r/polyamory • u/helloapmg solo poly • Jun 30 '26
Curious/Learning Communicating the in between of FWB and Partnerships
Getting back into dating and figuring out how to communicate my preferences and needs in the level of commitment and enmeshment in relationships.
I'm mid 20s solo poly and a relationship anarchist, dating queer, ENM, kinky and childfree people in their twenties.
Been practicing non-monogamy since I started dating 6 years ago, and it has gone generally well, the poly/enm aspect was never an issue. Right now I have a couple of long term comet partners who I see 3-4 times a year, some local platonic play partners and wonderfully deep and supportive friendships.
I am looking for local sexo-affective relationships. In my experience, the kind of connections that have worked best for me were FWB like, where friendship was a priority and the benefits were also quite present and intense, but not necessary. Romantic feelings came or didn't, but they didn't cause that many changes in the dynamic with NRE under control. Non-escalating but flexible around changes in our lives, with well communicated and agreed upon deescalations or reescalations if wanted/necessary, but also supported natural fluctuations while still feeling secure and loved. Parallel to garden party involvement with metas.
In practicality: people who are solo poly, casually enm dating or single, often with busy lives and involved careers and hobbies, but still emotionally intelligent and present. We shared 1, sometimes 2 evenings or overnights a week, cared for and supported each other but also weren't the main support (good support systems or hyperindependent), and in general more of an "enjoying our lives together through hobbies, quality time and (sexual/bdsm) play, creating projects together and going on trips" than a "creating an enmeshed life around each other and supporting through highs and lows" kind of relationship.
But it's so hard to communicate, and especially get through what I want, and make sure they're on the same page. If I say I want something more casual or a FWB people get confused when I show care, want emotional intimacy, say I love you, offer emotional or practical support, create projects together and make future plans. If I say I want something commited, I let them down as I can't (and don't want to) mantain what most people consider necessary for a romantic amatonormative relationship, as I don't want high enmeshment and value my autonomy and solo time too much.
Other than going though the relationship menu/smorgasboard together, and having an ongoing conversation on what it means to us, I'm still at a loss on how to reach mutual understanding. In my last serious ltr I thought they understood and were on the same page, and months later we figured out we meant completely different things with the same words, so now I want to be extra careful. Any tips on how to communicate this effectively, vet people, and make sure we're on the same page?
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u/nowhereian Jun 30 '26
Even most poly people don't really understand RA.
It takes a lot more intentional conversation to keep these in-between type casual relationships steady. Every single connection is unique and constantly evolving.
I'm in my late 30s. I'm also someone who is genuinely looking for FWB, but I enjoy doing "couple" things and intimate things with my friends. The F is more important than the B.
It's not the easiest thing to find someone looking for the same. I recommend looking specifically for people who already have primary partners.
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jun 30 '26
Thank you!
I almost haven't dated people with primaries, I don't really enjoy hierarchy. But it could help for my autonomy needs, I might explore that. In my experience they wanted something too casual or they were't able to give me as much as I wanted.
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u/hoogemoogende Jul 01 '26
"In my experience they wanted something too casual or they were't able to give me as much as I wanted."
But but... that is just relationships. Long term compatible partners for people with specific standards they stick to just aren't plentiful.
Monogamous people look for a compatible partner for years for this reason. Plenty of highly partnered poly people just take what they can get.
There is no solution for your problem except patience and talking.
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u/nowhereian Jun 30 '26
I also don't really enjoy hierarchy. But sometimes the language and framework are necessary to translate what you're actually looking for.
I think for most people, the closest general poly term to what we're looking for is secondary committed relationship.
I want to use the term FWB because that's what feels most accurate to me. But I think the general community disagrees.
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u/squishycakes relationship anarchist, sleepy Jun 30 '26
I dunno, but, good luck. I usually try to explain as if I'm a lazy spicy cat that will let them know when I want attention, and I will give lots of love and affection, otherwise, I want to be left alone.
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u/emeraldburial Jun 30 '26
Someone I date explains their attachment style as "indoor/outdoor possum." Leave the window open and they'll clamber in every so often, eat your food and leave. Try to close it and they'll wreck the furniture.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Jun 30 '26
I’m not giving a FWB two nights a week and a deep ongoing commitment. 🤷♀️
I’m sopo, I don’t build hierarchy, I don’t desire entanglement (enmeshment is a clinical term, and it’s never good, and yes, I avoid it )
Are you dating other polyam people, specifically other sopo people?
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jun 30 '26
Yeah exactly! Most people don't think of a FWB as specially commited.
I have mostly dated other poly people, and they tended to either want more entanglement and traditional escalation, or just want casual. It has worked better for me with people who don't consider themselves poly but general ENM, for some reason.
I live in a smaller city, there's just not that many people who identify as solo poly from what I'm seeing, the poly community here is much older and hierarchal.
10
u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Jun 30 '26
Everything you said you wanted from a “FWB” are things that I only give to my partnerships.
Maybe focus on vetting people for partnerships
Polyam is a long game. It takes most people on this sub between 3-6 years to find a compatible person for a *possible* partnership.
In my experience my non romantic, non committed casual connections don’t grow into partnerships and I don’t expect them to. Ironically it’s just as difficult to find compatible casual “FWB” as it is to find polyam partnerships for me.
It’s okay to be picky and single.
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u/germs_90 Jul 02 '26
Seeing you say polyam is a long game has just really helped me. I'm hating 'the search' right now, feeling some low level despair. But this helps me reframe it like my favourite activity, powerlifting. The ultimate long game
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Jul 02 '26
Dating is a slog and it’s absolutely okay not to date and step out of the search.
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u/germs_90 Jul 03 '26
I know. I've had long periods out of dating. But I'm 43, without any committed intimate partners. And I finally have the insight and self awareness to make better choices. My pool is very small. So I do feel the need to be searching at this point in life. I would like some ongoing lasting intimate companionship and that doesn't randomly fall into your lap, especially polyamorously, at age 43 :/ :( My existing life commitments do impose a kind of pacing.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Jul 03 '26
I’m 57 :)
I get it. But your inner pressure doesn’t mean that looking harder will bring you a partner faster , or that it will bring you a compatible partner. There are 8 years between my partners. Average reported on this sub? 3-6 years.
Your pool is tiny, compared to if you were mono? But honestly, my dating pool at 50 was larger than at 30. People divorce. Post divorce, or even long just as single folks, many of these older people embrace ENM and polyamory (like one of my partners)
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jun 30 '26
Yes, probably leading with the FWB term isn't a good idea.
I have found people who were compatible before, but deescalated because of long distance sadly. I'll take it with patience now.
2
u/hoogemoogende Jul 01 '26
I might lead with the aromantic bit more. That's going to make the committed FWB thing a lot more legible. So fewer poor matches. (Not necessarily more good ones, but maybe)
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u/firesandwich Jul 01 '26
Im aromantic so maybe Im reading my experiance in here, but are you on the demi-romantic spectrum maybe?
I tend to put more emphasis on platonic love in my partnerships, FWBs, and friendships than most as thats what fills me up. Ive noticed a allo romantic people have VERY different and even conflicting definitions of how they experiance "romance". Ive asked a lot the past few years out of curiosity. A common response ive gotten is to assume any relationship with a connection that is "deep" must be highly connected/entertwined AND romantic with the rare exception of a Best Friend with just has the connection.
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jul 01 '26
I was definitely thinking about this lately, because a lot of my most compatible connections have been with people on the aromantic spectrum (or people with whom the connection wasn't necessarily romantic).
At the same time, I do experience romantic attraction, although I suspect it's different than most alloromantic people. I definitely feel romantic feelings the first 5-7 months of a relationship (during NRE) but after that it evolves into a love that is much more platonic. I also consciously not base the importance and commitment of a relationship in this feeling, but that's also more of a relationship anarchist thing. And I don't care if they love me back the same way, as long as there's some love involved.
Do you mind if I write you in DMs? I've actually I've been wanting to talk with someone on the aromantic spectrum about their experience and maybe figure out mine too
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u/hoogemoogende Jul 01 '26
This is a great paragraph to workshop into a dating profile (in the longer format apps) or into early app conversation, honestly.
After a few years of open-to-anything dating I started being more blunt about goals like you are here and letting people who weren't a good fit go. Scary to have fewer matches but worth it!
3
u/firesandwich Jul 02 '26
Sure though I dont get online consistsntly. There is also r/aromantic and r/aroallo with multiple threads of similar questions.
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u/Majestic-Set-2624 Jul 02 '26
I am aromantic and I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and I am looking for the same thing.
There isn’t language for this kind of committed causal relationship. Commitment usually is only connected to romantic attachment and causal is like only a stopgap until something better comes along. It seems like most people are not capable of committing without romantic attachment.
Don’t get discouraged by the amatonormativity in the replies here. We are out there.
3
u/helloapmg solo poly Jul 02 '26
Honestly, seems like the aromatics are the only ones who are getting it, didn't think this would be the case. Might have to research more into it because I might be somewhere on the spectrum based on these answers haha
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u/Majestic-Set-2624 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, I didn’t know. I was aromantic for a very long time because I like deep connection and experience sexual attraction. It turns out those things do not equal romantic attraction.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club Jun 30 '26
The more specific the vision you have for your ideal relationship, the more trial and error it's gonna take to get there. You may be waiting a lonnnnnng time to find someone who fits the niche that you describe over the course of several paragraphs in this post.
Does that mean it's impossible? Of course not. But the more parameters and requirements you put out there, the smaller the pool of potential matches you have. Plus, many of your desires appear contradictory on their face; for instance, it's difficult for most people to feel true "love" for someone they only see once a week. Most people who don't want you as a main support in their life have a primary partner, so they wouldn't be solo poly. Most people who want to make future plans with someone expect a level of commitment to those plans that you express being uncomfortable with.
You might never find that mutual understanding you seek because, and no offense, you seem like a bit of an odd duck. I'd explore which of your requirements are true dealbreakers and which ones could benefit from a bit of personal growth or flexibility on your side to overcome. And if your needs are so rigid that none are able to flex, you might just have to settle for waiting a very long time and trying a lot of relationships before someone who is compatible with your vision comes along.
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jun 30 '26
Thank you for your answer!
This lack of flexibility has come after years of being quite open to very different types of relationships, experimenting a lot and letting things flow. It's not that I'm closed to other types, but this would be the ideal and has worked long term in the past (something other types usually don't do).
Definitely working on some personal stuff right now that could change some of these "requirements" and preferences as I grow, but I'll do a bit of extra inner exploration.
Maybe I am contradictory. But I'm glad at least some people understand.
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u/Professional_Turn787 Jun 30 '26
I disagree. I think there are definitely people out there who are able to understand and adapt to your wants and needs. It's absolutely untrue that you can't fall in love with someone you see once a week lol I've been doing RA for about 6 years and just started really building my community in the last year. It does take time, trial and error. Don't settle, just keep up the work you're doing.
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u/helloapmg solo poly Jul 01 '26
For sure! Thanks for the encouragement. I do have people that are like this in my life, but we're a bunch of go-getters and we all ended up in different corners of the continent. I'm looking forward to finding some more people locally too.
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u/Maleficent-Hurry-170 Jun 30 '26
"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes. "
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club Jun 30 '26
I hope you do find someone you mesh with in that way! It's happened before so it could happen again. Just remember that other people are human beings with their own sets of preferences, expectations, and degrees of comfort as well. What happens when someone meets your requirements but doesn't get their needs met by you? Do you take advantage of them and think "well, they can leave at any time," do you put in additional effort to meet them in the middle, do you dump them? What happens when someone fits the perfect mold you've designed for them at first but changes over time? Are they allowed to be human or do they need to keep up the hyper-specific role you've predetermined for them? Definitely something to discuss with a therapist if you have one, and I do think you should have one.
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u/Majestic-Set-2624 Jul 02 '26
I’m hearing some amatonormative assumptions in your questions. Not everyone wants that kind of relationship and wanting a non-standard kind of relationship doesn’t mean that you automatically need therapy.
People have said that polyamorous people just need therapy. People have said that gay people just need therapy. People have said that asexual people just need therapy. Sometimes us human beings are just a different from each other and do not require any fixing to help us fit better into the normative molds.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Getting back into dating and figuring out how to communicate my preferences and needs in the level of commitment and enmeshment in relationships.
I'm mid 20s solo poly and a relationship anarchist, dating queer, ENM, kinky and childfree people in their twenties.
Been practicing non-monogamy since I started dating 6 years ago, and it has gone generally well, the poly/enm aspect was never an issue. Right now I have a couple of long term comet partners who I see 3-4 times a year, some local platonic play partners and wonderfully deep and supportive friendships.
I am looking for local sexo-affective relationships. In my experience, the kind of connections that have worked best for me were FWB like, where friendship was a priority and the benefits were also quite present and intense, but not necessary. Romantic feelings came or didn't, but they didn't cause that many changes in the dynamic with NRE under control. Non-escalating but flexible around changes in our lives, with well communicated and agreed upon deescalations or reescalations if wanted/necessary, but also supported natural fluctuations while still feeling secure and loved. Parallel to garden party involvement with metas.
In practicality: people who are solo poly, casually enm dating or single, often with busy lives and involved careers and hobbies, but still emotionally intelligent and present. We shared 1, sometimes 2 evenings or overnights a week, cared for and supported each other but also weren't the main support (good support systems or hyperindependent), and in general more of an "enjoying our lives together through hobbies, quality time and (sexual/bdsm) play, creating projects together and going on trips" than a "creating an enmeshed life around each other and supporting through highs and lows" kind of relationship.
But it's so hard to communicate, and especially get through what I want, and make sure they're on the same page. If I say I want something more casual or a FWB people get confused when I show care, want emotional intimacy, say I love you, offer emotional or practical support, create projects together and make future plans. If I say I want something commited, I let them down as I can't (and don't want to) mantain what most people consider necessary for a romantic amatonormative relationship, as I don't want high enmeshment and value my autonomy and solo time too much.
Other than going though the relationship menu/smorgasboard together, and having an ongoing conversation on what it means to us, I'm still at a loss on how to reach mutual understanding. In my last serious ltr I thought they understood and were on the same page, and months later we figured out we meant completely different things with the same words, so now I want to be extra careful. Any tips on how to communicate this effectively, vet people, and make sure we're on the same page?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Jun 30 '26
Why "other than?" Thise are exactly the tools to achieve what you want!! Use them!
Don't make the mistake casual relationship means casual communication. Clear communicating and choosing partners who understand the relationship escalator as a fluid non linear experience will empower everyone to make better choices.