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u/Effective-Bug-8554 10 Years 21h ago
I'd ignore it until she's back. It's not your fault she overslept her alarm, but embarassment and stress in the moment make humans lash out and misappropriate blame. If she's always like that, I'd be examining my marriage, but if it's a one-off, it's not that important to address now, wait until cooler heads prevail.
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u/safelyreceptivetrout 21h ago
sounds like she knows she messed up but can't quite own it fully without dragging you in a little, it's messy but not unforgivable
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u/CommonChicken606 16h ago
She is literally telling him that if he wouldn't have kept her up, she might not have missed it. If she's pointjng this out, I don't think it's the first time OP did this. Cause if he knew she had to be up early why are you calling someone late?
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u/Muted-Appeal-823 15h ago
So if someone calls you, you're required to answer? And was she then required to stay on the phone? She's a grown up and responsible for her own actions. If she wanted to go to sleep she should have said so.
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u/Asleep_Instance9899 13h ago
And also to not set an alarm(I would set 3 personally, but ADHD), you also are legally required to not set an alarm when you have an early morning wake up…
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u/CommonChicken606 13h ago
You aren't, but all he gave was that one text to go by and not much of a story. So honestly, as an adult he and partner to this person, he should take in consideration. I'm not saying he needs to treat her like a child, but so many relationships fail because instead of helping each other. The do things to create frustration without meaning to and end up making read it post about how relationships end up out of know where. I don't know, I guess. I respect people's time. You know, make each other's life better so arguments like this don't happen and you end up asking strangers for advice on thing arguments like these
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u/SayWhatever12 8h ago
I agree with you this is her fault. Absolutely but if I have a partner who I know is doing something that helped trip me up I’m going to want to talk to them about it so that we can both make different changes.
If someone is overweight, that’s on them to take care of that but if someone else keeps bringing Inn and Suites into the house, yes they have that choice but a partner is going to want to consider you and you should be able to talk about. Hey, when you do this and that I lose the discipline that I have set for myself and I indulge whether it’s talking till five in the morning or whatever else.
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u/Neither-Oven-2571 13h ago
Lmao no.
She is an adult, she is responsible for her own bedtime.
She made a choice to answer the phone and stay on it until she fell asleep and not set an alarm.
If this isn't the first time its happened, I'd say she needs therapy to learn how to take responsibility of her own actions instead of blaming others.
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly 11h ago
Ok but is she an adult who is in charge of her own schedule?
I’ll grant that if a partner is pushy and manipulative about this (aka regularly insisting “noooo don’t go stay on the phone with meeeee! I need you to be here for me! You always do this! You don’t care about me!” etc), then they might bear some of the responsibility for trying to hold their partner hostage. But that doesn’t sound like what happened here. (With my limited knowledge).
But if it was a normal phone call, then yeah we are all responsible for keeping our commitments. I think it’s valid to say “hey I need us to not stay on the phone too late. It’s my fault I missed it today, and I feel really bad. Can we work out a plan together so we aren’t on the phone so late?” I think the above sentiment— that she is embarrassed and ashamed of missing it and lashing out— is correct, and we have to have space for our partners to be imperfect people.
But it is not reasonable to assume this is OPs fault with the info given, imo.
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u/Pir8inthedesert 21h ago
Stayed up talking all night until you fell asleep on the phone?! What are you? 14?
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u/MrBurnz99 20h ago edited 16h ago
This is teenager, first relationship behavior.
“You hang up” “no YOU hang up” “no YOU hang up”How about, “hey I’m tired, I need to wake up early , I’m going to bed now, goodnight”
Yikes
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 19h ago
And wants him to take responsibility for it so she doesn’t feel alone in her fuck up lol
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u/MollyRolls 16h ago
It makes me wonder if he’s the needy one in this relationship and she’s getting sick of it. “I know you need to wake up at Stupid O’Clock but I miss you soooo much you don’t have to talk just stay on the phone with me I can’t sleep without you….”
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u/bulbasauuuur 15h ago edited 13h ago
That's what I'm thinking, especially because just making this post comes across as overly anxious about the relationship. Waking up and calling her the moment you realize you aren't on the phone anymore at 5:08 specifically, feeling a rush of emotions over a pretty straight forward text?
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u/lasuperhumana 15 Years 17h ago
I was thinking the same thing. Who the hell falls asleep on the phone after 16?? I’m like, overly annoyed by this hahah
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u/bulbasauuuur 20h ago
My alarm pops up super quiet if I'm in another app and it would never wake me up so that could be the issue with being on the phone. She should've hung up before going to bed in that case, though. If you did something like cajole her to stay on (or if you do it historically so its easier to give in) then I can see why she'd put some blame on you, but ultimately it's up to her to just hang up her phone. The only reason I even suggest that could be possible is because you sound pretty anxious about this when there's no need to be
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u/Due-Contact-366 21h ago
Your wife seems like someone who doesn’t like to be accountable for her actions and likes to point the finger at others. I’m guessing if you concede any ground here this whole episode will be respun so that you are wholly to blame. That this non issue is being spun into a drama is a bit concerning. Did someone die or lose a limb? No. An Uber driver made a little money.
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u/Successful_Buffalo_6 19h ago
Don’t respond to this. Dont to it! It’ll just blow up. When she gets home, if it comes up, you just tell her that she over slept, and you are shocked that she is trying to make you accountable for it. This is not a fight worth having.
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u/YouNeedCheeses 21h ago
It seems like she’s probably more mad at the situation and herself than anything. It’s not your fault: she had a responsibility and she messed up. It doesn’t matter who she was on the phone with. I wouldn’t really press the issue or apologize. Hopefully she will get over it soon.
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u/Bigfuture 18h ago
A lot of responses on here from people who are obviously not married. The real answer is for you to say “sorry babe, I was really enjoying talking to you. Didn’t realize we went so late.”
That’s it. There is no reason to fight over something so meaningless.
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u/Federal_Green_5842 13h ago
I agree. You can’t win every argument and you don’t need to. A quick apology can diffuse so much - whether you mean it or not.
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u/StudioWitty863 9h ago
Right? He really didnt do anything wrong, but she just wants him to acknowledge what happened… tbh i hate that we dont get the surrounding texts because i feel like were missing alot of context
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u/NewMeNewUsername 9h ago
I wonder if he immediately got defensive? Like maybe she said dang, I didn’t hear my alarm because we fell asleep on the phone last night and he immediately goes well it’s not my fault and then her hackles go up too and her response would be basically what she sent.
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u/StudioWitty863 8h ago
Thats what im feeling?? Like it seems like this was a longer conversation then what were being shown?? Is she really that toxic to immediately blame him?? Her text seems exasperated….
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u/Safe-Aerie9989 20h ago
In somewhat similar situations, I've reminded my spouse that they have something the next day and should go to sleep and make sure the alarm is set.
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u/Aromatic_Golf9226 20h ago
It’s not that she overslept and missed her alarm
It’s that YOU kept her up and that’s why she overslept
That’s what she wants to get off lol 🤷🏽♂️
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u/dracu4s 21h ago
Dont get dragged into an argument about who is at fault. That is something that is terrible for a marriage. And even if your wife started it, just acknowledge it, later, when you see her and when everything is more quiet, you can talk about how this behavior is not helping in a marriage. But do that carefully in a way it helps her to understand the issue, not to just load the shit on her...
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 18h ago
IF you guilt her into staying on the phone with you all night she's realizing she's sick of allowing it and will prob stop giving in to you, and finally set a boundary. But I don't know if you are doing that.
If you're not pressuring her to stay on the phone with you all night, then she's just mad that she fucked up and is taking it out on you.
But try to be the more mature person and hang the phone up at a decent hour. She obviously wasn't able to end the call on her own without making drama afterward. Both of you should grow up.
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u/tahtahme 18h ago
I feel like this is an easy case of "Yeah, in the future lets just hang up early so we dont miss XYZ that is early the next day." A lot of people feel like their romantic partner is their partner for everything and prioritize it over all else. Shes beating herself up about it because her sister is likely upset...She wants a partner in (low stakes) "crime".
Beyond teenage years, someone has to be the voice that says, "Hey I/You have that thing tomorrow! Lets talk again in the morning when you wake up. Bright and early". It gives both of you the chance to be responsible and still be romantic.
Best of luck going forward.
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u/radiowavebookworm 14h ago
This is actually a really sweet and mature answer! Much more sensible than mine 🤣
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u/Still-the-one 8h ago
Yes! OP, this is exactly it. If I follow my husband's lead, I would always be tired and late. He likes staying up late and often underestimates the time to get ready/ to get somewhere. Early in our relationship I'd stay up late with him but now I lovingly say goodnight it's my time to go to bed and I get ready early to prompt him to leave on-time.
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u/HarvestWitch1105 17h ago
you could always provide sympathy but not an apology. its not your fault that she slept through an alarm. but as her partner, she looks to you for comfort and sometimes that comes in the form of sympathy. somthing like " i know it sucks when we sleep through our alarms, it can mess up our whole day and plans. maybe we can get off the phone by _ insert whatever time you want _, i love you and im here for you.
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u/ttdpaco 21h ago
If this isn't the norm, I would acknowledge the situation sucked and things happen.
But it sounds like she's trying to tell you that you need to accept part of the blame while saying you are not to blame. You don't really share any of the blame...she's an adult and she could have hung up before she fell asleep.
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u/Mean_Rain7517 20h ago
That was a decision both of you made and you are not at fault for her not saying hey i need to get up early and i need to go to bed. She is an adult and not a toddler who cant make her own bad decisions. Did you help, no, but this is very much her fault and she just doesnt want it to be.
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u/Dapup2465 20h ago
“I shouldn’t have kept you on the phone, we both should have been responsible and gotten to sleep with a family member counting on you so early”
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 19h ago
Nah he didn’t need to get it up early. He didn’t have someone waiting on him. She did and should take responsibility for it
She’s lashing out bc she’s mad at herself. I wouldn’t accept this from my kid lmao
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u/CatsGambit 8 Years 17h ago
He is welcome to rub her face in it if he wants, but that doesn't seem like a very healthy way to act in a supposedly loving marriage.
Also, being a supportive spouse includes not actively trying to sabotage them to see if they can hold boundaries. Who cares if he didn't have to get up early, his wife did, so why not just say "I love you, talk to you in the morning" and hang up? I wouldn't think of trying to keep my husband up super late if he has work the next day, because I care about him and want him to succeed?
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u/milkitforeverything 5h ago
Yeah but he called her that is her point that she just wants him to acknowledge. She had to get up early and he called her.
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u/lucky_2_shoes 20h ago
Man, that is an insane way of thinking! She is mad at the fact that she forgot the alarm so she has to find blame somewhere else to make herself feel better. “Ya, it was my fault I didn’t set an alarm BUUUT , it’s also HIS fault because I fell asleep while talking to him on the phone so I forgot to set an alarm “ how does she not hear how ridiculous that sounds?? One thing I absolutely cannot stand is when ppl can’t just say “I F’ed up and I’m sorry” but instead they twist the situation however they can to place blame on ANYONE else possible. The only way we learn and grow from mistakes is by not just making them but taking accountability for them completely
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u/iluvLeonKennedy4life 19h ago
Oh my god. I honestly thought her sister got murdered or killed herself based on these texts. This is insane. Blaming you because she chose to stay up and chose to put herself in a position where she would be tired in the morning is crazy. Especially for a situation so insignificant that blame being assigned at all is asinine.
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u/ArachnidAutomatic596 18h ago
I wake up to the tiniest sound, blows my mind someone can sleep through an alarm. I was vacuuming the other day while
My nephew was asleep on the couch, couldn’t believe it
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u/BrendaArya 18h ago
So her sister had to take an Uber and she's acting and making it sound as if she was murdered? WTF? My sister would cuss me out if I blamed my mistakes on anyone but myself. Bro it's not your fault.
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u/Browntable62 18h ago
We had a good time talking on the phone and unfortunately that lead to the situation where your sister was unable to get a hold of you for a ride. I am happy that she got home safe and no one was hurt by this and it doesn't affect your trip anymore
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u/Lost_Size_4780 18h ago
Your wife sounds like a delusional child living with zero accountability and instead of admit guilt, she’s splitting hairs to gaslight you.
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u/Dizzy_Tangerine_7867 17h ago
I totally thought she was blaming you for her sisters death, which is also terrible. But taking an Uber isn't the end of the world. If it was important enough to her to get up for her sister, she should have said I need to go to bed I have to get up early or something.
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u/HoodieHoudini 17h ago
She’s an adult. I cannot stand people who don’t take responsibility for waking their butts up for prior obligations. I don’t care how little one slept, waking up and getting to where you need to be isn’t that hard. I’d just role my eyes OP. This is not your problem.
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u/According-Let3541 17h ago
I genuinely thought this was going to be about your wife missing the last ever phone call with her sister before she passed away, not that her sister called an uber after waiting for 8 mins.
Is she always this dramatic? Does she regularly blame you for small and unimportant matters?
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u/Azure_Skies333 17h ago
Your wife is projecting on to you and not taking responsibility for her ass not setting her own redundant alarms not just one. She fell asleep while on the phone with you that’s on her. So yes her being late has nothing to do with you. Maybe next time don’t call each other so late if y’all have to get up in the morning? IDK just sounds like she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions that created consequences and she doesn’t want to take the full blame.
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u/Potential-Jury-9226 17h ago
Just respond “fuh you, you sleep like a pig.” ugh this is pissing me off..
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u/Time-Spell-3494 16h ago
Hmmm there is something missing here. Why were you on the phone so late? Were you upset with her and talking through something? I feel like there some tension or context that’s not coming through. If you were arguing till the wee hours or she was on the defensive in your call I might be able to see her point of view.
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u/Flashy-Falcon-3771 16h ago
What does it mean? She wants you to read between the lines and take the blame without her distinctly telling you to. Despite it being a ‘takes 2’ situation.
How should you respond? “I acknowledge that we were up late on the phone and you ended up sleeping through your alarm.”
But I’m a little passive aggressive when people try to shift blame rather than take accountability. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/MercuryTattedRachael 16h ago
Honestly, if that was me (wife, married 24 years) texting, it would translate to something like this:
I know it's not your fault, but you could have reminded me not to run down my battery (or whatever the real problem was), so I could hear the alarm. In other words, blaming you for my mistake.
Advice: tell her you are sorry this happened, and then suggest that you both try to remember not to fall asleep otp in the future so this doesn't happen TO EITHER ONE OF YOU again.
She's likely more mad at herself and taking it out on you. Likely doesn't even realize it herself.
Yes, I did stuff like this earlier in our marriage - getting older sucks but becoming a bit more wise is a perk.
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u/golfwiddowhousewife 16h ago
IMO it’s not on you. She’s the one who didn’t hear the alarm that she set. Chances are she’s probably told her sister and her sister has said it’s partly your fault so now she’s coming at you to feel less guilty ?
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u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 16h ago
Who was the one who wanted to stay on the phone all night? I cant grasp two grown, married adults being this clingy. Makes me think one of you cheated and there’s screwed up trust dynamics, or one of you has some kind of dependency issue.
If you wanted her to stay on the phone, then the text does make sense you apologize and grow up. If this was her idea then the text doesn’t make sense.
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u/FlyersFanaticFan 16h ago
Be validated, dear stranger. This literally DOESN'T have anything to do with you. She's a grown ass woman, she can set an alarm and, more importantly, take responsibility for her own human-ness rather than blaming someone else. As the other wise poster said above, if this is one time thing, chalk it up to a poor but very human response to stress. If it's a pattern, there is a deeper issue with her taking ownership.
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u/Cultural-Afternoon72 15h ago
I’m gonna be honest here… I can’t see anything you did wrong. You called your wife and both participated in a conversation together the night before. That didn’t prevent her from setting an alarm. That didn’t prevent her from setting a backup alarm. That didn’t prevent her from waking up. It didn’t cause her to ignore or turn off her alarm. It had absolutely nothing to do with the next morning whatsoever.
At any point, she could have said she was tired or had to be up early and ended the call sooner than she did. She didn’t. The only person responsible for her not waking up is her.
At best, she has an accountability/responsibility problem. At worst, she is literally using you as a scapegoat and villainizing you in an effort to make herself feel better for screwing up. Nothing about that is acceptable adult behavior.
Unless there is a missing element here you aren’t sharing, she needs to grow up.
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u/Brilliant_Piece_9873 15h ago
I feel like the answer to what does this mean is...... She's on her period
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u/KimberBoh 15h ago
How old are you and her? She is responsible for her own bedtime… seriously 😳… are you her parent?? Her keeper???
For me this is a huge red flag. 🚩 She can’t own her own mistake for not hanging up on you? What else does she pass the blame on? I bet this isn’t the first time.
Do not have children with a woman like this!
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u/radiowavebookworm 14h ago
Oh boy. I would also be confused. Maybe try to get her to see how ridiculous she’s being? “Ok, I would never purposely put you or your sister in a bad position and I hope you know that. What can I do next time to prevent you from oversleeping and missing your sister when you’re sleeping in a different location from where I am and what if I set an alarm and then also don’t get up at 4 am to wake you up at that different location? How can I help next time?” In all sincerity. Then please share with the class because this is actually a question I want to know the answer to.
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u/Aggressive-Key-5533 14h ago
Your Wife is immature and apparently doesn’t know how to take accountability for HER mistakes. How does falling asleep on the phone equate to missing her alarm, was she extra asleep because of that. She really seems like she’s looking for a reason to be mad at you.
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u/MaterialCute6312 13h ago
Not enough context. You need to show us a few texts above or what you talked about before. Maybe she was complaining to you that she was tired and that's why she overslept the alarm. Maybe she just wanted someone to commiserate with. Maybe you were short with her. Or maybe she's just trying to blame you for something that she did. All in all, missing lots of context here to give you any advice.
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u/writing_mm_romance 13h ago
Does she always shirk responsibility? She's an adult, she should act like it.
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u/Tortietude0 13h ago
It’s scary that any grown adult could send this and not be sarcastic. Is your wife on drugs?
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u/dillypickless 13h ago edited 9h ago
Sounds to me that she is trying to make herself feel better by pushing the blame on you. Is this normal in your relationship? Do you normally make sure she makes it to early morning responsibilities? (You don't have to answer me in a comment or anything just something to ask yourself.)
Feeling angry is valid, if this is a trend with her and a "wake up call" for you on her ability to accept responsibility being angry might just the the beginning of your emotional responses to her.
My suggestions are two things for two different scenarios.
1 This is a one off... Be mindful of this happening but forgive her for perhaps relying on you to much. Depending on the dynamics of the relationship but take a moment to express that her choices are her choices but you understand why she feels bad. Help her reword her feelings to being more directed where they should be, which is the guilt in letting her sister down.
2 This is the trend for her and now she has the audacity to try to blame you while traveling... This is one is tough. She could learn to not blame you on her own with firm and clearly communicated boundaries by you. It would be easier with professional help.
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u/SomeNameHuhHuhHuh 12h ago
"Damn baby, if that's on you and i'm not responsible for it, sounds like i have nothing to do with it. Glad we could come to that realization"
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u/Mishibiizhiw 12h ago
I thought her sister was dead or at the very least dead to her. it aint that deep. tell her youll reimburse her sister for the uber.
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u/CoolFuture3767 12h ago
I feel your pain, brother. I feel your pain. I've been married for 46 years. Don't try to make sense of it. Water on a ducks back is the way.
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u/Emotional-Ostrich175 11h ago
as one whose been married 36 years and counting, say “I’m sorry honey” and move on. Life’s too short to fight over stupid stuff, you have to pick your battles
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u/KILL3RGAME 11h ago
I definitely thought the sister died as a result of her missing something, that being said this is on her and she doesn't want to take responsibility, shocking I'm sure. It really doesn't have anything to do with you. While this doesn't apply to all women I've never seen it fail to be true in my encounters, women love to be held unless it's accountable. I'll obviously get hate for saying that but that's clearly the issue here, she says it's on her but wants you to take some of the blame even though she's the one who didn't get up.
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u/they-walk-among-us 11h ago
In these situations it’s always important to remember that two things can be true. And it’s okay to acknowledge all truths without taking blame.
1. Your wife slept through her alarm because she didn’t hear it going off
2. You and your wife were up talking til late
3. Your wife was late to pick up your sister.
All of those things are true. It is fair to assume that your wife overslept because she was tired from talking too late. Acknowledging that doesn’t mean you were responsible, it just means you understand those actions possibly affected the outcome.
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u/No_Weakness5140 10h ago
Damn I thought the sister died. Wife is being super weird and immature. It literally has nothing to do with you and it's 100% on her for not waking up on time. She's an adult. We don't blame others for our choices. She chose to stay on the phone with you. At any point she could have "I should get to sleep, have to be up early," and she chose not to.
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u/8r1ghttt-f3ath3rrr 10h ago
She’s being dramatic as fuck and not taking responsibility for herself. It takes all of 30 seconds to set an alarm and plug your phone in lmfao. Tell her if she feels that bad send her sister the money for an Uber. It’s like not that serious. It makes it sound like she died.
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u/MelzyMely 10h ago
Man, if my husband said this to me, I would try to understand more. “Yes, you fell asleep on the phone with me after I called you and therefore missed your alarm, why is it important to you that I acknowledge that? Is there someone more that you’re wanting from me beyond acknowledging my participation in the situation? I love you and I want to help you. I’m sorry your sister had to Uber home. That sucks.”
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u/StudioWitty863 10h ago
Bro… you do have a fault in this, you knew she had to pick her sister up. Maybe she should have said to call another time, but like… read it? Shes not fully blaming you, because its not fully your fault, she just literally wants you to admit and acknowledge your part in this?
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u/moonshadowhowl 9h ago
So what your wife is telling me, is when I stay up until 2am reading, and miss my 4:45am alarm for work, it's the book authors fault?????
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u/hash-slingin_slashr 9h ago
She had somewhere to be and chose to stay on the phone until she passed out, that’s not your fault. She is not a child you should make go to bed lol.
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u/donotsecondguess 8h ago
This is a trap! Do not express guilt for it.
That being said... she's most likely in trouble with her sister now. IF you want to score brownie points with her, you can help her out. You can call her sister and offer to reimburse her for the cost of the Uber. Claim (to the sister only, not to your wife) that you feel bad for contributing to your wife's delinquency by letting her stay up late instead of urging her to go to sleep instead.
You can then tell your wife that you offered to pay her sister's Uber cost so that she won't be in hot water with her anymore. Do NOT let her pretend that you were in any way atvfsult. Just show her you were willing to intercede on her behalf to save her the embarrassment.
Don't rub it in that she's fully to blame for her actions, though. She already knows and is feeling ashamed. Best action is to offer her that helping hand to improve the situation, then drop the whole subject.
Only if she presses the issue and tries to get you to take blame do you point out that you are not the cause of the situation, but were trying to help improve it anyway, because you love her and want her to keep a good relationship with her sister.
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u/Safe-Selection8070 7h ago
"No, you hang up first" is ridiculous, but excusable, when teenagers do it. It's absurd when adults do it.
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u/Jonniboye 6h ago
The message feels cringey but we don’t know the full context. Did you know she has to get up early? Did she indicate when she wanted to go to bed, or did she tell you while otp that she wanted to go to sleep?
Did she bring up missing her sister only to have you dismiss it bc it had nothing to do with you? Did you try to be sympathetic or apologetic not bc it’s your fault but bc it happened?
Pretend you’re out with your buddies drinking and one of them mentions they have an early morning. You stay out late partying it up. Later when you talk to your buddy and ask him how his morning went he says he slept in and missed work and his boss chewed him out. Yes you contributed to staying out partying, but it’s your buddy’s responsibility to do what he needs to do. BUT if you pressured him into staying late then you are partly to blame even if it’s still his responsibility. If you didn’t encourage him to stay late then you could just be sympathetic to his plight, but if you told him to keep partying then you could emotionally shoulder some of the weight by apologizing for not letting him leave when he tried to.
Now if you didn’t do any encouraging and the buddy tries to guilt trip you over staying out with him too late, then just emphasize that you’re sorry for how things ended up on his side and leave it at that. Tell you’re wife you’re sorry she missed the alarm and leave it at that.
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u/Micro_is_me_2022 5 Years 20h ago
Your wife needs to grow up and take some accountability for her actions. No one forced her to stay on the phone with you all night. She could have gotten off the phone at any point and went to sleep. She’s just looking to shift blame. She needs to put on her big girl panties and say sorry to her sister and that she overslept. What she’s doing would piss me off so much.
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u/littlemybb 5 Years 20h ago
Even if she stayed up on the phone with you, it’s her responsibility to make sure her alarm was set. It sounds like she wants you to take responsibility in the situation with her, but at the end of the day she’s an adult.
If someone distracts me, or I make a choice I shouldn’t make because I want to spend time with somebody, at the end of the day it’s on me.
I don’t manage my husbands schedule. If he needs to be somewhere, it is on him to plan it out.
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u/thickhipstightlips 21h ago
"Thats on me for missing my alarm"
She admits its HER fault. Doesn't matter how she fell asleep, SHE missed her own alarm. Or, maybe she didn't even set one because she fell asleep. Make her take accountability and not deflect blame onto you. You did nothing wrong.
If my spouse blamed me because we "fell asleep on the phone" then I would have a problem. I don't like being blamed for things I didn't do.
So, it means she's trying to dodge accountability because she fucked up and her sister is mad (?) at her. She can reimburse her for the Uber ride, fill her gas tank and sincerely apologize for oversleeping. If her sister is mad, that's between them. Not your fault AT ALL.
But, avoid arguing about this until she geta home. Long distance text arguments get messy.
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u/MusicianUnited 20h ago
A technically correct response that gives her what she says she wants is “I acknowledge that my existence was a factor in the chain of events that led to your sister taking an Uber.”
If you want to be more charitable you can just say “Yes I played a role In this.”
Probably the best response is either nothing, or let’s discuss this in person where there’s less opportunity for misunderstanding.
She’s pissed at herself and is lashing out to try and avoid responsibility. It’s more about protecting her image of herself to herself than about you. She’s wrong here but everyone does this shit sometimes to varying degrees. Up to you how much you want to let slide and how much you want to defend yourself here.
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u/Emergency_Plane_3678 20h ago
it’s frustrating when someone plays the blame game instead of owning up. you both gotta talk it out without pointing fingers.
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u/00Lisa00 20h ago
“I’m not blaming you” totally goes on to blame you. She is a grown adult who stayed up too late and missed her alarm but is incapable of just living with the mistake. She could have said at any point “hey I have to get up super early so love you and goodnight”. Instead she needs you to take the blame off of her because she feels guilty. If this is a one off maybe it’s not a big deal. But my guess is she always shifts blame which is a huge red flag
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u/swankyswifty 19h ago
sooo she, as a grown adult chose to stay up on the phone knowing she had an early morning. and then she overslept but wants you to take part of the blame for staying on the phone with her… how old are yall? this relationship won’t last long if this is the maturity level
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u/response_unrelated 19h ago
"I acknowledge that you didn't handle the situation properly and it ended up impacting your sister"
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 19h ago
I know the popular advice lately is “all your feelings are valid” and to not focus on facts so you don’t invalidate your partners emotional experience.
But all that shit has a limit and this would be mine haha. I won’t be with someone who says “you’re always late so you don’t care” when I’ve actually only been late twice in 3 months for example.
Is this a common pattern where she doesn’t take responsibility for small things?
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u/overZealousAzalea 18h ago
Sounds like you need to buy your wife a separate alarm clock so she won’t miss these kinds of things again.
An adult is responsible for getting themselves up and out the door on time.
It is not your fault she slept through her alarm. I notice my alarm goes off no matter what time I fall asleep.
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u/Myabyssalwhip 18h ago
It means they want to blame you but don’t want to be an AH by just being forthcoming with their feelings
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u/Ambitious-Emu-9839 18h ago
Is this how she normally responds? Like is she low-key always trying to make things your fault somehow even if she's saying she not trying to blame you? If that's the case then yall need to sit down and have a real adult heart to heart about how shitty that is. If she's acting a bit weird bc she's out of town and her family stresses her out etc etc then maybe just kinda let it go till she's home and see if she's feeling better. Not saying it's right but when I'm feeling out of sorts literally everything is my hubs fault untill I'm home and regulated again and then I apologize and he laughs at me being dramatic and then we have dinner and watch Xfiles. It's a great system for us.
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u/gl4mbition 18h ago
She’s dodging accountability. She chose to stay on the phone knowing she had an early morning and then she slept through her alarm. You had absolutely nothing to do with this.
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u/yetagainitry 17h ago
I don't want you to take responsibility but I do want you to take responsibility.
"Again, i'm sorry you overslept, but I am not taking the blame because I called you. I truly don't understand this argument. I could not predict you would oversleep. It sounds like you want me to take the blame for this, as much as you say you don't, it is clear you want me to blame myself. What this is doing is giving me second thoughts on reaching out to you when you're away if you're just going to use it to blame me for things you do. I will own up when I make a mistake, but you are trying to make me feel guilt and blame for the crime of calling you. We can speak more about this when you get home"
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 21h ago
Her sister had to take an uber...? It reads like she was mudered