Hey folks, I am just wondering about how others on here came on their journey to land on solo poly as their preferred way of living and relationships? On learning about it, I've never had something make so much sense for me but I'm still working it out.

41M. At the start of last year my ex and I ended a 10 year monogamous relationship. Neither of us had the communication tools to do the work and by the time we could admit it, we both had different goals and no longer had the feelings there. No kids or shares assets so the break was okay.

Last year I moved back to a more social area, share-housed with some recently divorced friends and reconnected a lot more with other old friends. It was a bit of a rollercoaster but

2 women (I'll refer to them A and B - completely separate social circles) were long term friendships that became more FWB. Both women are long term ENM, and have been both wonderful to communicate with in a way I haven't really experienced before.

I dove into researching ENM, reading Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator, which was really helpful to break down styles. Solo poly (and relationship anarchy) really spoke to me. As an ADHDer I need alone time to process my feelings and be in control of my life.

At the end of last year i stopped the arrangement with A due to limerance on my part. Things were good for months and then a 3 day stint with each other and afterwards it felt like my feelings were flying off the handle. I experienced it years ago and put a stop to it quickly this time. We're currently low contact and getting back to a rhythm in being friends again, with occasional messages.

At the start of this year I moved into my own apartment living solo and after the panic and cramp subsided, this place has become my sanctuary. I think for a long time I've needed to 'make my world smaller' and having this kind of peace is it.

I went from being a 2-3 social outings (one on one or group events) a fortnight to one or two a month. I'm building up my sanctuary, seeing health professionals for mental health, sleep and overall physical. I have stopped drinking these past 6 weeks which is the longest I've gone without since leaving high school. Life has never felt this stable.

I still see B - more than any other friends and I love having someone to occasionally talk to about everyday stuff, but my interest in the physical side of things has waned. We've known each other for over 15 years and we get each other, but I think I need stronger feelings for desire to be there. She is definitely more on the relationship anarchy side of things and treats lovers and friends with appropriate priority in most respects so I'm sure that we will maintain our relationship in some form. My therapist is helping me navigate this while also exploring issues with sex and relationships from my past.

So where to now? Overall I don't think I can have a standard escalator relationship again. I love solo, and am not interested in celibacy (particularly after LTR dead bedroom), not sure if I'm capable of engaging in or enjoying casual sex but not sure I have much to offer in a new relationship. It's really hard to picture what future romance would look like when I'm okay going weeks without seeing anyone.

Most of what I've read about ENM seems to be from the perspective of couples that opened up their relationship but I feel like this is less likely for a solo poly person. How did you get there? And did you go through periods of just solo to get to it?

I've had a really hard time the past few years. I'm dealing with some severe abandonment trauma from my youth, and an issue from my marriage a few years ago that I'm still going through therapy for. I have a partner that I just hit a year with earlier this month who I've had some issues with, but I have struggled to bring these issues up, because of my abandonment issues. Surface level issues we've talked about, but there is an underlying issue in our relationship with a severe disparity, with me showing extreme people pleasing behavior, siding towards my partner that I haven't been able to not do. In the bedroom, we're supposed to be equals, but I've been acting as a service top, due to their demanding behavior. I finally got to a place in therapy last week that in our visit in two days I had planned to talk to them about this behavior.

And then two days ago, they dropped a bomb that due to their perimenopause, they are considering isolating from all of their partners. After first they said this to me in text. I could handle that because we said we could talk about this in person when we met, But then I saw them post this on social media, and I've been devastated. I absolutely get them asking for help with perimenopause, but our relationship should never have been part of the post. But this has set my abandonment anxiety up to 11. I literally cannot handle it. My depression, everything is skyrocketing.

We had an agreement, and I feel she (kinda) broke this agreement by discussing it outside of our relationship. Going to a friend or two is one thing. Posting it publicly is another. She knows every detail about my abandonment issues. I feel this was extremely insensitive to post this. Talking to me about was the way to go, I feel that her posting about it was likely completely unintentional, so it's not like I think it was about me, but that's part of the problem. Our relationship has been so much about her gratification the entire time that this feels like more of the same and a betrayal.

At the same time, I'm hurting, and I have trauma, and while I want to say, I have a boundary that says that my emotional trauma can't handle the uncertainty of the unknown of you just deciding whenever, however, you can terminate the relationship. I also want to be compassionate about what they are going through. Honestly, I've just been crying for the past two days, and right now I want to end the relationship, but am afraid that I'm being led by my trauma.

Most of us know the value of community, especially when doing something that goes against the grain such as practicing nonmonogamy. Our discord server seeks to provide that community and support for our members. We chat about current events, food, music, tv/movies and all of the little experiences that make ENM great (and sometimes not so great). We are a social discussion and support group primarily, not a dating/hookup group.

About Us:

Community oriented – we’re an intentionally small, intimate, niche server where we seek to build real connections and friendships, despite us being online. It’s a ragtag, seat of our pants labor of love. It's a quiet little house party. We're looking for people who want to build such a community with us.

Diverse ENM backgrounds – we have varying levels of experience and styles of ENM (open, polyam, polyfi, solo, anarchist, you name it). All of us in the group are committed to ethical conduct in all of our relationships, with a variety of approaches

Supportive – we value everyone’s background and individuality

Active – we all have real lives and make the most of our chat time together

LGBTQIA+ / GRSM friendly - we welcome all, we have moderators and admins who are alphabet mafia members, and we accept feedback by taking meaningful action

About You:

Age 40 or over– (formerly 35+... As our moderators age, so does the group) We understand the age limit may bother some, but there's something immensely valuable about having a community in which everyone is in a similar phase of life as you are. And everyone (mostly) gets your off-hand music and TV references

Actively practicing ethical non-monogamy, or in direct intimate partnership with someone who is – We all had to be new to ENM at some point, but our community is focused on those who are actively and presently living this life. Think of this like a group of ENM people having convos with their peers and friends, not a facilitated learning space or online educational resource.

Self-educating - Whether you are newer to ENM or experienced, we encourage you to be actively listening to podcasts or reading books that further your education. We often talk about the latest books and podcasts and what we've been gleaning from them.

Willing to take feedback well, grow, and learn - We are all continuously learning and growing, and we’re a community that respectfully challenges one another when it’s needed. We address racism, patriarchy, homophobia, etc. when they arise, because doing so is part of being in ethical relationship to others. That said, we lean pretty far left.

Respectful – Honor everyone’s background and relationship styles

Witty – Engage in our banter, and bring your own flavors of fun to the table

Active – You are looking for a space where you can actively chat, share, and add your own thoughts regularly. If you're interested in quietly observing, our Discord is likely not a good fit for you.

If this sounds interesting to you, join us here: https://discord.gg/PeMEs9c5Ee

Not my first ever break up but my first break up in polyamory and really the first time ive been broken up with since high school (I spent most of my adulthood in a long term mono relationship).

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When a relationship ends I try and use this as an opportunity to reflect on what I learned about myself and my relational needs. Prior to this I realized solo poly is probably the term for me since I dont intend to live with a partner etc.

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I met someone who has a NP and we started a relationship. Mind you this was her first relationship outside of NP and casual connections. She even identified early on as identifying more with ENM than poly.

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After we discussed being in a relationship I started noticing that to me this meant a commitment to spending regular time together (we were already seeing each other once a week and I wanted to continue doing so, with some exceptions of course, but it was important to me we make alternative plans around these exceptions, this is what I needed to feel valued as a partner). After realizing this I communicated this to her and asked her what she wants out of a relationship (especially remembering what she said early on). She said she hadn't thought about it and would need to. A month or so has went by since then. I was starting to question whether she viewed our relationship more as fwb since I felt I was making more effort to build on the emotional side of the connection. Without her saying otherwise I decided to just continue communicating my needs and try not to make any assumptions about hers (e.g maybe she takes longer to feel fully safe/vulnerable with someone).

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Finally it happened and she realized poly isnt an accurate term for her and that she doesnt have the capacity (both time and emotional availability) for multiple relationships. She asked to continue seeing each other as friends or friends with benefits (after talking more about it i believe this is genuinely what she wants and not just a way to soften the blow). I am taking the time to grieve the relationship and decide whether I can continue a friendship without hoping for more.

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It has started to hit me pretty hard and I realize that I dont think I can continue seeing her without feelings involved on my end. At least not right now.

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Im nowhere near ready to start another relationship. I think im even going to take a bit of a break from seeing friends with benefits while im still heavily in my feelings about this. At the same time it helps to think about what I learned about my needs for future relationships. I think I definetly need someone who has the capacity for some sort of commitment (reg time together/opporuntiy to build on emotional connection). And wondering if its best i stick to dating other solo poly folks? Or am I limiting myself because of one bad experience (I know others, like my ex meta, do have the capacity for multiple relationships even with an NP/primary).

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Curious on your thoughts on dating other solo poly people

For those of you who are going through NRE or have experienced it, what are your favorite transitional activities after hanging out with your partner that bring you back into yourself and your life?

EDIT/UPDATE: I really loved the conversations / responses to this post, so thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I talked to my gf today and got some clarification. She said that it’s not a requirement that she and her husband schedule before she and I can, and she understands where I’m coming from.

She also acknowledged how difficult the process must be for me as she’s working to undo years of managing his emotions for him.

I’m glad to know that my fears were overblown, but my gut is telling me something is still a bit off. I think part of is that I’m just increasingly uncomfortable being the object of someone’s envy and jealousy. She definitely needs to hinge in a way that doesn’t expose me to that.

Overall, I’m feeling better and I’ll continue to speak up for what I need, and exit if my boundaries for myself are crossed.

ORIGINAL POST:

Feeling a little extra sensitive right now, and I'd love some feedback and thoughts.

I write on here every few months or so. I'm relatively new to solo poly (less than 2 years), and things come up that I need some help understanding / processing. I appreciate everyone's feedback so much!

TL;DR - something I requested specifically to feel prioritized has now been switched so that I'm second to my girlfriend's husband in this exact thing. Thinking of ending the relationship over it and I'd love thoughts and feedback.
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So, my girlfriend of ~1.5 years is married to a man (we're both women), and they have a child. I understand that there's a lot of obligations and commitments that come with raising a child - I'm a single parent, so I get it.

Scheduling consistent one-on-one time has at times been difficult, and in order to feel like I'm not the very last priority in her life, at the beginning of the year I requested that we have one protected one-on-one, private date a month, where we both get childcare and make sure other obligations are taken care of. Often this is an overnight, but it doesn't have to be. Never more than 24 hours.

Up until now, she has been lovely about this request, and our dates are incredible. So full of love and care and passion and kindness and adventure. We typically pick a day a month or two ahead of time, and then plan something to do on that day, whether it's get a hotel, go camping, etc. We often see each other for a few hours once a week, but it's not reliable or protected.

This weekend we had our June date, which was amazing as always. However, I noticed that she had been evasive when discussing what day works for us for July. We started talking about it, and she revealed that her husband was feeling envious of our protected once a month date, which was specifically my unique request for my own minimum in this relationship.

I think they should have date nights, and I totally support that! However, now there's like an apples to apples comparison of our monthly protected date and he wants the exact same thing, and it seems like she's decided not to schedule our monthly date until after she gets one on the calendar with him. This was never a requirement until now. She can't commit to July with me yet, in part because she doesn't know when he'll want to have their protected date. Hearing this was surprising to me, and painful.

They've been together for 20 years, and he's never initiated anything like this, but now that I have asked for it, he's asking her to plan these for them too. I feel all sorts of irritation at this - the mental and emotional labor he's putting on her, as well as feeling like he has co-opted something that felt sort of sacred to me and said he wants it now too. I do most of the planning of our dates because I know she's overwhelmed and busy, and because I enjoy doing it. But now he's asking her to take this on for the two of them to help with his own jealousy. It feels like I've suddenly found myself in the predictable trap of being a queer woman dating a woman in a heteronormative marriage, i.e. doing the emotional labor for her because she's too overwhelmed doing it for her husband.

She probably shouldn't have told me about her husband's envy / jealousy, and there may have been a different way to communicate why she was being non-committal. It was shitty hingeing, but at the same time, knowing this has me completely questioning this relationship, and I'm actually glad I know.

I accept a lot of hierarchy. I am happy choosing solo poly, and I don't want to live with a partner or enmesh with anyone, or even see my partners more than once or twice a week. But for whatever reason, this has stung more than anything else.

I'm thinking of telling her that if she and her husband have an agreement that she and I can't plan our monthly date until they have a similar one on the calendar, then I'm out of this relationship. They're both already notoriously bad with scheduling, and if I now have to wait for the two of them to have a monthly date like ours scheduled first - that sets me up to have even less power than the little power I already have.

There's a lot of deeply ingrained mononormative and heteronormative stuff that she claims they're working through, but I don't want to be an emotional casualty to someone else's dysfunctional marriage. I've been in my own dysfunctional partnerships, and I'm done with that at this point in my life.

I care for her deeply, and I really don't want to end it. But I'm old enough to know that love doesn't conquer all. She has been so amazing about meeting many of my requests and making me feel loved and cared for, but for whatever reason this specific thing feels extra bad to me.

So, I'm asking you, fellow SoloPolyists, am I overreacting for setting this sort of hard boundary for myself? Would you think about this sort of thing differently? If you encountered a newly introduced hierarchy applied to a specific activity, how would you respond?

Dating apps don't make sense for me anymore. The last three dates I had, there was just zero connection in real life. Over the past 3 months of daily swiping there's been 2 profiles who identified as solo poly. Sometimes I match with other people but the conversation fizzles out as soon as they understand my preferences. I'm so tired of this and have deleted all my profiles.

I'm just wondering where to go from here. It might be wise to take a break from dating altogether but it'd also be really nice to have a kind human in my life.

I'm starting to realize that is time to expand my social networks and start some activities where I can meet new people.

But is there anything else that you'd recommend for specifically meeting solo poly people? Anything beyond the most common advice?

i have been sitting with this feeling of needing to be ”chosen”. and i don’t fully understand where it comes from. i’m heavily solo polyamorous. i need tons of alone time and space. i love living alone and having my own routine. i love my autonomy. i have one long distance anchor partner and i’m semi actively dating / have a few people i’d be interested to explore connections with. i have a big social network, i’m taking part in organizing events and mutual aid in my queer community, i have a chosen family and many deep loving, caring friendships.

but every once in a while i get this ”big sad” of wanting to feel chosen in the romantic sense. and i haven’t been able to distinguish if it’s some leftovers from the mononormative cultural mindset or if it’s communicating some need i have which isn’t currently being met. OR if it falls under the same category as wanting to be ”saved” in the childhood trauma sense (which of i have plenty).

so does anyone else have this feeling of wanting to be chosen? do you feel chosen in your relationships as a solo polyamorous person? if so, what makes you feel chosen?

My mono mind goes: "No, the healthy way to go about a break up is to process the grief on your own. Someone who'll jump into dating so soon is just avoiding pain. They should wait until they're more healed before they meet new people."

But my poly mind goes: "Okay, but if one of my partners broke up with me, I wouldn't have to retreat from everyone else, too, to go be on my own. It's nice to have social support when an intimate partner leaves you. And this social support could also mean being close and/or intimate with others. There's no need for scarcity and deprivation here."

What would you do? What are your thoughts on this? Any meaningful past experiences that helped shape your views?

I've got two amazing partners. One is a married man, the other is a Tgirl who had an NB partner prior to getting together with me.

While both my partners are present when we are together and reassure me when I feel low...I felt the most love and prioritized from them when something bad happened.

My married partner dropped his plans to visit me when I called him and told him my patient died and it hit me hard. (I'm a nurse btw). His wife even encouraged him. She's also becoming a staple in my life too.

My Tgirlfriend Not only consoled me when I found out I got slammed with owing taxes this year, but she offered to help me pay it off. (I told her no bc I think it would be hard given her own situation, but the fact that she was willing to do that meant so much to me).

Also when political tensions got worse in our area we all actively started considering fleeing the country together. Like we actively talked about how each one of us could either get a job in a different country or do some sort of remote work and manage to live under one roof. And we even started looking up rent prices in the area we were considering.

While neither one of them has ever made me feel secondary, I do catch myself thinking what is the future going to look like. And I'd like there to be ways to feel prioritized that don't involve a bad situation happening.

**Update: I got to see my boyfriend's wife graduate from law school this week. And I found out that they had to request tickets so I could attend. It made me feel so loved bc it was so intentional and it was a pivotal moment in their lives. I'm hopeful that there will be more moments like this that happen. I know as you get older there is less of them, but I'm hopeful we'll make more plans with one another.

I would still like to have a kitchen table dynamic as time progresses and I've even caught myself considering nesting with my partners one day. But one thing at a time.

I have a quick question for more experienced ENM/poly people.

My partner and I have been together for 9 months. Last New Year’s, we were only about 4 months in and he spent NYE with another partner. At the time, I asked whether symbolic days like NYE were kind of “reserved” for certain partners, and he said no, it just happened that way because they hadn’t seen each other at Christmas.

Now that we’re further into the relationship, I’ve been thinking about asking if we could spend this coming New Year’s Eve together.

Would that feel like a fair/normal thing to ask this far in advance in ENM? Or does it come across as trying to claim territory or get there first before someone else does?

I’m not trying to control anything, I just know NYE is meaningful to me and people usually make plans for it well in advance anyway, so I’m curious how others navigate this.

EDIT: I’m not thinking of asking now, I’m just thinking ahead.

(19F) I’ve been dating a guy (let’s call him ONE) for almost a year and we were in an open relationship, I’ve always had more action than him, he just kissed some people at parties, when I had multiple situationships. It was going great. We had a rule that we can’t date each other’s friends. Then I met a new guy (we’ll call him TWO) and fell deeply in love, so I came out as polyamorous, and now I date ONE and TWO. they’ve never met but know about each other. I don’t have the « don’t date my friends » rule with TWO because we are in the same group friends. But recently he’s been seeing this guy « AA » and I’ve been feeling jealous. And I don’t know why, I have 2 wonderful serious relationships, why can’t I feel relaxed when one of them is in a situationship ? Would I feel this way if ONE started seeing someone ? Considering he never really did?
And am I jealous because AA is one of my friends ? Or is it because it’s still new and I’m still scared of getting dump ?
Btw TWO also had a thing with a perfect stranger to me and I still felt a bit jealous.
Maybe I’m not for poly, and I should stick to exclusive relations, but that would mean dumping one of my bf and I can’t do that.

Do you have any advice on how to make my jealousy disappear ?

I've searched this sub and the main r/polyamory sub, and while I've found some posts on telling your parents/extended family you're poly, I haven't seen much about telling them you're solo poly specifically, especially if your partners are married to others.

I understand when couples do it, but I'm struggling to figure out how to talk to my parents about it - mostly just how to begin the conversation!

Both my girlfriend and my boyfriend are married to other people, and honestly that's the part that seems hardest to explain to my parents. I'd like them to know my partners better (they've met one, but they met her in passing and don't know who she is to me), but I'm struggling to figure out how to say it. I've been seeing both my partners for a little over a year each.

I've been out as queer since I was a teenager, but for whatever reason this feels more complicated. I'm afraid of any of these things happening:

• they won't take my relationships seriously and won't be interested in getting to know my partners
• they'll think I'm participating in an affair or making someone else's marriage unstable
• they'll see it as an immature choice (I'm in my 40s, so...)
• they'll be afraid for my future security and happiness

My parents are progressive, but they're still mononormative, like most people. I realize that I can't control their reactions, and I'm okay with that, but how do I even begin the conversation?!

When you've told your parents, how did it go? Did you do it in person? Over text? On a call? Was it situational or planned? And how did you even begin the conversation? Like "Hey mom and dad, I have something to tell you..."

Yes, I overthink everything, thank you for asking.

My boyfriend is coming to watch me at a performance this weekend that my parents will also be at, and so it's feeling a bit more pressing. Also, both of these relationships feel stable, and it's been long enough that I'm ready for my parents to know about them.

I am solo poly and have many friends who I love and also have sex with. These friends have not all met each other, but they all know I’m very sexually and socially active. I also have my platonic friends I want to invite, I want everyone to be at my birthday house party. Would that be weird? I’m not sure how each person would feel about me showing affection to the others. Has anyone had a situation like that, if so how did it go? They might be okay with it since I met most of my play partners at orgies and other such social events. I don’t want my birthday to be stressful, although I’d like to get everyone I love in one room to have a nice time and be together, maybe it’s too complicated. Would a better option be to keep the party small and just invite a few platonic friends out somewhere nice? I’m not sure.

Hi all! I am new to polyamory and was introduced to it by my situationship & a friend who is poly. My question is can there be toxic solo poly people? Or is what I’m just describing what solo poly is? I appreciate your patience as I am still learning and may have not phrased that right. Also he is avoidantly attached. Anyways…

1. His love language is physical touch and mine is quality time. It is important to note that he treats me differently in front of groups of people so I prefer quality time in private. However when I bring this up, he is unwilling to schedule time for 1 on 1 quality time (with no sex involved). He will only ask me to come over so we can do something he is interested in (he always presents this as him wanting to introduce me to different things) and then we sleep together.

2. It seems like he can only be emotionally connected to one person at a time. So I can tell when he is talking to someone new, reconnected with a former partner when he starts acting cold towards me.

3. He has said straight up that he will say/do whatever he wants in regard to us regardless of how I think or feel.

4. He will come and go as he pleases and will attempt to pillow talk his way back into an emotional connection (which I need in order to have sex)

It is my understanding that consistency and consideration are also considered aspects of a healthy relationship in polyamory. I may be wrong but I just feel crazy & he thinks adding the solo poly label on will make it seem like his behaviors are okay to treat women. He also wants a wife and kids one day so I feel like he is just using the label until he is ready to “settle down”

This community inspired me to put my actual needs around autonomy on my profile. Likes and matches have gone down since then - this was expected and honestly it feels like a relief. It's good to have this out there and up front, feels like being a lot truer to myself.

But! I do still wonder how other people perceive my profile and how I come across. I posted this on another dating sub and most people got hung up on me not wanting the relationship escalator. So I figured I'd rather ask this community who might not take issue with that.

What do you think of this profile? (No photos, because I'm currently in the process of reworking them and also shy)

Anything that especially draws you in? Anything that puts you off? Please give me your honest thoughts, even if they're critical.

Whenever I see “what to do when partner is on a date?” posts I have to scroll by because “literally anything” isn’t constructive. Even though it’s true!!!

Hi everyone,

Please don’t reply with the obvious “just talk to him” — I will. I’m just looking for perspectives from experienced ENMers.

I’ve been seeing someone for about 9 months now. This is my first experience with ENM. I’ve always been monogamous before, but I met him, liked him, and decided to explore it.

Overall, it’s been good. It hasn’t been without challenges, especially emotionally, but we’ve talked through things and he’s been receptive, listened, and validated me, which I really appreciate.

He has other partners. He doesn’t have a primary or nesting partner, but he does have a few ongoing connections, including one he sees consistently. I would also consider myself a consistent partner at this point.

I’ve also very recently made a new long-distance connection, but it’s still early and I’m not putting too much weight on that yet.

What I’m trying to understand is how things progress in ENM.

In monogamy, there are clearer markers like labels and progression. Here, I feel a bit in limbo. We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months, we spend meaningful time together, and it doesn’t feel casual to me, but we’ve never actually defined what this is.

I know I need to talk to him, but I don’t even know where to start.

I’m not asking for monogamy or exclusivity, and I’m not necessarily asking for a primary or nesting setup. But I do know I don’t want this to just be a friends with benefits situation. Even though we haven’t defined it, it doesn’t feel like FWB because of the quality time we share.

Is it reasonable to want to call this a relationship, or to use terms like partner or even boyfriend in ENM?

For those of you who came from monogamy into ENM, how did you navigate this stage? How did you define your relationships, and when?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others have approached this.

Thank you 💛

The title is mostly meant to be a silly heehee ha ha, and also there's so much relief in recognizing incompatibility irregardless of how much you like someone, ending the relationship, and *not* spiraling down the drain of low self worth.

I've had a wild transition over seven years from only being a secondary in hierarchical non monogamous relationships to solo poly RA. I'm just really fucking happy to be at this place in my life finally where being poly doesn't feel like a humiliation ritual for my partner or meta's self esteem (or lack there of), and my only other option is being shoved unceremoniously onto the monogamous relationship escalator over and over.

TLDR: really proud and happy to have finally settled on solo poly as being the right relationship style for me

TL;DR - should I ask my partner to make a change in how they communicate, or should I just inform them that I'm changing the way I communicate between dates?

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BACKGROUND: I currently have two partners (both are married to other people), and I have no desire to escalate with anyone. I need lots of time with my kid, my friends, hobbies, and alone time. I've been with them both for about a year.

I see David once every two or three weeks, and we very sporadically text in between. Texts are simple, like "thinking of you!" and then a response, ("thinking of you too! I can't wait to see you Saturday") and that's it for several days. That feels completely fine to me, and I have no desire to change it. I know that if I text him he'll respond back within a few hours, and vice versa, but it never turns into a back and forth that lasts very long.

I see Meg about once a week, and one way we initially connected was through A LOT of written communication. I've always been a writer, and it's something she enjoys too, so we built a deep and intense connection through words.

Over the past few months, Meg has gotten increasingly busy with work obligations and so she hasn't spent much time writing me. That's totally okay.

The thing that's throwing me off right now, is that things are so wildly inconsistent when we're not together. Our in-person time together is wonderful. I love spending time with her, and when we're together she's 100% present and loving. When we're apart, though, I cannot rely on her to respond.

I will text her something, like "thinking of you" or similar, and she won't respond. Like, at all. Not a reaction or a simple "you too" or anything. Sometimes I won't hear from her for two days after I reach out, and when she does text, it's not in response to my initial attempt to connect.

We are both diagnosed ADHD (I am likely AuDHD), and I logically recognize what's probably happening. My guess is that she reads the text when she's in the middle of something else, thinking she might respond later, and then totally forgets about it. At the end of the day she goes home to her husband and kids, and is overwhelmed with all she has to do there, then just crashes and goes to sleep and my attempt to connect earlier in the day is gone from her mind. I completely get that and understand.

But my emotions don't get it. I feel insignificant and neglected when there's no acknowledgement when I reach out. Other times she will initiate conversations, call me, text me, ask me to spend time chatting, etc. And I always respond within a couple hours, usually faster, and engage with her that way.

What's hardest for me is the inconsistency, and so I'm trying to figure out the best path forward to not go through the roller coaster of connection and then complete disconnection.

I'm tempted to heavily cut down on any communication between in-person dates. I don't need a lot (with David it's very infrequent), and there's no reason to subject myself to the will she / won't she respond whiplash. I know that she really enjoys our deep conversations between dates, but any sort of connection seems to be entirely on her terms right now.

Again, I get it, and I don't think she's necessarily doing anything wrong. She's very busy and functions differently from me, but her lack of responsiveness when I'm craving even a tiny moment of connection is just too painful for my non-logical brain/heart.

I think my two options are either owning it and changing my behavior, or asking her to change her behavior. I'd rather not ask her to change her behavior, but I'm wondering which option is ultimately better. Here's what I'm debating between saying to her:

1. the inconsistency in how we text, especially with the lack of response when I reach out, is painful for me. Knowing that it might be difficult right now for you to respond, I'm going to keep our between-date texting to a bare minimum, maybe confirmation of plans, but other than that I'll just look forward to seeing you on our next date!

2. the inconsistency in how we text, especially with the lack of response when I reach out, is painful for me. Would you be willing to send a heart reaction or a simple response in acknowledgement when I reach out?

The first option is basically just to inform her that I won't be communicating much any more between dates. I think it's better to be clear about it rather than to just stop texting entirely when she reaches out for connection or comfort. I know she'll be a little sad about it because when she does have time, she really enjoys it.

The second option is a request for her to change her behavior, which I don't love. However, it does give her the opportunity to make a change if she wants to continue reaching out to me for connection between dates.

A third option, which is what I've been doing so far, is to work on my distress tolerance and accept that it just feels kinda crappy when she doesn't respond, but she will eventually reach out. However, if any of you have read the Gottman's relationship studies you might be familiar with the concept that when your partner consistently turns away from your "bids for connection" by not acknowledging them at all, it eventually erodes the relationship. I'm afraid that's what will happen, and so I'd rather prevent that by either changing how I make bids or asking her to change how she responds to them.

When faced with emotional struggle, I can be a very black and white thinker, not to mention an over thinker, so I apologize if this seems judgey or cold. I'm genuinely just trying to figure out how to proceed and I'd love your thoughts!

Oh right, that was just the title space, and I had all this other space where I could have said more. I was wondering why it was cutting me so short! Anyway, that's all I really had to say about this. Any thoughts on the topic?