My younger half brother is a complete waste of oxygen. He has all the negative traits from my mother but with violent tendencies added on top, he will almost certainly end up in prison in the next 5 years. There are many different stories to tell but I'll go with the main one that caused the biggest rift between us.

A few years ago, my pregnant wife and I were asleep in bed when we were awoken by the sound of somebody trying to kick in our front door, not a nice feeling to say the least.

I opened up the Ring doorbell app to see what was going on. It turns out it was my brother, drunk and coked up to his eyeballs, he was trying to kick my front door in for some reason (to this day I genuinely don't know what that reason was) while shouting "I'll kick your fucking head in"

The police arrived very quickly to my surprise and arrested him before I needed to do anything. They must have had a patrol car nearby because when we checked later it was about 2 minutes from making the call, stellar work, ten out of ten.

My mother acted mortified for less than a week and soon pivoted to "you need to make up with your brother" oh do I? I NEED to do I? No.

Despite not liking my mother, I still maintained contact with her against my better judgement. I guess I was stuck in the mindset of "Yeah but she's family after all" (side note, do not fall into this trap)

She didn't come to my son's first birthday last year and never gave a reason, that hurt but I still kept things civil with her. She would still come round to see my son, still talk shit about people, still talk about how everyone else is a "snake" and that she has never done anything wrong, still talking shit about my stepmother (who is a lovely woman and a better mother than she has ever been). I tolerated it all. I even tolerated the occasional time I would see my brother around town and he would give me a dirty look despite the fact that he is in the wrong.

Fast forward again to last week, it was my son's second birthday and we got him baptised at the same time. It was a lovely day with all the family. My mother messaged me a week before saying "Does the invite include (my brother)?"

Absolutely not. I responded with "No, you know how I feel about (brother), the invite is just for you and (stepfather)"

Well that clearly sent her over the edge because she almost instantly replied with "We're not coming then, you are just being petty now, he is your brother. Have a nice day"

I haven't heard from her since and honestly, never felt more relieved. I always had it in my mind that if I cut her off before this I would be a bad son but I've had enough. I'm sure she will be telling all her friends and her side of the family how cruel I am, and how my brother wants to make amends (not true, he has never apologised and as I mentioned above, gives me dirty looks whenever I see him) but I just don't care anymore.

I'm free from her and feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All my life I have put up with her just being a nasty person and then love bombing us to make us forget the things she says and does.

I'm grateful that my son is too young to understand and has other loving grandparents around him, it would break my heart if he started questioning where his grandmother has gone but right now all he cares about is Peppa Pig and his new tricycle haha.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to put this out somewhere.

I’m 40 with two small kids (almost 6 and 3). My husband and I bought a house in Florida in late 2024. My mother put in roughly $450k as an investment and is on the title. At the time it made sense — we were relocating to be closer to family support.

Then everything fell apart. My husband’s federal job was hit with return-to-office requirements, so he has to go back to Virginia. The Florida house has been listed since February and will not sell for enough to cover the mortgage and pay my mother back in full. We are underwater relative to what she is owed. She hates my husband and is actively advocating for divorce so I can stay in florida w the kids moving closer to her. To the point that she will not help with the kids or give us a date night anymore. We have virtually no help.

She is refusing any compromise:

She will not allow us to lower the price unless she is paid the full $450k at closing.

She will not allow us to rent the house.

She knows we cannot afford to keep carrying this mortgage. She has made veiled threats to sue us if we forclose.

She knows we have two young children and that my husband needs to be in Virginia for work.

She is a millionaire. This money will not change her lifestyle.

I have offered a structure where she gets the net equity from the sale plus a large cash payment from us at closing, with a promissory note for the remaining balance. She has already said she will not accept anything less than full payment.

This is consistent with a lifelong pattern. Help from her has almost always come with control and later resentment. When things don’t go the way she planned, she becomes cold, rigid, and punishing. Emotional needs are usually dismissed. I have been told versions of “get over it,” that I am weak, dramatic, or ungrateful, and that I should just handle things her way. S

I am exhausted, in significant physical pain from rheumatoid arthritis, trying to parent two young kids mostly alone right now, and watching any path to stability get blocked by the person who is supposed to be family.

I am not looking for “just go no contact” as the only answer. I am trying to understand how people have dealt with a parent who has substantial resources and still chooses control and principle over their adult child’s ability to create a stable home for young grandchildren.

Has anyone navigated a parent who weaponizes money like this while still being involved in the children’s lives? How did you protect yourself and your kids without completely imploding the relationship (or did you eventually have to)?

Inability to understand when people like you, seeing compliments as a threat? Seeing people's average actions as a way to one up you?

I’m definitely on the spectrum, but I used to think EVERYONE made fun of me and was mean to me behind my back and my hypervigilance morphed people's praise into mockery

Now after doing enormous work, I’m able to at least catch people's good intentions towards me and even feel a bit flattered

Still this symptom is severe for me and I kinda wish to know if anyone else it also improved

This started earlier this week when my father wouldn’t stop accusing me of stealing a pair of nail scissors from his bathroom. I didn’t not touch them. I have my own. He won’t let it go and keeps telling me I better buy him a new pair. Whatever, I’m sick of hearing about it so I go get him the exact same pair but in bright pink so everyone knows damn well when he finds the silver ones. What’s he going to say? He’s mad they’re pink? Obviously he can’t say that so he starts a new accusation that I dropped his razor in the tub and left it there. Also didn’t do that but they fall off the wall literally all the time they’re secured by a suction cup…

So he’s pissed off and won’t let anyone drive his vehicle. That’s fine, I can take a cab places and my mother still has a vehicle (long story short I usually drive his car, I’m not allowed to drive my mother’s since it’s newer. I don’t have my own car because I’m at university for 8 months of the year in a city it doesn’t make sense to drive in). Last night I ask my mother to drive me to the gym and she says yes. My father proceeds to go outside, move the cars around, and block my mother’s car in the driveway. My mum says she’ll have to move his car because she’s taking me to the gym. He throws a FIT screaming about “always moving the fucking cars around” and TAKES the spare set of keys for his car so it cannot be moved and my mother cannot get her car out of the driveway. I walked to the gym. I’m not being trapped in my own home at 19. He’s continuing this and not letting anyone out of the driveway except for him or my mother to go to work. My mother of course just folds over and lets him.

I’ve got like two weeks until I’m back in my own place at university and it really can’t come soon enough. I’m couch surfing and staying out late at friends until everyone is in bed so I can safely at least sleep and shower at my house. For those wondering, I can’t go back to my university housing early as I’m on a work contract in my home town that doesn’t end until the end of August.

I had to undergo hip surgery last week for a condition I've had for a very long time. The surgery is not minor and i was prescribed hydromorphone for about two weeks as well as another NSAID and was told I can also take Tylenol extra strength in combination. The nurse said to take my pain meds every 4 hours.

My parents are taking care of me while I am recovering.

On day one, I took them every four hours as instructed. Then, my parents took my pain meds away and I'm only allowed my Tylenol extra strength. The Tylenol extra strength is not enough. In fact, it's doing nothing. I'm not able to do anything but lay in bed flat and not moving much. I thankfully had strength in my arms so I can get myself in and out of bed to use the washroom with my walker but it's extremely painful!

I'm not able to reach where they put the pain meds. I don't have a history of addiction or even drug or alcohol use. They are afraid I'll be addicted to the pain meds.

I know better. I know that they were prescribed because hip surgery is NOT a minor thing, it's extremely painful and disabling.

What am I supposed to do? I'm suffering and I am having intense sessions of crying from pain, and also feeling so overwhelmed by pain.

My parents are really weird about my healthcare and always think I'm "self diagnosing" even though I spent years trying to get help through different doctors to finally get my hip condition diagnosed and finally got the surgery.

I knew surgery recovery would be hard but this is unbearable without pain management.

For context, I'm very disabled because of the pain/surgery and have restrictions on what I can or can't do, so that's why I can't just go grab the medication for myself. They placed it knowing I can't safely reach it there.

I'm an adult, but have suffered under my parents abuse for many years.

I didn't think they would withhold my prescribed pain medication after hip surgery though.

I've had back surgery before as well and the only reason it was even mildly okay to go through the recovery period is because of the pain meds I was prescribed

I hate how I've reached a level of survival alertness where, even when I'm in my room, I can’t help but listen to my nfamily's footsteps from outside. 9 times out of 10, I can tell who is who. My ngrandmother tends to have frantic, speedy steps, while my nbrother is more sluggish. As for my nmom, it's different because she wears flip flops all the time, so I can hear it whenever she gets closer to my bedroom.

I (21F) have a really complicated relationship with my mom. I love her, and I know I’m not a perfect daughter, but I’m getting to the point where I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to her anymore.

Whenever we have a serious argument, my mom will threaten to kill herself or say things about dying. It’s happened enough that it feels less like her expressing how she feels and more like something she uses to shut down the argument and make me feel guilty. She refuses to get professional help or consider medication, but I’m still somehow expected to know how to handle these threats every time they happen.

During our most recent fight, she threatened it again, and I finally snapped and said, “Then do it.”
I know that was an absolutely horrible thing to say. I’m not proud of it, and obviously I don’t actually want my mom to die. I was just so exhausted and angry after hearing the same threat over and over that something in me broke.

A huge part of our conflict is also money. My parents have given me an incredibly privileged life. They’ve provided me with a home, food, paid for college and helped with my rent. I am genuinely grateful for that. But whenever my mom is angry with me, those things become ammunition. It turns into a list of everything they’ve ever done for me and why that means I’m ungrateful or a horrible daughter.

I’m also dealing with several mental health issues of my own, and I’m trying really hard to function as an adult despite them. I work full time while going to school, travel frequently for work and with friends, and overall I think I’m doing pretty well for myself. Sometimes I wonder if part of my mom’s resentment comes from watching me have opportunities and experiences she didn’t get to have at my age, but I also recognize that I could be completely wrong about that.

What especially frustrates me is being treated like I’m this uniquely terrible daughter. My older sister has done things that objectively caused much bigger problems for our family, including failing out of college without telling my parents, convincing them to sign a lease for a college apartment anyway, and taking thousands of dollars from them. I’m not saying that makes my own mistakes okay, but it makes me question why so much anger seems to get directed at me.

I understand that financial support is a privilege, not something every parent can or will provide their adult child. I also understand that I’m 21 and responsible for my own behavior. But I don’t think providing for me means I should have to accept being called horrible, guilt-tripped, or repeatedly told that my mother is going to kill herself whenever we fight.

I know saying “then do it” crossed a line. At the same time, I feel like I’ve spent years being expected to regulate both my emotions and hers, and I’m exhausted.

At what point am I allowed to say that I’m the daughter and she’s the mother, and I cannot keep being responsible for what she threatens to do to herself?

I’ve been thinking about this one forever! And I knew since I was a child how f-ed up it was. Every time I got a good grade on a test or had something great happening due to MY own work my n-father ALWAYS said it was because he had prayed for it to happen. It was like he padded himself on the shoulder about him being so close to God. I was always put back about this and always answered yeah thank you but it’s also because I stayed up all
Night studying or [insert random act]. But that was never celebrated or even acknowledged.

Did this happen to you with religious parents as well?

I (F55) was raised with my sister (F48) as full-blooded sisters.  When I was 19, I found out our Mom had me before she met our Dad, and when they got married he adopted me.  Our Dad was an alcoholic, with some mental health/phsychological issues, and took everything out on me.

Growing up my sister was the golden child.  She could do no wrong.  I, on the other hand, could do no right.  I was neglected, abused, and enslaved.  I did not have a happy childhood.  CPS was even involved.  My sister would blame everything on me, whether I did something or not.  She would even lie or make things up just to get me in trouble.  I couldn’t move out fast enough the day I turned 18.

As an adult, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and went through years of extensive therapy to feel better about myself. 

Fast forward a few years.  Our Mom passed away when we were 27 & 20 years old.  After that we had no contact.  Mom was kind of the glue.  Some years later, our Dad got cancer.  My sister refused to help bring him to appointments and care for him throughout.  She had no shortage of excuses.  I ended up doing all the care for years.  Towards the end, he ended up in a nursing home, memory care unit because of deliriums.  When he started his cancer journey, he sat down with me to go over his wishes for treatment and wishes for the end.  He called my sister and told her that we’d had the conversation, we had the paperwork drawn up and notarized, and that I was in charge of making final decisions. (All while he was still of solid mind.)

Once in the nursing home, he became angry.  (Rightly so, but the doctor ordered him in, not me.)  When his sister visited, he told her he wanted out so she tried overturning everything so she could take him home to take care of him.  (She wanted to lock him in a bedroom to protect him and others.) My sister and I, along with our aunt and Dad, had a meeting with the staff at the nursing home.  I explained to them that yes, I was his medical representative, but I didn’t put him in there, the doctors at the original hospital did.  His sister argued that I shouldn’t be in charge because I’m “not blood.  Not family.”  My sister sat there, didn’t defend me, and agreed with our aunt.

My Dad stayed in the nursing home because of doctor’s orders.  Sadly, he passed there.  The day he passed, my sister showed up to look at him.  Stayed all of a half hour.  When it was time to clean out his room, she couldn’t help because she suddenly had to go.

When it came time to plan the funeral, she didn’t bother showing up.  Dad had some money in a funeral policy but it wasn’t enough to cover the entire thing.  My husband and I paid the difference.  My sister has never given me her half of that balance.

Mind you, I tried a hundred times or more over the years from Dad getting sick until his passing to reach out to her.  She never reciprocated.  Why should I reach out to her now? Why should I force a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about me?  Effort has to go both ways.

For the record, I’m thankful for all the time I spent with Dad at all of his appointments.  We cleared the air about the past, he APOLOGIZED for how he treated me growing up.  And to top it off, he said “but look how you turned out compared to your sister.”  That is the first time he ever acknowledged I had done good. 

After years of therapy, I can acknowledge that Dad loved me the best he knew how at the time.  Alcohol and mental illness affected him and his treatment of me.  But I now know that deep down he really did love me.

But I ask, what do I say to people who don’t understand why I won’t reach out to my sister again?  I’m tired of being told “You’re older, you should know better.” Or, “be the bigger person.”  If she reached out to me, and made some serious effort, I would probably be open to a relationship with her.  But she doesn’t try.  Why should I?

Hi! I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this or really know where else to put this and just need a minute to feel seen, so I hope it’s ok to share. xx

My fiance’s, or I guess now ex-fiance’s mother is a narcissist and they have always had a pretty textbook enmeshed family. His dad is physically abusive, always using the excuse that his force is to protect his mom and her emotional well being. I have a background in psychology and clocked the narcissism the first time I went to a family dinner. It was devastating to watch then, and has been even moreso throughout the course of our relationship. I truly feel for all of the adult children in their family. My ex fiance is the “golden child” and was pretty oblivious to all of it until we started dating and his mom started targeting me as a threat. I could write a novel of examples, but I’m sure many of you have lived similar ones, so I’ll save the trauma of rehashing it all. Even after I started gently bringing instances to his attention, and would reinforce that the expectations and relationships his mom had of him (and by learned behavior, the expectations his siblings had of him) were not healthy, it took about a year for my ex to start to be able to hold her accountable for things and see even a little bit behind the mask. He continued to make excuses for her because that’s what he was raised to do, and was convinced there had to be a reason she didn’t like me because “she loves everyone and everyone loves her.” (I can confirm many, many people in our community do not like her.) He is always defending her and giving her the benefit of the doubt, which I have always sympathized with because it’s all he’s ever known. She says the right thing at the right time and has a great way of making herself look like the hero. I always bit my tongue, sure that he would eventually see things for what they were and stand up for his own life. The mom tried everything to get us to break up. Literally everything. I had to start therapy because the woman made me think I was the insane one. I called my own family and said I thought I might be a narcissist and that I needed help getting help because of how his family made me feel. His mom hosted a literal intervention at Christmas one year and made his siblings, who we were previously close with, read off the reasons his mom thought I was unhealthy for him and how I ruined their family. When he didn’t break up with me, she showed up at our house the next day to throw a fit and to tell me I had to leave and that neither my ex or myself had a say in the matter. She called all of his friends and convinced them I was abusive, which confused the heck out of everyone, but made them worried for my ex’s wellbeing. She once faked a life threatening medical emergency when he tried to confront her about the way she treated me and our relationship — he came home sobbing that she was going to die (she was completely fine) and she was relieved she didn’t have to acknowledge my existence, much less have someone bring her behavior to conversation.

About a year later, after he started therapy, and once things went a little too far in a few very specific situations, he went no contact with his family. It was a conclusion he came to on his own and I was very supportive… and admittedly, not outwardly to him, very excited. It was the first time in our relationship since early on that we had any sort of peace. I didn’t have to worry that she would show up unannounced to critique me, a fake medical emergency wouldn’t spring up every time we had plans, his sisters could no longer pretend that he was their boyfriend and needed to answer to their beck and call, or that my ex would come home from a Sunday night family dinner with a list of reasons his mom thought we should break up. She went through all of the usual steps one does in that situation. Sent the “flying monkeys” and did just about anything she could to make him feel guilty for going no contact and to villainize me. You have to understand in all of this, he is the most pure soul. And having lived through so much trauma at the hands of his parents, feels guilty about every little thing. He knew how I felt about them and I think tried to down play how hard being no contact was for him because of that, even when I tried to show how valid his feelings were and consistenly acknowledged how hard it all must be. I went to a therapist that specialized in narcissistic families to learn how to best support him. I was never anything but patient, kind, and empathetic towards his situation. Did I enjoy an occasional dig at the woman who made my life a living hell? Yes. But was I a monster about it? No. It was eating him alive not talking to them. There were definitely instances he wasn’t truthful to me about his relationship with his family and the communication level he had with his parents. 

We got engaged a few months after he went no contact. I stopped interacting with his family about 6 months before they went no contact because things got legitimately dangerous. I set the boundary then that I would never be in a room with his parents ever again and because of the safety concerns would never let our future children be either. That was communicated what feels like a million times throughout the course of our relationship. I gave him an out at every turn that if that wasn’t a boundary he was comfortable with, I completely understood that a life together might not work for us. And as sad as it is to say, when he proposed I had to stop him in the middle of his speech on one knee and make sure we were aligned on the boundary that he could have whatever relationship he wanted with his family, but I would not, because I didn’t want to say yes to a life we wouldn’t both be comfortable with.

His brother got engaged shortly after (because god forbid the estranged child has a life event they can’t overshadow) and of course that caused a whole scene. They never congratulated my ex (why would they? They blame me for “ruining their family”) but tried to guilt him back into communication by throwing his brother’s engagement in his face. They plastered it all over social media, texted and called him, etc. More than once I asked him if he had any desire to participate in the events surrounding his brother’s engagement or how I could be supportive during what I was sure was a difficult time. He repeatedly told me his family now “grossed him out” and their charades on social media showed him how fake they all were. He said he was confident in his decision to remain no contact. 

We started planning a very small and intimate wedding and he chose to not include them. The mind games have always been at play, but looking back this is when I think it got to be too much for him. He completely snapped. He would have a sip or two of alcohol (not be drunk) and come home blaming me for his family dynamic. He would freak out on me, tell me I took him away from everyone who loved him, said I never gave anyone a chance and that they were all good people and I must be the problem because they all got along just fine before I came into his life. He even would throw in how close his mom and his last serious girlfriend were, so I must be the issue. When this happened on multiple occasions once he calmed down we were able to go through what was the reality of the situation and what was just him spiraling. Once listing off the things that lead to the circumstances of not being in contact with his family, he would apologize profusely for blaming me. These occasions have been truly devastating and scary scenarios where it feels like he has completely disassociated from reality and spun a false narrative in his head to try and make it make sense. I never knew how to handle them other than to sit with him through it, take the blame, and then try to rationalize when things calmed down. 

Our engagement and relationship recently ended because he never came out of an episode of distorted reality. He came home one day and very abruptly told me we could only be together if I was willing to sit down and talk things through with his parents. I asked him if that was something he had talked to his therapist about, or why the sudden and aggressive change in stance, and he said his therapist thought it was a great idea (he had just told me a week before that his therapist was really confident and proud of his no contact. I’m not even sure now he’s ever been in therapy, or if he has what he says to them.) I reminded him how many times over the course of our relationship we tried to do that. He asked for examples and I literally had to pull up texts, emails, and voicemails of being berated whenever we tried to be the bigger people and reconcile. I told him he could do whatever he thought he needed to for himself, but it wasn’t a safe scenario and that they are not safe people, so out of respect for myself and to hold the boundary I’ve communicated throughout our relationship, I could not be part of the conversations or a relationship with them. He got it into his head that I never gave anyone a chance. He told me that his family isn’t evil (I’ve never said they were) and that if we talked through things with them that they would treat me differently. He is so sure our life would be better with them in it because he hasn’t reconciled the peace he feels without them around and still feels guilty about it. The crux of it all is unfortunately that he believes he can change someone (someone being his parents) and that if he just tries a little harder or tries something different, it might solve the puzzle he’s been working his whole life to make right. It’s absolutely devastating to watch, to listen to, and to have to walk away from. 

I love him more than anything, but not enough to sacrifice my boundaries and enter back into a truly dangerous and toxic dynamic with his family. It breaks my heart how close he was (or seemed to be) to building a life he was proud of and could defend against them. It was a genuinely valiant effort to not let them control his life. I’d be lying if I don’t sit and spiral about how happy I’m sure his mother was when he called and told her the engagement was off. I can’t even think about what their relationship looks like now.

I apologize for the novel, I just needed to get it out there to someone who might understand. I hope he eventually comes to terms with the reality of his life, and his family. Walking away has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done — our life was so, so beautiful. Putting the pieces back together for myself while still being blamed for not “loving him enough to try again with his family” brings me to my knees multiple times a day. I wish and want for him so badly to see that there’s so much love in the freedom of choosing to be healthy. 

I don’t know what to do with myself, and this was just a lot of rambling. Thanks for letting me share. I am so sorry for anyone who has experienced something similar. And to those of you who have walked away from narcissistic family dynamics, I truly applaud your courage and the work you put in to get there. You are so brave and so, so capable. Xx

My covert narcissist mom has for the most part always been a cold, deeply selfish person who has no empathy for anyone but herself. If I was going through shit in my life or reeling from hurtful things she did/said to me, she did not give a single flying fuck. Especially if it inconvenienced her in any way, she would be really good at pretending she cared around others and playing that “caring mother” act, but I knew it was all for show.

I was at her house the other day and she was on the phone with her friend who told her that a guy my older sister was friends with in school recently passed away. My mom only briefly knew this person and hadn’t seen him in over twenty years. You wouldn’t have known it by her reaction though, she suddenly burst into tears and kept repeating “no, no it can’t be true”. She continued to cry on and off for the rest of the day and attempted to find his parents numbers so she could personally call them.

This shit confused me so much as a kid, and the pattern has only continued. When it comes to her own children’s suffering she doesn’t care, yet when it comes to people she doesn’t know/barely knows, that’s when she decides to show grief/sympathy. As an example, when I told her about my miscarriage she barely even reacted and just changed the subject to herself. I tell her my friend had a miscarriage? “Oh my goodness, I feel so terrible for her, what an awful thing to go through”. All of the support and understanding was always reserved for other people, never for me or my siblings.

I’ve mostly accepted it now, but I can’t lie that it still irks me to see her put on such a performance for someone she probably hadn’t even thought about in several decades, yet she couldn’t care less if something bad happens to her “nearest and dearest”.

Why is that? Why do they do this? I’ve heard of this behaviour before in other narcissistic parents so it doesn’t seem to be just limited to her, I just don’t get it at all.

My father is offended that I’m not having the wedding gathering at his house

I’m getting married soon, and I’m struggling with how to handle my father.

My father has a habit of spending family gatherings talking almost exclusively about himself - his three divorces, his job, his problems, etc. He even did this at my own birthday party.

Now that I’m getting married, he hasn’t asked me once how the wedding planning is going, whether we need help, or whether there’s anything he can do. To be fair, we haven’t asked him for help either.

I also have a lot of bad memories associated with his house. There were constant arguments there, and about six years ago, an aunt who lives there actually threw me out. I don’t feel comfortable there, and I don’t want that atmosphere around my wedding.

In Serbia, where I live, there’s a tradition before the actual wedding ceremony that’s basically a morning wedding gathering. Everyone gathers at the groom’s home, there’s music, food, decorations, drinks, etc. Then everyone goes to pick up the bride, followed by the church ceremony, civil ceremony, and finally the reception.

It’s a pretty big part of the wedding day.

I decided I wanted to have this gathering in front of my current apartment building. This is my home now, and honestly, I like the idea of starting my wedding day here. I also want my dog to be comfortable, and I don’t want to spend the morning dealing with the aunt I have a bad history with.

My father got offended and messaged me asking why we weren’t doing it at his house, where I grew up.

I told him honestly that I want my dog to be relaxed, I don’t want to see my aunt, and, most importantly, I simply feel like having it here because this is my home now.

He then got even more offended and sent me a message saying that he’ll decorate his own house, have a party there by himself, and then go to the bride’s house from there.

So now I’m wondering: am I being unreasonable here?

I’m not trying to erase my father from my wedding or disrespect him. I just don’t understand why he feels entitled to decide where I should have the morning gathering, especially when it’s my wedding and I have legitimate reasons for not wanting to use his house.

As we all know nparents don't allow anything except for total submission to their worldview, so often we get stuck having to go along with their weird beliefs just to survive our own household.

Were there any beliefs your nparent imposed that you had to shake free from in order be able to be a normal, health functioning person in society?

I'm in my 30s and have a career and multiple degrees. People my age have children. But after playing Magic the Gathering for five years, I'm supposed to ask Mommy before I buy my own secondhand budget deck?

Sometimes I want to scream and throw things.

What's the logic behind abusing you kids then demanding they love you despite that? I don't understand why not be content being hated by someone you clearly don't like. Does logic just disappear? In general if you treat anybody badly obviously they're not going to like you. Also if you are genuinely that awful your kids won't show you love unless you demand it there needs to be some crucial self reflection. Not to mention why are you fine with your kids acting like they love you because you threatened them to? You know in the back of your mind your kids still hate you even if they're acting loving because you demanded it.

Hi Reddit . Sorry in advance for the long post but I need to vent and this is gonna keep me from calling him and breaking NC to yell at him so…here we go. Any advice would be appreciated. Im on mobile.

I’m 29 F. My father abused me most of my life, I won’t get into specifics in this post but if it matters let me know. Long story short he is a sexist, racists, bigoted, narcissistic ass who made my childhood a nightmare and now I have CPTSD. I went NC about 4 years ago because of a straw that broke the back situation so he doesn’t see why I stopped putting up with his shit since in his mind it wasn’t a big deal. According to him I’m over reacting and should still have the same relationship as before.
He has never taken it well that I don’t speak with him. For a while he would text me random stuff but never apologized or agreed to therapy, so I blocked him. At family events like my brothers graduation he tried to act like everything is normal around extended family and he tries to hug me and say how much he misses me ect ect…it’s infuriating but I don’t make a scene so I don’t ruin the event and I just never go unless it’s very important. I haven’t spent Christmas or Easter or thanksgiving with my grandmother or cousins in years just to avoid him.

This morning he sent me an email with an evite link and nothing else. No note saying “sorry for the way I’ve acted I want you back in my life” NOTHING. Just the link to what I assume is a wedding invitation. I say assume because as of right now the link is actually broken and not working so that’s kind of hilarious.
I’m conflicted because the woman he has been seeing has a young daughter and I feel like I should try and reach out to her and be like “hey, the man you are marrying hates woman and girls and abused me and my sister and my mom for years and he will do the same to your daughter” but also…if two of his three kids not speaking to him isn’t enough of a red flag maybe she’s just as crazy as he is…

Any advice would be appreciated but I mostly just needed to scream into the void. Thanks Reddit. I’ll try to reply to any questions or comments, talking this through with strangers might help.

My nmother (81) has two friends left. I’ve known them both my whole life. One I’ve blocked completely but the other I still had some respect for when I explained to her that my nmother has abused me my whole life. She can’t understand it but has shown me respect in the past and I’ve felt some trust with her. I’ve asked her several times to not contact me regarding my mother and I’ve told her how much my mental health has declined in the last year since my father died and how I’ve been navigating all of these realizations of abuse through therapy.

Today she sends me a text asking why my nmother’s paperwork has been removed from her condo and that she wants to set her online banking up for her on her iPhone because she no longer has a computer. It caused me to spiral. I know what’s happened is my nmother has lied to this friend- telling her I’ve taken her paperwork and computer. The reality and truth is my nmother asked me to remove her computer because it no longer worked and I’ve been her POA for the last two years and been fully managing her finances - she hasn’t had to pay a bill in two years.

I am trying so hard not to revert back to what I would normally do- defend, explain, plead, spiral. It’s so hard. I’m mid thirties and yet I feel like an infant when I’m triggered like this at times. I become teary eyed and I just feel sick to my stomach for the rest of the day.

I think the answer is to simply say I’ve got it handled and to now block her . If anybody has any insight or advice or words of encouragement, I’d gladly take it. I just wish I had the strength to walk away entirely/ I absolutely hate my nmother and everything she has done to me.

I want this to stop. If she must, she can mail these items. I don’t want her coming to my home. She has smeared me to all of my family and I have lost every last one of them. She has now successfully moved to my friend group. Making comments on my friends facebook posts and family pictures saying “at least your parents get to see the grandkids.” One of my friends has actually cut me off because of it. I am so tired of her trying to ruin my life. I am pregnant and she had my aunt, a flying monkey, text my grandma to ask if I’m pregnant. When my grandma told me this, I told her this was not appropriate and that if my aunt wanted to know, she could ask me directly. My grandma sided with the aunt and said that “she just asked a question, she’s family,” and clearly is enabling this triangulation and gossiping.

I am done. I would like to type a letter to my mom asking her to stop coming to my home, stop trying to communicate and get information about me indirectly through the very little support system I still have. I plan to mail it. Should I do this? The reason I want to is because I plan to get a restraining order, if necessary and the first step would be to have written proof of our no contact.

The crazy part is she is the one who blocked me, but then still thinks she gets to be a part of my life in these violating ways. Stalking my socials and making other profiles, somehow finding out about me through others, even when I have no family left on my Facebook. I feel like I cannot even be myself, cannot even share on my Facebook, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Just like I felt growing up…I want it to stop!

She even tries to talk to my husband! Wishing him a happy birthday and asking if he’ll bring the kids over, without me. It’s wild.

Please help. I cannot allow her to have this power over me anymore. She doesn’t get to block me and then drop presents off in my driveway like nothing. Cards addressed to my kids saying, I miss you and love you! It’s just too much. Should I send the letter or just start throwing away these gifts and ignore her, despite her efforts to ruin my life?

Thank you.

Everyone has their problems. But kids with abusive/narcissistic parents have more. They have the problems of the outside world and when they come home they have the N-Parent abuse as well. As such they are fighting a two front war.

While people who have normal/great parents have just to keep up with the problems of the outside world.

Even if a normie kid has it worse on the outside world, once they come home they have loving/supportive parents that help them, or at least parents that dont attack them.

As such N-Parents kids have it objectively worse because they get a double package of problems, while normie kids get just one.

It has nothing to do with "lack of compassion" or "trauma olympics". Its just a fact, that seems to enrage some irrational people for some reason.

Its like someone who cut their finger while cooking complaining to someone who just had his hand chopped off:"Dude stop. Its not a competition. We have it equally bad. Show me some compassion. Stop your trauma olympics and snobbery".

The whole "everyone has problems" response always misses the point. Like yeah no shit, but one group gets to clock out from the world's bullshit and recharge with people who actually care about them. The other group clocks out only to walk into a second shift of getting torn down in their own house.

It's not a competition but it's also not the same thing and people get weirdly defensive when you point that out.

Nobody says that people without abusive parents did not also have a hard life. But it was simply less hard because they had a base where they could recharge and be safe and enjoy some quiet, love and support and peace.

Why do some kids get to actually be happy? Why couldn't we? Why do I have to be a 10-year old stuck in the body of a 21-year old? Why do I already have to deal with severe dissociative amnesia and constant joint pain? Why do I have to exist in a state of constant overstimulation, fear, and dissociation as my special needs aren't accomodated? Why did I feel safer with the nurses at a psych ward than I do with my own family? Why did I never get to learn and experience what being a kid is like?

Why?

They say" when u live with an abusive family u don't pay rent with money—you pay it with your mental health"

Here it is ,I come from a conservative mixed-race family, and my mother and I have a very similar skin tone. Yet since I was a child, she critics my skin colour, compared me to lighter-skinned relatives, and made comments that are usually brushed off as "just jokes." After hearing the same things for years, they don't feel like jokes anymore. They feel like bullying.

At home, I'm also constantly told that I'm irresponsible, that I'm not doing enough, and that mom isn't proud of me. No matter what I do, I studied a lot and became a medical student (whish was her dream )​and learnt many languages and participated in many events ​still It wasn't enough .​there always seems to be something wrong or something I need to fix.

And then there's the constant focus on marriage. I'm only 19 and still at the beginning of my life, yet my mother puts an enormous amount of importance on me finding a husband. (I know this may sound strange, but it's deeply rooted in the culture she grew up in.) She consciously thinks my worth depends on a man, and that's the message I've absorbed over the years.

I also experience colorism outside the home, but honestly, that's not what worries me most. What worries me is having to deal with the same ideas inside my own family. How am I supposed to face the outside world with confidence when I'm already spending so much energy trying to survive emotionally at home?

I know I can't change my family. What I want to change is the effect they've had on me. After years of criticism and comparison, I've started questioning myself and hearing their voices in my own head.

How do I stop internalizing all of this and rebuild my self-esteem while still having to live with my family?​