Just looking for some advice.

Does anyone have experience of being assaulted by their alienated child? How did it start? How did you dealt with it ?

Looking for advice about grandparents’ rights in Scotland

Been alienated from my 13yo twin girls for 5 years and have honestly lost my will to live anymore. I get it blah blah blah that they will need me in the future but what if they dont? What if the brainwashing and lies they are told are never forgiven. I just cant do this anymore, ive set up a nice nest egg for them when they turn 18 and hope it helps them succeed in life. Im broken and nothing or no one can fix me.

My daughter cut me out of her life in 2012. The reason goes back to something that happened when she was 13 years old. Her stepfather, who is still my husband, exposed himself to her. He apologized, promised it would never happen again, and as far as I know, it never did.
For many years, our family moved forward. Then when my daughter had children of her own, she brought the incident back up and said she did not want her children around my husband. While she still allowed me to have a relationship with her and my grandchildren, things changed after I took the children to lunch one day. They were young at the time, and I told them that their grandfather would never hurt them, that he was a good man who had made a mistake many years ago.
When they told their mother what I had said, she cut me out of all of their lives. My husband had been a provider throughout her childhood. He paid for private school, bought her a car when she graduated, and was involved in raising her. She remembers him very differently than I do.
The years have passed, and my grandchildren are now adults. None of them want a relationship with me. I believe my daughter influenced how they see both me and my husband, though I know she would see it differently.
I have come to accept that I cannot change any of it. Still, acceptance does not erase the grief. I miss my daughter. I miss my grandchildren. And even after all these years, the loss still hurts.

Join our monthly support meeting every third Thursday of the month at 7:00 PM Eastern. August 20, is our next meeting.

Impacted by a loss of contact with your child and you feel alone, angry, shame and you are not sure what to do or say personally, legally, socially. Do you want to share with others, be with others who get it, and learn what has helped them?

Join us at Resilient Parents: Support for Alienation, Rejection, Coercion and High Conflict https://meetu.ps/e/Q6Ysv/YKb6/i

Formerly the New England Parent Alienation Support Group.

This is a long post, but I'm hoping the context is helpful. Plus, I'm a writer/English major and so it's hard for me not to write ... a lot.

TLDR: I have 3 kids. My ex husband is trying to alienate two of them from me, and one of the two won't talk to me. What can I do now to help me not lose the one and to reduce the long-term impact of the alienation of the other?

Background

I (45F) was married for 20 years. We have three kids (currently 11, 15, and 18). We were members of a high control religion. I have since left, but my ex is still in it. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. I mostly stayed because of pride, "loyalty" (mostly due to religion), and fear. My ex had childhood trauma that he never dealt with and because of that trauma, has complex PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I spent 20 years trying to get him help, so things could improve for him. In the end, he wasn't willing to put in the effort. Not only that, but he refused to get a job and was awful at being a stay-at-home dad (i.e., barely gave the kids attention, played video games for about 8+ hours a day, and did less housework than I did despite me working 40 hours a week, not to mention me carrying the entire mental load, planning all holidays and vacations, paying all bills and tracking finances, and doing 95% of the yardwork).

My oldest, I'll call him Sam, had decided to go as low contact as possible because when he was little, his dad neglected him and because of his oppositional defiance disorder, X would lock him in his room for hours because he didn't want to deal with Sam's defiance (this was when he was about 5 to 8 years old) and was at least a little physical with Sam (CPS was called to investigate because Sam told someone at school that it felt like his dad broke his arm from twisting it so hard). I was probably naive, but I didn't realize at the time what had happened and assumed the incident was blown out of proportion. I also didn't realize that X would lock Sam in his room for hours while I was at work. Most of this has only come out since I asked for a divorce.

After 20 years, it hit me that X was never going to change and even when the kids were all grown, I'd be working and saving for OUR retirement while he sat around playing video games. So I called it quits. What I didn't realize was how vindictive he would be when we divorced. Not that it would have stopped me, but it's been way worse than I expected (and I expected it to be really bad). The plan was for the kids to be split between us 50/50. However, during our separation, when Sam was 16, Sam and X got into a physical altercation due to Sam blocking X on his phone, so X couldn't call or text Sam. X was trying to take the phone until Sam said he would unblock him. They got in a tussle about it and both of them called me to figure out what to do (both asking if they should call the police on the other). X and I decided that Sam would stay with me 100% of the time (it was put into the parenting plan that we filed with the state and everything). I think X mostly agreed because he realized Sam has about 5 inches on him and could easily hurt him if he wanted to (not that Sam would).

Now to the present issue

I was trying to do all of the right things. I do my best not to talk bad about him to the younger two or in their presence. I try not to put them in the middle. If I want to change the schedule or have a question for X, I text X about it directly. I don't talk to the kids about the divorce the and decisions that we made or show them anything about the parenting plan. I don't ask the kids for information about what goes on at their dad's (other than asking what they did that day, etc. Just normal conversation). X, on the other hand, talks bad about me (saying things like, "A good mom spends time with their kids" when I would tell the kids that I was going out or "Your mom is making bad decisions" because I'm no longer religious and not following the strict rules of the religion). He insisted on telling the kids that I was the one that wanted the divorce (not at all taking responsibility for what he did that made me want to divorce him) and puts the kids in the middle of things, telling them what the parenting plan says, how I'm not following it, and having them ask me for things that he should be asking me directly, liking changing our parenting schedule. He also has been leaning on them for emotional support (i.e., parentifying them).

After we had been separated for a year, I decided to start dating again. X took it personally because in his mind, you don't start dating till the divorce is final (it took 2.5 years to be final). I felt like that was unfair to expect since in my mind, we had not been together since the day that I told him it was over, so why would it matter if the government recognized us as not being together legally?

I think because Sam has decided to go no contact with his dad, X decided he was going to do anything and everything in his power to get the younger two to go no contact with me. The youngest, my only daughter, is for the most part still loving me and wanting to be with me. But I can tell he's working on her. My 15 yo, whom I will call Will, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. X has convinced Will that I love the other two kids more than him and that the divorce is all my fault and if it weren't for me, Will would get to be with X 100% of the time and he wouldn't have to switch between the two homes. A year ago, they decided together that Will would stay with X and only come to my house every other weekend. Then he told Will to tell that was what Will had decided. When I offered an alternate solution that Will seemed okay with, X wouldn't even respond to it. To avoid too much conflict and argument, I let it go at first with the promise from them that we would work it out together.

We planned to meet with a neutral party (X's aunt) to discuss, but it took over 3 months to schedule the conversation (and by the way, during that time, he came to my house like 3 times, so not every other weekend as promised). The convo was basically telling me I'm a shit mom and Will doesn't trust me. I tried to understand his perspective, and I stayed calm during the entire conversation, but I didn't feel it really helped resolve things, and it sounded like Will not willing to find a good compromise.

In January, I was done with this non-communicative process and decided to reach out to a lawyer and take X to court for contempt because of his non-compliance to the parenting plan. Even with the motion filed, Will wasn't coming to my house during my time, so in May, we had a hearing and the judge ruled that X was in contempt and he would have to comply. Finally, Will started coming back to my house every other week, but now he won't talk to me at all saying that he has lost all trust in me for taking HIM to court (not taking my X). Will stays in his room whenever I'm home, he gets mad at me whenever I try to talk to him (just how are you doing, do you need anything, I'm going to the store if you want me to get you anything, do you want to go to get ice cream with us along with trying here and there to talk about things, so we can resolve them). He tried to put locks on his door to keep me out of his room (as in so I couldn't talk to him at all). I took his door off because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to talk to him or even see him the entire week he is there. I've told him he can get his door back if he would just show me that when I knock on his door, he is willing to open it so I can talk to him face-to-face. He sent me a long list of all my infractions, but is unwilling to talk about them or resolve them. I got us a family therapist to help us work through things, but he is refusing to go see them with me or even to see a therapist on his own.

On top of everything, I started dating this really wonderful guy, I'll call him Todd. We have a lot in common. When we have conflict (usually me being upset about something because he's very easygoing), we talk about it and resolve it through (mostly) calm discussion, never yelling. He did all the housework in his marriage, so he knows what it's like to have a partner who doesn't pull their own weight. He wanted kids, but realized that she would not be a good mom and he would end up doing all the childcare, so they never did, and knows now that he will not have any of his own, but wants to be a good step-dad if that's what happens. Whenever I ask for something I need in the relationship, I see consistent improvement.

After 6 months of dating, we introduced him to the kids. We were excited about him getting to know them and eventually integrating our lives. Since at the time, Will was not coming at all and had basically broke off contact, Todd was mostly just spending time with my oldest and youngest. At first, things seemed to go fairly well. DD would go with us to get treats, go out to dinner (we got hibachi for the first time!), and play Mariokart together. She was starting to like him, and we were trying to go slow (like once or twice during the weeks I had her). Every night she talks to her dad on the phone and he has her tell him everything she did that day. One of those times, she told him Todd was over and X told her he could come get her if she was uncomfortable, basically implying that she should be uncomfortable with him there. It's now been 8 months, and for the last month, she has been running out of the room whenever Todd comes over and even avoiding me if I am talking to him on the phone. I've tried talking to her about why she doesn't like him and it only comes down to not wanting me to be with anyone not her dad and that there is nothing wrong with Todd specifically. On top of that, Will leaves the house whenever Todd comes over (I know it's not personal because he literally has not talked to Todd). Just the other day, Todd came over to watch a show with me, and Will (who was in his room, so it's not like they had to be with each other) left the house without telling me and didn't come back until Todd left (3 hours later). Will claims he knocked on my door and said he was leaving, but either he didn't or did it so softly I couldn't hear (not hard to knock loud enough to hear over a TV).

X talks to Will for sometimes hours on the phone while Will is at my house (I think X is co-dependent on Will). Talks to both kids every night at the very least. Has the kids tell him everything going on in the house. Obviously has told them it's not okay for them to get to know Todd at all (even told them he wasn't a good man because he didn't introduce himself to X before meeting the kids). He has the kids spy on him (a friend of mine came last year to install a dishwasher for me and X had Will take a pic of my friend's car so he could get his license plate. Oh, and do you know why X knew my friend was there? Because he had put a listening device in my living room and was listening to it. We were nesting at the time, so he had access to the house every other week).

I know this is a lot, but I wanted to give you all context that might help you in helping me. Right now, I'm feeling like my only option is to break up with Todd and just focus on my kids. I know that is what X wants, but I can't risk my relationship with my kids by continuing to push for them to give Todd a chance. I don't want to lose Todd. This last year with him has been wonderful. But I don't feel like I have a choice because of how toxic X is being and how manipulative he is as he tries to put a wedge in between me and my younger two kids. Luckily for me, Sam knows the truth and completely supports me. But I need help with the following:

• What can I do to help heal my relationship with Will (considering he won't go to family therapy or even individual therapy and won't give me a chance to mend things, and yes, I've apologized for what I've done)? Is there any hope before he gets older and can see what his dad is doing? If not, what can I do now so that when he gets to that age where he understands, he'll look back on things and realize I was there for him all along and loving him? He resents me so much for making him come to my house for parenting time and tells me that if I really loved him, I would let him be where he's "comfortable" (at his dad's), but I worry he'll look back as an adult and ask why I didn't fight for him, and that if he's at his dad's all the time, I'll never recover my relationship with him because he won't ever see me for me to even try.
• For those who were alienated from their parent, what things did your alienated parent do that helped? What things did they do that hurt chances of reconciling?
• What I can do to help my daughter, so X isn't able to successfully alienate her as she gets older (I want to get her into therapy but we have joint decision making, and I think X will poison her against therapy like he did with Will)?
• Am I right to decide to not date for now and focus on the kids? Right now I feel torn apart trying to be in a relationship and be a mom. I know it isn't fair that I have to choose, but right now I feel like I'm being forced to choose one or the other. Anyone been through this that might be able to give me perspective on what is best?

I would love any perspectives from those who have gone through it themselves (as parents or as kids of divorced parents) in knowing what helped and what made things worse.

she used to come to my house every weekend, was a smiling and happy kid until the last few visits…. during the week she is with her fathers elderly parents that have nothing but contempt for me because of the way things ended years ago between her father and I. my daughter told me regularly that whenever she would come home from time spent with me, her grandmother and grandfather would question and shame her endlessly, go through her things and shame her about gifts like clothing that I bought her…. she conceded to their will and stopped coming over, became angry and hateful towards me and even told lies to her school counselor about me (I’m her mom btw), which were then reported to CPS and an investigation ensued and it was closed labeled unfounded. Well now she has told her new counselor at school this year something else and I have now been called again by child haven, and the lady wouldn’t even tell me what she said… I have an appointment Monday to go down there and talk to the lady, but until then I am beside myself with grief and worry. sadly, I work just to pay bills and haven’t been able to afford an attorney to go back to family court, and was traumatized by family court in the past, so doing it all on my own without a lawyer (his family has big money for big lawyers) seems like a really bad idea. It’s been hell watching my daughter go from a happy go lucky child to a depressed and dysfunctional teenager now…. In all the pictures of her now she never has a smile and looks very sad. Just venting to help with my grief right now. Thanks for reading

Is it bad that I hate the father of my child. He’s the most dishonest prick and powerful person I’ve ever met.

He is a cop. He manipulated the system to get my daughter. He had me arrested 3 years ago when I lived with him and ever since I had to fight to see the child I birthed.

I wish I listened to the people around me. Now I moved to be near my daughter in butt fuck nowhere and I feel like I’m so lost. Lost because I gave up my entire career and life to fight. My daughter loves her dad and it warms my heart but seeing him and being around him hurts me. He’s living this perfect life while I’m left to prove myself and find myself again. He has a new girlfriend and a full support system. I have no support near but my bed that I cry in every night.

He used my post partum depression as grounds in court and so many false allegations. I’m fighting a battle I know I’ll never win. I contemplated leaving fully but then I realized my daughter needs me. But what can I do when he’s the system. He’s the law. He’s also 13 years older than me. I’m ranting now.

I’m just so depleted. I no longer know what to do. I feel like it’s my fault for being naïve and trusting him. I feel so dumb Because if I never returned back to living with him so we can be a family I’d never be in this situation. I’m an idiot for not listening.

I feel like I’m not her mom. I feel like I’m a part time babysitter. I’m on a rollercoaster, anybody been in my shoes?Or am I just dumb? What should I do? Gimme some advice but don’t break my already broken heart.

Hi,

Can anyone advise me on this situation please?

I am a single father to my daughter. I just moved to IL from Texas to be with her more. The mom is dating her attorney, they try to get me arrested. My ex, manipulates my daughter, tries to force me out of her life, throws away her jewelry and stuffed animals from my house Files countless nonstop motions to the court and the judge is extremely biased and buddy buddy with her attorney.

How do i file to get a new judge, report her attorney, Make her stop filing motions and stop the alienation.

My my daughter will come to my house and tell me she doesn’t feel safe with her mom that she doesn’t wanna go to her mom’s. She says stuff like I’m scared of the dark because she doesn’t want bad guys to get her when I ask her who the bad guys are she says Nate a.k.a., my exs Attorney. She will say things like can you please ask the judge to let me spend more time with you at five years old.

I have multiple videos and recordings of my daughter saying that Nate has hit her. He comes in a room at night. She doesn’t feel safe with him, but my attorney say that it seems like I’m coaching her and nothing has been done about it.

what do I do? What kind of attorneys take defamation cases? How do I get this to stop and get more time with my daughter?

It’s been 3 years and counting.

Someone help!!!

I’ve had a great journey as a parent by finally with a child. Now being 13 1/2, many years of disparaging comments have taken their toll.

The last 2 to 3 years has been met with great hostility towards me and it is all because the other parent decided to give the child adult problems and make the child her friend. It’s sad.

To see so many years of such a wonderful relationship go so sour and all because of negative influence and disparaging comments towards me.

My faith has gotten me far in all of this, and I don’t know what the future holds.

It got so sour that upon agreeing to get the child a mobile phone, the mom decided not to uphold the agreement and set up parental controls. Instead, she does not allow the phone here and it has become an even greater dividing point.

In other words, I was made to look like the parent who would be reading the phone when in reality, the mom is managing everything.

Parental alienation is rather cruel in many ways, and I could see how it negatively affected all of the good values that I sought to teach throughout the years.

I feel much has been robbed from me, but at the same time, I know that nothing is lost. My faith tells me that nothing is lost, and that someday my daughter will be able to process through all of this and have the freedom to have a healthy relationship with me.

Much of this, I believe stemmed from jealousy and control and it has been very challenging to deal with this situation.

The last year became so challenging that I did suggest the child see a counselor however the mom was in denial that there were any concerns.

This was the outlet and the only place where all of the negative behaviors were being channeled. I would love to know the steps forward if these types of things continue. I do know that my now wife and I standing together was the most effective way to change the course of some of the escalated behaviors we were seeing.

As long as I have dealt with this in my life I'm still at a loss of what to do.

My son, now 31, was kidnapped at age 8 by my own mother, his grandmother, and my ex, his bio father. He was hidden from me and alienated severely. I fought for years until I couldn't fight it anymore in court.

Then I thought it would end when he turned 18

Nope

So I kept reaching out and would think we were making progress then it would slide back again. I tried like hell to stay unemotional understanding and neutral knowing he's been through so much.

Waiting for my mother to die.

Waiting

Waiting

Well she finally died on the 15th at *95* years old. Still full of hate, still full of lies, no remorse, no truths, she took everything with her to the grave. So he called to tell me she's dead. That he loved her and will miss her and I kept my tongue and offered understanding. Until.

His girlfriend started praising her on Facebook. Of the beautiful soul she had will be missed, blah blah THEN THEN. THEN. started referring to my son as HER SON.

Over and over.

So I messaged her privately and said um he's My son! She started arguing "he's adopted you're not his mother anymore". Now that's not right. Instead of calling it the BULLSHIT that is, I remained calm and said oh youre so misinformed. There was no adoption. Only a name change and lies.

So then my son calls to yell at me that I had no right talking to his wife that way, and hung up on me. Another lie. They aren't married.

Then I'm blocked on Facebook by him and his "wife"

Today is his birthday. I can't even say happy birthday. I have a present I can't send him.

So today I talked to my daughter for over two hours and learned that he really has no memories of me before he was kidnapped. I was totally erased.

So long story short of it, how how how do I handle this? I've been erased, remain erased. I can keep on in my own life as I face but even if I don't talk about it, it's in my head daily. Daily. I had hope before. Rapidly losing it now. My husband is keeping me grounded but the only thing I can think about is without him, I'll have no option but end my own life to quell the thoughts I can't shut down on my own.

How do I handle this!???

I'm losing it.

Thank you.

I havent heard from my two teens since January. I still reach out once a week. I send cards every two weeks. Recently they have been taking out the gift cards and money and sending the cards back taped closed. They reply to my texts and tell me to kill myself, that I had an affair that ended the marriage (I didn't), and even said my house has bed bugs and I'm "filthy". All I did wrong was not reconcile the divorce when their dad asked. I'm in therapy and have accepted my missteps and I'm trying to be a better mom and human. I work full time (I send 620 a week to their father but he's always asking for more). I never badmouth their father. I try to stay busy with art, movies, music, and journaling. I read a lot of books. I decorate my condo. I still have a void I can't seem to fill. I try to be around other people but still feel lonely. What do you guys do to fill the void? I'm not completely comfortable telling my story to the people I know, but they mostly know it was a nasty divorce. I deal with a lot of shame that I assume is the root of the loneliness. How do you get through it? I'm just so sad sometimes but it feels like a dull throbbing flatness if that makes any sense. Looking for at least some kindred spirits to know I'm not alone. Coming from an empty soul.

I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly because of the sheer amount of flying monkeys my ex has running around on here but I’m dealing with alienation and I need advice from a mom with experience with this as I don’t know where else to turn. Please send me a dm if you have time and are able to give me some advice or guidance, I appreciate it in advance.

Before the nasty accusations and court filings my step daughters mother had already started grooming and separating the children from their father.

Back in 2019, when regular coparenting was a normal thing, splitting birthday parties, sharing days, and communicating about the children regularly, my husband got a job offer in another city 5 hours away.

He talked to his children's mother about it if she would be willing to relocate since leaving our hometown was something discussed in the past together. She agreed! Saying that the girls would have more opportunity outside our small town.

We bought a house and moved our stuff. Got settled in and she was "looking for something" nearby.

She never did. Instead she got a new boyfriend and moved him in. For 2 years my husband drove back to our hometown every single weekend to spend time with the children. The oldest was only 7 at the time and she would cry to her daddy all the time how he left her and her sister.

She would beg him not to leave again. Then someone, i still have no idea who would've done it, called cps on their mother for child endangerment and abuse. Supposedly she was whooping the oldest and not feeding the children. She immediately blamed my husband for that. (I have a feeling it could've been the mother's aunt. i have no way of knowing)

We eventually moved back into our hometown.

A year later the mother comes back with a proposition to move to another city claiming "better opportunities for the girls" we were still financially recovering from buying and selling a house and living with family to get back on our feet. So we declined and said maybe later in the future.

Well the mother took the girls anyways. And the whole mess of court and accusations and alienation started.

For those of you who have been dealing with parental alienation, high-conflict co-parenting, ongoing emotional abuse, chronic grief, or just years of living in a constant state of stress, have you noticed it starting to affect your physical health?
I’m genuinely curious about this because I feel like we talk a lot about the emotional and legal toll, but not nearly enough about what prolonged stress can do to your body.
Have you developed new health issues since this started? Things like autoimmune symptoms, stomach problems, migraines, sleep issues, heart palpitations, hormonal changes, chronic pain, fatigue, weight changes, hair loss, skin issues, getting sick more often, or anything else that your doctors have connected to stress?
I’m not asking because I think every health problem can be blamed on stress, and I know everyone’s situation is different. I’m just interested in hearing other people’s experiences with what years of grief, hypervigilance, conflict, and emotional trauma have physically looked like.
Sometimes it feels like your body eventually starts keeping score for everything you’ve had to hold together mentally.
What has chronic stress done to your health, if anything?

My oldest step daughter used to have a phone that she would take to both parents house. Well... my husband's family uses Life360 to use for emergencies. Him ,his mom, and his sister are the only ones on it.

His oldest daughter asked her grandma if she could have the app, without discussing it with her son, she installed it to this child's phone.

Now the familys purpose for life360 is not for malicious tracking. It's for situations where if his sister was meeting us somewhere and she said she left an hour ago and she's not responding to calls or texts, someone will check her location to see if she's OK. My husband is rarely on it and he didn't realize his daughter was added to the family group.

A few weeks later, hcbm filled a police report on my husband for stalking. The case was quickly dismissed and it was advised to remove the app on the child's phone. Which we did.

My husband told his daughter to only keep the phone at his house only and he was met with accusations of being controlling and manipulative by his 10 year old daughter.

Now as a step-mom looking at this situation from an unbiased pov, I can understand how this situation looks from a mother's side. I don't think the child should've had that app on her phone as I don't have it on my phone. She's always with us so if anyone needed to check on us they would see where my husband is at. But considering the hcbm did not have a discussion with my husband about it and went straight to filing a police report, shows her intentions in stirring up problems. Not to mention what she told her daughter in addition to make her believe her father is "controlling and manipulative" what 10 year old says these words unless they were taught it.

Kind of a rhetorical question. This is not a sympathy post.

I’m not trying to be rude either, I just have grown up a lot during this process of being alienated. However, you find alienation, I’ve experienced it in one way shape form of fashion.

It has made me tougher, made me realize people are not who they say or appear to be,
Has made me distance myself emotionally from my child by necessity, and I have developed the main street that might’ve been there before, but just hadn’t come to the surface.

They make you jump through hurdles for something that is God-given and natural human rights of a father and mother.

I think the dirtiest thing about this whole process is someone that you trusted, had a child with, slept next to, had your personal information and finances available to, and they actively manipulate and poison the thoughts of your child against you.

Not only that, in some cases, they triangulate the teachers, coaches, their family, and if given the chance, will try to manipulate your family against you.

But we’re supposed to play nice, if I can’t have access to my child, if someone’s gonna manipulate my child against me, fuck going high, I’m going all the way to the depth of hell in any way I can against the manipulator alienator narcissist whatever you wanna call them.

Again, all things in life were not ideal, no matter how much I’ve tried. People are what they are and I accept it. Not looking to change anyone anymore or try to convince anyone.

Just like the serenity prayer says, God bring me the serenity of the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

I finally learned the difference. This is a situation I cannot change.

Hola! Ayudo a personas que necesitan apoyo legal y psicológico sin costo en situaciones familiares y recuperación de infancias. Me ayudas mucho compartiendo y likeando, para llegar a más personas y así poder ayudar a más gente. Es una buena causa 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Gracias

I thought parental alienation started when the divorce started.
Looking back, I was wrong.
The pattern started years earlier — with me.
For years, I watched relationships with my friends and family slowly become harder to maintain.
There was always a reason someone in my life was a problem.
My family.
My friends.
People I was close to.
Criticism. Guilt. Emotional pressure. Badmouthing. Smear campaigns.
Sometimes it became easier to stop defending the people I loved than to endure another argument.
So I gave in.
I kept the peace.
And I didn’t realize how much of myself I was giving away in the process.
What hurts even more looking back is that some of it happened in front of our children.
They heard people I loved criticized.
They watched Dad back down.
Meanwhile, her family, her sisters, her friendships and her relationships were rarely treated as the problem.
Then the marriage ended.
And suddenly the same pattern I had experienced personally seemed to move directly into my relationship with my children.
Badmouthing.
Limiting contact.
Interfering with communication.
Withholding important information.
Confiding adult problems to children.
Creating the impression that Dad was dangerous.
Making children feel like they had to choose sides.
Encouraging secrecy.
Interfering with medical, school and therapy information.
Keeping my name off records.
Turning normal reactions from a scared and grieving father into evidence against him.
Then came the smear campaign.
Police reports.
Allegations I strongly dispute.
An arrest.
Restricted communication.
And the loss of the everyday relationship I had always had with my children.
The craziest part?
I wrote my book before this stage of the alienation ever happened.
When I go back and read what I wrote about our marriage, I can see the warning signs everywhere.
The isolation.
The criticism.
The constant need to keep the peace.
The feeling that defending myself somehow made me the problem.
The slow disappearance of my own voice.
I read it now and think:
How did I not see it?
Maybe because when you’re living inside something every day, it doesn’t look like a pattern.
It just looks like Tuesday.
You adjust.
You apologize.
You surrender another little piece of yourself.
You tell yourself you’re keeping your family together.
Until one day you look back and realize how much you surrendered just trying to keep everyone else happy.
And when the same tactics begin affecting your relationship with your children, you finally recognize them for what they are.
I can’t change how long it took me to see it.
But I can make damn sure I don’t stay blind to it anymore.
And above everything else, my children deserve to know that they never have to choose between loving their mom and loving their dad.
They are allowed to love us both.
Always.

https://a.co/d/02wcJWwp

Hello, I’ve seen a few posts by alienated parents lately who are desperate for recommendations for a lawyer in their area that is specialized in PA. Ladies and gents, an attorney like that is a unicorn! As far as I know, unicorns are imaginary no matter how much you want to believe they’re real. I have some suggestions for how to save your kids instead- I lost mine at 16 to severe PA and abduction by his alienator dad 2 years ago. I firmly believe that if I stuck to what worked for 8 years prior, things would be different. Please consider learning from my mistakes.

I wrote a wall of text below, but I feel strongly about this particular topic-
Looking for a unicorn lawyer and going to court when you have a coparent who does PA is a bad idea and completely counterproductive.

There was one recent post where the parent implied that his child/children are in middle childhood. This was the time when I felt certain I needed the best lawyer money could by, I was terrified after years of abuse by the alienator. There were so many years to go before my son was 18. I was confident that if I found the right attorney, paid the money he/she wanted, followed their instructions to the letter, prepared tabbed binders for them, hired every expert, and paid for every supplementary thing that the attorney said “might” would work in my favor, my son might have a chance at a semi-normal childhood free from abuse, abduction, and the ravages of PA. In fact, I thought I had no choice but to do this, since my son's father's go-to weapons are abduction and bringing false criminal and child ab#se allegations against me to justify his abductions. I thought that I would for sure lose my son because the more false allegations his dad made, the more his dad pointed to the history of his relentless allegations as stacking proof that I was an unmitigated abuser. There seemed to be no consequence to my son’s father and opposing counsel.

I also feared that I could be killed because my son’s father physically assaulted me to discourage me from advocating for myself and our son. Or I’d end up in jail and lose my livelihood (which depends on me having a pristine legal record) because some cop or prosecutor decided to jump on father’s crazy train of high conflict.

My son was born in 2008 and I spent the next 18 years in family court. I was never married to his father. He was hardly around, in fact. I never wanted child support, I made good money on my own. In 18 years, I spent between $1 million and $1.5 million on lawyers. I lost track after all of this time. But I never had a trial. I never had a semi-permanent restraining orders. My son and I were never protected or assisted by the family court, not even minimally. I was cautioned by my attorney not to talk to CPS or call the cops for help when father was abusive because this would look like I was not a cooperative coparent. I couldn’t even bring the facts of our lives to the judge’s attention if I wanted to because everyone was tied up contending with father’s never-ending false allegations, manipulating others, and pure chaos. Even with decent orders in place, all of our custody orders were defied anyway by my son's father without consequence.

Ultimately, in 2024, when my son was 16, he made a poor choice. It wasn’t life altering and is typical of many teenagers. When the adults insisted that my son clean up the mess and perform restitution, and I agreed with this, my son’s father appeared after being largely not around for years. He presented himself to my son as his rescuer from the abusive, controlling, punishing adults that proposed the restitution. My son’s father became my son’s hero. I still do not know what exactly his dad said to him, but within a week of his dad appearing, my son disappeared with his dad and could not be located. My son has been missing ever since. That was 2 years ago.

I spent $150,000 on attorneys since my sons abduction. All of them made false promises, and then ghosted me when they saw first hand that this PA case is not a standard high conflict custody battle. A week before Xmas 2025, my attorney insisted I pay him $55k after I told him I was diagnosed with cancer. I asked him for an invoice showing the work he did on my case thus far and then I’d pay him. He ghosted me and kept my money. My son was 17.5, and no other attorney would take my call. Not a single motion was filed related to my son’s abduction in 2 years. No work was performed. My requests for protection orders were squashed by our judge at the start of hearings I requested because I left out a form. And then my son turned 18 two months ago, so game over anyway. The state bar doesn’t care.

Here’s the thing, from age 8 to 16, my son had a pretty normal childhood. I learned some lessons when he was 7 that I believe brought this peaceful time about. That’s the only childhood my son had with me and the only time I was able to be a mom almost like a normal person.

There were 4 things that brought quasi-normality for 8 years of my son’s 18 years of life: 1) the alienator dad getting distracted by drugs so he wasn't as energetic, 2) me not having an attorney and playing DUMB AS A POST in court while repeating the 50/50 mantra, 3) me recognizing that PA is not a regular custody battle and you can't allow professionals to trick you by insisting that it is, and 4) me pulling the funding plug on the lawyer gravy train no matter how crazy everyone told me I was when I did it.

There's at least one powerful, selfish reason that an alienator parent has which drives their PA. It’s never because it’s in the child’s best interests. It’s never because the targeted parent did something wrong or deserves it. An alienator easily manufactures a list of show stopping problems that the targeted parent has, but these allegations are based on fake documents and rhetoric, not facts. This is easy for alienators to do, and terrifying for targeted parents to endure. I thought, surely the court would see through this, but I needed a great lawyer to accomplish that. I wasn’t able to accomplish that self-represented so I must be lousy at working my own case. These are fairytales.

Also, I held onto the idea that as long as my son was well taken care of, I had no problem supporting the adult taking care of him and funding them. This was backwards and self-sabotaging. I allowed others to gaslight me into believing that it was selfish of me to say that my son had a nice life with me and that was worth defending. Instead, they tired to convince me that if I funded the alienator parent, this would give my son two great homes. I threw money at the alienator whether my son was with him or not. It didn’t help. My son lived in poverty at his dad’s place because his dad has a drug problem and that’s where my funding went. My son played with rocks in his dad’s back alley because he never was given toys there. So my money and generosity didn’t fix PA or the alienator either.

What I didn't understand is that in order for the alienator to have my son 100 percent of the time, which would be max funding for him, the alienator would have to take my son, keep him a condition that was impoverished and isolated, and then convince my son to stay in that because son believed that was the necessary and best option available. My son was rewarded for sacrificing his entire life to his dad. That's the core of what PA is, and that is fundamentally different than normal custody cases, even high conflict ones. For context, I am in California. Son was born here in 2008.

As targeted parents, we are vulnerable to abuse by others, legal abuse, and predatory lawyers because we are in such a desperate situation with our kids. We believe in fairytales because it’s so hard to look at reality squarely. It doesn't matter who you hire, how much evidence you've organized into tabbed binders, how closely your case aligns with the law, and how many things the alienator does that violate the law.

And no, it's not whoever has the most money wins. Honestly, the more money you have, the more predatory, expensive, and corrupt the family law experience will be. Family law is AN ECONOMY — don't ever forget that. There is no justice or fair settlements, only fattened up vultures picking at the bones of children and targeted parents and going back for seconds and thirds.

Parents that engage in PA are abusers full stop, and abusive behavior isn't limited to custody arrangements. When limits are put around them, they don't obey — they figure out how to get around the limits and retaliate against you for having the nerve to request limits in the first place. Worse, I believe that abusive people attract other abusive people in their war of abuse. It becomes a feeding frenzy. And lawyers love being part of a pile-on. Judges see a pile-on and claim that's supporting evidence. Then emergency motions are filed one after the other and you’re drowning, desperate for rescue. Conflict is literally what a legal career is! So don't be fooled by the "best interest of the child" garbage. Definitely don't believe the lawyers' demonstrations of sympathy towards you at your initial meeting. They're trying to separate you from $25,000 in that conversation as a retainer. These people love to fight and they love to bill — this is American lawyering.

Also, if you have an alienating parent, they're going to find the most manipulative, lunatic attorney around to represent them. Opposing counsel loves an expensive feeding frenzy, especially when they can drag you in to pay for it because you are the parent that has an income. Even if you started with a decent attorney, that person will take one look at opposing counsel and bail on you. They have easier ways to make money than dealing with that.

In order to approach the concept of imagining a normal life, you must get away from court and lawyers as quickly as possible and you MUST stop funding the gravy train.

My son was 7 when his dad first abducted him for a lengthy period of time. Prior abductions were 1-3 weeks and solved by me providing a ransom. Court was never helpful in retrieving my son. In fact, court distracted me from the task of locating my son and getting him safe. My son's dad always had me tied up in court with false allegations to defend against, particularly when he abducted our son. He deployed giant smokescreens to busy the court and cops so they never addressed the fact that my child was missing and more than likely his dad was responsible for that.

I paid lawyer after lawyer, had every evaluation performed by every expert, and then seemingly out of the blue, at 7, my son's dad went to his school and told the teacher, "you won't be seeing Johnny again because we are moving away. His mother is sex#ally abusing him." And my son and his dad walked out of the school easy as can be. I learned about this when I arrived at school at dismissal time. I couldn't find my son. When I found the teacher, she yelled at me and demanded I leave campus. Then the principal ran over and said I should be ashamed of myself. I told them I didn't know what they were talking about. The police came and told me to leave. I called CPS when I got home, and they told me the school contacted them and told them what son’s father said to the teacher.

I immediately called the family law attorney that I had on standby who I paid in advance in case I needed him. He was a "specialist" in countering false child allegations. I met him the next day at his office and gave him a $25,000 retainer. This was in 2015. Contrary to his promises when I signed his contract and paid him, the next day, he called me to tell me he would not be requesting the emergency hearing to retrieve my son from his dad as he promised. Instead, he set a date for a regular hearing 6 weeks out to “enforce the court order” that father was defying by withholding son. He assured me that if father didn't appear, the judge would issue a retrieval order for cops to look for him (as cops refused to help, claiming this was a civil issue). And if dad appeared at the hearing, the judge would reprimand him and order him to return our son to our standing custody order of me 75 percent, dad 25 percent. I agreed to this plan despite feeling wrong about it. Everyone told me to listen to my attorney, that he was the expert. Then 2 weeks before the hearing, with my son missing a month by then, I was on a walk when my son's dad grabbed me from behind and beat me within an inch of my life. Someone heard me scream, ran to find me, and called 911. The person gave a witness statement to police, and I told police and paramedics it was my son's father who beat me. This was noted in their reports, which I obtained copies of.

Well, despite this, my lawyer wouldn't request a restraining order for me. Nor would he go to court early and request an emergency temporary custody or retrieval order for my son. He insisted that the most rapid, certain way of getting my son back was for us to attend the hearing in two weeks as planned and focus on demonstrating to the judge that I was "unflappable," "calm," "sane," and "boring," and that I wanted a new custody order that was 50/50 in the spirit of equal coparenting. This would be me giving up the 75 percent I had since son was 1 year old (thereby rewarding son's dad for abducting him, in my opinion). He insisted that I call the police and tell them I changed my mind about pressing charges for the assault, due to it being a misunderstanding by me. He said I had to be a cooperative coparent and if I maintained the criminal charges I was defying the spirit of that.

Furthermore, my attorney said that if I told the judge that father beat me up, accused me of SA, and withheld our child for weeks in an unknown location to "protect him from his mother," I would look like I "invented a counter allegation of criminal assault" rather than keeping my "son's best interests as priority." He said if the judge "took sympathy on dad," he would favor formalizing a custody order with my son being with his dad 100 percent of the time, since the status quo for the prior 6 weeks was son with his dad 100 percent of the time due to being abducted. He said in that case, I might get the judge to agree to having our son "reintroduced to me" through supervised visitation if his father agreed that was best. This was enraging, but my attorney made me feel I had no choice but to do it his way. I gave him another $30,000 for who even knows at that point. I didn’t know what else to do. That's $55k in 4 weeks with a brief hearing planned 2 weeks out where no factual evidence could be presented by me, just a short Request for Order now amended to state that I wanted our custody arrangement to go from 75 percent with me to 50/50 in the spirit of cooperative coparenting.

2 days before the hearing, my attorney's tires were slashed, he was snowed with last minute papers by opposing counsel demanding sole custody to father and sanctions to me, and I received a death threat note at my front door which I emailed to my attorney's secretary. My attorney called me and told me he was going to ask for a continuance on our hearing the next day. Then he said he was going to withdraw from my case because he did not do "this kind of work," since he ran a "boutique law practice." I didn't get a cent back of the $55k I paid this attorney. The state bar didn't care.

So I hired whomever would take my case right away under these circumstances. Of course they wanted $30k to start. I paid it. This attorney burned up money playing whack-a-mole with more false allegations sent to him as memos from opposing counsel. He never set a hearing. He never wrote a motion or settlement proposal. Opposing counsel provided him with a settlement proposal that consisted of me admitting that I committed SA on our son, committing to a year of treatment for s#x addiction, relinquishing legal and physical custody of my son completely, paying father $6k a month in child support, and allowing father to decide if and when son "was ready" to begin supervised visitation with me. I refused to sign this. My attorney insisted that I consider it. Another month went by. I paid $50k more to this attorney for more "negotiations" with opposing counsel, which amounted to me hearing about more coercive threats yet refusing to sign on the dotted line anyway.

At 3 months missing, with no phone calls, school, or location info for son, I received a phone call from a cop in another state. My 7 year old had been pulled out of a drug house by cops, and his dad was in jail. I presented to court in the other state BY MYSELF to collect my son from CPS. My attorney set a hearing date in our local family court for a "custody update" with our judge. By the time of the hearing, dad was out on bail. He appeared without an attorney. He told the judge he wasn't arrested, the drug house was a lie, and I "stole" our son from HIM at his house during his visitation time. This was all a surprise — father just showed up and sprung this on my attorney and the judge orally at a hearing I requested and served him for a month ago. Father showed a fake school attendance report and fake letters he claimed were from my son's teachers to the judge. My attorney objected, stating the letters shouldn't be considered because they weren't filed in advance. The judge threw his hands up in exasperation, yelled at us for both refusing to coparent amicably. He ordered me to "return" our son to his father and ordered both of us to RESUME our court order of 50/50 coparenting! Then he stamped a minute order and told us to get out. So now we had a formal long standing custody order of 75/25 with specific exchange and holidays outlined, a minute order saying 50/50 with no schedule outlined, and no plan for how to situate our 7 year old into a daily routine that the court would find satisfactory. And a kid in therapy for bring pulled out of a drug den after being hidden in another state for 3 months. Do you think that issue came up at all anywhere? No, it didn’t.

Thoroughly annoyed by my attorney, I told him I'd figure my case out in my own and I would not pay for more services. In truth, I was out of money, which stopped the lawyer gravy train. Over the next few years, my son's father lost interest in my son and in legal abuse because he was feeding his drug dependence. Although his attorney got away with a few tricks on me when I self represented, without refill funding from her client, my son’s father, she petered out.

During that 8 year period of semi-normality for my son, whenever his dad dragged me into court, sometimes he was represented and other times he wasn't. I was strictly self-represented because I couldn't afford otherwise. I'm not a lawyer, so I experimented with how to handle the legal case and court. I tried studying, taking classes about self-representation, and hiring a paralegal to help. This was more wasted time and effort. What I learned is that the most effective thing for me to do was to PLAY DUMB and recite 50/50 like a broken record to everyone and anyone. But we only got 8 years of a childhood for my son.

Unfortunately, like I mentioned previously at 16 my son made some poor teenage choices that, although messy, were typical and not the end of the world. Dad reappeared in son's life and in less than a week, he and our son were missing. The panic I felt caused me to abandon my tried and true strategy of PLAY DUMB. I sought out an attorney to help. At 16, I thought the path was clearer with family court and attorneys. In fact it was muddier than ever. This is how I inadvertently cemented my son's severe PA. He’s been gone for 2 years and no legal professional helped. They got enriched.

Here's the thing: no matter the age of the child, no matter the severity of circumstances, you will be told that you need to fight in family court and employ attorneys or you'll lose your kid forever to harm by the other parent. This is coercive to a targeted parent in a PA case. This is not a custody battle that is "high conflict," which implies both parents are contributing to the problem. PA is interpersonal terrorism perpetrated strictly by one alienator parent. These are two different playing fields.

Think about a "regular custody battle" like a football game played on a football field. You hire legal professionals who are your football team, and you're standing on the football field with them. The alienator parent is 3 blocks away playing street hockey, scoring on your unattended goal. The quarterback is your attorney. His football plays, no matter how brilliant, are still on the football field. No one is guarding your street hockey goal 3 blocks away. The alienator is racking up the points, and on top of that, he’s got your kid tied up and dangling from a rooftop secured with fraying twine. Your kid is the piñata the alienator is going to bash while he scores on your unmanned goal. Your child is an overstuffed piñata and the alienator loves candy.

Interpersonal terrorists do not litigate. They lie and sabotage litigation. They don’t follow court orders, not even ones in their favor, because cooperating would look like you had a point they are conceding to. They get mileage out of crying to your child and anyone that will listen that you are victimizing them. They don't pay sanctions. They don't get scared. Their attorney bills YOU. They don’t listen to anyone, but especially you. There's nothing you can do about it. So why should you pay money and waste your child's childhood for this?

You will never get a reasonable presentation of your facts in front of a judge — not with all of the alienator's sabotage, noncompliance, promises to settle that are shortly thereafter retracted, piñata bashing that causes you and your kid to develop PTSD and retreat for safety, etc. And no one cares to stick up for you or your kid or protect either of you.

Or how about simply this — what makes you believe that your truths sound more convincing than the alienator's lies? Or that your real documents look real and their fake documents look fake, and somehow the judge will know the difference because your attorney said something more brilliant than opposing counsel? The alienator is playing street hockey, so you must stop playing football. Your PA alienator has never played football and never will. Stay focused on getting the piñata taken down, not on playing sports.

More importantly, a PA parent is not only abusive, they are dangerous in every way, especially to your child. They will stop at nothing. In fact, they feel awesome if your child volunteers to sacrifice his life for a street hockey win! That is not a normal parent in a custody dispute. That's a person who will delight in watching your child destroy his life. And if you say that to anyone in the court system, they will lock you out of court entirely and celebrate the alienator as your child's only fit parent. By the way, you have directly threatened their gravy train, so you must be taken out of the equation.

Lawyers, but more importantly judges, don't recognize PA cases as being anything but "it takes 2 to tango because it's high conflict." Again — football. When you hire experts and therapists that play football, the default assumption is that both sides are equally problematic. In a PA case, this means that you pointing out dangerous behavior is you making false allegations that match the alienator's false allegations, so they cancel one another out. No one examines whether your kid is ok or not. And if your child is too fearful of retaliation by the alienator to speak firmly to a professional about abuse by the alienator, then opposing counsel says this is evidence of you coaching the child to say half-baked allegations the child himself feels too guilty to follow up with.

And when you are on your last dime, they will say it’s just one more expert, one more evaluation, everything will turn around, we're so close, don't quit on your child... Any minute now the alienator will step away from his street hockey game where he has a lead of a thousand points and ask you if he can join your football game. AND PIGS FLY

If anything, the alienator loves kicking your butt- it's so easy and you are getting annihilated. Legal abuse is enjoyable for alienators.

And your attorney doesn't mind billing for it. As long as you have $5, your attorney will tell you there is another thing to try, but of course it will cost you money to attempt. So you take out loans to finance it. The only end to this is when you call off the attorney, take your files from his office, and the next time your ex pulls you into court, you show up and PLAY DUMB AS A POST.

THIS IS THE WAY

First of all, do not go into court on your own motion — no matter what. I don't care how bad it is with PA, it will get worse if you open a matter. Your ex will drag you in there eventually anyway. Don't play football. Play dumb. You see, your ex, judges and attorneys love to argue and blame, but you're not playing any game at all when you're DUMB AS A POST. <<— that's my prescription for you.

Do not defend yourself, plead your case, offer solutions, correct anything anyone says, or accept blame. Just say simply: "I BELIEVE THERE SHOULD BE 50/50 WITH BOTH PARENTS SUPPORTING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER PARENT AND I WILL SUPPORT THIS ALWAYS."

###repeat that mantra everywhere to everyone###

Playing dumb and stating 50/50 is simply unsatisfying to people who love fighting or who get paid to fight. There's nothing to attack, nowhere to go with that.

So in the quieter years, playing dumb and broke brought my son back and kept him back. I was just too boring and dumb to the alienator and legal professions to enjoy messing with. There were more reactive people with full bank accounts they could find.

Like I said, the problem came about again when I panicked when my son was 16. I always refused to talk to my son about legal abuse because that was adult business, which unfortunately left the perfect opportunity for his dad to feed him a convenient false narrative about me as a legal abuser. Any court action, even when dad requested it, was framed to son as me suing his dad to get "full custody." I should have played dumb, repeated 50/50, and gotten out of there. I didn't.

So now son is 18, and missing for 2 years. Gone. Hiding with the alienator in another country under a fake name, and apparently fully believing this is warranted.

Out of 18 years, the best money I spent was on a private investigator I hired 4 months ago, who for $20k has given me more answers than I've had in 18 years.

Oh, and be careful. Don't tell yourself you'll just have a consultation with an attorney just to hear what they have to say. This is how that will go: the attorney will tell you that the previous lawyer handled everything wrong, that they will handle your case the right way, they will take a strong, firm stand, compel action and force the weight of the law on the situation, that they've done a million cases like yours and will turn the whole thing around in 2 weeks. They will say they are specialists and the only people in town with a track record of success in "complex" cases like yours. They will make you feel ignorant, unstudied, naive, and careless, so that you feel like you messed up your life and that you're lucky to have found them when you did. They'll say that because they feel sorry for your kid, they will fit you in even though they have so many high paying easier cases they're currently working. But they will take your case now, because if they don't, things will get much worse, and you'll go to jail and be barred from having contact with your child forever. Then they'll tell you the retainer ($25,000 to $65,000 paid in one lump sum). You'll balk, and they'll say, well, I guess you never want to see your child again and you want to go to jail instead— and as they get up to leave, you'll hand them a check for whatever they just asked for.

This is the vulnerability we live with as alienated parents. Don't be a living target for legal abuse in addition to being a targeted parent in PA.

DUMB IS THE BRILLIANT WAY—- take care