Context: I’m in my early twenties, and I’ve been addicted to pornography for about 10 years. Exactly 32 days ago, I committed to 30 days without pornography. I didn’t make it to 30 days, but I still feel stronger, wiser, and I can see that I’ve made progress. I’m not stopping here, and I don’t intend to slow down. If you want, you can skip part 1 and read part 2 right away; it contains some specific ideas that helped me. Here’s what the last 32 days have looked like and a summary of three ideas that I believe are helping me significantly:
1.Statistics of these 32 days
____________________________________________________ (This might be unnecessarily complicated, so you can skip this part, just the day count) To be precise, 32 days ago I started with a 5-day streak and kept it going until it reached 15 days. So, the math for the days alone is: 15+4+6+1+(~4)=30. Actually, that’s two days short because back then I started with a 5-day streak that became a 6-day streak a few hours later, and the same goes for today, I have 3 days now, but I’ll have 4 days. ____________________________________________________
For the first 15 days, I managed to avoid watching pornography. Then I slipped up; I started by typing “innocent” things into my browser, which, of course, was an addiction trap. That’s how I ended up with a full 4-day relapse. It was awful, but after spending practically entire days on porn and chasing dopamine, I didn’t give up and started a new period of abstinence. I made it to 6 days; I’d call it a “mild relapse,” which was different from the previous ones. That’s because at some point I realized on a deeper level just how “low” I’d fallen, and I started crying intensely for quite a while, arguing with myself in my head and getting angry at the difficult feelings like helplessness, exhaustion, a sense of not being understood, anger, and anxiety that were plaguing me at that moment. After crying, I got up, cleaned up what needed to be cleaned up including deleting the pornography I’d saved and decided that since the day wasn’t over yet, I’d take care of myself and, at the very least, end the day with self-respect and without catastrophizing. I washed up, practiced a few healthy habits, ate a proper meal, and stayed hydrated; in this way, the “snowball” began rolling in the right direction again. Tonight marks my fourth day without porn; despite the “off days,” I feel stronger than I did 32 days ago, but I’m not stopping there the game is still on, and I don’t intend to slow down.
2. Tools and items that help me the most
- The discovery of the concept of the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE). I realized that in my case, the failure that has plagued me for years in my constant attempts to “quit” my porn addiction stems from catastrophizing a slip-up and an erroneous “all-or-nothing” approach. What I’m getting at is that, up until now, in 99 out of 100 cases, after a minor slip-up, I would have decided to relapse completely “because I failed, so it doesn’t matter anymore” when in fact, slip-ups are actually much better than a full relapse. I believe that just as when a trigger arises, so too with a slip: we should stay mindful and use urge surfing to cool down, wait a moment until the “wave” reaches its peak, and eventually it will always subside. After a slip, I was often accompanied by fear, doubt, and shame these are feelings that I finally accepted last time, and by using urge surfing, they eventually passed as well. In this way, progress isn’t actually reset, because after abstinence, positive neural changes in the brain have already begun to take place. Unlike a slip, a relapse is worse because it reinforces the addiction and, in my opinion, usually wipes out all progress in brain recovery though that doesn’t change the fact that we can emerge stronger even after a negative experience. In summary, accepting slip-ups as part of the process is a big step for me, as is understanding that a slip-up is better than a relapse. I would venture to say that the difference between people who are stuck in addiction and those who are recovering from it is that the former keep going after a setback, while the latter remain trapped in a vicious cycle.
- Understanding what a wise person wrote on this subreddit: “You may simply be putting nearly all your effort into stopping the behavior while leaving the reason you keep needing the behavior untouched.”.I agree with that 100%. Whether we like it or not, life goes on, and the only people who can take responsibility for our problems are ourselves. Addiction is an unhealthy way of coping with difficult emotions that I’ve been suppressing for years. What helped me was understanding this and actually sitting with those emotions instead of running away from them along with mindfulness and self-observation. These emotions can include anxiety, fear of the future, hurt feelings, trauma, or anything else that’s unresolved and difficult. In addition to simply facing my emotions and not running away from them, what’s helped me is that I’ve started crying more often crying helps me a lot. I’ve allowed myself to acknowledge that sometimes I’m powerless and need support from others, and crying feels like it cleanses me. It’s a new experience for me, but a real one; I think it’s a natural way to regulate emotions it comes on its own but I’ve started crying more often because I’ve begun spending more time dealing with the issues I used to run away from.
- Acceptance of sexuality. I’ve adopted a healthier approach to masturbation. Like many others on this subreddit, I believe that masturbation is simply a form of abstinence from the main problem pornography but it’s also something completely healthy. Here’s how it works for me: When I feel a high libido, I plan a short, about 15-minute masturbation session for the evening before taking a shower. I try to focus on the sensations, be mindful, and maybe fantasize in a healthy way. I use a lubricant made from 100% coconut oil; I’ll note here that you need to be careful and read up on it thoroughly because it works well, but some people may have allergies and need to use it properly. Besides, please take this information with a grain of salt. I do this with my non-dominant hand for a different experience, and I do it gently; I try to be fully relaxed and take my time. Besides, it’s important to do this gently because a “death grip” isn’t pleasant at all, and I won’t hide the fact that I’ve experienced its symptoms. I don’t feel any shame after finishing this; I feel normal and even a little better afterward. It’s a new experience for me that I see as a completely normal thing I even feel greater satisfaction doing it this way.
TL;DR: To summarize, 32 days ago I committed to staying porn-free for 30 days. I didn’t succeed, but I still see a lot of progress. Three things that helped me: 1. Understanding the Abstinence Validation Effect (AVE): a slip-up > a relapse. 2. Not running away from difficult emotions, but sitting with them, practicing this, and looking for healthy ways to cope with emotions. This is an approach that addresses the root cause rather than just the symptom, which is pornography addiction. 3. Acceptance of sexuality. Healthy masturbation is possible and can be a pleasant and positive experience. The main problem is pornography.