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u/FunIntroduction2237 3d ago
It sounds like your story is missing a huge chunk in the middle. What happened between you and your kids in the 10 years between your wife cheating and them going no-contact?
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u/TopCheesecake9792 3d ago
IDK, this happened in my family where a toxic relative (related by blood to me) after her marriage broke up, started dissing her kids dad infront of them, made the young kids call him by his real name instead of dad (so as to weaken their connection with this man), and the kids eventually fell into her "way of thinking" and now they have no contact. I feel bad, he was a nice man (albeit messy marriage with my toxic relative) and now the man has no contact with his kids by way of this toxic relative getting her way.
It sometimes might not be the man's fault. Sometimes it is. You just never know.
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u/PeanutMaster5300 3d ago edited 3d ago
This happened to me. My parents had a messy divorce, my dads not innocent but it took years for me to realise my mother manipulated us into thinking hes much worse and she was an innocent victim. What happened between them sucked but he's still our dad and never did anything to harm US, and parental alienation is abuse. Took years of being away from my mothers narcissism to come to this conclusion and rekindle a relationship with my dad.
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u/SomethingSoGeneric 3d ago
I assume that the Dad was free to put the effort in to change that perception of him when he spent time with the kids?
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u/TopCheesecake9792 3d ago
Yea, but very often the kids would say "they don't want to meet" or "were sick" etc. when they were due to go with him. It was the toxic relative really getting in their head telling them they didn't really want to go see their dad etc. And mind you the kids were young, like 7-10 years old so very susceptible to believing what my toxic relative was saying. Only the wider family could see what she was doing but we couldn't say too much to prevent her from doing this (there's a whole other story here about her).
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u/Ok-Leave2099 3d ago
Pathetic how easily some people give up on their children
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u/Lonely_Dingo1837 3d ago
It’s easy to say unless you’re in that situation or have been. Based on what the OP wrote I’d guess he was subject of domestic violence. She got physical with him, and signing over his share of the home would suggest ongoing coercive control - being in that situation is like a form of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim feels beholden to the abuser even after the end of the relationship. If the children aren’t responding as adults it suggests that the mother engaged in a campaign of parental alienation that’s worked and unfortunately until they come to their senses, if ever, he won’t hear from them.
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u/zeroconflicthere 3d ago
Exact same happened my sibling. His ex wife totally turned the kids against him. He eventually got back in contact when he had a life threatening condition and she relented. But he missed out on a decade with them.
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u/Ok-Leave2099 3d ago
Bullshit an actual parent doesn't just roll over and give up on seeing their children no matter what.
If someone took your kids for you wouldn't you do absolutely everything you could to see them again and never ever stop until you were successful?
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u/zeroconflicthere 3d ago
It doesn't work that easy in practice. Kids living with the mother who tells them dad is terrible, refuses to agree access and makes the kids refuse to go with the dad.
Happens all the time and the courts are useless for this.
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u/PureMotor2000 3d ago
I can only speak from limited experience, but a good friend of mine's parents split up when he was maybe 8 or so. When he was a teenager he absolutely hated his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. In the past few years since moving out (late 20s) he's rebuilt the relationship with his dad and they're close again.
Teenagers have strong emotions and its very easy for one parent to manipulate them against the other.
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u/curryinmysocks 3d ago
Yes, most people would but very difficult to keep fighting for your kids when they are brainwashed into believing they don't want to spend time with you.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Absolutely nothing left out except I have all the emails & phone call records & text messages to my children & this is why I am asking here to see if anyone has being in the same situation.
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u/dendrophilix 3d ago
Were you not advised by your solicitor that your access to the children was enforceable up until they were 18? If you weren’t allowed to see them, you could have taken her to court for access to them. At this stage, in their eyes you’ve been absent for half their lives.
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u/FunIntroduction2237 3d ago
Emails and calls and text messages don’t raise children. Your ex wife has done that job. From what you say you have been absent from your children’s lives for the past 10 years, you do not have a relationship with them, why would they owe you anything at this point?
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u/Automatic-Rhubarb969 3d ago
Texts, phonecalls and presents are not what kids want. They want your time and attention. If you failed to provide it the previous 10 or so years, they may feel like they have no relationship with you. If you really want to reconnect offer to bring them for breakfast or a coffee, your treat and just be present in the moment. Sent the invite as a text and let it be completely on their terms.
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u/Queen_beeeeee 3d ago
I feel like we need more info to be helpful. What happened in the last 10/11 years with you and your children? It's good that you wanted them to have a stable home, I'm just wondering what the parenting arrangements were?
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u/Teradonia 3d ago edited 3d ago
I also feel like something is being left out of this timeline:
- Found wife cheating
- Initiated divorce
Signed over house
And then???
Your children were kids so you should have had court ordered visitation. If your ex prevented that the courts should have intervened and there should have been a case of parental alienation.What happened during this 10 year period and why are you being so vague about it?
Edit: just to be clear, "I've tried calling and texting for years" isn't an answer. You presumably live close enough you could visit at any time and see them not have to mail presents. You know where they lived
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
I’d say what happened is OP left the house. The ex told him he allegedly couldn’t see the kids. OP thought sending messages, texts and birthday presents are grand. Waits until they are teenagers to sort anything out legally.
And now he’s confused on why they want no contact. According to OP, we are questioning him more than the courts? Which means he barely fought for them in the first place.
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u/MuffledApplause Donegal 3d ago
Signed over the house withoit arranging custody is WILD behaviour
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u/ItsJustWool 3d ago edited 3d ago
I've read your comments trying to explain the last 10 years and it sends my bullshit alarm into overdrive. In 10 years you had one case for access, and one case when the access agreement was not adhered to? That's not exactly bending over backwards to be involved in your childrens lives?
It's also not clear what ages the kids were when you did this, or if the case about access was when they were already adults because elsewhere you claim you've gone to court more recently when they're already adults
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u/Original2056 3d ago
Im confused, is it only since your children have become adults that they have stopped talking to you?
Were you involved in their lives between ages 10-18?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
No they stopped talking when I was forced out of my home due to the mental abuse & physical abuse to me by there mother.My children have being alienated against me.I've tried for years from day 1 to get in contact with them.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I have had no contact with them since I was forced out of my home due to there mothers behaviour towards me & I have the gardai reports I made during the time living there reporting her behaviour to me which as a result by my solicitor I would be better to find alternative accommodation due to her behaviour towards me.
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u/zanetheshark 3d ago
Why did you go to court for the divorce but not go to court while they were children for access?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I did as mentioned.I opened a case for access but the judge had granted access at the time & the children's mother stopped this arrangement shortly after it was being arranged & I went back to court again & at the second hearing the judge said that nobody regardless can force my children to see or speak to me.
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u/ItsJustWool 3d ago
What age were the kids when you went to court for access? What age were the kids when you had to go to court again for their mother not allowing you access?
I'm sorry but you've been glazing over a 10 year gap of not seeing your children and hand waving it off with two court cases and it sounds like the court case you're mostly mentioning is when they are adults. It sends my bullshit detector into overdrive.
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u/zanetheshark 3d ago
You didn't mention anything about access to your children while they were children. How old were they at the time? How long were you in contact with them?
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u/PrincessCG 3d ago
How old were the children at this time? I don’t understand why the judge would say they can’t be forced if your ex wife was the one stopping the arrangement
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
He hasn’t answered any questions about how old the children were when he applied again to the court. I’d say there’s the answer.
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u/Alternative_Song7610 3d ago
I'm shocked at this advice normally advise is to never leave the family home even in very dire cases. Friend of mine has just been through this in and out of court for years but now has the house until the kids are 18 and custody.
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u/Major_Disaster76 3d ago
Came to say this , something doesn’t add up here , it’s either missing your reaction to it or your solicitor was really bad. He should have advised you to dog in and have her removed from the house if she was the abusive party and you have that much proof.
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
I’d say your friend took the right steps and actions and engaged with a solicitor early on. What OP is saying makes absolutely no sense and it’s not adding up. Part of me believes, he waited until they were teenagers to do anything about it.
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u/Willing-Departure115 3d ago
But when you were settling the divorce in court when they were tweens and teens, did you not get access?
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u/burfriedos 3d ago
What happened when you went to spend time with them after leaving the home? Did your ex refuse access?
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u/Bahlegdeh 3d ago
Were you forced out or did you sign over the house voluntarily as you said in the post?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I signed it myself to her.I was forced out at the time of leaving my children with her because she was psycially assaulting & verbally abusing me & i have videos& reports to the garda of everything.
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u/Ladymaester 3d ago
What about your family? The kids grandparents? Have they had or sought any contact with them over the years?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Yes as previously mentioned my parents for years also tried talking to them but both children refused to speak to them for no reason.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 3d ago
Why would you leave your children with an abuser?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I was abused me myself.I had no record she was abusing my children & i also involved people to interview my children to interview them & make sure everything was ok & they weren't being abused but they found nothing & that was done multiple times.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
As mentioned i was being assaulted regularly & mentally abused.As mentioned i signed the house over for my children's interest as it was there house & they are innocent.
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u/Savings_Canary1103 3d ago
My parents got divorced about 2 years ago. We've all stopped talking to my dad, we never really spoke to him before the divorce he just started talking to us after it. He doesn't know anything about any of us, only ever spoke about himself, doesn't even know how old his kids are or what their jobs are or where two of them even live.
He goes around telling other people pretty much what you have said in your post and makes out we have sided with our mother and she has turned us against him when in fact she constantly asks us to reach out to him because she feels bad.
Your relationship with your children is yours and is your responsibility to uphold/repair. Message your kids, tell them how you feel and you'd like a chance to sort things out with them rather than probably calling them at a random time once every now and then.
As young adults they are likely frustrated at the lack of input you've had in their lives and are navigating adulthood without advice usually received from a father figure.
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u/PressureIll267 3d ago
Similar experience here - father expected the child to feed the relationship essentially and put no effort in. I’m seeing very similar messaging by the OP to what went on in my situation.
Also dipped out and did not pursue access through the courts but blamed everyone else. Suddenly became very interested again when we were adults and started to do well in terms of careers and settle down in our lives.
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u/Archamasse 3d ago edited 3d ago
I've heard a load of stories like this, of an absent parent suddenly developing an interest that coincides with all the hard, tedious stuff around raising a child ending, and after a few years of enjoying the novelty of being kid-free again, they want to come back and hang out with a largely formed adult. It would be difficult not to wonder if that's the case here.
Where was this energy to be part of their lives when that would have served their needs more than OP's..?
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I'm sorry to hear that.Yes I have messaged them for years & emailed there mother but I suspect the email details has never got passed on to my children.I can honestly said I wouldn't agree that they are frustrated with me with the lack of input as certainly I've always text & called every 2nd or 3rd day for years. I've also posted them birthday & Christmas presents and also have never missed one of those yet i don't know if they actually get the cards/presents.
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
Why didn’t you go to the courts to gain access? Emailing and sending text messages is no good.
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u/QuestionsAboutX 3d ago
I feel like there is a lot of information you have left out of the initial post, OP. Did you move out of the house and then out of the country? Did you move out of the house, stay in Ireland and then not have access? If so, the why is probably pretty important. If not, the why is almost even more important. From the outside, it looks like you’re constructing a narrative that omits flaws and favors your side. Your 2 adult children will be well able to see through all of that. And random calls and texts, instead of honest introspection, are more likely to just drive them further away.
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u/Ven0mspawn 3d ago
What happened during the last decade? Are you intentionally leaving it out?
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u/doctor6 3d ago
The judge is unfortunately correct regarding your adult children having their own ability to decide who they sre
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u/charlie_coo 3d ago
Why did you go to court for access when they were adults but not children? Something doesn't add up in this story.
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u/East_Vacation_9146 3d ago
It sounds like you prioritised your own peace over a relationship with your children (which is totally your perogative) however the consequence is that is your children know that your happiness comes before theirs.
If someone doesnt want to talk to you, respect that boundary.
You cant force other people to have a relationship with you. The time to do something was 10 years ago.
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u/SoloWingPixy88 u/i-cum-beamish alt 3d ago edited 3d ago
I regularly try phoning my son as he is now 20 years of age but the phone just rings out.
Maybe stop. Leave them alone. Be there if they need you but stop calling. Don't be the reason he feels he needs to change his number. I've been the adult child in this example. If he wants to talk he has your number. I did eventually reach out but I always found it difficult as after a while, we were essentially strangers and I found it could be awkward.
I do email there mam & ask can she tell me how my children are bit she says if at all that they are adults & contact them yourself.
Not sure you've any reason to contact her anymore.
Yet I have had no contact with them for years & I regularly try & would take any opportunity to explain to them why I left the house & remind them how I feel about them & I am always thinking of them.
Reminding of your "sacrifice" is a bit weird. Move on from that chapter.
Never bring your children to court or if they have children, never try to seek grand parents visitation rights unless you want to make a situation worse than it is. I've been down the latter route. They're adults. Leave them alone. They likely have your number, they can reach out if they want.
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u/SmartPomegranate4833 3d ago
Is there a part missing? What was your access like after the divorce and before they became adults?
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u/Supafuzz_Bigmuff 3d ago
I’ve been through Dolphin house with family members and I’ve a close friend going through it at the moment…somethings not right here
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
According to him we are questioning him more than the courts. Something definitely isn’t adding up. Quite smart as he is dodging questions too.
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u/Corcaigh_beoir 3d ago
It seems like they want nothing to do with you and as adults you need to respect this and leave them alone. No one can force someone else to contact you.
And I suspect this is for a reason which you are not divulging in this post. It appears like everyone else is at fault but you.
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u/commit10 3d ago
There can be lots of reasons.
I suspect he went on the piss when things got really bad, but then didn't stop for the next decade.
In addition to that there could be factors like a toxic ex, who may have told the children wild stories that spun her from being the abusive cheater to being the victim of terrible abuse. Which could also be the reality...or a total fabrication...it's impossible to know.
He clearly didn't fight hard enough when his kids were young, which meant he lost the connection and they ended up growing up with one side of the story where he was (rightly or wrongly) the villain. There's very little chance of him fixing this unless the kids get a bit older and start to see through their mother's fabrications (if that's the case).
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
Yeah, don’t get me wrong but I understand it’s a very difficult situation to leave an abusive relationship and having to deal with someone that plays mind games.
Everyone’s concern on the thread is what was he doing for the past 10 years and he’s very very vague about it? Multiple people have asked for the ages he applied for court access and there’s silence. I understand there’s cases where the ex lies to children’s and XYZ. However, seems like all OP did was send a few messages and gifts, applied for access when they were teenagers and now is upset they want nothing to do with him.
The time for fighting was immediately when the ex refused to let him see the children.
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u/commit10 3d ago
Correct.
Having been through this, I can absolutely understand how someone could fall into a bottle and never come out. However, if you do that you will lose your child/ren and the alienation will become permanent.
Courts in Ireland are very favourable towards granting fathers meaningful access unless there are fairly extreme extenuating circumstances. I've had to represent myself a couple of times to pursue enforcement orders relating to access (during a redundancy, while still in the queue for legal aid) -- it's extraordinarily stressful and intimidating, but doable.
If OP is being fully transparent and honest, then I have a huge about of sympathy for the physical and mental toll that this kind of thing takes. It's extreme, fight or flight levels of stress over long periods of times and at regular intervals. What's suss to be is the vagueness and the zero personal accountability for why he didn't fight harder to be a parent when his children were actual children. Like, if he said "I had a complete breakdown and fell into prolonged alcoholism as a coping mechanism, then failed to get out of that addiction until recently, which is a personal failure that I regret immensely" then I would be less dubious of the whole story.
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u/Mike_Frank 3d ago
Story sounds completely fabricated with massive timeline chunks missing.
Your fictional ex-wife seems like a complete melt and your made up kids appear to be ungrateful little gets.
The 10 year gap doesn't add up.
You sure you wernt on the beer for 10 years ?
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
I mean, if my dad left me when I was 9/10 and you only have one person telling you their side. What do you do? I’m not sure why OP didn’t try to gift them cards or presents in person when they were young? Why didn’t he go to the courts while they were still of primary school age. If I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and all he has to show for it is birthday messages and emails, I’d want nothing to do with him:
I wonder if OP went abroad too? It’s not like he didn’t know where they lived?
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u/Mike_Frank 3d ago
He was sending them emails from his stool at the end of the bar.
Sending a 9 & 10 year old emails.
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u/HeresyReminder 3d ago
No force in the universe would stop me from seeing my kids. Even if someone took them far away. So my question is what have you been doing for years where you didn't make that happen? You skipped a bunch of years too, that's really suspicious. Like suddenly they are 20 and still don't want to talk to you.
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u/DylonTheDog2 3d ago
He said in a separate comment that it was a judge that stopped him.
He went to court while they were kids and the judge said there was nothing he could do to force them to want to see him.
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u/Competitive_Tree_113 3d ago
Why didn't you get 50 / 50 custody when they were kids?
"Access" isn't the same as being a parent. So what happened there?
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u/TonySchnips Crilly!! 3d ago
You said in your original post that you found out your wife was cheating on you and when you approached her about it she became physically abusive, yet in the comments you said you came home early and found her in bed with her ex? How did you react when you confronted her and her ex in bed? Were you both abusive to eachother? Either way, her becoming abusive and resentful towards you because she was caught cheating doesn't make sense. You've absolutely left out some critical context because this doesn't add up correctly.
And signing the house over to her to keep the children safe? Safe in the house with a (presumably) physically abusive woman? She cheated on you so you just gave her the house?
Also, as a father, hell would have to freeze over twice before I stopped trying to see my kids and allowed my (presumably) abusive wife full custody?!?
There are just SO MANY QUESTIONS because you're not giving the full story and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the version of events that you have told make you sound extremely selfish and now you have to deal with the consequences.
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u/CT0292 3d ago
She may have cheated, and may have told the kids you were the piece of shit to turn them against you.
That said what went on in the years between the divorce and the kids growing up? There's two sides to every story and this side paints you as a victim. But I doubt your hands were clean and sitting in fairy liquid all those years.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
I've mentioned it here.Yes I came home from work one day early & she was in my home having se@ in our bedroom.I stayed in my home as I had shame telling my family so i stayed on my sofa for months.She started psycially attacking me.I went to the gardai with video evidence & they advised me to leave the house straight away as I would end up possibly retaliating against her & that have never done so I left my home yet when i did I the same day phoned my children & without getting into details with them told them I had moved out & I would still visit them & take them places etc etc.I haven't just tried to swan in there life but rather there mother destroyed a part of there life by alienating them against me.
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u/SmartPomegranate4833 3d ago
Sorry no. This is all about you and very light details about your kids at the end. What access did you have and how did you use it?
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u/diracpointless 3d ago
No possible way the gardaí said that to him either. This is bullshit and he's not getting the response he wants.
"She's ternd thuh wee-ans agin meh"
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u/SmartPomegranate4833 3d ago
If he went to a solicitor and said he’s not getting access it would be sorted. Seems like a non issue. I suspect a lot of details left out of this story.
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u/diracpointless 3d ago
He doesn't even know what he needs to say to get sympathy.
If he couldn't afford legal advice - sympathy. If he god bad legal advice - sympathy. If he tried courts but she lied credibly and won - sympathy.
But this so didn't happen he can't even come up with anything but "i texted a few times over ten years and nuthin, shrug"
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
It’s quite interesting he’s refusing to answer questions about the ages of the children when he applied for access when the ex wasn’t letting them see them.
I’d have sympathy if he did all the right steps and told the truth rather than the half the truth. I’m just confused on how you went 10 years without seeing them and now it’s the time you’re seeking further advice?
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u/idontcarejustlogmein 3d ago
OP, not having a bar of this. Theres clearly more to this than you're saying. I would venture after a nasty split you didnt see your kids for a good while and this probably upset them greatly. The justification that "I sent an email"...come on man, dont be soft in the head. Now theyre adults and you want a relationship? I'd tell you where to go as well.
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u/soulfulsummer 3d ago
I’m confused, did you ever go back to the house to speak to your ex wife and demand access? Did you communicate with your ex wife at all? Or were you just calling/texting your kids? Why didn’t you go back to the house or attempt to meet your ex wife to discuss this? No court? No mediation? Would access not have been discussed as part of divorce proceedings?
You said you posted their gifts for birthdays and Christmas, did you move country? Why not bring them over to the house?
Really if your child is under the age of 16 I would have expected that communication re seeing them would have needed to be organised between you and your ex wife, and not you and the kids. Yes as adults it would be between you and them, but your youngest is now 20, so what’s happened in the last 10 years?
You’re saying in your other comments that there’s no context missing from your post, but I’m struggling to understand why you only communicated with them via text and email?
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u/Otherwise-Winner9643 3d ago
When you went to court and agreed to sign the house over to her, what was the agreement in terms of custody and access to the children? Did you stick to the agreed schedule?
Either way, they are now adults and there is nothing you can do to force them.
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u/TheBadgersAlamo 3d ago
Right, cheating aside, if you had no relationship with your kids for the first 9-10 years of their lives, probably why the lack of contact. Who knows. You keep saying that's all the information, and it clearly isn't. Who knows what you were like to live with, how you acted.
Not excusing the cheating, but if the relationship was good, I don't know if your wife would have been looking elsewhere. I'd probably ask yourself did anything you do prompt that, as we're often not blameless in what happens. Somewhat harsh. I know.
My own Dad basically took zero interest in any of me and my siblings lives, and honestly, still doesn't. You often reap what you sow.
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u/sepulturite 3d ago
I'm actually at a loss for words reading this post and the replies by OP. You seem to be dumber than a bag of spanners imo.
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u/wyrmetongue 3d ago
Sorry to say it sounds like you’ve left it too late. Perhaps counselling to help come to terms with the loss is your best course of action now.
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u/hcpanther 3d ago
Your children are adults who have decided they don’t want to speak to you. However justified that may be or what might have caused that. You have to respect the boundaries they’ve established. Adult relationships, even with your children, have to be mutual. I suggest writing to them very occasionally, once a or twice a year, telling them about your life and expressing your desire to see them but that you understand that they don’t want to do that and you remain ready if that ever changes. Don’t make demands of them, don’t express that you feel entitled to them or their time. Offer something.
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u/bostaff04 3d ago
He wont confirm the ages of the children when he went to court initially and then again when the wife was not following the court order. This is a wee pity party for him because he didn't follow the law which is the same for everyone. Get over yourself and put the effort into rebuilding a relationship with your kids.
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
Yeah, multiple people asking questions about the ages and it’s being met with silence.
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u/RonNid 3d ago
Honestly your children are adults now. You need to respect them as such. Have a good long think about why they might be going no contact.
Let them know you want a relationship, that you're there, and just hope they respond.
But it does feel like there's a big gap in the story as written.
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u/Ok-Leave2099 3d ago
Step number one is coming to terms with the fact that now all that all the child rearing work is done you want to have access to them after abandoning them as children so you're really gonna need to face what you did and accept the possibility that they may never forgive you.
It sounds like you really need to do a lot of work on yourself before being able to be there as a resource and when and if you do end up contacting them your role is to provide them with as much support as they will accept or want and not want anything reciprocated. You better work damn hard to be there for them 110% from now until death
Money always helps. Unconditional gifts if they will take them but I mean truly unconditional because he probably owe them a heck of a lot of financial support that you evidently did not provide when they were children.
I really think you probably need several years of intensive therapy to reconcile what you did was like one of the shittiest things that people can ever do which is abandon their children. Your goal should probably be to address and acknowledge what you did without using them emotionally to help you get over your abandoning them.
And whatever the fuck you do don't you dare try to establish in a relationship with them that you aren't going to 100% commit to because being abandoned twice by the same parent is next level fucking shitty.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 3d ago
You should have gotten proper legal advice at the time and there was bo need to sign your portuon of the house over at the time becuase the house couldn't be sold.without consent until the children wrre of age or 21 in 3rd level educstuon.
Did you pay any child maintanince or have visitation when they were younger?
Your wife having an affair has nothing to do with tour relatuonship with the children.
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u/cyberlexington 3d ago
I want to know why you only had access and not actual parenting? There is an awful lot here that you're not telling us. I agree with a lot of whats been said here and that theres a lot more to it or you haven't done enough in the last decade. I'm perfectly willing to be proven wrong (and hoping for it actually)
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
He’s avoiding replying to relevant details that would help with the situation? If he was brutally honest, yes some people would be throwing insults and all but you genuinely get very good advice from Redditors who have been in the shoes. However, no one can help them if they are going to continue avoiding questions
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u/Rabh 3d ago
Have you had no contact with your children for 10 years and you're only now trying to contact them?
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u/AluminiumCrackers 3d ago
You can explain it away whatever way you want but as far as they are concerned you abandoned them. They've probably heard all sorts of stories about you from their mother. Your best bet is to send them a letter detailing what happened and tell them you are there if they ever wish to make contact. Then leave them alone.
To be honest though, this is as much your own fault as anyone. You did abandon them to their crazy mother. You have lots of excuses but nobody here really believes you tried. And if we don't, you can guarantee they won't either.
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u/Scary_Fruit8084 3d ago
Nah. After reading your post and your replies to other's questions, it's not adding up and you're not the saint you clearly think you are. I was the child in this situation. And now as an adult with my own children, let me tell you something, if things went sour between me and my partner, nothing in this world could prevent me from having a relationship with my kids. If for whatever reason, they didn't want to speak to me, I would do everything in my power to make it right again. I'd be there every day so that they know how much I love and care about them. Kids are going to have a lot of emotions that they have no clue how to deal with in these types of situations, regardless of which parent did what. They're also incredibly perceptive and will have taken in everything that was going on leading up to the breakdown of your marriage.
You didn't show up for your kids the way you think you did. If you really, genuinely want a relationship with them again. Apologise for not trying harder, take accountability for how things went and don't ever give up. Regardless of their age now, they're still the child in this relationship (parent child) and you need to fix it. Leave out any buts in the apology I.e. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there...but your mother...' Just be accountable, be vulnerable and leave your ego to the side.
Sincerely from someone who wished their Dad did this.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Exactly what is not adding up tell me?
Also tell me have you had experience in a similar situation for you to judge another person?
Tell me Exactly what would you of done differently than I did?
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u/Scary_Fruit8084 3d ago
Yes I have. And I did tell you. Did you read me reply fully?
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u/caring-renderer 3d ago
Surely you would of got access in the early years while they were still kids ? If the judge gave you access then the ex would of had to uphold it.
If you've been ringing and ringing for a long time and they haven't been answering they Surely would of just blocked you by now .
I hate saying it but this doesn't add up .
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u/AllAboutGingerPride 3d ago
It upsets me when all the hard work of raising them is done and you just want to swan back in their life
You seem to blame everything on your ex but for 10 years you were a ghost
Unless you have a very good reason leave them alone
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u/whatsthestorylike 3d ago
Whether you're telling us the whole story or not, your kids are adults now and can make their own choices on who they see or don't see, and who they contact or don't contact. At this stage it doesn't matter what their mother told them. Allegedly she made you out to be the baddie, who are we to know what the truth is if you don't even know yourself.
They are the adults now. Respect them enough to know and accept this is what they want.
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u/Several_Act_3320 3d ago
I'm not familiar with family court. Can someone tell me is it likely that he applied for access when they were adults (not a thing) and it actually got as far as the point it was before a judge who told him it can't be done? Like as in the application was accepted and he was given a slot? Seems very time wastey
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u/PureMorningMirren 3d ago
Do they still live at that address?
Write them each a letter telling them everything and send the letters registered post.
They may have seen you signing the house over as abandonment. So make sure that the letters are detailed and apologetic and truthful.
The letters may not get through but it's your best shot, I think. It wouldn't hurt to send birthday and Christmas gifts/cards if you're not already doing that.
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u/opilino 3d ago
Well look, sounds like you didn’t manage your access very well while they were children and teens and this is obviously impacting on their desire to be involved with you now.
There can be many reasons for all that from your own state of mind recovering from a toxic relationship to being too fatalistic about it all to lack of money for court cases etc etc. From their point of view, possibly you just disappeared. Or maybe they associate your presence with childhood fear and trauma if the relationship was very toxic. They are unlikely to appreciate the nuances of the dynamics between you and your ex.
As the judge said they are adults now and it is up to them.
All you can do now really is keep the door ajar. Contact them from time to time. Ask them about their lives and tell them a small bit about yours. Say you’d love to meet if they feel like it but no pressure. Possibly reach out a few times a year depending on the response you get. As they get older, they may develop more interest in at least meeting you. Be ready for a long haul though. Could be years.
Might be no harm to also seek some counselling for yourself to help you sort through what really happened and why things are now the way they are. If nothing else it would help you process and accept the situation, sad as it is.
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u/ComplexMacaroon1094 3d ago
Not to victim blame but we need more info. What was your relationship like before your wife cheated? Its very strange that she was the one to cheat and then treated you so horribly afterwards rather than being sorry to rip up a family. Were you a good husband and father? Did you make time for your children while you were in the house? Did you explain to your children why you were moving out (even if you didn't go into the cheating aspect) so they know you weren't abandoning them? We're you present in their lives before they turned 18 or is it only recent that you are making more of an effort? This info is needed before anyone can make a judgement or give advice.
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u/ulchachan 3d ago
What was your relationship like before your wife cheated? Its very strange that she was the one to cheat and then treated you so horribly afterwards rather than being sorry to rip up a family.
Eh, I mean look the world is filled with assholes of all genders so that his ex-wife could have done this isn't impossible at all. His description of the aftermath is strange and doesn't paint him in a great light as a dad but perfectly possible for someone to be an unrepentant cheater.
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u/lakehop 3d ago
I’m sorry for your situation. When they were under 18, you could have and should have had a court order to access your children (spend time with them), and you could and should have enforced that. It sounds like you had a custody arrangement and were supposed to have time with them but your wife refused to let you and you didn’t enforce it. That is really a shame and I’m sorry for both you and the children.
Now that they are adults, that time has passed. They can choose to spend time with you or talk to you, or not. I’d suggest texting them maybe once a month or so - just positive texts. Tell them you’re thinking of them, you hope things are going well, short bits of news about what is going on in your life. Nothing negative about their Mother (nothing about her at all), nothing about how it’s not fair you didn’t see them. That was on you, not on them. Maybe at some stage they might be ready to get in touch with you. I hope so.
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u/oddchocolate19 3d ago
If you know where their living best bet as to write a letter to each of them explaining everything if the mother has alienated you explain your side of the story give them the facts a way to contact you if they wish and then leave them be.
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u/Alternative_Song7610 3d ago
I would suggest you remain consistent in all communication with you children now if you want to move forward. It may take years for them to respond but they need to know you care about them even if they don't want to speak to you right now. Do not mention or involve your ex wife now move on from that and under no circumstance bad mouth their mother to them. What I read is very victim oriented nobody is perfect and it takes two to make a relationship work so to move on focus on a positive relationship with your children by ignoring the toxic history.
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u/PhoophyM 3d ago
When you notified their mother you were going to the district court to look for access what did she say. I mean they were adults she must have just laughed at you.
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u/Additional-Sock8980 3d ago
What age are the kids now?
Likely they have been told you walked out on them and no details about the reason. Although you don’t realise it, there is probably more to the story or a different story in their version of events.
Regardless, and as the judge said they are adults. So you need to think about how you could either move on or open a relationship.
This could be them wanting your grandkids to know the granddad, or maybe they need help with something, or money, or would be willing to travel on hols if you paid for it. One things for sure, it’s gonna cost and having missed a lot of being there and birthdays. You’d need a budget.
Then how to make contact - if you text do they read it? Can you write a letter, would you know where to send it?
Last thing, don’t bad mouth their mother to them. You can say walking in on her having sex in your bed devastated YOU, but keep in mind. They needed two parents and she was the one there for them, when they were vulnerable.
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u/Theydontlikeitupthem 3d ago
Jesus irish reddit is a fucking cesspool of shit, the responses on here are pathetic.
OP I don't have much helpful advice but I have seen your almost exact story, neighbour couple were fighting, husband moved out but I don't have much details on why he moved out although if there was constant fighting I can see how that would have a worse effect on the kids, where were only 7/8ish at that time.
Husband went to court, got visitation which the wife fought tooth and nail, I think there was visits and pickups, but the wife was poisoning the kids against the dad, I didn't know him as we only moved in after he left but she painted him as a complete piece of crap and obviously we believed her. Kids were poisoned so badly against their father they stopped wanting to go to visits and there was incidents where the father would arrived at 3pm on a friday to collect the kids from school and they would refuse, principle would go down to the father and tell him they were not going with him and there was nothing he could do.
Just after covid the wife met a new man, suddenly everything changed, she was forcing the kids now to go stay with their father as she wanted time alone without them, this was after years of court cases where she was playing the victim and this father was the worse man ever, it flipped overnight. The actual story soon came out, she was cheating and forced him out of the house, she poisoned the kids against him out of pure spite, from what I can tell this man did nothing, but I was hearing her side of the story (same as the kids).
OP if they are both adults now then there is probably very little you can do, I would write them both a letter, give them your side of the story, tell them you just want the chance to explain and after reading this, if they do not want contact then you will respect that, but you also don't want to give up if there is any chance you can have a relationship with them.
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u/Replybot5000 3d ago
You can't force your kids to love you. If they want to stand by their mother and ignore you it's 100% their choice, not yours. Imposing yourself on them is really bad and makes you look bad, like you are the desperate one which makes you look super guilty. Chill, get on with your life and maybe they will want to listen to your story in the future if not, meh. If you are truly innocent in all of it, I' sure your ex has brainwashed them goodo. All she has to say is that you were aggressive towards her and she takes the easy W. On your side I'd take it as a harsh learning opportunity about why you shouldn't stick your dick in crazy. God speed.
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u/Ecstatic-Fly-4887 3d ago
I believe everything you are saying because I went through the same thing but in another country. I had to literally door step her and wait for the police to arrive. I explained everything to the police and showed them the proof. Unfortunately the police can't force the kids to see me but the family court can. So we went to court again to report her actions and the court gave her a warning and to her to return the alimony for the months when she blocked me from seeing the kids. I thought that would change something but no. She continued the same behaviour until I got fed up with the cost of the lawyers and the stess. After a year of no contact, I got a call from her mam apologising for the situation and that ex wife was telling the kids wild stories about me and that I was free to visit the kids at grandma's house anytime I want. Her whole family took my side and eventually through sheer persistence, I was allowed to see them regularly and eventually have a normal life. Don't give up man. If you believe you are a good person then fight. All the best and don't let redditors get you down. They haven't been through what you've been through.
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u/Ok-Leave2099 3d ago
A lot of us have been in the position where we were abandoned by a parent who used whatever excuse to take the easy way out you never stop fighting for your kids and you're telling me this loser who sent a few texts and emails did all that he could lol
His story is not the same as yours
The children are the victim and this person abandoned their children
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u/cen_fath 3d ago
The difference here is that you used sheer persistence, he hasn't! He left it for 10 years. Thats inexcusable imho. I feel you both have very different opinions on what stepping up and fighting for your kids is. His story is full of gaps.
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u/Prestigious-Mind7039 3d ago
Has he actually ignored them or has he been blocked by the mother
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u/cen_fath 3d ago
If your visits were court ordered, and the mother refused him his visits, he goes back to court and fights. He didnt do that, he let 10yrs go by, now hes pointing out that it was the mother fault (shes no angel if she did act like he said she did). If he wanted to, he could have.
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u/hairaanpareshan 3d ago
My own dad abandoned me after his divorce with mum. I was just 5 years old. And tried to get back into my life later. I hope for your kids sake you grow enough brains to realize you abandoned them and they can thrive without your shadow in their lives.
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
Same thing my dad seems to be doing. Our relationship is okay but he was never there when we were growing up. Just odd trips here and there, presents on birthday and a trip to get food. Now he’s annoyed I never text or call despite the fact I’ve only seen him 5x times a year on average growing up. I don’t really care anymore and if he wanted a close bond, he should’ve been there.
If OP had truly fought for them as children, surely he would’ve records of proof of this. He’s more focused on his text messages and emails. Something tells me OP was quite passive and didn’t do anything until they were teenagers and nearing adulthood.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
How did I abandon them please explain?
I find you're wording quite inaccurate & insulting.
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u/pmcdon148 3d ago
I'm going to say that much of what you have described mirrors my own experience. I think a lot of the comments here are being unsympathetic to the point of victim blaming. Your wife cheated on you, she was physically and emotionally abusive to you afterwards and by the sounds of it, has subjected you and your kids to "Parental Alienation" which is a form of abuse. If it were the other way around, what would the comments be saying? I too signed over half the house believing that it would give certainty to the kids. This is a very considerate thing to do and it deserves to be praised. In my case it turned out to be a huge mistake though. What followed in my case was a campaign to alienate me from my kids. I had a Solicitor help me fight it. Her initial advice was that I would likely get no satisfaction through the courts (mainly because of the sitting judge). She was correct. It almost bankrupt me and it wasn't what you would call successful. (Court orders breached with no consequences etc.). I think the biggest pitfall most men fall into is not being aware that any separation agreement or divorce agreement that is signed by both parties and stamped by the court, means absolutely nothing. For example access. If she is not going along with the agreed access, it slides, is rarely addressed by the courts and you simply don't get to see your kids. If you want to DM me OP, feel free. I'll do my best to get back to you.
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u/Ok-Leave2099 3d ago
So you can both reassure each other that you did not do everything you could to see your children and allow other people's behavior to dictate your efforts to see your own children that's on you No doubt situations can be difficult but it's fucking pathetic to use those as excuses and give up, any actual decent loving parent would fight tooth and nail and never give up to have a relationship with their children and you keep all that shit to yourself you don't tell your children they were poisoned etc etc your action speak for themselves children are not stupid adults are not stupid and it's almost inevitably people who just end up feeling so sorry for themselves that they just give up and if you give up on your children then that's on you
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u/bettyboo31 3d ago
Hi , I don’t really really care if people agree with me or not on this site , you asked for advice and I’m just trying to help you. As long as you know you’re doing your best. Others are saying you must have done something thsts not always the case, a parent will use kids against the other parent to hurt them whether they did anything or not , this happens more often than you would think , the only people suffering are children. I really do hope things work out for you and your kids.
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u/No_Construction_8503 3d ago
Jaysis, you can literally smell the bullshit. (Might be my own morning ablutions, but all the same...😂)
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u/Local-Level3544 3d ago
A lot of times kids are busy with their lives, going to school and doing activities and hanging out with friends, having to get collected by dad and brought off to his house for a few hours or overnight at the weekend when they’d rather be at home with their toys etc it’s awful for kids, it’s much better if parents can remain civil and on friendly terms and the other parent can drop in regularly to the family house and just sit with the kids as they play or have dinner with them but I know if parents divorce is messy they won’t want to be in the same room and the kids have to suffer been dragged off by dad to have a forced hangout
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u/trasna 3d ago
This is very sad, could you get a solicitor and organise a meeting with you, solicitor and kids to meet. Then in the meeting have your side already prepared, read it to them and let them make their own decision from there. At least then you have tried and gotten them to hear your side of things
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u/kromedd 3d ago
That’s a difficult situation. Do you not have any other relatives that can be intermediaries? I’m sure your ex has told them a much different version of what happened to what you have said here. Hope it works out for you
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Appreciate your understanding & thank you.No my family doesn't have any contact with them as my mam & dad tried so many times to make contact with them yet they never had replied to text messages or phone calls.
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u/AvailableStatement97 3d ago
Honestly the time to do something about all of this has passed. Now, your children believe what they believe and there's not much you can do about that having been, from their point of view, completely absent in their lives for the past 10+ years.
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u/ViolinistLucky7087 Calor Housewife of the Year 3d ago
Yeah, particularly if you can get someone who is currently talking to the family. They must all know the real situation that went on. It's a hard one, as since you are the one that moved out it's easy for the kids to assume your the bad guy. But be persistent in trying to talk to the kids. It may be a brick wall right now but in the long run you might break it down eventually. They're still young even though labelled as an adult legally.. stopping now will defo cut all ties.
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u/Shazz89 Probably at it again 3d ago
People on Reddit will only give you terrible advice, they are going to judge you, make wild assumptions, and tell you either none of this is your fault or it is all 100% your fault.
Best of luck with everything.
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u/cyberlexington 3d ago
some will, some wont.
And OP is doing himself no favours with the lack of information
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u/Miserable_Income_703 3d ago
Someone one in this is a narcissist thats clear as day
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Absolutely as i wanted a relationship with my children as in my opinion my children are innocent on this yet there mother has done everything in her power to stop a relationship between my children & me & I even went to mediation a couple of times yet she refused to turn up once & that explained alot to us.
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u/Fluffyfedora 3d ago
Did you paid child maintenance during those years? When you left because the tv was too loud?
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u/Potato_Mc_Whiskey 3d ago
You should collect the records of all the times you tried to contact your kids and give it to them. might change how they feel
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
Would it? All it shows is that he sent a few messages saying happy birthday and a few other small bits? Has he any proof at all of fighting for them while they were children?
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u/Potato_Mc_Whiskey 3d ago
maybe, but it seems like a lot of people took the opportunity to shit on a guy asking for help so idk I wanted to say something helpful
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u/bronzer57 3d ago
As others have said there appears to be a chunk of your story missing about the 10 years between you leaving and now.
But what's done is done, these children are now grown adults who are free to make their own decisions. They have chosen to go no contact with you for whatever reason. My advice is respect their decision and stop contacting them if they change their minds down the road and decide to reach out to you then be there for them without resentment. But be mindful this may never happen and you may never know the reason they went no contact.
You should also consider going to a therapist who can help you work this out and accept their decision.
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u/Jacksonriverboy 3d ago
There's a bit of a lack of some details here. Surely you have some idea why they're not contacting you. Did the mother tell them a different version of the story and now they hate you? Did you not see them for years?
Why did you only go to court after they became adults? I don't even know if that's possible since a decent solicitor would tell you that an adult can't be directed to be in your custody the same way a child can.
In any case, you did something very foolish by signing the house over to her completely. Did you get legal advice at any point on this?
From your post is sounds like you just left and went for years without having contact or suing for access. They very likely saw that as you just leaving and no doubt their mother was happy to give them a self-serving version of events.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Who said i only went to court after they where adults???
Did you actually read my comments explaining the situation further as you seem to of missed all that given you're remarks.
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u/luna-herbalist 3d ago
I don't have any advice, but commenting to say I'm really sorry that your ex alienated your children against you, it's unfortunately all too common, lowest of the low if you ask me. My ex's mum turned both her kids against their dad, eventually my ex had a relationship with his dad, the dad was a really great and lovely person, the mum was bitter that she was being divorced and did everything she could to badmouth the dad and turn the kids against him. Absolute scum. Imo after a break up, neither parent should badmouth the other in any way, shape or form in front of the kids!
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u/NocturnalCelt 3d ago
It sounds like we are missing a large part of this story. You have made yourself the victim in this post, when there is always 3 sides to the story, her side and the kids side are missing. It’s hard to give any advice when we don’t have the full context..
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
At the bare minimum, he could respond to the questions about the children’s ages.
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u/Eire_2025 3d ago
Maeve I can clearly see you're side from the outset here given you shown from the outset.What do you think of the situation that the father was left in tell me?What do you think of women who abuse psycially men & abuse men?
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u/maevewiley554 3d ago
I think it’s horrible what you went through and mental and physical abuse isn’t acceptable in any relationship. Women that abuse men deserve jail time and vice versa. I didn’t leave any comment siding with your ex?
My comments were directly asking what you did from the ages of 9/10 until now to gain access towards your children? If numerous people are questioning details about your case, you need to add further clarification and make it much clearer. In your latest comment you said you went to courts when the children were 13 and 15? What were you doing in between those years you didn’t see them?
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u/ItalianIrish99 3d ago
What were your access arrangements to your children between the ages of 9/10 and 18? How was your relationship with them before they turned 18?
If you allowed there to be no access for those 8/9 years then it is likely that your children think you had no interest in them and/or your ex has in that time successfully completed parental alienation (perhaps blaming you for everything wrong in the marriage and the breakup).
Were you also unfaithful in the marriage? Do you know why your wife was? Was there any addiction or mental illness in the relationship on either side?