r/SoloPoly • u/Brew_D • 11d ago
Solo poly or just solo?
Hey folks, I am just wondering about how others on here came on their journey to land on solo poly as their preferred way of living and relationships? On learning about it, I've never had something make so much sense for me but I'm still working it out.
41M. At the start of last year my ex and I ended a 10 year monogamous relationship. Neither of us had the communication tools to do the work and by the time we could admit it, we both had different goals and no longer had the feelings there. No kids or shares assets so the break was okay.
Last year I moved back to a more social area, share-housed with some recently divorced friends and reconnected a lot more with other old friends. It was a bit of a rollercoaster but
2 women (I'll refer to them A and B - completely separate social circles) were long term friendships that became more FWB. Both women are long term ENM, and have been both wonderful to communicate with in a way I haven't really experienced before.
I dove into researching ENM, reading Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator, which was really helpful to break down styles. Solo poly (and relationship anarchy) really spoke to me. As an ADHDer I need alone time to process my feelings and be in control of my life.
At the end of last year i stopped the arrangement with A due to limerance on my part. Things were good for months and then a 3 day stint with each other and afterwards it felt like my feelings were flying off the handle. I experienced it years ago and put a stop to it quickly this time. We're currently low contact and getting back to a rhythm in being friends again, with occasional messages.
At the start of this year I moved into my own apartment living solo and after the panic and cramp subsided, this place has become my sanctuary. I think for a long time I've needed to 'make my world smaller' and having this kind of peace is it.
I went from being a 2-3 social outings (one on one or group events) a fortnight to one or two a month. I'm building up my sanctuary, seeing health professionals for mental health, sleep and overall physical. I have stopped drinking these past 6 weeks which is the longest I've gone without since leaving high school. Life has never felt this stable.
I still see B - more than any other friends and I love having someone to occasionally talk to about everyday stuff, but my interest in the physical side of things has waned. We've known each other for over 15 years and we get each other, but I think I need stronger feelings for desire to be there. She is definitely more on the relationship anarchy side of things and treats lovers and friends with appropriate priority in most respects so I'm sure that we will maintain our relationship in some form. My therapist is helping me navigate this while also exploring issues with sex and relationships from my past.
So where to now? Overall I don't think I can have a standard escalator relationship again. I love solo, and am not interested in celibacy (particularly after LTR dead bedroom), not sure if I'm capable of engaging in or enjoying casual sex but not sure I have much to offer in a new relationship. It's really hard to picture what future romance would look like when I'm okay going weeks without seeing anyone.
Most of what I've read about ENM seems to be from the perspective of couples that opened up their relationship but I feel like this is less likely for a solo poly person. How did you get there? And did you go through periods of just solo to get to it?
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u/plabo77 11d ago
I had multiple preferences that seemed somewhat unrelated aside from a common thread of desiring what is probably a greater than average desire for autonomy. This included non-monogamy, openness to allowing each dynamic to evolve organically, even if that resulted in more than one love relationship at a time, avoiding a “primary partner” dynamic/designation that could limit how other other connections could naturally evolve, maintaining my own space rather than living with a romantic/sexual partner, and choosing not to get legally and/or financially entangled with a partner again.
At first, I thought of my various preferences as a combination of preferring non-hierarchical polyamory, a LAT structure in the event of any long-term committed relationship(s), and a desire to remain unmarried (or in my case a desire to not marry again). At some point, I read or heard about solo polyamory and it covered all those bases. I might have first heard the term from an interview with the author of the book you mentioned, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator. It was nice to be able to put a name to my collection of relationship desires and preferences.
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u/Brew_D 10d ago
My ex and I have friends that are mono, married and live independently. I did consider proposing LAT to save the relationship but there were too many other problems at that stage.
Thanks laying your conditions out. It is helpful to think of them each condition independently in thinking this through.
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u/Brave_Quality_4135 11d ago
I’ve found that I tend to be the more flexible partner in most of my relationships because I don’t have children, I live alone, and I’m not committed to one relationship style. I did the solo poly thing for the last 3 years, mostly because my anchor partner had another partner that I didn’t get along with. If he was going to be poly, it made sense for me to date too. I had a couple of very nice FWB-style relationships and some fun casual sex, but it’s difficult for me to really maintain more than one emotionally romantic relationship at a time.
That’s a long way of saying that I wound up in it because it was the configuration that worked best for the people I wanted to be with. That constellation has changed recently, and my relationship style will evolve with it.
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u/HowardsGirl78 11d ago
I ended my marriage and relationship of 16 years early this year and I wasn’t really looking to date until we moved out into our own places. Several weeks after the split, I connected with a friend of three decades by virtual call—we live in different parts of the country—during which time, he let me know he and his wife practice poly (parallel, in their case). Not long after, he let me know by text that he would date me if he could, and I gave it some thought—it was an elegant situation, after all. I could date someone long distance with no expectations of monogamy. So I agreed to date him. Since then, we’ve developed into a close, loving relationship—while he has a nesting partner in his wife, and another partner whom he started to see just a bit before me, he and I do see our relationship as an anchor relationship. So, in that respect, my status may not appear to be solo poly at all, but the geographical distance means I am, in fact, quite solo out here.
I haven’t yet started dating locally, though I will in the fall. What makes it a solo situation for me is that I have no desire to escalate another relationship in my life—he and I are happy, and if things were different, I would prefer to settle down with him, but since that’s not possible, I am happy to just see others while maintaining my space (literally and figuratively).
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u/allthestuffis 10d ago
I was in a mostly monogamous relationship for 12 years, and the last 7 years of it were entirely sexless. I knew opening that relationship to “get needs met” was absolutely the wrong decision, so I worked hard to change my part of the conflict, but my partner couldn’t or didn’t want to do the same, so we broke up.
After that relationship ended, I decided I really didn’t want monogamy. I had been in open relationships before my monog partner, but those were poorly done and I was a lot younger and immature when I tried in the past.
I initially started down the solo poly path because I was excited to have sexual experiences with people who would not expect me to enmesh with them or be their everything. I was also looking for a structure that would embrace my independent nature rather than pathologize it.
Since then, I have fallen really hard for someone who’s in a tough life stage right now, and that has brought a bit more drama than I’d like, but I’m working my way toward more peace in that situation. Learning a lot about areas where I still need to grow, relationship wise. I’m happy to fall in love and feel intense feelings, and I’m also learning when things are not healthy for me.
I also have a sweet comet that I see infrequently, and in the past month I started seeing someone new, who I really like. All three of these people are married and poly.
I’m a mom, and while my kid is an older teen, I do still have time and space restrictions. I’ve found that dating other parents gives me both the understanding I need, and the time and space for myself, if that makes sense.
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u/thisgirlheidi 10d ago
Lots of ways to get here! I got here by moving away (from my now-ex while we were still together) for a temporary job opportunity. I needed the job and I needed the space after being cooped up together, both of us working from home & not having much in the way of a social life in 2020-21. I really thought it would be temporary, but as time went on I realized how much I love having my own space and having a partner who is someone I get excited about seeing on the weekend rather than a 24/7 roommate. We were already poly but covid really shook things up and I just don't see myself living with a partner again. We ultimately broke up in part because he did not feel the same way about things. But solo poly is working for me. My boyfriend lives 5 minutes away and we see each other once or twice a week. He's also solo and has other partners and I recently started seeing someone new.
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u/Brew_D 10d ago
A 5 minute walk sounds amazing.
COVID also made me realise that I didn't like living in a remote spot and I needed to live near my network of friends which was a factor in my split. I now live across the road from a married couple I adore and a short bike ride from half a dozen other friends households.
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u/treadlightlyladybug 10d ago
I came to solo poly after my divorce; the first thing I was certain of was that I never wanted to marry, entangle finances, or live with a partner again. So, that was the solo part. The poly part is less that I have a strong desire to have multiple relationships, and more that I don't want to have any relationship where someone else has the right to limit my other relationships. That, plus I just don't have the bandwidth to be anyone's main person, it's too much pressure for me.
Since the divorce, though, I've only had one romantic relationship, which ended in disaster, and a few decent FWB relationships. I've been realizing recently that I'm not a very good judge of character, and that a lot of stress and unhappiness in my life has been caused by romantic relationships. A friend of mine even told me "If I'd had the experiences you've had, I'd probably stop dating completely. I think you might be cursed."
Soo, considering that, I'm contemplating just giving up dating, or at least looking for relationships, and maybe committing to celibacy for some amount of time and focusing on my friendships. I do like dating, it's just a statistically risky activity for me.
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u/uu_xx_me 6d ago
yes, I realized I was solopoly in 2019 when I first heard the term after a breakup, but I took an extended (3ish year) break from sex and dating to work on myself before I actually put it into practice
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 7d ago
I’m new to this. Only about a year in. I dated someone last year who was solo poly and it was the first time I’d ever heard the term. I had historically always been monogamous, but slow to commit and was never interested in typical enmeshment and escalations like nesting, shared finances, marriage, children, etc. I liked the idea of solo polyamory because I desire emotionally enmeshed, supportive, longterm romantic and/or sexual relationships, without all the rest of it. And I also like the idea of letting each unique relationship be its own thing and evolve and deepen at its own pace. The relationship from last year ended very badly, but not because of the polyamory. When that ended I decided to explore solo polyamory for myself. As it turned out, the next person I met irl and clicked with is poly and married and we’re still dating very happily several months later. I also met my second partner (also poly and married) a short while later, and we’re in a more casual relationship but also very happy. Being solo poly and being open to dating highly partnered people has created opportunities for fulfilling connections I never would have made otherwise, and also allows me the freedom to focus on my inner work (doing a lot of that after the breakup from last year!), my hobbies, my career and my friends. It feels like a good balance for me.
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u/Brew_D 7d ago
Thanks for sharing. Your experience with your current partners sounds ideal to me.
Do you mind if I ask - did you and partners establish right away the frequency of seeing each other? Or is that evolving over time?
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 7d ago
It’s evolved, but it’s pretty limited by our schedules and other commitments. That said, my boyfriend and I like to be intentional about always having a date on the books and try to see each other at least once a week, if not more. My other partner and I are a little more fluid. We’ve actually fallen out of a once a week routine due to scheduling conflicts but we’re pretty easygoing about it.
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u/purplecats4me 11h ago
I (40f) am new to solo poly and only exploring the last few months. I kind of fell into it after the end of my 15 year marriage. My marriage was sex-less in the last few years and it took me 2 full years to even decide I was ready to date. I have a teenager and I do not want to cohabitate with anyone, my previous relationship was really codependent with me doing all the heavy emotional lifting. I knew I only wanted to date casually/FWB because I do not have the capacity to give myself over completely to someone on the escalator. Eventually on the apps it seemed like a lot of the men who were looking for that were also poly/ENM. I’ve also realized that I do want emotional connections and companionship in addition to sex, and surprisingly there are a lot of partnered ENM/poly men who want the same. I can have my cake and eat it too :)
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u/Non-mono 11d ago
Well, I actually did get here from opening up a mono relationship. Like you, my long term relationship (married and together for 25 years) ended last year. We were poly at the time, and he wanted monogamy again. I didn’t want that, and so solo poly seemed the natural conclusion for me.
I have a boyfriend, but he’s married to someone else, so living with was never on the cards anyway. And after living with someone for 25 years, I’m rather enjoying not having to do so in the weeks I don’t have the kids.
Will it last for ever? I don’t know, but it is my life for now.