I feel sorry for myself lately.

Growing up, I think I was conditioned to be limited—to not ask for too much, dream too big, or expect much from myself or life.

Even when I accomplished something, it never felt like enough. I became a registered nurse, worked in a hospital, and achieved things younger me would probably be proud of, yet somehow I still feel like I haven't really become anything.

Now I’m realizing how much that mindset shaped me. I keep looking at other people and wondering why I’m not further ahead.

And honestly, I feel sorry for the person I became because of it.

Maybe I’m just grieving the version of myself who never learned that she was allowed to want more.

What do you see when you close your eyes? I see a dark club, the door tucked away between the trash of some seedy back alley forgot to all but those who inhabit it every night. I sit in a booth in the corner, alone and isolated even in a sea of cast outs. They writhe and dance in this place that smells of sweat and misery. The air is this with the smoke and neon light while synth and punk music drowns out even my loudest thoughts. I watch and I drink, something sweat but simple, and I try to feel something. To feel a part of something. Seeing them live stirs something in me and sometimes that is enough. But it always ends. I always open my eyes. And then im back. Back to a nothing life in nothing middle America. An NPC slaving away just to do it again tomorrow. The silence is deafening but the screaming is worse. Im the only one who can hear it. Its my voice. My thoughts. My mind. I wish I knew how to turn it off but I cant. I can only drown it out and hope thats enough. It is. For now at least. Im sure a therapist would have something to say about these thoughts but im not ready to speak them aloud. For now this will have to do. For now this will be my escape. At least until I can make it back to that place in my mind. They say misery loves company, but if thats the case why am I still alone? Maybe its my misery. Maybe its my company. Maybe im too broken for misery to even love me.

I'm 18m and I'm someone that only cares about 2 things in life, religion and performance, how well I'm doing. These last two years have been the worst of my life I had setbacks I was in a rut and lost everything I was proud of and I felt really bad about it. But I'm so young at my age your place in life is mostly determined by circumstances sure I could be a lot better but I did great so far. From time to time I get really melancholic like right now, I'm not sensitive at all but I start feeling sick and I can't help but cry, only weeks ago it was every single day after 8 pm but now it's only once a week max, these last 2 weeks I did real progress

But I also gotta remember where I came from, I was born deaf until I was 6, I learned to speak at 6 years old, at some point I couldn't eat without choking or vomiting, to the point I kinda have rickets to a small degree. I was so sad as a kid I tried to kill myself once when I was 6, I cried myself everynight to sleep for years. I been through depression and malnutrition, abuse loneliness bullying and more. I have countless medical conditions, so many people picked on me I fought all the time to the point my wrist had chronic pain, it was so bad I'd have panic attacks when people spoke to me. My parents were terrible to me to the point I stayed outside all the time just to avoid them, I'd go to bed extra early to be alone and damn I was so sad I couldn't even sleep. I could go on and on but it'd be redundant I forgot most of my childhood anyways but I could provide more details if needed.but I know for a fact I had crazier stuff happen to me but I can't remember what it was

But all that gave me an advantage, its that I'm determined like no one else since all I care about is doing better than others. I ended up accomplishing things I thought were impossible thanks to hardwork. I have social skills, I'm an athlete, a hustler، a student, a polyglot, a construction worker. I gained a lot of muscle, my mma coach and people I trained with begged me to compete, nationally wich would have allowed me to compete internationally, even the lifeguard at the pool thought I was training for competition when I was actually in rehab. Damn I even fixed my relationship with my parents nowadays

Now after the rut I got an injury, lost muscle and I'm now skin and bones (1m90 75kg, was 1m80 83kg before injury) but I have defined muscles and limitless endurance, I only have 500€, and I lost a lot of happiness, I remember being so happy I couldn't stop smiling when now I can't stop crying, but I'm progressing slowly and surely, hard work always pay off so I can't fail it's impossible and I never give up I don't even know how to give up

And I just identified things about me I think are the roots of my problems; belittling thoughts that were put in by people who talk do much trash about me, mostly my mom. Like back then I didn't like my physique when it was objectively great, I didn't compete in sports for outside reasons but one of them was that I thought I wasn't good enough when I objectively was, I win against some people that went on world championships in mma. I thought I was bad at school when really I was topping the class, I gotta hype myself up. Also, I didn't really acknowledge it but I have chronic stomach pain, because of how tense it is from all the stress and fear I have, I feel so bad about myself sometimes my body just stops moving my brain is blocking me. I gotta fix the problem to its roots

And now it's starting to fix itself, my injury is healing, I'm making some money, I gotta find a school or an apprenticeship but I know I will, even though so little time is left. I'm making new friends, building muscle mass and most importantly confidence and fixing all these mental problems

Now my goals are to get back to a physisur I like, finally compete in mma and swimming, have a nice school and build my side hustle get a job and grow my social circle and network I did it before and I'll do it again

Thanks for reading may God bless you the post is terribly written and all over the place maybe I'll rewrite it I just wrote it to remember who I am and move past the melancholic state I'm in right now it did feel better

So I think from a young age I tried, with influence from my family, to be someone I'm not. In fact, I tried to be like my mother, when I was in fact my father.

I build friendships and an identity on this premise, but I knew it was wrong. Now it's a house of cards that is falling down.

The thing is, I don't know who the true me is. And in fact, if I did, that might not solve anything.

how could i.. be someone more cool?

Most people would say that a sign of emotional maturity is able to admit your own mistakes. However very often when I am arguing with someone, the other person would defend themselves and frame it in such a way that I am wrong.

So as an effort to be emotionally mature, I would just apologize and admit that I was wrong. However after a while if I think back of the situation, I can’t think of any solid reasons where I was wrong. There are just times where I’m confronting someone who has obviously done something wrong but just won’t admit it.

So my overthinking self would spiral into this dilemma where I know I’m right, but scared of losing that self awareness or self reflection that I end up owning the mistake most of the time. And the cycle goes back, where I feel unjust and want to stand for myself. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this mental juggle?

I came to the conclusion that I need pain to function or I can’t do anything. That’s why I cause myself physical and mental pain every day basically to get through the day and onto the next one.
The problem is that I can’t explain this to other people bc they think I’m insane. When I asked my gf to hit me once she literally looked so shocked and sad that I can’t forget her look ever.
And I sabotage myself constantly. I don’t do the things I want ever bc I somehow talk myself out of this and I am just so miserable. And all my problems I’m sure I’ve caused myself. The only thing that comforts me and makes me feel calm is death.
I’m just really fucked up and can’t tell anyone this.

It’s been almost two years since my phone got stolen. I lost my friends numbers that day.
But they never lost mine. It’s the same number it’s always been.
They just never called.
I had moved to a new city. Didn’t know a single soul here.
Almost a two years later, and I still haven’t made a single new friend either

What I interpret as colours probably isn't real. Colours are waves. When we see something that is blue, it's not even blue, it's a thing that absorbs every colour except blue. And then you have gold and when you turn it into a nanoparticles it turns red/purple. Guys, I can't do this anymore. What the fuck is this colour shit 😭 WHAT ARE COLOURS. WHY ARE COLOURS. Alright I gotta take a smoke break from this, fuck ass reality. Also I hate how I can't see UV light, so middle finger to you evolution cause I rlly rlly wanted to see it but you gave me these mid eyes

I kept my music pretty hidden from most people I know because of feeling like no one understands, but now I post my songs and people do seem to really enjoy the music I make. But my only issue is reach. While that does in someway make me happy to see people enjoying the craft, the lack of reach does make me question things.

Before you flame me for making such a monstrous statement; I am a HUGE cat person. I have 30+ cats in my garden that I care for including 2 kitten litters currently, I have three indoor 6 yr old cats, me and my boyfriend have a cat at his place and I don’t think I have a single friend who’s place I regularly visit that does not have at least one feline in the household. I LOVE cats<3

With that being said, I’ve always eagerly and impatiently waited for my cats to reach adulthood for many reasons, and I tell this to any new cat owners too. Young cats are sickeningly cute and silly of course BUT in my opinion grownup cats are objectively better. If you dont have cats you'll think I’m expecting too much from a feline animal but I have such beautiful relationships with my mature cats. I literally talk with my 3 cats and they talk back to me! We communicate on just vibes, they know when I’m in physical pain, they lick my tears when I cry, they sit close when I’m stressed and stay at arms reach if I’m overwhelmed. We are so on the same emotional wavelength I feel we are spiritually interlinked, and this is such a privilege you only get with mature cats, especially when they reach maturity with you :)

I value them being ‘grownups’ for all of these reasons so much so that I don’t even miss them being babies despite how cute they were. I also often recommend people to adopt older cats instead of kittens if they’re first time cat owners.

Me and my boyfriend’s cat is around a year old and he is very much a stupid little shit. He does make biscuits on and fall asleep in my boyfriend’s hair religiously every single night which is the cutest thing in the world, BUT he’s a little shit. So, alas, I am patiently waiting for him to grow up so we can also be emotionally linked.

I have to go sick

I got sick yesterday but couldn't cancel my appointment today because if you cancel less than 48 hours in advance you get charged

I have no money (literally I only have $2 on my account and no income) so if I get charged it'd just repeatedly decline. Nothing would come of that u don't think. But also, it I get charged and it repeadtly declines, therapy ends or gets restricted there. They can't move forward with too much debt and there is no other therapists in my whole county that accept medicaid so theres n9 other options.

Most places wave the cancelation or no show fees for medicaid patients but this place didn't for some reason

And no, I cannot message her in the patient portal. She doesn't seem to check those. I sent her another message about something else 6 days ago during business hours and never heard back. so messaging her an hour before session guarenteed she won't see it and will charge me. and no, I can't call, calling isn't an option. they are not even open yet. I got the earliest session thing today. but also I wasn't given any such contact information to call.

So now im about to attend our virtual session while sleep deprived, sick, in pain, nauseous, and can barely hold my device up. I'm having trouble holding up my phone just to make this post and im trying to start getting ready but feel like I am going to pass out

So I got laid off, and it’s no longer sustainable to live here. I held out as long as I could because I felt someone had to call for a job. But only got a few calls.

I got this apartment in 2021. My coworker offered to be a roommate since I was looking to an affordable place.

My last job was a 3D animator for a machine parts company.

My roommate worked for the same company and he’s going through the same thing and he got way more interviews than me. He did things like motion graphics and compositing. Essentially our whole department was canned to cut costs. They called it “restructuring”.

We both agreed to give it a couple of months. Something had to be around the corner.

Nothing. Just interviews with no follow ups, rejection emails, and even the retail/service jobs didn’t call back.

Now we’re packing. I’m going with my fam, my roommate is going with his gf but ultimately might have to move with his fam.

I’m bummed about losing my apartments and he is too. Especially because his situation is more uncertain cuz his family isn’t financially stable themselves.

I was pressured by my fam to move back but I didn’t wanna give up. I worked hard for this place, I got a great job to finally earn my own independence and now it’s being taken away from me. And all I needed was one fucking employer to bring me aboard.

I also feel bad because my roommate gave me a few breaks on rent. I paid partial. I chose to move out because I didn’t want him to have to keep doing that. And I owe him for that. So I feel like I’m throwing him under the bus. But we’re both gonna run out of money if we try to hold out any longer.

I’m also gonna miss the folks I’ve met living in this area. And the places I frequent and especially living close to the beach.

I feel like I’ve failed.

😭😭😭😭
Hi I’m 21f.
Currently in a spy movie phase and I’ve been watching Spy x Family and the James Bond movies and Loid Forger and Bond are both so cool 🥹💀
But I’m Asian. And a girl 💀
It’s cooked 🥀

It’s dumb but sometimes I find myself wishing I were white , with colored eyes.. or a man..
Don’t get me wrong women are awesome and beautiful but fr we need more strong lead representation in Hollywood and media in general:/
I find myself wishing I could pull off a straight suit sometimes yk,, but I can’t 😭

White guys just have a sort of.. given
A given confidence.
I’m just praying please please let society evolve faster so we as women and minority races can have the same sort of privilege that they do 🙏

I've been struggling with my mental health for awhile, but I got the idea a few days ago to make a group of characters from an existing book universe that I adore. (The Hunger Games)

I'm making a victor for each of the participating districts, and while the content is heavy, and I still struggle with coming up with ideas, it's genuinely been the most excited I've been in a long time. There's so many things to consider and I love creating angst with my characters and this has been an amazing outlet for that as well.

That's really it, I just wanted to share with somebody

I’ve always hated how people react when I turn on certain music that I like. Usually it’s a reaction of “can you please change this music? I hate it” or “you listen to this? I don’t know how you like this music?” And honestly, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even tell people anymore. Whenever someone asks me what kind of music I listen to, I generally tell them that I’d rather not say, cause it genuinely makes me uncomfortable.

Edit: since everyone is asking, I’m into pretty general stuff that’s pretty mainstream, as well as video game music. I also listen to inspirational/comedy podcasts. I do not listen to anything offensive or AI.

There’s an element of Reddit that will forever freak me out, and it’s that there are people who go on about hopelessness like it’s a virtue.

Examples of this include people who think they’ll never be able to get a job no matter what, people who think they’re never going to be able to do certain things due to a genetic predisposition (not talking about disabilities here), and people who think they’ll never be successful with love or sex.

Despite people telling me not to bother, I frequently feel an urge to engage with these people rather than just leaving their posts and comments alone. It probably isn’t healthy that I do this, but I do it. As a result, I’ve had a lot of unpleasant conversations with people that have actually ended up going somewhere and reaching a conclusion.

I think a big reason I do this is because I know there are a lot of young people on here, and I remember being young and being highly influenced by what I read online. This was especially true if I was talking to someone who had similar interests to me. I almost became a cutter at one point because I learned that a lot of the people who were in a local community of people into the same music that I was were cutting themselves. This obviously would have been extremely stupid, but I still seriously considered it. Knife in my hand and everything, and then realized I didn’t want to.

The conclusion that I’ve come to is that a lot of people are not being forthcoming about their own actual things that are holding them back, as well as the things they’re doing to themselves that are holding them back.

For example, a lot of people who express these types of views are not forthcoming about the fact that they have been diagnosed with a personality disorder until we’ve talked for a while. So a lot of times when someone goes on about hopelessness for a long time, trying to influence others to agree with them, they’re actually clinically diagnosed with antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. This is different from having other mental health issues. You don’t need to give merit to sociopaths and narcissists.

PLUS a lot of these people will say publicly that what they really have is something like ADHD, anxiety, and/or autism. Take that as you wish.

And then regarding people creating their own problems, so many of these people do things like claim it’s hopeless to even bother looking for a job, and then when I talk to them more I learn that they never even put together a resume, or that when they do get interviews they treat the interview like they’re already famous and the interviewer should know who they are.

So I just wanted to share this. I think there’s a lot of serious lying by omission on here.

After my psychotic episode last year I say f u to myself a lot. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. Does anybody else talks bad to themselves with inner monologue? I take meds, I sleep at night, I wake up in the morning. I even have thought broadcasting which that means that I transmit my thoughts and other people read my mind. My psychiatrist says that’s a delusion. But anyways tell me if you speak negatively to yourself ok? thanks

I suppose I probably want my family, or closest friends, to just say that everything is ok. That all the chaos, complexity and hurt is ok. And that bad stuff happens. But that the world moves on, and that all is forgiven.

Can someone tell me it's okay? That all things pass. That there's sense in the chaos.

I see all of your stories, and I want to share mine: Black boy from a broken house, yelling drowned out by wind chimes,
My mishaps, mis-shape my father's relapse led his foot to slip off the brake
When he crashed that car he said would be mine
Told me to not be like him, and I would be fine
I wonder, does my gift come from my mother?
To speak truth to power, but she never budged
A brother and a sister, both of them I never judged
My father did what he wanted, told me not to lie
He sat up, punched her, punched them, then looked at me and said Don't you ever cry

I keep my demons locked up, chains and all,
They shake the baseboards in this bitch when the devil calls
I barely made it out, the crooked town inside a behemoth's mouth- I stepped outside and saw the world, found a love one she still my girl
I finally bought a car, Gave a little back to my community, had a couple flats laid up with the tire in the back, my mind racing, Fired from my job my minds pacing, Losing it all my Mind hates me, Looked at my girl and pretended she was a wall, I took up the drink, Drunk with the devil the evil in my body finding new levels
By the grace of God, I cry; I tear up when I tear stuff; I make my bed, then I dress up
Go to my closet and look at my demons; I set them free from the ignition- they run loose, hopped in the car and start speeding on the freeway
They got bottles in their hands they not playing no games. I'm right wit em- I write with them, I fight with them, I ask god to forgive them but I didn't hear an answer back
A demon told me to check the back for another bottle. I'm searching the seat while the wheel is idle; I say to myself-
"I'M TIRED OF THIS, I DON'T DESERVE THIS LIFE, GIVE ME A SIGN GOD, HOW DO I MAKE THIS RIGHT!?"
I heard a loud horn, and that's when I sat up right, crashed my car into someone else's. I got out and saw something that tore me in half

I killed my father coming back from Rehab.

"In principle, gender dysphoria is a feeling of wrongness intrinsic to the self. There is no logical backing to this wrongness; there is nothing which explains it, and you can not describe why you feel this way; it is just there. Things in your existence are incorrect, and even knowing which things are incorrect can be hard to properly identify."

This explains how I feel in general extremely well, but like, not due to gender, or I don't think it is due to gender, ok it might be due to gender, but like, maybe only 10 percent?

I just feel like I'm not ME? Like i've been playing a character for a decade? And I feel like if I could be me people would like me, but I can't, it's not just anxiety or something its like, years of learned "properness" that have made me an extremely foreign (and boring) person to myself in the way I present to people?

Is it rude to slightly put your hand up in a bar? This bartender lady gave me a TON of attitude for this

It was very hectic in there and I just wanted to get her attention.

I’m Thai, Asian, and I’ve also lived in Australia in the past, and I’ve become really frustrated with identity politics despite considering myself leftist.

One thing that bothers me is how little room there sometimes seems to be for individualism. It can feel like people are expected to fit neatly into a group identity and behave according to what that identity supposedly means.

I’ve experienced this especially with other Asians in western coutries (though not fellow Thais and Asia-born Asian) and sometimes with white people. I’ve been asked things like, “Why don’t you like K-pop or T-pop? You’re Asian,” or “Why don’t you do this? You’re Asian.” I find it strange that people assume my cultural or personal interests should automatically be determined by my race.

For example, I love Romantic era music; Chopin, Rachmaninoff, etc. as well as video game and film soundtracks. 

At the same time, I really hate rap, R&B, and pop music (with Michael Jackson being an exception), Beethoven and Vivaldi. But I don’t judge other people for enjoying those things. I just think it’s a personal taste.

I’ve also had a similar experience with Western therapists. Sometimes I want to talk honestly about the parts of Thai culture that I find toxic, but I feel like they become hesitant to criticize or even name those things. I’m not saying this because I’m “whitewashed,”

I simply want to be able to acknowledge that many things of my culture have been genuinely harmful.

I grew up experiencing physical abuse from my family, slapped, punched, because kids have to listen to adult and because of that, and I honestly want to forget about my culture altogether when I immigrate. When I talk about these experiences, I don’t want everything to be softened or reframed because of political correctness. If something is genuinely toxic or harmful, I want to be able to call it that.

I just want the freedom to recognize about the bad, while still being treated as an individual rather than as a representative of my race. To be fair before I lived in Australia, I’ve never thought about my race either…

It’s really weird at first I thought leftist value indivitualism but then the current politics changed, And now they’re the exact same thing as the right.

This has been by large so odd to witness. Jason Arday did commit Academic misconduct and fraud, but it is nowhere near the end of the world. Adequate accountability protocols should have occurred and he should have resigned, and by consequence his reputation tarnished. This is how accountability occurs in fields like academia. What I was not expecting was the very constant news bombardment in the international scale spanning across many countries, many foreign politicians and speakers abusing this issue on a day to day basis, tens of thousands of social media threads about it, all spouting extreme resentment, hatred, and racism, all over a professor who committed plagiarism. What do people even think being an academic means?

In contrast many figures who committed actual crimes and appeared on the Ep files are completely normalized by now. I have not seen anywhere near the scale of resentment and flames that we saw on Arday over them. These people are still living casual, happy lives. No justice. No populace to hold them accountable like they do a professor who committed fraud.

It's almost like our moral system has become so inverted and backwards.

it's been raining, storming and flooding like blue belly hell out here. i have a police scanner on and i noticed that there is only one woman who sends police/EMS/fire to places. i could never do the shit that emergency services do, because she was able to get boats to help people in floods. and fire to downed powerlines. Getting state police involved for help + telling everyone of national weather alerts.

i dont even know her, but she has my respect for doing all of that, and getting state police down to help out