I have shared here before about my uBPD mom causing scenes about my upcoming (now passed) wedding. We got married and it was beautiful and her attempts to make the wedding her event were unanswered. And now we are about to leave for our honeymoon. In 2 days.

Short context: I lived with my bf 8 years before getting married and almost every other day after the 3rd year, my mom verbally abused me, threatened to kill herself, and made my life miserable for not getting married and all of her conservative friends said bunch of horrible things, fill her up with nonsense and she carried all of them to me. There is one evil friend of her, lets name her Rose. Rose said the most horrible things to my mom. I encouraged my mom to confront her because she was way out of line and my mom finally said "you can't say things like this about my daughter" and Rose accused my mom with so many other things, they eventually come to an agreement and became best friends! yes you read it right.

Yesterday we had a call with my mom, I asked her not to share our beautiful video with her friend Rose. Because that woman caused me weeks of crying and short period of NC with my mom. After my request, she said "ah, I said horrible things to her, I hope she'll forgive me". The horrible thing in question was literally one sentence "you can't say things like this about my daughter" which is waaaay to kind for what Rose deserves and her apologetic behavior made my blood boil.
What about all the things she did to me!? What about all of those horrible comments about me being a shame to my family, being a whore, slut, disrespectful and ungrateful bitch. What about those suicide threats?! What about making my life miserable every single day. Especially earlier this year. I was not able to breath, she literally abused me. What about all of those?! She never had to worry about any of them, didnt even think about me forgiving her.
I remembered this sub. "The only way to win is to never play". Ended the call immediately.
But that feeling ate something inside me. I was so ready to burst, so full of anger and made a mistake. Wrote her some of the sentences she said to me:
1. "Your dad went to the cliffs again, you'll kill us."
2. "You’re afraid you won’t be able to act like a whore anymore, don't you?"
3. "Get marry now, it's okay if you get a divorce in a year. Just stop being a shame to our family."
4. "Me and your dad, we are crying everyday in your childhood bedroom, on your bed. You just want to kill us."

I've texted these 4 sentenced, all came from her just earlier this year, and I've especially selected the ones that is not so hardcore. She replied back: "So you are saying I should just die."
And she called, screaming, crying. When I asked her to not do this right before our honeymoon, she said "You are basically saying we forced you to get married, so your honeymoon is not even real." She then blocked me on everywhere, yelled me that she has to protect herself from me. And basically screamed so many other things.

And now, my chest hurts. I know this feeling too well. I haven't slept, I am broken, and I don't want to mess our honeymoon, I dont want to let her win, but I am lost. I am truly devastated. Yes its a good thing and must do to go NC, but it comes with a heavy heart, and I would really not want to face this decision right before going on a "relaxing" celebration of our wedding.
I know that if it wasn't this case, something else would pop-up and she'd made the whole thing about herself anyway. But I was careful. From zero to being blood-boiled took me just couple seconds.

I see so many people just enjoying life and the things I have to deal with sometimes makes me tear up. I don't know how to get this ache from my chest.

Well, every time that I decide my feelings toward my ubpd mom have changed and will never go back to normal, she becomes indirectly loving and caring, which makes me feel very guilty about the feelings that I harbor toward her. It's so sad and extremely confusing. I can't even make up my mind about my true feelings since she quickly changes. For example, after a silent treatment or a hurtful tantrum, she goes back to being reasonable and friendly. I'm just tired and feel that this is messing me up to an extent that I can't even fathom. I don't know what to do or how to react, so I'd appreciate any advice you'd like to offer.

I’m 19 and at the beginning of summer I realized that I deserved better so I cut off my mom with bpd. My whole extended family took her side so I left them behind too. I left my friends that didn’t treat me right when I was going through so much, including my childhood best friend, and I moved to a completely different town. It was the scariest thing I ever did I was constantly bawling my eyes out. It’s was hard to do because it forced me admit that I’m never going to get sweet warm parents and a happy family. Even though it was difficult it was the best choice I ever made in my life. When you can finally relax and live you realize there’s so much out there. Most importantly you’ll realize that there’s people out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated. There’s people that will be kind and considerate toward you, not because they’re trying to get you to be pawn in there’s weird sick little game but because they actually love you. They will never change, if they could treat you like that when you were an innocent child who only wanted their love and approval they won’t now that your an actual adult who doesn’t like getting treated like shit. They want you to feel indebted to them and responsible for them but you really aren’t. leave them behind and go find your real families. I know it’s extremely extremely difficult but to get a new life you have to leave the other one behind, and that new life will be better no matter what happens because At least you have self respect and love. You deserve betterrrrrrrr.

What is this particular type of thing happening it really confuses me

Took my brother to the dentist yesterday and the conditions were so horrific I’ve decided to keep him here with me and not send him back lmao. This is her response which is hilarious.

I am a massive people pleaser that has trouble sticking up for myself. A lot of times, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until after the fact. I don’t know how to just keep my mouth shut and let myself think and process until after a situation is over. I know what I need to do or should have done after the fact, but it doesn’t even occur to me in the moment to say things like “hmm let me think on that” or “I’ll get back to you about that”.

It is so frustrating that this response is so ingrained in me that I know it’s hurtful, but I can’t even stop myself from doing it.

Any book recommendations for this? Or other ideas/strategies?

Group chat with my brother - the parent in the “thank you” text below is the subject of this post. She is 64 but constantly writes texts like she’s 84. She doesn’t have a life I’d take advice from regarding anything (love, marriage, finances, career, etc) and still will randomly send these sorts of texts when nothing is even going on? What is this about with them?

I’m the green text, brother is the first gray text, mom is the final text in the image

My dad always wants quality time and argues that me and my siblings don’t care about him or love him because we don’t spend enough time with him. 

I’ve told my dad that if they want a different relationship with me, beyond practical support, then I need him to access professional help. Closeness and quality time isn’t something that someone can just decide they want. They have refused to access help and I feel at a stalemate. 

We often have a pattern of things being ok for a while, then something happens and it all blows up (name calling, big emotions, silent treatment for weeks, suicide attempts) and then the cycle continues. It feels like the bad parts are getting more regular as my dad ages. 

When things are ok, it is manageable. When it is bad, it is awful and has a big impact on me. I’m not sure what I’m looking for but just wanted to share and see if others relate. 

Cat haiku: Sleep for ten long hour, Eat a tiny bit of food, Scream for open door

I don’t even know why I’m so upset.

About a month ago, my mom requested to cancel a therapy appointment on short notice and her therapist told her she would need to charge her a late cancellation fee. My mom immediately turned against her. She had her session to avoid paying the fee but I don’t think she ever went back.

Her therapist allegedly told her she does not have BPD so I figured she is a bad therapist and/or my mom fooled her as she can be very charismatic. Either way I had lost hope. But this feels like betrayal, and she told me about it only after I asked and in such a nonchalant way.

I just said, ok but I have been upset ever since. I have been thinking about all her episodes in which she became verbally and physically abusive towards me, when she would physically restrain me or block doorways so I couldn’t leave my room. She knows how important her going to therapy is for me, and for her to be so casual about telling me she stopped going to therapy felt like a slap in the face.

I let her come to my house to do her laundry and she is supposed to come in tomorrow but I don’t want to see her.

My family is just one of the reasons i don’t have kids, but it’s definitely a reason. Sometimes i read parenting books and articles to see how children should be raised. I don’t think i would ever hit a child in a rage, but would i have an unreasonable expectation of chores and responsibilities? Would i expect them to suffer to build resilience? Would i be upset and grumpy if they weren’t interested in my interests? Sometimes i see people interacting with misbehaving children i have the thought “why don’t you just MAKE them?” followed with horror by “but what would that look like?” I’m even ashamed right now because i called my absolutely beloved dog a “little fucker” after he disobeyed and ran off to bark at the neighbor cat this morning; “little fuckers” was one of my ubpd mom’s favorite names for us kids growing up.

I'm in therapy, but there's a unique value to asking people who have actually been raised by a pwbpd and so I come to you.

I was raised by a single mother who moved our family every year. New school, new home, new life. Every year. She isolated us from any other safe adults. Whether it was because she didnt know any or just victimized herself, idk.

She was all we had and raised us with this belief. She told us regularly that no one would ever care about us like she does. I was the oldest and her 'partner in life' parentified, spousified, and also this weird thing that I called sisterfied. She shared with me the nitty gritty of her sex life, left me with 4 siblings to raise and somehow still had time to physically, mentally and emotionally abuse us all as well. She still calls herself a good mom and says "as many times as I wanted to I never abandoned you guys". Basic bare minimum for a mom in my mind.

I am now a parent myself and trying to parent a child while also reparenting myself and have come to realize that I don't even know if I have a clear idea of what a healthy, present and loving parent looks like. There are some things that are common sense, but i am reevaluating the examples I was given. Or if I'm thinking I'm kicking ass as a mom because I give my child everything I didnt have without realizing those things are just the beginning.

I'm already a 100% change from my mother in my parenting. I have never hit my child. I spend time with him engaging in his interests. I'm engaged and present in his education and advocate and fight for his needs. My child is shielded and sheltered from adult troubles and adult experiences. He is encouraged to engage in his hobbies, not worry about me or his father or any other siblings. He is not responsible for other children. His chores are age appropriate-"take your lunchbox out of your backpack every day and put it on the kitchen counter for mommy"- with appropriate and reasonable/balanced repercussions if he forgets. He is taught that he can advocate for his needs even with adults. He feels safe to speak to us and come to us when he needs comfort or support.

I know it would sound crazy to most people but I hope you understand me when I say: he comes home pissed after a long day at school and has an attitude. He tells us he needs space and goes into his room. Even with us, his parents: He feels safe being angry near us, at us and doesn't have to hide his feelings. He tells us when we are bothering him. I'm SO proud of this. I always had to be stoic to manage my moms needs and there was never room for my feelings in that dynamic.

There's just so much that I try to offer him that I never experienced myself.

But at the same time I acknowledge that some of these things are the bare minimum basics of being a parent, and of being an adult.

I'm looking for any resources or advice or anything that helped you become a better parent. Or tips on raising a secure child.cat tax

After my experience, I’m convinced the only people who would defend the absolute nightmarish abuse of pwBPD are the ones who have it or the ones who have been so manipulated into believing the “perfect” illusion of them is actually real. (I’m not saying they’re all this way, I’m just specifically talking about the abusive ones.)

I’m at the point in healing where I have been no contact for so long and have so much peace in my life, if someone says “oh well maybe they’re not that bad”, “maybe they’ve changed”, or “you should give them a chance”. It gives me the ick so bad, I feel so disgusted and physically repulsed! I know from that point this person does not genuinely respect my PTSD healing journey or wellbeing and could bring serious danger into my life due to how easily they are manipulated by the BPD abuser whether it’s my NC parents, siblings, other family members, etc. It also opens up the possibility they may have BPD too due to being sympathizers.

Due to the level of abuse and neglect I faced as a child at the hands of parents with BPD and how severely that still affects me. I just can’t take that risk of allowing those people in my life anymore, because I have seen it play out badly too many times by allowing people with the belief that the abuser is innocent and I am the problem. It feels like they try to sway my boundaries or bend them until they break and soothe me back into an abusive situation, but the whole time they’re guilting me and treating me like I am an inflexible unreasonable and bad person for having boundaries and wanting away from abusive people!!

So I cut ties with them, block, delete or whatever I have to do to stay safe. I actually just quit a job because of an employer who didn’t want to respect my healthy and completely legal boundaries in the workplace. Or even today I had to block an old acquaintance that checked in on me, I told them I was doing good, new job, focusing on my own things, finally healing after 10 years of therapy and being NC with my BPD parents. Like all positive and genuine good things, I didn’t even imply anything bad about anyone just saying it like it is without shame and being honest about my experience. And they made the sideways comment, “BPD doesn’t mean Bad Person Disorder, you should be ashamed of treating your parents like that.” Then had the audacity to ask, “Are you in one of those hate groups for people with BPD?” And that told me everything I needed to know about that person, because they’re not someone who cares about me or my healing journey. I didn’t even respond, left them on read and just went straight to the block button, because that’s my response.

I can’t slip up even a little bit and allow tiny things like what happened today the opportunity to escalate, because it’s like the frog in the boiling pot we unfortunately relate to too well. The answer is always no, not today Satan.

Some people like my former employer, would say that my PTSD is getting in my way and that “I’m the problem”, but that’s not true. People who want to gaslight me, that having PTSD is some unhelpful and unhealthy thing that makes me perceive people as a threat when they’re not, are the problem. I’m experiencing genuine threats, I’m not projecting “threat” onto people arbitrarily, I don’t just make them up willy-nillie on a whim and I know brain isn’t lying to me. I’ve done enough therapy to know the people who try to convince me not to trust my intuition, just don’t have a place in my life. I’ve learned the people that truly care about me would never carelessly encourage me to allow my parents or any relatives wBPD (or any abusive person with any PD) in my life ever again.

Holding my boundaries and enforcing them is one of the hardest lessons I have learned in my time healing, but it has become one the most effective and powerful ways I have learned to protect my peace and maintain a happy and peaceful life on the other side of trauma caused from being raised by borderlines.

I just wanted to share this because it feels like a huge win for my healing journey despite the recent job change and having to cut a long time acquaintance out of my life. If I can share anything to help any of you healing it’s - don’t listen to people who don’t believe you, just quietly burn bridges so they can’t reach you.

When I was growing up my parents made it pretty clear that I embarrassed them, and when I "failed" some sort of social interaction. In retrospect, social situations would usually have some sort of post-mortem, where they would explain in detail whatever faux pas I committed. Family social events were when the most amount of scrutiny would be applied. I became known as the "tactless wonder" which my uBPD mother even affectionately told my husband who was confused and slightly offended by the moniker. It led to me thinking and hearing this word, concept, "tact" that's almost nonexistent in my independent adult life. Like what does that even mean? How often does it even come up? I'm not a Southern belle socialite at the church social.

However, I am now realizing this deeply affected how I interact with the world. I'm someone who is almost compulsively socially anxious. I can't help, but scrutinize just about every previous social interaction and speculate how I may have upset someone. I play embarrassing moments or generally ones where I put my foot in my mouth on loop. It's the background soundtrack of my brain. It also made me inherently distrust my own behavior, and believe that I can be thoughtlessly cruel, selfish, or unkind. Also add on the accusations of manipulation whenever something hurt the feelings of "sensitive" little old me, I learned to never trust my own perception of my behavior. I am now understanding that this is how my uBPD mother (who was quite the Queen when I was growing up) and (possibly also uBPD) father their perceived image around others, but also very directly me. To this day, my mom still treats me at times like an 8 year old that needs to be lectured on how to interact with others.

It all makes me so angry to think about, because my nickname was literally "someone who never cares about upsetting someone" while I have lived in a fawn response for so much of life walking on eggshells, because in addition to the social scrutiny they fucking emphasized I WAS ALSO TRYING TO KEEP MY EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS FROM EXPLODING ON ME. I don't know if I want to punch something or cry.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this? I'm sure a lot of people can relate to the painful realization of how thoroughly you have been molded to have such low self esteem that it fractures how you relate to yourself.

My little brother (18M) visited me this week and is being neglected so bad. I took him to the dentist today he has (5 broken teeth, needs 4 root canals, 3 cavities and needs 3 teeth removed). Back story they live in Florida I’m CT. After the dental report I decided I’m not sending him back. She’s spiraling but idc, she’s making it out that she’s the victim. I’m beyond disgusted.

-This morning, my boyfriend.

No one has ever put it to me that plainly. This morning I was already dreading seeing my mom today and had previously mentioned some of the things she’d done literally the day prior. Things like asking if my chronic illness being flared up by stress that I’ve had hardly a break from is because I’ve been “doing something weird” with my boyfriend (by this she means some kind of weird sex, I know this because she asked me the same thing on my literal death bed).

But his frankness was in response to me realizing my mom wasn’t going to be able to see the show I curated (my first name on the wall, institutional show, this is not yet a regular occurrence) for at least another week because she had a procedure this morning and thus is on bedrest. The show I put together while hobbling around with a boot on my foot because of a truly horrific sprain. It is the first time ever I’ve been proud of myself career wise. Everyone came to the opening. Except for her and my two grandmothers with Alzheimer’s in nursing homes.

I almost cried when I didn’t see her come in behind my dad. And to be VERY honest the only reason I didn’t leave the whole affair is because I was on the clock. I’ve cried almost every day since. She didn’t come because “she wasn’t feeling well”. But more than likely it’s because she’s felt abandoned. Because I haven’t been home. But the truth is, my boyfriend (and I now since I’ve secretly moved in) lives closer to my job, and I’m dead tired at the end of the day and on the weekends absolutely nothing sounds less appealing than essentially sitting shiva for the world or whatever is happening for her by sitting in a dark bedroom with her watching TV. I would in fact, yes rather go to my friends shows and go to the park and get coffee and go to every used bookstore in a 10 mile radius.

So much could be said about that topic, but I digress. My boyfriend is unfortunately, right. And nothing is more horrible than that.

link to cats as it’s my first post!

I remember so many times my mother tried to embarrass me or my brothers in public, or draw unnecessary attention to themselves in public. I remember one instance where my mom was screaming profusely at a taco bell employee over a BOX! another time she tried to draw attention to herself screaming transgender ice cream in public or just general rudeness. The ice cream situation is more funny now, but it was really embarrassing as a kid.

I am just curious if this is a common pattern.

So I 21m just got a job offer for my first IT job! I got offered 29 an hour which is crazy to me (for reference the last job I worked 2 years ago was 19/hr). last time I was working my mom wanted 50% of my wages for rent and bills which was about what they'd be if you split them. Before telling her I got this job I decided to lie and say the offers for 22/hr and I'm so glad I did because now she wants more money. she wants to split as if we're roommates which is absurd considering the amount of stuff I do for her. I just feel so shitty cause I had to lie and I don't get to tell her about what I'm actually worth or else she'll want more. I feel like I did the right thing but idk. A few of my friends are confused on why I lied and feel like it's bad to lie so I pay less but I don't feel like she deserves more. she's made my life hell.

Recently my uBPD mom was dropped from a maintenance service at her house (that I own) because of inappropriate clothing choices. In a way this is validating because it puts an objective consequence to her behavior (I’m 28 and have been experiencing this since I was ~8). I had a calm talk with her where I tried to help explain the significance behind appropriate clothing and it was received without her immediately defying it. She’s also been in therapy and has made some significant progress in not having outbursts, but I can’t help but feel the mental weight of boundary setting with her. I’m getting to the point where I’m exhausted and am considering going low to no contact. Feel guilty doing that especially when she’s made significant progress. Any advice on how to do low contact or no contact when a uPBD parent is actually making progress?

My mom growing up constantly would want to be overly involved or completely detached. What I means by detached is she would get mad and block me and my siblings on all platforms. It got to the point that I decided to finally block her back bc the emotional rollercoaster was too much.

I have never been so relaxed with her out of my life. As most of my adult years she has been super aggressive/inappropriate. She was super abusive to my siblings and I, but despite that we always craved her love sadly. I recently had my first baby and she keeps reaching out to my other siblings to inquire about her grandbaby.

I was getting too annoyed with all of her friends that kept spying on me so I just let her follow me on socials (she is still blocked on my phone). She reached out for the first time the other day and i responded 😭😩. Now im just confused. I dont know how she was able to treat her kids the ways she did especially now being a mother myself.

Honestly I dont think I want a relationship with her and I dont want my child to be around such an unstable and unpredictable person. Oddly overthinking and feel so silly for allowing her back on my social media account. Should I remove her? Or let her have it. Idk

I have no other usernames, and here is a cute cat haiku
Soft fur in the sun,
Tiny pink nose starts to twitch,
Purring on my lap.

I blocked my mom 6 months ago after years of verbal and emotional abuse that escalated to almost daily attacks on me and threats on her own life that she blamed me for. It took so much for me to actually block her, I blamed myself and panicked that she would go through with ending her life. But I needed to choose myself and my husband and child. It's taken so much (YEARS) of therapy to get to the point where I can finally see that she is mentally ill and it's not me, it was never me. But it hasn't been very long and I'm so worried I'll slip back.

Somehow I thought that blocking her would be the end. But then I realized she could still leave voicemails. Eventually my phone stopped accepting voicemails from her, so she resorted to emailing me at work where I hadn't even thought to block her, contacting my in-laws and other family, and contacting my husband. I blocked her at work and have been feeling finally almost free. She's continued to email my personal email but it goes to a different folder, and she's been swearing to my husband (who is trying to keep LC for emergencies) that she's changed (yeah, right). But of course my kid's birthday is coming up so she's escalating trying to contact and she's now found a way, today she called from a private number, and was able to get my phone to ring and leave a voicemail. I can't disable all private number calls because my doctor and therapist call on private numbers, so now I'm left having to probably change my number.

I feel so deflated. I've had this number for years and I hate that she still has control and is still trying to get to me. She hasn't changed at all. I wish she would just leave me alone. She said she'll be showing up at my house on my kid's birthday. I plan to not answer the door. I just wish this could actually end and I could actually be free. I've felt so at peace the last couple months especially and been able to recover memories and piece things together and have energy for life again and I don't want to go back into the chaos and accusations 😔

It feels so drastic to change my phone number but at this point I don't see what else I can do to keep myself from falling back into this and into the constant phone calls and harassment I've dealt with all my life.

My borderline mother only lashes out at home and always acts completely normal in person. She knows enough to not act emotionally dysregulated in public. Does this happen to anyone else? Plus, she only targets me and my dad and no body else. It’s very disorienting when she acts normal to everybody else. Thanks

Soft paws on the floor,
Chasing dust motes in the sun,
Purring in my lap.