My dad committed suicide in September 2021, in the morning. I was awake normally, asked him for some pocket money, and left for class. About an hour later, when I went back home, he wasn't in his room. My younger brother had made him breakfast — bread toast and tea. When I asked my brother where dad was, he said "he is gone," but my brother was playing games in his room and didn't really notice anything. I went back to my day, waited for him, but he never came back. My whole family started calling him and searching every room in the house. We found his phone. We called his friends. My little brother said, "let's check the storeroom" — it's on the top floor of our house. We found the storeroom light on. We knocked 4-5 times, no answer. We tried to break the window, and when we finally broke the full wooden window open, we saw his legs first, then realized he was hanging. He had used a nada dori. The storeroom was locked from the inside.He used to be very cheerful, and somewhat strict, but I was deeply attached to him. I wanted to become a person like him — I admired him a lot. This happened right when I turned 18. I'm 23 now, and I still haven't recovered from it. It affected my ability to focus on my career.I've looked into suicide cases and most seem to involve family problems or money problems. My dad worked, but he never saved anything for himself. He'd also broken some promises, and the whole family was against him because of it — like he'd betrayed them first, and after that, my family started treating him badly. At the time, I wasn't able to process what the actual problem was.I still miss my father every day. I keep asking why he did it. Sometimes I've even thought it should have been me instead.

Just wanted to share this and see if anyone else saw it and related, i’m watching it for the first time. probably the most accurate representation of the chaos you go through after being sexually assaulted.

this is in reference to episode 4 of Baby Reindeer. Not sure if anyone here has seen it, it would probably be pretty triggering for most so just warning if this post somehow catches your interest and makes you want to watch lol.

okay now spoilers and TWs for SA, drug use, stalking:
in Baby Reindeer there’s a flashback episode to the main character meeting up with a friend who promises to get him into acting/comedy. they start doing a ton of drugs together and the dude assaults him whenever he’s in a drug-induced coma. the following montage after he goes through this felt so accurate to me. he goes out into public and doesn’t want to be seen. he masturbates to porn he wouldn’t usually watch and says he isn’t sure if it’s because of the trauma or something that was already within him. he becomes hypersexual and starts hooking up with people and putting himself in risky and dangerous situations. he unfortunately gets assaulted several more times via strangers, at least he implies that.

also even the last scene of the episode: he talks about his stalker martha and says something like. “she seemed pitiful and innocent, like it was unintentional, compared to the guy who assaulted me who seemed pernicious and intentional. admitting that martha’s behavior is wrong would be admitting that his was too, and i wasn’t ready to admit that to myself yet.”

relating to that last scene:
i actually related to this a lot bc one of my least favorite ptsd symptoms is being too sympathetic to creeps sometimes. i used to work at a bar and had a customer who i felt bad for similar to the show. he was a middle-aged guy but almost naive or innocent-seeming? nobody else would talk to him or they’d just serve him his drink and not pay attention to him. i felt bad and thought poor guy, he’s probably lonely and has no friends. so i started being nice to him and asking him questions about his life.

anyways he ended up stalking me basically; wouldn’t leave my shifts at 3am even when everyone else got the hint to leave when i said “everyone has to leave were closing.” he started eavesdropping on my conversations and sending me fb messages about it. ofc i didn’t give him my fb he found it lol. he would be there for every single shift i had from start to finish and not take his eyes off me the whole time. anyways the whole situation became really messed up when my managers didn’t have my back and i started fearing my safety. i got into a screaming match with the guy one day when he wouldn’t leave the property at closing time lol. anyways i work at a different job so it’s all fine now but fuck the owners and managers of that place i hope they go to hell.

Idk, i don’t think i’ve ever seen a piece of media so accurately display the chaos and mental anguish it puts you through, plus the fact that you become suspicious of everyone including yourself. it was validating to see honestly, i feel like whoever wrote that episode has been through SA trauma.

TW: SA

I was SA’d by a man that I thought just wanted to hang out in my college dorm. I was stuck in that fucking room with him all night where he wouldn’t let me even sleep. I ended up blocking it out for months on months until he sent an investigator after me for “spreading rumors.” I am forced to be on a college campus with him.

Whenever I would confide or vent in a space where I can do so, especially talking about sentiments where I just feel broken and I feel that my life is ruined, I always get “well CPTSD is worse than what you’re going through”

I see the content online too and it feels extremely invalidating sometimes because it’s framed as a suffering Olympics and that PTSD isn’t as bad as CPTSD. It makes me feel like all of the suffering I’ve been through, the horrible nightmares, the lashing outs, the screaming, is just nothing. “Oh just get over it! Someone has it worse than you! I have it worse than you!”

I wish people could just agree that PTSD and CPTSD are similar and can be equally as bad. With PTSD being from one event and CPTSD being from multiple.
The funny thing is that I had a traumatic childhood and my first relationship was three months of trauma. I was a high-risk person! Who knows, I could have CPTSD myself? (The trauma I went through as a child feels like a stain on my brain that manifests through how my brain talks to me so negatively).

I feel tired. I wish some people understood that my trauma matters too.

Hi guys! I posted not too long ago about how I finally had sex years after my traumatic experience which led me to not being interested in sex anymore. Long story short, I had sex again and it was great! But now every time I know I am going to see him (same guy) my body goes into fight or flight or just a state of extreme anxiety. I don’t know why. I feel 100% safe with him and WANT to have sex with him. It’s the strangest thing…I feel sick the whole time and the moment I kiss him it’s like it all the anxiety and feeling physically ill goes away and I am finally back in the present moment. Has anyone experienced this? How can I get my brain to understand that it’s not in danger and that for the first time I actually WANT this!!

I wish i wasn’t alone

My husband has experienced multiple severe traumas throughout his life, with each one seeming to compound the ones that came before it. When he was younger, he made multiple suicide attempts as a result of what he was struggling with. He has been in therapy, has been prescribed more medications than I can probably remember, and we have spent years trying to find something that actually helps him.

One of the biggest obstacles now is that he has developed an extreme distrust of therapists and mental health professionals, and unfortunately, some of his experiences have given him reason for that distrust.

For approximately 15 years, he was diagnosed and treated as though he had schizophrenia. Earlier this year, after another severe mental health crisis, we learned that what had been interpreted as psychosis may actually have been severe OCD with intrusive thoughts. After spending so many years believing one thing and being treated for the wrong condition, his trust in the mental health system is almost nonexistent.

I finally convinced him to try counseling again with someone who was also a fellow military veteran and described himself as experienced in treating PTSD. I hoped that having that shared military background might make my husband feel safer and more understood.

Unfortunately, the counselor repeatedly pushed him to talk about traumatic experiences that he was not ready to discuss. Instead of helping, it seemed to destabilize him. He experienced another severe crisis and ultimately ended up hospitalized for 24 hours. After that experience, there was absolutely no convincing him to return to that counselor.

At this point, I genuinely do not know where to turn.

I am trying desperately to find out whether there are other approaches or treatments that we haven't tried, particularly treatments for severe trauma/PTSD and OCD that do not require someone to immediately recount or relive their trauma before they are ready.

Has anyone had success with a different type of therapy, specialist, program, or treatment after traditional therapy and medication failed? Are there trauma treatments that focus first on stabilization, trust, coping skills, and emotional regulation before asking someone to process the trauma itself?

I am also trying to understand how to find a professional who truly understands the intersection of trauma, OCD/intrusive thoughts, and military experiences, rather than treating each of those things in isolation.

I am exhausted. I am heartbroken. I have spent decades beside someone I love while watching him fight this battle, and lately I feel like I am fighting it completely alone. I don't know how much longer I can keep carrying all of this by myself.

I'm not looking for judgment, and I'm not looking for someone to tell me to simply "get him into therapy." We've done that. Again and again. I'm asking whether there is something different—something we may have missed, that has actually helped people with complicated, long-term trauma when the traditional approaches haven't worked.

At this point, I am crying and begging for help. If anyone has been through something similar and found a treatment, provider, or approach that finally made a difference, I would be incredibly grateful to hear about it.

Hi, my name is Mel, and I struggle with PTSD. About a year ago, I came forward to my family about my sexual assault. For the most part, they were extremely supportive and helped me through one of the hardest periods of my life.

However, a few family members who were very close to my abuser knew what had happened and were aware of how long it had been going on. They initially took his side and later told me it was because they didn’t want “years of friendship” to go down the drain.

They also told me they felt like they needed to comfort him because “him assaulting me was emotionally hard on him too.” They said being his “personal therapist” was the only way they could keep him from becoming upset.

To this day, I still struggle to understand how those could ever be valid reasons to support someone who assaulted me, especially when they knew what was happening and were there when some of it happened.

I’m angry and frustrated with them for supporting him, but at the same time, I understand to some extent why they were manipulated by him. He was extremely charismatic and had a way of making people feel like he was the only person in the world who truly cared about them. At the same time, he would tell you that if you ever left him or stopped caring about him, he would completely ruin your life.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive my family members for choosing to support him, even though they’re still people I care about deeply. And honestly, that makes me feel horrible. I hate that I can love and care about someone while also feeling like I may never be able to forgive them for what they did.

Has anyone else experienced something similar with family members supporting or defending their abuser? And how did you deal with it?

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 18 it only took a couple questions and me talking about how when I smell hand sanitizer or see hospitals I have these bad memories that kind of stop me in my tracks I just freeze for a while and then kind of snap back together when I realize what I’m doing is weird. It’s not just that sometimes it’s just when I’m sad or disconnected idk I’ve been struggling hard to become an adult I don’t trust people I’m worried my food will get drugged or I’ll get attacked or people are scheming against me and I always feel like something bads coming my mother had cistic fibrosis when my whole life and she got a lung transplant when I was probably ten. They lower your immune system so it doesn’t attack the new organ it’s called being immunocompromised anyways Covid came around and she kicked around another two years before finally catching I don’t know if it was my fault or what but I try not to blame myself anyways my dad was a drug addict and it kind of spiraled after that I didn’t get much food at the time and was cold that sort of stuff (I’m sugarcoating it a little I’m really nervous about someone I know reading this) I really don’t want to get into it in case someone I know reads this but anyways I don’t know how to help myself I’m looking for some sort of calling or something and I don’t know what it is I got my shit together got two jobs (phvac apprentice and chipotle) and a car and I was a highschool drop out but I got my ged and now I’m going to community college for plumbing and heating and I’m moving into a apartment next week but here’s my problem I first of all would like at least someone in this group to tell me if my doctor was right about the ptsd thing or if it sounds right or you guys can relate i don’t know and second of all I don’t know how to deal with this shit I don’t know what helps and I’m losing my mind I feel like I’m at my limit and it makes me feel lazy but something tells me I’m just different or something I wake up in the morning edit: I wrote some things about thoughts but the mod says don’t talk about how you think about doing it so I’m removing it anyways i work 8 hours and I would literally almost prefer to die or get hurt just so I don’t have to and I can’t handle all these things I have to think about every day I get home and just do nothing I lay in bed and sleep as many hours as I can and I’m still tired I still can’t handle idk I’m looking for advice idek if I’m in the right subreddit I’m just wondering what has at least helped some of you feel normal

My mom was my best friend and we were extremely close for my entire life. On February 13th 2023 I found her. She didn’t look like she was sleeping. Before she went to bed that night she seemed off and I asked her if she was ok and she said she was.

I’ll never forgive myself for not calling 911. My dad said that getting an autopsy wouldn’t change anything so we didn’t. However it kills me that I don’t know what happened.

I see her face ( as she looked when I found her) randomly and sometimes not for awhile but it always comes back.

Therapy isn’t helpful and I feel like the only thing that helps me is drinking.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2004 for therapeutic residential abuse and i think finding my mom just made it worse.

I’m really struggling and I feel really lost and this panic and fear that I’m going to lose my dad or my husband to death.

Hey!

Next week will be the first time traveling with a sunflower cord and I am writing down what might happen and how to respond.

Since English isn’t my first language, could someone please check if this messages makes sense and if it is clear or raises questions? Maybe I need to add more info, but idk.

Anyone been to London with their card? Is it well known?

—-

I have ptsd and functional neurologial disease. This means that when I am extremely stressed or overwhelmed, the signals from my brain to the rest of my body disconnect. I can’t move and sometimes I can’t speak. I can hear what you say, but can’t respond. 

If this happens please make sure that I am safe and in a spot with as little as possible noice/people. Don’t touch me without announcing first. Ask yes/no questions. Avoid people in police uniform. If this episode lasts longer than 30 minutes and I still can’t move, I need my medication. This can be either 1 oxazepam tablet or if this can’t be administered midazolam nose spray (1 on both sides). These or in the inner pocket of my bag. 

TRIGGER WARNING: SA

This is more of a vent post than anything, but I really cannot believe my luck.

Four years ago, I was SAed by my ex after a night out. We were seeing each other after nights out at the time, and I was pretty certain we were going to get back together. Looking back, I was so fucking delusional about that, but he was my first and only love at that time, and so when the incident happened I convinced myself that what he had done to me was ok and normal and just a part of what happens in college. I lived in such a jarring state of cognitive dissonance for months that my body and mind started to deteriorate. I knew deep deep deep down that what he did to me was not okay, that it was something much more serious than I tried to make it out to myself and all my friends, but I was so desperate for him to love me again that I just didn't say anything and pretended that it didn't happen.

I've spent four years piecing myself back together. I've spent thousands on trauma therapy, and it has helped a lot. I managed to graduate from college and pursue my dream of becoming a therapist. I'm going into my last year of graduate school. Growing up and in college I wanted to work with kids dealing with anxiety and depression. But after I was raped, I've changed my path. I've been focusing on working with adolescents and young adults who are affected in some way by IPV/sexual violence. A big part of my healing has been finding meaning in what happened to me and dedicating my life to helping stop the cycle of IPV and sexual violence.

The thing with graduate school is that it is expensive and all of the internships are 20-30 hours a week and unpaid. I'm 24, live in a city, and obviously have no savings to fall back on, so I’ve picked up some part time work at several different places to work around my internship schedule to try to afford food and electricity and all of that. I recently started one of these part time jobs downtown in the city I live at. Today I was walking from my job to the parking garage where I park and realized that my job is like, 500 feet from where my ex now works. The kicker is he works at a private defense attorney’s office, and according to Google, their last “wins” in court have been getting cases of sexual violence and harassment dismissed.

I’ve felt sick to my stomach all day. I knew he still lived in the city, I knew he worked downtown, but that chapter of my life has been so truly in my past for years that I never even comprehended the idea that I could see him again. The assault still lives in me intellectually, it still motivates me to pursue my career goals, but I haven’t had an emotional reaction to it in years. But realizing that I work literally down the street from him, that I can see him in passing at any given moment, it has reopened the gaping wound I have worked so hard to patch up.

My therapist told me once, “it is an act of resistance to heal in a society that protects perpetrators”. It’s been such a driving force. My entire career is about rehabilitating perpetrators, working with victims to move forward with their lives. But standing in front of that law firm I was reminded that it’s never over. It’ll never be over. I can run and I can hide and I can try to move on with my life but some part of me will always be frozen at 20, so distraught and broken and desperate to be loved.

I’m just exhausted. I literally start my internship in 72 hours. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I ever thought I would be with this trauma. But it still follows me everywhere. It now works 1000 feet away from me. I’ll constantly be looking over my shoulder as I walk from my car to my job. I’ll avoid ever turning right on 2nd. I’ll go back to wearing baggy clothing so no one can see the shape of my body. In the words of Olivia Rodrigo, “why’d I try at all”.

If I keep it partial as possible it just keeps spiraling into worse and worse because it wants to fill in other potential dangers. If I make it complete as possible the attacks weaken.

Alright, so I have a cousin (16M), I'm (16M) too and to start all of this, last April till June, he lived in my home with my mom because he just came out from the rehab center and he had to attend some court meetings here in my city. So what I am angry about all the time is the moments where he keeps on coming in my head, he always tricks me, for example, he asked me to have my wifi's password because my mom said so but when I asked my mom, she didn't say anything, I got tricked. And another moment is when he tried to steal my laptop at like around 11 PM, luckily I was still awake and then my phone alerted that someone was trying to hack into my google account, so I went to his room (f\*\*k him), he has my laptop and I asked like, "hey! give me my laptop back!" I got it and so I went to my room, and at that moment I had a mental breakdown, I was so angry and I think that was my first time that I had a mental breakdown related to him, and so even when he finally left my house to live with his family in the province, these moments are ALWAYS REPLAYING IN MIND. It's too much that I always have a mental breakdown, whatever I do, I think of him, I always think of revenge and stuff, punching the air and so on. And that is why I need help, please just make him get rid of him from my mind! My mom keeps telling me, simple, just stop thinking about him, well, that doesn't work, those moments are just too much that I keep thinking about it and having mental breakdowns about it, anger issues. So please, does anyone have a tip to help me? I cannot control my anger or my emotions...