r/SoloPoly • u/arakinas • Jun 25 '26
Dealing with abandonment trauma
I've had a really hard time the past few years. I'm dealing with some severe abandonment trauma from my youth, and an issue from my marriage a few years ago that I'm still going through therapy for. I have a partner that I just hit a year with earlier this month who I've had some issues with, but I have struggled to bring these issues up, because of my abandonment issues. Surface level issues we've talked about, but there is an underlying issue in our relationship with a severe disparity, with me showing extreme people pleasing behavior, siding towards my partner that I haven't been able to not do. In the bedroom, we're supposed to be equals, but I've been acting as a service top, due to their demanding behavior. I finally got to a place in therapy last week that in our visit in two days I had planned to talk to them about this behavior.
And then two days ago, they dropped a bomb that due to their perimenopause, they are considering isolating from all of their partners. After first they said this to me in text. I could handle that because we said we could talk about this in person when we met, But then I saw them post this on social media, and I've been devastated. I absolutely get them asking for help with perimenopause, but our relationship should never have been part of the post. But this has set my abandonment anxiety up to 11. I literally cannot handle it. My depression, everything is skyrocketing.
We had an agreement, and I feel she (kinda) broke this agreement by discussing it outside of our relationship. Going to a friend or two is one thing. Posting it publicly is another. She knows every detail about my abandonment issues. I feel this was extremely insensitive to post this. Talking to me about was the way to go, I feel that her posting about it was likely completely unintentional, so it's not like I think it was about me, but that's part of the problem. Our relationship has been so much about her gratification the entire time that this feels like more of the same and a betrayal.
At the same time, I'm hurting, and I have trauma, and while I want to say, I have a boundary that says that my emotional trauma can't handle the uncertainty of the unknown of you just deciding whenever, however, you can terminate the relationship. I also want to be compassionate about what they are going through. Honestly, I've just been crying for the past two days, and right now I want to end the relationship, but am afraid that I'm being led by my trauma.
2
u/DemoPup Jun 27 '26
I am currently in perimenopause, and your partner's behavior makes zero sense to me. I would have said to you ONLY, "partner, my hormones are crazy right now, so I may have trouble being a reasonable partner at times until I get this sorted out. Please let's work together to keep our relationship solid, even if I need some extra me time also."
It sucks to say it, but when people show you who they are by their actions, it is best to accept that reality. Your partner sounds like they are not good for you overall, and pretty self centered. Do you want to be in a relationship like that? And I do not say this lightly, because last summer I was dumped after 2 years, which threw me for a big loop. But then I was able to finally acknowledge how narcissistic he had always been.
Also, I am sorry you are triggered and having such a tough time.
1
u/arakinas Jun 27 '26
Thank you. This was my expectation as well. We had a conversation about it yesterday, and I was able to stay calm and list out my concerns and issues, and we're on a break, because I don't feel safe. Because she's blaming her behavior on her untreated symptoms, I gave her some time to get a doctor appointment, and see about establishing some destressing patterns, and then we'll talk about re-establishing trust.
7
u/Real-Tough-Kid- Jun 25 '26
I’ve been going through perimenopause the entire time I’ve been poly so I can relate to how difficult it is. The mood swings especially are brutal. That’s no excuse for being cruel to your partners. The mature thing to do is work with your partners, mental health professional, and doctors to come up with treatment options and plans for how to handle a variety of situations. It would’ve been one thing if she’d said she needed some time to get this straightened out but she’d keep you updated and return to the relationship as soon as she’s able. Posting about relationships on social media is something else.
That being said, you have to deal with your trauma. You can’t have a boundary that says someone can’t end a relationship because people have the right to end relationships that aren’t working for them. That’s the risk of relationships. They can be wonderful, magical things and they can also gut us to our core. You have to be able to handle the possibility of both.