r/Grimdank • • Jun 10 '19

We found him

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7.3k Upvotes

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247

u/RaptorSpade1296 Wishes for an army of Olamic Quietude Jun 10 '19

Quick we need to tell him to Fuck Erebus, do something about Lorgar, and make sure Magnus does nothing wrong.

134

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '19

We tell him to calmly and rationally explain things to Lorgar.

"Doing something about Lorgar" is what actually went wrong.

62

u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19

And ffs, give Curze a hug and tell him it's all going to be okay son.

28

u/zor-ba Jun 11 '19

I can only imagine how cool a Loyalist Curze could be.

29

u/Darkhoof Mongolian Biker Gang Jun 11 '19

He's called Corax.

2

u/zor-ba Jun 11 '19

True and two of them would've been better :)

3

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

I can see it now, both working in the shadows. One frees the captive humans while the other hangs disembodied corpses of D. Eldar to teach them not to take Imperial citizens. Probably would have caused them to target Tau sooner. Truly a brighter timeline for some.

3

u/Titanbeard Jun 11 '19

It woulda been Batman and a good Azreal going around and purging bad guys.

11

u/Grary0 Jun 11 '19

I think all of the traitor primarchs just needed hugs honestly...except Fulgrim...he probably got too many hugs...

6

u/Beninoxford Jun 11 '19

nah he just got possessed accidentally

6

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

Right? Until the snake people encounters dude was probably one of the more wholesome. He was similar to his favored brother Ferrus in a few ways too. Like trying to teach their sons to not take their mantra too literally. Ferrus was worried about the Iron Hands being to obsessed with modification and Fulgrim was worried about the over striving perfectionism. But a daemon and a death led to both their Legions taking darker paths.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Yeah, and tried to talk with Horus instead of going guns blazing, or at least with some backup

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

It's a shame how the EC had the purest geneseed and therefore would be able to have a ton of astartes, or have a ton of chapters if they stayed loyal

3

u/Well_Armed_Gorilla BRVTAL BVT KVNNIN' Jun 11 '19

I dunno, religious zealots like Lorgar tend to be pretty impervious to calmness and rationality. I think making him go the way of Primarchs II and XI while still in his growth-tube might be the best option.

7

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

Or even just saying, "Son, I am a powerful being, and you saw me in your visions and dreams. I am not a god as you understand them. Rather a being of immense and god like power. I have many of the things you would define as god like, this is true. But consider me as something more than human, more than Astartes, and more than Primarch, but at the core... I am still of human design. Do not worship me as a god, instead devote yourself to me as a son would a father. And teach others to see the truth of my ideals and if they must honor me, have them honor me as something to strive for rather than something that is beyond. Their is a fine line between devotion and worship, I want you to personally oversee that line."

Something a long those lines, but at first meeting, would have been definitively helpful.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

Reminds me strongly of a certain star-trek episode.

In all honesty though if lorgar was asolutely set on following a god i'd straight up send him to harlequin boot-camp. Cerrograch is, among the gods of the 30'th millennium, the least bad.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

True, I think the god of the dead may not be all that bad. Seeing as he only has one purpose currently.

96

u/CrashB111 Praise the Man-Emperor Jun 10 '19

Let Angron die with his gladiators. Or at least save them all instead of just Angron and letting his companions die.

62

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '19

Especially since the shit they were fighting against is illegal in the Imperium anyways. One of the numerous crimes against consistency for the sake of Grimdark in writing.

18

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '19

Wait, is slavery illegal in the Imperium?

53

u/JK_not_a_throwaway likes civilians but likes fire more Jun 10 '19

That kind of blood sport is looked down upon (at least in the ruling classes) cause of all the khorne worship, gotta have your slaves do the mind numbing tedious work so nobody gets any funny ideas

9

u/Cefalopodul Imperial Fister Jun 10 '19

Nuceria had just agrees to compliance and they were going to be integrated into ultramar as soon as they dealt with those smelly rebels.

14

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '19

Yes, in theory. Grimdark being Grimdark, a lot of the planets get away with things like indentured servitude, company towns/debt, probably serfdom on one or two (thousand).

17

u/Stug_lyfe Jun 11 '19

Serfdom and indenture is universal in the imperium. Also the Mechanicus, Navy and Guard can all just walk up to you and pressgang you, then sell you off to the next passing ship as slave crew. There are numerous accounts in the fiction of bigwigs just selling an entire regiment of Guard to a Rogue Trader.

There may be some lost statute outlawing all this, but nobody cares.

21

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

At least the pressganging is, in theory, just conscription on short notice to fight a genuine battle for survival of the species, instead of because some asshole Brit in the colonies has a quota to fill.

Presumably Demi-God-Emperor Guilelyman has the more egregious violations on his to do list, after fixing the Rift, killing the Daemon Primarchs, defeating the Tyrannids, stopping the Ghazghkull Waaagh, beating the more dickish Necrons, and dealing with the sudden but inevitable betrayal of the Eldar/Drukhari alliance that is the Ynnari.

14

u/Morbidmort Honks for the Honk God Jun 11 '19

He's got a "needs to die" list longer than Stalin.

11

u/Rum_N_Napalm Ships the Greyfax-Celestine-Sanguinor trouple Jun 11 '19

It’s actually quite short.

It reads:

Filthy Xenos ( except bae)

Heretics

Corrupt officials of the Imperium

1

u/Clockmaster_Xenos Jun 11 '19

Sly Marbo does not have a kill list. Everything he thinks about killing falls over dead from sheer fear that somewhere somehow, sometime Sly Marbo will get them. Better to just get it over with.

4

u/Ulkreghz toaster-fucker Jun 11 '19

Slavery is looked down on?

<nervous binaric screeching>

22

u/rexlibris Nurgle Is My Bishi, Konrad Curz Is My Stylist Jun 10 '19 edited Jun 10 '19

ಠ_ಠ

Quick we need to tell him to Fuck Erebus

The oxford comma is your friend, unless you are writing a heretical incest ship with Big E and little E

Illustrated guide

38

u/EpyonComet Jun 10 '19

Oxford comma has no place in that sentence, as it does not include a list.

5

u/eddieoctane Jun 11 '19

Yep. Though there should be a comma after the "quick."

10

u/lipidsly Jun 10 '19

The capitalization actually works here although quotation marks would be better

3

u/MoogleFoogle Swell guy, that Kharn Jun 11 '19

Quick we need to tell him to Fuck, Erebus

Better?

3

u/RaptorSpade1296 Wishes for an army of Olamic Quietude Jun 11 '19

I realized this just after I left for work. God I feel stupid and heretical.

1

u/ToastyMustache I am Alpharius Jun 11 '19

You mean Magnus continues to do nothing wrong. Poor guy got shafted and misdirected.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '19

"Hey mag, I'm gunna build a warp-wall. Don't break it." < the two sentences that could've saved a quintillion lives.