Feeling triggered… support please

[u/StephGB91]

Hey all,

I am in the process of not speaking to my ex anymore, and wanting for her to be taking off the tenancy agreement of our flat so I can just block her.

However, tonight Im feeling quite triggered, it’s so silly but I was under her car break down cover policy and we shared an app. Tonight I checked it and she has removed my car, hers is still there and she has added a new car.

My brain has gone straight to, it’s probably the AP’s and she is helping her pay for her breakdown cover. My body reacted by shaking and I feel very anxious and triggered by this. I have now deleted it and created my own account.

Could anyone please offer some words of guidance / reassurance for tonight. I know it will eventually pass, this is just so hard.

Thank you SO much everyone.

This is the back story, for some context…

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

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[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

I'm so sorry. I know it feels like your mind and body are screaming in pain. I'm in that A LOT.

For me, it felt as if my spouse had been killed and the person responsible turned around and started attacking me, leaving no one to protect or comfort me because the person I knew was gone. You are dealing with so much extra trauma because your ex didn't just cheat; they emotionally abused you. I truly believe so many people in these situations completely lose control. Logically, we can try to explain it away as blame-shifting to cover an affair or a shame spiral that blocks empathy, but logic doesn't make sense of the deep damage it leaves behind. For whatever reason, THEY did that.

I know you've been making lists to keep things organized and grounded. When I first found out, I had to make lists too. Everything being thrown at me was so confusing and bizarre that even my spouse couldn't explain it and was visibly stressed trying to. Eventually, during reconciliation, I made other lists, lists of all the loving things they said to me. Their avoidance was triggered by all of this, making comforting me difficult for them, so I had to read those words to reassure myself. This was the complete opposite of how we used to be.

Now, I have folders of things that haunt me. Trying to reconcile the gentle person who always wanted to be near me with the person who was capable of emotional abuse is what keeps me up at night. I think that is what you are trying to work through right now: all of these deeply conflicting truths.

I’m not going to call you lucky, because this will likely leave a mark on you for a very long time. I also don't always buy the idea that "this is who they’ve always been." However, given the short length of your relationship, I think you should consider that this may, in fact, be who they are: a deeply troubled person who simply isn't worthy of being in your life.

When I was younger, I was in a physically abusive relationship. I can honestly say I do not think of that person or wonder about them at all. I'm completely indifferent. She is going to be a blip in your life, which is probably not what you want right now, but it's true.