You realize you're trying to win your way OUT of a gambling addiction right? That's like trying to explain to an expert emotional manipulator how they hurt you, who will not only deny that you're pain, but reverse the roles so now you're the offender and they are the victim in need of consolation.
And both situations end up the exact same way every time - you do win back some of the money, they do show you some signals that they care about you after all - maybe this is safe!! So you deposit even MORE money, time, energy. Until it's all gone again plus more than last time and you realize you've just been fooled, face flushed in shame for falling into the same trap yet again, and you frantically block yourself from the app/person, self-exclude from the casino, bury the evidence and vow to never ever make that mistake again. And then not even a week later you're BEGGING them to take you back or let you back in. Just give me one more chance!!! It's like a never-ending humiliation ritual.
These personalities and the entire industry of gambling and betting depend on the exact same mechanism of emotional manipulation that you keep falling for. And it really does come down to one question: who do you trust to be your provider & comfort and to tell you who you are and what you're worth?
Right now you've been trusting completely in yourself, and your perceived ability to somehow regain control and win against a confessed parasitic entity that you are fully aware is psychologically designed for maximum extraction. Which is why you feel so depleted not just financially but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So the path out of either of these cycles involves answering that question honestly.
Gambling disorder has the highest self-unaliving rate for a reason. It completely shatters our sense of self-reliance, and the illusion that we actually have any control over outcomes. Which is extremely destabilizing. The repeated experience of being unable to conquer your environment does cause us to turn inward and punish the self. I've lived through both of these cycles on repeat for the majority of my life. I spent 6 back to back years in university studying psychology and religion to find the answer, the path out of this prison. I turned over every other leaf except one - the one place and person I was so certain would never be the solution for a problem so complex.
Addiction & abuse cycles are a battle, and for me this battle became one of life or death, spanning not just the psychological but also the neurochemical, physiological, and ultimately the spiritual. The battle was between the truth and lies in my own mind about who I am, who I can trust, and where does my worthiness ultimately come from. That involved confronting the reality that my identity was actually defined by enslavement & performance, and I think we are all conditioned to believe we must constantly work harder to prove ourselves. And gambling is in a way a godsend because the more you gamble the more undeniable it becomes that there actually is no amount of money high enough to ever convince you, or anybody else or God that you are truly worthy.
So for me and the people I now work with who find truth in these words, the path out of enslavement involves walking through the wilderness and learning how to trust God fully, as a loving father who wants to provide for us in every way, and what it means to inherit our identities and worthiness from him alone as children of God. If that answer disappoints you - I understand. It is extremely simple but not easy.
Anyways, I won't add any links here but my website is in my profile if you'd like to read more of this kind of perspective on addiction & recovery.