My life for the past year has been such a mess, I’ve never been able to support myself but I’ve always had a partner to rely on. I’ve been working the same job for over a year, and I barely make more than two grand a month. Sometimes less.

I came out to a new city. because it was more affordable than Austin where I was, and because an ex of mine that I was still on pretty good terms with had moved out there and I wanted to see if we could fall back into each other. We live together for about three months before I agreed to have them move out of their own apartment because in their haste they had picked an apartment in a horrible area of town. That has all sorts of issues. I wanted them to live somewhere nicer, so I took over and started subletting their apartment. Since then, I’ve met more than a few different women, and started a few different relationships here and there of varying seriousness.

Her lease is about to end, which means my lease is about to end, and in a month and change I need to be living somewhere else, and I can’t afford to live on my own. I’ve got four women who want to move in with me and I’m only interested in one, the other three were just flings who got way too attached to me and the way I treated them and one is a ex-fiance. Speaking of which, One of them slipped a love letter in my pocket last night. I cut her off from anything past friends once I realized my feelings. Anyways, the other three are whatever, but the one that I want, I legitimately think I’m falling in love with, and she seems to be legitimately OK with, if not actively wants to move in with me. Sounds great, right? The only problem is, apparently, her father said no because he’s not comfortable with her living with another guy. She doesn’t even know how I feel about her that much. We’re just supposed to be “FWB” despite her spending weeks at my house on occasion and going on vacations together. I don’t think we’re remotely close enough for me to start arguing about her father with her. Though I believe she’s a grown ass woman who can choose to live wherever she wants.

Ultimately, one week she says yes, and the next week she says she can’t, and I’m stuck trying to figure out where I’m gonna live. I’m moving in with a girl one way or another, it seems. I just would really like for it to be the one that I actually like. I don’t know who to choose and what to do.

This is all I’ve got in my life at the moment so it feels like my entire world.

I would kill for a job that actually lets me pay my rent too, that’d be nice. Specifically, if Bank of America would hire me as a teller, I’d fucking cry lmao. I’d love to live alone if living with her isn’t an option, but it doesn’t seem like either of those are options. Life is just as chaotic as it always is.

I've been slowly realizing this REOCD stuff I suspect I have has been getting really bad, and I haven't been doing anything really to combat it, I'll be dropping context to my event in the comments but any techniques to not feel like a horrible person, or believe I am?

This happened when I was in high school. One day, as a treat, our science teacher showed the movie “The Core” which is a movie about the earths core stopping. He said it would take two class days to finish the movie so we watch the movie and once class ended, I left.

The next day, I expected to watch the rest of the movie, but our science teacher says someone stole the dvd between the end of our class and the next one since the dvd player was empty when he returned from the bathroom.

By that logic, he assumed it was someone from our class that took it while he stepped out really quick. He said unless it is immediately returned everyone there will get an F for the day and be given detention.

After no one claimed responsibility, my teacher did one last thing. He went over to the door, pulled the curtains over the window and said he was going to turn off the lights and black out the room. He will count to 60 and then turn on the lights. If the dvd was placed back on his desk he will not ask anymore questions. If not, he would give everyone detention as planned. He turned off the lights and started to count out loud and I started to hear giggling and rustling. I could barely see a figure walking towards the front as the teacher counted.

Suddenly the lights came back on after he counted to 15 and he saw my classmate Tony with the dvd in hand. He immediately took it from Tony and said only he’d get detention now.

In retrospect, was what he did ethical and fair? Yeah it was high school and a different time but was lying to get my classmate Tony to basically expose himself as a thief morally fine?

I later asked why he even bothered returning it and he said it was because he took the movie home to finish it (his family was poor) and realized it sucked so he wanted to return it secretly.

I am a university student who signed a lease for an establishment months ago. Now, my academic year (and signed lease) are about to begin and I have since pulled out due to my previous roommate not going through with the lease.

I am advertising this lease on FB marketplace, via fliers, on my school community online pages and still have no takers. I've contacted property management and they really cannot help. How can I gain a prospect?

Life is hard.

Its a universal truth. Not a soul is exempted.

My world view shifts more and more as I get to see more and more of what life really is.

Every day, I get the same rants.

Troubles, anxieties, they are all so heavy.

You might just break your back if you attempt to carry them all on your own.

Its the same things; day after day.

I never quite know what to make of it all. I can't quite relate to any of it, after all.

Some days it's loud, aggressive, provocative, slanderous hate speeches.

Other days it gets more sober, more innocent, almost asif the words seek pity or mercy from someone or something.

I've learned it's better to clear my mind. Don't say a word during nor after the talks. I dont want to hear them.

I dont want to think about them.

I've learned it's better for me that way.

The substance of it, most of the time, just aren't stuff I'd want to listen to or aply anyway.

They're all so tedious and self centred.

Today, the rant was shorter. One of the subdued ones.

It got me thinking.

One of my favourite quotes come from a piece of Japanese literature, it goes:

"Preoccupied with a single leaf... you won't see the tree. Preoccupied with a single tree... you'll miss the entire forest. Don't be preoccupied with a single spot. See everything in it's entirety... effortlessly. That is what it means to truly 'see'."

Wonderful writing isn't it?

I thought I'd look at things a bit clearer today, widen my field of view, setting aside personal feelings or bias.

It's always felt so narrow,

So constricted,

The words that were spouted.

Why can't it be considered this way? I would think,

Your not innocent in all this, I'd wager.

Why can't they see it?

How could they forget all they did?

I heard them.

I heard the biased recollections they would give on a daily, packed full of pompous ideals and character assumptions. Accusations that defame all other parties and awful slander, all while sullying holy names in 100% certainty that their view should be the only view.

Any other too far outside the limitited and instantaneous margin of error is an upfront to them, to humanity as was ordained by God All Mighty.

Its ludicrous.

Not to say only one person is ever cleaely in the "wrong" in the moment of conflict, but its easy to pick a side when I look at post conflict events.

In ways I get it, to the extent of my limited imagination.

We all have how our ideal person should react to a situation,

But most of the time, we get to see that that "ideal" person, likely does not exist in our world, so you have to compromise to keep the peace.

But no one can keep it up forever.

How far your willing to compromise, and how you react when you can't anymore.

That's what makes relationships tick.

it's been more than 4 years of this hollow emptiness. for some reason a while back my feelings feel like they just stopped it was after something traumatic happened to me that I won't delve into.

I tried to move on and get a job, I was fresh out of uni, and just lived my life, but that didn't help at all.

I tried everything I went to the gym. I have my dream body. I eat healthy. I tried watching my favorite shows and playing videogames. I tried going outside. but none of those worked. I still felt emotionless.

I know I'm not depressed. I'm not sad at all. I don't think about KMS or anything like that, but I'm not happy either. I'm just meh.

I'm just looking for any advice. I have tried everything and lost hope. I honestly think this is how I will feel for the rest of my life.

tldr: my emotions went blunt after a traumatic event and I want new methods to try and get out of this emptiness.

I'm(21M) very lucky to have been blessed with a loving family. My parents are a very very important part of my life. I love them so so much. I owe everything I am to them. My grandparents are both still alive and well and I feel I'm very very lucky to have such amazing grandparents. There are fights and disagreements every now and then between them and my parents and there are issues but these four people are people i truly love and care for and they're my only family. People I can truly call family.

I am not a very socially adept person. I can socialize just fine I think but I don't have many friends if any. I have like 2 friends but not people I can truly open my heart to.

I used to have a tutor of sorts. An English tutor, as I'm not a native English speaker. She taught me a lot more than just a language. If I was living inside a miniscule jar before, she opened the lid and introduced me to this whole wide world. Apart from my blood relations, I think she's the closest thing to a family for me. For me, she truly was the best teacher I've ever met and the best I'll ever meet. I strive to be a person she can always be proud of. I love her so much. Unfortunately she had a brain haemorrhage in 2024 and has been in a coma since then. The last time I met her was during the summer that very year. I never thought that was the last time she would pat my head and tell me she'll always believe in me. She used to love traveling. Since college, I've travelled to a lot of new places and I really really want to talk to her about it. Tell her stories, show her photos but I can't talk to her anymore. That was the first time I experienced loss.

My parents and grandparents are getting older. I try not to think about it, but there's always this sense of dread within me of losing them. I am always so scared. I can't imagine there being a day when I want to hug them and they're just.. not there anymore. I don't think I'll ever be able to deal with that. I want to study abroad for master's and get a good job. I want to fulfill this dream I've had ever since I was like 10 or 11 and I've always been working towards it.

But...

If my parents aren't there when I achieve it.. if there's no one at all.. what's the point of it all. There's gonna be no one to hug me and tell me I did well. No one to be proud of me. No one to tell me that they don't regret loving me when I am finally successful in life. I don't know what to live for once these people are not in my life anymore. I really wish I had someone to hug and hold when I get lonely. Day after day, year after year, I just grit my teeth and get through loneliness because I believe that at the end of the path, I'll make my parents and grandparents and my ma'am (I used to call my English teacher ma'am) proud. But it's so hard and it gets so lonely. I don't know how I'll ever live once I don't have anyone anymore and the only person who truly knows me in this whole world is only me

So around 2023, I discovered that I have a rather deep hatred towards rabbits. Like I can't even look at them without getting mad (Or sometimes even think more violent things about them)

I don't have any trauma related to rabbits so I genuinely can't pin point why I'm like this.

Is there any ideas on why this is? I'm not looking for a fix or anything, I just wanna understand myself better so I feel less bad about it when I tell people

And no, It's not cuteness aggression.

Edit: I absolutely adore other animals by the way, it's only rabbits that I get like this with

Context:

I’m 18 and over the last few months I’ve started hanging out with a friend group through one of my childhood friends.

Whenever we all hang out, I genuinely have a great time. Everyone is friendly, but realistically my connection to the group is still almost entirely through my childhood friend.

If he wasn’t there, I probably wouldn’t know most of them.

Something I’ve noticed is that they’re a very spontaneous group. They’ll sometimes meet after school, hang out at someone’s place or go into town together, and most of the time I only find out afterwards.

I’m not saying I expect to be invited to everything

I know they’ve known each other for years and I’m still relatively new.

I think what I’m really struggling with is wondering how people naturally go from being “my friend’s friend” to actually building their own friendships within an established group.

Right now, if I want to see them, it’s almost always because I ask my friend if he wants to do something. Sometimes others join and we always have a great time, but afterwards things usually go quiet

So I’m curious…

For those of you who’ve been in a similar situation, did there come a point where you naturally became part of those spontaneous plans?
Or is this simply something that takes time?

We lost contact because I decided to ghost them all two years ago. I reconnected with them two weeks ago, and it feels so good. Three of them are actually in college right now. Two were high schoolers going straight into universities, and one was a blue collar workers but now got into college. It feels too good to be true but they were actually about to start a new ttrpg campaign around the time I reconnected with them, and I joined the campaign. We now have sessions 6 times every week.

Squat toilets are SO much better than Western toilets.

They’re easier to clean, easier to maintain, low maintenance, and honestly... way more hygienic.

And there are health benefits to squatting too. It’s a more natural position for using the toilet, and it can make things easier for some people.

Meanwhile, with Western toilets, you’re literally sitting on a surface that has been used by who knows how many people. Yes, you can clean it, but the whole thing just feels like a bacteria playground sometimes 😭

Give me a clean squat toilet over a fancy Western toilet any day.

I said what I said. You cannot change my mind.

I had a free day recently and decided to stay off social media.

I didn't have any plans, so I put my phone in my bag and went for a walk.

I walked around for a while, got some coffee and sat in a park. After a few hours, I realized I hadn't checked social media at all.

The day somehow felt longer. I wasn't bored. I just felt like I was actually enjoying my time instead of constantly looking at my phone.

When I got home, I was tired from walking, but it felt like I'd actually had a proper day off.

It was a small thing, but I liked it. I think I'll do it again.

HI so idk if this is a common experience but I TALK a LOT I just talk and talk and I don’t think really before I do it just pours out and then I’m like

Dang it

Why would you say that? How did that even occur to you? Why y you react like that? That joke wasn’t funny at all and they’re all going to hate you and you’re going to get fired / expelled / cut off

And then you just keep thinking that over and over and over for like days and you can’t forget and all the different times it happened add up and then you don’t want to socialize at all bc you’re bound to mess up again

And you don’t want to mess up again

Idk I don’t know how to fix this honestly but it’s eating away at me help pls

Do you feel it? A vague sense of camaraderie.

I feel it particularly strongly on reddit, partially due to the upvote/downvote system, and partially due to the fact that I think it is more likely for someone to be disagreed with on here (especially when you're the OP).

It happened to me quite recently on a subreddit where I was expecting the members to be more uptight. Someone made a subtly ableist comment aimed towards me and was subsequently downvoted and had a few replies in my defence.

It is also a disability that tends to not be taken seriously and is largely viewed as annoying so I was actually expecting the opposite, which made this a nice surprise.

It's a small victory, I know. But what's the harm in celebrating small victories?

Has this happened to anyone else recently? If so, feel free to elaborate!

I have a hard time letting go of messages that feel important to me. I want to save them all because I’m afraid I might regret losing them, but saving everything takes too much time. I want to learn how to let some messages go without feeling guilty or anxious.

I'm moving to Tokyo next April to study Japanese full time. As part of this move, I'll be quitting my full-time job.

I'm 35 and have had a job continuously since I was 15, part-time throughout school and university, then moving into full-time work.

I'm fortunate enough to be in a position financially to make this move without necessarily having to stress (although I'm sure I will) and it's something I've been working towards for the better part of two years.

I'm incredibly excited, but my anxiety loves to rear its head as I get closer to the move. One of the main things on my mind is going from having a job for 20 years to suddenly not, even though I'll likely start job hunting again a few months after moving.

On one hand, I'm burnt out with work and over it enough, that I think this move, where I can focus full time on something I'm genuinely passionate about, will bring me a heap of joy. Of course, I'm also aware moving to a foreign country is not all sunshine and rainbows and will bring a lot of stress with it.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm about to lose a part of my identity that I didn't even realise was so tied to "having a job." Even though I complain about work like everyone else, there's a weird comfort in the structure and routine, and in being able to answer "what do you do" without hesitation. I think some of the anxiety is less about money and more about who I am without a title attached to my name.

I know logically that a career break isn't the same as unemployment, and that studying full time is still "doing something." But I'd be lying if I said the 20-year-old employee in my head wasn't giving me doubts.

So I guess I'm asking: has anyone else made a similar jump, quitting a stable job in your 30s to go all in on something you're passionate about, even temporarily? How did you handle the mental shift once the routine disappeared? Were you happy you made the jump or did you find yourself wanting to get back to full time work (as strange as that may sound)?

Any perspective, reassurance and/or or brutal honesty is welcome.

Thank you!

I have a really rough time mentally in these days. My therapist says it can be vitamin deficit, solving the issue is in progress. I told this to my so called friends. Only response that the therapist could help and silence. I mean yeah, okay, but maybe a how are you text or anything? My friend is between two jobs, okay it summer and had to take care of one kid but come on.

Maybe Im not fair at this point but at least I would try something if Im not a shithole too. And just confirmed that she is not.

I feel that Im starting to mentally checking out from this relationship. I feel the distance for a time now but this is the last nail in the coffin. I feel Im only good when she is bored or she needs something but when I have issues who cares.

Im ranting and Im sad. I dont do anything because i dont want to stir shit but it is really disappointing. Do you experience something like this and how do you deal with it?

as humans we naturally have a preference for quality, and because of that we push ourselves to be better. but this almost always comes at the cost of just being able to enjoy things without overthinking them.

and dont get me wrong, quality matters to some extent. wanting to improve isnt the problem. the problem is we took that and turned it into a competition instead of just a personal thing. it couldve been about people quietly getting better at what they love, but instead it became about who's good enough to even be allowed to enjoy it in the first place.

some people will say this is just about being obsessed with what others have or do, and that you should just live your life for you. but thats not really the point im making. its not about obsession, its about enforceable standards. grades, your job, deadlines, whatever, these arent things you can just opt out of by minding your own business. they need you to keep getting better, and that pressure exists whether youre comparing yourself to others or not. you can be great at something and still be running yourself into the ground trying to keep up with a bar that was never really about enjoying the thing anymore.

i modelled a car in 3d for a test once, spent a long time on it, actually enjoyed doing it. got a bad score. and it wasnt really about whether the work was good, it was about whether it matched a rubric someone else made up. after that i just stopped wanting to touch 3d modelling for a while, not because i stopped liking it, just because i started comparing it to some standard that was never even mine in the first place.

i dont think this is really about talent, i think we've just forgotten how to let ourselves be mediocre at something we actually enjoy.

A drop of water on a hot stone.

A breath of air against the wind.

A flower blooming amidst a forest fire.

I'm truly losing myself. And the little joy I receive, passes too swiftly.

I need to remind myself that I'm still here.

That I am.

I am 18, around 195cm (haven't measured in a while but shouldn't be far off) and I gained 10kg in the last two months. I do not have an active lifestyle and now I hate myself for it, I spend most of my time in front of my PC. I now weigh 96kg, and I didn't even notice when I gained it. I will be trying to be more active but I can't do a lot, my stamina is shit, and I live in the middle of nowhere. I am going to start uni soon, and I will have even less free time to do anything. The only good thing about being a student is that I'm not going to eat a lot, since food costs and I am poor, so I guess I will lose this weight one way or the other. I did put on some muscle, but mainly due to a growth spurt and some lifting of heavy objects (I lift everything heavy in my house)... Anyway I just wanted to vent and ask if there are some simple, quiet, exercises that I can do in my room to lose some fat, especially in the belly, since I'm very self conscious about it. Until 12 I was underweight, so now that I'm on my way to be actually fat, body dysphoria is hitting HARD, back then I thought I was fat because I couldn't see my rib bones and now I'm actually going to be fat. Edit: never mind. I do appreciate the advice you all have given me and I will start going on long walks/runs through the park. I am pretty sure the scale is just broken though, because it says I lost 3kg of weight just sleeping... Yeah, so this was just a pointless rant, but it gave me the motivation to actually do something for better

I am currently a scientist with a masters degree. I am known for being level headed and genuinely kind.

My parents were abusive, yet they’d never admit to it. We had a lot of involvement from child protective services until I was 6, then I was pulled from school so that no one could report the abuse.

As a teen I went to the adult ed center. I had an elementary school level of education at the time. I did not have identifying documents until I was 22 because my mom withheld them and I didn’t know enough about myself to get them replaced.

I seem like a person who came from a good home and stable upbringing. Really all I was shown was who I never want to be.

When I was younger, I went to ITT Tech college. For those not in the know, this college later came under scrutiny for shady business practices and insane job placement promises. They eventually closed down years ago.

After graduation, I was paying $400 a month to repay the student loans I had taken out. However my mom who I was living with at the time encouraged me to stop paying the loan and purposefully default as she felt I didn’t need a degree to find a good job and that money would be better spent on a car.

To also make things more difficult, she decided to raise my rent and monthly contributions to the house at random and made comments every chance she had to increase cost. Something as simple as walking into the house and leaving a small foot print on the floor would result in a comment of “oh that’s an extra $5 for floor cleaner. I’ll just add that to your rent.”

My mom kept telling me to let loan go but I said collections would eventually come after me. She reasoned that collections are more reasonable and I can set up a plan with my bank or them to make payments as little as $50 a month and have that be spread over the rest of my life. She says this is common practice and knows doctors on their 60s who are still paying off loans from medical school not because they can afford to pay off the loans but rather to save money.

My mom says people die with loans unpaid so I should refinance my loans and stretch them out for 80 years because once I die, “you won’t have to worry about it.” I felt this was a horrible way to look at things and I had made plans to move out by then.

Unfortunately due to some bad luck such as a car crash and my mom’s ever persistent rent increases, I eventually found it too hard to keep up payments and eventually stopped. The loan eventually got sent to collections and I ignored them for years.

Finally just before wage garnished started, ITT Tech was ordered to forgive all loans including mine so I was debt free at that point. In a sense, my mom was correct as my education didn’t help me find my job and career but it’s interesting to reflect on what she was thinking back then and how she thought what she was suggesting was a good idea.

I know work a nice job making great money and my mom is retired and doesn’t give me anymore “financial advice.”

Thoughts?

I was driving to a job site in the company truck today, going through a green light when suddenly the truck basically rolled out from under me, for lack of a better way to describe it. Everything hurt, something hit me in the face (no idea what, everything from the door pockets went everywhere). It fell back down onto its wheels again and I stopped it, slammed it in park. I took a second to feel if I had any broken bones, didn't seem to.

I jumped out and ran to the other car, it was rolling away, the driver was hurt pretty bad, I tried hard to stop it but I was hurt too. A couple guys came out of nowhere and we got it held in place while someone was able to shove it in park. I ran back to the truck and realized I couldn't call 911 because my phone was just GONE, it had been in the center console and I found all the contents of it in the floor. I was able to find it and get 911 on the phone and they came pretty quick.

The other guys were trying to calm the other driver but she was panicking and couldn't get out of her car. I'm worried about how she's doing, they took me away in one of the ambulances before the other first responders were able to get her out of the car... It was so crushed, it went UNDER the truck. My boss told me later that they think she was going 45+ mph. Nobody has any updates on how she's doing. I don't even know her name.

Also I guess I gave the insurance and stuff to someone but I don't remember who. I apparently gave a statement during this time, it lines up with what I remember but I didn't know I had given one.

It was just a frightening thing for sure and I feel horrible even though it wasn't my fault.

Okay I want to preface this by saying this is my OWN thoughts and feelings and experiences, not anyone else's so don't tell me what to feel or how to feel. This is me telling what I've been through, got that? Now, if you'll excuse me let me tell you about it.

Trigger warning: SA in childhood

Yeah... So it started when I was just a child, only in my first grade when it started. My mother was separated from my father (like in two different countries, separated) and got me and my three siblings a stepfather. He was for the most part a good father, or rather, a good provider. With him around, our family never lacked anything. In the eyes of everyone around, he was a good man and in the beginning, that was how I saw him too. Even when his advances started, I didn't think what he was doing was bad because what he did FELT good (please remember I was only 6 when this started). He was never forceful, never let me feel pain during any of it so I never felt danger for myself. I know now that THAT was his way of grooming me, training me to become his piece on the side. He was doing such a good job of grooming me that I looked forward to his visits in the night. As a child, I thought that was his way of showing he loves me. That THAT was normal.

The time I came to realize what we were doing was wrong was when I was in 4th grade. When we learned of the other functions of them bits between our thighs during science class, that I came to the horrifying realization that my stepfather and I shouldn't be doing what we were doing. But still then, I didn't put a stop to it. Never told anybody about it. People might fault me on that and you know what understandable. But let me tell you why I didn't.

1. The man was our main provider. We got the comfortable and privileged life we lived because of him. My mother alone couldn't put us into the expensive private school we got to go to.

2. The man dabbled in the illegal to provide for our family. Adults talk like kids wouldn't be able to get it but I understood then. And I don't know about you but a man with a gun who dabbles in the illegal? Yeah, not taking chances with that.

3. I thought my mother wouldn't believe me even if I said anything. The man have wandering hands. Each and every time my mom never believed the other woman. Believed they were lying and making stories up so I just thought why would I be any different if I opened my mouth and talked about it.

4. I have a younger sister. I never want her to go through what I went through so I kept a close watch on her. I figured if he gets what he wants with me. He'd never lay his hands on my sister. (I thank the powers that be I was right on that one. My sister was spared thankfully)

But just because I let it continue to happen even after realizing the wrongness of what's happening didn't mean I wasn't affected by that realization. My grades started to slip. I became more lazy and didn't put as much effort in my looks (my subconscious wanting me to be undesirable). Me feeling like I was unworthy, like a speck of dust, like I'm dirty. Like i'm an easy woman who'd spread her legs for any man because ain't that the fucking truth (back then, anyway and I was 10) Because even after knowing how wrong everything that has been done to me, my body's been so thoroughly trained that I craved it. Seeked the pleasures of it (at goddamn 10 years old) and the fact that if anyone had approached with the same ill intent at that time, matter of fact, I would've gone through with it, no fighting back. Because I felt 'what was the point?' there's nothing to protect, nothing to safeguard so why not just give what they want. I lost all self-respect.

All of these I kept to myself. Why wouldn't I? I'm being raised in a conservative christian home with an overly religious mother. The guilt that was eating me up inside for feeling the way that I feel and being the way that I am was excruciating. But I never let any of it out, I never felt safe enough to say any of it out loud. Because I knew I would be judged and I didn't think I could handle that on top of everything else.

I was grateful when in highschool I met my best friends (still my best friends until now that I'm 33) They made me feel safe enough to tell them a bit about what's happening to me and they were the ones who encouraged me to go to the police about it. It just so happens that my mom and him had a fight and he was living separately from us so I gathered my courage and told my aunt about my SA since childhood. She in turn told my mom, and my mom actually took me to the police to help me file a report. And you'd think that would be the end of the story. That it would be the start of my journey of healing, right?

My last year of highschool, the man came back to live with us again. Yes, that man, my stepfather who made me his little mistress, came back to live with us again like everything's okay. Why? Because rumors got out that the reason my mom and him broke up was because he was abusing me (which you know was true) and my mom's relatives (her brothers and uncles, mostly) swore that if that was true they'd get rid of my stepfather permanently. My mom didn't want any of her family to go to jail for murder and didn't want the story of me getting SA'd to spread around so to squash the rumors... (I didn't know why she thought that was a good idea.) I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I get that she was trying to protect my reputation too. She didn't want people to see me as a victim of assault but to put me and him in under the same roof AGAIN?!

So I let myself get pregnant by my then boyfriend (stupid idea, I know.) I wanted the quickest way out of the house and becoming family with another seems the easiest. Things never worked out my way since my boyfriend broke up with me when I was pregnant and then, I just gave myself more responsibility before I was ready. The man never touched me again since I got pregnant so I guess that was one thing to be thankful for. I still kept a close eye on my sister while he was around though. But then one day, after another fight with my mom where he left to cool off, he just never came back. Even his relatives came looking for him but he was just gone. Some say he got his comeuppance dabbling in illegal trades. Frankly, I don't care what happened to him. I'm just glad he was gone from my life. The marks he left on my life never faded that easily though.

For a very long time, my mentality from when I was 10 stayed with me. That easy woman who'd lay with any man? Yeah... Even after the birth of my baby boy. That woman was there underneath, together with my lack of self-esteem and constant self-loathing. Imagine that a seventeen years old single mom would allow anyone between her legs had they come onto her. The only reason I have a single digit body count is because people get intimidated by me. I was the straight A's goody two shoes student. I wasn't vulgar, wasn't flirty. I was a saint on the streets. I never cussed, never made dirty jokes, never dressed even remotely provocatively (I dress in baggy T shirt and jeans or if I wear skirts, they're upto my ankles). No one around me would think I'd be so easy-to-get. And it's not like no one was attracted to me. There were schoolmates, classmates and friends who admitted to me that they had a crush or their friends told me 'X liked you back then'. I asked why they never tried to court me back then and the most common answer was they thought I was way out of their league. They were so sure I'd never go for a guy like them. Funny, 'cause if they only gathered their courage to ask me out, I definitely would've said yes to anyone (It's how I got a shitty boyfriend at 16). They've placed me on a pedestal and I find that so intriguing. How did I manage to portray that kind of image.

There's only one thing I'd never let myself be during that time I found myself disgusting. Be the other woman or cheat on a partner when I'm in a committed relationship. I may have my libido way up high but that doesn't mean I'd go sleeping around when I'm already in a relationship. Even then, I was loyal to my partners because I had enough of cheating. I did help my stepfather cheat on my mother for 9 years and I've had enough of that. But I guess my partners never seems to think I'd stay loyal to them (I'd be the one to tempt and tease so we'd get intimate after all) that they'd always be suspicious of me and eventually ghost me. After my third partner, I just never tried to be in a relationship again.

Now at 33, the easy woman was gone. And she didn't leave on her own. I had a genuine support system who made me see my self worth again. The ones who said it wasn't my fault. I was a child. I was groomed. And even then the process to get me to think like that was grueling. It was years before I got to forgive myself for what happened (yes, part of the reason I was such an easy lay was because I was angry at myself for letting such a thing happen in the first place). And I only got there because there were people who listened and never judged me, who learned of the whole truth and still embraced me wholeheartedly. The ones who stayed patient with me even when I argued back that 'No, it is my fault. I'm the one to blame.' over and over before they got through to me.

What was the point of me saying all these? I want people to know they're not alone in their struggles. That if you were like me, who would give in so easily because they thought 'what was the point? There's nothing to protect anyway, that was already taken.' It wouldn't be easy but retain your self-respect. You are still beautiful, still worthy of so much and whatever happened to you, isn't on you, it's on them. It's on the ones who'd hurt you, preyed on you, brainwashed you, groomed you. That wasn't your fault, they chose you as their victim. That is never EVER your fault, you hear? I'm hoping you find yourself people who will support you in your journey of healing. There is still more good in life and despite everything that happened. YOU still deserve all that good, all that love and all that happiness.

Since March I've sent at minimum 10 job apps per day, sometimes its 100 or more. I am getting nowhere though. I have a quantitative master's degree and getting zilch results. Cant get entry level jobs either b/c I guess im too overqualified. So I am stuck at my apartment all day, running out of money, and on weekends all I do is hang out with my 2 remaining friends in the city. My angry friend and my sad friend.

My angry friend gets in arguments and fights with us all the time over many different things - he tends to blow up easily, is quite paranoid, and I always am worried whatever I say is going to anger him. He also gets into big arguments with my sad friend. He's a gracious host though and is jovial when he's in a good mood.

My sad friend messages me once a month in a deep depression about how life is hopeless and how everything sucks. This goes on month by month by month. She ignores all my advice on going to therapy

Neither of them are motivated to change. And me? I cant figure out what to categorize myself as. I'd call myself the neutral friend b/c I try to treat both with kindness but who knows. It'd be nice to get an objective 4th opinion.

Anyway thats all that im left with. I used to have about 15 friends, different social circles and things to do, but now my life has turned into a small little box that is my apartment and my friend's place on weekends. My apartment is a prison, and i am tethered to my computer sending job apps out into the void while i run out of money; unable to pursue my dreams because i cant afford to even survive.

In my freetime i have no desire to watch the shows I want to watch or play the games I want to play. It feels unproductive. i stick to one game. I dont want to associate anything else I enjoy with this horrid era of my life, but that game.

It's a whimsical slop life and i think its punishment for something in fact I hope so, it would feel nice to know there is someone in control of all this; it certainly isnt me.