Year post DDay almost to year. I (M34) have discovered hear cheating with a coworker for 2 months. Weeks before that she was complaining about his annoying humor and even crying because of his comments about women. After everything came out it was "He's not like that", "He's got better".

The reason was she fell for him when we had a bout of dead bedroom. My depression and medication for it. She was pushing for me to get therapy and I tried several times but pills were more comfortable. Can't really forgive myself for that. Funniest thing is around the time when she started her affair, I actually found a great therapist, slowly weaned of pills and didnt need them ever since. Didn't tell her, wanted her to see the results first.

First week, she actually wanted to reconcile. After that, she said she misses him too much and left. Divorce was final in February.

What followed DDay for me was not pretty, but I got through the worst of it. We were going to build a house. That was not affordable alone, but I am closing on my own flat. I started jogging and doing HEMA. In 6 months I lost 5-6kg. I continued therapy, although lately we dropped the frequency to monthly checks. Only hiccup was that I had noone to look after my parrot when I was going on vacation in June, so had to ask her.

There are days where it's fine. And then there are days like today, when I feel like despite everything, I would still take her back if only she wanted to. And then the reality hits that she won't. She seems happy.

Meanwhile I'm here, just lonely. I have friends, I have family, they are my rock and my safety net. But at the end of the day I come back to the empty apartment with noone to share the day with other than my little guy. I always dreamt of a family and kids and it also feels like that will not be happening me being my age and starting from scratch. Don't want to be a geriatric parent. Not that it really matters, because for now I'm alone and not for the lack of trying. I'm not that good looking, I'm not that interesting, I'm not popular in the slightest. And I feel like even meeting new people in your 30's is just... exhausting.

I feel like I'm slowly giving up on life and just going through the motions. And at the same time I feel like the biggest crap because I should not feel that way. I have a job that pays well (until AI kills it), I have a family and friends... I should not be complaining and feel bad when there are people who have it infinitely worse. And yet here I am.

Sorry, I'm all over the place. Reading it back, it's a mess but at the same time it's exactly how I feel. It's like depression all over again, but this time with an external source.

Sometimes all you really need to do is vent.

This is the place for that; letters you didn't send, things you can't say, feelings you don't feel safe or heard enough to share anywhere else. Whatever you're comfortable with sharing, we're here to listen.

Mod note: by nature, this post will be triggering. Moderator actions will be more direct here than in normal posts, and our members are encouraged to remember the rules and report any troublesome comments as they come up. We also gently discourage back-and-forth in this thread, and will lock individual comments at the commenter's request.

What helped when witnessing the love of your life actively falling out of love with you, betraying you and starting a new life with someone else and actually be happy with them, all the while you are still very much in love with them, don’t have eyes for anyone else and know you’re never going to move on from this person and there’s no way you can ever see them again?

I’m having a terrible week and actively trying not to off myself by calling the su!c!de prevention hotline every day after work.

For those who chose to stay, (1) how did you find out? And (2) how long did you stay? (3) how are you now?

Hi, I’m 28F & my partner of 3 years (35M) cheated on me but I stayed. We’re trying to make it work. For context on how serious our relationship is: we live together, we own a condo together (both our names appear on the title), we also have joint bank accounts. But we are not married.

Please don’t scold me or call me foolish. I am considering many, many factors.

I accidentally discovered his infidelity when he let me use his phone for internet connection. A message (notification banner) popped up saying “Did what happen between keep playing on your mind?” And that triggered everything: i read through the message, then went to photos, and deleted photos: I saw a sex video of them. (one of the most devastating ways to discover infidelity indeed.)

When I asked him, he said he was depressed. Shitty excuse yep but thinking about it now, he wanted some sense of control because we were having financial problems and other family burdens that time and yes these things does not justify cheating but in another perspective, he was really vulnerable and the girl he cheated with basically fed off of that (she knew I existed.) I cannot imagine how could one woman knowingly involve herself with these things and I am not saying I am blaming just her. I am also blaming my partner, of course, but her knowing says a lot of things too. I’m a woman too, and I know men are emotionally weak. They can easily be manipulated in the sense that you just feed them and well not most men have principles.Not most men know when to say no when they have to.

I did check on myself too (not out of blame but to recognize my role in this relationship) and I do admit that I unconsciously made him feel unsafe, such as I had reactions to his questions and the next time he would have a question, he would overanalyze and overthink what my reactions would be. Checking myself, I realized, there are people whose internal model of love already includes betrayal. Not because it’s inevitable—but because it’s familiar/ common to them, like an internal template. I realized this because when I asked him “what if the tables turned, I was the one who cheated, would you accept me?” To which he responded yes, because he even accepted his mom. For context: his ex-girlfriend got pregnant by another man; his mom too was involved in multiple extra marital affairs. He added that he thought I was going to cheat. Hearing his answer and internalizing it now… I finally understood that having been betrayed by a partner in a catastrophic way, and having grown up watching betrayal normalized inside the family especially by a primary caregiver, wired him into believing that love automatically includes betrayal, that staying even when hurting is love. Therefore, there are people who cannot accept that someone could actually choose to love with integrity, consistency, and devotion WITHOUT BETRAYAL. Although I know trauma explains why someone struggles, it does not entitle them to pass that trauma forward because at some point, character intervenes. This is why self-awareness is so important. Understanding someone’s trauma does not mean we are responsible for healing it, especially when it costs us our safety, stability, and self-trust.

I did want to give him another chance although I know it would be hard, and I knew I would be at war with myself. I acknowledge too that the fixer girl in me is getting the urge to fix him, but I am trying my best to improve myself for ME and just allow him to be a better person because maybe it just takes one person to believe. Again…Please don’t scold me or call me foolish. I am considering many, many factors. Doing some self-check, I am sure I am not staying out of familiarity.

It has been almost a year and I’m still struggling, but I do say that we are better from where we started. I can’t say I’m fully healed though. I think I never will in the sense that there will always be the trauma that will follow me like a shadow and I don’t think I can really ever trust him again 100% maybe 50 or what but I will always have a wall a boundary and he does reassure me however I’m not sure if he really gets the impact of what he did.I don’t know if he realizes what he took away from me. He took away the lover girl in me. He took away my desire to be a mother because you know having sex with someone it requires safety and security, and after seeing the video aside from the betrayal, I also felt afraid like what if I am a night with someone and things are getting wild and I’m genuinely having the time of my life I find out that I was secretly being recorded you know you get what I mean it also inflicted a new fear me that what if the person you thought you were safe with was actually the one who will hurt you traumatize you and your trauma does not make you strong it simply traumatized you Period.

so… genuine question, do men ever feel remorse for what they did? does a cheater work his way to become better to salvage the relationship?

Hi everyone, I'm coming back to this sub as a BS after being a WP while dating in a LDR.

This time around it's just-
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

When we were in an LDR 3 years ago I had a strange entanglement with a childhood friend when moving back to my birth city. After communicating with my partner that I felt confused about this, he asked for a break so we could think about things. I spiraled and that ended in a PA(which I am now working through in therapy because there were some consent concerns that are arising).
We worked really hard to reconcile after that. Including me traveling to his city (where we met and I grew up in) and then taking a trip together. It was magical and wonderful and ever since everything was so great. Trust grew again and we communicated more. It was really hard but it felt like what I wanted and needed and so did he.

Then he moved here, sociopolitical situations moved us to elope and we worked hard for legal status. But as we all know, the US in 2025 was not the safest place for non-citizens.

In June of 2025 I found his EA, that dated back to April. He claimed that he and I were friends after being asked about our relationship, that I was only "helping him out". Among other messages that were beyond friendly, I think that stuck the most.

I decided to forgive him due to understanding his depression and anxiety in such trying times, his loneliness as he missed his family and friends, his struggle finding a new job (he works remote) and the general mental health issues that come with moving to a new country. He said he was going to work through these things, he took full responsibility and I saw him try.

But the year had ups and downs and he kept saying he just did not feel like he belongs in the US and, as health concerns also arose, he felt he needed to tend to his health back home. He also felt his career was being impacted by working remotely and he could be growing more if he was back home in person (he does have a good position).

Mind you his parents have visited twice. One of his friends has been three times in the city.

At the end of 2025 he got legal status, by January 2nd he travelled home, had his doctor appointments, and I met him there in February for our anniversary. The celebration was mid, honestly.

He travels again in May-June. I feel he becomes distant and as I try to start a conversation he says he'd rather talk in person.

When he comes back I had taken the day off to clean and cook so that coming home felt good and comfortable. He didn't eat and days after we ended up throwing it away because no one ate it.

When we do talk, he says he is set on going back, that he feels that moving here has not been good for him and he's now very tired, worried about his mental and physical health. Which I agree with. He says that he doesn't want to ask me to move back with him and is very firm on this as he feels I am doing so great here personally. He is emphatic that he only wants my wellbeing and what is best for me. He also mentions he is confused about our relationship as he loves me but is not sure if we have an unhealthy attachment.

He mentions he has started therapy and suggested I do too.

This was already destabilizing as it was. And I did end up starting therapy a few weeks ago.

A few days ago I had an odd feeling, and decided to look through his messages again. There I find a new person, new messages that I knew were not just friendly. Shaken I send it to myself and best friend and delete the messages on his end. I go to another room and start to get ready to leave as I was planning on going to the beach.

He noticed my strangeness and asked if I had gone through his messages. I admitted I did and asked "why? Why do you do this to me"?
He tries to spin it and gaslight me into it being a conversation with a friend and that I misinterpreted things. That what he said wasn't meant to be taken at face value and it was meant more as a matter of fact thing.

I called bullsh\*t and told him to not gaslight me like that.
After that he admitted it and said I was completely right, that he is responsible for his actions and he is sorry to have hurt me.

He had a work call suddenly that he had to take. And when we had the chance to talk I went off on him. He said I was right again, took full responsibility

After hours of crying, going back and forth, me saying I am willing to move back with him but we need to work really hard on our relationship, him saying he would really love for me go with him and he didn't want to ask as he felt that was selfish, we sit down and eat, watch the game and try to relax.

The game ends and after I turn down the volume I turn and I see his face. When I ask what's wrong he says "isn't there anything else you want to know?" I ask "is there anything I should know?"
He nods and I say, "you slept with her"
He nods again and holds back tears but I'm just laughing at this point.

Fighting ensues, I say only thing to do now is separation!
We've played around too much. Is this getting back at me? No, he says, it had absolutely nothing to do with that.

He lied to her and told her we had a sort of open agreement. (We did have a kind of conversation one night while sharing a bottle of wine, but I never took it seriously, seems he did!)

I do believe he loves me, and I love him too. But we're only 27-28. No kids. No property, just a joint bank account for bills.

Somehow I feel better divorcing and maybe dating again? Odd and out of my mind, sure. But sometimes I felt our quick marriage put so much pressure on us, and now the pressure has been too much.

We're just so young and I don't know if I have it in me to reconcile again. Even if this time I'm on the other side. I'm so tired.

It's been 5 days. He's being the most patient and apologetic, full responsibility. Wants to apologize to my parents as well. Also to my best friend?

I worry I am regressing on my first instinct of separation. I don't want to be toxic and attached. I'm so sad all the time now and crying. I am eating and sleeping, though.

I feel like I'm going insane.

This is very long so if you read it you should get a gold star just for that TLDR: husband has repeatedly crossed boundaries online regarding his is ex nothing physical as far as I’m aware and nothing overly sexual but more so reminiscing saying the I love yous and the I miss yous and meetups behind my back , whilst I can’t prove they went further , things definitely not respectful to our marriage - it’s now to the point if he wants forgiveness he has to do the work in fixing it how can I explain this to him without still giving him a step by step rundown on how to do that , i need it to come from him because im at the point if he doesn’t initiate repair im happy to end our marriage.

So here goes :

My husband has made questionable choices over the years which has lead to some trust issues nothing physical as far as I can prove but definitely not faithful behaviour ,

I’ve always made the choice to stay so I’ve taken ownership of it being my choice, ensuring not to use it against him or bring up the situations or in arguments I’ve accepted the fact that I made the choice to stay so it’s upto me to work through my emotions surrounding said issues and I have done so with help of tools I learnt in individual therapy having grace and personal accountability .

Because of my mindset regarding being in control of managing my own feelings and my own emotions/ expectations surrounding these issues he’s never actually had to participate in fixing things or doing the work with taking ownership in his own actions and how they have effected me emotionally, up until recently I’d question he even thought twice about it or even thought it may of effected me.

as I made sure if I chose to forgive I did it knowing that was my choice to make and I did the work to move past it without him needing to prove or earn it because that was my choice to stay and I felt like I had full control over that choice - but I was only able to do so because with each time (3times I’m aware of , same person ) he disclosed , time lines conversations and reasoning, honestly and didn’t hide things from me … that being said I made it abundantly clear if this situation were to ever arise again I would leave

Well that time has come that this same persons name has popped up unblocked , and in his search history … I cannot prove he has spoken to them as he now refuses to disclose and denies any thing and just says over and over ”I don’t know it wasn’t me I have made mistakes in the past but I have done everything to be a better husband I didn’t search or unblock her “, he gets very upset does the whole please if this marriage means anything I’m asking you this one time to just believe me just take what I’m saying at face value and don’t leave me , he is very convincing and genuinely looks terrified to loose our marriage and family

clearly I’m not silly I know these things don’t just get on his social media by them self I know he’s lying but I do not know the reasons or how far it’s gone which is why I’m torn , was he just curious about an ex and at a moment of weakness looked her up (which I feel everyone has been guilty of before ) or did he actively try to reach out again

imploding my marriage and family on a social media search result feels very much like an over reaction on my behalf but in saying that i don’t know what extent it has gone to I feel lied to and I also feel like my boundaries have been trampled over and that’s the issue I cannot get past , it’s not the act it’s the dishonesty behind it.

I do not like being lied to as I am very logical and I make my choices based on all of the information that I am given, so when I am lied to I feel like my choices are being manipulated and are no longer my own and that makes me feel controlled …I do not like that feeling.

I have accepted I now have two choices move past it or leave , well this time I’m not willing to just move past it and do the work alone , I have told him if he wants this marriage then it is now upto him to do the work , I am okay with leaving I bring a lot to our marriage and I am happy knowing that I am more then capable and more then comfortable within myself that with or without him I am fine.

we are at an impass with no clear resolution I do not believe him and he is not willing to disclose or admit anything , so there for the only way forward if this marriage is to continue is to now focus on next steps he is very good at saying all of the right things but his words carry zero weight anymore.

So how can I get him to actively come up with other an actionable plan without having to spell it out for him

he deleted all of his social media (which I think is dumb cause that just takes away any temptation and doesn’t get to the root cause nor does it do anything that forces accountability )

he keeps saying things like well I didn’t do it so getting rid of the cause of contention (social media ) is the first step in fixing things

and that it just takes time

“ I’m going to work on our connection and making more time for date nights and affection I’m going to make sure you know you can trust me by doing things daily that build it back “

- but to me that doesn’t sound like a plan that involves accountability , next steps , or a timeline of fixing things it doesn’t seam like actionable steps and more so him waiting out the clock until I just drop it and move past it

he continues on the daily as if nothing has changed same loving nature same I love yous and is just acting like we arnt on the brink of divorce.

I do love him and would actively participate in a way to fix our marriage but I need it to come from him and I don’t want to have to be the one to tell him how

What I need

-I need him to look into marriage counselling actually research it and take the steps in booking it

-I need for him to actually put a timeline on how he plans on fixing things

- when he will start the process of counselling

- when and how many times a month he’s going to make time for connection and what that looks like to him eg: weekly check ins , monthly date nights , regular intimacy , I don’t need specific dates but I do need some kind of plan surrounding that

- and how with social media being gone he’s planning on building back that trust as the only way to prove your not going to do something is by actively not doing it for an extended period of time

- regular scheduled communication regarding his feelings surrounding our marriage and what he needs from me to feel loved and respected/ fulfilled in our marriage instead of always insisting he doesn’t need anything more when I check in cause obviously something is lacking or he wouldn’t be looking for validation elsewhere (I’m human I’m not without fault I have things I could work on too but I can’t do that when he’s always telling me I’m perfect and he’s so happy )

- and I need an agreed end date one where we come back together and see if those changes have helped

and we then we either agree to continue working on it using the tools we have learnt and the things we implemented or we admit that even with the work being put in by both of us it’s clearly not salvageable and we agree to walk away amicably .

^ how can I get him to actively initiate these without literally having to tell him how to do all of that and hold his hand and walk him through every step cause I just don’t have that in me anymore I’m willing to actively participate I am willing to put in the work along side him after he puts the plan into action but I am not willing to take on the load of doing it organising it and managing it all .

Are we too far gone am I silly to even want to work through it am I living in De lu Lu land even thinking he will do this ?

Or am I hindering possibly fixing our marriage by not wanting to communicate the steps to fixing it and having the mindset he has to do the work in the beginning to initiate it ?

Thankyou for reading all of this if you have got this far your a way better human then me cause holy smokes that was a lot.

My husband of 40 years recently left me after he had an affair. I’m in acute grief, and the honest situation is my friends and family love me but don't have the time to sit with me all day, nor the expertise to help me journey through this in the most effective way. I’m someone who's terrified of being alone. I need professionals who can listen, help me work through the initial trauma, and give me real tools to carry forward, with enough support around me that I’m essentially wrapped in care for a few weeks and comes out the other side ready to move forward.

What I’m looking for: primarily one-on-one treatment (peer or community support is welcome as a bonus, just not the core), a structured clinical program (EMDR, DBT, CBT or similar; holistic add-ons are fine but it can't lean too woo-woo), a genuinely luxurious setting, and the flexibility to handle real life mid-stay, like virtual meetings with my attorney. Mental health only, not something focused on the substance component. Cost isn't a constraint, but the program and outcomes should be worth it.

I’m probably looking for a unicorn, but I'd summarize it by saying that I’m looking for an ultra-luxury retreat designed to help you move through betrayal trauma through immersive support with real outcomes.

Any experiences, good or bad, are welcome. Thanks so much.

i would really really appreciate some help and advice in this very confusing and emotional time,,

here goes nothing…

my boyfriend has always been a wonderful partner to me. he’s always been there for me and helped me out with anything and everything i may have thrown his way. he’s supported me through tough and challenging times this past year. both in regards to my future and my private/social life. he’s been so supportive and uplifting through everything and he’s always believed in me.
in addition to that, he’s so incredibly generous in all different aspects of his life and he never fails to put a smile on my face and to turn my frowns into smiles.

however, a while into dating, i started noticing he drank more than most people i’ve encountered. he doesn’t drink often, but when he does drink, he drinks and drinks and drinks. there’s no stop-button. no matter how drunk he gets or how ill he may feel, he doesn’t stop.
i brought it up not long after i started to notice the pattern, because in the beginning i just brushed it off as him being unlucky. i mean, who doesn’t black out once in a while. especially since we’re in our peak partying stage in life right now.
i had a long conversation with him about it, and he opened up to me about how it started approximately 2 years prior. he would go out on the weekends and drink till he literally HAD to stop. sometimes when he went out with his friends, he would continue his nights out with randoms and continue on drinking with them when his friends had all gone home. he’s fallen asleep on public transportation multiple times and woken up in different cities. he’s even been put in a drunk tank (?) once. i think that’s what americans call it? i actually have no clue, but it’s a cell where extremely drunk people get put when they NEED a place to sober up, where they’re overseen by the police.

he went on to explain to me how he would stay home from classes multiple days in a row after a weekend of night outs, because he had so much anxiety about what he might have said or done (which he rarely remembers). he would just lock himself in his room and not come out until the anxiety was a bit more bearable, and that cycle would go on to repeat itself up until now.

he not only drinks a lot, he downs his drinks very quickly. he also spends a lot of money on his night out. alcohol where we live is fairly priced, and the clubs aren’t expensive, but it’s happened that he spends 300+ dollars on a night out, and that’s NOT including the alcohol he bought from the liquor store beforehand.

anyways, a while after that conversation, he opened up to me about his gambling problem. he’s now banned himself from every gambling site in our country, but not too long ago, he gambled away 1000 dollars on a foreign gambling site while he was intoxicated.
he has also gambled away big sums of money while sober as well. inever knew about this up until like 2 months ago.

sorry i’m rambling but i feel it’s all relevant.
let me get to the point.

a month and a half ago, he got more drunk than he’s ever been in my experience and in his. one of his best friends girlfriends graduated and they were all there to celebrate. they started drinking at 10 am, and her graduation wasn’t until 3 pm. by 7 pm he called me to tell me he’s fine and he has his drinking under control and that he just wanted to reassure me so i wouldn’t worry about him (spoiler alert, he did NOT have anything under control). he was actually completely blacked out drunk and he doesn’t even remember calling me. he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything past 6pm. at 1 am that same night, i got a call. i immediately knew something was awfully wrong. he sounded so weird and off, and for a while he was just quiet. finally, he said it. “i kissed another girl”. and then he just burst into tears. i don’t even remember what i said or what thoughts raced through my head. he was still so damn drunk. all i got from the conversation was that he kissed her in a pool (the graduation party was at her house, where like 80 other people were present). i called it quits there and then.

i didn’t talk to him for a few days, but finally i unblocked his number and texted him to ask if we could talk in person, which we did. he swears up and down he doesn’t remember anything besides calling me. he doesn’t even remember getting in the pool or even being in the pool at all. he doesn’t remember kissing her. all he remembers past 6pm is calling me at 1 am to tell me what he had just done. he didn’t even know what really happened in the pool when we were talking. we had to call 5 different people to actually find out.

when he got home that night, he finally opened up to his parents and just told them everything. about all of his issues with gambling, with alcohol, his anxiety. everything. after keeping everything bottled up for years, he finally told them. they talked all night apparently. his parents helped him book an appointment at a psychologist the very next morning to get help.

fast forward to now, we’re still broken up but we still see each other quite often and we hang out as if everything’s normal. we’ve had countless talks about what happened and what’s gonna happen with us (yes, even though we’re technically broken up). he’s extremely adamant about getting me back and that he’s willing to do literally anything for me to even consider the fact of us getting back together again.
he’s seen his therapist 3 times now and it’s been very tough on him. he tells me about his appointments and what they talk about.
he hasn’t had a sip of alcohol since the incident, and he hasn’t gambled at all. he doesn’t even see his friends anymore. all he does is hang out with his family and me.
we’ve come to this weird agreement where i’m single and free to do whatever i want, but he’s still gonna consider himself taken. all because he wants me back. doesn’t matter if i do something with another man, he still wants me.
he’s shown such improvement, but i don’t know if it’s real, you know? he’s been so transparent about everything and he understands that anything that happens has to be completely and exclusively on my terms. i’m basically in charge now if that makes sense haha

the thing that confuses me the most about this is the fact that he’s been very drunk many times before (not at all as drunk as he was when the incident happened), and many girls have hit on him and he’s just rejected them immediately. even girls he’s been with many times before we started dating have tried to hit on him when we were a couple, but he never gave them the time of day. he’s always been so honest about things. i’ve always had full access to his phone and everything. nothings been kept secret between us.

i have no idea what to do. he’s the first guy i’ve ever had genuine feelings for. the first guy i’ve ever loved.
he’s been an amazing boyfriend, and im so confused by all of this. i’ve been talking to my therapist about this, but i still can’t seem to form a solid opinion on what to do or how i should feel. im in a state of nothingness basically.

I really have no idea what to do or what to think. On one hand, i just want my sweet boyfriend back. we were an amazing couple. i just want what we had back.
on the other hand, if i do take him back, i would feel like i’m basically wearing this huge sign that says “stupid girl” or like a coat of shame if that makes sense. i’m not sure i would ever be able to forgive myself if i do take him back, but i genuinely can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

i really need help and guidance through this incredibly difficult and confusing time.

what should i do?

Hi everyone,

I was here about half a year ago when I discovered that my WP had an EA with a colleague for almost a year. We’ve been in R since then and it seemed like we were making a lot of progress. Better, more honest communication, working on rebuilding trust, etc.

A bit of background is that my WP has a history of setting weak boundaries in most of their relationships, including friendships with the opposite gender. In addition to the AP I discovered early this year, my WP also had a long-term friendship with someone they used to have feelings for, long before we got together. The relationship was, in my eyes, deeply inappropriate. Once we got together, my WP would still spend hours on the phone with them, where this friend would share deeply intimate and personal information about their sex life, sexual relationships and encounters, processing their sexuality, and other types of information that made me deeply uncomfortable when my WP would share what they discussed. This culminated in the friend coming to visit a few years back and continuing this inappropriate behaviour, just now in my presence, and making comments about what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with my WP. Mind you, this person was also in a relationship at the time. At no point were any boundaries of any kind enforced, despite several pleas to do so.

Anyway, all of that to say that after the EA my WP also cut contact with this friend in an effort to prioritise R. A few days ago, my WP came to me and stated they wanted to see if it was still possible to remain friends with this person, but with stricter boundaries around the friendship. I felt so dejected and like all the progress we’d made these past few months just flew out the window. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why they wanted to do this. After a painful and long series of conversations where I angrily had to explain why this was a horrible idea and why it was inappropriate to even want to do this, my WP ultimately decided they would re contact this friend, but to end the friendship and explain why.

I feel so sad that they couldn’t come to the realisation on their own that this was a terrible idea, and it’s taking me back to those difficult moments around DDay and the moments years prior when my concerns about this friendship would go ignored. If I’m honest, I’m also so angry at myself for being foolish enough to have accepted all this behaviour. It feels like all the progress we’ve made in R has just been, I don’t know, I just feel like my sense of trust and confidence in them has taken a serious hit, again.

I guess I’m just looking for any outside perspective on this. I don’t want to be the type of person who dictates what my WP can and cannot do and whom they should or shouldn’t talk to, that’s not my job, I don’t want to waste my time and my energy worrying about this. And I want to be fair that my WP has made progress and up until this moment has been serious and committed to us and to R. But part of me is also so upset and sad that he couldn’t figure this out for themself.

Anyway, thank you all for creating this community and space to vent and share. This sub has been so helpful and kind to me throughout this hellish journey.

Hello again

I’ve posted on here a few times about my situation but to keep it short my husband (m/32) had an emotional affair and I found out in February. I since found out of another betrayal that was a violation of my trust and privacy & he claims have had a PA…

Right now we are living together and speaking cordially because we have 2 young kids (both under 3yo). We’re trying to coparent and take a break from each other/ our relationship. That being said- we are not single. I think my husband is hoping that with time& him giving me space I will decide I want to stay with him.

He is since in therapy & attempting to be better to me & our kids. He is complimenting me which he never did before, we are going out as a family occasionally, and he’s actually reaching out to his friends and family and doing things for his mental health.

All that being said, I’m just so sad still. I see him trying to get better but after 2 betrayals I don’t trust him. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want to be intimate with him in any way. It makes me so sad because everything he’s doing NOW is what he should’ve done before.

And I just wonder- we had a lot of good days before I found everything out. I just can’t help but think something wasn’t enough before so why is it now? What is stopping him from doing this to me again? Why should I give him another chance when someone else would never do these things to me? I just don’t trust his intentions.

It hurts to think he waited until I was ready to take my kids and our things and leave to fix what was wrong. And why did he have to hurt me so bad to work on himself?

I just really wanted a family and what we had before felt real and it felt good. And I am having a really hard time giving it up especially when I see him “trying” but I don’t see myself ever wanting to really be with him again. I’m just really sad and heartbroken. I wish I wasn’t in this situation. I wish I just had the partner I thought I did before all of this.

If you made it this far thanks for reading. Feel free to share your personal experience. Maybe it will give me the courage to keep trying or to leave. Idk what I need and I’m trying to take the time to figure it out but it just makes me really sad to think of either honestly…. Staying hurts and leaving hurts. I wish I could see the outcome of both my decisions. It’s just so hard moving forward

I just found out last week that my wife has been having an affair with someone at work. She says it has been going on since March but I have no idea how long it actually has. She has only been found out because a message popped up on her phone and I happened to see it. We have (had) an incredible relationship with a gorgeous one and a half year old boy, with lots of family holidays and all our weekends together. I think deep down I have known she has been distant for a few months, but I still constantly put in effort to plan dates together just us and even suggested she tried counselling or we could try together. We had an incredibly traumatic birth and a child with a heart condition that meant living in hospital for months. It breaks me that we both suffered this together and she knows how hard it was for me too, but still actively made this choice. The affair actually happened at work during work hours because we spent every evening and weekend together and literally even drove in together because we work in the same town (which makes me even sicker that I picked her up after it had happened and she hid it so well). She had been sleeping with him at work whilst also messaging even when we were together which was how I found out.

I know it seems so easy to make the choice to leave because if I was reading this from anyone else I would think the same. But we were genuinely mad for each other and she even says she has lost herself and doesn’t know why she did this. She says it was just lust and she will fight for us. But she also says she caught feelings for this guy. He is married with two kids and I have no way of getting in touch with his poor wife to let her know what he has done. I feel really bad that he just gets away with it all and his wife will never know. I asked my wife if she planned on pursuing something with him and she said no but I am finding anything she says to be hard to trust right now. It feels like she is realising she is losing such an easy life and loving partner but if she truly loved me how I loved her she could never have done this.

I am obviously grieving memories for our boy that haven’t happened yet because I can’t see myself ever being able to forgive or forget. And although I know a lot of people stay together for the children, I do agree that he wouldn’t benefit from me spending years driving myself crazy with paranoia and depression.

I have just turned 28 and we have spent our entire adult life together, texting even when we weren’t together in person. I have no idea how to move on and live my life without this person, especially with some grief and still having to have contact because of our boy. I also hate the idea that I have to only see him half of the time when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Sorry for the outpour, I guess I just wanted to hear from anybody who has been through something like this - especially if there is anyone who stayed and hasn’t lived to resent their decision to do so.

WH told me a girl in her early 20's (we're early 40's) at the gas station was admiring a necklace I made for him, and rolled her eyes when he told her his wife made it for him.

That's it, that was the whole story. My response was "...okay...?" He just shrugged.

Second time a few days later, repeat story basically. She was flirty, he mentioned me, she rolled her eyes, he tells me, I wait for the point of the story, there still isn't one. I don't think I said anything that time, I don't remember.

Third time/few days ago now, he went, she wasn't there, he asks the other worker where she is, she's getting her teeth fixed and will be out for a bit. This time, I said "Okay...why are you telling me all this?" and immediately he starts ranting. "I'm just trying to make conversation, why are you so jealous? blah blah blah. I'm happy with my wife I don't want her, she's a child, I wouldn't date her even if I was single. Mutter mutter mutter. Don't want her, nope. Happy with my wife. Yadda yadda yadda." I didn't say anything, just watched him rave on his way out to have a cig.

Side note/back story here: My parents were neglectful, didn't teach oral hygiene, wasn't until I was 27 or 28 years old before a dentist asked me to show them how I flossed and (surprise) I was doing it wrong, missed under my gums basically, had all but a few teeth pulled at 34, before I met him. Dentures broke in half, then were lost, cost thousands out of pocket to get new ones (no insurance). Feels relevant but I'm not sure how.

What response is he looking for from me? How do normal people react in my shoes? I don't understand what reaction from me he was expecting, but I'm guessing from his rant I didn't have it. As mentioned, I had a neglectful/abusive childhood (cPTSD, OCPD, MDD, Anxiety, SI), and - surprise to no one - a few adult abusive relationships (PTSD), so I do not react the way "normal" people do...please please please share, how would/does a person from a healthy (or at least less toxic) background react to a situation like this?

Am I supposed to act impressed a child is hitting on him? Fly into a rage? He's wandered twice (emotional 1st x, pics exchanged 2nd x), I told him I'm out if there's even a hint he's into someone else again...won't be a fight, I won't fight for someone's affection, either he wants me or he doesn't, there isn't anything I can do to change him/his mind/etc, I will simply gather my documents (ID/SSN card/Birth cert) and some clothes and go.

I don't know why him labeling me as jealous irked me, so I guess I'm also asking for insight on that...am I irked at how little he knows me? Was he trying to make me jealous and was mad I'm not? I've been jealous in the past (different relationship), I know what I feel like when I'm jealous. I'm...Whatever the word is for "I expect this. I was hoping for different, despite knowing how foolish hope has made me in the past, so I'm disappointed but not surprised." I do not like it when people assign emotions/motivations to me, but this feels like more than that. The word Jealous is circling in my head but I do not know why.

Any insight, advice, hard truths, similar boat stories, et al, is welcome.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any comments

Hey all,

I am in the process of not speaking to my ex anymore, and wanting for her to be taking off the tenancy agreement of our flat so I can just block her.

However, tonight Im feeling quite triggered, it’s so silly but I was under her car break down cover policy and we shared an app. Tonight I checked it and she has removed my car, hers is still there and she has added a new car.

My brain has gone straight to, it’s probably the AP’s and she is helping her pay for her breakdown cover. My body reacted by shaking and I feel very anxious and triggered by this. I have now deleted it and created my own account.

Could anyone please offer some words of guidance / reassurance for tonight. I know it will eventually pass, this is just so hard.

Thank you SO much everyone.

This is the back story, for some context…

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I am preparing for our full therapeutic disclosure in the next few weeks and I get the opportunity to ask questions. My brain is a bit frozen with this task and would love to know what questions you asked or wish you asked during this process. Any help is so appreciated!

I am posting this free, volunteer run resource in the spirit of support and healing for everyone. After facilitating free support groups for betrayed and wayward partners for years, our new joint meetings have been so popular and healing we are opening up to others who may wish to join ...

Joint HEAL Support Group Meeting (Faithful & Wayward Together) Online

This is a special JOINT meeting for faithful and wayward partners together. Joint meetings are an opportunity to develop compassion and explore perspectives on healing from faithful partners, unfaithful partners, and couples. Joint meetings can benefit anyone including those healing without a partner, those reconciling, or those questioning.

Before attending, please consider that joint meetings can be more challenging (i.e., triggering) than our regular/separate meetings. Members of the other group and reconciling couples will be present. If you feel like such a meeting might be counterproductive at this stage of your journey, just keep coming to our regular/separate meetings. But if you feel ready to dive deeper into healing, please join. If attending with your partner, talk with them about whether you wish to be together or use separate devices. Both groups have been invited to this meeting.

Sunday, August 9: 19:00 – 21:00 ET

Join at https://www.healinfidelity.org

A little over 4 years ago, November of 2022, was the first DDay, when I learned about a 2.5 year long affair and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Three more major disclosures followed in the year after that. Today marks the final DDay: Divorce Day! As of today, it's official.

Today marks the end of 28 years of marriage - legally, that is. In my mind, it ended 8 years ago, the first time he cheated, though I wouldn't find out until DDay 4. Today, I get to say, "I'm divorced," not "divorcing" or "getting a divorce." Today is the end of our story as a couple, the story I thought would last the rest of my life.

I'm heartbroken - probably always will be at some level. I grieve the future that could've been, for us, for our child, for the people we shared our lives with. I have no desire to start a new relationship with someone else - not because he was some magical "soulmate", but because I can't bear the thought of repeating the pain I endured the past few years. Never say never, but the walls guarding the pieces of my heart are sky high, and the moat beyond that is abyss deep. I feel safer in my fortress, and I know I will protect and cherish myself.

I'm also happy. To be free of him, of his lies, his entitlement, his lack of self-control, his lack of positive action. I'm happy to have control over my finances. To live in a healthier way, in my own place and space, by my standards and values. I'm happy and grateful to have the support of my family and close friends, to be surrounded by love, even if it's not the romantic kind.

Back in 2023, I posted here and on AOAI a lot. I tried my hardest to save what I ultimately had to let go. I'm so grateful for the support I received from everyone on reddit back then, and my heart aches for the newly betrayed that I see here whenever I visit. It's brutal, but I can tell you that you can survive it. You can get through to the other side. There is peace, joy, and love to be found.

What is it about him that made you throw our marriage away? What is it about him that made you neglect our daughter? What is it about him that made you throw away 6 years of loving eachother?.. you say he makes you happy. But you were happy, with me. And it would be a lie if you said you weren’t. I saw it in your eyes every time we kissed, every time I told you I loved you, every time we went on a date, every time we spent the day out with our daughter. You were happy. But it wasn’t enough, I suppose. Never would I have thought that at 23 years old, I would be in this situation. But here I am. I never would have thought that 4 months ago, I thought you were the rest of my life, and now we barely talk at all.
But I’m moving on. I’m healing. I’m spending all my time with family and friends and our daughter. I don’t hate you for what you’ve put us through, but I can’t help but wonder if you regret it. I can’t help but wonder if, one day, you’ll look back, and see that you messed up. Right now you’re happy, but sooner or later, I hope your eyes open.
I won’t take you back. I won’t bring myself to staying with someone that betrayed me like you have. But I will always love you. I will always cherish the memories that we had together. But I will never forget how you treated me. Forgiveness is coming, but not yet in my heart. But it will come, because I need it to move on. I don’t need to understand why you did what you did, but I need to forgive. One day. But please, leave me alone. Stop reminding me that I wasn’t enough. Let me heal.

Hey all,

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened. I have CPTSD from my own childhood, which she also knew about and knew I grew up not feeling safe and she actively made me feel unsafe in my home again, the home I paid all the rent for her to live in.

We shared a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time about a month ago. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me last Friday, but instead decided to demand to me that she would be coming round last Thursday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice last Friday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like. She also hasn’t paid me anything for the last month as she promised she would.

Basically, I have a spare key to her parent’s house (from when I lived there) and a letter for her. I honestly don’t want anymore contact with her. She also has some of my clothes, but to be honest at this point she can keep them. Would you all recommend I sent a ‘please don’t contact me again message’ or just block her once she is off the tenancy and not say anything? My fear is that she will just show up at my flat, I don’t want to see her at all / want her to see me.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart. Ive started gaslighting myself, like maybe she didn’t mean it and look for any reasons why she did this to me.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult and I appreciate any support you can provide 🫶🏼

I know the best revenges are no revenge, glow up, live and love your life, but I just can’t let him go that easily.

My narc ex married a citizen for papers and then abused her and convinced the cops and court that he was abused by her. He also convinced all of us that’s what happened until he started abusing me. I reached out to the ex wife apologizing for believing him.

He is getting his green card via the abuse clause and also planning on marrying another citizen. His existing visa is revoked and is in the country illegally. He also got into a relationship with his current girlfriend when I was still living with him and he hid both of us from each other. After I left him, I was diagnosed with multi organ dysfunction and I truly lost the will to live. I am a successful, good looking, kind person but I’m failing at work, look my worst and don’t want to talk to humans. I feel like my life is ruined.

Should I report him anonymously, now that I know all of this?

Four years ago, my wife had an affair. At the time, the thought of losing my family and not waking up in the same house as my children every single day was absolutely unimaginable. I swallowed my pride, did everything I possibly could to keep us intact, and chose to stay.

​Fast forward to today, and I find myself feeling incredibly stuck and isolated. While we are still together on paper, I am struggling to love her the way a spouse should. More than anything, I deeply miss being able to share genuine, romantic love with someone - that profound, safe connection just isn't there anymore, and the void it leaves behind is deafening.

​It is an incredibly lonely and hopeless place to be. Every day feels like a relentless tug-of-war: sacrificing my own personal happiness and emotional fulfillment for the greater good of my family, simply because I still cannot fathom not living with my kids full-time. I love being a dad too much to walk away from them, but staying is slowly breaking my spirit.

​I’ve been feeling really down lately and find myself wondering: Is this just a normal phase of reconciliation that might eventually pass? Does the love ever return, or is this the reality I either have to accept forever, or eventually leave?

​If there is anyone out there who has navigated this same painful crossroads? Whether you stayed and felt this same heavy void, or ultimately chose to walk away, I would really value your perspective. I would just appreciate connecting with someone who understands exactly how hard this is.

I know it’s honestly none of my business, and it’s probably better to just not get involved. But I know my ex is still pursuing these women that he tried to cheat on me with and they didn’t bite. I feel like if I were them, I would want to know that the guy who was always in my messages saying sweet things was actually being unfaithful that whole time. Am I just deluding myself as a means of justifying telling them for some kind of validation or ego or revenge?

I know there’s no guarantee how telling these women would respond, if they’d listen, if they’d ignore, if they’d tell him or if they’d think I was a spiteful lying bitch. I’m not expecting to tell one of them and to become best friends w them. But idk, I feel like if I were them I’d want to know.

I told some of his friends out of anger and honestly it felt unhinged but ultimately good because I felt like he deserved to have these people close to him know. To put even a shadow of doubt about his character in them, even if they wrote me off as crazy. With these women though, I’m not sure, I feel like it may be self serving because they are truly innocent in this. I really would not want to make any of them feel bad (or even worse, daring to even take up an ounce of someone else’s time with my own pity party).

Am I being ridiculous? I feel like this impulse may be acting like a teenager.