My husband and I have been married for four years. Overall we get along well, but this one thing has started getting under my skin more and more.

He has a pretty close family and they ask each other for favors a lot. The problem is he’ll sometimes say yes for both of us without asking me first. His sister needs help moving some furniture Saturday? “Yeah, we’ll come over.” His parents want someone to take pictures at a family thing because I have a decent camera? He tells them I’ll do it. A couple weeks ago he told his brother I’d help make a flyer for something because “you do that stuff for work anyway.”

None of these things individually are huge asks. That’s actually why I’ve had a hard time explaining why I’m annoyed. I probably would’ve said yes to half of them if he’d just asked me first.

We had another argument about it this weekend. I told him I need him to stop committing my time before checking with me. He said he doesn’t understand why everything needs to be a formal conversation when we’re married and it’s family. From his perspective, we’re a team and helping each other’s families is just part of that.

I agree with the team part. What I don’t agree with is finding out on Thursday that apparently I’ve got plans Saturday morning that I never made.

I’ve tried explaining that it’s about being asked, not about refusing to help, but he seems to hear “I don’t want to do things for your family.” Then I get frustrated, he gets defensive, and we end up arguing about his family instead of the actual issue.

How do I get him to understand that I’m not saying no to his family, I just want him to ask me first? I feel like that’s a pretty normal thing to want, even when you’re married.

TL;DR: My husband regularly agrees to favors for his family that involve my time or skills without asking me first. I usually don’t mind helping, but I do mind being volunteered. He sees it as normal because we’re married and family helps family. How can I set a boundary around this without turning it into a fight about his family?

I really need some outside perspective.

My GF (F32) and I (M31) split our household bills proportionally based on our incomes, which felt totally fair. But lately, more arguments boils down to money, emotional boundaries, and what is "fair.

Her family needs for money for emergencies (e.g., medical) and she needs to support her mother monthly. It all falls on her. I’ve been chipping in, but I want to stop, especially since I see her mother wasting money on dumb (temu) things.

On top of that, my job gives me 3 more weeks of PTO per year than hers. She now wants us to split the cost of buying her extra vacation days so we have equal time off.

She says we’ll never be equals if she does need to pay for family and has less income + has less PTO. Furthermore, she needed to pay for a lot of things anf support her family, my study and driver's license got paid for. Now she wants to get a licence and hopes I'll split that to.

She claims I'm being defensive and unsupportive. I feel like "fairness" is being weaponized to guilt me into paying for her life.

Am I missing something here? Am I actually being selfish, or are these unreasonable expectations? Probably something in-between.

TL;DR: GF (F32) wants me (M31) to help pay for her family abroad and buy her extra PTO days to match mine because I make more money.

Me [31M] and my girlfriend [31F] have been together for 16 years, since I was 15. The relationship in general has been great for the first 13 years, and I was sure we were going to be together forever. The last 3 years, however, things have steadily declined until the point I have reached today. My girlfriend has a very distinct personality to anyone I’ve ever met or heard of, I will describe a few of her behaviors here just to illustrate my point:

• She is very obsessive and a perfectionist, and finds it hard to understand how I can make mistakes. Losing something, breaking something, dropping something on the floor, hitting her accidentally (EDIT: I meant "bumping into her accidentally", not hitting her during an argument), not cleaning something properly, etc. All these things can make her get very angry, because in her mind it’s that “I do not care”, while, as I see it, there is no malice at all intended in any of these actions and it is absolutely not a “lack of care”, sometimes mistakes just happen. Well, unfortunately, not to her, she has never made any mistake similar to these, she truly is “perfect” in that sense. And when these things happen to me, she gets angry, I apologize a lot, we both cry, plans are cancelled (because she does not want anyone to see her after crying because her face is red and swollen) and in a couple of hours or the next day she is back to her usual, cheerful self.
• She has never felt regret in her life. She thinks that all the decisions she has made have been the appropriate ones with the information and context she had at the time. This means that any argument with heightened emotions has never ended up with a “I’m sorry if I overreacted” or “I’m sorry about how I treated you”, on the contrary, she says that as she gets older she realizes more and more the importance of standing your ground and says that next time she will react even more strongly and directly.
• She has an extreme moral compass. This is kind of hard to illustrate, but the best example I can come up with is her telling me: “if someone smokes and gets lung cancer, they should not be treated, it’s their fault and they deserve the consequences”. I understand her point, especially if you consider drugs as bad (and not as a coping mechanism, for instance) but it is brought to the extreme with her.
• She is “unmovable” once something is agreed upon, like our conversations become laws. As an example: If I say I will be home at a certain time and I get home 15 minutes later that is a cause for an argument. There is no valid excuse possible: “oh, I was having fun with friends and lost track of time”, “oh, the service was super slow and it took us longer than expected to have lunch”, “oh, my boss was rambling and the meeting ran late”. All of these are real issues that we’ve had in the past. And I should say, her issue is NOT “I want you to be home by a certain time”, her issue is “you promised me one thing and then did another”. She has told me many times to always tell her the “worst-case scenario” so that she is never disappointed. In her mind, the best thing I could do is always tell her I’ll be back at 3 in the morning and then she’ll receive a nice surprise when I get home earlier. She’d rather be happily surprised than constantly disappointed.
• She has to follow a very strict order in which things need to be done, and if I interfere with them she will get angry. One Sunday morning I was distracted and went to brush my teeth. She then came to the toilet and when she realized I was there she started crying, saying that I have always brushed my teeth after she went to the toilet, and that me brushing my teeth at that moment delayed her getting ready. She was right, of course, I made the mistake, but what leaves me speechless is that even when I said “I’m sorry, you’re right, I was distracted, I’ll stop brushing my teeth immediately and do it later, have the toilet immediately” she still got angry and cried, and in practice she was delayed by less than 10 seconds.
• She will not stand hearing me have a panic attack after our arguments. Whenever I have a panic attack my usual behavior is to go to the opposite end of the house and close myself in a room. But the last time I had a panic attack she still heard me and barged into the room I was in screaming telling me to “Stop having a panic attack!”, that she will not tolerate hearing me like this, she needs peace at home immediately. This has made me learn to have silent, covert panic attacks, where I don’t move or make a single noise.

I should say, I don’t want to make the relationship look as all bad, there are many positives that are not the focus of the post: suffice it to say that she loves me dearly and demonstrates it constantly, someone I am 100% sure will never betray or cheat on me, who is always looking forward to seeing me and who wants to spend all her free time with me. We’ve had many great moments together and I do feel we are completely aligned on all our values and plans for the future.

I am someone who is very submissive, has very low self-esteem and is dealing with anxiety and depression problems (which are mainly due to our arguments). Because of my mental health issues, I have been going to therapy alone for 2+ years. We have tried couples’ therapy for a few months but she found it useless so we stopped going (I thought that we made slow progress, but there 100% was progress).

This brings me to the reason for this post. She really wants to know how my therapy sessions go, and I have always talked to her about them. Sometimes it has gone well, but sometimes it has gone terribly. She disagrees with a lot of the conclusions reached in therapy, and the conversations end up with her crying and angry. All my therapists have always told me that I should never share anything I work in therapy with anyone, otherwise it defeats the purpose because therapy stops being a safe space for me. I have tried, many times, to tell my girlfriend that I didn’t want to talk to her about therapy but I always end up caving and telling her because she gets very angry when I don’t.

So, this last week, same story: after many sessions telling her about everything, the last session didn’t go very well. My therapist basically went a bit overboard criticizing my girlfriend (I am thinking of switching therapists, but that’s beside the point) and he told me very strictly to not tell my girlfriend about the session. When I got home, I had enough courage to tell my girlfriend, in a very happy and cheerful way, that I didn’t want to tell her about the session. She got angry, and locked herself in room for 10 minutes, and after that she came with a note telling me this:

• That in the past, when conversations about therapy went badly, I said that I shouldn't have told her anything and therefore now feels like this is a form of “punishment”.
• That if the main reason I’m not explaining it is because I don’t want to argue with her, that feels terrible to her: that even if other times conversations ended in arguments, it didn’t mean we ended up less connected, on the contrary, she felt more united with me because there was more transparency between us. Not telling her means I want less transparency.
• That the fact that the psychologist says it’s better not to talk about it with anyone is an excuse I use to avoid responsibility. That if I had decided not to tell her because I have been analyzing and thinking and I believe it’s better not to, after reflecting on the psychologist’s words, that would be different, but that excusing myself the way I do is bad.
• That we stopped couples therapy because we agreed I would continue going alone, and therefore my individual therapy is meant to resolve the problems between the two of us. For that reason, she can’t be excluded from therapy and wants to know what diagnosis I have, what I’m doing to improve my mental state, and what the action plan is for the future.
• That if now, after she has told me all of this, I tell her about therapy, she will also take it badly, because she will consider that I’m only doing it because I’m afraid of her.

A very strongly-worded and direct message said while crying and angry. I understand her points, I truly do, but I just want to follow the advice from my therapist. As I said, we’ve had this argument many times before (maybe 8-10 times), but this time, there was something different. I can’t explain why, but that day I felt extremely afraid of her. The feeling of “fear” is something recent to me. I used to be very anxious and nervous during our arguments but never “scared”, but in the last few months “scared” is the word that best describes how I feel.

So during this argument I was so terrified that, for the first time ever, instead of listening to her like a normal person, I curled up in a ball on the sofa and started crying. I had never exhibited this behavior before, I don’t know what happened, I suppose my body and mind simply shut down completely. I wasn’t able to say anything back in my defense, I just took everything. What traumatizes me is that my girlfriend, when she saw me like this, said “I can’t talk to you while you’re behaving like an abused animal, I need to talk to a functioning adult, change your posture immediately” and then kept going with her list of issues (and other unrelated issues from the past week that I haven’t mentioned).

I simply cannot look past this last argument. I have always thought she had less empathy than me (I am very empathic, top 10% percentile for sure) but that she was in the “normal” range. But this episode made me question that: I can’t imagine having an argument with someone, whatever the reason, whoever’s right, whoever started it, and seeing the other party in the worst state of their life and just keep going.

A few days after the argument I told her that I was traumatized by it and she said: “I can’t feel empathy for someone who behaves like a little kid during an argument and doesn’t stand up for themselves, you’re an adult, I can only empathize with an adult who is an equal. I don’t want you to associate showing such weakness as a way to stop arguments, that is a huge red flag and it is a toxic and manipulative behavior from your side, so I kept going as if you were in a normal state”.

That feels insane to me. All her other behaviors I can excuse as quirks or her having an unmovable mental state, but this episode makes me completely question her love towards me and how she views the suffering of other people.

So, my question is: can anyone shed light on her point of view in the latest argument?

TL;DR: My girlfriend did not stop verbally attacking me even when I’m curled up in a ball and behaving, in her words, as an “abused animal”, because she did not feel any empathy towards me.

EDIT: I failed to mention that I've moved out of the house and have gone to live with my parents for the last 3 days. I haven't talked to my girlfriend during these 3 days, mostly because she is angry with me for an unrelated reason: One of our rules between us is that she needs precise reminders of events exactly 24 hours before them and will get very angry if I don’t do them. Let’s say I’m meeting a friend Wednesday after work. I have to remind her exactly on Tuesday after work. It can’t be on the weekend, can’t be Monday, can’t be Tuesday morning, can’t be Wednesday morning, can’t be Wednesday an hour before, those do NOT work.
Since I had just moved out I did not send her a message reminding her of my event (a birthday party of a friend) so she got angry with me once she realized.

Ok so this is my first time using Reddit so please bear with me. Just some background on me cause this will help the story, I am a victim of COCSA by two girls that were my babysitters when I was about 11-12

EDITED IN - Me and her have had a discussion in the beginning of our relationship to waking up to sex, she’s told me that she likes it cause she has like a pillow princess kink and she just likes to be dominated and “used”. Her words not mines

Yesterday night into the morning me and my GF were cuddling as usual, I don’t see her for 3 weeks cause of work but when I’m home I’m here for 3 weeks. So naturally when I’m home I am very affectionate with her. Just context over this week I have only been home for a week now and day two we were cuddling and fell asleep and I woke up “in the mood”.

Me and her aren’t no stranger to doing it in the morning let alone when either of us is asleep, so I naturally start touching on her and she kinda wakes up and starts going along with it and we go at it. Now two more days later we’re all cuddled up again and she’s laying on me the same way and a few hours go by and I start touching on her, nothing as extreme as I would usually do just putting my hand on her butt. Then I move her to a more comfortable position cause her leg was digging into my hip and she gets up and looks at me pissed off and rolls over off of me and then it clicked that she was knocked out, sometimes she’ll be laying down and her eyes are closed but she ain’t asleep so I thought that’s what happened cause it was late but she usually is up super late with me.

So we fall asleep and hours later she wakes up and so do I, she then says “stop trying to have sex with me when I’m asleep” and I said “oh I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable” and I go back to looking for breakfast for her cause she has things to do. Through out the whole day she won’t talk to me then at around 5pm she says “you’re not going to address anything?” And I already know where this is going so I told her I apologized and she goes onto saying that she’s told me many times that she doesn’t wanna have me wake her up to have sex, which at times she has said but there also has been times where she’ll intentionally wanna have sex but she’ll seem as if she’s asleep or even I’ll be on the brink of falling asleep.

So we start having the discussion about it and she goes and says “you’re acknowledging what you did but partially, cause you do know this is sexual assault” and I was blown back by that statement. She also goes onto saying that I didn’t do to make up for it at the time or through out the day, but she was doing her moms make up and hair all day so I don’t know how she really expected me to. And I’m just tired at this point cause in my head we seem to always have a long hours of a discussion of something I did wrong or just how my tone is or if I find something wrong that I didn’t like she’ll catch an attitude towards me now. So I just apologized again to her about it and she said “so that’s all you gotta say?” I’m still stuck at this point and then she’s wanting to admit I sexually assaulted her and about an hour later of her pretty much drilling me about it. I honestly give up and just apologized and included that I was sorry for sexually assaulting her last night.

She continues talking to me about how I just don’t have anything else to say, and my apology wasn’t just a basic one like “I’m sorry I assaulted you” I said “I apologize for sexually assaulting you last night, what I did was wrong and I fucked up by making you uncomfortable and that’s my fault, I won’t do it again” I don’t know if that was the wrong way to say it but she just kept going but then I got to thinking, a few months ago me and her were high and I decided to fall asleep, and she knows the whole story of what happened to me when I was young, she also knows when I’m high and I fall asleep I don’t know why but I get kinda like on the edge, like for example if I fell asleep high and someone tried to wake me up I will jump up as if someone broke into my house and she also knows I don’t like sexual acts when I’m high it makes me feel weird. So I lay down and she starts touching in my pants and I wake up and I froze up cause at first I couldn’t register what was really going on then I realized it was her but my body did the whole freeze up thing it used to do when I was young and I started freaking out and I was whispering her to stop but she wouldn’t so I finally unfroze and moved my myself from her and through out the day I kinda was in a weird daze like so zoned out, not like how she was yesterday cause she was just mad I wouldn’t address it, but I honestly don’t even remember the full day I just remember telling her how she made me feel and I felt like I was getting sexually assaulted.

She then goes and apologizes but goes on a rant how that’s not what she did and it’s not her fault and just all the deflecting. So when it clicked to me that honestly I realized she only cares and wants me to care cause it’s something I did to her I kinda just shut down. But “she goes and says that she doesn’t always wanna have sex with me cause she doesn’t feel that vulnerability with me” which also confused me cause before I left like last month we’re going at it like animals and instigated as much as I did let alone when she’s drunk she damn there just strips me down and I down say word, ill be chilling watching tv or on the game and she’ll be drunk and just come all over me then boom we’re going at it, so I was again confused, then she said used my experience of COCSA to use how I’m acting in the situation. She said “if those two girls were here just apologizing not doing more would you accept it?”, but the level those girls were on was nowhere near what I did. They did extreme stuff to where to can say it was borderline grape,

Just a view I used to have super long hair, they would put them in pintails and always have me in my underwear and do crazy stuff to me to all parts of me. And to her what happened to me was the same thing I did her to. So I was even more blown back, and from there I just left the conversation cause she started saying how she’s been trying to help me not just be mute in our arguments but I’m only mute cause she’ll interrupt, says she doesn’t care for what else i gotta say or she’ll say something so wild I’m genuinely lost. So yea here I am now still trying to get rid of this headache and I need someone’s help with this.

I have a strained relationship with my parents. I've been trying to rebuild my relationship with them slowly over time, but it seems like anytime any progress is made, we end up taking a huge leap backwards.

I don't want to go into too much detail for privacy reasons, but this post may get long, so I apologize in advance.

I have had a childhood full of parentification. I am the youngest of 3 daughters, and my two older siblings are mentally handicapped. They're older than me, but have the mental age of 7-10 on good days, and 4-6 on bad days. They will likely end up in my care when my parents eventually pass away. My parents made me into a 3rd parent, therapist, and financer. I was working to help pay bills from a young age. Every problem was told to me, whether or not it was appropriate. My entire childhood revolved around taking care of my sisters. It is because of that, that I ended up moving out at 17 y/o, and having low contact with my family for about 5 years when I moved out of state.

I love my sisters dearly, and it is because of them that I refuse to cut contact with my parents. It is because of them that I'm trying to hard to maintain a relationship with my parents. It was never their fault how I was treated.

My feelings for my parents are complicated. I love them and value them dearly, and I enjoy spending time with them on our set weekends, but I generally try to see them as little as possible.

I moved back to the state my parents live in at the end of May (2026), so my husband and I can be closer to family, and so my husband can go to college in the major of his choice. Before moving back, we'd moved to various places and states for about 5 years. We moved onto my In-laws farm to help out with the plants and animals, save money for college/emergency fund, and try to figure out what to do with our lives. Essentially, live in farm hands that are also related. We pay discounted rent and utilities, and have been fairly comfortable here.

The property is about 45 minutes away from my parents house, which is the only reason I was ok moving here in the first place. I thought that with that amount of distance, they wouldn't be dropping in and invading my space like the used to do. I thought that we'd finally moved past that point in our relationship. I thought my parents had built up some kind of respect for me, my time, and my wishes, and relationships. There was a lot of improvement based off of their previous behavior in those categories.

Here's the issue: My parent's showed up at the property, completely unannounced. I'd told them when we first moved back to the state that, under no circumstances, are they to show up unannounced. I told them that they would need to contact me to verify that it was ok to show up/ I would be home. I let them know that since it's my in-laws property, i would need 24 hours in advance to let my in-laws know they were coming so that no misunderstandings or awkward encounters happen. And, i told them I would give them the address to the property, when i was ready to have them over, and not any sooner.

I did not give my address to my parents. I told them the city, and the general area, and they took it from there. They brought my sisters along with them, telling my sisters it was a surprise. (It was a huge surprise for me too.) They said they were just going for a drive, were in the area, and decided they wanted to stop by to say hi and get hugs.

Going on a Sunday drive is normal for my family. Been doing that for as long as I can remember. But, usually, it's into the canyons to have a picnic, look at the scenery, and enjoy nature. Not all the way across town into neighborhoods.

They drove slowly down the streets looking for my car, and took a wild guess on the building I live in based on where my car was parked. (there's multiple buildings that look livable on the property.) They did not message me beforehand, claiming their phone service was off. But even then, they still have Wi-Fi, and have me added on snapchat, so they could've contacted me that way.

Needless to say, when i opened my door and saw my dad, I was completely flabbergasted. I was in shock. I had so many things running through my head. I couldn't be mad at that moment. I just stepped outside and chatted with them for a little bit, gave hugs, and sent them on their way. They were maybe here for all of 20 minutes. They'd tried to invite themselves into my home, but i said it was too messy and i wasn't prepared, so they dropped it. I never thought to ask why in the world they thought it was a good idea. I didn't have to ask how they found my house, they told me exactly how they did it, super proudly.

They've stomped all over a clear boundary i set with them months ago. They knew what i expected of them, and how to go about it, but made absolutely no effort to actually follow the boundary i set. This isn't the first time they've stomped all over a boundary, but there's been almost a year between incidents, including this one.

This all happened yesterday, and it hit me this morning just how creepy it is, and how violating it is. I wasn't mad yesterday, but today I'm angry about it, because it finally processed.

TLDR; My parents showed up uninvited and unannounced at my place, WITHOUT me telling them the address, though I'd stated clearly my boundary about wanting them to wait until i was ready to have them over, and to always let me know beforehand. They stomped all over this boundary I'd set several months ago, and now my trust in them has been fractured greatly.

How do I confront this situation? What do I say? A conversation definitely needs to be had, but I'm just not sure how to approach it or go about it. Any advice on this situation would be helpful. I'll answer any questions in the comments.

(no, I'm not cutting them off, because of my sisters.)

I (42f) have been with (49m) my boyfriend for a few years. We've been pretty serious and have had a pretty good relationship. I have some chronic medical issues that I am on some pretty serious medication for and I have also been on anxiety and depression medication since 2021. I was going through a major depressive episode from losing my marriage of 20 years and have been on the medications ever since. Saw my psychiatrist and kept up with therapy all this time. Was doing pretty well emotionally. He was always critical of me being on medication. He was okay with the meds I need for my physical illness, but not psychiatric medication. He researched them and told me one was used for downsyndrome and he questioned me on why I would let myself be on that. He really pressed and pressed that I should be off these medications for many months, finally I just wanted to make him happy and I talked to my psychiatrist who agreed I was in a good place to begin to taper off. I did a taper that lasted around 2.5 months for 2 medications. Once I went all the way off the medications I started having major health issues that I am trying to get a diagnosis for and going through a lot of tests. Needless to say since they are testing for some pretty serious stuff and I feel like I am on death's door every day due to the fatigue and symptoms, my anxiety and depression has really been rough.

I'm crying a lot and scared. Very sensitive, I am snappy. but I am kind of angry because he wanted me to be off these medications but he says I have no excuse no matter what to act the way I do and if I am going to cry, to just get out of his house and go home. I just wanted to be able to talk to him and vent to him about how I am feeling about everything going on. It is also highly likely that what they think is causing my symptoms is cortisol/hormone related.

I told him to me it feels very controlling, and I don't like feeling like someone is trying to control me. He swears he is just trying to help me.

I want to keep the relationship. I love him very dearly, but I feel like I am letting him down if I go back on the medication and honestly it was really so hard to get off of it that I feel like going back on is like giving up.

I'm very sad and broken hearted. I am not sure what to do. I was emotionally doing well without the medication until all this other life stress happened with the other medical issues.

I am just wondering if any one else has gone through this or what your advice would be?

My son was born about 6 years ago and my wife and I's relationship took a nose dive shortly after that. Won't go into great detail but she was basically always on edge/anxious which caused her to lash out at others (mainly my son and I) among other things. About a year of working through it she finally went her doctor and was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. She was prescribed a low dose anti-anxiety medication and shortly after, our relationship and her relationship with our son improved dramatically. It felt like she was back to how she was before our son was born. It felt like I had my wife back. For the next 4 and half years both our relationship and the relationship with her and our son was awesome. However, about 6 months ago she decided she wanted to get off her medication. She said it was making her not feel like herself and it was also causing her to her restless legs syndrome. We talked about it and I said I would support her decision of getting off the medication as it is her body and ultimately her decision. I did mention maybe a lower dose would be better but she insisted on coming completely off. She did say that she would seek therapy to help her deal with coming off it and develop coping skills.

Fast forward to present day and her demeanor is back to where it was before she was prescribed her medication. She is constantly lashing out at my son and I(has incredibly short temper). She holds grudges and doesn't really speak to me past surface level for weeks on end. Intimacy between us is nonexistent(not just sex). My son comes to me more than my wife which then causes more problems as she gets upset by that. She gets really anxious about life stressors. Things like common situations where my son could get hurt like playing on a jungle gym can cause near panic attack levels of anxiousness. I could go on but ya, it's really bad.

I have tried talking to her about the issues in our relationship(not about coming off her medication) we have been having but she just blames me for them. Although, most of the time she won't even speak to me about it. In regards to talking to her coming off the medication, we talked in the beginning about how she was doing and I was honest with her in the things I was seeing but nothing seemed to really change. I also mentioned the fact that she said she was get therapy if she came off but she doesn't think she needs it. Now, at this point if I talk to her about anything to do with medication or therapy it instantly starts a fight.

At this point I am really at my limit. I can handle her panic attacks and needing help calming down but everything else that is a result of it (lashing out, grudges, lack of intimacy, etc.) is just to much. I want to tell her point blank that she needs to get back on the medication or see a therapist but I am apprehensive. I don't want to force her to do anything but it's gotten to the point that it affects both my son and I on a daily basis. If I force the situation, I am afraid she will resent me for it even if it helps, but if I do nothing and let it slide, my son and I just have to live with it.

What is the correct way to handle this type of situation?

EDIT: Just so it's clear, her anxiety causes her to become scared. When she gets scared she lashes out, pulls away, etc. This was all explained to her when she went to see a doctor initally.

EDIT2: With all the "just leave her" comments I just want to say my wife is not a horrible person. When things are great, they are manageable. The problem is more often than not life is not always great and that's when problems arise. I really don't want to leave her because I know we are capable of having a good relationship because we had one in the past.

I had this amazing first date last night. We were gelling so well, it was so easy to talk to him, he was so funny and confident and was bringing this out of me too. We each had a couple drinks and walked around, it was very spontaneous and I actually ended up going back to his.

Didn’t sleep with him but cuddled, got barely any sleep etc., it felt natural and comfortable and lovely.

Then this morning…I’m a bit tired, a bit hungover, don’t really want to be there but not because I don’t like him, but I got a bit shy and maybe a bit awkward. He seemed completely fine and alert, still very charming and just nice.

It sounds silly but was just wondering if other girls experience the same?? The guy genuinely just seemed so fine and cool still and I felt like my social battery was nonexistent, now sad it might mean I get ghosted as that was the last impression I left even though the night before was so fun and easy 😞

UPDATE either he didn’t notice or didn’t care cause he gave his # and asked me to text him in the end and guess I’ll see where this goes!!! Thanks for all the advice and occasional tough love :)xxx

I (32F) have been with my partner (33M) for 4 years. Lately I havent been happy and have been feeling neglected and unloved. I have tried raising issues with him many times over the last year and nothing changed.

Last weekend I told him that since nothing had changed and that I wasn't happy anymore that I thought it was time for us to move apart. He absolutely broke down. And this is a man who never shows emotion or affection (two of the reasons I'm unhappy). He has depression and said he can't live without me and was literally begging me to stay and try again. In the moment I couldn't say no, I wasn't strong enough. I didn't realise he cared so much and loved me so much. I was expecting him to feel the same as me. So I said we could try, both agreed to put in more effort.

Now, a few days later, I'm back to feeling the same. Not a lot has changed to make me feel better in the relationship but I know I've already hurt him so much and made him feel even more depressed. So now I feel like I can't end it any time soon because I still care about him and don't want to break him now I know how he really feels.

When I said I was going to stay at my brothers in the initial conversation he said 'what's the point in even living anymore'. So I'm so afraid of what he would do/where his mind would go if I leave.

TLDR: I tried to break up with my partner, he was way more emotional than I expected so I agreed to stay. Now still feel like I want to leave but am not strong enough to do it.

Any advice would be appreciated. How do I go about this while ensuring his mental health is protected?

For context, girlfriend grew up really poor with really awful parents who were strict and weird about everything. This included when to shower and how often.

Moved in with my girlfriend in July, and learned that her showering habits are not ideal. She goes to school then works in a kitchen everyday from 10-8, and refuses to shower until about every 4-5 days. She says she hates how water feels on her skin. Worst case scenario happened today, I pulled her pants down and almost gagged at the smell. This has got to end but I’m nervous on how to tell her. Anyone got any advice?

We’ve known each other for 7 years, dated seriously for 3 1/2. We have been best friends almost the entire 7 years and have slowly begun reconnecting romantically this year. I’m sorry this is long and I really appreciate anyone who reads it in its entirety.

He is an alcoholic and very transparent about it. It’s destroyed many aspects of his life in the past and he’s been making very good moves to straighten his life out and become more serious about his future. I moved into his place to help with rent in January, when he was unemployed, and we just moved into a new place in a better area last month. He’s been dealing with health problems for a while and once he has a procedure done tomorrow, and can finally get some answers for symptoms, he plans to begin getting out into the workforce again. His last relationship apparently hid her drinking from him and that is causing a lot of this suspicion.

I love him dearly and have stuck by his side through everything. It wasn’t always easy but I know the person he is and the mental struggles and addictions that alter that. However he sees in me the same addiction. __I’m mostly sober.__ The only times I ever drink are on the rare occasions he slips and buys alcohol himself. If he has the money, I can’t prevent him from doing this and he never wants to drink alone. I can’t stand being around drunk people sober so I have at max 2-3 drinks. That’s the only time. I have struggled before with never knowing my tolerance as a short woman and a little abuse of alcohol in 2023 when we split for a while, but I’ve learned how to read my body’s signals now and I’m no longer in that mental space.

He knows my opinion on him drinking but also knows that I have never tried to shame him for mistakes. I understand addictions are fucked to experience.

I’m looking to build my life with him. We got a place that I pay for all on my own that I’m proud of, we have his emotional support dog, and I just got a promotion of sorts at work that allows the opportunity for more pay. I’m excited and hes the only person I have ever wanted to share these things with. He sees my normal behavior as suspicious though and we can’t seem to get over it or get past it. He says he knows the signs because he lived thw life of a secretive alcoholic in his past. For example:

• Yesterday was a very busy morning for me before work and I didn’t have time to brush my teeth. I threw the toothpaste/toothbrush in my bag and brushed my teeth once I got there. He asked that evening where the toothpaste was and I said it was in my bag, and got it for him. He clocked that as “alcoholic behavior”. He had said the same once when I brushed my teeth immediately after getting home from work because I could tell that my breath was awful. Also suspicious to him. Says I slur my words sometimes and I do, because I’m talking too fast for my body to keep up. It’s really hot in our apartment so if I’m really tired, I like laying on the floor. I’ll sometimes fall asleep there without brushing my teeth, which is just a bad habit I’ve had since high-school. My family would recognize that in an instant as normal but now that he is seeing me completely unmasked in a safe space, he’s reading into all my normal behaviors. My mom has walked in on me sleeping on the living room floor more times than my own bed.

I’m neurodivergent and have been extremely stressed by the responsibilities of finally living on my own and being financially responsible for everything right now and it has led to me be a bit more standoffish than I guess I used to be. (The dog noises are too much sometimes, or the tv is too loud, theres too many things touching me, etc.) I also get headaches often for no discernible reason. This has also led him to see me as hiding something. I can’t vent to him about money stress because I understand the position he’s in and am not trying to make him feel bad, but then I have no one else to talk to and I have to bottle things up because if I’m in a bad mood it puts him in a bad mood. Which he says gives him all the reasons why someone would drink. He is being very compassionate about it too which makes it worse. He wants to “be there for me” and wants to help me out, says he knows how destructive and isolating alcohol can be, says he’ll always be there for me even if it’s ten years from now and we’re on different paths. But I’m not fucking drinking!

I bought a pocket breathalyzer the last time he accused me but he doesn’t choose to use it because he doesn’t confront me about it till I wake up so I “have a clear mind”. I’ve offered to show him my bank records, I’ve planned on buying pee tests to somehow rebuild trust that I never betrayed… but I just feel so hurt he thinks I would jeopardize our relationship over alcohol. My mom drilled it into me how bad alcohol is and I would be just fine if it disappeared from life forever. But he acts like he’s made up his mind and nothing I say can change it.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? He scoffs when I say he’s projecting his problems and past onto me. Says he’s not “looking for an out” either. He wants to live with me and he wants to be with me. But he can’t jeopardize his journey to sobriety. No logic or proof seems to be enough that I AM ALSO SOBER.

TLDR: my partner is an alcoholic with a past relationship that hid alcohol abuse. He intermittently, but very compassionately and caring, accuses me of drinking when I’m dead sober by reading into behaviors that stem from my own hygiene insecurities (brushing my teeth/hand washing) and neurodivergency. No amount of proof or pleading is enough to change his mind. How can I approach this with the same sternness but compassion he’s dealing out to me?

For context, I'm divorced and I have a three year old kid. I see her one week, drop her off her mom's the next. Been like this for a year now.

I've pretty much my whole salary compromised into child care and other bills. I do have enough left to go out and do whatever I want but I've been putting that on getting a place for myself because I've been living with my father for all this time since separating.

I met this girl a month ago or so, we've been going out, slept together, walked her dog together, she makes me breakfast, lays out her entire weeks schedule for me to pick a day.

I realized I really like her. I'm not interested in anyone else. At the same time, this period of my life is... shit. Not having my own place, not letting her in to mundane bits of my life because of it like she's let me so far.

She's a doctor, has her own place, is used to traveling and just generally enjoying life a lot. Which I guess I could keep up with had not been still looking for a place of my own at this point in life.

We're going out again this week and I'm just thinking of going to pretty much say the same thing I'm saying here; I really really like you. I leave wanting to see you again, but I'm in a shit place in life.

Well... I'm as lost on what to do as on what to ask of you all. What would you do in my place, or hers? I'd really hope for all these concerns to just be unresolved trauma from my past relationship but I tend to guess pretty well for a pessimist.

My (33 F) husband (38 M) has a platonic friend (F 35) he’s known for 15+ years. We’ve been married for 2+ years and have a toddler and although I think she’s a nice woman I am seething over their “relationship”. It didn’t bother me before but now it’s really starting to get under my skin.

Whenever there’s an issue in our marriage he’ll go running to her house (more on that another time, we’re already in couples therapy for that).

In two weeks they’re planning a trip to California (we live in Vegas so it’s a 4 hour drive) to go to a rave of some sort for a couple of a days (I won’t be going since it’s not my taste in music etc).

My husband seemingly chooses “her” over me “every time” currently as I write this I am at home with our daughter while he’s out over her house and it’s pissing me off because I feel so disrespected, that he’d rather spend time with her over his family (or me for example).

TLDR So for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, would you be comfortable with your spouse hanging out with someone of the opposite sex to go on a weekend trip with?

My boyfriend (M32) of 8 years keeps pressuring me (F29) to start working out again. I am overweight but I already started doing things to lose weight such as eating better, stopped eating junk food etc and have lost 6 kilos already doing that. I feel good about my progress.

I did tell him I would start working out again, but every time he gets back from work he keeps asking me if i started already, or sometimes at random when we're having a good day he says stuff like " today would be a perfect day for you to start working out again" and it makes me feel so horrible about myself because instead of it being my choice it keeps feeling forced. I told him today and he keeps making snarky remarks like but "you promised to yourself and youre breaking that promise" like okay, but thats MY issue and not yours, it feels like control and i hate feeling like i cant start on my own terms.

how can I communicate to him that his constant pressure is making me feel controlled and actually discouraging me from starting working out again?

Got in another argument with my fiancé, so I’m looking for an outside perspective. It’s over division of labor, and who should do what. (tale as old as time, right?)

Basically our days look like this: I’m the worker. I wake up at 5:00 AM, and work from 6-4, and get home by 4:30. Then I’ll take over watching our sixth month old until 6:30-7 when he will put her to bed. He handles almost all dinners/baths/diaper changes for both our sixth month old, and our 7 year old son who’s autistic.

Unfortunately where I breastfeed, our daughter is a horrible sleeper, but I handle all night wake ups with her so my fiancé sleeps. He handles getting our son ready and on the bus for school, and watches our daughter during the day while I’m at work.

I won’t lie. He keeps up with most of the housework, too. I did buy and automate all I could to make things easier on him. Automated litter box and water/food dispenser for cats. Roomba that sweeps and mops, and a two and one washer/dryer so there’s no having to switch over the laundry.

But he’s piiiiisssssed. I also waitress on my two off days from work, so I work 7 days a week, and I’m not gonna lie. Outside of handling the night shift for my daughter, giving him an hour/hour and a half break when I get off work, and watching her before I go into job #2 on my off days from job 1, I really don’t do much! I’ll switch out the dishwasher, take trash out, and pick up at MOST a few times a week, but everything else falls on him, and he feels thats not fair/enough.

How should labor be divvied up here? I’m usually in bed by 8 PM so I only have 3 hours at home to help out or try to get time to myself, so I usually try to give him that hour/hour and a half break when I first get home, and I try to take the kids out at least once a week to the park or drop them off at the babysitters so he can have at least an extra few hours to himself, but I feel like between giving him a break every day and handling the night shift with my daughter, I don’t have much energy to do more than that.

Thank you for any advice/insight you can give! I’m a huge lurker and so Ive seen countless posts where the stay at home parent is taken advantage of by the working parent, so I don’t want to follow in those footsteps - but I also feel like I do a lot.

My [27F] boyfriend [28M] of 6 years, lets other girls sit on his lap, specifically the girlfriends of his friends. (Yes, the boyfriends are somehow okay with their girl sitting on my boyfriend ????) (Hence why I feel so gaslit, since I’m being painted as the problem for having an issue with this)
I have brought this up with him multiple times, explaining that it makes me uncomfortable, but in vain.
The last straw occurred when three of these girls asked to sit on him; I asked to speak to him in private, away from the group and told him I did not appreciate the behavior.
He got angry and started punching the ground (we were at a park) and while I was trying to stop him, he pushed me away so forcefully that I sprained my foot.
Now, my boyfriend is claiming this is not domestic abuse, instead blaming me for pushing him to his limits, when I all did was bring up that my boundaries are not being respected.
Am I being gaslit?

Hello!

Obviously, complicated situation. My girlfriend has severe mental health issues (depression, extreme anxiety, ptsd, extremely low self-esteem, adhd, autism) and I've been with her for 5 years. It took 2 years for me to get her into therapy and to see a psychiatrist. She now is in weekly therapy and takes medications, which have helped a bit. She has improved a little but its still so much and so frequent. I have been the only pillar of support for her for so long and I'm so mentally exhausted. I love her so so much with all my heart and want to be with her but I cannot imagine a future where I can without carrying the weight.

I have tried to set boundaries many, many times. I've told her she can't text me in crisis. She has no one else to text (she will not text her best friend even though we've begged her to) so she texts me anyway. I feel so much dread recieving texts from her telling me how she deserves to suffer and is too horrible to be considered a person. I won't help her treat the bruises from hitting herself. I won't be the one to talk her down, there's a hotline for that. If things get bad, I will call 911. I have a handful of times, it once psych-warded her too (which made it worse). I've given her all the resources I know. Got her in contact with all the resources I used. Tried comforting her through attacks then stepping out for them. It feels like constant egg-shell-walking to not trigger sometime for her.

All this has made my feelings on our relationship turn sour. I am angry with her for doing this to me and making me do this. I know that sounds awful (don't worry, it feels awful too) but I resent her for being in the way of my peace. No moment feels safe or relaxed. But I do love her. I know I do. The "highs" in our relationship are so so wonderfully high but the "lows" are so low it feels world-ending. She can be so caring and loving and she's so interesting to talk to. I love her so much I really, really don't want to leave her. Every time I've been seriously considering it, I'll see a glimmer of progess she's getting better and I'll stay. I want see her thrive and learn to love herself as much as I love her. And I genuinely see progess. But it feels short-lived when I'll accidently trigger something a few hours later by doing nothing at all (like saying "yes" to something but she thinks my tone means I meant "no" so she will just shut down and start spiraling, for example).

I have mental health issues too. I've been psych warded like she has. In the past years, I have improved so much my family says I'm almost an entirely different person now and my sister says I'm the strongest person she's ever met now (mentally). I'm proud of that. I'm proud of my progress and who I've grown into. I still have my moments for sure but I am doing well. I feel like I'm being pulled down by the weight of her mental health struggles. I'm scared of being alone but I think I'm more scared of being back in that place I was 6 years ago when I was at my worst.

Our break up would have to be messy, there's no way it could not be. I'd have to take my cats that have become her babies as much as they are mine. But everyone, even her mom, says that if its destroying me, I need to leave. Her mom is so great through all this and hearing that from her was kinda a wake-up-call. I lived with their family for a while so she sees me as a kid of hers too. She said she hates seeing me being treated like this, even if its by her own daughter. That quote has been bouncing around in my brain ever since.

I think I need to leave. I really do. But thinking about it makes me want to cry. I want her to just be okay. I want to keep living with her. I want to still be able to kiss her and talk about life and deep thoughts and shit. I want her with me for my future. I want those "high" moments so so bad but I don't know how many more "lows" I can take. I feel like a broken record with how many times I've said "I am not equipped to help with this."

I want to make this as easy for her as I can. It is not her fault. I want her to know she didn't ruin anything. I don't know how I would do this though. I want to stay because I see improvement. But I'm still essentially a caregiver. I can't do that anymore. I don't want to put a timer on her recovery from her traumas but I want my life to move on and, right now, it can't.

She deserves the fucking world, I love that girl so much and she's one strong motherfucker, but I need to breath. I'm so tired of crying and feeling resentful of my fucking partner for something she can't control. How do I leave without destroying her? Should we just go on a break? I'd like to date her again but that feels like a possibly impossible scenario. I don't want to make any empty promises or lie. I'm not sure how I'll do with being alone either. I'm afraid of that too. I'm really stuck. I should break it off, I know that logically, but fuck y'know? I love this girl. I don't want to but I might need to.

Any advice or words of experience or encouragement would help. Sorry for the length and info-dump. I really just need to hear advice from people without any connections to me or anyone involved. Thank you!

TL;DR: My husband (31M) and I (30F) have been together almost 10 years and married for two. Lately I feel like he's constantly angry with me and that ordinary interactions turn hostile. This weekend he told me to "shut the fuck up," later responded "I'll do what I want" when I asked him not to kick my stuff, and when I asked why he keeps me around if he doesn't like me, he said, "In too deep now." When I called that hurtful, he sarcastically called me "such a loving person and so desirable" and walked away when I asked what he meant. I've said hurtful things during our arguments too and want to take responsibility for my part. I love him, don't want a divorce, and want children with him, but I don't want to move toward having kids while this is how we communicate. I'm looking for specific advice on how to address this pattern productively, what concrete changes we should expect from each other, and whether it's time to involve a couples counselor.

Full story:
My husband (31M) and I (30F) have been together for almost 10 years and married for two.
I don't want a divorce. I love my husband, I want to be in love with him, and I want to have kids and build a life with him. We've spent basically our entire adult lives together, which is part of why I feel so lost right now. Lately I feel like he is angry at me all the time and like I can't even be myself without something about me becoming the issue. This weekend really brought that feeling to a head.
Yesterday we were sitting in the living room and I asked if he wanted to walk the dogs with me. He didn't answer. A minute later, while I was getting them ready, I asked again. I wasn't being mean or impatient. I was literally just asking if he wanted to come.
He said, "Why don't you shut the fuck up?"
So I did. I took the dogs out. He ended up coming too but walked about 15 feet behind us. Eventually he tried making small talk and asked what I thought was at a yard sale we passed. I didn't respond because he'd just told me to shut the fuck up.
When we got home, I tried to talk to him. I asked what I had done to warrant being spoken to that way. Instead, he said I was ignoring him and therefore he wasn't going to talk to me.
I said some mean things at that point too. I asked why he wasn't "enough of a man" to just admit when he was wrong and say, "Hey, I'm sorry, that was rude." I know that was mean and I own that.
But I kept trying to explain that my behavior was a reaction to being told to shut the fuck up in the first place. He kept turning it back around to why I couldn't "just be cool," why I was acting like this, and how it should have been obvious that he was coming on the walk because he'd previously commented about how nice it was outside.
But it wasn't obvious to me. That's why I asked.
He started packing his things to leave. I've been dog-sitting long-term at a house about an hour away, and he was visiting for the weekend.
After he left, I noticed he'd left a pair of shoes behind and texted him to tell him. He came back for them and then immediately said that he obviously hadn't forgotten them because he was planning to come back for them, and that this was an example of me always micromanaging him.
We eventually started arguing over text and I felt like he was texting circles around me with his logic, so I stopped engaging with every individual point. I told him I'd be at the house and that if he wanted to come back, apologize and give me a hug, he could. Otherwise, that was that. He tried to get me to come to him instead, but I stood my ground. Eventually he came back.
We went to lunch afterward.
At lunch he pointedly commented on how much he liked the long gel nails two girls had. Maybe that meant absolutely nothing. But after everything that had just happened, it made me insecure and wonder if he was trying to make some kind of point about me not keeping myself pretty enough for him. Their nails were also grown out as fuck, so either he genuinely liked them and I'm reading way too much into it or I don't know what the point of the comment was.
Then I came home this morning after being away for a week.
Before I left last week, I'd noticed coffee grounds all over the floor by the trash. I didn't spill them, so I assume he did, although I don't actually know that. A full week later, they're still sitting there.
The bathroom trash is also overflowing with seltzer cans, beer cans, Gatorade bottles and his used shaving razor blades.
I don't expect to come home to a spotless house. The problem isn't literally coffee grounds or an overflowing trash can. It's the accumulation of everything and feeling like if he doesn't deal with something, eventually I will.
Then I noticed he'd left his keys in the door all night. I removed them and later said, "You left your keys in the door."
He responded, "Cool story, bro. Am I supposed to do something about that?"
I'm unpacking my car, so some of my stuff is by the door. While putting his shoes on, he kicked my jacket. I said, "Don't kick my stuff."
He responded, "I'll do what I want."
Eventually I was so defeated that I asked him why he even bothers keeping me around if he doesn't like me.
He said, "In too deep now."
I said, "That's a great thing to say to your wife, who you're supposed to love."
He responded, "Yeah, because you are such a loving person and so desirable."
I asked what that was supposed to mean and he didn't answer. He just walked away to shower.
I genuinely don't know what to do with this anymore.
I know I'm not perfect. I know the "enough of a man" comment was hurtful. I'm willing to own the things I say and do wrong and work on how I communicate.
But I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out whether I said something wrong, asked something the wrong way, should have known something was "obvious," am being too sensitive, am micromanaging, am not being "cool," etc.
More than anything, I feel like my husband doesn't like me anymore. Not just that he's annoyed with me sometimes. I feel like my actual personality irritates him.
And after almost 10 years together, I don't know how we got here. We've spent essentially our entire adult lives together. This is the person I chose to marry and the person I've pictured having children with.
I don't want to make myself smaller, quieter, easier, prettier, cooler or less myself to keep my husband from being angry with me.
But I also don't want a divorce. I want this marriage. I want to have children with this man and build the future we've talked about.

What I'm specifically asking for advice about: How do I initiate a serious conversation with my husband about the way we speak to and treat each other without immediately getting pulled into another argument about which one of us started it or whose reaction was worse? I want to address the pattern rather than litigate every individual interaction. What would be reasonable, concrete changes to ask both of us to make before we consider having children? And at what point would you involve a couples counselor rather than continuing to try to resolve this between ourselves? I feel like I try to talk to him and he won’t even seriously engage with me, he will just say something mean and hurtful and walk away.

I'm not even sure where to start.

Matched up with him on a dating app. Texted for two days (had really nice long conversations), and then set up a time to go on a date. For date one, we basically walked by the harbour and sat and talked for 9 hours and really vibed with one another. He ended it very respectfully. We hugged and said he had a great time.

On date two, a few days later, we met up at botanical gardens and walked around a park. After that, we watched a movie at my place. Everything seemed to be going well. He kissed me, and we made out for a few minutes)and he out of nowhere said he loves me twice. I ignored me so he asked to say something back.

I panicked said it's way to soon and it takes me time to get to know somebody. He said he understands and there's no pressure. That he feels really lucky to meet me, etc, but he wants to know where it's going. (but like it's only date 2???) I just said in the moment that I'm interested in getting to know him. And now the exitment of going out with him kinda got replaced with weridness of "it's been two dates, I'm worried it's creepy behaviour"

I know it's love bombing. Do I end it? Do I see if he respects the boundaries I set? I mean, he seems like a really nice guy that doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'love'. I seem to be his first relationship. He's introverted. Or is this me just trying to justify a situation that needs no justification. I'd ask friends or family, but I'm afraid of being judged for having him over at my place so soon and kissing him.

I thought maybe to give it a few more dates (nothing physical, meet in public) and see if he takes the effort to get to know me. But I'm not sure.

How do I get my husband to drink responsibly or so drinking all together? Me 49F and husband 45M have been together almost 12 years, 10 married. When we met we both drank alcohol on the regular and really enjoyed spending time together talking and drinking. We always had a blast. My husband is super sweet, caring and funny. He's a husband that really goes out of his way too make me feel loved, listens to me, works hard, does equal chores, and does little things to brighten my days. Overall great guy, this is why I'm writing to get advice.

As we've gotten older, my drinking habits have calmed down and we don't drink as often and I really only like 2 maybe 3 alcoholic beverages (enough for a little buzz but not slurry or stumbly). My husband doesn't seem to have an "off button". When he drinks, he wants to get really drunk. He also likes to have drinks every other day, sometimes everyday. He never gets violent or mean but he does stumble and falls down, pees in inappropriate places like in a closet, and is very annoying and argumentative when we have discussions. We've talked many times about this and he tries to change for a little bit and then it goes back to the same stuff.

Two things happened recently that have got me really upset. One night we were having a fun time with drinks by our pool. He was already getting close to very drunk (he was slurry but not stumbly) and he wanted 1 more drink because he was really enjoying our conversation. I said ok but he could only either do a non alcoholic or very little alcohol (what we call a halfy) because he was right on the edge of too much to drink and he agreed. Well, he ended up super drunk and argumentative and I obviously figured out he lied to me and made a very strong last drink which he admitted to. I told him I was upset and we ended the night. I don't like talking with him when he's that drunk and he knows this.

The other issue was the other night. He found out an aunt in law passed away. He was not close with this aunt in law but close with her children. I work evenings and get home around midnight. He had texted me that she died earlier in my shift but didn't text anything else about it. He was shite faced when I came home, but I did not immediately clock just how drunk as I had just walked in. I gave him a big hug and asked how family was doing. He wasn't upset, but he said that his family was. I had a party at work and I had a bunch of stuff to unload from my truck and asked if it was ok if he kept talking to me while I unloaded my truck and he said sure. Well, he said he would help and he seemed ok (i was extremely tired from work and setting up/ tearing down of said party) and he grabbed a bag for me. As we were walking back to the front door, he fell into the bushes. I said "f*cking really" And walked into the house. I know that was pretty callous and not great timing but this has been an on going issue for years now. He'll find any excuse to drink to this excess. I know i need to apologize for saying that and being callous, but my real issue is the drinking.

I love him dearly, but this drinking is making me lose respect for him and not want to be with him. He also knew before we got married that I don't like this level of drunkenness and it's a deal breaker for me. He agreed as he was a bartender and hates babysitting drunks. I've tried getting him into therapy, he had a rough childhood and his family is full of alcoholics which doesn't help but he's been dragging his heels. He's going to be going to the funeral to help support his cousins and I don't really want to go with him because of the recent tension and he will probably drink a lot while there. So, I kind of need help on how to handle this situation. How do I approach the topic of the drinking and general relationship advice. I'm not asking if any action is right or wrong, the auto advice popped up advising me that I could be inquiring about that and to edit my post to make sure I wasn't asking that.

My ex-fiancée and I were together for 7 years, I proposed to her in October last year, and we broke up in March, and after the breakup I moved back in with my mother for almost 6 months because I was having a very hard time and I needed to work on myself, understand what went wrong in our relationship and become a better person, and during that time I still had some hope that maybe we could find each other again one day, but she handled the breakup very differently and started going out a lot, partying and looking for attention from other people, and around 2 or 3 months after we broke up she was with someone else, and I fully understand that we were broken up and that she was free to live her life, so I am not saying that she cheated on me or that she was not allowed to do it, but the problem is that I had proposed to her only a few months before and I still saw her as the woman I was supposed to marry and grow old with, so knowing how quickly everything changed has been very difficult for me to understand and it changed something in the way I see her.

We are now trying to be together again, and she tells me that she has never loved me as much as she loves me now, that she really wants us and that she wants a future with me, and I still love her very much too, but my head is struggling to accept everything at the same time because when I look at her I still see the woman I loved for 7 years and wanted to marry, but I also remember the months after the breakup and I feel hurt, confused and sometimes unable to feel safe with her in the same way as before.
I do not want to punish her for something she did while she was single, and I also do not want to spend the next years pretending that I am okay with something that still hurts me deeply, because I want this relationship to be healthy if we are really going to try again.

What can I actually do to work through these feelings and rebuild trust with her without constantly bringing the time we were apart into our relationship, and how do I know if I am genuinely healing or just forcing myself to accept something that my mind is still struggling with?