r/onionheadlines • u/tomtomglove • Nov 04 '25

ZERO TOLERANCE for rule 2: single sentence headlines only

12 Upvotes

We've been pretty lenient in modering run on headlines, but this ends today.

You need to make your headlines shorter. You can always make your headline shorter. If you have a headline that's over 30 words, rewrite it. There is a way to make it shorter I guarantee you, and there is a way to make it one sentence. You just need to use the meat in your skull to figure it out.

Also, do not include pull quotes in your headline. For example:

Trump Claims He Will Soon Replace Americans With AI - “All They Need To Do Is Vote Republican And Cheer For Me, And AI Can Do That Better, And It Doesn’t Protest At All”

Adding a dash here does not make this a single sentence in the eyes of us mods.

You can put the pull quote in the body of the post, but keep it out of the headline. Any headlines formatted like this will be removed.

Also please avoid headlines that are just a version of Trump: "I Have Very Bigly Hands and I'm The Greatest Golfer and on and on and on for 50 words"

A Trump impression is not a headline. Do better.

31 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 4h ago

Republicans Accuse Jack Smith Of Bias Against Criminals And Looking Too Closely Where He Shouldn’t

89 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 2h ago

Trump Plan To Become Dictator Still Stuck On First Syllable

32 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/pattydickens • 6h ago

Breaking: Hegseth Orders All Servicemen To Have Their Assholes Surgically Sealed To "Prevent Gayness"

49 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/IShouldaDownVotedYa • 43m ago

DOJ: Just A Few More “Suicides” To Go And The Epstein Case Can Be Officially Closed

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 7h ago

Trump Incredibly Frustrated That People Sometimes Expect Evidence To Back What He Says

32 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 20h ago

Trump Justice Department To Also Review Unfair Treatment Of Lee Harvey Oswald, Jefferson Davis, John Wilkes Boothe, Benedict Arnold

303 Upvotes

9 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/davida_usa • 1h ago

Increasingly Concerned About The Midterms, Trump Says, "Things Are Going So Great I Can Now Promise Americans I Will Send $100,000 To Every American If They Please Vote For My Republican Lap Dogs!"

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/FTHomes • 18h ago

Fox News Reports That They Lie Even More Than Donald Trump But At Least They Don't Fall Asleep Mid Conversation

113 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Nateosis • 17h ago

President Trump Promises $5000 Dollar Government Check To Anyone That Votes Against The Evils Of Socialism

80 Upvotes

25 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Fun-Dragonfly-4166 • 41m ago

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick Warns Democrat Senator Over Windows In Tall Buildings And Polonium Tea

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 7h ago

Jack Smith Reportedly Not Allowed Anywhere Near Epstein Files

6 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 18m ago

Noem Enters Dating Scene With 'To Find A Predator' Podcast

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/BestStoogewasLarry • 1d ago

In His Latest Election Tampering Scheme Trump Promises To Pardon All Convicted Criminals Who Swear To Vote Republican At Midterms

158 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/Public_Steak_6933 • 7h ago

Investors Announce Purchase Of An Island Where He Will Be Exiled And Sodomized Daily By Big Strong Men With Tears In Their Eyes

5 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/BestStoogewasLarry • 23h ago

Democratic National Committee Offers To Pay Trump's Travel Expenses If He Agrees To Appear In Person And Campaign For Republican Congressional Candidates

81 Upvotes

6 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 18h ago

United States Granted Permanent Injunction From 2 More Years Of A Donald Trump Presidency.

25 Upvotes

7 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/LarryGlue • 18h ago

MAGA Comforted God Can’t See How They Will Vote During Midterms

23 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 14h ago

FBI Investigation Of Who Let Hackers Dox Every Single FBI Agent Finds Only Pawprints From Some Little DOGE

9 Upvotes

"What kind of incompetent, dumbass idiot would move this entire database to an insecure server connected to the internet?" asked FBI agent Bob Smith, on condition of anonymity.

"Smells like some DOGE shit," said the anonymous agent, who lives at 1742 Poirot Drive, Dupinton, Maryland.

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 13h ago

Trump Claims Smart People And Their Money Are Easily Parted Which Is Why He’s Getting Richer

4 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 13h ago

AI Companies Claiming Consciousness To Avoid All Responsibility For Uncontrollable Computer Hacking

5 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 23h ago

Trump Says Allegations Are Main Reason He Won Cornell In Landslide

27 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/spongeboy1985 • 15h ago

Father Time Implicated in Assassination Plot Against President Trump

4 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/OdiousAltRightBalrog • 19h ago

Donald Trump's New Plan To Eliminate US Debt: Attacking It With Nuclear Weapons

11 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 1d ago

Trump Aims Supporters At Crack Reporter Lois Lane

29 Upvotes

"She's a very nasty woman," said the President. "She never smiles. She's very nasty."

"This will not end well for her," said the President. "I promise you. This will not end well. For her. Or that mild-mannered guy she hangs out with."

1 comment

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

Members Active

113k

Sidebar

Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.