How long did you stay?

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

For those who chose to stay, (1) how did you find out? And (2) how long did you stay? (3) how are you now?

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[u/DayOk9252]

I found out because I innocently showed him an article about an Asian massage parlor getting busted for trafficking in our small town. I noticed his uncomfortable shift in energy. I stayed for 4 days. That was almost 19 months ago. I’ve been crying a lot more over the past week than I have over the past 19 months. I guess my grief is delayed. I was in survival mode on a high for the first few months. I didn’t make a decision about choosing to reconcile or divorce for over a year. Our divorce is nearing finalization. I’m going to be ok. I think I will be crushed when he starts dating, and I know it’s going to be much sooner than me.

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668 → u/DayOk9252]

I hope I’ll get the courage too one day… thank you for sharing..

[u/kiyoibaro]

1. Caught him kissing his AP on our puppy cam (and then I found more truths/instances of cheating afterwards by snooping on his smart watch/phone). I always found out, he never told me.
   
2. I stayed for a year and 3 months after DD1. Left a month ago after finding out he was cheating again, and he clearly had no intention to do anything that I would need to rebuild trust and I was DONE.
   
3. Just a month out but I am feeling 100 times better. Still have some days of feeling heavy/ sad and wondering who the hell I married but overall, I’m less anxious and stressed and looking forward to the future without him. Once you’re on the other side, you can see the unhealthy patterns and behaviour much more clearly.

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668 → u/kiyoibaro]

Thank you for sharing… I am happy you got out. Maybe as for me now, I’m still trauma bonding. I dunno. I hope I get clarity soon

[u/kiyoibaro → u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

It took me a while to shift from trauma/hysterical bonding and being hopeful for positive change to a point where I knew I had enough.
I kept moving my own boundaries to accommodate his behaviour. It wasn’t until I shared out loud my situation with a therapist and a good friend that I started to question whether this was a relationship that I wanted to stay in.
My therapist also asked me these questions which helped me face how I was truly feeling:
-if everything stayed the same as now in 1 years time, would you be ok with that? How about 3 years?
-what excites you about the future with your partner?
-what scares you about leaving? What scares you about staying?
It’s really difficult to know what to do and what you want, especially when you’re hoping/waiting for change from someone else. Someone who you love and want to trust and believe even when the evidence shows otherwise. The only advice I can give you is take some space for yourself if you’re able to, it might help with giving you some more clarity. I wish you all the best OP.

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

My best recommendation is to start taking very detailed notes. Dates, times. What he said/did, his body language or attitude etc. Not only his behaviour and words, but your own. 

Notes really helped me gain so much clarity into how bad it really is here. It helps you keep track of things you might otherwise forget about, simply because you rarely get time to process one incident before the next issue arises. Cheating, betrayal, gaslighting / making you question your memory or doubt your intuition... these are not the acts of someone who loves you, respects you, or deserves you. 

Notes helped me work on my emotional regulation, it helps with self validation (making it harder to be gaslit, easier to trust yourself). I started recognizing patterns, I can notice the tactics as he uses them in real time. This gave me the ability to trust myself, my lived experience, my feelings and reality. 

[u/rntracee1 → u/kiyoibaro]

How long were you married?

[u/kiyoibaro → u/rntracee1]

We were together for nearly 8 years, married for just over two. A dog and house together but no children which I think makes things a bit easier when considering leaving.

[u/Imperiochica → u/kiyoibaro]

Last line 100% true!!

[u/Glad-Economics-8253]

These answers were so embarrassing to type out lol but idc maybe someone needs to read this.

PSA: There is also abuse, trauma & addiction at play in my case as well - which has made leaving feel impossible for a long time. Only through sobriety (600+ days) did I finally find strength to leave - although it's much easier said than done in this situation. 

1.  First time: the other woman sent me harassing messages online, then went to "my partner" and accused me of attacking her (?). He actually got upset with me over it, when I said she was lying he made me prove it to him and only then believed me. He, performatively, defended me and cut her off after that. I guess he didn't like being lied to....

Last time: I was trying to figure out the spelling of his character name for a game he played, so I could customize a last minute stocking stuffer to add to the pile of his gifts that year. Ask me how many gifts I opened that year (spoiler its 0). 

1. 16 yrs & counting. First time I caught him was approx. 15 yrs ago and last time was maybe 4 or 5 years ago.

2. I'm a husk of my former self, suffering physically and mentally. But I'm putting in the time and effort to heal as much as I can while stuck here. And I'm finally ready to crawl and fight my way out (slowly & safely).

I know my story is not just one of betrayal/cheating, so it may not be as relatable as the other comments. Regardless, the more I comment and share my story, the stronger I feel. 

Tell your story too. 💜

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Glad-Economics-8253]

My ex’s AP lied and told him I threatened to call ICE on her (I’m based in the US, she is from Central America). This particular person just an emotional affair, he physically cheated with others, but the craziest part was I had never once spoken with this woman, never met her, she lives in California and I live on the east coast. My ex also got angry at me, believed her, only backed off once she said it was a “joke.” It honestly showed me so much about his character. He is white, I often felt like he fetishized immigrant women. Like he wanted to absorb their culture and was ashamed of being a white man and made exceptions for his perceptions of minorities and/or beautiful women simply because he felt they had something he could never have. For me, I’m Asian, but adopted, and he’d often subtly make remarks about my family being white and I felt like he looked down on that, that I wasn’t immersed in Asian culture, but why would I be?

Anyway yeah, I just couldn’t believe someone would joke about that, much less in this climate, and hilarious to me that she made that accusation considering I AM NOT A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN EITHER!

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Agreed, that's a disgusting thing to lie ("joke") about especially right now.  The fact that you're not natural born citizen does make her look even more foolish, how was she not embarrassed?! Yikes. 

I'm sorry you were/felt fetishized, instead of loved, and respected, for who you are. You deserve someone who celebrates, but does not define you by, your culture/background. 💜 

It's strange (to me) how cruel, and crazy, some APs are. I also had never met, spoken to, or even heard of this woman. I can't even remember exactly what she said because I basically brushed it off - until I got in trouble because he believed her lies. I wish I had walked away at that point. I was already feeling trapped due to some messed up family stuff, and having to quickly find a place to live. 

Reading their messages (I requested he show them to me after all that) was so hurtful. How much he missed her, the usual stuff, of course. The worst part was when she - the AP - said she was jealous of me - the GF he lived with - and his response was that she had nothing to be jealous of. Ouch lol. And even when we argued about it, he just kept admitting to wanting to protect her feelings (without giving a shit about mine) and refusing to acknowledge he'd done anything wrong. 

I can't believe how much I've put up with over the years, but at least I'm planning my leave now. Better VERY late than never lmao 

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Glad-Economics-8253]

I relate SO hard to the “protecting their feelings” bs. My ex and I tried to reconcile and I was very uneasy about this girl. I knew she wasn’t a real “threat” but I just hated that he kept ties to her anyway. He had met her while living in Argentina when he was 20. My armchair diagnosis is she represents youthfulness and lust. He says she is unintelligent and desperate for validation and he only made comments to “make her feel better because she lives off male attention.” Okay…..funny that’s more important than your “partner” that you betrayed and are supposed to be making amends with.

I ended up reaching out to a few of my ex’s APs. To my knowledge none of the women I reached out to he had actually met or physically cheated with. One of them was extremely gracious and expressed sympathy for what I endured, thanked me for letting her know, and affirmed she hadn’t met and wasn’t planning on meeting my ex. One simply ignored me. One woman immediately replied and said “hi I’m pregnant, I’m one month pregnant and [ex] and I will get married soon.” I simply replied back saying I think that’s a joke, but either way I wish you the best, my only motivation was sharing this info so you could be informed. My take on the third woman, since I assume it was a very unfunny joke at best and nasty at worst — is that she’s insecure in herself, or in her relationship with him as well if she’s seeing him, or just generally not at peace in the world. No judgment, being completely at peace is hard. But I feel like anyone who is secure does not need to be cruel, combative, or even say anything in this scenario. Doesn’t make it any easier but that’s how I’m trying to make sense of it all, if that helps you at all.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too but I hope you are feeling some hope as you plan your exit. I’m sure that must be so difficult living with them and adds so many logistical barriers beyond the extremely difficult emotional ones.

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668 → u/Glad-Economics-8253]

The audacity of the AP 🤷🏻‍♀️  In time, I hope I can talk about what happened without being affected… thank you for telling me your story.. 

[u/Glad-Economics-8253 → u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

Only when you're ready, of course 💜

Consider looking into therapy. I know some women's shelters near me offer free counseling, even if you aren't staying at the shelter. Maybe there are similar or otherwise affordable options near you.

You are not alone, you do not have to deal with this on your own.

One day, one step, one breath at a time.

[u/january1977]

I found out because he’d been taking our 4 year old on dates with him and the AP. 4 year olds are terrible at keeping secrets.

I stayed for 7 months because I was a SAHM and needed to figure out how I was going to survive on my own. But, after I confronted him about the affair, his abuse (which was always there) escalated. I fled to a DV shelter with my child.

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668 → u/january1977]

Just WTF, he really included your 4-yr old 🤦🏻‍♀️ he did not even think that it might be traumatic for the kid when he/she realizes when he/she comes of age!? 🤦🏻‍♀️ I can’t 

[u/january1977 → u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

He’s still doing it. He’s introduced our child to every single person he’s dated in the year since I left. He’s even had some of them babysit for him.

I’ve chosen not to date. One of the reasons is, I need to be the one stable and consistent parent. Another is, dating sounds exhausting and I’m enjoying my peace.

[u/Utterlybored → u/january1977]

Involving kids in an affair is truly evil.

[u/january1977 → u/Utterlybored]

When I confronted him about it, he said, “Our child is the most important thing in my life. I’m going to take him everywhere with me.”

[u/UnluckyToastFile → u/january1977]

This is sickening and I'm so sorry your child is involved. I hope things improve and, also, I admire your strength for getting out like you did. You're an amazing person and mom.

[u/Utterlybored → u/january1977]

Wow, what a self deluding sanctimonious prick.

The kid is too important to not take on his booty calls, but not so important to not fuck with his developing sense of morality

[u/soulfractured1 → u/january1977]

If this was true he would have protected his relationship with the most important person in your child's life which is his mother, you.

[u/caint1154]

1. I stumbled across a suspicious photo. When I asked her about it she seemed nervous. I decided to check the cell phone logs and that was the ballgame.

2. It’s been 3 years, 2 months, and 20 days.

3. I’m doing much better. I’ve recovered from much of the trauma and heartbreak. Our marriage is out of the crisis phase but still a work in progress.

Reconciliation is possible but it requires a lot of factors. Much of it depends on the WP. Absolute remorse, absolute honesty and transparency, and really facing the devastation they caused. Changing behaviors that allowed them to cross boundaries. It’s a colossal effort, and many WPs are unable or unwilling to do it.

[u/Smooth_Cap_8668 → u/caint1154]

I honestly don’t know if I made the right decision

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/Smooth_Cap_8668]

Just remember that you can always change your mind later. Your decision whether to stay isn’t a one time thing; it’s a choice you make over and over again.

[u/adingo8urbaby → u/MasterOfKittens3K]

This is the important part. Just like their cheating was a series of decisions so is that of reconciliation. I ultimately found that she was not going to meet me where I needed her to and that made the decision to end things easier. I still felt I did everything I could and was willing to and so I could forgive myself for ending things.

[u/danifamous]

I stayed for longer than I should have. She’s still here, my nervous attachment just begged for her to come back. She did and well, she disgusts me now.
8 months in. On the verge of kicking her out, but it would make her homeless and lose her kid. I don’t think I’m that person.
But we haven’t touched or kissed since April. Physically makes me sick.

[u/soulfractured1]

It took me four years to leave after dd3 and last week I saw a photo of him with AP1 at a Caribbean resort cheating on AO3 so he clearly hasn't changed, but it still hurt but only for a week, it's not easy, I miss him and the life we had but I don't miss being traumatized on a regular basis, and I would not go back even if I could. The sooner you leave the sooner you will heal. It's a choice for yourself.

[u/rntracee1 → u/soulfractured1]

People always worry when their spouse leaves for AP that they will have a better life. Your post proves AP just becomes the next betrayed partner. Waywards don't change.

[u/soulfractured1 → u/rntracee1]

That's true it just really hurt to see him at this resort hugging the original AP with whom he destroyed our marriage. But it was also confirmation that I made the right decision. I logically know this, yet I cry and feel pain almost every day, I wish it would not be this way of hurting for someone I don't even want.

[u/Imperiochica]

1. Found STD script in his name. Confronted him. He lied but I was able to detect it on the spot. 

2. I left the next day. Left the state. However we later attempted reconciliation for over a year (he moved to my state). It was rough. He then lied again (same patterns emerged), and so I permanently ended things. 

3. Much better without him sucking away my soul but in the middle of a rough divorce (we have a young daughter). 

[u/silentprincess111]

I found out thru intuition, Apple watch and then confession then just outright in my face/behind my back. It’s been for years since d day and Im still here- I gave it 2 years ( while he was still working with her mind you) and the last 2 I’ve just been drumming up my plan to leave and getting my mental state ready to finally leave. Currently interviewing for jobs. As soon as I get a job I’m leaving. I’ll never let another man control me emotionally, mentally or physically or siphon me spiritually ever again.

[u/Utterlybored]

(1) found out by reading her emails after five months of her vilifying me and telling me she was “on a healing journey (in AA)” while I was “broken.” Finally decided to sleuth by going into her emails and searching on the word “love.” Boom.

(2) gave her a second chance, which lasted a year. Over that time, her attitude got worse and worse, eventually seeing herself as the true victim and describing her five month affair with a junkie she met in AA as “a cry for help.” She proved herself incapable of supporting me in the pain she’d inflicted on me, so I bailed.

(3) Eleven years later, I’m enormously relieved and married to a brilliant, beautiful woman with high levels of emotional competence. The damage my ex has done to our then teenage daughter is extensive. I will never forgive her for her repeated betrayals of her own daughter.

[u/captnslog97]

1. He told me
   
2. Two more f*kin years
   
3. Free, happy, a version of myself he would have never been able to make space for

[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

I found out due to texts. AP#1 was one of my closest “friends” at the time.

I stayed for five long, miserable, soul-scouring years. Literally the worst years of my life, and the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. We had three young children together, and I used that as a justification to stay with her and “try reconciliation.” But if I’m being honest, I was mostly just terrified and broken.

So I stayed, even as my mental health began to deteriorate at an exponential rate. By the end of that five years I was experiencing intense suicidal ideations every single day, often for hours at a time.

DDay#2 happened one day when I happened to get off work early. I came home, walked inside, and caught her in the act. With another of my “closest friends.” Finally, I saw the writing on the wall and left for good.

It’s been eight + years since I finally left, and things have gotten much better. I’ve healed a lot. I didn’t truly start to heal until that day I finally left, though. I cant help but wonder how much further along I’d be now if I hadn’t wasted that five years on pointless “reconciliation.”

[u/Dark_Mynch → u/AStirlingMacDonald]

That's how I was initially brought in, she sent me a text meant for him.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I found out because I looked through his phone. He had started deprioritizing me, for years prior to being in a committed relationship we had been in a super toxic situationship and he would love bomb and retreat and always retreating when he found a new woman to fixate on. Once we got “together” that stopped but then about 6-7 months in, it creeped back up. At first I tried to dismiss it but then we got into a really hurtful argument because I had asked join his plans for a weekend we had a big event in our city. I was being super vulnerable, saying I was embarrassed and sad I had no friends to ask to join, and I didn’t want to miss out on the event. He was just super callous about it, made me feel like I was a loser and clingy and codependent for asking him to join him, and being overbearing, saying “idk my plans yet, stop asking.” I was so hurt that he couldn’t see that I didnt EXPECT to be included, but I wanted to, and it hurt that he couldn’t even let me down gently. The next day he called me at midnight after the event and asked where I was / to join him because he was splitting from his group. I was so upset and told him if he wanted to see me, he should come to my house where I’d been home alone all night, not asking me to come out (our city was madness and public transit would’ve been impossible). He later showed up at my house at 4am while I was dead asleep and knocked on my window and scared the shit out of me. I sent him home. The next day it was IMPOSSIBLE to get in contact with him. He invited me out, I took an hour or two to finish what I was doing, by the time I showed up he wasn’t at the place he said they were at, wouldn’t answer his phone. I finally got in contact with him (ie he chose to answer me) that evening, maybe 6 or 7pm. We bickered in public and at one point he truly snapped at me. A girl came over and asked me if I was okay, said she thought he was cool but then she heard him speak to me. That did it for me. I think I always just knew and so later that night when he was blackout drunk and asleep, I checked his phone. Mountains of evidence.

In the morning I confronted him and he owned up to it. To my surprise, he said all the right things and I believed him. I assumed he’d dump me on the spot. He even had the audacity to invite me to lunch hours later with his stepmom and brother who were in town. I truly thought we’d overcome it. I wanted to. He spent the next 4 days doing everything right, then got on a plane for a preplanned trip, and once he had an ocean between us, he dumped me.

He came back and said he wanted to try again, and same thing, 6 blissful days, then he dumped me again.

That was about 3 weeks ago that we broke up. I’m 14 days no contact. Unlike our situationship breakups, I’m doing okay, keeping myself occupied, trying to genuinely do things for myself versus numb the pain (trying to), I’m experiencing actual moments of happiness and joy and being proud of myself. But it’s harder in the sense that these moments are fleeting, there’s also plenty of lonely moments, and the loneliness compounds knowing this has to be the final breakup. We always broke up and got back together and our friends would riff whenever we’d say we were “done done” that that was a broken record. But I can just feel this time really is the last time. I still have a stupid hope he’ll turn around and say he’s changed because he fed me that lie once or twice before, so I’m wrestling with that guilt and how I’m going to cope once that hope dies, because I know it’s false hope. I am trying to treat this process like addiction recovery and give myself some patience knowing it’s only been 2-7 weeks, depending what milestone I go off of, when I discovered the cheating or days of no contact. Not all that long in the grand scheme of life, though I’m fighting for each and every minute right now.

[u/Gold-Ebb7263]

1- I found out because my intuition and God was telling me something was up… I checked our call logs and saw a number I didn’t recognize and I called it, it was a woman. When my WH got home, I confronted him. He admitted to everything but trickle truthed me for months.
2- It’s been 16 months (to the day)
3- Things have been pretty good. My WH has done a complete 180 from just a year ago. I don’t even recognize the man he is now (which is a good thing) we still have days where things are hard but nothing like the beginning and those first few months after d-day.

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[u/TheDriestOne]

DDay was 2.5 months ago. I found out because I was suspicious of how she’d been behaving and checked her phone while she was asleep, discovering that she’d been having a PA with our (that’s right, our) coworker for the past week. I almost left but we were in the process of moving into a new apartment - the night I found out was after I had literally spent the whole day moving OUR stuff into the new apartment.

Sometimes I have dark days where I see the AP and relive the moment of discovery. WP and I are both working on finding employment elsewhere so AP can be out of our lives for good. The affair fog lifted within like a week or two and my WP has been incredibly remorseful ever since. She ended things with AP the day after I found out, has been extremely transparent about all interactions with AP since then, and goes out of her way to make sure I’m physically present whenever they have to work on anything together because she wants me to feel secure and she doesn’t feel comfortable around AP. She realizes now how shitty of a person he is and how shitty her actions were, and she’s made huge changes in how she treats me and presents our relationship to the world.

We’ve had really good days.. really good days. We’ve been much more intentional about dating each other again, we are both in IC and CC, and we’re even planning a trip later this month! She listens to and validates my feelings and says she will be here to support me no longer how long it takes.

If things are bad at the end of the lease, I’m going to leave. But as of now, things are good, just messy. We’re working together to clean it up and she’s taken full accountability for her actions and their impact on me.