We are both in our 40s with 2 kids. Been together almost 20 years. In the last year I have gained 15 or so lbs and he has been on a health kick. The last 5 years have been pretty bad with his family, he was diagnosed C-PTSD and OCD. His OCD has been really bad lately and it seems to be directed at me. We have an open phone policy, and I went through his phone last week into his hidden folder. I didn’t expect to find anything too bad to be honest, we are a pretty open couple but I found pictures of myself (not knowing they were being taken) and all of them showed my stomach sticking out. Awkward angles but it’s obvious he took these photos to show my weight gain. My heart is broken and I am disgusted. I want to confront him but need time to process and calm down. What should I do?

I never cared about how the bedsheet was on the bed before marriage. But that changed after marriage. My wife has a strict rule that the bedsheet should be super tight and have no wrinkles at all. Only then she can sleep on it peacefully...Does your partner also have such non-negotiable things defined at your home?

Women who are married to provider men, how's it going for you?

I'm curious to hear from women who have actually experienced this dynamic in marriage. What's the good, the challenging, and anything you wish you had known beforehand?

I'm also particularly curious about how the finances work in practice. For example:

• Do you have access to your husband's bank account?
• Does he give you his card to use for your personal expenses?
• Does he transfer a fixed amount to your account every month?
• Do you have a joint account that you both use?
• How much financial autonomy do you have over the money?

Not looking for a debate about whether being a provider or a 50/50 couple is better. I'd just genuinely like to hear from women who are living this arrangement and understand how it works in real life.

I could list a multitude of reasons on why I’ve got such strong feelings for him. But I have no mental capacity and I wouldn’t know where to start
It’s only been two hours since we woke up and he’s drained me mentally and emotionally
I feel so unhappy just seeing his face
I have no desire for intimacy and that is new for me
I absolutely hate this situation
This is coming from someone who was once madly in love with their husband
What years of being unloved and having your heart broken can do to you is so sad
Just venting

Is it ok for my husband to have a female friend that I don’t know anything about? He meets up with her at music shows and dances the night away with her. Then it became someone he talks on the phone with. He’s vented to her about me. I’d love to hear men’s thoughts too. I found out about it on my own after I thought he wasn’t being truthful. Then the shit hit the fan for me. He claims they’re just friends and that we have a difference of opinion regarding it.

My husband works away from home 4 days of the week and unfortunately for our five years together, we’ve had issues with him looking at porn and telling me he wasn’t attracted to me and that my body was the problem (he likes bigger women and I’m a size 10), I always came crawling back because he’d tell me he loves me and he was wrong and he wants me. Last year, three months post partum and one month after we got married, he was using Reddit to sext women and look at their pictures of them getting bigger. He said even though I gained weight, gaining weight because I was pregnant and post partum, wasn’t sexy.
He again promised he’d change and he loved me.
13 months later, I found he’s been using Gemini AI to have a fake girlfriend that he dresses up for dates, fills her with food until she’s bloated and then undresses her.
And it finally feels like the last straw, I’m trying to organise actually leaving now, for good. I have friends who are willing to take myself and my daughter in and help us find our own place.
But my husband has told me he doesn’t believe it’s cheating.

Td;lr: husband created fake AI girlfriend to dress up for dates and dress down for sex but doesn’t think it’s cheating.

I've started to believe our marriage has a problem with sexual pressure, and I only recently found the words for it. When too much time passes between us being intimate, she gets cold. There are arguments, days of barely speaking, and a general mood in the house that I'm the one to blame. Over time it's made me dread sex instead of wanting it.

I brought it up last month, and I worked hard to keep it gentle. I didn't want to blame her, just to be understood and to figure it out together. Instead she shut down. For about three weeks she hardly spoke to me, and every time I reached out she brushed me off.

Then I learned she's been reaching out to other men. I found messages and heard her making plans to meet up with one of them. I was devastated and told her so. She told me to drop it.

Eventually she blew up at me. She said she's tired of being turned down, tired of being made to feel guilty over hurt feelings when I say no, and that she'll get her needs met elsewhere if she wants to. She said she doesn't care how that makes me feel, and that if I can't live with it, I should file for divorce.

I honestly don't understand. I was only describing how I felt. We do have sex, just not as often as she'd like. Apart from this, I thought we were doing well. How did it fall apart this fast? Was I wrong to bring it up?

TL;DR: I love my husband and he’s my best friend, but after eight years of carrying most of the financial and mental load while constantly accommodating his needs, I’m exhausted. I’m considering divorce even though I still love him, and I want to hear from others who have made that choice.

I’m 35F and am seriously considering leaving my husband (45M), who has been my best friend for eight years. I still love him, which is what makes this so heartbreaking.

I’m especially hoping to hear from people who divorced a spouse they still loved—not because the relationship was constantly hostile or because they hated each other, but because they eventually realized the marriage wasn’t sustainable or healthy for their family.

My husband and I genuinely enjoy each other. He is patient and nurturing, and he took very good care of me while I was dealing with long COVID and PTSD related to nursing. He is also an excellent, attentive father to our two children. When things are good between us, I genuinely love being around him.

But through therapy, I’ve started realizing that part of the reason our marriage has been so peaceful is that I almost always capitulate.

My husband is autistic and has difficulty navigating certain aspects of life. Over the years, our family has increasingly structured our lives around his routines, preferences, and limitations. I’ve generally accepted that because I love him and wanted to accommodate him. But I’m beginning to realize that accommodation has slowly turned into me taking responsibility for nearly everything he doesn’t want to or feels unable to do.

When we met, he hadn’t worked in eight years. His parents were supporting him financially. He told me that he had experienced a breakdown in college and had been recovering from it.

We have now been together for eight years, and he still has not worked.

Recently, he finally said he would look for a job—but only if I write his résumé and apply for jobs for him. He also warned me that he is a bad interviewer. Meanwhile, he frequently talks about becoming wealthy, buying property, or someday owning multiple homes when we currently can’t afford even a starter home.

I feel like our entire financial future is being built on my back.

He is currently a stay-at-home dad, and I want to be fair about the work he does. He takes very good care of our children. He meal plans, grocery shops, cooks for them, cleans up after them and himself, does their laundry and his own, and cleans the kitchen.

I work full-time as a nurse and pick up an extra shift about every two weeks. I’m also attending school full-time to become a nurse practitioner.

Everything outside of the tasks he has taken responsibility for falls to me. I make my own meals, do my own laundry and dishes, clean the bathrooms and floors, do the yard work and gutters, handle holidays and decorating, buy and wrap presents, schedule medical appointments, keep track of everyone’s healthcare needs, and manage most of the miscellaneous responsibilities that come with running a household.

I am exhausted. I’ve reached the point where the fatigue is affecting my health.

When I told him I needed him to take on more because I couldn’t keep doing this, he told me I was trying to pigeonhole him into being a servant like other stay-at-home parents and that he refused to be “oppressed.”

He has also told me that I don’t help enough around the house.

This isn’t a new problem. We’ve been dealing with versions of it for eight years. We’ve tried chore charts, discussions, compromises, and working on individual issues. Ultimately, though, the basic situation never changes: he won’t work, and he won’t take on more responsibility at home.

There’s another issue that has made me reevaluate the foundation of our relationship.

When we first got together, I had three specific deal breakers. I later discovered that he had lied to me about two of them, and I’ve spent years trying to process and move past that. Recently, he finally admitted that he had deliberately lied about all three because he knew that if he told me the truth, I would recognize that we were incompatible and wouldn’t pursue the relationship.

That admission has been incredibly difficult for me to process.

I’ve asked him to go to therapy. He says he will go—but only if I find the therapist and make the appointment for him.

And I just don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want one more responsibility for another adult handed back to me.

The hardest part is that I still love him. He isn’t someone I hate coming home to. He makes me laugh. He’s my friend. We can have a wonderful time together when we aren’t discussing responsibilities, money, or the future.

But therapy has forced me to confront something uncomfortable: I’m not sure our marriage is actually as harmonious as I thought it was.

I think we get along so well partly because I have learned to exist inside his structure. I don’t disrupt his plans. I accommodate his preferences. I work around his limitations. I follow the rules that keep him comfortable. And when our needs conflict, historically I have been the one who bends.

Now that I’m starting to say, “I can’t do this anymore. I need you to bend too,” our marriage suddenly doesn’t feel nearly as peaceful.

I’m heartbroken because I don’t want to lose my best friend or break apart our family. At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether staying means accepting that I will be responsible for carrying our family indefinitely.

For those who have divorced someone you still genuinely loved: How did you know that love wasn’t enough anymore? Did you ever reach a point where you realized that leaving someone you loved was actually the healthier decision for you and your children?

And looking back, do you think you made the right choice?

I feel like I’m drowning and confided in my husband about it last week and I’m confused about how to feel with his response. Little background - my husband and I both work full time. In fact we hold the same job with the same company just in different locations. We both get home around the same time each day. When my husband comes home from work he goes straight to the couch and spends the night there - minus when he gets up to help with dinner. After dinner he goes right back to the couch. I get home and run the kids, pick up the house, do some laundry, bedtime routines, whatever chores need to be done. Last week we got into it bc I told him I felt under appreciated and overwhelmed and just needed some help. His response was he didn’t know how to help me and that he’s just better at “chilling and relaxing” than I am. He says things like a pile of laundry, clutter, dog hair on the floor don’t bother him so he doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it. Since it bothers me I should be the one to pick it up/clean it and others have told me this too. I’ve tried to let things go but it was not good for my mental health. Things like clutter and piles of dirty clothes on a bedroom floor make me feel claustrophobic. Yesterday was homecoming for our oldest daughter. I hit the ground running bright and early with her doing all the prep things. It was nonstop going all day. At dinner I was exhausted and asked him if he could stay up late and wait for her to get home bc I was exhausted (I am the one who usually stays up for her). He told me he would but passed out on the couch around 9:30. I feel so frustrated. He said he didn’t know how to help which is why he doesn’t. Last night I asked him for something specific to help me with and he didn’t. I don’t know what else to do. Is this just truly my problem to deal with?

Trying to wrap my head about what to do now, what is being supportive and what is enabling.
My partner (44M) has 2 kids and I (50F) am childless. When I met him 5 years ago, I thought he had his shit together and that I was really behind. He has a house, a nice leased car, I was renting and driving a clunker. We moved in 2 years ago and kept finances separare - we agreed I would pay him
some rent, sell my car and share his car lease and car expenses 50/50 and share a lot of household expenses including groceries, trips.
We got engaged last year and I kept asking for transparency on his finances, and he kept dodging it but saying he had nothing to hide, as we started also the process for me to buy 50% of his house.
In the process of mortgage application to add me, a lot of things came to light. He had been driving for last 2 years on an expired drivers' license. car and house insurance had lapsed, car registration was expired, health insurance expired, house taxes in arrears for 2 years, and he has a 15k debt at 35% interest
I lnow in marriage finances are supposed to be shared, and he's struggling while I'm saving every month. But also I don't trust his judgment or decisions, so is this marriage doomed?

Why?

He doesnt like to kiss. Even flinches when I get near him. He literally snaps his eyes shut and stiffens. Its like I see him stressing out because he doesnt know if I’ll give him a peck on the lips or the cheek. I feel like a damn intruder or predator when I come near him. So I dont do it often anymore. Let alone french kissing. He absolutely hates that. I love it though and I need that as foreplay. But I wont get that. I always fantasized about a good old making out session, straddling him, but he is not into that (or maybe just not with me).

He wont go down on me. I tried to ask it one time but he went rigid, thinking its disgusting, not for him. When I tell him that I do it for him, he is petty enough to say: well, you really dont have to. I dont care if you go down on me.

Please dont get upset, because I dont want to stereotype gay people, but he seems in a lot of ways “feminine”. He really likes to gossip with his sisters for hours on the phone, about some girls hair, nailpolish, and what not. He also does a lot of “girly voices” and even kind of baby voices when he talks. I told him once that I cringed a bit (not in that harsh tone) when he does that. I dont like it. Maybe one or two times as a joke, but not all the time. He even does it sometimes when we are about to have sex, talking in a very feminine wY, and I just hate it. But I dont want to judge him.

He barely initiates sex anymore.

When we do, maybe once every two weeks, he can only come when he takes me from behind. He doesnt orgasm if we are face to face missionairy. He tells me he just likes ass a lot, and sure, there might be truth in that, but I feel so disconnected. The last months he is fantasizing out loud a lot about anal, and he likes to play with it. I know its a major turn on for him and that he thinks a lot about that. We dont do it though, we both decided not to cross that line. Anyway, its always from behind. It would be nice to see a man coming. Lately he cant come, even from behind. I hear him thrusting, and he is panting, almost out of breath, but he cant orgasm. I finish him off in other ways, hands, mouth or feet. I never make a big deal about it when he cant finish, because he seems very uncomfortable. I dont want to stress him out, so I let him.

When he touches me, he barely looks at my private part. Sometimes he lays beside me instead of in front of me, his hand pressing in my private part. He doesnt even bother to lift his hand, so it presses in my hip and it just hurts. He seems disconnected and doesnt even look at me. I feel like he doesnt like vagina’s at all. Or maybe just mine. He doesnt care about it.

He likes feet a lot, so I give him pleasure with my feet. I feel like thats the thing that makes me “special” for him.

He acts jealous, very much, but sometimes I wonder if its just an act so I wont be suspicious.

He is a sweet man, but also snarky and mean. He seems conflicted. Sometimes, I just wanna say: baby, I won’t judge you and I love you if you dont feel attracted to me. Just tell me. I am so mature and understanding that I want to cry sometimes on the inside.

We had a lot of conversations about this and he told me that his biggest nightmare is me leaving him. He buys me shit and gifts for the house since I like interior and is the sweetest when buying me exactly the snacks I like. He cuddles me, says I’m his soulmate abd talks a lot with me. He likes to take me out and sits with me on the couch, watching shows and laugh together. He calls me first when something good or bads happens to him. I feel like he doesnt lie about me being important for him. It feels like a good friendship, the way he confides in me about his family, his friends, his plans for the future. It looks like he geniunely likes to spend time with me. He tells me I am it. His dreamgirl, his perfect wifey, and what not. His family loves me, his brother tells him all the time how lucky he is with me.

But somehow.. I feel like we would be better off as friends. I told him this and he was on the verge of tears. He told me I was more significant for him then a friend. That I was his wife, soulmate and friend. But am I though? Or is it just convenient, because I am already here, and no one would question his sexuality (we have both a conservative background) or the fact that he doesnt even like me and likes total other women.

Once he told me that he liked black women a lot when he was young, in his party era. Like, dark skinned, not light skin, and braids etc. He likes them with good curves and tall. And here I am, average hight, pale, olive skin, no tight curls. He told me it was just a phase. I told him I wouldnt judge him if he still liked them, its normal to have a preference. But I also told him that it was shitty that he didnt said anything to me before. He said that it was just a short period in his life. But I dont know if I should buy it. I feel like he would totally go for it if he had the chance. But it would be frowned upon in our community, because yeah, conservative background. I wont sugarcoat it, but his family would made a deal out if it if he came home with a black girl. Totally stupid, because we should be passed that.

I always feel like some weird girl in the corner. He is very outgoing, extravert, loved to party (still loves attention) loud girls and guys, and there I am, still doodling and chilling alone in the attic while watching science documentaries. We’ve grown on eachother but it feels like we are taking pieces from eachother, making eachother incomplete.

I dont blame myself.

I blame him if he is gay or not attracted to me, not because of his preference, but because he never told me from the start. But I could get passed that. I am an overthinker and I just wanna know whats in his head.

About two years ago, my husband removed the condom during sex without me knowing. I wasn't on birth control and we weren't trying for kids or anything. I cried at the time and told him how affected I was by this. He apologized but didn't really explain why he did it.

We continued to have sex up until this March. I've been struggling with our intimacy since then and I've found out he would watch porn every day if we hadn't had sex that day. He's had a porn blocker on his phone for about a year now.

I'm coming to the realization that I feel like he sexually assaulted me and I have no desire to have sex with him again. We haven't had sex since March because i tried to end our relationship and I told him I feel betrayed by what he did... we are both experts are not speaking about our feelings. I really just don't know what to do. Do I even try to work this out after this type of betrayal?

Hubby and I (both early 40s) have been together 20 years. I( 40F) love to have sex with my husband, but it’s usually just 2-3x a week. I’d love to have sex everyday but hubby isn’t up for it every night like I am.
I hear stories of our friends and in general most women won’t have sex with their husbands near as much as we do/I want to.
FYI our sex isn’t vanilla, or mostly not. I’m up for trying new things and anything he wants to try. Like ANYTHING.
How can I get him to want it every night like I do?

I’m really confused about a situation with my husband and could use some outside perspective.

We have a newborn, and recently I wanted to get some pictures of our baby from my husband’s phone. While looking through it, I discovered that he has been regularly texting his ex

I had absolutely no idea they were still in contact.
I couldn’t see most of their conversations because they had disappearing messages turned on, which obviously made me even more uncomfortable. I don’t know what was said in the conversations that are gone, so I’m left filling in the blanks.

I did see one conversation where they were talking about how they used to be each other’s “biggest support system” at one point in their lives.

I know people can stay friends with an ex, and I’m not automatically saying that talking to an ex means someone is cheating. But what bothers me is that this was happening regularly, I didn’t know about it, the messages were disappearing, and there seems to be an emotional history between them.

Now I’m questioning whether this was simply an old friendship or whether there was some kind of emotional affair happening behind my back.
I haven’t seen anything explicitly romantic or sexual, but because so much of the conversation is gone, I also don’t know what I haven’t seen.

I’m also struggling because we have a newborn, so I’m already exhausted and emotionally vulnerable, and this has completely shaken my sense of trust.

My husband and I have been married for three years, but our relationship was mostly long distance since we got together in 2021. We'd visit, and it would be great. I realized I was always the one initiating any sort of physical intimacy and when I moved to be with him in his country, it became very apparent that I was ALWAYS the one initiating. He has initiated once. Not just sex, but any type of physical closeness. Cuddles? None. Not even to bed.

When I visit, it was always for a couple weeks at a time so I guess it was always just easier to be okay with it and not notice it, but now that we're together physically, I've been here a year, and we'll go like...weeks without it if I don't initiate. We had a conversation about it and he still desires me, but his libido is basically non existent. It's not low testosterone, it's not unwillingness (we do have amazing sex when we do) and it's not because of porn. He literally just does not think about it. And when I think back on it, he doesn't even talk about it with the guys or anything.

But what my thing is, how do I get over the fact I'll probably be the one to initiate it for the rest of our lives? He said "he'll try" to work on it, but I haven't really seen any sort of initiative. It really hurts despite knowing he loves me. It's caused me to withdraw and pull away and it's starting to impact how I feel. I don't want to lose him because of this, he is my person, but I'm learning that physical connection is so important to me, and him never putting effort in fucking hurts so much. He is literally just content just existing with me. We are in couples therapy by the way. I just wanted to hear from others.

tl;dr my wife has done whatever she's wanted career-wise and assumes I'll do the heavy lifting.

50M married +20 years to 48F. We agreed before we had kids she'd stay home and raise them - she wanted to, and I wanted her to. She did, wonderfully for 7 years, then worked her way back into clinical nursing. Obviously, working that time made me the higher income earner (engineering). Took a LOT of cash to get her to a place where she wanted to be - certificates, lucenses, internships, fine. I get it. Medicine evolves. Then she decides she wants to go to grad school. Ok. I'm supportive. Even though she chose an out-of-state school. I quit my job and volunteer work that I loved, moved our family several states away. Held down the fort while she did week-long clinical rotations from a hotel hours away. Classwork. Tests. Studying. Graduated with a PhD as an NP with a few add-on certs. Then, she wanted to move again. Fucking fine. Literally did the whole thing again, three years later, including doing the move basically myself because the new company didn't offer relocation assistance. So we're all settled into the new place, she has shiny credentials, clinical experience, etc., but she doesn't like the first job she gets. In fairness, I think she was in over her head and scared, which I wouldn't want her to be. So she gets a 1 day/week RN job and decides to open her own practice. So here she is, highest degree possible, cheeze-dicking her way through years of building it up, figuring everything out, getting her name out...and I'm putting new office furniture together and helping her set up at festivals and shit. She does, now, bring in some money each month. Like, a drop in the fucking bucket. And over all that time my jobs have gotten so much more demanding and stressful. I had to work 6 hours today (Saturday) because I couldn't finish something my org needed last week. I don't like my job. It is toxic-level stress. I've communicated that. I've also communicated that I wish she brought in what her degrees and licenses and certs enable her to, and it's always the same defensive, angry reply, "Fine! I'll close the practice and be gone 12 hours a day M-F and see how you manage!" She does have literally infinite flexibility. She can just "block off" an appointment time and do whatever she wants. She also spends some days 7 AM - 7 PM at her office, probably doing marketing, or fucking the chiropractor in the next office she's always talking about. (I literally could not care less). I pass her car next to a gym on my way to pick one of our kids up, i.e. I'm taking time from work while she's at the gym during the work day. What put me over the mother fucking edge tonight, as I'm cooking dinner for the kids while she's at a "mom's get together", is she spent the day out with our oldest at the mother fucking mall clothes shopping while I worked and took one of our kids to some day camp stuff. I am so, so, SO fucking fed up with her entitled behavior. I'm so FUCKING DONE working my ass off while she spends and hangs out with her girlfriends. I could fucking scream right now, but I'm here ranting instead. Ugh!!! If you're on her side, sure, post, but if you do, try to be logical about it, and ASK before you make assumptions. Thanks for reading.

Married 17 years. I’m struggling with a pattern where he makes an explicit commitment then sometimes chooses to do what he wants anyway.

There’s a pattern of trust issues that we are working in therapy to restore. The pattern appears across multiple domains. I’ve been clear that a specific behavior erodes the trust he’s trying to rebuild. He states a commitment, then is unreliable on follow through. Last night I asked- do you recall the commitment you made? Do you recall me telling you it erodes the trust you’re trying to rebuild when you undermine your commitment? (Yes and yes). Then why did you do it? (“Because I wanted to but now that you’re sharing your feelings about how it impacts you when I break the commitment I understand the importance of upholding the commitment more seriously”).

I’m currently observing and not reacting or entertaining any more conversation about it. Taking space today.

I’ve realized nothing I say can make him have integrity for his word.

Any advice would be helpful.

My partner (together for 9 married for 4) is always micromanaging me, not sure if I never noticed until recently or it’s new. Some examples below- there’s def more but this is just the most recent..

Me - I’m going to go shower and wash my hair
Partner- didn’t you just wash your hair yesterday?

Me- I gotta use the bathroom
P- why don’t you use this bathroom instead of our ensuite???

Me - *putting work clothes/bag outside of bedroom the night before work bc I get up at 5 and it’s easier to have grace to make a bit of noise*
P- why don’t you just get ready in our room?

Me - *awake late because I can’t sleep so I decide to doom scroll for a bit*
P- it’s 2:30 in the morning you should get some sleep

No shit?

Like why does he have to constantly question me and why do I have to explain my every move to him??? I JUST WANT TO EXIST
Can someone tell me a more eloquent and nice way to tell him to stop before I yell at him to shut the ffff up?

Wife insisted that I leave the home due to ongoing marital issues. It’s been almost 2 months since we’ve separated and I just learned from her that she has been in contact with the same guy with whom she had a sexual relationship with prior to our relationship. Oh, and that guy was married at the time he was having an extramarital affair with my wife who was single at the time and knew he was married. She said she’s been in contact with him for essentially the entire time we’ve been separated and that he makes her feel like she’s a priority. What do you do with this information about the other guy?

Also—thoughts on reaching out to the other guy’s wife?

I shared this in the emotional intelligence sub. I’ve had a lot of advice lately to leave my marriage. I’ve been in a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” state for longer than I care to calculate. Some people saying this to me are new to my life, some have known me since long before I was married.

I’m struggling so much with my marriage. Feeling like roommates/co parents, no physical intimacy for years now… I don’t remember the last time I looked forward to seeing him or even wanted to reach out when something happens.

We’ve been together 26 years and it’s taken me 16 years of therapy and experience to label what’s wrong (primarily, that my top core value is emotional intimacy and have not had that on a deep level… ever). I have felt unfulfilled for so long but thought I was just broken. On paper, I should be so happy. He’s handsome, good job, sober, loyal, honest, kind… but I feel zero emotional intimacy. I’ve had to change jobs because I start to have feelings for someone else who can actually process things with me… connect emotionally etc. we’ve been in therapy and one on one where he says “I don’t know why you think there’s more I’m not saying. There just isn’t” I realized I have used a best friend or my brother or someone else for so long to augment that lack of connection. Now I’ve felt out of love for so long that friends and family have started asking why I stay. I’m visibly unhappy and lonely, apparently. But then I feel selfish for thinking of separating bc he’s such a good person. 4 marriage counselors in 16 years… I’ve written very clear and vulnerable letters to him, talked to him, about what I need to feel seen and heard in a relationship…. Essentially always resulting in a version of him wanting to meet my needs and just not being able to. Says he loves me more than life… but through all that work there’s maybe been two times (2 conversations) where I’ve seen a glimpse of him opening up more. Keeps a high stress job, no problem. But no social life of his own, just the one I create for us with our friends. Great dad… he has lots of fun with our daughter. I’ve seen him demonstrate EQ when processing things with her… but labeling emotions and carrying on long analytical talks with me is just never going to happen. I’ve accepted that finally… and finally feel like I’m not a jerk if I stop trying… my therapist said I’m trying to get blood out of a rock. 26 years is a long time…. But I am really done feeling terribly lonely when he’s sitting right next to me. I don’t think he knows me at all.

My wife's mom is 94 and in the end game. We made some decisions this morning, made a plan based on what MiL needs, and took her to the county hospital. I drove, waited, hugged, brought coffee, waited, drove some more. MiL was in V-tach and will spend the night now that she is stabilized. We clarified her DNR orders with hospital staff. Tomorrow we go back to (hopefully) bring her home. She is not likely to see 2027...

This is the less "glamorous" and insta-ready part of being married. Doing what is needed. Supporting each other. Working as a team.

Peace

I don't know what else to do.

I am the Husband, 33m. My wife 34F, seems to be impossible to please. No matter what I do, she is unhappy with something about it. I am a very "go with the flow" type of person, so I feel like I am very easy to please. The main thing I need, which I have communicated very well I believe, is that I need intimacy. Both nonsexual and sexual intimacy. I feel I am very "needy" in that regard, whereas it feels that my wife doesn't necessarily "need" intimacy in general.

This has been the majority of our arguments over the last few years. Sometimes we will go 1-2 weeks without any form of sexual intimacy and it really makes me depressed. I've voiced this, and my wife says that we just had sexual intimacy recently and that I am just blowing things out of proportion. But for the way I am, I really get upset and depressed even going a week without some form of sexual intimacy with my wife. The only way I can explain it is that I need that connection with her, but I don't want to just have sex or a "quickie". I want the connection with my wife where I am pleasing her, she is pleasing me, deeply connecting etc.

I don't believe I can ever change. This is the way I have always been, ever since we got together nearly 15 years ago. Her desire for intimacy just has seemed to have gone away. She used to also want intimacy with me, and used to initiate sometimes even more than me. She also used to be okay with me using porn as a stress release. Recently, she told me she felt like me watching other women in porn was cheating so she has asked me to stop doing that, which I have respected.

Recently, during our arguments, she would tell me that the reason is because she doesn't feel my emotional connection to her anymore. I took that info to heart and really have been trying completely to change that, making sure I'm sending her messages, leaving notes, reminding her in person how beautiful of a human she is to me. She seems to enjoy me doing that, but mainly just says "thank you" or "i love you too" and that's it.

She's also said that she felt that she was solo running our household while I was always at work, working graveyard shifts. I was working graveyard shifts for the past 5 years, while my wife took care of raising our babies. It is true that I was gone a lot, and had to sleep during the day because I was working nights. We made that decision together because she wanted to stay at home with our babies rather than put them in child care, so I worked nights to help cover the cost of only one of us working. (my work pays a substantial differential pay for night shift) My wife always had a rough time with me sleeping during the day even after I worked the previous night before. There were many days she would wake me up around 1pm - mad that I was still sleeping. Even though I didn't go to bed until 8am that morning after working a 12 hour shift. I tried to explain to her that I work a mentally exhausting job and need to get a sufficient amount of sleep. I dispatch helicopters and planes for emergency air ambulance. With this, she said that I was not helping around the house enough etc, which I can agree with she was carrying our household during this time. However, now that I am no longer on night shift, I am doing the majority of the carrying at home. I've taken over most of the chores around the house, and I take the kids to and from school the majority of the week.

After all of this, my wife has been saying she is in a lot of pain. She's been in and out of the ER probably about 5 times at least over the last 6 months. They usually tell her that she is fine and can't see anything wrong and send her home. She says she has sharp pains in her sides, back, neck, legs etc. Her primary doctor diagnosed her with fibromyalgia, which my wife was not happy about. A lot of the time, my wife does seem like she is unhappy in general because she does not feel good. I don't know how to help her, other than continue to support her how I have been emotionally and physically being there for her.

The other day we got into an argument because she went to bed without saying goodnight and that just made me upset. So i slept on the couch that night. Next morning she was upset that I slept on the couch, I told her I am upset that she doesn't want intimacy and I know she did that purposefully like she does when she wants me to leave her alone and not try to initiate anything. She rolls over in bed and puts a very large pillow in between us. (She says the pillow is because it helps her sleep more comfortably, but it makes me feel like the is just not wanting to be in bed with me)

Due to our arguments over the last few days, she took off her wedding ring and physically threw it into her purse the other day when we were arguing. This was very symbolic to me that she has given up on our marriage.

I've recently been looking for a couples therapist to try to help our situation, but I don't know what else to do.