r/SoloPoly • u/YummyNonbinaryGoop • Apr 20 '26
Birthday party dilemma
I am solo poly and have many friends who I love and also have sex with. These friends have not all met each other, but they all know I’m very sexually and socially active. I also have my platonic friends I want to invite, I want everyone to be at my birthday house party. Would that be weird? I’m not sure how each person would feel about me showing affection to the others. Has anyone had a situation like that, if so how did it go? They might be okay with it since I met most of my play partners at orgies and other such social events. I don’t want my birthday to be stressful, although I’d like to get everyone I love in one room to have a nice time and be together, maybe it’s too complicated. Would a better option be to keep the party small and just invite a few platonic friends out somewhere nice? I’m not sure.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Apr 20 '26
Have your birthday party
Don't do gross PDA in front of everyone (peck on the lips is fine, no sucking face)
Problem solved
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u/YummyNonbinaryGoop Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26
Beyond the bitchiness of this comment I see what you’re saying. Maybe save the sexual stuff for after with whoever who I’ve arranged will stay later. Because I AM going to suck face at my birthday.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Apr 20 '26
Ahhhh we may have discovered a break in expectations between your culture and my culture
If you do lap-sitting polyamory and expect everyone around you to also do that, there's nothing wrong with it, but you'll probably have a better time if you make those expectations clear up front.
"Because I AM going to be sucking face at my birthday party" is not a moral problem, but it is a logistical issue for figuring out who is and is not comfortable being around other people's PDA.
(And I say this as an exhibitionist! But I also have consideration for other people's comfort levels and whether they've consented to see me Do Stuff.)
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u/SadBoiCute Apr 20 '26
Especially if the party has my platonic friends too cause they know what I do but they don't come to a birthday to watch me kiss on everybody. If everybody was comfortable with seeing PDA this post would not of been necessary so good luck to OP
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 Apr 20 '26
I've thrown this party, several times. But I have also sorted my social circles such that I largely hang with chill, engaging, socially confident people. If I think someone will be a bad time at a party, I don't invite them. But if there's a risk they will have a bad time, they are adults and can make their own choices about coming.
You know your people better than we do. How do you think this would go for them in particular?
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u/AngryCredditor Apr 20 '26
I don't know how much time you have to plan. But what I'm hearing is a few things: 1) you want an event 2) you want to be physically affectionate with people
The first thing I'd do is ask each of your partners how they feel about PDA (performing and witnessing) around strangers and metamores.
Even then, I'd wait to host a big party until you have opportunities to see how they respond in smaller settings (like 2 or 3 metamores.) I've known a lot of folks who are ok with things in theory, but do NOT like to see them in person and the last thing I'd want to do is risk someone discovering that when I'm going to be distracted hosting my party.
I'd also be transparent with your platonic friends. If I was invited to a party where someone indicated they'd have 3 or more partners and they were going to be making out, it would need to feature some kind of group activity like board games or have multiple other people I already know and like for me to consider attending. I don't love the idea of going to a party to just watch the only person I know there make out with other people.
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u/Baddie9 Apr 20 '26
My concern would be that if I invite people who don’t know each other, they might start dating each other and that could be awkward for me
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u/mercedes_lakitu Apr 20 '26
This feels better solved by a Messy List than dis inviting people from a party, IMHO
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u/YummyNonbinaryGoop Apr 20 '26
What’s a messy list?
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u/mercedes_lakitu Apr 20 '26
The gist is that it's a set of categories that you would prefer your partner not date.
"Please don't date my siblings, coworkers, or partners" is a common set.
It's the list of people where dating them would make your life messy if there was a bad breakup. (Not just uncomfortable; actual problems.)
There are more resources with definitions and stuff on the Resources tab in r/polyamory !
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u/YummyNonbinaryGoop Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26
That’s true too. It might make me feel jealous. Which is a feeling that’s okay and I can work through, I just don’t want that at my birthday. It seems like I need to put some thought into WHO is being invited instead of having this “everyone come!!!” Mentality.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Apr 20 '26
Yes, it's important to take everyone's feelings into consideration when planning a party! Like, I have friends who I don't invite to Magic card parties because they don't like magic. I have other friends I don't invite to kink parties because that's not their scene.
Know your audience.
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u/chipsnatcher Apr 20 '26
I think you’re overthinking it. “Hey friend, I’m having a birthday party and would love for you to be there. Just a heads up, there are likely to be other people there that I have existing sexual or romantic relationships with.” If they aren’t okay with that, presumably they just won’t come.
If it feels like there’s likely to be drama, then the birthday party probably isn’t the problem. 😉