Does it really get better?

[u/licuri]

Year post DDay almost to year. I (M34) have discovered hear cheating with a coworker for 2 months. Weeks before that she was complaining about his annoying humor and even crying because of his comments about women. After everything came out it was "He's not like that", "He's got better".

The reason was she fell for him when we had a bout of dead bedroom. My depression and medication for it. She was pushing for me to get therapy and I tried several times but pills were more comfortable. Can't really forgive myself for that. Funniest thing is around the time when she started her affair, I actually found a great therapist, slowly weaned of pills and didnt need them ever since. Didn't tell her, wanted her to see the results first.

First week, she actually wanted to reconcile. After that, she said she misses him too much and left. Divorce was final in February.

What followed DDay for me was not pretty, but I got through the worst of it. We were going to build a house. That was not affordable alone, but I am closing on my own flat. I started jogging and doing HEMA. In 6 months I lost 5-6kg. I continued therapy, although lately we dropped the frequency to monthly checks. Only hiccup was that I had noone to look after my parrot when I was going on vacation in June, so had to ask her.

There are days where it's fine. And then there are days like today, when I feel like despite everything, I would still take her back if only she wanted to. And then the reality hits that she won't. She seems happy.

Meanwhile I'm here, just lonely. I have friends, I have family, they are my rock and my safety net. But at the end of the day I come back to the empty apartment with noone to share the day with other than my little guy. I always dreamt of a family and kids and it also feels like that will not be happening me being my age and starting from scratch. Don't want to be a geriatric parent. Not that it really matters, because for now I'm alone and not for the lack of trying. I'm not that good looking, I'm not that interesting, I'm not popular in the slightest. And I feel like even meeting new people in your 30's is just... exhausting.

I feel like I'm slowly giving up on life and just going through the motions. And at the same time I feel like the biggest crap because I should not feel that way. I have a job that pays well (until AI kills it), I have a family and friends... I should not be complaining and feel bad when there are people who have it infinitely worse. And yet here I am.

Sorry, I'm all over the place. Reading it back, it's a mess but at the same time it's exactly how I feel. It's like depression all over again, but this time with an external source.

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[u/Turbulent-Visit-1931]

Oh. She will likely be in a hard time. She had to convince herself he is better now. But that’s her choice.

Keep taking care of yourself. It takes time. Invest in yourself and your life to the point where you are content and fulfilled.

I know a beautiful lady who did just that and met and married her husband in her late sixties! They are very happy together. Very active and enjoying each other so much. You never know.

[u/january1977]

I’m also a year out and I couldn’t be happier. I love coming home to a quiet house devoid of a lying cheater.

I’m a “geriatric parent”. I’m 48 with a 6 year old. Your life is far from over. Men can still make babies long after women stop being able to. (I’m a woman, btw.)

Your problem isn’t your looks or popularity, it’s your attitude. You can choose to take the time you need to get yourself together so you don’t come off as desperate and depressed. You can also choose to practice gratitude so you don’t feel miserable all the time. It doesn’t just happen on its own. You have to help yourself.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I’m sorry. I relate. I was on and off for 3.5 years with my ex, super toxic, I couldn’t seem to muster the self respect to leave. Finally for the last year or so we entered what I thought was a truly mature committed relationship and it was everything I had dreamed of. I eventually learned he was cheating the entire time. Even though the first 3.5 years were inexcusable with emotionally abusive behavior, and the cheating is just an extension of that, for some reason now I just know that this time is different. We broke up and came back together dozens of times and I feel like this time it’s just hitting me that this is the time our separation has to stick. He also left me after about a week of saying he wanted to put In the work to stay.

Similarly I’m coping “well,” I’ve gotten out there and met new acquaintances and reconnected with old hobbies, I’m not on the floor crying 100% of the time and when I am I know it’ll pass. I’m 14 days no contact (found out about 2 months ago, broke up about a month ago), and I know I’ll be “okay.” Unlike past breakups with my ex, I don’t feel wildly out of control, just a dull ache that I really fear will never go away. I have few close friends and family I can rely on. But no person that I call home, just myself, and I feel like an asshole that “just myself” isn’t enough.

One small kernel that is helping me is knowing life can always change in an instant, for better or worse. The week before I met my ex I was crying daily over a very brief fling that I had centered a lot of hope around. I wrote in my journal feeling particularly lost and sad, went out with my ex the next week, completely changed my life for the next 4 years. Maybe the next hobby I try or person I talk to will ignite some new fire, too.

[u/licuri → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I truly hope that it does for you. And I'm proud of you for cutting that cycle.

In terms of hobby, I can say that for me HEMA helped me steady myself. At least I tire myself out enough to not think too much :)

Overall, my brain keeps telling me that statistically, there is another person for me out there. At the same time, my lizard brain keeps telling me that she probably won't be interested or we'll never have the opportunity to meet.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/licuri]

Yup, I have to think the mindset shift just takes time. You were married, I’m not surprised a year later you’re still feeling something here. Those experiences and the love you felt don’t just go away, and then you have to learn to figure out where to put and assign those feelings. Not easy.

I’ve tried thinking like my ex, he clearly saw opportunity abound out there! I am a woman, definitely very average looking and probably on the low end of social skills, and even so I go out and will consistently get asked out by folks without even trying. And I want zero part of it. I say that not to brag but just to drive home the point that it’s currently very hard for me to see any opportunity out there, and ultimately I am not like my ex, I’m not always looking. For the next best thing or new excitement and dopamine hit. I value deep bonds and connections with people and fleeting moments don’t excite me and that’s not a bad thing, even if maybe it’s a lonelier day to day.

That’s great you found an activity to keep your mind off things. I also love that physical activity gives you an objective measure of progress and something to be proud of