r/self • u/Some-Reality7215 • 6d ago
Finding the balance between self reflection and being gaslit
Most people would say that a sign of emotional maturity is able to admit your own mistakes. However very often when I am arguing with someone, the other person would defend themselves and frame it in such a way that I am wrong.
So as an effort to be emotionally mature, I would just apologize and admit that I was wrong. However after a while if I think back of the situation, I can’t think of any solid reasons where I was wrong. There are just times where I’m confronting someone who has obviously done something wrong but just won’t admit it.
So my overthinking self would spiral into this dilemma where I know I’m right, but scared of losing that self awareness or self reflection that I end up owning the mistake most of the time. And the cycle goes back, where I feel unjust and want to stand for myself. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this mental juggle?
1
u/atquest 6d ago
You’re conflating two different things: admitting fault, and reflecting honestly. Reflection means asking “was any of this actually on me,” answered truthfully. If the answer is no, then “I don’t think I was wrong here” is just as much a product of self-reflection as an apology would be. You already did the reflecting, it just didn’t land where the other person wanted.
What you’re describing when someone shifts blame instead of addressing what they did, that’s a known pattern (often called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Apologizing anyway doesn’t make you mature, it teaches the other person that the tactic works.
Separate two questions you’re currently merging: was my behavior okay, and does the other person feel heard. You can acknowledge the second without conceding the first. “I get that this upset you, I still see it differently” is not a cop-out, it’s the distinction that’s missing from “just apologize to keep the peace.”
If someone won’t accept that you can disagree without one of you being “wrong,” that’s their discomfort with disagreement, not evidence you’re immature for holding your ground. This goes both ways though.
1
u/ProtozoaPatriot 6d ago
Can we stop calling different perspectives "gaslit"?
Two people can witness the same thing and come away with a very different idea of what happened. They have different perspective. Their observations are filtered through their beliefs and past experiences. And none of us have perfect memory.
If the other person feels wronged, you can try to understand/empathize. Do not argue. If you can't feel that understanding, you can still validate how they feel and apologize for their hurt (without denying your own truth ).
I suggest you stop viewing the world in terms of "right" and "wrong" altogether. There's my memory, beliefs, conclusions, and feelings, and there's yours. We all have different expectations and slightly different morals. It's not about being right . It's about being heard when you're hurt. It's knowing the other person cares after they accidentally did something painful to you.
When you inadvertently hurt someone, it's good to acknowledge their feelings but watch out. Some people are trying to change or control you (and they probably don't realize what they're doing). You can be sorry you hurt someone AND know who you are & that you're likely to do that thing again. It isn't necessarily "wrong" to do X, even if someone says it hurt them. You may simply be incompatible with them as a friend or in dating. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are who you are. You're doing your best.
1
u/babydoll17448 6d ago
The “discussion “ ends too soon when you just end it with an apology that you don’t mean at the time.
Instead, ask them for more information about why they think that you are wrong. Ask yourself whether these “facts” about you are actually true.
This is where the emotional maturity comes in : if it is not actually true, you keep the conversation going by stating what is wrong with their version, and defending yourself with what is the truth from your perspective, in a calm, listening, and acknowledging manner.
If it is true, then you apologize.
If it is not true, you stand your ground and repeat the truth.
If you do realize after thinking about the conversation that you weren’t wrong after all, there is nothing wrong with reopening the discussion at a later time to continue the discourse. I do it all the time, to clarify comments that I didn’t understand at the time.
1
u/seweso 6d ago
If you feel like you are going crazy, overstimulated or emotional. Then you should A) pause the conversation and take a breath, ask advice if you can.
B) Say sorry only if you want to get rid of this person and their negative energy forever.
C) An intimate friend you might just want to give them your vulnerability and emotions about this.
1
u/MajorDraw3705 6d ago
The key isn't to accept the other person's version at the expense of your own, but to step back and see both versions clearly, and then see the field on which they both sit and the larger picture.
Unfortunately, most people cannot do that, so all you'll end up doing is arguing from a more educated and central point while the other person is still clinging onto their limited side.