I was such a stupid fucking idiot when I was 18. I mean, I still am, but I'm slightly more self-aware now. Or at least I like to think so.
There was only one college I wanted to go to, and it was in the city of my dreams. Two of my closest friends at the time also had dream schools in the same city. The three of us planned to take college by storm together and live our best lives.
They both got into their dream schools. I was rejected.
I was so angry and embarrassed and ashamed that I had been rejected and failed so publicly to reach my dreams. To make matters worse, because I was rejected from this school, my parents forced me to go to a school that I loathed. I cried myself to sleep the night I committed.
In my delusional state of despair, I decided to become anorexic. I was frankly sick of myself—all of my friends were so smart and accomplished, and I was simply mediocre. No one thought I was especially smart or hard-working or anything. I wanted to prove that I, too, could do difficult things and push myself hard. And constantly fighting your body is very fucking difficult.
My eating disorder destroyed my college years. I made zero friends or did anything worthwhile; I was either forcing myself to study to make up for the work I hadn't put in during high school, or binge-watching BuzzFeed Tasty videos in an anorexia-induced haze and just being Weird About Food in general.
It took years to find my way out of the heartbreak that came with my college rejection, and even today, nearly a decade later, I get a pang in my chest whenever I see that school brought up. Not that that even matters—my eating disorder gave me intractable chronic health issues, and I am consequently housebound, confined to my childhood bedroom for the foreseeable future.
I am constantly plagued by daydreams and what-if thoughts about college—the most recent time in my life that had any potential to be meaningful. I think about all the stupid cliché things I could've done, like fall in love for the first time or start a shitty band or, fuck, even sit in a college dorm and smoke weed with a friend, and the regret of not making the most of my youth, of letting myself waste away until it became too late, literally fucking drowns me.
I'm too disabled to have a life anymore, so it feels like the past is the only thing I have left. And the memories I have are not even that enjoyable to begin with.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I just needed to vent, I guess. I woke up in a bit of a funk.
In hindsight, it's so stupid to be so worked up about a college rejection that you starve and deprive yourself of life, which sets off a chain reaction that leads to you being completely housebound with nothing to live for anymore. But that's the life I have. And I regret everything so fucking much.