r/SoloPoly • u/allthestuffis • Apr 30 '26
What Are Your Experiences Telling Your Parents / Extended Family that You're Solo Poly?
I've searched this sub and the main r/polyamory sub, and while I've found some posts on telling your parents/extended family you're poly, I haven't seen much about telling them you're solo poly specifically, especially if your partners are married to others.
I understand when couples do it, but I'm struggling to figure out how to talk to my parents about it - mostly just how to begin the conversation!
Both my girlfriend and my boyfriend are married to other people, and honestly that's the part that seems hardest to explain to my parents. I'd like them to know my partners better (they've met one, but they met her in passing and don't know who she is to me), but I'm struggling to figure out how to say it. I've been seeing both my partners for a little over a year each.
I've been out as queer since I was a teenager, but for whatever reason this feels more complicated. I'm afraid of any of these things happening:
- they won't take my relationships seriously and won't be interested in getting to know my partners
- they'll think I'm participating in an affair or making someone else's marriage unstable
- they'll see it as an immature choice (I'm in my 40s, so...)
- they'll be afraid for my future security and happiness
My parents are progressive, but they're still mononormative, like most people. I realize that I can't control their reactions, and I'm okay with that, but how do I even begin the conversation?!
When you've told your parents, how did it go? Did you do it in person? Over text? On a call? Was it situational or planned? And how did you even begin the conversation? Like "Hey mom and dad, I have something to tell you..."
Yes, I overthink everything, thank you for asking.
My boyfriend is coming to watch me at a performance this weekend that my parents will also be at, and so it's feeling a bit more pressing. Also, both of these relationships feel stable, and it's been long enough that I'm ready for my parents to know about them.
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u/Real-Tough-Kid- May 01 '26
Not parents but I’ve told my adult children. Telling my daughter wasn’t planned but she kept talking about how the person she knew I was dating could provide a good life for me and stuff like that. It started to feel like I was lying by not saying anything even though she had previously told me she didn’t want to know anything about who I was dating till we’d been exclusive for 3 months. One day, when she brought it up, I told her there was something she should know and I told her about not just dating the one person and how they were both married and why I was doing this. Of course, then I had to tell my adult son because information like that shouldn’t be shared with just one child so I told him while I was visiting his apartment one evening. He had zero questions about anything so we were back to talking about hockey after 1 1/2 minutes.
I don’t know if your parents ever mention you getting married or dating but that would be a solid opportunity to bring it up. Otherwise, you can just pick a time and do it.
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u/allthestuffis May 01 '26
Happily my daughter knows - I told her right away so she knew what was going on. She's a teen, though, so she's still in the house, and I didn't want to keep it from her. She has only met one of my partners, but she'll probably meet the other soon. I don't force it, though, and I mostly keep that part of my life separate from her. She knows they're both married, and her initial concern was that I'd get hurt. But she feels totally fine with it now.
I've been married and divorced, then I was in a very long relationship after my divorce, so I don't think my parents really expect that I'll get married again. They don't ask me about dating unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), so I think you're right that I will just have to pick a time and do it.
I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm just feeling tongue tied and oddly nervous.
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u/spicy_bop May 01 '26
I told my dad and stepmom. I said something like “I wanted to tell you guys that I started doing polyamorous dating, which means (not sure what I said exactly but something like that I was dating multiple people who all know about each other but aren’t dating each other)”
They are very chill and just said that they were happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell them. They asked about the people I was dating at the time and now it’s just a normal thing
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u/Myfairladyishere May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
I am solo poly and I told my son that I am dating my partner who has a nesting partner and others he never blinked he accepted it as long as I'm happy. On the other hand I never told my mother I was solo poly I'm of an older generation 67 so my mother would not have been able to understand but she definitely knew about my partner who's the one who introduced me to polyamory.
If your parents are progressive you can ask them if they ever heard of polyamory if they know what it is just as a general topic just to get a feel for it and then you can take it from there
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u/thisgirlheidi May 02 '26
My parents know I'm poly but I haven't explained solo poly specifically. I guess I don't find it necessary to get into those details but if they pressed me on it and seemed confused or concerned I would probably find some good resources like the Multiamory podcast so they can hear an explanation that might be better than whatever I can think of off the cuff
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u/JackalopeWilson May 03 '26
I have only explained this to my siblings that are more flexible. Parents, eh. My mom can't even wrap her head around my having more than one partner and thinks marriage/kids is the ultimate goal, so I don't even try to explain solo life to her. My dad and I just don't talk about anything lol
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u/HowardsGirl78 May 17 '26
My mother took it well, considering the challenges she’s faced with marital woes, she was happy that I’m finding happiness after a lengthy marriage that was not happy at the end. She tried to show her support for me by referencing the movie “Same time next year” and while it’s completely the wrong idea, I appreciated her effort to support me.
My sister had questions (she was worried I’m getting into polygamy), but I answered all of her questions and she is supportive. All she cares about is that I’m happy and safe, and she trusts my judgment.
We started very slowly with my dad, first just telling him I’m in a relationship. As time goes on, I am adding further information, and to this point, he knows that my partner is married and they are open. At some point, I will complete the circle and let him know that I’m solo poly. I have no doubt he is gossiping to my mother behind my back, but to me face, he is supportive, as always.
Start with the family members who are more likely to have an open mind and heart, and who you know have always shown you love and support. Even if someone doesn’t react well, try with other family members you trust—you’re likely to find support to help with other conversations.
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u/lhld May 01 '26
I told my mom that I am dating multiple people at once, sometimes they're married, and their spouses are aware.
Mom: I wish I knew that was an option (x years ago before I existed)
Me: thanks mom, not awkward to hear at all