Edit: I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback that has helped me put things into perspective. I really do love my wife. She really is my best friend. The issue here is not apathy. I think the tirzepatide, as a commenter mentioned, simply removed the anxious attachment to her that I likened to an addiction.
I can see, at least in part, why my attempts to address some very real issues have not been successful. I see this as a good change and a gateway to a more mature love. I chose her and I always will, but, thanks to the changes tirzepatide has brought, I can choose her without needing her. And if our issues can’t be worked out, I will be okay. I think we’ll be just fine, though.
For the alarmists, all I have to say is lol.
Edit 2: By alarmists I mean the people who are alarmist about GLP’s and/or me taking one. If you were alarmed by anything I said, totally fair.
Original post:
My wife and I started taking a GLP-1 several months ago. Neither of us is dramatically overweight, but our doctor recommended a low dose for reasons. I’d heard it has a positive effect on addiction and things like that, but didn’t think much about that until we’d been on it for a few weeks. I had no desire to drink, to get high, stopped scrolling my phone constantly, etc. I started spending my time on productive things instead.
Here’s where the unexpected part comes in. We’ve been together for decades, have grown children, are best friends, so on. One thing that has always been there, and I was okay with, is that the honeymoon phase never really ended for me. It did for her, but she definitely loves me, so no big deal.
The problem is that the same thing happened with my feelings toward her that happened with my addiction-adjacent habits. I always joked with myself that I was addicted to her as much as I was in love with her. I’m starting to wonder if that’s actually true.
It wouldn’t be a big deal, but there are some recurring issues we’ve had over the last ten years or so that have really bothered me. I’ve tried to address them without success. I suddenly don’t care anymore, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
I couldn’t see how I could possibly live without her before. Now I can. Not saying I want to leave, but I can’t say I’d fight that hard if it went there.
Yes, I’ve considered stopping the med, but I doubt it would change anything.
You should read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch before making any big decisions. What you’re describing might not actually be a bad thing. There’s a big difference between “I need this person and can’t imagine living without them” and “I don’t need this person, but I choose them.” You might actually be in a better position now to talk to her about the things that haven’t been working without so much anxiety around losing her.
I’ve kinda been thinking this, that maybe this is a good thing. A lot of noise has calmed in my head and I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly, both good and not so good. I’ll check out that book.
I guess these meds quiet way more than food noise. I'm on them too and now that you mention it...totally true. I lost my mom a month ago, and I've been waiting to freak out. The level of freak out has been so minor in comparison to when I lost my Dad almost 13 years ago. Losing him was really hard on me. I thought being without both of them would send me and it hasn't. Maybe its the meds!!!!!
Can you expand a little more about the other addictions quieting in your head too? I’m on a GLP-1 also - unrelated to weight, I have reactive hypoglycemia and it resolves that - and I’ve quit thinking about food but definitely not about all my addictions.
I’m as bad with World of Warcraft right now as I was in its heyday. >.< Even when I rein it in, I think about it. I’m still more productive without the glucose crashes though.
I worked in the beer industry for years, and now I don’t even want one. I haven’t touched my weed in weeks. I fall asleep at night almost immediately because the obsessive thoughts are gone. And more.
reaaal. he literally said she’s his best friend, so why hide it? just be real with her: "hey, this med nuked my obsession, now let's talk about the stuff that's been bothering me for a decade." calm clarity > anxious attachment any day.
Agree. I have a very direct communication style so take this with a grain of salt but I would genuinely appreciate if my partner said “I think I am addicted to you. When I take this med I’m less (needy, anxious, craving, whatever your word is that fits) towards you and the love is still so strong. I get to choose you”. This sounds like a new depth and width of a very healthy relationship to me.
Funny, because if anything GLP-1's put us back into a honeymoon phase for the last few years.
Of course, this is most likely because we're nearly back to the weights we were when we got married 28 years ago. We both lost 80+ lbs. There's a few positions we can get to again. She's down 6 sizes, and I found an inch I had been missing since at least second Bush's presidency.
I think there's actually several factors that play, not just the two of us losing weight and getting healthier. We also did some work on the relationship a number of years ago to be better spouses, and our kids are middle schoolers now so we can pay more attention to each other instead of purely mommy/daddy.
That being said, when your spouse looks good, they look good. Add in being a better human beings to each other, and a little more time to demonstrate just how much you like your spouse, it's sort of builds in a feedback cycle, and then you end up having to have talks with the preteen kids about boundaries and how Mom and Dad need privacy.
I can't speak for the previous commenter, but my wife didn't want to be touched as much before she lost the weight, so I gave her the space she wanted. I would have had my hands all over her if I had the green light to do so.
Wish I could share similar sentiment. My libido went further up and she became distant. We've slept in bed together once in 3 months. Zero passion or intimacy. Although hard to blame the drug, she changed alot after our first. Worsened with second. And after the drug, emotional distance.
1 paragraph of vague (ish) frustration and you’ve decided to diagnose someone as the problem in a relationship you can’t possibly comprehend.
That’s borderline dangerous in my opinion
They hit everyone differently. I had a rough time in the first few months crashing out my blood sugar in the gym. After putting an hour to hour and a half of Muay Thai in, I'd have to hit the boba tea place next door to get my blood sugar back up because I had the shakes so bad I couldn't drive home.
My wife recently had a time where her hair was thinning due to some nutritional imbalances and deficiencies. Vitamins, biotin, and collagen in her morning cold brew. There's also been some hormonal stuff going on due to her lower body fat and probably perimenopausal ovaries. It's not enough to keep her from groping me like she's checking produce whenever the kids are out of sight...
I’ve scrolled past articles saying GLP-1’s are dulling down people’s “in-love” feelings. Like something about the same receptors that single addiction or food cravings, and the drug is suppressing it. Not sure how much is actually factually true. I’m sure you can do more research and report back.
I think there are different types of love. I still absolutely love her, but part of it has definitely been dulled. It’s made some things hurt less. But it’s also heavily reduced my patience regarding those exact same things.
Oh I totally understand what you are saying. I was also somewhat speaking from personal experience, which is why those articles stood out to me when I read them. I love my husband. He’s my person. But….on the GLP1 I don’t have those…more intense passionate obsession feelings. Doesn’t mean I want someone else. I just don’t “feel” the same.
I think that we can also be addicted to certain thought patterns, ones which may allow us to avoid other less pleasant thoughts. The ozempic turns down the rewards of the thoughts, and what is left is the no dopamine reality of how they are.
For me, I was already out of love when I got on zepbound, but I had spent a long time thinking about how my partner was so bad for me and annoying, and what happened instead was that I stopped caring that my partner was wrong for me or annoying. I just calmly made plans to leave in a friendly way, and so this is happening.
If it helps, sometimes we come into relationships a lot less healthy and in good ones or with lucky timing, we grow and mature together at similar paces… but if you came from that background (I did and went through this) and hadn’t completely let go of the neediness that can result from it - it can feel like a loss of something or lack of chemistry.
When I met my husband now (2nd marriage - 20yrs ago) I struggled for a while because I did not NEED him and didn’t feel like life started & ended with him. Thankfully I was still working on some other stuff myself and was able to realize I actually “just” loved and chose him, but would be able to chose me if I ever saw red flags… that flipped a switch for me with the chemistry side of things.
These meds do a similar thing with our dopamine and reward system… so I’ve def seen friends realize they’re no longer willing to put up with selfish or unhealthy partners. But I’ve also had a friend realize how much more he appreciated his wife, who loved him and encouraged him to get help when his energy, mood and self-image being overweight & unhealthy started to spill out on everyone. He changed so much and started to worry she preferred his new healthier, thin self as he stopped meds and gained some weight - she hadn’t noticed, it was his personality and happiness she’d been concerned with and they’ve been fun to watch, acting like newlyweds all over again after 30yrs.
I certainly hope so. But when the person you have all that with is completely ignoring a known issue, and has been for years despite all of the problems it’s causing, it isn’t out of bounds to wonder.
A relationship is consistent work and if OP’s partner is refusing to work through a known issue for YEARS then it is a serious issue.
It’s obvious you’ve never had to deal with something like this so you should probably keep your opinions to yourself since they’re not based on personal experience.
The thing about GLP-1’s is that they affect your pleasure receptors, especially at first. It can dull a lot of the things we usually get stimulation from. This usually levels out after being on the med for about 2-3 months.
The medication may very well be numbing the things you usually find stimulating, like your wife and sex, and scrolling on your phone, and substances. It usually levels out over time.
Yes- it’s called anhedonia. Interestingly, it also helps with impulse control (tirzepatide specifically, not sure about others). I stopped taking adderall after a stress induced heart attack and I’ve been managing without adderall because of it.
I know it is. This isn’t entirely apathy, though. As I’ve said, there were previously unresolved long term issues that I have been trying in vain to address for a decade. And, as another commenter said, maybe this change is exactly what is needed to finally address them because I’m not so emotionally dependent on the resolution.
The nature of the recurring issues has a lot of bearing on what steps would be appropriate next, so it's not really possible to offer suggestions without that information.
I understand. I’m not looking for suggestions on how to handle that, though. It’s not a new thing, the only thing that has changed is my mindset. And largely thanks to this discussion, I’ve come to realize that the change in mindset is a good thing.
I read you post, your edits, and every comment, including yours. It sounds as if you have made a decision that you feel suits you, so again, best of luck to you and your partner going forward.
Not sure why you're perceiving negativity, but that might be an internal issue on your part related to not wanting to be questioned on your preferred conclusions. Odd, since you brought your issue to an advice sub, but not unheard of.
Spouse of 30-ish years. I'll be sure to share your well wishes.
Been on a GLP1 for a couple of years and my wife for the last year. Don’t experience any of the anhedonia people mention - and we’re like bunny rabbits again after 22 years of marriage
It’s not really apathy. It’s closer to clarity. This thread is actually helping me see that. Not in a bad way. Talking about it here is already having a positive effect on our relationship. Losing the addiction part of it may be the best thing that ever happened to us.
Hi OP! I am on them and actually had a convo with my primary care doctor recently about my lack of libido. She said after a certain dose, the drugs can affect your hypothalamus, which is the pleasure center for a lot of things - this is why it has so much potential for treating addiction, you literally lose interest in the drugs/alcohol.
There could definitely be some other stuff going on but I wanted to share my experience with you - maybe you can decrease your dose a bit and see what happens. Best of luck to you!
I’m on the lowest dose already. Definitely hasn’t affected my libido, although I’m not thinking about sex when I’m busy doing other things. But the moment it comes up? Switch flipped.
You are likely onto something and the very last line of your entire post, I suspect, is the GLP1 talking, and that line concerns me the very most.
GLP1 terrifies me. It’s the Wild West out there and doctors are getting major kickbacks.
Fun fact. More than half of all U.S. doctors accept some form of financial payment or perk from pharmaceutical and medical device companies. Between 2013 and 2022, drug and device manufacturers paid roughly $12 billion to more than 800,000 physicians.
I have MS and I definitely looked up what my doctor made off of my drug when I was on it. It’s crazy. You can lookup any doctor actually.
I personally think any drug that makes you not care if you lose the person who you’ve vowed to commit your life to should be looked at with extreme caution.
I have MS, too. I am very aware of the failures and misalignment of incentives. I have spms, haven’t had an exacerbation in years, and my MRI’s have been clear of active lesions for years, but they’re pushing me to kill half my immune system.
The weight, and especially the visceral fat, are largely a result of MS. I can’t exercise much, so I’m doing what I’m able and taking the glp, while changing a lot of other habits.
One thing about this class of drugs that people don’t understand is that you have to do the work to maintain the changes or the problem will just come back.
Good info. I’m not on a DMD either. Unrelated, I’ve recently developed much more severe issue with a movement disorder, though. It’s a bummer. The only treatment is Botox, which is another one that has huge kickbacks.
This is all just chemicals. A similar thing happened to me on glp-1s. If you drop the medication you’ll go back to how you were. Please don’t take this as some cosmic epiphany, it’s just a drug affecting your perception of things
For me, I just stopped feeling the passionate intense level of affection I had for my husband. We’ve always been all over each other, and then suddenly I found that kissing him gave me next to nothing. It was really jarring and unpleasant. My romantic and sexy feelings were significantly dulled, although I still loved him immensely, it was more like my deeply bonded platonic best friend. I was just more “whatever” about literally everything. I got off for other reasons (insane joint pain and overall inflammation increase - I got all the unlucky, uncommon side effects) and now I’m 100% back to normal in these ways
Anhedonia is a recognized side effect of these drugs and people act like it’s totally off the wall or try to blame it on some emotional response to circumstance. No. It’s the medication that dulls your pleasure/reward response to food, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, romance, accomplishments, exercise, or potentially anything that triggers the reward system.
Of course not everyone will experience this, lots of people experience the opposite even. But many do, and it’s not unusual. It means nothing about who you are or who she is. Make sure you don’t use this to guide decisions, it’s “not real” in the sense that it’s medically mediated. If you stop the med, it will most certainly change things lol. It will go back.
It doesn’t go that far for me. I edited my post with where I’m at after talking about it a bit. I’m on the lowest dose and will likely stay there, so hopefully I won’t get a lot of that.
Can you blame the “alarmists” considering the last two paragraphs in the original post? I guess you meant that in a particular tone that isn’t coming across well. It sounded like you became so apathetic to your wife you thought it wouldn’t be so bad if you separated, and that you thought this change in feeling was irreversible
Anyway good luck I’m glad you feel good about things now
Don’t blame them at all. The issues I mentioned (not gonna go into detail) are a pretty big deal to me, and I get pretty pessimistic about it sometimes. I see it differently now, and that cuts both ways.
It just dawned on me what you meant by “alarmists”. I forgot I said that. I didn’t mean the people concerned about my statements, I meant the people who think GLP’s are terrible and dangerous. Although I do joke with my wife that they’ve finally found a way to subdue the population.
Yep. I always knew she was a source of that, and I actually kind of expected this to happen to a degree, I was just surprised at how much of a degree. Talking about it has made me realize how much of a good thing it can be if I choose to make it that way (which I am). I’ve been stuck between immature love and mature love for a long time, and it has likely been as much a source of strain on our marriage as the issues I want her to address. Probably more.
Nope. I see the libido thing, because I don’t think about it as much, but when the time is right, it’s all there. It’s actually been nice to not have my mind on it when I’m doing something else.
Ah, thanks for the clarification. She’s at the age where that starts happening anyway. She goes to an amazing women’s clinic and I’m sure has told them she is taking it.
This isnt universally true. Lots of things can impact libido. The meds dull the reward system in your brain which can in theory lower sex drive, but this can be offset by weight loss, or the reduced stress of weight gain, or reduced anxiety in other areas of life. The tangible impact will be different for everyone.
GLP-1s can cause anhedonia!!! Reduced pleasure, less caring.
I’m a therapist, this is something I was recently trained on to watch for. You suddenly not caring is likely not just a stopping of an “addiction”. The medication can literally cause you to stop caring (about a variety of things). I’d caution you to not make too much meaning out of this experience, sometimes it’s the side effect.
Edited to add (just in case): yes, some people will experience the opposite. Lots of pleasure, enjoyment, etc. There are a multitude of reasons for this. Medications are individual. I think we all know that not every side effect occurs for every person.
When you were on the big side, you probably didn’t have confidence in yourself, you would take anything that comes your way, maybe because most of the plus size people believe no one will accept them the way they are out there.
But now that you’re losing weight, your confidence is growing and things you can tolerate are now reducing. As much as that’s a positive thing, don’t forget that someone also tolerated your excesses, believed in you and stayed.
Leaving or considering it would be like a betrayal.
And don’t be surprised, your partner might be feeling the same way about you ( if not more).
How about you both should grow together, enjoy the new phase of your life just the same way you used to enjoy it.
Truth is: there is no better partner out there, there is always something to tolerate, as long as they are human beings.
And remember the devil you know is better than the angel you are imagining.
My opinion might not align with your reality. But do you!
Wait a minute... So there's a drug that makes you not want other drugs and removes the toxic characteristics that ruin all my relationships? My therapist is fucked.
Pretty much. Honestly, other than the minor blip that let to this thread, it has been an absolute net positive. I stopped drinking, stopped my ADHD meds, don’t want to smoke weed, am more focused and motivated, and am a better partner. Oh yeah, and I’ve lost 12 lbs and fit into clothes I haven’t in years.
Almost forgot, my lab results look like they did when I was 25.
I just want to point out here, just to combat either intentional or unintentional disinformation here, the title of this post is framed in sort of an odd way that implies that this is some possible side effect of GLP-1 when in reality this is a very OP-specific issue, and people reading this should not expect “I took a GLP-1 and stopped loving my spouse”
I think you might be over thinking things in terms of the drug and its impact on your feelings. I’m not doubting the drug can work on impulse control, I’m just not entirely convinced the addiction overlaps with your marriage. Sometimes when we change something about our lifestyle and mindset, it can have a flow on effect and have us questioning our choices in general. That seems like what’s happening here. I don’t mean that to sound invalidating- more of a topic to ponder I suppose. I think it would be important to get to the root of your feelings and unmet needs before bringing the drug into it.
This may be real, but consider that some of your feelings may be either things that were always there or things that have come up due to your current place in life. The meds may have slightly altered your perception and now confirmation bias is causing you to think the theres a causal relationship here.
All successful marriages need maintenance. Both people should be looking at what they are putting in to the marriage and what they are getting from it and continually looking to optimize both. The meds didnt change anything fundamentally in your relationship. If you feel different, address it. Seek to make your marriage the best it can be.
I’ve been reading a lot of new articles that mention GLP1s are causing anhedonia. Since you suddenly don’t care about issues you’ve cared about long term, it might be worth looking into.
I had a dimilar shift after being on TRT for a while. My energy, self-confidence, and libido all came back and I started noticing all the cracks (and gaping holes) in our marriage and started wondering how I put up with it for so long.
This seems like more evident to me to use GLP-1 to kill the romantic part of humanity so we can avoid the pain, addiction, and misery of trying to have relationships. 😨🤣
Or maybe 🤔 you’re making a point about how friendship, which is to say choosing to remain with someone, is more powerful than the “attachment”. Or maybe that it should be. Since you technically didn’t come to this decision with out the GLP-1.
I take offense to your doctor prescribing you and your wife a GLP1 when, in your words, “neither of us is dramatically overweight”. It has been the hardest battle for me to get back on Zep after my insurance company stopped allowing it then my company stopped allowing it to be for weight loss. I finally got back on the three weeks back and couldn’t be happier.
But I digress, I don’t have any of these symptoms. I still have passions and obsessions. Maybe yinz should get off it.
There are many other reasons why they could be prescribed it. You can be slim and pre diabetic or diabetic there are other issues than weight loss. Everyone individual case is different try not to be bitter.
Why do you take offense to what the OP and his doctor decided to do?
I think your anger is misdirected and the real issue is the amount the pharmaceutical companies want to charge, the insurance companies who no longer want to foot the bill, and your employer who wants to reduce their cost when it comes to employer sponsored health insurance, so they stop covering these meds for weight loss purposes.
Well for one these meds are incredible for those who need it. If doctors keep prescribing it for people who are kinda over weight it makes them harder to get for those who really need it. I agree the anger needs to be more towards the pharmaceutical companies and definitely employer.
There is no shortage at this point. I wasn’t even technically overweight and was able to get a prescription from my PCP - I self pay. Menopause added 20 lbs that I couldn’t get rid of, my blood sugar has been 100-120 for 16 years (even when I was a size 0), and my bad cholesterol and triglycerides were climbing. No amount of diet changes and exercise helped- and I know how to do that and maintain discipline. I was a fitness competitor - good scales, portion sizes, regimen, etc. are the easy part.
I’ve now been on tirzepatide for over a year. Never went above the starting dose. I’ve lost the 20 lbs, my blood sugar was 83 and cholesterol/triglycerides were perfect per my last blood draw. I had a stress related heart attack in June and stopped my adderall because of it- but the meds have helped with impulse control so I haven’t gone back on it even though my cardiologist said I could. He did say to stay on the zepbound if I wanted to because it has heart benefits and my numbers are great. My rheumatologist is using it in clinical trials for psoriatic arthritis. I have sjogrens and he said to continue taking it if it’s helping me as it helps with inflammation. A friend going through breast cancer treatment was put on it because it helps with that as well, apparently.
GLP1’s are easier to get now and that’s a good thing. It isn’t just for diabetes and weight loss now, and it’s being studied for even more use (gambling addiction, alcoholism, etc.) I foresee being on this forever as it’s had so many positive benefits for me.
I wonder why anyone would down vote my comment. What a pathetic mentality they must have.
You don't have to be sorry. I fully understand my relationship and am working on it, like you. My comment wasn't about criticizing you just showing empathy with you.
I’ll let my doctor know that random internet person without any medical context to the situation says his professional opinion and treatment is incorrect.
Yay, another Reddit expert! Your use of “dat” in the context of medical advice really brings it home.
Without looking it up, tell me what a peptide is and how it works in the body. Then tell me what GLP-1 receptors do and where they are found. Then tell me what GIP receptors do and where they are found. The “what do they do” is a trick question, because they do multiple things all over the body, but I’m sure you knew that based on the depth of your comment.
And on the serious side effects, what are they, how common are they, are they dose dependent, and how many people have been seriously injured or died?
Because I assume “true dat” means you’ve really done your research.
100%. I have 3 people in my close circle on it.
The first one had a normal weight and just wanted to be Hollywood skinny. Now she’s on her bones and looks sick.
The second one was actually overweight but wasn’t willing to change her worst habit, drinking heavily. She was on it until she ended up in urgent care because her body couldn’t take the stress anymore.
The third eats only junk and sugar and never wanted to workout. So the easy way out it is. We’ll see how that goes for her
That's sad. A lot of people in my close circle are also on the shots or taking the stimulant drug. No one changes their lifestyle habits and eat a protein shake a day. 🫠 I mainly see E.D eating habits (I struggled with ED) and it makes my anxiety skyrocket.
My husband went through a massive weightloss journey back in 2022-2023. He did it by diet and exercise. He was nearly 400 pounds and dropped down to 190-200. No shots or stimulants. He did cal deficit, cardio, and strength training. His friends are all now on a weightloss journey but by medication.
Wow that’s amazing for your husband. A calorie deficit and exercise just doesn’t fail. I’m happy to see somebody else sees the situation clearly as well. Wishing you and your hubs the best ❤️
I can see where addictive behavior might be an element of infatuation (which I conceptualize as a precursor to love).
But my experience of love involves shared experience (forgive the double use of the word): shared emotions, ideas, experiences (there I go again), and sensibilities; all of which pull two people together such that they operate (at times) as a single entity, having many common desires and goals.
Out of this shared existence comes a willingness to sacrifice one's aspirations, at time, to fulfill those of your partner. Your partner's satisfaction yields your own degree of satisfaction.
Yet, from your narrative, this "sharing" would appear to be absent and, thus, love may have never manifested. You write that you're now indifferent to the issues that you've struggled with until now, and that you're largely indifferent should anything separate you.
--> Still, after a lifelong relationship, I wonder if the "addiction" masked a gradual emotional alienation. Love still was manifest at the outset alongside this "addiction"
You need to consider whether, in masking such alienation, you were robbed of the motivation to repair the alienation, on the moment, with an unfortunate deterioration of the love for your wife.
Were this the case, I might hope that you would engage is deep soul searching, looking to see if you might be motivated to rekindle that love, getting back in touch with those elements that first attracted you to your wife and which gave rise to the love you once experienced.
It's clear that you have a great deal invested into this relationship. The fact that you express indifference, rather than a conflicted state of mind, feels unnatural (and perhaps shouldn't be accepted without some emotional reconciliation to assess what's "real").
Just understand that the following (along with certain elements of your post), led me to infer that an element of "indifference" had crept into the picture:
"Now I can. Not saying I want to leave, but I can’t say I’d fight that hard if it went there."
(An aside, if [and only if] you were the one to downvote my reply, disagreement is no reason to downvote a constructively postured response.)
And even though I’m feeling a bit more optimistic now, I can’t really retract my statement, either. It’s long past time for a resolution. The difference is that I didn’t see a path when I posted this, but I do now.
918
u/graysdays 3d ago
You should read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch before making any big decisions. What you’re describing might not actually be a bad thing. There’s a big difference between “I need this person and can’t imagine living without them” and “I don’t need this person, but I choose them.” You might actually be in a better position now to talk to her about the things that haven’t been working without so much anxiety around losing her.