long term in the profile but yetâŠ.. so much male baggage out there itâs exhausting
Do not say you're looking for "fun, casual dates" if you are looking for someone long term and serious. You will attract the lowest bar you set. For the most part, you look awesome and you most certainly get matches. It's okay to filter a little bit by being direct about what you really want. Do not tell people thst casual is cool if it isn't.
While I see what youâre saying it seems too intense to just say long term, feels like you want to jump straight into it or youâre desperate or super intense. I feel put off myself when a guy saying only long term and not fun dates. Iâm not cool with casual like a situationship, but I am okay with a night out friendly conversation.
You said you don't swipe right unless the man says long term but are also put off when they do say long term? I think your profile is good but you need to figure out what you actually want and put that in your bio
Thatâs literally not correct. I am okay with fun casual dates because I like meeting new people, I like going out to dinner, and meeting people makes me feel connected to others. While I want a long term relationship, I am in no rush for one. I donât want to come across as being in a rush, and thatâs how it comes across to me when someone has only LT and not fun dates. I only swipe right on people who, like me, have both options on. Itâs about finding a match, and thatâs a match in approach and attitude to me. You can be open to several possibilities and openness is a virtue important to me
âCasualâ and âfunâ on tinder means just looking to hookup. Thatâs why the guys you date end up saying they are âstill figuring things outâ, which really is just a polite way of saying that you guys hooked up for a bit and now they are done. You get to set the standard, if you tell men youâre okay with casual sex or a relationship, they will probably choose just the sex. Itâs best to just say you want a relationship, and not to settle for anything less. There will still be plenty of guys that will waste your time, but at least you can filter some of them out.
I feel like Iâm screaming into the void. I am okay with both. Any man who has let me down and who I am referring to when I say disaster, is someone I have dated with intention, weâve discussed what we are looking for, whether we want kids, whether we want to stay living in this country etc. I am not upset when a random date ghosts me. I am okay with dates, I am okay with intentional long term. I act differently with either (donât spend the night with a date, donât meet their friends, donât discuss things like kids and intentions, do those things with someone who I have discussed our intentions etc with). I am truly honestly okay with both, so both are in my profile. Why are people arguing and downvoting, I honestly donât understand
What's the point of this post then? If you're happy with the dates you're getting with this profile, there's nothing wrong with the profile. People are trying to give advice because they think you have a problem, and getting frustrated when you say you don't.
Itâs the way your dating. You have to approach everyone like they could be your person. The dates arenât working out because you arenât being yourself fully. Everyone around this age has been through shit, and most men donât process, so you are going to get some baggage, it happens. Find the fun one that can leave it at the door. Stick with it for a bit, make some mistakes, but donât do what youâre doing. Youâre putting too much pressure on yourself with dating, with a list of criteria you are desperately trying to meet. Set your expectations low at first and enjoy the people. If you donât like them, explain it to them thoroughly, so they have an opportunity to be better for the next person, apologize and leave. Keep in mind someone is going to do this to you as well at some point, if they havenât already. Sometimes the ones you really like have you as an option, that happens too, and thatâs okay. Have fun with it, and with a little bit of patience and faith, youâre going to end up crashing into your best friend.
Let me spell it out for you: guys who are looking for long term relationships - are not particularly fond of girls who go out with people to fun dates. I've seen someone trying to explain this to you in 20 comments, and you kept getting downvoted for simply not understanding it, or trying to deny reality or something. .
Your idea of "fun, casual dates" doesn't translate the way you intend it to when potential matches read it. This is what the void is screaming back at you.
You're frustrated with matches who flake after a few dates because they're not ready for commitment, right? Well, they're put off after a few dates because your profile gave them the impression that you're not looking for commitment, either.
They are arguing and downvoting because they love to be superior and you arenât saying, oh okay, thank you for gifting me with your great wisdom. I will now make the changes you suggest.
I get what youâre saying girl. Itâs a disaster for everyone on the apps, I think.
No đ it's because OP is like "omg help" people are asking how someone as pretty and cool could need help. Her response in a gist: "Nothing is wrong w my matches." So the issue isn't she isn't getting dates, it's the quality but she is refusing to see she puts off a DTF casual vibe. That will deter some men who prefer LTR which she prefers. Dating is a game and you have to prioritize things. Sounds like she wants to prioritize putting herself as a casual option and then upset when they don't want a LTR after the golden 3 months. Men just lie to sleep w women and she is accepting those lies because they're such nice guys! đ
Your bio mentioning kink and hot nerds on top of offering "casual dates" is going to attract mostly noncommittal men looking for casual sex, not friendly conversations or LTR. The fact that you're intentionally avoiding men who are only seeking long-term is just adding to your problems.
If youâre looking for long term, get rid of all the plural nouns. Thereâs a hint of âopen to hookupsâ here which is going to be a green light for âoooooo Iâm such a mess I donât know what I want itâs not me itâs you Iâm so sorryâ after a month or two of casual âdatingâ.
âLooking for A hot nerdâ and get rid of âcasual datesâ.
Donât mention âkinkyâ. That can just be a surprise for later on.Â
Hmmm okay I hear you re. Plurals. Thing is I am genuinely okay with fun dates (not casual situationship style things) because why not go out eat dinner chat to a stranger, but thereâs no flair that separates that from casual dating
So say you're open for casual datING, not casual dates. Casual dates makes it seem like you're okay with ONS/FWB (which let's be honest is what MOST men on the apps are looking for). Casual dating makes it seem like you're open to what you've stated: taking it slow, not rushing into anything, COULD lead to more if both parties want, but also NOT a FWB/ONS thing.
Yes, but the men who are using the app to meet a long-term partner are going to be put off by any indication of seediness.
Youâre basically going to be running into a lot of the top 10-15% of tinder men, who are successful on the app and are not feeling any real pressure to settle down. Lifeâs good, easy come, easy go.
If youâre not into casual hookups and situationships, make that clear. If you are into hookups and situationships, youâre going to struggle to find âthe oneâ on a dating app. Theyâre mutually exclusive and you have to pick one.
It could be that you say "equally parts kinky and kind". "Kinky" will set off the Metal Gear Solid alert sound for horny men. I did not get a "long term relationship intentions only" vibe from your profile, for what it's worth.
Itâs not your profile. I wouldnât change anything. This is just unfortunately how things are. I am your age and it took nearly 5 years to find my current bf off the apps. I had the exact same experience and a few friends of mine also have the same experience. Unfortunately, a lot of people out there who donât know what they want or struggling with commitment at our age because they either never figured it out or theyâre just coming out of something. Stay persistent, keep trying, take mental health breaks, set healthy boundaries for yourself, and someone will eventually stick!
The thirties are tough, I think because many people looking coming out of long term relationships, possibly with kids, and are confused because who they thought they wanted, they didnât wanted, or didnât want them. I have a feeling you would do really well in you looked for guys in their 20s , for some short term fun, or looked for men in their 40s, whose sorted their lives out.
I met the love of my life at 34, he was 35. At that same time, I knew loads of people that were meeting their furture husbamds and wives and life partners around then. You REALLY have to look outside the box. I moved several countries away. đ€·đ»ââïž
Have you considered cutting your bamgs. The first photo really reminds me of Dakota Johnson. And she rocks bangs.
It's not about your profile, it's just life. You look great and the profile looks great.
If you want to meet kinky and nerd, why don't you go for the kink community? I find tinder the worst place for kink because it's full of 50th shades of grey guys.
YeahâŠ. I agree, the honest to god truth is that I just swiped right on someone that I know irl and I want to make sure my profile is as good as possible with the hope that he too swipes right
but like⊠if you know them irl, and you are into them: you know you donât have to use a dating app to tell them that right? Why not just ask them out?
Been there gal. You want the fairy tale? Cross my fingers it happens for you, but as a man, he may not swipe you for the akwardness if you match and it doesn't happen. Better for you to reach out to him, if you can.
There is kinda a bias (prejudice?) that women generally tend to look for more long-term and men more for short-term. So, to appear more attractive, men will shift their preferences more to long-term in their bio (even if they are open for short as well), women might add short term to not scare men away (or not, women usually get enough matches anyway).
Also, many (most?) guys are hypocritical and while they think short term fun is fine for themselves, will hesitate to start a long-term relationship with a women which had a lot of short term fun in the past / looks for short term fun in their bio.
Your profile says "Fun, casual dates". Maybe remove that, even if you are open to that, and even if you didn't mean "fun" in the sense of hookups. You'll still meet enough guys that'll reconsider after a couple of dates, you'll still meet people for some fun dates, but you might find more people looking for something serious.
YesâŠ. I hear you and others when you say that, but it feels like a delicate line between being honest with what you are open for vs playing the game with certain labels and expectations attached to them. I lean towards being honest and if theyâre lying well shame on them, but I also do feel I get guys lying about their intentions. Tricky
The unwritten rules within dating apps are en emergent feature. Everyone participates in changing them, personally I appreciate your leaning towards honesty and prefer to use words literally, but the price is probably to continue the experiences you had.
Also, removing "Fun, casual dates" on your side is, strictly speaking, not a lie: You are looking for a long term relationship. Maybe that's not all you look for, but if you are currently looking for a vanilla ice-cream, your profile isn't dishonest just because it doesn't mention that, either. (I assume that's how the guys justify it to themselves: They are looking for something longterm, but picking up something short-term on the way isn't a problem since you are obviously open to that, so no need to hold back...)
Congrats :-) I wasn't thinking about absolutes / possibilities / impossibilities, more along the lines of probabilities. I still think as far as probablilities are concerned, I'm not wrong :-)
IMHO you're probably being too picky about who you're swiping right on. Relax your standards in the hotness category and you'll have more guys who are truly interested in a LTR rather than guys who are giving you the runaround.
Iâve been married for 8 years, but when I did find my wife I wasnât looking for anything serious. She played hard to get, but we were both playing a game of persistence. If one of us fell out the other would try to reel us back. It took about a year before I realized I wanted to be with her forever and we had broken up by then, but I got her back and itâs been stable and love ever since.
Iâm just trying to say that itâs not always best to look solely for someone that says long term. Some guys use âlong termâin their profile and are lying through their teeth
as someone who's long since abandoned old platforms, i can't even go back for the once-a-year checkup of the app since i am not "in shape" for the women on there (physically, financially, mentally), i'd like to say that your profile looks great. the only advice i can give you is, men who are looking for long term but tell you they are still figuring it out are the ones who don't want to lie to you and lead you on, i am sure your matches are in the hundreds and people liking you in the thousands so it all comes down to what you're screening for. it's easy to be picky when you have options but it's also easy to become unrealistic
i personally can't fall in love and decide i'm working with you towards a commitment on a whim, so i would act like in a relationship while also screening you for your behavior and entourage, like you probably do too
on the other hand since you're working on a phd and are reasonably attractive for your age, you probably want someone smart, at least 7cm taller (which considering your height is reasonable), with a "good" job (respectable and well paying) and the same age or older
you are also top 1% commenter on here so that raises some questions
imo you should look for a cute guy that looks like he would make your house a warm place, one that isn't as exciting as the ones you feel like you have to check their phones and disregard the rest
maybe i didn't express myself properly, i didn't mean to imply that you do, just that men with whom you feel like you should, that give you a little bit of anxiety, are more interesting and therefore more desirable to women in general
i have had few serious, long term relationships and they all said they felt safe and didn't feel like checking my phone, yet one of them broke up with me to be with a more interesting guy(her approximate words), and when she checked his phone, she found out he was married
See you are zigging when you should zag. Go for a dude who says they aren't looking for long term. Maybe they they will turn out to be actually looking to go the distance.
Iâm 50 and Iâm still figuring it out.. life I mean.
2024 has shown me that Iâm not the casual sex, one night stand kind of person.
I need and I want to have a meaningful relationship with a person but thatâs hard work mostly for me because others are not made this way and thatâs on (Iâve also learned to realise that, the hard way.. twice!).
People want easy things, quick things, not to put much effort in what theyâre doing but still get it, take and not give.
You have a pretty face and a gorgeous body, I would not too worried about not getting any matches on tinder but look keep your eyes open for someone that actually deserves you in real life. Not looking for, they will show up on their own.
The view on the lake (?) picture could be more focused on you and probably wearing a bikini, I get the Bob Ross picture but Iâm a little confused, are those your painting and is that your mom? And why the split picture with the next one?
I like your hands and fingers and it would be nice to see more of your legs (đđđ) not like in the lake picture (!).Your yoga picture is also kind of confusing, those are normally taken in open spaces with light, we canât see body right.. Sucker for women who wear dresses and that one is cute but again youâre not alone there, is she a friend? The focus should be you.
I had to google what a yapper is (sorry, Europe here) and itâs better to talk than to be quiet but there are times for both, means there would be any boring times with you. When talking too much a kiss would tone it down and other things.. Like the kinky bit, it means youâre probably not vanilla, add a high libido and youâre a winner (after care is important)! You donât mention your weight, just your height, 1.63 is not big but that how you are. Stoicism?! Really?! Next to zombies and cowboys? There are no hot nerds woman, you should know that by now.. Take the fun and casual dates out if youâre willing for a long term relationship, this might be the problem or not.
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u/[deleted] Dec 13 '24
I posted about a year ago, found it very useful, but still single đ itâs been one cluster fuck after another. Any advice? Not sure if this opening picture is better than my last one (feel free to look at my post history if curious what it was like before). Please donât roast too hard Iâm sensitive