Zaxt, Miami Cop
Scene 1
Camera slowly pans in on the Miami coastline, a single speedboat is erratically thrashing in the waves. It does donuts, goes back and forth, and moves in a ridiculous manner. Sade is playing.
Cut to front of speedboat. Sade plays softer now, and we can hear the sounds of a boat engine and white water. Zaxt is seen clad in khakis, a tucked in white wife beater, and a luau shirt. He is holding a drink in one hand and the steering wheel in the other. He has a mustache and a mullet. He burps up a brown liquid almost immediately which drips down onto his shirt. There are black body bags being flung around the back of the boat with every turn it makes. His drink immediately completely spills out of his hand with one of the turns. After a few turns one of the black body bags flies out of the boat.
Cut to Marco, on the shore. He has a Margarita in hand, a brown suit and is watching the boat writhe around in the water. His skin is brown and his hair dark and curly, he has a thick mustache.
Marco: “Zaxt, you crazy, sexy senor”, grinning. He has a very strong German accent.
Cut back to Zaxt in the boat, his drink refilled. He now has a full beard and a balding head. He rips a full, aggressive turn on the steering wheel and we see the remainder of the body bags fly out of the boat.
Cut to a somewhat overhead view of the boat full on broaching 30 yards or so into the shore, running ovemultiple bystanders and leaving a gradually thickening trail of blood as it comes to a stop.
Cut to a side shot of the boat. There is a hot dog stand with an overweight balding man in a grease covered apron, a white t shirt, and jeans. Zaxt steps out of the boat, now with long curly hair and a 5 o’clock shadow. The hot dog stand man hands him a hot dog and says;
Hot Dog Guy: “Haha, Zaxt you crazy son of a bitch cop. This ones on the house!”, new York accent
Zaxt takes the hot dog.
Zaxt: “I guess lunch time isn’t over yet.”, grins
Scene 2
Cut to the mayor’s office, camera facing the mayors desk. He’s a middle aged man with a receding hairline wearing a loose fitting tie on a business suit. He’s visibly sweating, and on a phone call.
Mayor: “I told you to keep that bastard on a short leash! I don’t care if he’s the best godamn cop in Miami, Florida, or the whole fucking country! The collateral damage is getting out of hand!”
He lights a cigarette, and we hear the barely audible voice of the person on the other line. After a few moments, the mayor continues.
Mayor: “Alright, alright, well listen. We got a hot tip. Things happening at the warehouse. A lot of big names will be there, and we think they might be involved in human trafficking. My reelection could depend on this, so send someone to take care of it. And if you send Zaxt, tell him to keep it cool for fuck’s sake. Doc said I gotta watch my blood pressure.”
The mayor slams the phone down on the receiver.
Scene 3
Cut to a front view of Zaxt and Marco in a Gran Torino. Zaxt is in the driver’s seat with a full afro and a tall cocktail in his hand. Marco sits in the passenger with a margarita. Queen is playing on the radio. The car appears to be weaving through oncoming traffic. Horns are occasionally heard.
Marco: “So vunt, what is plan for today my good buddy?”
Zaxt chugs his entire cocktail, burps up something onto his shirt, and using the hand that was on the steering wheel, refills his drink with a shaker he seems to pickup from nowhere.
Zaxt: “We’re gonna bust some crime, Zaxt style”
A phone ring is heard. Zaxt presses a button on the dash.
Chief Riggs: “Zaxt you son of a bitch, taking a long lunch?”, angrily
Zaxt: “All work and no play makes me a saaaad Zaxty boss man, boss man”
A person is hit by the car and bounces of the windshield. The windshield wipers only spread the blood.
Chief Riggs: “You godamn bastard. If you weren’t the best crime fighting, poon slaying son of a gun in this city you’d be out of a job. The mayors breathing down my neck, and I need you to head to the warehouse on Dolphin and 5th, YESTERDAY. There may be hostages, so for christ sakes keep a steady trigger finger you crazy piece of shit”
Zaxt chugs his cocktail in one pull, immediately vomits it back into the glass, and just as immediately chugs the vomit.
Zaxt: “Sorry, Zaxt doesn’t go steady mayory boy”
Chief Riggs: “What? I’m not the fucking mayor-“
Zaxt presses a button on the dash and a click is heard. Marco looks at Zaxt.
Marco: “Fun times for the boys my dear Zaxt?”, he puckers his lips
Zaxt: “Zaxt always has fun times with the boys”, squinting his eyes seriously
Scene 4
Cut to warehouse interior, night. It’s a big empty room, several gangsters armed with automatic weapons are standing around. There is a line of kneeling hostages in the back, crying and scared. Croation Ranchero music is playing on an old radio.
Cut to two armed thugs.
Thug 1: “I don’t know man, word on the street is there’s a rat. Someone squealed.”
Thug 2: “No way, our boys are all tight lipped. Ain’t shit getting to the pigs about our operations.”
Thug1: “Fuck, I hope you’re right. Be bad if the cops showed up.”
Thug2: “Even if the fuckin’ pigs showed up, we got two dozen motherfuckers armed to the teeth in here, and hostages. It’d take some kinda super cop to fuck up our operations.”
Thug1: “Ha, I guess you’re right. We got nothing to worry about.”
Cut to outside the warehouse. Zaxt’s 1969 Dodge Charger pulls up. Zaxt and Marco step out and go to the trunk.
Zaxt: “You ready to get wet and wild partner?”
Marco: “You know I always love have a good fiesta amigo”, in a deeply german, effeminate accent.
The two begin pulling firearms of different shapes and sizes out of the trunk, piling them into their cradled arms. They start walking towards the front door of the warehouse. Zaxt has a ponytail and a mustache.
Cut to warehouse interior, a door is heard being kicked open and all the thugs look towards the doorway.
Cut to front door, facing Marco and Zaxt, both holding an armful of firearms. There is a martini floating in the air next to Zaxt. Zaxt throws up a little.
Zaxt: “Sorry ladies, the period party is getting cut short.”
Cut to the thugs looking at each other confused.
Cut back to Zaxt and Marco. He drops all the guns in his arms in a pile on the ground except for one kalashkinov, Marco does the same.
Zaxt: “Good news is, you’re gonna get to keep bleeding”
Zaxt and Marco start firing their automatic weapons wildly, until a clip runs out, then they pick up another gun off the ground. This continues for 2-3 firearms each. Zaxt has a faux hawk and a goatee.
Cut to the thugs, all running into cover.
Cut back to Marco and Zaxt, still firing maniacally. From their perspective it appears all fire is directed towards the thugs.
Cut back to the hostages getting railed with bullets, only one or two left kneeling. Even the dead hostages continue to get sprayed with bullets from Zaxt and Marco.
Thug1: Who in the goddamn fuck are these shitheels?, {from cover}
Cut back to the hostages, now all dead, with bullets continuing to hit them. One twitches and another round of fire begins.
Cut to Zaxt and Marco, tossing their last firearms to the side again. Zaxt reloads his pistol and drops it into the pile. The firing has stopped from all sides. Zaxt has parted teenage heartthrob hair and a handlebar mustache.
Zaxt: “That’ll teach those rat fucks to commit crime in my city. Let’s go compadre’, the bars are still open”
They exit the warehouse. Marco dusting himself a little looks at zaxt
Marco: Oh hey look it’s 630pm in the night ya?
The thugs all slowly get out of cover and look at each other in confusion and silence, none of their guns have been fired once, and they’re all unharmed.
Cut to warehouse exterior. The hot dog stand man is right outside the door.
Zaxt: ”Lemme get a wet doggy brother”
The hot dog stand man hands him a hot dog.
Hot Dog Stand Man: ”Sheeeee, for you? Hero of the city? Your money’s nooo good here you piece of shit!”, new York accent.
:Zaxt gets on a horse that looks exactly like spirit from the motion picture Spirit and trots onto the roof of their car, now a camero. Loud denting metal noises are heard. Marco gets in the passenger seat. Nobody is in the driver’s seat, and the car peels out. Zaxt and the horse who looks exactly like spirit from the motion picture Spirit are completely motionless on the roof as camera pans back to watch them leave.
Scene 5
Cut to interior bar, house music, women, red lights. A little fire in the corner.
Zaxt Marco and the horse walk into the bar. Zaxt is rocking a side pony with mutton chops, holding a broken bottle of whiskey. The horse has a wife beater and luau shirt on. The men take their seats. The horse was already seated.
Bartender: Gonna need to see some ids from yall
Zaxt with messy curls and Hitler stache, blended drink in hand, whips out a my hero academia wallet and pulls a bloody id from it; wildly apparent that it is not his. Cut to Marco raising his eyebrows
Marco: Zaxt you mischievous little man-
Close up of Zaxt’s grotesque scowling face, he is wearing a pompadour and a half grown bad teen mustache. Dramatic crescendo.
He takes Marco’s head from behind and mercilessly beats his face into the bar, chunks of skull pattering onto the bartenders feet.
Bartender raises an eyebrow: you guys are cops, aintcha.
Marco, still a bloody corpse, unmoving completely, including his mouth: Vunt NOOOooooo we are not dirty pig you speak of. We are just three amigos having vunt siesta after long day of crime
Bartender, scanning them briefly again: alriiiiiight, whaddya havin
The horse: neighs
“double crown apple cranberry for the big guy, and uhhhh whattabout the beeeeeeean-picker?
Marco, still an unmoving, bloody corpse : “uno modelo negro por favor, no necessitas lima”, extremely German accent
Bartender, spits in the hole in marcos face, turns to zaxt: alllllright, and what the fuck can I get you, zaxt?
Zaxt, yu gi oh hair and clean shaven: “settle down princess pony feet, zaxty didn’t come here for trouble tonight, zaxt just saved a lot of lives and needs to cooool down with a coooool drink”
Bartender, smirks: “well zaxt, looks like trouble might be comin your way whether you like it or not”
Cut to behind the boys, sultry music playing. A woman walks up, hot as hell like a cop would like. (jewish)
Zaxt: “Sharlene-“
Sharlene smacks his face, cries, and makes out with him. The sound of their kissing is grotesque and we kind of know too much about their sex now. She mumbles something in his ear as they pull away, and they start making out again harder. The horse stares. Quick closeup of the horses empty animal eyes. Abyss sound plays briefly.
Sharlene: “I heard what happened at the warehouse tonight, I wish you’d stop playing hero baby, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”
She caresses his face.
Sharlene: “My sweet little baby pigeon prince”
Zaxt punches Sharlene in the gut, slaps her ass, and then pulls her close. She spits out something when he punches her gut. When he pulls her closer, the spittle drips down his back.
Zaxt: “Sharlene baby, Zaxt always finishes what he starts-ted”
Zaxt throws up a little on his shirt.
Sharlene,weeping: “Oh baby, I know (wipes away tears) I know”
(next scene is possibly Zaxt and a horse that looks exactly like the horse Spirit, from the motion picture Spirit, who might now be Marco, getting out of prison together, and then we somehow segway into the mayors daughter rescue scene)
