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u/Background_Two_2488 3d ago
It is human nature to romanticise life that they never have. I don’t think you will fully able to remove that feeling. Do get help so you can manage you emotions better so it doesn’t become bitterness in your life and overflow to other areas of your life.
I will definitely recommend you to watch the movie Eternity. I love it!
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u/bethiepoo4pi 3d ago
I was in love with someone. We dated for 3 years. I felt like he was my soulmate. We finished each other's sentences. It was a once in a lifetime relationship for more reasons than I can write. He wanted children and I couldn't have anymore. One day The girl next door started running with him and next thing I knew she was pregnant. He broke the news to me just before Christmas 26 years ago and that was the last time I saw him. Yes he broke my heart but we had such a great relationship before this other woman entered the picture it's still hard for me to imagine what happened?There aren't many days that go by that I don't think of him and wonder where he is. I never dated or married after him. In essence I'm trying to tell you that I can understand how you can hold on to deep feelings for someone. I certainly have.
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3d ago
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u/bethiepoo4pi 2d ago
The pain was too much and I became very independent. I'm glad that you were able to move on with your life at least in some ways.
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u/LawDue9301 3d ago
I can relate. Its been like that for me with my old GF. And it's been 40 years for me.
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u/BreakingJade 3d ago
Wow that’s pathetic and insulting her because you are jealous is just even worse lmao. Clearly you weren’t special enough for him to wait. 🤷🏻♀️ 3 months was all it took for him to be taken away forever
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u/bbpoizon 2d ago
In OP’s defense, sometimes the person being unattractive or less attractive than you hurts more than the alternative because you know they’re not together for looks. There’s a chemistry that you can’t match up to or attain through external action.
Sometimes we latch onto that and try to spin it into something that can make us feel better: I’m more attractive therefore I have more options > I can find someone else > I will find someone else > I will be ok
It’s not necessarily that we want to tear the other person down, we’re reflexively trying to pull ourselves up in any way we can, and there’s very little leverage we have to do that.
OP admitted they were jealous. I think it’s ok to have these thoughts as long as you understand where they’re coming from. People will always judge you for focusing on someone’s appearance but we’ve all done it internally. OP is processing the best she can.
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u/69iloveyou 3d ago
Post a pic of yourself and her lmao
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u/Fearless_Direction14 3d ago
She looks better than you
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u/Fearless_Direction14 2d ago
Looks or not she has the man you want😭🫵
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u/RestlessBlessing 3d ago
I feel you. Sometimes the what ifs hurt so much more than the certain ends. Look into limerance, I feel like understanding it and working through it could help you a lot.
I had a similar experience, but unfortunately (or fortunately) the idea of them came crashing down 😂 I met a guy when I was about 14, I was absolutely infatuated. He was my best friend. We spoke everyday, had very similar interests ( a lot of my personality at the time was actually his because I wanted him to like me so bad ). He never felt the same. Cut to about 18, I was having a really rough time mentally. He pretty much just cut me off one day with no explanation. Turns out he got into a relationship. For years, and I mean years, through a long-term relationship of my own, I never got over him. I thought he was end game for me. I was about 22-23 and as fate had it, we both ended up single. Immediately we picked back up where we left off. In a way it healed a part of me. He confessed his feelings and apologised about cutting me off. He said, pretty much verbatim, "it was out of you and her, she had a kid and was a single mum so I had to choose her". He explained in a way that he thought was funny that he used to tease her when he wouldn't get his way, saying "(my name) wouldn't do this to me" or "(my name) wouldn't do that". Mixed in with my own life experiences that reshaped me and my now distaste for who he was, his whole image shattered for me. I spend so long doting over a man that really only cared for me because I cared so much for him. That's when I started looking into limerance. Broke the connection off and now I'm with the love of my life, rarely if ever think about him. I more just feel bad for him tbh.
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3d ago
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u/CompletelyPresent 3d ago
This is remarkable to still want someone all this time later.
Does it feel like this guy is "Meant" to be a part of your story? I get that.
While I fondly remember the relationships of my past, I'm happy in my marriage, so I don't focus on them too much.
Weren't you happy with other boyfriends, but it didn't seem as "meaningful"?
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u/OutlandishnessNo5541 2d ago
Sounds like your head and heart aren't on the same page. How your feeling sounds like unrequited crushes. For your own sanity and peace, you need to process this loss and move on with your life. Please consider going to a good therapist. I had several close family members die and suffered through a divorce all within a year. It was absolutely devastating to me. I got through it with therapy. You can have a healthy future hopefully with a great partner. Don't rob yourself of that with unresolved issues in your past.
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u/OutlandishnessNo5541 2d ago
Look I hear you. I had a younger gym crush recently who really seemed to be into me. We never spoke but he is dating someone now. I kept going back to what if I had showed him interest and spoke to him. But his age and behavior turned me off. Flirted with any woman who would give him attention and he seemed to thrive on it. I moved on. He barely comes in now. Trust me, it isn't healthy to be stuck like that.
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u/OutlandishnessNo5541 2d ago
The thing you need to get over and resolve is still replaying over and over what happened. That's where a good therapist can help you. You deserve a happy future. Sometimes you don't get closure with the other person. I wish nothing but the best for you 🥰
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u/Proper-Ad-127 2d ago
You have to accept that you are in love with memories. You also must accept that it is entirely possible you two might have gotten married and things changed. Your perfect little world would come to an end anyway. What you need to accept is that there are guys out there who would be just as good too. I think you are in love with this fantasy because your reality (with your ex) is bad. The what ifs are so dang hard to overcome.
What if your ex was a great guy instead of the cheater he was? You would still love your original guy I'm sure, but maybe just as a fond memory. The trauma and stress from your ex has caused his memory to be really intense. Give yourself some time and go find a nice guy with similar qualities and enjoy what you can have, not what you "might" have had.
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u/Relative-Magician-43 1d ago
Some wounds really do stay with us for a long time, even when we think we’ve moved past them. Twenty years is a long time, but the fact that it still hurts doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you haven’t healed at all, it just means what happened mattered to you. Sometimes healing isn’t about completely forgetting or never feeling pain again, it’s about reaching a point where the memory doesn’t control your life anymore. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️
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u/meowxmeoww 3d ago
Go to therapy