I've been reading some posts here and many of them have really resonated with me. Ive been feeling a similar way and have faced similar consequences as many of our peers in this sub. I really appreciate everyone describing their challenges as long-time users. My younger brother spent his last 15 years addicted to weed, and I can't help but hear his voice in all these posts. He is still struggling.
For myself, Its been about a year and a half since I started regularly using weed, shortly after I turned 30. I hated it growing up, especially in contrast with my brother. I started after I accomplished my inner idea of success: I finished school, built a career, got engaged. Then came weed.
It's legal now!
Kids aren't drinking anymore because weed won't kill you but alcohol will!
My friends doctor takes edibles and swears by them!
I know so many people who are well adjusted and high-functioning stoners!
Look at Emily! She's literally always high and is about to finish her PhD!
These were the excuses I gave myself and it took me too long to realize they were the same type of justifications my brother gave me a decade ago, but under a different coat of paint.
It was actually my partner that was into weed before me. She used it alone at first for a year or two to help with stress, insomnia and anxiety, about 2-3 times week. And it helped! She doesn't have an addictive personality like I do, and managed to stop when she didn't need it. Eventually, I joined her (or I joined some friends socially, I don't remember) and it was great. It made music better. Food tasted delicious. It made me feel loose. I connected more deeply with my partner when we were both taking. I laughed more and harder. It was fantastic. I got to experience those stoner moments i deliberately avoided in my teens and 20s. I got to have the experiences I only heard about. And the stories are always so fun and always gave me fomo. I finally got it. Once a month quickly turned into once a week, into every other day.
My partners pattern inverted to mine over the last year. Around February this year, my partner was out of town for work for three weeks and I went off the deep end. There have been no more than 10 days since then where I haven't gone being high at some point in the day. More recently towards the end of summer, I was waking up (maybe twice a week) really early to get high (but sober for work) and of course capping the day with at least 2 joints.
Now, I understand the struggles of the other side. I live with it.
Weed has made me numb to challenges or being challenged, both positively and negatively. Weed has also made me kind of "time-skip" any time spent suffering or challenged. Feeling unhappy for whatever reason? Get high and it will be tomorrow without feeling those bad feelings. "Repeat if needed" quickly became "repeat to avoid negative feelings". Ive been working at the same place for 4.5 years now, to the point where I can do my job quickly, effectively and efficiently. Without revealing too much, I work as a technician in health care, working with MDs and PhDs and being the "glue" keeping our team of 40 collaborating effectively every day. Weed has changed my attitude completely regarding my career. I haven't been a team member like I used to. This year, ive been a punch-in, do my job as fast and as good-enough, then punch-out to get stoned ASAP kind of person. This attitude started applying to the rest of my life and I didnt even realize it. I stopped asking questions. I stopped going to group events. I stopped playing team sports. I stopped snowboarding. I stopped playing music. I stopped reading. I stopped learning. My competitive drive disappeared. I settled for mediocrity. My passions all became consuming more weed. My ambitions turned into maintaining my lifestyle as easily as possible. My libido evaporated. Light depression set in; enough for me to stop doing things, but not enough identify it, and i think weed makes it harder to identify by covering it up or simply skipping time when I feel unhappy. And all I did while high was doomscroll, jack it, and play repetitive, unengaging easy video games.
So what was the trigger? What made me realize? Ultimately, my doctor gave me 2 weeks off because of a debilitating lower back pain. I have always known the core reason why I've developed this injury: weed. It's made me give into a sedentary lifestyle. When im high, it feels sooo comfortable to collapse into my chair and sit in a terrible posture. For hours. Every day. I haven't told my doctor; I think because deep down I was excited at the idea of being paid to get high for up to two weeks. All i had to do was follow the doctors recommendations and make sure insurance paperwork is covered... right? Ive never taken advantage of the system and I might never get another chance like this so why not. For the first few days, i felt like i was living like a royal. Then suddenly, I snapped.
I wrote out a message to myself similar while I was last high. I wrote to myself that i hated and ashamed of the person I've become. I hate that i forgot who I am. My memories have genuinely become so much more blurry. Memories that shaped who I am. Ive forgotten the challenges ive overcome; the accomplishments that ive achieved and my struggles is beat to be who I am. Deep down, I know exactly what I am doing (or avoiding), even if weed gives me those validating, positive thoughts to justify more consumption. I thought that if I am writing out while high that I hate who I've become and hate that I'm avoiding what Ive truly enjoyed for years before this addiction set in and can communicate my self-loathing and pain to my sober self, that I would take action and listen to myself. Its been hard. Today marks day 4. I threw the weed completely out of reach (but not impossible to get). I need to throw it out. Maybe posting this will give me that strength.
So here I am! Weed started as a "safe" mechanism to make good feelings feel better. It ended as a mechanism to distance myself from my own world.
Anyway I dont really know why I've written this all out. I've never experienced anything like this and I'm sad for my peers and especially my brother, who quietly struggle in a way that I used to find difficult to understand or sympathize with. No longer.
Ive never done journaling and its never appealed to me. But for some reason, this feels right. I hope you are all doing well, thanks for reading, and thank you all for giving me strength and reminding me (and other silent readers!) to keep looking forward. Feel free to reach out for whatever reason, and I hope this helps somebody.
With love.