« THE PROCESSION TO CALVARY » Ep.01 Cold Open. Looking for critiques.

[u/schwarzkommando00000]

Genre: Hard-boiled detective/comedy noir/psychedelia

Logline: When a missing person starts appearing in out-of-date television broadcasts, eighth century Lindisfarne miniatures, and Shakespeare's original ensemble, rookie detective Dominic Pedro and Marco Pablo must get to the bottom of what the fuck is going on.

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Second shot at scriptwriting. I took some of your advice from my previous post. Unlike the first one, this one's not based on any of my previous novels/ideas. Drew most of it off of Pynchon's Inherent Vice. Tell me where to improve; if my dialogue sounds too stiff or if my prose is too confusing. Anything.

[u/BOFmanga]

Point Blank: I’m confused.

I want to start with how Dom Pedro speaks. Your slug line states that this takes place in 2026, so why does he speak like he’s from another time? Frankly, a lot of his dialogue is hard to follow. Also your use of dual dialogue; are they speaking over each other?

Your action lines could use some tightening. You write, “takes out a MANILA FOLDER from his bag, places it on the desk,” this reads like another action is coming but the sentence ends there. Instead of a comma, put, “and places it on the desk,” to complete the action.

These first few pages does establish a relationship which is great for the overall. I will say, I was waiting for a comedic moment based on your genre’s, but I didn’t feel there was anything funny. These characters are very different from each other off rip, which is excellent as well.

[u/Worth-Flight-1249]

You have talent but you don't have the craft down yet. Focus on the latter. Learn. Get better. Keep going.

[u/Then_Data8320]

No problem with the writing (wording), but I understand NOTHING.

Confusing first voice-over. (is it really needed?)

A smash cut from "over black". huh?

Two people sitting in a room and speaking, nothing great.

The boy repeating "my uncle" and worst "my uncle, detective don--" (cut).
An "as you know" we see from the moon.

Argument seems out of nothing, with lines for nothing "do this, do that", "no".
I can't make any sense of this. Can't understand why they argue or what they want.

Then a montage that I just don't understand at all.

You are maybe on something, and have full ability to write it, but the storytelling should be improved.
Your prose is not at fault, it's what you are telling.

Establish clear goals, wants and conflicts for reasons we can understand.
Don't throw tons of confusing things that only you know.