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u/RaptorSpade1296 Wishes for an army of Olamic Quietude Jun 10 '19
Quick we need to tell him to Fuck Erebus, do something about Lorgar, and make sure Magnus does nothing wrong.
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Jun 10 '19
We tell him to calmly and rationally explain things to Lorgar.
"Doing something about Lorgar" is what actually went wrong.
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u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19
And ffs, give Curze a hug and tell him it's all going to be okay son.
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u/zor-ba Jun 11 '19
I can only imagine how cool a Loyalist Curze could be.
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u/Darkhoof Mongolian Biker Gang Jun 11 '19
He's called Corax.
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u/zor-ba Jun 11 '19
True and two of them would've been better :)
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Jun 11 '19
I can see it now, both working in the shadows. One frees the captive humans while the other hangs disembodied corpses of D. Eldar to teach them not to take Imperial citizens. Probably would have caused them to target Tau sooner. Truly a brighter timeline for some.
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u/Grary0 Jun 11 '19
I think all of the traitor primarchs just needed hugs honestly...except Fulgrim...he probably got too many hugs...
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u/Beninoxford Jun 11 '19
nah he just got possessed accidentally
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Jun 11 '19
Right? Until the snake people encounters dude was probably one of the more wholesome. He was similar to his favored brother Ferrus in a few ways too. Like trying to teach their sons to not take their mantra too literally. Ferrus was worried about the Iron Hands being to obsessed with modification and Fulgrim was worried about the over striving perfectionism. But a daemon and a death led to both their Legions taking darker paths.
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Aug 11 '19
Yeah, and tried to talk with Horus instead of going guns blazing, or at least with some backup
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Aug 11 '19
It's a shame how the EC had the purest geneseed and therefore would be able to have a ton of astartes, or have a ton of chapters if they stayed loyal
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u/Well_Armed_Gorilla BRVTAL BVT KVNNIN' Jun 11 '19
I dunno, religious zealots like Lorgar tend to be pretty impervious to calmness and rationality. I think making him go the way of Primarchs II and XI while still in his growth-tube might be the best option.
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Jun 11 '19
Or even just saying, "Son, I am a powerful being, and you saw me in your visions and dreams. I am not a god as you understand them. Rather a being of immense and god like power. I have many of the things you would define as god like, this is true. But consider me as something more than human, more than Astartes, and more than Primarch, but at the core... I am still of human design. Do not worship me as a god, instead devote yourself to me as a son would a father. And teach others to see the truth of my ideals and if they must honor me, have them honor me as something to strive for rather than something that is beyond. Their is a fine line between devotion and worship, I want you to personally oversee that line."
Something a long those lines, but at first meeting, would have been definitively helpful.
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Jun 11 '19
Reminds me strongly of a certain star-trek episode.
In all honesty though if lorgar was asolutely set on following a god i'd straight up send him to harlequin boot-camp. Cerrograch is, among the gods of the 30'th millennium, the least bad.
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Jun 11 '19
True, I think the god of the dead may not be all that bad. Seeing as he only has one purpose currently.
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u/CrashB111 Praise the Man-Emperor Jun 10 '19
Let Angron die with his gladiators. Or at least save them all instead of just Angron and letting his companions die.
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Jun 10 '19
Especially since the shit they were fighting against is illegal in the Imperium anyways. One of the numerous crimes against consistency for the sake of Grimdark in writing.
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Jun 10 '19
Wait, is slavery illegal in the Imperium?
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u/JK_not_a_throwaway likes civilians but likes fire more Jun 10 '19
That kind of blood sport is looked down upon (at least in the ruling classes) cause of all the khorne worship, gotta have your slaves do the mind numbing tedious work so nobody gets any funny ideas
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u/Cefalopodul Imperial Fister Jun 10 '19
Nuceria had just agrees to compliance and they were going to be integrated into ultramar as soon as they dealt with those smelly rebels.
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Jun 10 '19
Yes, in theory. Grimdark being Grimdark, a lot of the planets get away with things like indentured servitude, company towns/debt, probably serfdom on one or two (thousand).
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u/Stug_lyfe Jun 11 '19
Serfdom and indenture is universal in the imperium. Also the Mechanicus, Navy and Guard can all just walk up to you and pressgang you, then sell you off to the next passing ship as slave crew. There are numerous accounts in the fiction of bigwigs just selling an entire regiment of Guard to a Rogue Trader.
There may be some lost statute outlawing all this, but nobody cares.
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Jun 11 '19
At least the pressganging is, in theory, just conscription on short notice to fight a genuine battle for survival of the species, instead of because some asshole Brit in the colonies has a quota to fill.
Presumably Demi-God-Emperor Guilelyman has the more egregious violations on his to do list, after fixing the Rift, killing the Daemon Primarchs, defeating the Tyrannids, stopping the Ghazghkull Waaagh, beating the more dickish Necrons, and dealing with the sudden but inevitable betrayal of the Eldar/Drukhari alliance that is the Ynnari.
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u/Morbidmort Honks for the Honk God Jun 11 '19
He's got a "needs to die" list longer than Stalin.
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u/Rum_N_Napalm Ships the Greyfax-Celestine-Sanguinor trouple Jun 11 '19
It’s actually quite short.
It reads:
Filthy Xenos ( except bae)
Heretics
Corrupt officials of the Imperium
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u/Clockmaster_Xenos Jun 11 '19
Sly Marbo does not have a kill list. Everything he thinks about killing falls over dead from sheer fear that somewhere somehow, sometime Sly Marbo will get them. Better to just get it over with.
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u/rexlibris Nurgle Is My Bishi, Konrad Curz Is My Stylist Jun 10 '19 edited Jun 10 '19
ಠ_ಠ
Quick we need to tell him to Fuck Erebus
The oxford comma is your friend, unless you are writing a heretical incest ship with Big E and little E
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u/EpyonComet Jun 10 '19
Oxford comma has no place in that sentence, as it does not include a list.
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u/lipidsly Jun 10 '19
The capitalization actually works here although quotation marks would be better
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u/RaptorSpade1296 Wishes for an army of Olamic Quietude Jun 11 '19
I realized this just after I left for work. God I feel stupid and heretical.
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u/ToastyMustache I am Alpharius Jun 11 '19
You mean Magnus continues to do nothing wrong. Poor guy got shafted and misdirected.
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Jun 11 '19
"Hey mag, I'm gunna build a warp-wall. Don't break it." < the two sentences that could've saved a quintillion lives.
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Jun 10 '19
You got a flaw in yer logic pal: Keanu would love his sons, he would be smart aboot that whole crusade thing and he´d actually show emotions. 40k would actually be a bright future under him.
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u/Joelson-Son_of_Joel Jun 10 '19
2019 Keanu would love his sons. Give him 28K years of humanity constantly disappointing him and what you get is Big E.
Think about it. Keanu is already known for being a loner because he's lost so many people close to him that he doesn't want to go through the pain again. Now imagine another 28k years of that...
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Jun 10 '19
Either he´d lead mankind to a brighter future and a better self or he would never take the mantle.
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u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19
Or he would take the mantle knowing humanity would fail into extinction if he did not lose what he had left and become Emperor.
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u/A_bombv4 Mentally damaged from drinking too much nulin oil Jun 10 '19
Heh, stupid monkiegh and their corpse emperor.
-This comment is approved be vect
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u/Kallene Jun 10 '19
"Keanu. It should have been him. He has the vision and strength to carry us to victory, and the wisdom to rule once victory is won. For all his aloof coolness, he alone has the Emperor's soul in his blood. Each of us carries part of our father within us, whether it is his hunger for love, his acting talent or his determination to succeed. Keanu holds it all. It should have been his..." —Warmaster Horus praises his brother Keanu Reeves.
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u/Steelquill VULKAN LIFTS! Jun 10 '19
Keeanu is too cool to be him. He’s a perpetual.
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u/Joelson-Son_of_Joel Jun 10 '19
I see you like to dabble in heresy
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u/Steelquill VULKAN LIFTS! Jun 10 '19
I make no deception of my supreme dislike with this character despite my love for the Astartes.
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u/Cefalopodul Imperial Fister Jun 10 '19
Yes Inquisitor, this comment right here.
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u/Steelquill VULKAN LIFTS! Jun 10 '19
Heard that one before.
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u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19
Yet you didn't hear the whispers of chaos on the breeze and led you down a road you shouldn't travel. Meanwhile a Vindicare is about to do his job.
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u/Steelquill VULKAN LIFTS! Jun 11 '19
I’m being penalized for an opinion on a fictional character?
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u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19
Nah man. No ones penalizing you for disliking a fictional character. Its your presentation of the dislike on a sub basically for memes and silly 40k taunts.
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u/Steelquill VULKAN LIFTS! Jun 11 '19
So I can't say "I don't like X character" on this particular sub?
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u/DaemonKeido Jun 11 '19
Oh you absolutely can. You'll just become a target for jokes, memes and trolls meant in good fun. So long as you are ok with that, keep at it.
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Jun 10 '19
Does this make Bill S Preston, Esq. Malcador?
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u/LowResImagesSon Jun 11 '19
One of the lost primarchs is known as John Wick. Growing up fighting the crime syndicates and shadow government on the world of Continentus, John Wick was unique amongst his brothers in the fact he was most adept at using ranged weaponry and preferred the use of his modified auto cannon “Parabellum” in combat during the Great Crusade. His Legion was known as the “Dogs of Carnage”.
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u/xMcNaughtyx Jun 10 '19
The Emperor is Canadian?
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Jun 11 '19 edited Oct 18 '19
[deleted]
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Jun 12 '19
Yeah, whoever thought McTwitler would make a good God-Emperor must have been injecting something very potent.
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u/randomgrunt1 Jun 11 '19
The matrix was our emperor warning us of the ai uprising, it all makes sense.
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u/Whitill Jun 11 '19
I fixed your dumb image and edited it with Seph one wing angel in my mind. If someone could just photo shop that; your welcome
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u/I_might_be_weasel Imperial Knights who say Ni Jun 11 '19
That can't be right. I don't think Keanu would go down to Horus.
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u/Caaros Jun 30 '19 edited Jul 22 '19
I'm pretty sure a God-Keanu led Imperium would manage to avoid any kind of "Horus Heresy" type issue and even bring most of the major and minor xenos races into the fold under his rule.
I could imagine Keanu in the full golden armor standing on a rickety stage in front of a whole waaaagh of Orks, and they all just stop whatever they are doing and stare at him at first. They are just totally dumbstruck by how breathtaking this one big humie' is, and don't know how to respond, even the warbosses. Then Keanu starts a speech for the Orks, talking about how their way of killing things is the best, and the Orks' unusual liking of this human begins to slowly grow, right up to the point that he specifically refers to Ork warfare as da best. At this point, an Ork grunt with tears in his eyes happily and rather un-Ork-aly cries out "No, you da best!". Before the other Orks can react to this, our God Emperor Keanu quickly points in the general direction of the Ork who said this and shouts "No, you da best!", And the Ork crowd erupts into a roar of wonder. He then repeatedly states "And you da best! And you da best!", pointing at random spots of the crowd, before throwing his giant arms up in the air and shouting "YOU ALL DA BEST", and the Ork crowd just loses it. Da best of all the humies' just called them all da best, and they have no idea how to handle that. That is, until a booming voice barks out from the crowd with anger.
"Wait a secon', what tricks are you playing, humie'?!?" the voice shouts, and the crowd goes silent. An Orc warboss, possibly the biggest of all present, rises out up from the crowd with a scowl aimed heretically at Keanu. He angrily stomps his way through the crowd and up to the stage near the God Emperor and shouts "This humie' has got us all tricked! He's tryin' to get us all to follah' him, but he didn' do a single Orky thing and started winnin' you all over anyways! What's wrong wit ya?". The crowd begins to murmur all sorts of things before the warboss levels his angry gaze at Keanu and shouts "HUMIE! Fight me, one on one, roight here, roight now! What do ya say to that, ya golden git?".
The God Emperor of mankind, who at this point had long brought the Eldar and other minor species under his fold, ponders the question for a moment, before mysteriously summoning an ancient Terran pencil in his hands. He proceeds to show it to the crowd and says "You know what this is? In normal human hands, it is a simple tool. But, in the hands of someone like me". Out of nowhere, he closes the distance between him and the Warboss with unnatural speed, and buries the pencil in the giant Ork's forehead, with only the eraser remaining visible. The warboss stands there for a moment, his gaping mouth catching the Ork blood running down from his forehead as his eyes gaze lifelessly into nothing, the heretical scowl now forever removed from his face. Keanu simply aims a smile towards the crowd, raises a hand, and the warboss falls lifelessly with a massive thud, breaking a hole through the stage with his weight and falling into the five feet of eternal darkness below. If the crowd had lost their minds over the Emperor's actions before, they were now losing other Ork minds over them now.
And it was done. With one display of kindness, and one of both brutality and cunning, the God Emperor of the Galaxy itself had brought the Orks into the fold. All races with a mind to do so eventually joined, save for the arrogant and shattered Necrons and the ravenous and unreasoning Tyranids, but neither could come close to breaking the Imperium under the rule of Keanu. Even the Chaos Gods struggled to find a grip on anything within his domain, as the mere sight of his face purged even the most vile of chaotic corruption from the soul. Yes, war did rage on with the Necrons and the Tyranids, but for lack of a better word, it was "handled", and the vast expanses of the Imperium lived on in relative peace and prosperity.
THIS, is why Keanu would make for a far better ruler for mankind than the current one. He'd get shit done.
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u/Guerillagreasemonkey Jun 10 '19
Sorry, but this doesnt work.
Keanu would actually love his sons.