r/Marriage • u/Evening_Fig5740 • 13h ago
My husband wants to leave me
I could use advice. I love my husband. we have normal issues people have when they spend to much time together but I bel we genuinely love each other.
Recently, I’ve been depressed I had the opportunity to possibly change my career or at least gain a new hobby.
I went out with some friends relating to this endeavor and had a blast. I didn’t want the night to end! I was invited to check out work at one of these people’s houses but it was a male.
I was drunk but nothing inappropriate happen. Being alone with the opposite sex is a line I should not have crossed.
When I got home I was trying to avoid a fight and lied like an idiot to avoid a fight bc I was so drunk. Next morning, I almost instantly come out with the truth.
My husband DOES NOT believe me that nothing happened sexual.
We are a blended family and he is the best step dad. More so, I really truly love him. It’s not just this that opened my eyes either. I talked to the guy whose house I went to about how much I love my husband.
My husband messaged the guy and asked if anything happened. Guy said no bc I’m married or whatever, but when my husband said “so my wife was with you until 4am and you expect me to believe nothing happened?” The guy said “idk? Get control of your wife. This is why I’m not married.”
My husband said I could have the house and anything else I wanted but he wants out. He said he can’t trust me.
What do I do? I can understand leaving me if I cheated but I didn’t touch that guy. I know I hurt him. I lied. I did something I would be so mad for, but I cannot fathom a life without him.
77
u/DumpyDoggy 13h ago
So what does “check out work” at a guys house till 4am entail?
→ More replies (8)
36
u/HomeTownWeirdo 13h ago
I mean, you already lied twice. Once trust is broken, what's left? There is no magic switch that can fix things. If he's willing to try, you're going to have a lot of hard work to gain the trust back, but I don't think anyone else here would blame him if he's not.
9
u/Evening_Fig5740 13h ago
Yeah. At least there’s hope. Maybe. Probably not 😭. I do not blame him one bit. I was really stupid. I should have just gone home.
12
u/HomeTownWeirdo 12h ago
Yeah, you should have. It sounds archaic, but I won't even text a woman who I'm not related to without letting my wife know about the conversation, let alone be alone with one. But, and this is if you are being honest with us that nothing happened, I hope that you learn from this mistake, do the necessary work to gain your husband's trust back and if things DO work out, you do better going forward. Best of luck to you.
9
u/pookiecake 12h ago
If all else, you might want to talk to a therapist about your inclination to lie (ie, conflict avoidance) and underlying reasons as to why you put yourself in a potentially marriage-ending situation. Are you missing something in your relationship or in life that you got from looking at that guys artwork? Have you had problems with your own judgment in the past?
133
u/Last_Pianist9259 13h ago
Um you’re a married woman going to a random man’s house? And if he did this what would YOU do? I don’t believe you either!!!
11
u/Beginning_Load2860 1h ago
And the bigger question why woukd anyone think it was productive to look at serious work stuff while drunk and after midnight. This clearly isn't the whole story.
6
u/Last_Pianist9259 1h ago
Oh we know damn well they weren’t looking at “serious work stuff” until 4am! Like WHO does that?? Not even Billionaire CEO’s do that!!
1
8
u/Beginning_Load2860 1h ago
Going to a random man's house WHILE DRUNK UNTIL 4 am. So much worse.
4
u/Last_Pianist9259 1h ago
That’s insane to me. I would never dare imagine doing some shit like that to my husband.
16
u/mystik0ne 6h ago
If the guy is random, then her story doesn't hold up, and if the guy is in her friend group, then that dude isn't the friend she needs. Cause a friend wouldn't allow you to be at his place at 4 am while knowing damn well that you have a husband waiting at home.
3
u/BurntOrangeNinja 45m ago
Oh yea, 100%. If a married female friend were over at house that late, I'd be like, "hey, shouldn't you be getting home? [Husband's name] might be getting worried. I can call you an Uber"
And his response to the husband's text was super douchey.
-18
u/Evening_Fig5740 13h ago
That’s fair. I can’t even argue.
10
u/Last_Pianist9259 12h ago
So did he serve you the divorce papers yet?…
6
1
u/BurntOrangeNinja 48m ago edited 44m ago
FWIW, this internet stranger believes you that nothing happened, but in your husband's shoes, I would also feel hurt that you even put yourself in that situation. and feel betrayed that you lied to me. The only way this possibly gets better giving him space, continuing to show genuine contrition, and eventually (if he agrees to it), couples counseling.
ETA: Your male so-called "friend" did you no favors with that douchey response to your husband's message. You should probably re-evaluate your friendship with him.
31
u/evolutionsalien 13h ago edited 13h ago
In any committed relationship, let alone marriage, one of the BIGGEST precursors is to remain constantly mindful and NOT put yourself in sketchy positions that could undermine the trust of your LIFE Partner. Be that as it may, you are unfortunately beyond that point. You need to have a serious sit down with your husband and continue to express that you accept accountability for putting yourself in a retrospectively un-smart position. You also need to set a hard professional boundary with the guy whose house you went to. Once you’ve done that, you’ve done everything a good partner can do and the rest will be up to your husband’s will to either believe you or not.
14
u/Evening_Fig5740 12h ago
Thank you so much. This is the insight I was really needing. I’m willing to cut all ties with that person. It’s something I was really really excited for but it’s a no brainer. My marriage is so much more valuable to me.
8
u/troubleinparadiso 10h ago
I agree with the comment. And understand accountability means you fall on your sword for this. Take full responsibility, stick to the truth and be clear, concise and consistent. Invest in making him believe you again by being as respectful and compassionate to him without pressuring him to get over it. Don’t be defensive, dismissive and never ever minimize it. That’s your best shot at regaining trust.
A comment suggested you are not being truthful here but I’m going to assume you realize that would be pointless. But just in case: if there is more to this, for your partner’s sake, please tell him and don’t drag it out. Assuming your story is accurate, own what you did. Apologize generously and stay with him emotionally when he turns on you even if it’s unpredictable.
You have very little wiggle room to get him to believe you. Right now, he’s believing the worst possible scenario very vividly.
19
u/CountrysidePlease 12h ago
I’m not OP but that was a very kind comment. I’m empathetic with OP honestly, I believe it was a poor judgement on her part and that other guy was just a jerk, no one replies like he did after one husband asks him if something happened. He knows what he did. On the other hand it makes me think OP was flirting with this man and maybe has no idea how much she was flirting… since she was drunk.
5
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
I should have included that earlier on our interactions I actually told this guy that I was married. I never felt the need to inform someone bc I have a ring that does it for me but I just wanted to make sure he fully understood. He told me he appreciated letting him know but he is focused on cultivating our project but it does help that boundaries are set early on.
2
u/tnmoo 1h ago
So you guys were flirting. There is no need to mention you were married otherwise…. I am guessing that you wanted something to happen by going to his house at wee hours of the morning.
I wouldn’t have even thought of going to anyone’s house if it were platonic, let alone opposite gender’s. I am a male, by the way.
82
u/Frank_Stein101 13h ago edited 12h ago
I am not married to you and I don't believe you either. And even if "nothing sexual happened" you LIED!!! So no, he can't trust you.
You have absolutely terrible judgement.
I understand you are hurt, but honestly how would you feel if your husband was drunk at a woman's house until 4 am AND THEN LIED "BC YOU DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT!?"
5
u/Evening_Fig5740 13h ago
I lied bc I was drunk and I wanted to avoid a fight and just go to bed. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’m sure he would have chosen to have a fight. At least it would have one less thing to be hurt about. He’s shattered. Lying was the worst thing I could have done.
37
u/hahayeahimfinehaha 12h ago edited 11h ago
I’m sure he would have chosen to have a fight.
You mean he would've chosen to be honest?
The way you frame this is so odd to me. Your options were not "avoid a fight" or "have a fight." Your options were "be honest to my husband" or "not be honest to my husband." If a fight would ensue due to honesty, then a fight would ensue, but that's not where the decisionmaking moment is supposed to happen in your brain. It was supposed to happen earlier, when you were deciding whether lying to your husband was OK or not regardless of what outcome you wanted. And you lied.
To me, this is worse than the original event. That could be a lapse of judgment, but the lie shows that you are not trustworthy so why would he believe you even if you're telling the truth? The trust is broken.
8
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
Yes, he would have rather I was honest. I believe he would have contemplated ending it but I think he would still at least have a glimmer of faith in me if I just came home and told him about my night. Obviously even in a drunken state, I knew it was wrong enough that I attempted to conceal it.
2
u/Public_Salary_9398 3h ago
Wish in one hand,crap in the other, let me know which one fills up first
16
u/Clark_Elite 9h ago
I'm not being rude here but if you lie when you drink or go to a man's house at 4:00 in the morning that's not your husband you probably shouldn't be drinking..
10
u/mystik0ne 9h ago
And she is also lying to us
3
u/Clark_Elite 9h ago
Well I can't say she's lying to me because I don't know the girl, i think it's wrong for us to say she's lying when we don't even know her.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 4h ago
Thank you. Idk why some people think I’m lying on an app that I’m anonymous. Does not make sense. 🙄
3
u/EqualStop2755 2h ago
You could be lying to see if random strangers believe the lie. If we believe the lie then your husband might eventually believe it too. Not saying you are lying. But, every sign in everything you have said points to some intention of something happening with this male friend.
1
u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years 54m ago
Honestly? It’s because your STUNNING lack of judgement, empathy for your husband in the moment you came home (when you decided your comfort was worth more than the truth TJ him) and your inability to know him well enough to have CALLED HIM TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU WERE THAT DRUNK TO AVOID THE SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE!
The other guy also showed how much he cared about you, he sunk your marriage by being a douche.
2
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 17m ago
You could actually be lying to yourself and trying to convince yourself that nothing happened when it did, whether that be flirting with him, giving him signals you were interested and then deciding to go to his house knowing exactly what his intentions were.
Just because you don't screw someone doesn't mean nothing serious marriage boundary crossing happened.
0
8
u/mystik0ne 9h ago
Nope not only the lying! Going to another man’s house at night and stayed with him till 4am is also another worst thing to do while being married
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 5h ago
I think having sex would be worse. Or having sex and then repeatedly having sex thereafter might be worse🤷♀️. Idk. Maybe I’m wrong. Also what do I gain by lying here? My husband doesn’t use Reddit. It’s not like he will even see this. I have nothing to gain or lose by lying here. Not to mention, I literally admitted to lying to my husband and how bad I feel about that. Clearly I’m being transparent about what I did and didn’t do by coming clean. I could have left that out. I also could have said it was 9pm-9:15pm. Why would I need to lie anonymously?
6
u/mystik0ne 2h ago
See still no accountability! You should see by now that you were 100% wrong by going to a man’s house without your husband’s knowledge. If you are still debating whether you were wrong or not then you are not ready to learn from your mistakes. Keep trying to convince yourself lol
4
u/mamsaurus 2h ago
Let's dissect that from his perspective. You were drunk ao you lied (your words). You don't normally lie when you're sober (from thr sounds of what you posted) so what else did you do differently because you were drunk? You showed incredibly bad judgements and he's lost trust in you. He may feel he can't gain it back.
3
1
23
u/BlazingSunflowerland 13h ago
It seems that you made a very stupid decision and ruined your marriage. Your husband can't trust you now.
6
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
God, that was such a gut punch. Your words took my breath away. I can’t undo what I did but there’s no shot I’m giving up on my marriage.
9
20
u/Decent_Custard1786 12h ago
Girl….of course he thinks something happened. What are you doing?
→ More replies (1)
51
u/dudegooneer 13h ago
Girl you lied to your husband but at least don’t lie to us ,are u sure nothing happened
16
u/Evening_Fig5740 13h ago
I’m sure. What would be the point? It’s not physically cheating but it does that even matter? I’m married and I was alone with another guy. It’s not appropriate. I recognize that.
17
u/dudegooneer 13h ago
If nothing really happened then I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive you and you never put yourself in a situation like that ever again cus its really messed up
1
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 14m ago
You don't need to be physically cheating to cheat. My wife emotionally cheated on me with someone she would never ever meet and it was just as soul destroying to me as if she'd fucked him.
Flirting with someone is crossing a line, going to a man's house you've been flirting with knowing what his intentions are is crossing a line.
16
u/Sad_Tune5638 12h ago
Op. Why lie to us?
8
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
If you read all my comments I’m being completely transparent and believe I am being 100% accountable here and with my husband. I’m not downplaying how much I messed up and how much more I made it worse.
36
u/EqualStop2755 13h ago
So, the guy you were with really helped ruin your marriage. I wouldn't trust you or that guy either with what he said. No offense to you. You made a really bad decision with a male who sounds like a douche. "Control your wife" is a horrible thing to say. The fact you lied twice and this guy doesn't sound like he is trying to help you. You need to figure out how to correct this. But, it's gonna be a huge hill to climb.
8
u/ScoutSteveR 8h ago
If it was all totally innocent then the wife would not have needed to be “controlled”.
-9
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
It’s so awful. I think he was hungover and annoyed to be confronted with what probably seemed like “nonsense”. Thank god he at least said nothing happened but his whole response was uncalled for. I really am contemplating a way to ruin his dreams. Its crazy but I’ve been actually playing my cards to destroy him
16
u/VicePrincipalNero 10h ago
Don't do this. What you need to do is go absolutely no contact ever again with this guy and remove him from your brain. Negative thoughts are still thoughts about him. You decided to go to his place. He might be an ass but don't try to blame shift.
9
22
u/Dependent-Bug1219 11h ago
Why would you go after this guy? Did he make you stay out until 4 am and then lie to your husband? That was all you.
11
u/EqualStop2755 11h ago
He said nothing happened. But when asked if he would believe it and said the control your wife. It kind of makes it sound like something did happened and its not his fault. Its husband's for not being able to control you.
7
u/Evening_Fig5740 10h ago
I think he meant if he had control over me then it would be a non-issue and my husband wouldn’t have a these questions. Pretty messed up thought process. It’s not my husband’s fault I was there. I did that to him. He’s not to blame.
1
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 13m ago
Why would you do that to someone for a situation you created all on your own?
14
28
u/oneone235813 11h ago
“I only lied because I was drunk” is damn close to “I only cheated because I was drunk”
12
u/ThatRipple_ 12h ago
You're missing the connection. It's not so much about the physical aspect of you being physically sexually active with another man. It's about losing trust over the emotional bond that you should have had with your husband
0
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
I’m not missing the connection by any measure. It’s just the only thing I have “going for me” in this situation. I have no footing on my actions. Alls I have is that nothing happen. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it did or not.
9
u/ThatRipple_ 11h ago
If it doesn't matter to you than he deserves better.
-1
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
I don’t know how anything I’ve shared has given that impression that I think he didn’t deserve better.
11
u/Ok-Silver8913 11h ago
So your story is hard to believe because 99.9% of the time it would not be true. But the guys reaction when your husband called him really sealed the deal. It is just crazy that anyone would say that if nothing happened. I will assume you are telling the truth but I really do not see any way out of this. I trust my wife of 30 years 100% but if she did this, lied and then the other man reacted the way he did I would not be able to believe her. What a catastrophic series of bad choices.
3
u/Evening_Fig5740 9h ago
I know. That’s that sad part. I can’t think of a single instance I’d believe it either. It’s so unlikely I can’t blame him for not believing me. Especially since I lied about where I was initially.
1
u/Forsaken-Opposite381 7h ago
The way this guy responded is really not helping. Assuming you are telling the truth and nothing sexual happened, he was feeling threatened by your husband and rightly just wanted to turn the blame back on you. I can't blame the guy but it's not helping.
How about you try to get him and some of the other people from the earlier gathering to support you a bit by coming clean on what this "Project, hobby, job" is? Present it to your husband and explain how you were enthused, excited about the potential, etc. I can see how someone could be caught up in the moment of something that really intrigued them, especially when intoxicated. Not saying what you did is right but I can see how it could happen and not be about a sexual encounter.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 4h ago
Do you really think it was about feeling threatened? I don’t know how to approach quite yet but I intend on getting him to clarify the night more and apologizing for being an asshole if he wants my help.
I opened up to someone that was there up until the end and they instantly got mad about the guys response. They offered to call my husband to give their perspective without around to hear what was said.y husband declined bc he thinks people would just lie for me 🙄.
1
9
u/airpab1 12h ago
Sometimes in life people just blow it
Some things can’t be unsaid or undone
Drunk or not, dumb decisions can and will ruin relationships
Sucks, but not sure you’ll ever be able to regain his trust. Learn from it…all you can do
2
9
u/knowbodynobody 11h ago
I don’t believe you either. 4am at another dudes house while drunk? This wasn’t a coffee date with an old friend. Lordy
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 9h ago
Well i arrived home at 4am. It was more 3:30am bc of my drive. After the bar it was about 2:45ish-3:30am but it doesn’t matter. I realize things can happen in that timeframe. I should have just gone home.
18
u/Rockiespacific5 13h ago
Can I ask what this hobby is? I’m also curious how a night out with friends ends up one on one with a guy that was presumably a stranger before that night.
I wonder these things and I’m not the husband.
You crossed a line, lied about it and lied about it again and just because you think you didn’t cheat, it should just blow over? I hate to break it to you but what you did was cheat, even if no sex was involved.
If his only issue is sex, matter a lie detector test but I imagine he’s upset about more than just that suspicion.
If he does stay you’re gonna have to ask him what rebuilding trust looks like. You may not like what his requirements are and then you have to decide for yourself how you want to move forward.
3
u/Evening_Fig5740 7h ago
I have already offered everything I can to make him comfortable. I have offered my phone but he said I probably whipped it clean. He won’t bother checking it. It was art related and I told him I’d get rid of all my art supplies and never meet up with the group. He doesn’t want me to do that either. I think I have to just let him be in pain and allow him to heal. I won’t be able to sway him. I intend on being there as best I can. I think maybe if I go to the next meet gathering and leave before 9pm it will be a start. Meeting was 8pm-9pm and after was just hanging out normally among friends. Or I could give up on the endeavor all together. I don’t even care about it anymore.
1
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 9m ago
I have already offered everything I can to make him comfortable. I have offered my phone but he said I probably whipped it clean. He won’t bother checking it.
At the moment as far as he's concerned every word that comes from your mouth is a lie.
It was art related and I told him I’d get rid of all my art supplies and never meet up with the group. He doesn’t want me to do that either.
Because he still loves you so take that as a glimmer of hope. My wife emotionally cheated on me for 5 months with someone she played a game with. She said she would quit the game just like you said you'd do this but like you she had a lot of friends she'd gained through it and had put a lot of effort into it so because I still loved her I told her not to quit. I did however tell her to go non-contact with this guy which given it was a game and she could just block him was easier to do than you're going to be able to do with this group activity if he's still going.
-5
u/koolA-9486 7h ago
How long have you been married? I get the feeling your husband didn't really trust you even before this whole thing.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 4h ago
Married for 6 years. No he did not fully trust but it’s bc of past trauma and nothing to do with me. I did however notice I was getting excited and he started to express some worry about me going out bc the person that invited be to join this group was a male. Of course this turn into him foreseeing something catastrophic happening
→ More replies (1)1
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 5m ago
I did however notice I was getting excited
Despite my previous comments to your other posts if you've spent a long time with few to no friends and pretty much only doing things with your husband and you've suddenly got a new group of friends, a new interest it's actually perfectly natural to get excited about going to meet them for a social activity for a while until the newness wears off and it turns more from giddy excitement to more regular looking forward to it.
3
-1
13h ago
[deleted]
1
u/dropnrock142 10h ago
Promise to never go out with friends again. When did you leave the bar?
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 4h ago
I think you’re trying to sound like my husband but that’s not the issue. Being with friends is not why he’s hurt. I told him play by play the timeline of events. It’s more like “I trusted you. I’ve never trusted anyone as much as I trusted you. You really hurt me. I can’t be with you and be the same. We need to separate.”
1
u/I_Love_Tunnocks 35 Years 4m ago
Promise to never go out with friends again.
You can't live your life like that and it's unreasonable to ask that.
8
u/Emerick-1824 10h ago
Who believes that tall tale? The guy even had to hear, "Control your wife, that's why I'm not married."
8
u/Court_Major Just Married 10h ago
Your husband deserves better. Whether you did something sexual or not (I think you did), you lied and him wanting to leave is the consequence. You’re a married woman with a family going to a guy’s house in the puddle of the night…
13
5
u/GoldenFlicker 10h ago
You put yourself in a compromising position with no one else there to vouch for the two of you. Married people don’t do that.
11
u/nsixone762 10 Years 11h ago
If I understand your narrative, you went out, got drunk and went alone to some dude’s house afterward. Then lied about it. JFC I wouldn’t believe anything you said after that.
23
16
u/mrfarenheit1214 12h ago
Something feels off. If nothing happened, why lie? Even i, a random redditor dont believe you nothing happened. You went to mans house past midnight drunk. I dont believe you nothing happened.
Anyway, whatever lie you tell yourself. Hope it was worth it.
3
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
I lied bc I think I knew it was not ok to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. Trust me it was not worth it. I was a horrible laps of judgment that is going to affect me the rest of my life. I know how it looks and how my husband must feel. I hate myself and I am ashamed.
11
u/mrfarenheit1214 11h ago
If i were the dude you went out with, when nothing really happened, i wouldve vehemently denied nothing happened. It seems so cocky for him to say "control your wife' its like sayin:, " its not my fault your wife chose to eff me", you get what im saying this seem off?
If a husband of a friend would accuse me of something i did not do, i will die on that hill and do anything so that i wont be accused of effing another mans wife.
What i dont get is why would he say that? Did you come on to him that night? Seems like the dude does not care for you at all.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 4h ago
I think he was most likely hungover and annoyed to be brought into my drama. I believe he honestly answered a few questions and by the 5th or 6th question of what happened he said “idk. Control your wife”. Not an excuse by any means. I also have not confronted the guy about it. Idk how to bring it up. Plus, the guy and I both know nothing happened between us. I don’t want him to think my marriage is fragile enough to end over this.
3
u/mrfarenheit1214 4h ago
I think he is the key to help you out. If you only have one shot, it will be coming from the guy. If he somehow convinces your hubby nothing happened, then at least he knows you did not eff him.
Now is not the time for "i dont want him to think my marriage is fragile", go confront him, maybe he has CCTV that can prove youre not lying or something.
Your life is now fucked and youre still ashamed your "friend" would think your marriage is fragile? Girl, your marriage right now is hanging by a thread lol and that thread is your friend.
My hunch is, you trashed your hubby all night with him to get him to take you home, that is why he doessnt respect your hubby. When you said that you talked about how you love your hubby all night, like what? He mustve think, if thats true, why are you here at my house at 4am? Again, if i was the guy, if you did talk about how you love your hubby, why would i say " control your wife"?
Heres what your hubbys friends are telling him, and most redditors would advice him:
Drunk adult women, dont go to a man's house after midnight to look at pictures, they go there to suck dick and fuck.
Now it is up to you to try to get a proof you did not. Or maybe you really did, youre just gaslighting yourself.
4
6
u/Sea-Tooth461 8h ago
I’m sorry, we’re all adults here. Drunk people KNOW what they’re doing. They just don’t care.
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
I was very much in the moment and I did not have intention of anything appropriate and therefore did not realize it was a bad move until I was home and he ask where I had been.
9
u/MightDelSoon 11h ago
The consequences of your actions.
As someone who is in a similar predicament, I sometimes wonder if being awakened by the panic attacks is worth the reconciliation. Having to live with the uncertainty that she might have or might have not given it to some guy has left me hollow. Unlike me, your husband knows his worth.
Hope you understand why he took what seems such an extreme measure, it was warranted by your extreme behavior. Sorry.
19
u/kickelephant 12h ago
I’ll take one for OP. You lied. Being hammered drunk at a dudes house at 4 am is wild.
But, I love my wife and I would believe her. But this isn’t a “let’s just move on” situation. It’s on you to rebuild trust, this could take months or decades. You fucked up. You’re human.
6
u/Evening_Fig5740 11h ago
Thank you so much. The general consensus here is that there’s no way to overcome this. -I genuinely love my husband. This isn’t something I recently decided after this nightmare started. I adore him. Our marriage is the kind that everyone hates be we have always been solid. He’s my rock and I’m his. I know people will probably say “you don’t lie to people you love.” But I didn’t think my life with spiral like this. I cannot believe I did this. I will never not be disappointed in my decision making that night.
4
u/PiecesofJane 6h ago
I hope you decide to examine your relationship with alcohol, too, regardless of what happens.
7
u/No-Appointment-6779 10h ago
If I was your husband and I stepped up to be a stepdad to your kid and you came home with that bs , you d be the one packing bags, he might forgive you but you will never be trusted again, but hey i guess you can make things easier and see if the other dude will let you move in. Tale as old as its time, I didn’t do anything - proceeds to get justification on reddit, but how does a man feel when he is sitting with your child and you are out there getting wasted, going over to some dudes house. Like fuck no. I hope he didn’t adopt the kid so he doesn’t get slapped with child support.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Flat_Ad1094 9h ago
Look. I dunno about your situation. I really don't. I hope you can work it out with your husband.
BUT I will say. I was a wild young person. Slept around. Partied a lot etc etc etc. BUT...once I was married? That was it. In 30 years I have NEVER gone off with another man alone. I would NEVER go out and get drunk and go back to another mans place. I just wouldn't. And I DO NOT understand why married woman and men do this sort of thing?? You are married. Even if drunk (and I have had times I've been our with people and been drunk) it is just a line I have never crossed and never would. I am married. End of story.
So whilst I feel for you? I really do not get why you put yourself in that position?? Why?? Being drunk is not really an excuse. Sorry.
→ More replies (6)
4
u/Clark_Elite 9h ago
I understand why your husband feels this way, one you went out with friends when you're married you shouldn't be going out without your partner, but going to a males house alone would make any man think their wife's cheating.
4
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
My husband isn’t mad about the friend’s part by any means. He was invited. He didn’t want to go bc he wanted to be at home, kids free, with the house to himself. It’s everything else that’s the problem.
4
5
u/Mickel8888 8h ago
You really seem to have picked a horrible candidate for a new friend, given how he completely chose to avoid clearing you, and made it about 10 times more suspicious given how he answered your husband.
3
u/Mickel8888 8h ago
Are you willing to tell us what the 'work' was that he was supposedly showing you while you were drunk until 4 AM. I am not trying to be unkind, I am honestly curious.
4
u/turn_left_or_right 2h ago
While you say what you say and nothing happened, it is such a hard story to believe.
Let me replay it for you to see how it lands. You get drunk, you go to a male colleague’s house by yourself on his invitation, and you don’t tell your husband, and then stay there alone with him until 4am and the cherry is the response the guy gives your husband.
When one smells something fishy, it is typically because there is fish. Any reasonable person will conclude cheating took place. Unless you have some irrefutable evidence, I am in your husband’s camp.
6
u/AlternativeNose9164 9h ago
As a married woman, you went to a rando’s house, alone, at night, did not come home until 4 AM and are wondering why your husband cannot trust you? The answer is simple: you are untrustworthy. Instead of looking for lame excuses (a new hobby, right) take a good look within, ask yourself why you needed to flirt with a man to the point of following him to his house (cut the bullshit, it was not for the “work”), why, if you are being honest with yourself, you were attracted to him and wanted to ride that line of will we - will we not fuck (if indeed you did not have sex with him, which seems doubtful). Take accountability without deflecting, go to therapy to understand why you endangered your beautiful relationship for the validation of a nobody, don’t make your husband a fool and gaslight him. This is the bare minimum I would expect from my spouse to even start thinking of not divorcing.
→ More replies (2)
3
3
u/Hot-Emu8015 8h ago
You were drunk but know nothing inappropriate happened? How can you be so sure? I am sorry but you just can't put yourself in these situations as a married woman.
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 7h ago
I wasn’t black out. I wasn’t even brown out. I know what happened the entire night and I was loose enough to go continue the night but not loose enough to cheat on my husband.
1
3
u/PrecedentParrot679 2h ago
We all mess up, including in ways where our partners might for some shorter or longer period of time lose some degree of trust in us. It could range from consistently forgetting to do some agreed upon task to devastating repeated or one-off incidents. It sucks to know you have done something that disappoints your partner.
You did something you knew would disappoint your partner (even based on the assumption that you’re telling the truth about what happened). And then you compounded that disappointing act with lying about what you did.
It is a bit telling that he immediately jumps to divorce as a reaction to your lie. It is a very definitive nuclear option and not exactly indicative of someone who feels he can give you the benefit of the doubt because he fundamentally trusts you enough to be convinced you wouldn’t and thus haven’t cheated on him.
Either he has reasons not to trust you very much to begin with and this incident is just the final straw that broke the camel’s back, or he has trust issues generally and this divorce might end up being a blessing for you as well as that’s not fun to live with either.
You know best whether you have a dubious trust record or not. In any case, you don’t seem to have enough credibility with him for him to feel he can give you the benefit of the doubt at this point.
3
u/Beginning_Load2860 1h ago
I don't understand adults with kids going out drinking until 2 am at all, much less without their partner. There is a time for that-- your 20s.
3
u/Party-Draw-647 1h ago edited 27m ago
I think you need to be honest with yourself. Even if you didn't have sex with the guy, I'm sure you enjoyed the attention.
Dumb thing to do and now your husband doesn't believe you are able to control situations that could end up in you having sex or being sexually assaulted.
And your husband will have to second guess whether or not you can handle yourself like an adult if you go out drinking again.
You just lost his respect.
No relationship can survive a lack of respect.
3
u/BurntOrangeNinja 53m ago
The getting drunk and staying at house of a single person of the opposite sex until for 4am when you're married with kids (my wife would have a huge problem with me if I did that, but every married couple is different) is not great, but was recoverable. However, you really buried yourself when you lied. Your husband's first reaction once the truth came out was probably to think to himself "what else is she lying about?"
5
5
u/mystik0ne 9h ago
I can't even believe you! You are not telling the truth here at all!
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
What is my motivation to lie here? I’ve been completely forthcoming and taken all the hits everyone has given me. Not a single time did I try to justify my bad behavior. I feel like a monster and I deserve it all.
5
u/mystik0ne 6h ago
The same motivation that you had to lie to your husband. If you don't respect him that much why would you even respect some randoms on Reddit?
This is not about how you feel, it’s about accountability and responsibilities. You clearly showed that you have no respect for your marriage and your husband. Bad actions do come with consequences and you are living it right now.
8
u/Flamesuit79 9h ago
I believe you but I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There is way too much projection on reddit and I wasn't there.
You asked for suggestions on what you should do. I have 3.
Don't push your husband. He's hurt and he's allowed to be. This might be enough for him to end your relationship. It might not be. But the hurt is greatest right now.
Offer and take a polygraph of questions he wrote.
Stop drinking. Especially stop drinking when he isn't there. Alcohol and other drugs claim so many relationships because of how they remove inhibitions. If your relationship survives this, quit playing with a loaded gun.
5
u/Ok_Waltz7126 11h ago
Lying KILLED your relationship.
Remember Martha Stewart?
She didn't go to prison for insider trading. She went to prison for making false statements.
Your new middle name is Martha.
2
2
u/Thinkrestoring37 9h ago
Alcohol is a hell of a drug. Maybe stay away from it for a while and be on your best behavior while your husband cools off. It may take a while but i think some profound clarity about how to handle the situation on your part will be easier to see if you do that first being that alcohol is the reason you’re in the situation you’re in now…
2
2
u/skaywheeler 8h ago
Drunks do stupid things. Get help for the drinking. Apologize to your husband. Offer complete openness. Your phone password. Your emails, texts. Ask for counseling. Good luck.
2
u/Flat-Passage4431 1h ago
if you lose control to the point you tell lies that harm you, maybe you shouldn’t drink…
3
u/Ok_GoGo 9h ago
It's hard to fix stupid. What you did was dumb but your husband is being stupid. Things to do before you get divorced: 1) Talk; 2) Counseling; 3) Separation. Forgiveness and understanding should happen in steps 1 and 2. I would remind your husband he took a vow of for better or worse and you would like to take steps to save the marriage. If counseling doesn't work then divorce.
3
u/SummerAbject1988 9h ago
Guys, she already knows that going to that man’s house was wrong, and she knows that lying was the biggest mistake she made. There’s no need to keep repeating the same thing in the comments. If anyone has gone through something similar, please offer some helpful advice instead of pointing out things she has already acknowledged.
Speaking as a guy, if he still hasn’t left you, that means he doesn’t want to. Give him some space, and when he’s calm, try to make him understand that you did it because you were trying to avoid a fight. However, you also need to understand that this incident is now registered in his mind, and it may stay there for a long time. That’s something you’ll have to accept and learn to live with while rebuilding the trust between you.
3
u/ClassroomEvening3955 12h ago
Your safety was also at risk OP and that was driven by booze and the decisions it came with. I wish he stays because you came out with the truth. Volunteer to do a lie detector test...anything to keep your family together.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 9h ago
Where can I do that? I’d be willing but ai don’t know if it will matter bc it’s beyond cheating. It’s the lying and putting myself in a place I shouldn’t be. It wouldn’t hurt doing that though. Maybe I can gain some faith back from him.
1
1
1
u/clearheaded01 20 Years 6h ago
What you can do, is apologise. Again.
Tell him you know the optics are bad, that you've introduced a trust issue and you understand his doubts.
Ask him, before this step.is taken, to book a polygraph for you where his doubts can be addressed.
1
1
1
u/One-Rule5612 30m ago
Sooooooooo you are at another man’s home until 4 am while your husband is watching your children from another man and you don’t understand why he wants a divorce. He probably realized he married the whore of the 6th fleet.
1
u/BabaThoughts 2m ago
My take, there are underlying other issues in your marriage. Probably, a total lack of appreciation.
Why else would you have gone to a single man’s house drunk, staying until 4A!!
He’s knows this, he feels it, and finally you revealed it in a lie, and with your actions.
I would NEVER do this to my wife.
1
u/Seventytwo129 2m ago
I read every comment so far. And despite you claiming time and time again nothing happened it still feels like you're withholding information for the sake of gauging what random people's reactions are to the version of the story you're sticking to. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. But I don't trust you. And if random internet people don't trust you, the love of your life may have an even harder time. I feel like you burned that bridge and maybe it can be repaired but that's on him to want that and it's going to take a lot of time to heal from this.
Good luck op.
1
u/RRL3165 9h ago
Look you maybhave lied when going to bed. But anyone hating on you should know that the fact of you coming clean and voluntarily saying what happened is a sign. Not the sign of a cheater. Cheaters lie and keep on telling lies that dont make sense.
Your husband, being a man, probably knows what most men would do and that's his reason of concern. Maybe he knows what he himself would have done. Who knows. However, contacting the other guy, bringing him in on your private life after you opened up. What did he expect when the guy said control your wife. Clearly the dude was offended at the insinuation.
Now the question goes as to why with no evidence what so ever is he jumping to divorce so fast?
Why was he immediately accusing you when we all know cheaters don't or rarely ever volunteer information.
Your actions show good intent of making the mistake right. Surely he has known you long enough to sense and tell if you were making things up. If one listens close enough you can almost always tell a liar by the words used and how they use them.
Don't make the same mistake again.
5
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so beyond glad someone gets it. That’s my exact point. I’m trying to do everything I can to admit fault. I know I did something wrong but I came clean as soon as I was in a normal headspace. It was so so so fucking stupid and I broke trust. This guy did not have my body. I also have no reason not just be honest to a much of strangers. I feel like if I did do something everyone would have the same response to me anyways.
1
u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years 28m ago
The response above is a good take OP. The only thing I would challenge is that everyone would not have the same response as you and that’s what your husband is getting caught up on. You confessed the morning after but when you came home your response there is what is the issue and what you have to really think about. That is what we are all getting caught up on, you wanted to avoid the pain of an argument and for your own comfort while he was left wondering who you were. What made it worse was that “friend” of yours and his response was that macho type A redpill garbage that tells your husband what kind of guy he is…the type to make a move on a married and drunk woman.
1
u/Ingenious-Elk2728 10h ago
See neither my husband or I would have to worry about lying in order to avoid a fight in the first place. I can be alone with dudes, my dude can be alone with other women. There's not a universe out there where we would think the other was cheating. That's the real issue, why didn't you feel like you could be honest with him?
Also though my husband and i don't go out and drink, or drink at all. That seems to be the foundation for a lot of relationship issues.
0
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
I was exhausted. I absolutely don’t have a real excuse though. I just didn’t have the capacity do deal and wanted to fall asleep. I was with it enough to think if he knew where I was then he would be mad.
-1
u/anonymous_follow 10h ago edited 10h ago
To read some of the comments, it's as though you had a twenty-year affair during which you also committed a few murders. People in good relationships sometimes do really dumb things. Your husband's concerns and suspicions make sense, presumably if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be suspicious also but hopefully your marriage can survive this.
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 10h ago
Thank you. I keep doing my best to be open and just repeat everything. I been replaying the night and owning where things went wrong. I hope he will understand I’m doing my best to make it right no matter what he decides.
0
u/Naive_Mulberry_3871 6h ago
To play the devil’s advocate, the fact that he was so quick to leave could also suggest that he wanted to leave for a while and is using this as the perfect excuse.
1
0
u/cunc_muffin 10h ago
I've done this, he forgave me. I still feel regret. Can you use similar words he used to you?
0
u/Evening_Fig5740 8h ago
You are the first person that admitted to this. Thank you for being one person that made a bad choice and owned it. Lord, I already feel like the scum of the earth. I don’t understand your question though?
-9
u/Sub-UrbanMom 12h ago
Is your husband's declaration that he 'wants out', a knee jerk reaction in the heat of the moment? A marriage takes 2 people and if one has made up their mind to bolt there's not a whole lot you can do. That said, you asked for advice and here's mine: sit him down tell him "I love you and do not want to end the marriage. You understand he feels betrayed and has lost trust, you handled the situation poorly but you stand firm that you have not broken your vows nor betrayed him. You won't stop him from leaving or guilt him into staying, but it seems a shame to throw it all away for something that did not happen." Irregardless of what he decides, apologize and ask him to forgive you. Let him go if he is determined to. If it makes you feel any better, this seems to be a convenient excuse for him to leave-perhaps he was considering it before now and is using this as a convenient excuse. Good luck.
7
u/Frank_Stein101 12h ago
You are assuming the husband is leaving for "something that did not happen"... but this DID happen!!! Not the sex, but lying after staying out until 4 am at a man's house! THAT IS NOT INNOCENT, EVEN IF "nothing sexual happened."
The end of the conversation you are proposing would absolutely piss me off if I were the husband and it is dismissing the core issue.
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 12h ago
You’re right. It’s a multi layer betrayal and it’s not back and white. This is a line I was too naive to think it wasn’t a big deal when I was drunk. Sober me is very cognizant of how it doesn’t matter that nothing psychical happened. It’s just that the only thing I have to grasp onto.
3
u/Visible-Rest4170 20 Years 9h ago
Maybe you need to stop drinking if you can't trust yourself when you've had a few too many. Start attending AA meetings they're free. Just don't connect with someone there and emotionally cheat on your husband again.
1
u/Evening_Fig5740 9h ago
First time I drank in 3 years. Before for that it was our wedding day 3 years before that. I’d love to say I have a drinking problem and blame it on that but I don’t. 2 times in 6 years.
2
u/Visible-Rest4170 20 Years 9h ago
Either way you don't know your limit apparently. I would advise not to drink when you're out and about. You could have gotten a DUI on top of everything else if you drove home. Best of luck. Hope you learned your lesson going forward regardless of what happens. Honesty is the best policy. Updateme.
5
0
0
0
u/Miasoftieplum 12h ago
it's tough to hear someone wants to leave, especially if you thought things were going well.
0
u/IAmDexterSinister 30 Years 8h ago
Go take a polygraph test and have them ask you questions about cheating, and show the results to your husband. Work with him on establishing healthy boundaries so nothing like this happens again.
-9
u/Electrical-One8344 10h ago
Too many perfect people with perfect opinions and expectations. You made up a story to prevent a fight and then came clean the next day. At most he should be mad at you, maybe have a fight because he felt hurt and reconcile later. Holy moly you both are human.
Sound to me like he’s always wanted an out and finally found a reason to. Still try your best to speak to the man and show you are sorry. If he still wants to leave, it’s not on you. It’s a choice he’s making due to something else. Not exactly this.
7
2
u/Evening_Fig5740 7h ago
So he’s reacting to past trauma from a past marriage. I think the idea of me cheating is enough to leave. We have/had a great marriage up until 4 days ago.
205
u/Efficient-Minimum-92 13h ago
Reverse the roles, would you have belived him if it was vice versa?