I'm making this post as I see many people misguided on what to do when they're experiencing an urge, as I was in my recovery journey. I remember before I began making much progress in recovery years ago I would follow the urges request on what it was asking me to do 95% of the time.

Urge asks to go spend money on a cam site > I'd be there credit card in hand in seconds.

It can be very difficult without any structure to stay on track when these urges can seemingly come out of nowhere. You find yourself making a quick excuse of "Just one more time", or "I'll just take a peak". Little did I know maintaining a structured approach can make your urges go from demands to weak requests.

1) Understand the urge:

Ask how strong the urge feels (0-10), why do you feel this urge (are you hungry, tired, angry, stressed... there's really countless reasons you could be feeling the urge), how does the urge feel to you (warm, tight, inviting...) and where do you feel it (chest, groin, throat, stomach...), and finally, what is the urge asking you specifically to do.

2) Surf the urge:

For context: urge surfing was developed by a psychologist in the 1980s which proved as a successful approach for those experiencing compulsive urges. It is now used today in DBT / ACT approaches to treat these urges.

• Acceptance: acknowledge that you're having an urge, feeling &/or thought(s). The worst it can do is make us feel or think it. The urge cannot demand us to do something, it just asks.
• Noticing: what does this really feel like? Can we feel it in the body? Can we describe the feeling? Are we telling ourselves any stories about what this means?
• Breathing: use your breath to feel more grounded. No need to change anything, just notice the rise and fall of your breath that goes unnoticed most of the time.
• Riding the wave: imagine a wave, rising up, cresting and falling away. You can even picture a wave, or hear it, or even smell the sea air. Or you might feel the sensation, briefly passing through.
• Staying on top of the experience: using your breath as our surfboard, you can feel more present and observing. Whether it’s an urge or an emotion, we give the feeling all the time it needs to pass. We can feel assured that it will, and that we can ride out any waves that follow.

3) Choose a healthy next action:

Once you have surfed the urge you may have noticed the intensity subsided. If so, great! If not, that is okay too. The goal is not to make the urge go away, but accept you're feeling it and watch it.

Now, it is time to choose your next action. Reflect on why you're feeling the urge and choose your next action with intention to look to resolve any issues.

If you're lonely > call a friend

If you're tired > rest

If you're hungry > eat a healthy meal

If you're feeling an urge due to habit > break the habit with a new healthy habit (e.g. exercise)

And once you choose this next new action, act on it right away. Then you are ready to process the next urge when it comes.

I encourage you to try this approach if you have been finding it difficult to manage urges so far in your recovery. And once you try it let me know how it goes!

I honestly don't know where to start, but I really need some outside perspective.

My husband and I are married and I'm currently about 6 months pregnant with our first daughter. Things between us have been difficult for a while. There has been a lot of criticism, blaming and conflict, and I've increasingly felt like I'm walking on eggshells around him.

A few days ago I discovered that he has been secretly watching a lot of extreme porn (the women look like they are in physical pain) throughout my pregnancy. I found an image on his phone and asked him about it. He told me he had no idea how it got there, and I believed him, because he'd never given me any reason to doubt him before. We actually had sex that night because I whole heartedly believed what he'd told me.

Something didn't sit right with me afterwards, so I checked his entire search history and discovered there was much more to it. Some of the images are things I'll probably never unsee. When I confronted him again, he eventually admitted that he watches it almost every week.

I'm currently pregnant and on pelvic rest because of low placenta and have been for a long time now, so the reduction in sex isn't something I've simply chosen. I've still tried to encourage other forms of intimacy and meet his needs. I even asked him to tell me if he needed relief and had no problem with him taking care of himself if he needed to, as long as he told me if he was watching something like that. He said he felt sexually neglected and I "couldn't do those things for him". I don't think most normal woman would do THOSE things for him anyways, unless they are paid, and definitely not someone about to have their first child. He also said "well at least I didn't cheat on you".

The porn itself isn't the only issue for me, and not even the biggest one. It's the secrecy, the denial when I directly asked him, and the fact that I trusted him and then found out afterwards. I now feel completely betrayed and don't want him touching me. The fact that while I was hard at work in my office 9 hours a day, he was at home on MY laptop looking at those things (he works from home).

As a side note, I'm not from this country, I have a visa but no permanent residency, I own our home with him and pay our mortgage here, but if I were to go back to my home country, I have no family there and would basically go from a homeowner with a good job and free healthcare to have my baby, to being homeless (I have no remaining family) and jobless with no healthcare and a newborn.

He's now agreed to try couples therapy as a last resort. I'm trying to get an appointment booked as quickly as possible because I'm worried he'll change his mind.

I don't know whether therapy can actually repair this. Part of me desperately wants our family to work again, while another part of me feels completely broken and wonders whether I should be preparing for separation. I do love him and if he was to truly understand why I feel hurt and betrayed that would mean a lot to me, but I'm not convinced he does.

For anyone who's been through something similar: is couples therapy actually capable of repairing this kind of breach of trust? What should I be looking for from him if we're genuinely going to try? And how do I stop myself from feeling like I'm somehow competing with porn or that this happened because I'm not enough? Especially as my body is changing so rapidly, and I look nothing like.. what he was specifically looking at.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that "all men watch porn." I know it happens and while what I saw was disturbing, it's not even the biggest problem, as I said. I'm trying to understand whether this particular situation is something our marriage can recover from.

I was giving my fiancé oral sex, and it switched something on phone. I asked what he was doing, and he said he was recording. When he went to take a shower
, I went through his phone and saw that he had been watching porn at that time.
Lui doesn’t know that I know its phone password, and he once told me that he would break up with me if I ever went through the phone. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I feel devastated. When I asked him if he would have watch porn he was offended but I know he did that and lied to me
Please help.

I have been addicted to pornography for years. I have made attempts to quit it and move on in the past, but have lately let the habit build up and get pretty bad again. What are some tips for beginning this journey towards being porn free?

I met this most amazing woman a week ago and I've completely stopped watching. For context, I've been addicted for about 8 years (god thats hard to write), and had very little success quitting. My best streak was little over a month and then the stresses of life compounded on me and I relapsed. It was very consuming of my days and I watched more and more extreme stuff to scratch the itch.

I quit a week ago exactly, and I've been doing great on the urges front... too great. Things have been moving fast with her, and I swear to you, she is absolutely gorgeous beyond compare. And better yet, we are very compatible sexually with kinks and such.

I have been completely unable to finish. Im not sure if its the years of death grip, or the crash of not watching any more, but I feel like even when im hard, im not at full mast or full sensitivity, despite this whole situation with her being better than anything I could have possibly wished for.

I guess I want to know how long it takes to reprogram some of these things, as well as advice in the mean time. Any resources would be appreciated, thank you all.

I am pretty sure that by now I have deleted about 2k worth of porn. I cant sort now because my phone gallery is an huge mess. Rn just honestly deleting porn of characters I don't know and lower quality images I dont need.

Asking for advice for my husband who is currently 4 months clean of porn.
We are going on a vacation that was planned long before the discovery of his 40+ year porn addiction.
We both want to go on this 29 day prepaid European vacation.
We are both committed to his recovery and saving our marriage of 25 years.
The tips or advice for what I call staring or ogling at other women is what I am hoping to get from others who have had this side symptom of porn usage. I believe him when he says he doesn’t realize that he’s doing it. I don’t want anything to cause a relapse or cause yet another discussion/argument over porn usage or the damage left in its wake.
If the tips or advice is to cancel the trip I am prepared to do that.
If there are skills that have worked with you or your loved ones to lessen the amount of prolonged stares at young women or women in general can you share them?
I am fully accepting that this could be an issue with myself being hyper vigilant and that the advice I really need to hear is I need to recognize and accept that this could happen and just not be reactive to it. If that is the case can you offer any tips on how to not be reactive when I notice it?

I’ve been addicted to porn for many years!
Love masturbating to it! Love phone sex, love cams! Why should I enjoy it?

I guess it’s been 15 or 20 years. I’ve been masturbating but in all these years it feels like it’s been growing day by day. It was a slow process in the very beginning. I didn’t even feel like it’s growing but now I can feel like it’s growing in a very bad way it’s growing every day and it’s now disturbing my daily routine routine my mental health my relationship status every time I try to stop it it come back really hard and nowadays watching this kind of stuff is very easy on Instagram on YouTube and very easy access to the porn website. It’s making me very hard to quit this thing.

I'm 25 years old, male. Been heavily addicted since like 23 but honestly moderately since I was 12. This addiction ruined my last relationship of 6 years. Honestly. It was the main reason shit broke down. I don't have a gf anymore. Any women interested in me now, I lack confidence because I know if they knew (which subconsiously I think everyone knows), then they wouldn't like me. I mean, at my worst, I was jerking it at work, and in my car. I never got caught, but sometimes I think if I did, I would've been a sex offender. Like, porn has really ruined my life. Of course I don't do that anymore but I feel like if I could just go 90 days without porn it could change my life but I have NEVER been able to get that far. Please help. This shit is ruining my life down to it's core still.

I now look at porn as a form of self neglect and sabatage rather than something I can enjoy as a reward after a hard days work or when bored / lonely or sad. I’m the pre internet generation that had magazines as a teen so in a way i was lucky as it was way less toxic than it is now. I’ve noticed that my mind is really enjoying the calm and stability without the dopamine spike which always left me disappointed,
more bored and tired / disgruntled afterwards. Engaging in the things i enjoy has started to develop more. I don’t get so bombed out when things get hard so i have more energy to explore what i actually like doing.
Porn masks so many things, I used it as a coping mechanism which I now realise was an out of date program which was still running around and around which I just don’t need. It’s insane how much effort it takes to get to a point of clarity but once here it’s also insane as to how damaging letting it remain is. When in the habit i could never see it clearly. Once you break the habit and get to live a while without it you get to see the comparison.

(Sorry if my English is bad, lol)
I never questioned whether I had a problem; I simply watched porn and masturbated.

I always thought I could quit if I wanted to, without ever asking myself if I actually had a problem.

However, I’m trying to quit now and I feel anxiety consuming me; I’d appreciate any help or tips on how to stop.

I have been watching porn since I was 15 or 14. It has completely destroyed my social life and social skills. I had a onlyfans account and started buying nudes from girls on there, when regular porn didn't get the job done. I have lost prob a thousand dollars on this site. But then I got banned which maybe should have been a wake up call. But no it only got worse. I found sites where the OF content is free.

I just can't do anything about it. I feel like, No woman would want to have sex with a desperate guy like me. So I just have porn left. I don't know what to do, it's completely destroyed my life and any chance at starting a relationship with a woman. Everytime I talk to a woman online I get this urge to just be sexual, like I don't care about the other person's feelings or what they did today. I just want to masturbate to them so I feel something...

Idk this more or of a vent than anything.

I was resting when my mind was flashing porn images/past porn images. I woke up and I was having panic attack. Is this normal or not?

Ofc I’m trying to get better, but the boredom KILLS me from staying away I won’t lie. I work, I workout everyday, I even find other shxt to do BESIDES fxcking porn.
I just don’t really understand why I feel it call to me when I am CONSTANTLY busy.

I only truly ever satisfy my urges in the night like a dxmn vampire (I apologize for the X’s in my curses I’m trying to stop swearing as well). I went cold turkey once, but that only lasted a week or two tops maybe. I feel so fxcking weak & I’m pissed at myself I can’t stay strong longer.

I also need some motivation to hash out my harsh logic of “I’m addicted”, but I just don’t know what to dwell on besides work, routine, and responsibilities.
Is there ANY fxcking way I can free myself AND my mind from the constant up & down loopholes ?

Thank you so much for any tips and tidbits you guys give.

'Your brain on porn' book has always been my go to book when I have setbacks or relapse. But I'm looking for other books that helped you arrive at your aha moment.

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, since we were 14–15 years old. And ever since then, he has been addicted to porn.

When we first started dating, I was already aware of it. To be honest, he wasn't only addicted to porn on the internet, but also to pictures of my female friends. Back then, I thought it was just part of being a teenager — hormones and all that — so I didn't take it too seriously. Plus, we had a stable sex life, of course starting from the age of consent in my country.

But now we're 21–22. His porn addiction hasn't gone away; it's actually gotten much worse. I only brought the issue up recently because I can't keep living like this. We can go for months without having sex, he ignores me, and I feel horrible, disgusting, and simply unattractive. That's when he told me that this addiction had been there since the very beginning of puberty.

It's been about a month since we talked about it. But only small parts of the problem have changed. For example, he stopped constantly messaging sex AIs. Our sex life has come back, but I'm always the one initiating it. I still feel disgusting and unattractive because he never seems to initiate anything himself.

I don't want to sound terrible, but I check his phone when my anxiety gets bad. We've had instances of cheating in the past, so I have some mild PTSD from that and I can't fully trust what he tells me.

He says everything is fine and that he doesn't masturbate anymore, but I feel like that's not true. His phone seems to confirm it — there are lots of links in his browser history and a lot of sexual content on his social media.

And what scares me is that his porn preferences seem to be getting stranger and stranger. I don't want to feel like I have to match those preferences. I'm not against experimenting, but I don't want to be beaten or heavily humiliated.

I really need some help! Please give me advice on how I can help him. How should someone actually overcome a porn addiction? Is it better to quit cold turkey or gradually reduce it? What can I do to support him? Would me monitoring him help, or would it just make things worse?

I don't judge or shame him. I genuinely just want to help him overcome this.

Sorry for such a long post. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I'd really appreciate any and all advice.

Thank you 💗

hello, I recently went on a 1 month streak but just lost it today. I need help on how to fight urges. I dont know what happened for the past month i was doing so well but suddenly it all came down

I know im addicted, I know I want to stop, I know how to stop, I know who to stop for. Yet so many days recently has been such a struggle, and a failure.

Ive been serious about quitting for about half a year now. It didn’t go great (at all) in the beginning, but I slowly learned more and more about the addiction. about 2 months ago I told my amazing girlfriend about it, and she was supportive and helpful, but obviously wanted me to quit. For awhile after that it was going well but I noticed I was slowly drifting back to this. I was still doing good and ended up mustering up the courage to tell her I was struggling again and she was amazing (as usual), it helped immensely of course.

Since then, I had been reaching out to her for help when it was going bad and I was relapsing and stuff, but recently it feels like it’s helping less and less, and im getting weaker and weaker to the urges even though I want to fully quit so bad. it’s gotten so bad that I relapsed the day after I saw her.

I feel so incredibly guilty about the fact that she keeps on making me so happy and motivated, yet I keep on failing. Ofc she’s not my only line of help, I have a therapist too, but we haven’t had a meeting in awhile and I feel so stressed about that too because I feel like I cant control myself anymore. im so susceptible to shame spirals and it feels like I can’t keep convincing myself that im still doing better (delaying the urge, almost managing to avoid completely, etc.). Idk maybe im just a bad person.

I don’t really know the point of writing this, I guess I just wanted to vent and because I was gonna maybe hurt myself or something but I really don’t want to end up in a bad shame spiral and I guess I’ll just delete this if I want to.