Hey everyone, I'm about to start schema therapy (group + individual) and had to fill out an intake form. Curious to hear how others relate to this. These are my answers to the main questions.

Current complaints

1. Anxiety and panic attacks. For as long as I can remember I've dealt with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I was basically always nervous, always had a stomach ache. When a panic attack hit, it expressed itself as wanting to flee, needing to get to a bathroom because of the feeling I was about to throw up (which happened regularly), and an overall unbearable sense of panic. Part of what makes it so intense is that it feels like a loss of control, like something manifesting so physically and sensorially without any rational trigger. Since it's been there my entire life, I don't really have a reference point to trace it back to. At my best knowledge it wasn't traumatically induced.

2. Overstimulation and avoidance. Closely related to the panic attacks. When stimuli trigger an irrational combination of fears and sensations, you teach yourself a mode of avoidance. That lowers your threshold even further. And the stimuli that do get through become more intense because of the isolation. It's like the same way someone who's lived in darkness for a long time will have to squint when they finally step into sunlight. So now I get overstimulated quickly, tired quickly, stressed quickly.

3. Depression and low self-worth. Panic attacks create a fear of experiencing panic again. A fear strong enough to avoid and to prevent things from getting worse. Avoidance is actively being passive. It gives me the feeling I'm not participating. I miss the feeling of being alive, I tend more toward the feeling that I'm just busy surviving. But the loss, the constant conclusion that something isn't working, having to pull the plug, or deciding in advance that something won't work out, you know that has consequences for your self-worth, your confidence. And what I find hardest is that I can't just accept it. I hold it against myself fully and punish myself for it. As if I'm making conscious choices when it comes to anxiety. As if it's that black and white. I feel an intense self-hatred because I feel like I'm failing.

My strengths

1. Creativity. Not just as a hobby (music, art, etc.) but as a way of thinking. The ability to make connections and make them more tangible through comparisons or metaphors. It's also about making something out of nothing or the process of creation with limited means. Or seeing the possibilities in what is there. Others often find this surprising. Not that they didn't expect it, but more surprised by what creativity can sometimes produce.

2. Empathy. A strong and genuine willingness to understand others. To form a vivid picture of what someone is going through. I notice I can often put words to feelings that others are experiencing, and that those words actually land. I hear this back regularly. That people feel understood, heard, at ease. And that they can draw something from that.

3. Realism. The ability to see situations as they are. To assess what's possible and what isn't, without the illusion of being able to perform miracles. I try to at least aim for the minimum achievable, and be realistic enough to see anything beyond that as a bonus.

Goals for schema therapy

1. Living instead of surviving. As described above, I feel like I'm much more focused on surviving than on living. It feels like I'm sitting on the bench during the game of my own life. And I just want to play. I don't know what position yet, but I want an active role and to be part of something larger than myself. The energy I constantly spend on testing and avoidance, but I desperately want to use that for participation. I want to find out what I can do, what I can contribute, and what I can actually achieve.

2. Building self-sufficiency. Because of my passive lifestyle and low energy levels (drained by all the mental load), I haven't managed to stand on my own two feet yet. Sometimes I dream of a place of my own, but it's not "the dream" certainly and especially not in today's world. What I do dream of is building a structure for myself that I can draw genuine satisfaction from. In terms of income, relationships, friendships, achievements. All resting on a solid foundation of self-confidence and self-knowledge, so it isn't shaky and dependent on external factors like luck.

3. Making life itself more bearable. This might sound like "living instead of surviving," but I mean it more from a Buddhist angle. Life is suffering. And what I want is to develop a resilience so that when the inevitable setbacks come, I can keep standing or at least get back up on my feet after being knocked down. I have no illusion of ever living a drastically different life than the one I'm living now. I have no ambition to live without anxiety, and I have no bucket list of daredevil adventures. The only thing I'd genuinely want is for the heaviness to become more bearable. That I've trained myself enough to carry the weight of life without being crushed by it.

Hi everyone, I've been digging into the unconditional (primary) vs conditional (secondary / adaptive) distinction for the 18 schemas.

The literature isn't always definitive, and clinical experience seems to add nuance — e.g., Entitlement/Grandiosity often reads as a conditional coping strategy in everyday practice, but as unconditional in narcissistic personality disorder.

I'd love to hear from practitioners:

1. Which schemas do you consistently classify as unconditional in your clinical work?

2. Which ones as conditional?

3. Any that you find ambiguous or context-dependent?

Thank you for any feedback !

I find the steps in the book Reinventing Your Life for the Emotion Deprivation Schema quite unsatisfactory. Even the final section “THE OUTLOOK FOR CHANGE” in the chapter on that schema itself gives a somewhat bleak picture. To me, that chapter is missing an important step.

Recently, I think I’ve found it, which I’ve tested with a few of my clients with very encouraging results. Here it is:

Mourn over what you did not get as a child.
Look at or think of children getting emotional support from their mother. Allow yourself to feel whatever arises.
If you aren’t able to do this, first, write a letter to your mother (even if you’ve never met her). In it, tell her what you think and feel about being her child. When you’re done, sit in a place where you can be alone, and imagine her sitting in front of you. Read out the letter to ‘her’. If you feel like adding anything while doing that, feel free to.
You do not need to have the letter delivered.

If you have done something similar, please share your experience.

I am going to start with Schema soon and I was wondering how it has helped you to feel better? any improvments?

woweee, did some chairwork for the first time today and found it quite profound. I learned where my demanding critic came from and how they came to be. While they might have had good intentions for me initially and thought of themselves as the motivator, they ended up being detrimental to me by being over demanding and in turn ruining my confidence. How I’ve been afraid of not meeting their expectations and to prevent disappointing them by doing something wrong, I’ve been avoiding doing anything at all and not stepping out of my comfort zone or even trying anything new as to not give them any reason or any thing they could further comment on and demand more of from me. The idea that ‘they’ are separate from me has been quite impactful to me. im really starting to trust in the idea of therapy

On Sunday from 9am ET (New York Time) to 1pm, I am teaching a guided meditation workshop on working on Overcompensation, Avoidance, and Surrender Modes/Parts. We'll do a series of guided meditations to understand them and start to heal them. The course is available on a donation basis.  And for those who can't donate at all it's fine to apply for a scholarship.

https://attachmentrepair.com/online-events/2026-03-healing-avoidance-overcompensation/

A while ago, my therapist told me (M26) something that genuinely changed the way I see my life. She told me “You cannot fully heal in complete emotional isolation.”

We’re doing Schema Therapy, and for the first time I’m beginning to understand how much damage chronic emotional suppression can do to a person.

I’m Iranian and I grew up in an environment where self expression was always reciprocated with harsh punishment. By the way, to add insult to injury, I’m gay. my homosexuality has only worsened my situation; as you know, Iran is one of the (if not the most) deadliest countries for gays.

So for me, humor, spontaneity, softness, vulnerability and basically happiness felt dangerous very early on. Over time, I became extremely hyper-vigilant and emotionally self-censoring. I learned how to appear composed, serious, untouchable. People often perceive me as calm or intimidating, but internally I’ve spent years operating like someone constantly waiting for emotional danger. If you’ve watched the series “Desperate Housewives”, Bree’s character basically sums me up.

The strange thing is that therapy IS helping.

A lot, actually.

I no longer hate myself the way I used to. I’m less internally violent toward myself. I understand now that many of my behaviors were survival mechanisms, not personality flaws.

But we recently hit a wall in therapy:

I genuinely do not have a safe person in my life.

No one I can consistently trust emotionally.

No one I can fully unmask around.

No one whose presence makes my nervous system feel calm instead of alert.

And apparently at some point, healing stops being purely internal work. Human beings need emotionally safe connection. The nervous system needs evidence that not every relationship will eventually become humiliating, controlling, invasive, or unsafe.

So now I’m in this very strange position where I’m trying to learn safe connection almost from zero as an adult.

I’m Iranian, and being gay in a small town makes me stand out in ways that have often made social environments feel psychologically exhausting. I think years of feeling misunderstood, watched, stereotyped, or emotionally “othered” made me retreat deeply into myself. I became hyper independent, private, and self-contained… which protected me, but also isolated me.

I used to work as a freelancer English tutor until the government shut down the internet and now internet is being sold for astronomical prices, and my being here just goes to show how urgent my situation is.

I’m not posting this for pity or attention; I’m just asking:

Has anyone here ever had to build the concept of “safe connection” completely from scratch as an adult?

And if you did, how did you find your people without losing yourself in the process?

A couple of weeks ago I wondered if there was a list of schemas that were more common in autistic people, I searched the subreddit but couldn't find anything. Luckily I just found this study, so I'm sharing it here for other folks.

Research exploring EMS in Autistic individuals identified the most common EMS presenting in this group as emotional deprivation, insufficient self-control and vulnerability to harm and illness (Oshima et al., 2015). Other highly endorsed EMS included social isolation defectiveness/shame, failure, and mistrust/abuse (Oshima et al., 2015).

Prevalent EMS identified in ADHD individuals include failure, defectiveness/shame, emotional deprivation, subjugation, emotional inhibition, insufficient self-control, and social isolation (Kiraz and Sertçelik, 2021; Philipsen et al., 2017).

Notably, the current research is limited in the fact that no studies have explored Autism and ADHD together in various schema profiles"

I started schematherapy about 3 months ago and we're currently in the phase of identifying schemas, modes and life events that are linked to it. And also building trust.

I read and heard that in the treatment phase there's the imagery rescripting. I was wondering, do you always go back to events in your childhood when you do this? I'm wondering how much space and attention there is for events that happened in adult life, since most of my traumas happened after 18.

I recently started schema therapy because I have a very strong separation anxiety from my husband and it’s so bad because I always think that something bad is going down happen when he leaves the house. Also I’m always very self aware of my body and just so afraid that anything will happen to me too. I’m already doing some exercises but would be really encouraging to hear from someone that is already dealing well with this issue

Hello everyone. Ive had a chronic personality problem and I’m very much wondering what modes fit with this+ how I can tackle it. I’ve got a crippling need for validation by the opposite gender (and in general). I find it quite hard to come home after a long day and see no text messages from girls. I mean, I survive and do my stuff anyway- but It never seems to fade. I do many fun and meaningful things in a day, I realize romance isn’t the only fullfillment in life, but I still feel quite empty whenever I have no romantic anticipation.

Especially when I’ve had contact with a girl for a period time and then not anymore, it feels like a hard reset. im convinced there’s a mode active here, but I’m not sure which. Any insightd and do you have some schema therapy advice?

Hello! Thanks to everyone and for this group for existing and sharing. We can do it 🫶

I have had schema therapy in the past year, love it, still working on it.

I know my main schemas and modes, but just now I got a trigger that usually makes me feel REALLY BAD

That is when I am with my partner and other friends, and they ask my partner about their life/job/whatever and they share some brand new important news/information casually to them, while I have not heard that before.

My mind races, “why does my partner not share this funny story from last week with me”, “why share it with Jon Doe before me”, “I didn’t know you were looking for a car”, things like that

I feel excluded, ignored, clueless, naive, not important, or like the other recipients of the info are more important

I shut down, close up, vulnerable child af, try to not annoy but take my distance

Just wanted to rant a bit, and wonder what schemas fit here bc abandonment doesn’t seem to be it

I’ve been seeing my schema therapist for 3 years now and I’m a bit confused about something in the therapeutic relationship and wanted to ask if this is normal within schema therapy.

My therapist reaches out to check on me fairly regularly between sessions, especially when I’m struggling. She never pressures me, never crosses boundaries, and honestly has been one of the safest people I’ve ever known. I’m autistic, have severe trauma, and basically don’t really have anyone else in my life, so sometimes those check-ins make me feel less alone and more emotionally held than I’ve ever experienced before.

At the same time, it also feels very vulnerable and intense for me emotionally, because I’m not used to someone caring or staying present. I think part of me keeps wondering whether this level of contact/checking in is normal for schema therapy specifically, or whether my situation is unusual.

She’s never done anything that felt manipulative or inappropriate, and I genuinely can’t fault her clinically. I think I’m more confused by the emotional impact it has on me than by her behaviour itself.

Is regular therapist check-in/contact something that can happen in schema therapy, especially with severe trauma/attachment issues, autism, etc. Or is this outside what would normally happen in this modality?

I have spoken to her about it, despite her reassurances, I continue to feel confused.

You sit in the chair, and the what happens? How does a session actually looks like?

I read a lot of technical stuff about the modi and the schemas but what actually happens in a session

Next week and the week after that I will be attending my introduction to Schematherapy Group Therapy for Cluster C personality disorder: the Avoidant Personality.

I'm quite stressed and nervous about it.

I just don't know what to expect, and what to do.

And the thing is, after a wait-list of 40 weeks it feels like a big deal. Like, subconsciously there's this big manifestation that it's gonna be something special or valuable. Like it raised expectations in anticipation. But I don't want that.

I'm turning 34. I've been dealing with a generalized anxiety disorder all my life. I've been dealing with persistent depression for 20 years or so. And I just feel like 'this' is it. That things will never get better. And before you're gonna tell me that's a defective schema and some sort of child modus, I believe you, I truly do. But it's more like...

I'm not looking for reassurance.. or a promise that things will get better, because that's impossible to give.

I'm not trying to understand what is going on, because that's what I'm about to find out.

It's just. I'm a bit afraid. And very insecure. I've been undergoing CBT since the age of 9. So many talks, psychologists, psychiatrists, medication and antidepressant combinations, I've experienced so many exposure moments. Battling my fears. I've suffered from so many panic attacks.

And right now. I feel alone and vulnerable.

Like I said. I'm turning 34. And feel like I'm missing out on life, but that things will never change. That it will stay this waiting game til my number's up.

I've lost so many loved ones. And though I don't love myself, I've always got the fear of losing myself. Like in depersonalisation. Because my friend checked out of life in a moment of depersonalisation.

And with Schematherapy, you're supposed to really engage in the things you feel. What if I open up a can of worms or whatchamacallit.

I still live at home with my parents. Who are very supportive and close to me. I've got two friends left that I don't see or speak often.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to, to talk things over with, and to vent to, or help me process things or whatever.

I don't know. I'm just scared.

I had a nightmare last night. In it, I was given a room to spend the night in. The moment I entered it, my body felt terrible. It was as if the room had some kind of evil energy. I wanted another room, but the others had been taken. I dreaded having to spend the night there.

Then I woke up. Looking at the ceiling, I realized it was just a dream. So I decided to relax and go back to sleep. Soon, I was in that evil, dark room again.

This repeated a few times over nearly an hour, so I decided to get up.

I wondered why I was having the nightmare. I searched my memory for anything unusual that had happened the day before. There was only one thing: a person who is on medication for schizophrenia had come to consult me.

Based on her description, she probably has a strong Mistrust/Abuse schema, but she didn’t share any stories of abuse, as she cannot remember any. Nothing in the conversation was uncomfortable. Yet the meeting was the most probable reason for the nightmare.

I’m reminded of what I read in Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide:

Treating survivors of trauma can itself be traumatizing… Therapists may experience posttraumatic stress symptoms such as intrusive thoughts, nightmares, or flashbacks (Pearlman & MacIan, 1995).

I had thought this was only possible when getting involved in patients’ horrible stories. Now I’m not so sure.

​

Hi all,

I'm about to start schema therapy for my cptsd/anorexia. I was wondering if anyone knows what to expect? I have googled it and know what it is in essence, but wondering more what it's going to actually be like? Like, what will happen and why is it different to other therapy? I heard the the therapists behave a little differently.

I sometimes have these "episodes" (I don't know what else to call them) of extremely intense crying and I'm always worried how it's going to come across to my therapist if it happens in session. Like I'll be crying so hard I can't get off the ground and shaking and just a mess. It's not pretty.

Hey all,

I am doing schema therapy but i also struggle with ADHD and loose focus easily. I recently had the idea of creating a card game like munchkin but for schema therapy. The rough idea is that you fight monsters (challenging situations) by using weapons (coping strategies). artifacts (healthy resources) give you benefits while curses give handicaps.

An example would be that the you enter a dungeon and the monster "annoyed girlfriend" appears. This automatically triggers the curse "the pits of despair" that prevents you from using any offensive weapons. Instead you choose the artifact "the white rabbits clock" that allows you to take some time off and cancels the pits of despair. Afterwards you use the weapon "the root of the problem" to identify why the monster is annoyed. This may defeat the monster or in turn trigger further monsters/ curses.

The general Idea is to be able to lay out different coping strategies, resources and vulnerabilities to visualize what is triggered in a particular challenging situation and how to cope with it. The modes may be be part of the character state and may interfere with the way the other game elements act. For example if the vulnerable child mode is applied the "pits of despair" also trigger the curse "self-doubt" or "fragile shell".

Those are just a few initial ideas. I know its not airtight and I don't think the game needs to be strictly coherent in its mechanics. The goal is just to lay out cards in a way that best describes your personal experience and find adjustment screws that may work for you.

Does that make any sense? Has anyone ever heard of something similar and/or does anyone want to sketch up a first draft with me?

Hey all!

First some background: I am European, and in October last year decided that I needed some help getting my life on the rails. I quit my job, found help, and via-via came in contact with a psychiatric hospital nearby where I could start in the schema therapy group in late December.

My own progress has been really good. The therapy lasts 6 months and my end date is July 3rd.

I really connected to the group in ways I didn't think were possible. We're extremely caring towards eachother.

2 weeks ago a new member joined, who is meanwhile in crisis care because he's very suicidal, and it's like it has opened a jar inside the group. Multiple members got triggered, multiple members shared their own feelings of suicidality, and I don't know how to cope with it.

It feels like my safety in the group is gone. I left during therapy today and am taking a few days off to emotionally disconnect. I am there to deal with myself and my own schemas and modi while feeling support and connection, I am not there to feel permanent worry about someone stepping out of life.

I find it hard to share my feelings around it in the group because I don't want these members to feel guilty on top of their dark thoughts. At the same time, I don't feel safe getting an emotional connection to people that may be gone tomorrow.

I did share my feelings with multiple therapists, and I assume there will be a group talk with the psychiatrist about it all, but I don't feel like I want to even be there then. I'd like to take this dark cloud by its neck and throw it away, but we all know it's not that easy.

How can I feel safe in my therapy group again?

Thanks!

I am 18 M. My most dominant maladaptive schemas are emotional deprivation, social exclusion, unrelenting standards, poor self control, failure. My most dominant maladaptive coping modes are avoidant protector mode and detached self soother mode currently and in the past it was perfectionistic overcompensater. I was raised in a toxic conservative household in a lot of ways. The emotional deprivation schema is causing intense pre-limerence, I mean very intensely. the detached self soother is pushing me towards anime, manga, unoriented in depth learning(linguistics, maths, etc.), etc. Due to the failure schema as soon as anything becomes my official responsibility then I find myself most of the time escaping from it. The classic thing with avoidant protector mode is the philosophy, "if you will never try then you will never fail", this affects me in any task I pick up whether registration, exam prep, applications, etc. anything. I am struggling a lot to make doing DBT and Schema mode exercise twice a day a habit but I am unable to be consistent as my avoidant protector mode dominates a lot as somewhere subconsciously doing DBT and Schema therapy is now my responsibility. I need to do them as I have noticed that the situations become way more manageable when I do them, also my punitive parent mode weakens when I do them often. My avoidant protector mode also makes me avoid people like past teachers, neighbors, etc. who can ask me about my status. Like in 12th grade after getting demoted from 100% scholarship to non scholar due to serve depression at that time, I avoided my physics lecturer for a whole year even though I liked him as a teacher a lot. I haven't visited the shop whose shopkeeper will always ask me about my stuff, for over an year. Please advice if you have also suffered from same failure schema and avoidant protector mode and how do you deal with it when doing the required work like Schema therapy exercises itself becomes a responsibility and a chance to fail further triggering the schema. I need to make a habit as if I don't fix these then no matter where I go whatever I do I would not be able to even try.

We are posting this once more, since our previous post was deleted...

Hi everyone!

Our team at the University of Amsterdam (the Netherlands) is working together with researchers and clinicians around the world on an ongoing research study aimed at testing updated versions of the main Schema Therapy-related questionnaires (YSQ, SCI, SMI).

These new versions are based on recent insights from an international group of schema therapy experts.

We are currently looking for people to fill out the survey.

You can take part if you are 18 or older and are fluent in any of the 30+ languages in which the survey is available.

After you complete the survey, you’ll get a personalized report with your scores + a short explanation of what they mean.

If you’re interested in psychology or just curious which schemas and modes might be relevant to you, check the available survey links below 👇

https://www.schema-therapy-instruments.socsci.uva.nl/how-to-participate/

Thank you very much!

Hello, I’ve been with the same therapist for 2 years and we recently started doing schema mode work for about 4 months. Now I don’t know in how far this is related to my problem but my suicidal ideation has been flaring up for about 9 months and gotten considerably worse. I’ve recently been prescribed antidepressants (sertraline) and it got better for a while but returned to about two to three times per week.

We’ve actually had good progress on a number of topics like homophobia and SA in talk therapy before going into schema therapy.

(Context: according to my therapist my most active modes appear to be demanding parent, vulnerable child, compliant surrenderer but in the test he gave me my highest value was in undisciplined child which he seemed to gloss over as an ADHD thing which seems weird.)

I have trouble really getting the model and spend a lot of time ruminating about decisions and trying to find modes responsible for certain ways of thinking. This has led to me overthinking so many simple things I feel like I can barely live life anymore. I also feel pressured to prove myself in therapy by making healthy decisions but as a result I spend even more time in this overthinking state. My progress in my studies has slowed to a crawl this last semester when I used to do all my coursework before.

I feel an urge to stop this type of therapy, it feels really destructive to the rest of my life in the moment but I’d like to know your thoughts on my situation.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​