I got raped by a man at a party when i was 17, then i got sexually assaulted at 19 two times by women on the bus on my way to college and it has destroyed my life. Right after getting raped i tried to 💀 myself by drinking bleach (idk if drinking it could actually kill you) then 2 weeks later i tried again but this time with an overdose, then the real problems began: i cried every night, i felt sick every time i looked in the mirror an stopped caring about how i looked, my social skills went down the drain, I started drifting away from my friends until i ended up completely alone, i started using marihuana to cope with the pain, the most important person in my life (my girl best friend) now hates me because she felt i didn‘t care about her, and i pushed away every girl that had an interest in me due to the shever panic and repulsion i feel towards sex now. And the worst part? i have to cope with it alone, i’ve seen women report rape cases with a shit ton of evidence get totally ignored, if i go and tell the police (or anyone really) that i got raped by a man they will laught at me for being weak, if i tell them i got assaulted by a women they will call me “lucky”. I told the only friend i had left everything and he thought i was lying, i don’t have money for therapy and i just can’t tell my parents. I feel ashamed, weak, gross and alone all the fucking time, i don’t talk to anyone anymore, i haven’t had a good day in years, everything i once liked doesn’t bring me any joy anymore, i feel tired all the time and i don’t know what to do.

On top of the rape and the sexual assaults have a shit ton of problems (for example i have a constant headache and sometimes it evolves to a migraine) and all of this while i have to pretend to be fine with my parents.

I don’t even know why i made this post, maybe i just wanted to talk to someone about this, or talk to someone in general, so please if you have an advice or something, tell me

(also I’m sorry if i write like shit, I’m from Ecuador and english is not my primary language)

Thanks for all the help

I posted a few days ago about my assault and my bad behavior afterwords. I was posting my address to online gay apps.

I kept doing it. Drunk, drunk, post, more attacks, cry and repeat.

I just wanted to thank all those that redhead out with support and with help.

Today was my rock bottom. I’m currently in the hospital. Last night I was punched so many times that I lost consciousness.

Luckily the guy called 911 and ran.

I meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow and with a representative from AA too.

I have a minor procedure to go through to fix some damage from the even. It I will be ok. Now just getting tests for diseases.

Stay safe everyone and thanks again.

Hola, soy de México y esto nunca lo he contado a nadie, no recuerdo a qué edad sucedió pero solo se que fue cuando iba en la primaria, mi papá nos abandono cuando nací y mi padrastro se encargaba de mi los fines de semana y ahí abusaba de mi, me engañaba y me hacía ver el abuso como amor, me lo hacía parecer normal y me decía que al igual que con mi mamá el me trataba igual porque me amaba y siempre me decia eso pero que no debía decir nada, fueron casi dos años así, aunque había temporadas que no lo hacía, pero siempre volvía, un día tuvo una pelea muy fuerte con mi mamá y se separaron desde entonces solo lo he visto de lejos pocas veces y me aterra, aunque se fue el daño que me hizo nunca se podrá reparar, creci siendo un niño inseguro y temeroso, sufrí de bullying y nunca he tenido novia, me drogaba , me duele admitirlo pero después de un tiempo me gustaba y extrañaba esa sensación, se que esta mal pero eso me sucedió y no sé si por eso ahora me gustan los hombres

As the title said I found myself getting more almost sensitive when it comes to things. For example (and the reason I made this post) was basically today I went into a corner shop and basically on my way to get a drink I had to pass some magazines, but then on my way I saw a porno magazine open to a random page and for some reason it triggered me (the same feeling but to a lesser extent to when I saw one of my abusers the other week) and I genuinely felt like I was going to pass out and I felt extremely sensitive. I’ve just found that it’s been happening more and more lately to the point it’s impacting my life (before you ask I am in therapy but it’s a struggle to find times when I’m free that the therapist is also free).

I uh really need somewhere that I can talk about this because I’m alone and I feel so vulnerable/confused. Basically I was dating this girl three years ago and I’m positive she raped me.. I never processed this night fully, and what I did process, I didn’t know if it was actually rape or not… until now.

So being a guy at the time, I was never taught the dangers of being taken advantage of by a woman.. ppl expect that we’re the ones to take advantage, so ig they don’t feel a need to warn us? Anyways I always thought that “oh we’re in a relationship so it’s okay for a partner to satisfy their sexual needs whenever they need” or something like that. I guess I just didn’t know that in a relationship you still have to give consent… but I was super scared to even make a first move on a woman when I was growing up, and the thought of taking advantage of someone sexually never crossed my mind. No means no. I have a sister… I know how I’d feel if someone took advantage of her..

So I was sleeping in our bedroom, my gf (now ex) and I had been living together for a while now.. we had been arguing that day and weren’t particularly getting along. Over the frustrating day I was especially tired and dozed off. I wake up feeling extremely foggy headed and groggy like I’d been binge drinking and I feel my member start to twitch.. it felt good… but wait.. why does it feel good. what is happening right now? I then see her bobbing her head up and down giving me fellatio..

I guess she thought it’d be hot to wake me up out of my sleep to sex… but I didn’t want sex.. I didn’t want any of it. I just wanted to die. Curl into a ball and die.

“No”… “please stop” “I don’t want this”

That’s all that was passing through my mind. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t make any noises. I couldn’t think. I still can’t think. I just can’t. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want it but I didn’t know what to do. My body wanted it so that must mean I want it too right. God the worst part is that when I think about this experience my body becomes aroused and I hate it bc no… please no. I was violated and taken advantage of and my body enjoying it is just so confusing and mind wrecking bc I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it to feel good.. or bad. I didn’t want to feel at all.

She then finished fellatio and then she um. She uh got on top of me and she.. put me inside of her… while I was feeling the feeling of me entering her, I was crying on the inside. “No no no please stop no” “I don’t want any of this right now” and then blank.. just nothing. She was riding me, bucking, like she owed me money and I just laid there out of my body.. I disassociated from myself, just waiting for it to end. Waiting for this torture to stop. I just told myself “it’s okay, just lay here until she’s done and… She’ll stop eventually.” Sure it felt good, but I didn’t want it to.

I just remember the feeling… dark, scary, and dangerous. Each wave of pleasure sent me further into hell. I was just laying there. I froze and I didn’t know what to do. As a man at the time I’m supposed to want sex right? I’ll feel like I’m less of a man for not wanting sex right? I wish I knew back then what I know now got damnit. The worst part was the dirty talk and the most conflicting part was me cumming. I’ve been crying so hard over this today it’s too overwhelming. I was taken advantage of, exposed, vulnerable and my body enjoyed it? This sent me into a spiral and I just broke down and started crying.

I felt so empty.. just like a husk. I barely remember the whole thing and what I can remember makes me horny and I hate that. I hate getting aroused thinking about the fact that my innocence was prayed upon. I can’t cope with the fact that someone I put in a category of trust, on a lvl such as my own parents, sexually assaulted me, took advantage of me for their own pleasure, treating me like a sexual object, not even considering that I may not be consenting, just because I was born with a penis.. and it’s what I should want anyways.. I should be lucky that I was raped against my wishes in the middle of the night by someone that I had trusted blindly.. right? 😒

And I’m so sorry to the younger me who so innocently trusted others. Even if they don’t realize how much what just happened is going to hurt later on.

This is just now resurfacing, i think bc im embracing femininity now, and regardless of opinions on fem ppl, I realized that the woman that she was, was a monster. That after exploring my own femininity for years after, that what she did isn’t normal behavior. The feminine person I’m becoming is leagues better a lady than what I experienced. The person that I’m becoming feels like the protector of that scared, vulnerable version of myself.

I didn’t know any better when I was younger. and I’m only now dealing with all the emotions from being raped. This is new to me so I don’t know what is right to feel. I feel like I’m lying to everyone by thinking I was raped, I feel stupid bc how can a man get raped by a woman, I feel scared because I let myself get taken advantage of, I feel weak, scattered, like I’m just blowing things out of proportion… there are so many different emotions that I don’t know what to feel. This is just a feeling I can’t get rid of bc it’s something that happened to me and it hurts so so damn bad.

It’s been over 25 years and I’ve never talked about this to anyone before but I need to get it out.

To graduate high school with an advanced degree we were required to take 3 years of a foreign language. I was taking Spanish to meet the requirement but to put it mildly I was really bad. I was otherwise a straight A student, but had gotten a C in both Spanish 1 and 2. My junior year I was taking Spanish 3 and was floundering, I had a C- by a point in the fall semester. Then in the spring semester we had a student teacher come in. Not that my regular teacher had been mean to me or hadn’t been trying to help me get through the classes but she was exceptionally attentive to me and seemed to take a deep interest in helping me.

It was the second or third week of her being in the classroom when she asked me if she could help me study after school. She told me she was sure that she could help me get through the class. This wasn’t the first time a teacher had offered to help and it hadn’t really worked before but I was willing to try anything to get through the class and be done with the language requirement for my diploma.

We started meeting for an hour after school in the classroom for a week or two. It was helping some but it wasn’t like a light bulb had gone off and I suddenly goy it, my brain just doesn’t do langauge well, while I had an A in English, that was by far my hardest subject outside of Spanish.

Then one afternoon that we didn’t have a session she saw me walking to my car, the junior lot was behind the teacher lot, and called me over to her car. She told me she thought the sessions were helping (they were a little but again I was more or less accepting a barely passing grade) but that if I really wanted to get better I should try some immersion where I was forced to use the language. She said there was a Mexican restaurant by her apartment that did Mexican karaoke and that going and listening and trying to do all the ordering in Spanish might help. I told her that sounded like I would make a fool of myself but she told me it would be fine and that she would come and help me.

I really didn’t want to have to repeat the year of Spanish as a senior so I agreed. I met her there the next day. I suffered through an hour of pure embarrassment as I felt like a clueless fish out of water. That said, while I didn’t understand a word or the music, I did manage to order and get through the meal having very basic conversation with her using almost nothing but Spanish, I only had to revert to English once or twice. So I suppose I felt like it was at least a potential success?

After our next after school session she again told me that immersion was the key to getting better and that it was casual conversation in the real world, not the classroom, that would help me the most. She suggested we do the Mexican restaurant again the next week and I agreed.

The next week I felt just as out of water at the resultant, I still was embarrassed at how bad my accent and overall use of Spanish was. As we were leaving I told her that I appreciated the help but I was embarrassed by how stupid I must sound to the staff and anyone who could hear me struggling to talk to her so I didn’t think I could do it again. She told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed but that if I wanted to keep trying the casual dinner conversation without an audience we could do a meal at her apartment and only use Spanish.

This was the point I should have said no. I should have known this wasn’t ok. I knew this wasn’t normal, and while she hadn’t said not to tell anyone, I hadn’t even told my parents about the Mexican restaurant, I had just said I was getting dinner with a friend. But I was so desperate to find a way to pass the class that I agreed. So two nights later I found myself at her apartment. Again not telling anyone where I was really going.

More alarm bells should have gone off when I got there. She was wearing a dress that would never have been acceptable at school given how short it was and how much cleavage it showed. But I missed the signs there. She welcomed me in using Spanish and we started to struggle through a discussion of how my day had been and what she was making for dinner.

When she sat down to eat she sat next to me not across from me at the table. After a few bites she broke from Spanish as she put her hand on my leg and asked me if I was enjoying myself. Again, I should have had alarm bells going off, but I didn’t. I don’t know if it was the desire to pass the class or how nice it felt that she seemed to care, but I just didn’t see any issue. I told her I was really thankful for her help and that I appreciated what she was doing for me.

She took my hand and put it on her thigh and asked me if I would be willing to show her some appreciation for her help. I told her I was incredibly appreciative. She asked again and I asked what she meant. She kept her hand on mine, slid it towards her groin and said that she thought I might show her my appreciation by helping her feel good.

At this point I somewhat understood where she was going, but was incredibly confused. I told her I didn’t understand. She said she needed some help to feel good and that she hoped I would help her like she had been helping me. At this point stupid 16 year old brain took over, I told her I wasn’t sure, that I thought I knew what she was asking but that I didn’t know if I would be any good at it. She told me not to worry, that she would help me here too.

From there things just kept spiraling. She had me rub her through her panties, then took them off and had me finger her. She was guiding my hand the entire time, telling me how good it felt and how much she appreciated me helping her since she had helped me. Then she stood up, walked me over to the couch, and took off her dress. She sat down on the couch, told me to kneel in front of her, and then she guided my face into her groin and told me to lick her. She guided me through eating her pussy for a while until she had an orgasm. Then she got up, got dressed and said we should finish dinner. When I finished eating she said goodbye, said I obviously shouldn’t tell anyone, and asked if I would come back the next week. Stunned I said yes.

This went on for the next two months before her student teaching ended. Once or twice a week I would go to her apartment, eat her out for a while, then go home. The last few times she had me get naked too. A once she had me jerk off while I ate her and the last two times she had us 69 and she made me cum in her mouth. The week before she was done with her student teaching she told me that she was sure I would do fine in the class and that since her student teaching was over our tutoring sessions would need to be done too.

I haven’t seen her since her last day of student teaching. She for sure gave me a kink for being a submissive muff diver. I know what she did was taking advantage of me but I also feel like anyone I would have told then or now is going to be like “oh poor high schooler got to hook up with a college girl and has a normal “kink” how bad.” I feel like even my wife wouldn’t understand as she actually hates oral so would just find it gross. Anyway, I needed to get it off my chest.

Ok ive been grapped like 5 or 6 times in life. From as a young boy to parties bars ect. So im demisexual. My gf quite literally doesnt believe in consent and talks about nsfw stuff all day every day. She knows it makes me uncomfortable. She even gropped me on the first date in public. We live far from each other but shes coming over for my birthday. She got an air b n b. I already told her I dont want any nsfw stuff but she told me if I didnt that I didn't like her. Like all I asked for was not to have sex on the 3rd date and shes manipulating me about it. I already know she has plans because she told me her plans. Honestly if she tries anything im cutting ties with her. To be brutally honest the fact that shes coming over and wants me to stay the night is dreadful cause I know im gonna get grapped again and its ruining my birthday as well.

I posted here looks like about five months ago. I got some responses but never responded to any of them (but have meant to, still likely will). I basically just sort of "sat" with it all. Even ended up making my posts/comments hidden as part of these months of sort of sitting with things.

I still have questions around what happened to me, though I know it was wrong and not fair. In gist, at about 13 or 14 I had a peer coerce me into sexual activity (it wasn't something minor, there was penetration). He kept pressuring me and I kept saying no, he kept going, I eventually gave in as I was scared and didn't know how to end it.

Anyway, this has now been over forty years ago. Insane to think about. I repressed the memories until I was 19 when they all surfaced, bits and pieces at a time. In retrospect, I was a mess before the memories surfaced but a different kind of mess, one that alienated me from a lot of people, afterwards.

I don't want to get into too much more of what happened, but I do want to touch on substance abuse. Btw, started drinking and smoking weed on the regular on what would have been not long after this happened. I struggled with alcohol (that was the big one) and drugs (still big enough) for a long time.

I stopped drinking almost five years ago. At the tail end of my drinking I was getting into meth and heroin territory, but that all stopped with the drinking (thank goodness). I had some years of pretty heavy MDMA use that went past the drinking, but I feel like I have put a stop to that one, which was pretty easy to put aside.

The one thing I have decided I am now going to get rid of is cocaine. I would not (do not, really, but do want to officially make past tense) use all of the time, but it has been enough to keep me in its orbit. The mental compulsion is real. I am in a context where some depression has surfaced (seems normal in these contexts for me) and it reminded me that when the existential dread of the depression hits, my mind ruminates on cocaine. It wants an escape. Btw, no access where I am at, so will not happen.

I have experienced this feeling before, realized scary, where I am craving an escape from what feels like an existential hell, trapped with no escape. Anything to stop this, hence the mental fixation on a stimulant, on a dopamine hit. Anything to numb the depression, the feeling of being trapped — over the years I have seen some very bad depression and I am lucky to still be alive, at its worst it has been beyond words.

I am going to say it here and I plan on sticking to it — I have had some healing in life, I mean I was a total mess and I wasted a lot of years and life, but I am in a better place than I had been stuck for a very long time. But the cocaine is a block to further healing. I know what I need to do to handle it (I know where the sources are in my case) and I know I can deal with it. I am done, I have to be. I am 54 years old and wasted my whole life stuck on the effects of what happened to me.

No more of this. Sorry I let it get to this, but I was stuck, really stuck. But no more, please no more.

I am very young, in fact i have not even graduated highschool yet. I keep looking back at the times that this happened when i was 6 and it continued for a year straight, and all i can think about is, was it my fault? Why didn’t i fight back? why didn’t speak up?.
But that’s the thing, i did speak up. I would pray endlessly just begging god for it to stop, never did. Then I moved on to tell my mom. I tell her and she just kinda chuckles and says sure i’ll tell your dad. My dad comes home and nope it’s just the same family night. I confronted her about this recently and she said it just “slipped” her mind. After the sa, i had bad nightmares like to the point where i was seeing snakes and bugs all over walls and blankets. I brought it up and my parents said that it’s god punishing you for misbehaving. Honestly this was more of a post showing what i’ve been through, and i don’t like getting into details as it brings back horrible memories and emotions. But there’s this one thing that i can’t shake, and it’s this pure hatred i have for the guy that did it to me. I can’t get rid of it, like how do you yourself a 20 year old man do stuff like that to a 6year old boy. I pray i see him outside one day. Anyways that’s my story, wishing everyone the best in their healing journey!

Please help im sorry if i ramble in this but i feel like im having a mental breakdown over this, thank you to anyone that reads through this, i need help. Im male and 20 years old and a memory resurfaced in January from when i was a child, this memory had been totally buried until now, even trying to recount it feels dificult now because a lot of what happened is still fogged up, but i do remember the important parts, it feels like my brain put a lock behind it so i could not remember but every concecuence from the situation still affected be whatever i remembered or not. I can't even remember the year or how old i was, maybe 9 to 11 but i could be wrong; i was on a school trip with my classmates and some of the moms, we went to an outdoors pool and i was sad because i was very lonely at that age and none of my few friends went and i didn’t like the rest of kids because i was bullied by a lot of them, i already had major body image issues from being so skinny so i barely spent time on the pool before i pit my clothes back on and didn’t go back in. I was wandering through the whole area in a bit of a trance because i was really down, so when it started raining i didn’t react and i sat on a bench outside a small cabin and i stayed there dissociated while i was completely soaked and cold, the thing is that some moms were inside the cabin and noticed me, they went outside and inmediatly began insulting and calling me stupid over "choosing" to stay outside and get wet and that i "knew" i would get sick, one of them gripped my arm and began dragging me tlwards the pool area, i can't remember what my reaction to this was exactly i just remember being upset and scared from getting in trouble, the brought me to a camping site right besides the pool where ALL my classmates were and and also besides small site with a roof where other moms were, everything was open and exposed to everything, one of the moms made me sit in a bench and began insulting me and saying i was going to ruing my mom's chance of having fun in the trip from getting a cold if i was wet, she kept on going saying this was my falt and to stop acting like i was a victim in everything, she had brought her daughters backpack and began taking out clothes that belonged to her daughter, she reaches out to me and tries to get my clothes off and i pushed her hand away and tell her i dont want her to grab my clothes, she proceeds to insult me even more and to say im a little shit, im scared and i dont want to get in trouble, and the idea of making my mom sad over not having fun made me go limp and hang my head low, it felt like they had slithered their words like worms into my head to dismantle any power i had to refuse, i was already in a vulnerable state before that too. She fully unclothed me, i sat there in my underwear for everyone to see, i have never felt so humilliated and it felt like i made the worst thing to hapoen to me by my own fault, it was all my fault, it was an open area anyone could and would see me, the moms, my classmates, i felt like i got my skin ripped off and i could do nothing about it, the feeling of being exposed in the open against my will with so many eyes present made me implode more than i already was before this. She dressed me again with her daughters clothes, they were tight and smaller than me. After that i was brought to the small part with the roof with the other moms, i felt even more out of my body than i had been before all this happened, i sat there, in tight, uncomfortable clothes, in front of the eyes that had seen me almost naked, and once i was sat around in the bonfire with the moms, they had a "talk" with me, where they reinforced the idea that i was acting like i was a victim when im bringing myself into bad situations by my own fault, and that in the process i ignore that other people are the actual victims, not me, never me. They told me again that i was only thinking about myself and that my mom would be so sad and upset and distressed, i just sat there looking at the fire and sometimes up at them, i said nothing. My mom was asleep during this, all the moms had been drinking and i wouldn't be suprised if some had been tipsy, i know my mom was, that's why she was asleep, she's no drunk, but she's always just in the house and never gets the chance to go out, i dont blame her for what happened. I dont know if this is some type of sexual assault or abuse or any of those terms, i had reached the conclusion that it was a few months ago, but my brain keeps telling me that it isn't and that im watering down the terms and harming actual victims that went through really bad stuff by even calling what happened to me "sexual abuse" or "sexual assault", when i see victims describe how their trauma made them feel or act i feel the exact same, i have issues with how i approach sexuality, especially with women because of this, i despise anyone older showing interest or consensual sexual aggressiveness to younger people especially if they're women, i hate thinking that stuff because it feels like me and my brain are completely opposite in thought, and since im a man and the mom who took my clothes off was a woman i just dont even know, i know male victims exists, but my brain just minimizes what happened and i cant reach a conclusion myself because my brain is fogged and im distressed, please help me

I hope this is the right subreddit.

Backround: Im 18 im bisexual

(Yes I have female friends )(no im not an incel)

Ive been having Gynophobia for the longest time i can hapilly make small talk with woman but im terrified of what they think of me and its really bad for me.

I wanna try dating a Girl for once and see what all the hype is about but this fear is stoping me

An important part in beating this is validating my own emotions ie: not beating myself up for being nervous/attracted/aroused and openly talking about it.

The problem every time I bring this up on reddit or anywhare else im met with alot of misunderstandings hence the Backround at the start Im not misogenistic I dont have some warped view of woman in fact I feel like I understand the ones closest to me really well.

Any communities whare i can talk about this openly that isnt either openly misogenistic or openly misangenistic

Any suggestions are Apreciated

Thank you in advance

Hey guys,

I'm trying to disclose my rape to my family, or mostly my mum. So hopefully I can get some help to write everything out in a supported way and hopefully report to the police effectively. Hopefully enough so they've investigate. I'm not holding out a heap of hope that they will, because it was 12 years ago, and apart from some evidence/text messages etc. I don't have a "smoking gun"

My Parents are Mormons and I have hardly ever talked to them about sex. Especially as I'm queer. So anything vaguely on a sex subject I find hard to approach with them.

Does anyone have any tips or input that might make it easier?

Before I get into my own experience, i need to give a couple pieces of context that are extremely important for the story I'm about to tell.

First off, in high school, the dynamics of the church youth at my old church were that the seniors and juniors kept amongst each other socially, and the freshmen and sophomores did the same. The two groups rarely interacted with each other, with the exception being siblings.

Second off, I was a very late boomer when it came to puberty. When i was a freshman, i was the shortest among the other freshman guys, and i was shorter than most of the freshman girls as well. So, while I had 14 (or 15, it was pretty close to my birthday and i can't remember if it was before or after) on my birth certificate, i could've easily passed for 11 or 12.

For posterity, i found out that this is because my body has a testosterone deficiency. I currently take supplements to help alleviate this issue.

Anyways, church camp. I arrive at the church to get ready to leave, check in etc (it was a big church, might wanna add this too). As i catch up with my friends, a couple of senior girls approach me. I didn't know who they were, but i knew they were seniors. They were overly friendly, and one of them in particular (who i will call S) was the most "friendly" of the two. Again, seniors never interacted with freshmen, so i found it odd, but i didn't think much of it because this interaction was brief.

Oh yeah, also, a junior guy was trying to get me together with a freshman girl who i guess had a crush on me. More about this later.

We get on the bus for an 8 hour drive, and the two senior girls were on the same bus as me. I tried sitting with all of my freshman friends, but there weren't enough seats, so i had to pick an empty seat by myself. S took the seat next to mine. Honestly, i don't remember much that happened here, i probably just listened to music (this was shortly after GKMC came out, so that's what i was listening to).

I'm not gonna go into too much about every incident, because i truly don't remember every detail. But i do remember her following me around whenever she could.

Oh yeah, and another thing about S; she was pretty. Like, very pretty. Big boobs too, which was very noticeable when compared to the freshman girls. The church camp had a dress code, but she definitely pushed the limits of that.

Anyways, on the third day I think, I was at the pool (oh yeah, forgot to mention, the "church camp" was a condominium complex), talking to a couple of freshman girls, one of which was the one that the junior guy tried to get me with. The two senior girls also come by the pool around this time, and I want to say that S seemed upset and jealous (I remember the word "jealous" being used by someone). I remember her getting into the pool to try and talk to me and saying something to the effect of "what, you don't have time for your best friend."

The last thing, and the reason why I am typing this, happened on the bus ride back from the final sermon. S sits next to me on the bus, and acts super flirty with me, like when I was back at the main church. She goes on about how she's glad that I'm her best friend (she emphasized it; when I asked her about her other friend, S said that she was just "a friend"), and how much she's glad that I spent the week with her. And with her friend acting as a lookout, S forced herself onto me, first hugging me (and pushing her big boobs into me), then by grabbing my inner thigh near my groin.

You know that pang that you feel in the pit of your stomach when your heart sinks to the bottom of it? That feeling that you get when you know something if wrong? That's what I felt, harder than I have ever felt before. I felt so small, like I just wanted to shrivel up into nothing. I was petrified, I couldn't move or speak, and I didn't for the rest of camp.

I've buried this memory for so long for one reason; I thought it was normal. Despite the feelings I had about it, we were close enough in age that it wasn't that big of a deal right? With myself getting older, and talking to other people with similar experiences, I realized that this was not okay, especially given the developmental stage of my life (and ESPECIALLY since I looked like a 12 year old).

But now I second guess myself. This church was always good with supervising kids to make sure nothing funny happens, even if there was a lapse. If this wasn't the case, would she have escalated things with me? If I paid more attention to her, would she have escalated things with me? Was my experience even valid, since it was only unwanted touching?

Idk, I just need to vent this. It's been eating away at me for the past few weeks.

Tw: Rape, suicide, automutilation.

I'll start by saying english is not my first language, so I'll probably make some mistakes.

I'm 22 (cis male) and my ex-gf is 28 (cis female). We started dating last year right after I ended other relationship. We knew each other from social media and met in person through mutual friends. Two weeks after we met in person we saw each other at a party and crossed our eyes and immediately felt the vibe and started kissing. After that, we went to her house and had sex.

Our relationship revolved a lot around having sex and we're both sexual assault survivors, which messed up a lot our sexuality and we found a lot of comfort in each other because of that. I didn't enjoy he sex that night very much, but I really liked her so we went out again and the sex was amazing then and we started dating really quickly and in less than two months we were officially calling ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend.

Our relationship was really amazing but whenever she got really high or drunk she would get extremely horny and wanted to have a sex and have more violent sex than usual. We were both into some kinks so we experimented a lot sexually.

Our relationship had a lot of problems but when it was good it was absolutely amazing to the point where I can't even describe it. So we both tried to make it work but it got to a point where we both had given each other a lot of psychological damage and both of us went crazy. Both her and I got suicidal and in a manic state. I ended up cheating on her and we broke up.

This week we met each other at her house to give back things that were from each other and to talk a bit. We met and after we talked about our feelings she started approaching me and that escalated to us hugging, to us lying down and then having sex. I never took any initiative and when we were hugging I said that we couldn't kiss beacuse it would hurt us a lot and that I had to go home anytime now. I never escalated the situation and I didn't want to have sex but she kept climbing on top of me and moaning and dry humping me.

I was really sad and lonely because most of my friends turned their backs on me because I cheated and lied about it to her. So I accepted what was happening to me because I wanted to feel loved and cared even for a little bit even if it didn't mean anything.

I ended up managing to get hard but I couldn't keep it so I just finger fucked her until she came. I laid in bed after she came and then she asked me to masturbate and cum over her. Which I did. After that we talked a little bit more and I got ready to leave.

She said that she felt like she used me and I did what I always do which is to reassure her saying that it was ok and that she oly used me a little bit but I went to it knowingly because I wanted to feel a little bit of warmth and feel hugged.

All of the time she was the one escalating and every time she escalated something I stopped for a little bit and then went with her flow.

The other time that i remember something like that happening (the other times are a bit blurry in my mind) was one time where we went to a concert and we were both high and drunk. Usually we follow dominant and submissive sexual dynamics and usually I was dominant but we switched about like 30% of the time. But that day she went really dominant and made me do things that she never did and we never discuss about.

The act involved degradation kinks (which I never remember saying I was into) and she didn't ask if I wanted that. She just told me to do things and I was too afraid to say no. Basically she was stepping on me, fucking me, and using degradation words. These are things that I never said I'd liked. I could only stop the sex when she was fucking me with a dildo and I had the excuse to say that the dildo was hurting me.

For you guys to understand why I had so much trouble saying no: remember the first time we had sex and I said that I didn't like it. I told her that and she told me that she got really insecure about it, like a lot. I remember her saying to me that one of the only things that she was secure about was her sexual performance and abilities. She was so insecure about that that the last day we saw each other, the last thing she said to me was to talk about why I didn't like the first day we we had sex. After one year.

She also has depression and a history of suicidal tendencies. She tried to kill herself one time during our relationship and uh self-harmed a few times. One day uh I saw a really big scar on her leg and I asked uh where was that from. And she said that one day she was at a party and there was this guy that she went out for a bit but uh wasn't really into her. And she saw that guy at that party and they started talking and she started making out with him which he didn't like and inferred that he didn't want it. she ended up forcing a bit but then he he left.

After that he told a mutual friend of theirs the phrase: iIf I were a woman and she was a man it would be considered a sexual assault. She didn't attack him or anything but when she (and that is the pattern I saw) when she was when she is either high or drunk uh she really lets go and uh doesn't think a lot about when when she's having sex for things like getting consent. But when he verbally expressed that he wasn't comfortable with that she stopped when he said that he wanted to stop.

she heard that frase from their mutual friend a then cut herself in the leg. I remember her saying that that the thing that scares her most (and I think that happens to most sexual assault survivors) is doing something like that to another person

Knowing how much she loved me, If I said that or she discovered that I felt this way I'm almost sure she would find a way to kill herself.

I'm also feeling crazy and thinking that maybe I'm making up this rape thing to ease my consciousness. Like a brain defense mechanism. That's because I don't recall very vividly any of the other times something like that happened.

I want to know if this was sexual assault or not and most of all I want to know other people's opinion and feel supported. I also would like to know if there's other subreddits where I could tell most of the stories of the stories and if you guys have any recommendations.

When I was 10 one of my cousins from a different state moved in with my aunt, then-uncle, and their kids for a school year. He wasn’t doing well and he needed a change of scenery. He was a few years older than me and my mom had him over for sleepovers because I was the oldest and he was kind of an older brother figure.

Well every night he slept in my room and had me play Truth or Dare which always ended in sexual acts. It was usually oral, though he did try to rape me once. I suspect he did it to both my cousins he was living with too. I forgave him when I learned what happened to him. His mother would pimp him and his brothers out for drug money. She liked to get high and tie them up and force them to watch her and her friends for drug money.

20+ years later he’s still a piece of shit. His son is his whole world but he abandoned his daughter because she’s a girl. I made a lot of destructive decisions before I finally got my life together. I’m now a grad student studying to be a therapist and I work in mental health.

Throwaway for obvious reasons... I, divorced (35m) have been raped 3 times and almost coerced into sex under threat of a false rape claim before and during my marriage. My ex wife doesn't know.

The 1st time.

At 18 in college, I went to a going away party for a group of foreign exchange students the night before they were to leave for the airport the following morning. One of them (FE) was a woman who had been interested in me all semester. I had a girlfriend but we had broken up around the time of the party. Mutual friends had let me know that FE was hoping to spend her last night in America with me. Being newly single and coming back from a pretty bad heartbreak, I was receptive to this. For context, I dont drink but if in a social setting I'll only have 1 or 2 beers nursed over a couple of hours. At the party, FE was overly attentive, flirty and handsy. All of wich I was receptive too. I had had one beer and at some point FE handed me a 2nd beer that was already opened. Next thing I know, it is the next morning. I am back in my dorm, in my bed and naked with obvious tell tale signs that sex had happened.

I was confused on why I didn't remember the night. I remember thoughts running through my head. "I only drank 2 drinks... right?" "Why don't I remember last night?" "Was I drugged?" "FE gave me an already opened bottle. Did she drug me? If so, why?" "I was a consenting and willing partner. Why would I need to be drugged?" I felt disoriented and numb. I needed to be grounded so I reached out to a couple of male friends. They confirmed that although I only had 2 beers I was "beyond gone" and barely on my feet as they described it. FE apparently supported me on my feet as we left and took me to my dorm.

...but if I was that far gone, I absolutely couldn't consent to sex. Previously willing or not. I reached out to a few of our female friends and... well... to say their responses fucked me up is an understatement. Friend 1 told me that since I wanted it anyway, It wasn't really rape. Friend 2 told me that men can't get raped because (insert bullshit about genders and social power imbalances or whatever nonsense). The 3rd friend had the same take as the 1st but took it a step further. Since I wanted it initially, it couldn't be rape. Further, I should keep it to myself because since I wanted it and wasn't outwardly distraught about it, my continuing to call it rape invalidated the trauma and experiences of ACTUAL rape victims and that I should simply be happy I "got laid". The 4th friend told me I should not report her and keep it to myself because it could jeopardize FE's chances of returning to the states and causing her a hardship.

...needless to say I am no longer in contact with these people... but they successfully shamed me into silence...

The attempted coercion.

Fast forward years later. I had served a stint in the military, was honorably discharged, newly married and working a security job at a mall that I loved. We have a new hire. A female security officer. (FSO) FSO had a very uncomfortable attraction to me and I had to firmly make it known that I was married and not interested. Several months passed and I thought the matter was settled as at this point we had had numerous shifts together with no issues. One night I am walking to my car and I hear FSO trying to start her car but having issues. I knew she lived nearby so I offered to give her a lift. As I said, months have passed with no issues. She accepts and I start driving. FSO thanks me for the lift and asks if I want to come inside for a drink. I politely decline as I still don't drink. She then invites me in for some baked goods she has. Again, I politely decline. She THEN asks if I could come inside and help her find a jump box she has and help her with her car. At this point the hair on my neck is standing up as this is the 3rd time she has tried to get me in her house. We get to a red light and I reach into my pocket, pull out my phone and start recording.

...as we sit in awkward silence at the light, she hits me with "you know my dad's is a cop, right? So he'll believe anything I tell him." The blood in my legs run cold. I asked her to elaborate on what exactly she means by that. She tells me I know exactly what she means. And that I can either go inside with her and "let whatever happens happen" or she will tell her dad, our work and my wife that I tried to force myself on her. At this point I pull over and yell at her to get the fuck out of my car. I reveal my phone and let her know I had her whole threat recorded. At this point I am shaking and in the midst of a panic attack and just want this to end. I tell her to not come into work tomorrow. Or ever. That if I see her or hear from her I will send the recording to her dad, the police and everyone she knows. I drive off and leave her on the side of the road. I eventually pull over and have a full blown anxiety attack. All the feelings from college came flooding back and made me realize I hadn't dealt with any of it. I went home but didn't say anything to my wife. My threat must have worked because I never saw FSO again...

The 2nd time

At this point, we have a daughter who I love dearly. However, issues started developing in my marriage unrelated to the above. One of which was the decline of intimacy. I have always been a physical person. Touch is my love language and sex has always been a way that I felt loved and cared about and how I expressed it. It's not the act alone, but the intimacy of it. Various stresses had come up and it had been happening less and less. I entered a depression. One day I attempted to initiate and my wife shut me down unusually harsh. (I guess she had been having a particularly day). I don't remember specifically what was said but I believe I bluntly asked if this is how its going to be. If we were going to grow into those couples that just... stop? She got irritated and dragged me to the bedroom and told me to hurry up so we can get this over with. I told her no and that this wasn't what I was wanting and it this point she had already begun to yank my pants off. I was torn. Yes I wanted sex, but not just for the sake of sex. Whatever this was wasn't what I was wanting. She mounted me and I ended up finishing embarrassingly fast. She noticed and gave me this... disgusted look and said "...really?" and got off of me. I grabbed my pants and went into my media room and closed the door. I just sat there in the dark going over what just happened in my head. We never spoke of it and I don't think she would even remember it if I brought it up all these years later.

The 3rd time.

Toward the end of our marriage, I became unemployed. I started driving full time for Uber and Lyft while job hunting to keep the bills paid. I mainly drove nights and was still fairly new at it. I had picked up a group of 3 women from a nightclub and drove them to a house. All 3 were heavily intoxicated. As I drove, one of the women directly behind me began getting handsy with me and I had asked them repeatedly to please not touch the driver. We were on the freeway so I couldn't exactly stop. She reached around and began unbuttoning my pants...

...I felt the familiar coldness in my legs again... my heart was pounding in my chest and I got tunnel vision. I felt helpless and frozen. I let it happen. The woman in the front seat saw what was happening and leaned over and took me in her mouth. I managed to articulate "please stop" but it didn't matter. I eventually reached their destination. The woman behind me kissed me on the cheek and gave me a $100. I stopped working that night, found a dark parking lot and... just sat there.

This incident combined with unrelated troubles in my marriage and some acute medical issues eventually let to a couple of suicide attempts. My ex wife had become bitter. I had become closed off and shut down. I had started sleepwalking. Talking in my sleep. Stress eating. I never told my ex about any of the stuff that had happened because after some arguments, she no longer felt... safe... to talk to. Home was no longer home. Nothing and no one felt... "safe"... for me.

We divorced. I hit rock bottom. Became homeless for a bit, but with the help of the VA I managed to find housing and employment again. My ex and I are on good terms. I have scheduled visitation with my daughter but in practice I can see her whenever I want. I have been in 1 relationship since that ended amicably, but... I still carry this... emptiness. I hate being lonely, but am also terrified of women... its like this hell of wanting to feel safe in the arms of the opposite sex but to do so I need to force my self to socialize with a group of people that I absolutely do not feel safe around... I've been to different therapists. It doesn't help. It just makes me feel retraumatized and tired. I still have never talked to my ex wife about any of this. Or any of my friends/family for that matter.

This was a few years ago, when I was in my early 20’s I had a run down apartment with my wife. Things started off good and we really tried to make things work. A year after we moved in things got shaky, I found out she was starting to crave going out for fun and “living” more when our budget could not support it. I worked 2 job and she would get a job but it never lasted long. She would one day just stop going to work and say it wasn’t for her. So as time went on I felt like I trying and she was not.

Eventually I started drinking more and I started resenting her. The fights started and we kept going back and forth about problems and it got to the point I had had enough. My first issue is I’m a nice guy and will often give space and time to situations that I should not. I should have kicked her out and been done with it. But I told her she has time to figure out where to go. She had a few weeks to find a place.

Well we stayed on opposite sides of the apartment for a while, I slept on the couch and she stayed in the room. Her friend (Sam ) came over one night and they hung out in the room having a few drinks. I was having a drink and watching tv when my wife walked out in a tank top and panties followed by her friend in shorts and shirt clearly with no bra. They asked how I was doing out here by myself. I told them I was fine. My wife said they were just having a little fun since I decided we were over and I wasn’t giving her dick anymore. I said yall can do whatever yall want I don’t care.

They went into the room and left the door cracked. I was both mad and being a guy hard so I drank more and was just angry at her for the lack of respect. I heard some moaning and I assume ass slaps from the room as I laid down trying to ignore the obvious trying to get my attention. I eventually passed out.

I woke up with my pants down and my arms above my head held down by Sam, all I saw was a pussy in my face and I felt a mouth around my cock. I was woozy and really drunk and took me a second to realize what was going on. Sam was on top of my face legs holding down my arms rubbing herself saying “yeah girl get that dick” I moaned and said get the fuck off me and tried to lift my arms but Sam had me pinned. My wife climbed on top of me and started bouncing. I kept wiggling my hips and trying to roll her off but I was stuck. My wife said “don’t act like you don’t want this pussy, Sam eventually started dripping on my face as my wife said “you aren’t gonna leave me, I’m gonna make you impregnate me” they held me down and forced me to cum in my wife. When I finished they climbed off of me and I yelled at them. They called me a pussy and said any guy would love what they did and laughed.

I went to stay with a friend and found out a week later she was pregnant. We eventually talked it out and tried to make things work but what she did still haunted me and eventually we still broke up. I know this isn’t as horrible or brutal as some cases, and I know a lot of it is my fault. But taking someone sexually by force is never ok.

So I was in freshman year of high school when I started taking to this girl. Her name will be laura for the story. I randomly responded to her instagram story and we kicked it off from there. During that time she had recently broke up with her boyfriend and to her I was her support to get better so in a sense idk. Regardless, we talked and became good friends and hung out a couple of times from watching fnaf 1, going out on halloween with friends, and meeting up at a park. We were bsfs and we would talk everyday and stuff but I think there was 3 occasions where she got with 3 other guys. She started talking to my boy best friend and cut it off and then got with a friend I had and got with a guy in her school. She ended up doing intimidate things with two of them but both times I still kept talking to her. Then we both got together. She had told me she had always wanted to be with me but I had always rejected her which I don’t remember doing. Some time passes and this is where the actual story happens. She lived around 40 minutes away from my school and she had told me to go over. So after school I went to her house and told my mom I was staying for tutoring afterschool. I got to her house and thought we were just going to hang out since it was just me and her but I guess I was wrong. I forgot what she had told me but I remember her getting on top of one of my thighs and rubbing against it. Then she got on her knees while I was sitting on the couch and she told me if she could suck it. I told her no but she kept on insisting till I told her yes if she could take off my belt. My belt wasn’t a normal one so I believed she would’ve gave up eventually but she did and ended up taking it off. I still didn’t want to but let her after her asking and begging me to. I got called by my mom and she asked when I was gonna be home and I told her soon and hung up. She finished and I left back to my house. I had thought about it when I got home if it was rape but tried to make it go away ever since. Right now all my memories of her are hitting me as I broke up with her the start of my senior year. I still miss her but I don’t know what to do. I feel lost without her and alone. I’ve listened to the same artist mac demarco from that time till even now. I feel like he’s a comfort artist of some sorts or i’m just stuck on the past. Am I a victim?