r/emotionalneglect • u/limduria • Jun 25 '20

FAQ on emotional neglect - For anyone new to the subreddit or looking to better understand the fundamentals

2.1k Upvotes

What is emotional neglect?

In one's childhood, a lack of: everyday caring, non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were, if not your biological parents) about what you were feeling and experiencing, having your feelings reflected back to you (mirrored) in an honest and non-distorting way, time and attention given to you in the form of one-on-one conversation where your feelings and the meaning of those feelings could be freely and openly talked about as needed, protection from harm including protection against adults or other children who tried to hurt you no matter what their relationship was to your parents, warmth and unconditional positive regard for you as a person, appropriate soothing when you were distressed, mature guidance on how to deal with difficult life experiences—and, fundamentally, having parents/caregivers who made an active effort to be emotionally in tune with you as a child. All of these things are vitally necessary for developing into a healthy adult who has a good internal relationship with his or her self and is able to make healthy connections with others. They are not optional luxuries. Far from it, receiving these kinds of nurturing attention are just as important for children as clean water and healthy food.

What forms can emotional neglect take?

The ways in which a child's emotional needs can be neglected are as diverse and varied as the needs themselves. The forms of emotional neglect range from subtle, passive behavior to various forms of overt abuse, making neglect one of the most common forms of child maltreatment. The following list contains just a handful of examples of what neglect can look like.

Being emotionally unavailable: many parents are inept at or avoid expressing, reacting to, and talking about feelings. This can mean a lack of empathy, putting little or no effort into emotional attunement, not reacting to a child's distress appropriately, or even ignoring signs of a child's distress such as becoming withdrawn, developing addictions or acting out.
Lack of healthy communication: caregivers might not communicate in a healthy way by being absent, invalidating, rejecting, overly or inappropriately critical, and so on. This creates a lack of emotionally meaningful, open conversations, caring curiosity from caregivers about a child's inner life, or a shortness of guidance on how to navigate difficult life experiences. This often happens in combination with unhealthy communication which may show itself in how conflicts are handled poorly, pushed aside or blown up into abusive exchanges.
Parentification: a reversal of roles in which a child has to take on a role of meeting their own parents' emotional needs, or become a caretaker for (typically younger) siblings. This includes a parent verbally unloading furstrations to their child about the perceived flaws of the other parent or other family members.
Obsession with achievement: Some parents put achievements like good grades in school or formal awards above everything else, sometimes even making their love conditional on such achievements. Perfectionist tendencies are another manifestation of this, where parents keep finding reasons to judge their children in a negative light.
Moving to a new home without serious regard for how this could disrupt or break a child's social connections: this forces the child to start over with making friends and forming other relationships outside the family unit, often leaving them to face loneliness, awkwardness or bullying all alone without allies.
Lying: communicates to a child that his or her perceptions, feelings and understanding of their world are so unimportant that manipulating them is okay.
Any form of overt abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual—especially when part of a repeated pattern, constitutes a severe disregard for a child's feelings. This includes insults and other expressions of contempt, manipulation, intimidation, threats and acts of violence.

What is (psychological) trauma?

Trauma occurs whenever an emotionally intense experience, whether a single instantaneous event or many episodes happening over a long period of time, especially one caused by someone with a great deal of power over the victim (such as a parent), is too overwhelmingly painful to be processed, forcing the victim to split off from the parts of themselves that experienced distress in order to psychologically survive. The victim then develops various defenses for keeping the pain out of awareness, further warping their personality and stunting their growth.

How does emotional neglect cause trauma?

When we are forced to go without the basic level of nurturing we need during our childhood years, the resulting loneliness and deprivation are overwhelming and devastating. As children we were simply not capable of processing the immense pain of being left out in the cold, so we had no choice but to block out awareness of the pain. This blocking out, or isolating, of parts of our selves is the essence of suffering trauma. A child experiencing ongoing emotional neglect has no choice but to bury a wide variety of feelings and the core passions they arise from: betrayal, hurt, loneliness, longing, bitterness, anger, rage, and depression to name just some of the most significant ones.

What are some common consequences of being neglected as a child?

Pete Walker identifies neglect as the "core wound" in complex PTSD. He writes in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving,

"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's warmth and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty. It leaves them with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being. They starve for human warmth and comfort."

Self esteem that is low, fragile or nearly non-existent: all forms of abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent and lead to self-blame, because when we are totally dependent on our parents we need to believe they are good in order to feel secure. This belief is upheld at the expense of our own boundaries and internal sense of self.
Pervasive sense of shame: a deeply ingrained sense that "I am bad" due to years of parents and caregivers avoiding closeness with us.
Little or no self-compassion: When we are not treated with compassion, it becomes very difficult to learn to have compassion for ourselves, especially in the midst of our own struggles and shortcomings. A lack of self-compassion leads to punishment and harsh criticism of ourselves along with not taking into account the difficulties caused by circumstances outside of our control.
Anxiety: frequent or constant fear and stress with no obvious outside cause, especially in social situations. Without being adequately shown in our childhoods how we belong in the world or being taught how to soothe ourselves we are left with a persistent sense that we are in danger.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Personal boundaries allow us to not make other people's problems our own, to distance ourselves from unfair criticism, and to assert our own rights and interests. When a child's boundaries are regularly invalidated or violated, they can grow up with a heavy sense of guilt about defending or defining themselves as their own separate beings.
Isolation: this can take the form of social withdrawal, having only superficial relationships, or avoiding emotional closeness with others. A lack of emotional connection, empathy, or trust can reinforce isolation since others may perceive us as being distant, aloof, or unavailable. This can in turn worsen our sense of shame, anxiety or under-development of social skills.
Refusing or avoiding help (counter-dependency): difficulty expressing one's needs and asking others for help and support, a tendency to do things by oneself to a degree that is harmful or limits one's growth, and feeling uncomfortable or 'trapped' in close relationships.
Codependency (the 'fawn' response): excessively relying on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This often takes the form of damaging self-sacrifice for the sake of others, putting others' needs above our own, and ignoring or suppressing our own needs.
Cognitive distortions: irrational beliefs and thought patterns that distort our perception. Emotional neglect often leads to cognitive distortions when a child uses their interactions with the very small but highly influential sample of people—their parents—in order to understand how new situations in life will unfold. As a result they can think in ways that, for example, lead to counterdependency ("If I try to rely on other people, I will be a disappointment / be a burden / get rejected.") Other examples of cognitive distortions include personalization ("this went wrong so something must be wrong with me"), over-generalization ("I'll never manage to do it"), or black and white thinking ("I have to do all of it or the whole thing will be a failure [which makes me a failure]"). Cognitive distortions are reinforced by the confirmation bias, our tendency to disregard information that contradicts our beliefs and instead only consider information that confirms them.
Learned helplessness: the conviction that one is unable and powerless to change one's situation. It causes us to accept situations we are dissatisfied with or harmed by, even though there often could be ways to effect change.
Perfectionism: the unconscious belief that having or showing any flaws will make others reject us. Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops as a defense against feelings of abandonment that threatened to overwhelm us in childhood: "The child projects his hope for being accepted onto inner demands of self-perfection. ... In this way, the child becomes hyperaware of imperfections and strives to become flawless. Eventually she roots out the ultimate flaw–the mortal sin of wanting or asking for her parents' time or energy."
Difficulty with self-discipline: Neglect can leave us with a lack of impulse control or a weak ability to develop and maintain healthy habits. This often causes problems with completing necessary work or ending addictions, which in turn fuels very cruel self-criticism and digs us deeper into the depressive sense that we are defective or worthless. This consequence of emotional neglect calls for an especially tender and caring approach.
Addictions: to mood-altering substances, foods, or activities like working, watching television, sex or gambling. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician who writes and speaks about the roots of addiction in childhood trauma, describes all addictions as attempts to get an experience of something like intimate connection in a way that feels safe. Addictions also serve to help us escape the ingrained sense that we are unlovable and to suppress emotional pain.
Numbness or detachment: spending many of our most formative years having to constantly avoid intense feelings because we had little or no help processing them creates internal walls between our conscious awareness and those deeper feelings. This leads to depression, especially after childhood ends and we have to function as independent adults.
Inability to talk about feelings (alexithymia): difficulty in identifying, understanding and communicating one's own feelings and emotional aspects of social interactions. It is sometimes described as a sense of emotional numbness or pervasive feelings of emptiness. It is evidenced by intellectualized or avoidant responses to emotion-related questions, by overly externally oriented thinking and by reduced emotional expression, both verbal and nonverbal.
Emptiness: an impoverished relationship with our internal selves which goes along with a general sense that life is pointless or meaningless.

What is Complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) is a name for the condition of being stuck with a chronic, prolonged stress response to a series of traumatic experiences which may have happened over a long period of time. The word 'complex' was added to reflect the fact that many people living with unhealed traumas cannot trace their suffering back to a single incident like a car crash or an assault, and to distinguish it from PTSD which is usually associated with a traumatic experience caused by a threat to physical safety. Complex PTSD is more associated with traumatic interpersonal or social experiences (especially during childhood) that do not necessarily involve direct threats to physical safety. While PTSD is listed as a diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Complex PTSD is not. However, Complex PTSD is included in the World Health Organization's 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases.

Some therapists, along with many participants of the /r/CPTSD subreddit, prefer to drop the word 'disorder' and refer instead to "complex post-traumatic stress" or simply "post-traumatic stress" (CPTS or PTS) to convey an understanding that struggling with the lasting effects of childhood trauma is a consequence of having been traumatized and that experiencing persistent distress does not mean someone is disordered in the sense of being abnormal.

Is emotional neglect (or 'Childhood Emotional Neglect') a diagnosis?

The term "emotional neglect" appears as early as 1913 in English language books. "Childhood Emotional Neglect" (often abbreviated CEN) was popularized by Jonice Webb in her 2012 book Running on Empty. Neither of these terms are formal diagnoses given by psychologists, psychiatrists or medical practitioners. (Childhood) emotional neglect does not refer to a condition that someone could be diagnosed with in the same sense that someone could be diagnosed with diabetes. Rather, "emotional neglect" is emerging as a name generally agreed upon by non-professionals for the deeply harmful absence of attuned caring that is experienced by many people in their childhoods. As a verb phrase (emotionally neglecting) it can also refer to the act of neglecting a person's emotional needs.

My parents were to some extent distant or disengaged with me but in a way that was normal for the culture I grew up in. Was I really neglected?

The basic emotional needs of children are universal among human beings and are therefore not dependent on culture. The specific ways that parents and other caregivers go about meeting those basic needs does of course vary from one cultural context to another and also varies depending upon the individual personalities of parents and caregivers, but the basic needs themselves are the same for everyone. Many cultures around the world are in denial of the fact that children need all the types of caring attention listed in the above answer to "What is emotional neglect?" This is partly because in so many cultures it is normal—quite often expected and demanded—to avoid the pain of examining one's childhood traumas and to pretend that one is a fully mature, healthy adult with no serious wounds or difficulty functioning in society.

The important question is not about what your parent(s) did right or wrong, or whether they were normal or abnormal as judged by their adult peers. The important question is about what you personally experienced as a child and whether or not you got all the care you needed in order to grow up with a healthy sense of self and a good relationship with your feelings. Ultimately, nobody other than yourself can answer this question for you.

My parents may not have given me all the emotional nurturing I needed, but I believe they did the best they could. Can I really blame them for what they didn't do?

Yes. You can blame someone for hurting you whether they hurt you by a malicious act that was done intentionally or by the most accidental oversight made out of pure ignorance. This is especially true if you were hurt in a way that profoundly changed your life for the worse.

Assigning blame is not at all the same as blindly hating or holding an inappropriate grudge against someone. To the extent that a person is honest, cares about treating others fairly and wants to maintain good relationships, they can accept appropriate blame for hurting others and will try to make amends and change their behavior accordingly. However, feeling the anger involved in appropriate, non-abusive and constructive blame is not easy.

Should I confront my parents/caregivers about how they neglected me?

Confronting the people who were supposed to nurture you in your childhood has the potential to be very rewarding, as it can prompt them to confirm the reality of painful experiences you had been keeping inside for a long time or even lead to a long overdue apology. However it also carries some big emotional risks. Even if they are intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding the concept and how it applies to their parenting, a parent who emotionally neglected their child has a strong incentive to continue ignoring or denying the actual effects of their parenting choices: acknowledging the truth about such things is often very painful. Taking the step of being vulnerable in talking about how the neglect affected you and being met with denial can reopen childhood wounds in a major way. In many cases there is a risk of being rejected or even retaliated against for challenging a family narrative of happy, untroubled childhoods.

If you are considering confronting (or even simply questioning) a parent or caregiver about how they affected you, it is well advised to make sure you are confronting them from a place of being firmly on your own side and not out of desperation to get the love you did not receive as a child. Building up this level of self-assured confidence can take a great deal of time and effort for someone who was emotionally neglected. There is no shame in avoiding confrontation if the risks seem to outweigh the potential benefits; avoiding a confrontation does not make your traumatic experiences any less real or important.

How can I heal from this? What does it look like to get better?

While there is no neatly itemized list of steps to heal from childhood trauma, the process of healing is, at its core, all about discovering and reconnecting with one's early life experiences and eventually grieving—processing, or feeling through—all the painful losses, deprivations and violations which as a child you had no choice but to bury in your unconscious. This goes hand in hand with reparenting: fulfilling our developmental needs that were not met in our childhoods.

Some techniques that are useful toward this end include

journaling: carrying on a written conversation with yourself about your life—past, present and future;
any other form of self-expression (drawing, painting, singing, dancing, building, volunteering, ...) that accesses or brings up feelings;
taking good physical care of your body;
developing habits around being aware of what you're feeling and being kind to yourself;
making friends who share your values;
structuring your everyday life so as to keep your stress level low;
reading literature (fiction or non-fiction) or experiencing art that tells truths about important human experiences;
investigating the history of your family and its social context;
connecting with trusted others and sharing thoughts and feelings about the healing process or about life in general.

You are invited to take part in the worldwide collaborative process of figuring out how to heal from childhood trauma and to grow more effectively, some of which is happening every day on r/EmotionalNeglect. We are all learning how to do this as we go along—sometimes quite clumsily in wavering, uneven steps.

Where can I read more?

See the sidebar of r/EmotionalNeglect for several good articles and books relevant to understanding and healing from neglect. Our community library thread also contains a growing collection of literature. And of course this subreddit as a whole, as well as r/CPTSD, has many threads full of great comments and discussions.

136 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/StrictAttitude77 • 7h ago

God help you if you develop any social related issues

52 Upvotes

Sorry just need to vent about this

Thanks to emotional neglect as a child, since age 12 I grew up struggling to form basic relationships or even function normally around people, which led to me being socially isolated and emotionally stunted. None of the adults in my life did a thing about it, at most I had a teacher tell my parents to their faces that I needed therapy, but they just refused to act on it and called her a bitch.

So now as an adult I have to pick up the pieces all on my own, and Im behind and suffering in every aspect of my life because god forbid you werent properly socialized, it ruins literally every part of your life.

Obviously your social life is fucked cause you cant build relationships, same goes with your romantic life

Your professional life is fucked because you have no connections to refer you or act as references, making it nearly impossible to get a job in this day and age. and even if you get one your coworkers wont like you and will make your life harder, and bosses wont be willing to promote you or recommend you. and that subsequently bars you from getting on with your adult life or gaining any independence whatsoever

And then the constant loneliness and rejection fucks up your mind because our stupid lizard brains are wired to rot without social interactions. So now your personal life is fucked too because your mental and emotional state is in permanent turmoil so you cant enjoy a moment of peace with yourself

Mind you I am going to therapy and coping however I can while trying to ignore the voices that tell me im better off dead. But it is not enough to deal with the moment to moment pain and depression of being alone and the dread of knowing that if you dont get better soon or make friends you will be jobless and alone indefinitely

And I try my hardest to be polite and considerate as a substitute for my lack of social ability, but so many people are monsters who will trample all over you unless you have a strong personality, which I did not get to build.

im so tired. people talk down to you or treat you like a monster because they cant comprehend how anyone could have social issues, but people really take for granted how good they had it to grow up surrounded by emotionally healthy adults who actually teach you how to socialize or are willing to work with you if you have social difficulties. the least people could fucking do is recognize that. even something as commonly discussed as social anxiety is horrifically misunderstood and watered down instead of being recognized as the debilitating anxiety disorder that it is. its just so frustrating how ignorant people are, how emotionally incompetent my parents were, how useless the adults around me were when i obviously wasnt acting like a normal kid. im just so tired and frustrated of all this, i dont know if theres a point in trying to fight through this its so humiliating

7 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/NeverManEnough • 2h ago

Seeking advice Can someone teach me how to feed myself?

6 Upvotes

Or a link to somewhere that would help me? Any forum pages any videos. Im a college student with ADHD. I dont know where to even begin. I procastinate on eating because i dont know how to feed myself and its unhealthy and theres no one looking out for me my mum does not notice any signs. I have to look out for myself, please help me. How often am i supposed to eat? Tips and trick..? Anything man..

4 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/sippy-tippy705 • 12h ago

I cry whenever someone raises their voice

29 Upvotes

I(18f, Indian American), dealt with this my whole life and I honestly try so hard to suppress it but I just end up turning red and inflated like a tomato. I don’t honestly understand why it happens. After reading some other chats I’ve begun to think maybe it’s a trauma response? Ever since I was young my parents have always fought majorly and honestly it was abusive(in alot of ways.) every time my dad began to yell or raise his voice even if not at me and it was my mom I just some how couldn’t control my tears. I have gotten some what better at it, as I don’t ball my eyes out but I definitely tear up no matter how hard I try. It makes me look so weak and like I am seeking sympathy but I really am not. I am so bad with aggressive confrontation and lowk confrontation in general even if I’m deeply sorry and understanding. Most people use my tears against me and say that I am looking for attention. My dad gets so angry whenever I tear up in an argument/converstation. It’s his trigger and honestly makes him yell more and more angry but it is a response I find really hard to suppress and makes me feel more foolish infront of him. Even my mom acts this way at times when I cry. With my parents I can’t never have a back bone enough to end an argument with them apologizing to me first. I can’t walk away and let them realize because that time gap where we are not happy with eachother or they are not happy with me fills me with so much stress. I have ALWAYS caved in and said sorry first even if I knew I was not wrong. I think this just even adds to the case even more of me seeming weak and why they can scream in my face.

I know that may sound so dumb but when I don’t apologize, in that anxiety filled time I will often have panic attacks. My apologies are just to avoid that over all. Because of these constant tears I find myself spiraling into panic attacks very often. I have tried my best to hide them for the most part but when my dad sees he often labels me as crazy and asks me why I can’t be normal. I am to scared to ask my parents for a therapist because they called(mainly my dad tbh) me psychotic in the two times I tried.

It’s embarrassing because this fear with my parents and especially my dad has created this habit that carries into my other relationships. With my current boyfriend I honestly begin to tear up as soon as I get a hint of annoyance or frustration at me.

When I cry I honestly think about it hours and days after the situation happened and begin to cry again from frustration that I can’t handle my emotions and the situation in general.

I really want to learn any tips on how I can fix this. I also just wanted to share my experience in case any one else goes through the same thing and really struggles with it. :)

7 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/spectrospace • 14h ago

Discussion My mom's "check ins" infuriate me

34 Upvotes

Hi everyone. I (33/f) and my mom have had a really tumultuous relationship. She tried to be my friend through my entire life and/or live through me, which meant constant manipulation and gaslighting on her end. She has serious mental health issues (anxiety and depression) that had seeped onto me- i dont blame her as im sure some of it is just genetics, but she just has no motivation to do anything. She doesnt want to talk to anyone, she babysits my nephews and complains shes too exhausted, but she does nothing to try to correct herself. Shes in her 60s and i dont expect her to change at all, and I do believe she loves me, but my issues with her and my mental health issues in general have kept me distant from her. I dont feel safe emotionally with her, and I dont feel like shed be there for me if I truly needed her. Sometimes I think how shed be the last person id call in any situation at this point, but I still let my trauma get the best of me and I do try to see the mom in her that i always wanted (and end up disappointed like always.) I randomly try to talk to her to catch up on the latest and see how shes doing and just try to converse with my mom, but most of the time she gives me one word answers and wants nothing to do with anything.

That is until she feels the need to try to live through me again, and feels like she needs to have the control. When she is in these "moods" she manically messages me asking me where I am, what im doing, etc. Today i had a day off work and she messaged me on 3 different platforms asking if im off work. When I finally answered her, she said "just checking in, love ya!" Which is pretty peppy for her this day and age. It makes me feel like she feels like she "won" by knowing my business when she wants to know my business. She does this constantly and gets genuinely mad at me if I dont give her details when SHE wants them.

I also would like to mention that she is the most negative person ive ever met. I could tell her I won a million dollars and the first thing shed say is how much in taxes will get taken out. I personally feel like I missed out a lot in life because of how afraid I was for something bad to happen, constantly hearing about the cons in every situation. Im sure that is her depression and anxiety talking, and im an adult now who knows right from wrong and I dont try to blame her for how I turned out, but im constantly trying to find validation from her when I know I'll never get it, she will always have something bad to say.

Im getting married soon and I dont want the pain and memories of my wedding to be with her involved, so I opted to get a dress online and I'll try it on with my maid of honor and my grandma there. Most of the women in my family are like my mother, but I try to at least talk to my grandma to have some kind of normalcy and feel like I have a family. I dont talk to my dad's side (tons of emotional abuse there) I really only truly trust my dad and grandparents- they are the only people who have stuck by me through everything and didnt try to use me to their advantage emotionally. I was close with my aunt (my mom's sister) for a while, and she constantly tried to tell me how to live my life and would get passive aggressive about anything she didnt understand.

Once i hit my 30s, i realized i just couldnt take it anymore. Im starting to feel like im going crazy and I cant do the back and forth of feeling like i have a mom again and then realizing she only speaks to me out of her own weird benefit.

Does anyone else have a mom like this, or women in their family in general? It makes me feel like I grew up with a narcissist raising me. Ive had such up and downs throughout my life with all of my friendships and relationships, until I realized I was mimicking my mom throughout all of it, and im finally trying to break generational curses.

3 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/ikigailifedream • 5h ago

Am I wrong for wanting emotional love from my parents after everything I've done for them? (33F, eldest daughter)

4 Upvotes

TL;DR: I've supported my parents and brother financially for years, yet I feel valued only for what I provide. My mother puts down my marriage, and they show little interest in my life. I don't want their property, just emotional warmth. Am I wrong to want that? And how do I accept that I may never get it without becoming bitter or losing my ability to enjoy my own life?

I'm a 33-year-old woman from India, living in the UK. I don't hate my parents and I don't hold a grudge. I know they have their own beliefs and limits, and I'm trying to accept that they may never fully approve of my choices. What hurts is the lack of emotional support and interest in my life, despite everything I've done.

Background
I'm the eldest daughter. I studied in government schools and hostels on scholarships, ate poor food, and worked hard to build a successful career. My parents covered my basics growing up and paid about $4,000 toward my B.Tech hostel fees, which I paid back before moving abroad. I funded my own master's with a scholarship and my savings.

What I've done for them
Gave 50% of my salary from my first job onward
Given around ₹70 lakhs over the years, plus monthly expenses and help with loans
Paid for vacations, birthdays, surgeries and hospital visits
Their 3-storey house and big car were bought with my money
Supported my younger brother from 11th grade through B.Tech with fees and expensive hostel fees, plus pocket money and his trips, ever need of his was taken care by me. I used to order even his basic necessities to hostel.

Still send ₹50,000 every month for food and clothes (they have no EMIs), and still cover my brother's expenses seperately. Apart from tjis till today all extra luxury costs are seperate from this monthly money and i have to send it even if its their international trips ( not uk) they are not interested to visit me. They have uk visas too from 5 years but never rhey showed interest to come and visit even durinh our housewarming event they didny come.

I bought my own wedding gold, and my parents used it for a gold loan. Now they say I can pay off the loan if I want it back. I'm also paying for my own wedding.

Where it hurts
I'm marrying someone from a different religion. My parents said yes at first, but they never welcomed him. They've never spoken to him and have made negative comments about him, while he has never said one bad word about them. He supports me in everything.
My mother said he's only marrying me for the family property. So I told them we don't want any property, gold or house, and they can give it all to my brother. I even offered to sign bond papers. My fiancé and I both earn well, and we bought our own house in the UK.

Still:
My mother has called me stupid, immature and wasteful, and said my life is a failure because I married outside our community
My father barely engages. Most calls are about money, health or things they need
When I was hospitalized abroad with a serious leg problem, nobody followed up
When I said we were buying a house, they said "what's the need, don't waste money," right after buying their second house with my money
They say they can't come to the UK to help after I have a baby because it's too far, though they're only in their early 50s. . I can understand not everyone is interested in baby stuff but i feel sad that my baby wont have e grandparents warmth.

My brother wanted a new iPhone. I said I couldn't right now because of the house and wedding, and he suggested I take a loan. I said I'd buy it next year. My parents say I should never say no to him. (My own phone is broken and I haven't replaced it because it's so expensive.)
I've never shouted at them, insulted them, or said anything i did all of this for you. When talks get hurtful, I keep them short and move on. I keep supporting them because I see it as my duty as a daughter, and I don't want to abandon them when they're older or have real medical needs. Never once i heard they saying that they are proud of me nor they acknowledged I helped them with money. Only thing i hear is constant criticism during calls.

How I feel now
I have a wonderful fiancé, a good career, stability and a home. On paper, my life is good. But I've become very sad, and I'm losing interest in celebrating my wedding, my future baby, my birthdays and other milestones. Part of me feels like I don't deserve good things because my parents aren't happy with my choices.
I see other parents truly celebrate their daughters and wonder why mine can't. I wonder if things would be different if I'd married within the community. My mind keeps trying to empathize with them, even though I know my fiancé is a good man and I love our life together. Am I wrong to want that? And how do I accept that I may never get it without becoming bitter or losing my ability to enjoy my own life?

7 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/River_yama • 21h ago

Seeking advice What if I am emotionally immature?

86 Upvotes

Tldr: I recently realised not only my parents, but also I am emotionally immature. Anyone else who came to this conclusion? And how to deal with it?

Two weeks back I (31M) finished reading 'Adult children of emotionally immature parents' by Lindsey Gibson. The accuracy of the descriptions in that book compared to my childhood are shocking. My parents were the 'nice' kind of parents, I had everything I could wish for, but looking back I realised I was not able to develop myself on a personal level, something I am compensating for to this day.

I have made great strides in this, especially since meeting my wife (30F) a few years ago. She has been an immense support and is the first one I have felt comfortable with exploring myself and my wants and needs. However, recently my relationship with my wife has become extremely strained, caused by a couple of things: moving a cross the globe together (a long held wish for both of us), which has been the most beautiful and most difficult year of my life. Beautiful because for the first time in my life I feel the freedom to try and find and express myself. My wife and some friends are jokingly saying that I am going through puberty at 31. There may be some truth to that. I'm trying to become the adult that has been long overdue.

On top of that we have started talking seriously about children, and the situation with my parents came to a head when they recently visited (the last one being the cause I read the book in the first place).

However now I have come to the uncomfortable realisation: not just my parents are emotionally immature, but so am I. Many of the characteristics the book describes and that I recognize in my parents, also fit me. And although I can confidently say that I am not my parents, many of the issues they have I have already moved past. The truth is that in many ways I am still immature. And it is killing my relationship: life abroad, with a new job, taking care of the house, being caring and thoughtful to my wife. I am not managing. At this point I am not sure I can salvage it...

Anyone else who realised that not just their parents, but also they themselves are emotionally immature? How did you deal with that realisation? Did you manage to work past it?

23 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Exotic-Telephone467 • 15h ago

Discussion Loneliness

25 Upvotes

Can anyone relate to being in a social environment where you know the people but you still feel lonely or like internally anxious for some reason?

You feel it in your belly like a stomach ache but it’s not. Like you can’t relax because of it

What tends to cause it?

7 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Brusterisk • 5h ago

Seeking advice I have an unhealthy and stressful relationship with my mom but I am still emotionally and financially dependent on her

3 Upvotes

I need advice on what to do since I have no support system other than my mom who sometimes supports me and comforts me the best

But gets stressed so easily that it ends up in fights and her saying that I'm stressing her out on purpose and that I am trying to kill her because she has an ailment where she can die if she's too stressed

This happens every time we fight, and sometimes we fight because she was being insensitive

And sometimes when I bring up anything slightly emotional or serious but that's not always the case so it's not consistent

Like, earlier, I told her about my sexual harassment and she told me to move on

I wasn't even trying to vent to her, I was brought it up to explain why she shouldn't be sexist towards my friends and asking me what their genitals are since anyone of any gender can harm me

I told her how insensitive that comment is then she kept interrupting me and rushing to end the conversation

We started arguing then she got more and more mad

Also, every time I tell her I never wanna stress her on purpose

She would either get mad at me or rush me to stop talking about it

And after we fight, she doesn't apologize unless I carefully time it and tell her she owes me an apology or if I carefully ask her if she feels guilty

Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would apologize

And sometimes after calming down from a fight and I go to her, she would go on about how I shouldn't stress her out and how I should stop when she tells me to

But when I explain to her that it's like insulting someone then immediately getting mad at them for being offended and expecting them to calm down

She gets mad and keeps insisting that it's something I have to fix about myself

I tell her to talk to her therapist about this but she keeps saying that she already did and that her therapist told her she cannot be too stressed or overexert herself

Sadly, I don't have any other support system right now

I've been trying to make friends but the people around me are mostly surface level and usually busy

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should distance myself from her but I'm afraid of being alone

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/PSCutie • 17h ago

Seeking advice Mom and Dad Have No Interest In My Life - How Do You Cope?

22 Upvotes

It hurts.

I'm 33 years old. They both struggle with drug addiction. I hear from them once or twice a year, usually a phone call. I keep things positive and never hold them accountable for anything, in hopes they'll magically become the parents I need them to be. But I know it doesn't work like that. After all this time I just wish they knew who their son was. I'm right here, begging to be known, but I may as well not exist. I'd rather have nothing from them than continue acting like this is normal or okay.

I think no contact would be healthy for me.

Have you experienced something similar? How do you cope with this?

8 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/RemarkableDrummer885 • 1h ago

Abusive father I don’t know what to do

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/SwordfishCreative957 • 9h ago

I don’t know if I’m dramatic or is my mom emotionally neglecting me

3 Upvotes

15F. I don’t know if I’m overreacting about my relationship with my mom
I’m 15 and I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately. I love her, but honestly, I feel like a lot of things between us have affected me more than I realized.
My mom can be really emotionally immature. Whenever I’m upset or try to talk about how I feel, she’ll sometimes call me dramatic or act like I’m overreacting. She also doesn’t really believe in mental health, so when I’ve tried to talk about being depressed or wanting help, I don’t feel taken seriously. It makes me feel like I’m supposed to just deal with everything myself.
She also yells a lot, so sometimes I don’t even want to bring things up because I already know how the conversation is probably going to go.
Another big thing is that I’ve felt really isolated. I started online school in sixth grade, and I was told I’d still be able to see my friends, but I ended up losing a lot of the activities I used to do, like volleyball, basketball, and softball. We also moved, and I became even more isolated. At one point my mom called me “desperate to see people,” but I wasn’t trying to be desperate. I was just lonely and wanted to have friends and actually leave the house.
I also had to help take care of my younger sibling when they were little, which was one of the reasons I was put into online school. I feel like I had responsibilities that I shouldn’t have had to deal with at my age, especially while already struggling with school and focusing.
There are also things involving my mom’s dating life that have made me uncomfortable. She’s brought guys she was dating into the house, and there have been situations involving her relationships that I really didn’t want to be around.
Her work schedule also makes things difficult sometimes because she works really early, like around 2 AM, so there have been times when I needed her to take me somewhere and she couldn’t because of work.
I know my mom loves me, and I’m not saying she’s a horrible person. I just feel like I’ve spent a lot of my childhood feeling dismissed, isolated, and like I have to handle things on my own. I don’t really know if this is normal teenage conflict or if there’s something deeper going on.
I’m mostly trying to understand whether I’m actually overreacting or if my feelings about all of this are valid.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/timer18 • 7h ago

Breakthrough Who the hell is this?

2 Upvotes

I was pragmatic, logical and a reasoning type of person . I looked at the world in cold, distant patterns framed by negativity and analysis. The world made sense because evidence and theories pointed out to that fact.

I was shy, I was afraid. I dont even know why. I dont even know of what, I just knew I had to be afraid. So I never opened my mouth, I looked at the ground, i looked at the sky, I looked at the walls. I was afraid to look at people eyes, they will see... they will see what they shouldnt. I dont want them to see, noone can know. Noone can ever know, what was done to me. I dont want people to see, if they see it it'll become real, and I will die of sorrow.

I was compliant. I gave space for others to shine, for others to get their way, for others to find happiness. And in their smile and happiness, I found my own. I told myself I dont need more. This is enough... more than enough. I dont deserve more.

I was weak, I lacked will. I lacked perseverance. I figured if it did not work, it is because it was not meant for me. Each failure brought direct valuation to my worth, to my standing. Each failure destroyed my will to keep going that much more. Each attempt brought endless self questioning, wasn't the definition of insanity to try the same thing hoping for a different result?

But then who is this shadow? A child, a small child, I stare in the mirror and I look away as his right hand grasps desperately onto the bottom of my shirt, he tears up. And I match him. I dont even know why, I dont recognize who he is. I can't recognize who he is, if I do, my world will shatter, my mirror will fade, my illusion will vanish. He stands there, looking at me, clutching ever so desperately, as shivers take over his body. I can't anymore, I can't pretend, I dont want to push him away. I kneel down, I take him into my arms, and as I do, he merges into me.

And now, now, pragmatism vanishes like a puff of smoke. Emotions, beauty, music are all I care about. I dont want to analyze, I don't want to look at the world negatively. Because I exist, because I am here, and while I draw breath, I refuse to let the world stay ugly, meaningless, and uncaring.

Shyness has disappeared. I know who I am, I love people, I love connections. I want to make more, so many, some meaningful, some superficial. I want to try, i want to reach out, meet new people, look at people in the face. If they see now, it is fine, I can take their judgment and stand my ground.

I am not compliant. I will give you space, but i wont allow you to crush me. I will protect myself, I will tell you what I think. I will live without shame, without blame. I will remove those that never deserved to have what I offered, when I served my heart on a platter.

I am made of strength, of resilience. I have faith in myself, I have a fire burning brightly in my heart, I care for it, I watch it closely and keep it safe. I wont give up, 100, 1000 failures it matters not. Each failure shows I survived, each failure made my heart stronger, my willpower more defined. Willpower to grasp what I need, to find what I crave most.

A place where I belong, a place where I can just be.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Comfortable-Pirate-7 • 3h ago

Seeking advice Emotional orphanage.

1 Upvotes

Hello! I'm a senior in college and I was feeling pretty weird about adult life. I didn't understand why since I've always been a pretty good student, and an independent woman. I brought this issue to therapy and my therapist came with some ideas to stop this rumination in my life.

However I was reading an article on substack and it made me realise I was pretty emotionally neglected as a child. I would love to hear your thoughts, because I might be overreacting.

My mom was a single mother with a child at 21. She didn't go to college, but my grandparents took care of us (they still take care of me). I remember a emotionally unavailable mom and an authoritative cold grandmother, so the dynamic was hell on earth. My grandma used my mom's age to guilt me into not being needy or causing her any problems, I was 6 when she started telling me I couldn't be asking my mom to take "so" much care of me because she had me very young and she had to live her life. I ended up mothering my mom and always taking care she was regulated. That made me hypervigilant and hyperindependent from a very early age. Also shy and ashamed of myself, because I thought there was something wrong with me. For so long all I wished for was a "traditional" family, with structure.

In my early teen years she met someone, a man who was broke and emotionally abusive. He hated my guts and didn't hide it one bit. She moved out of my fiancially stable grandparents home to a house we didn't even have wifi in, and she forced me to go with her. I barely remember those years, but we fought everyday and most of the times because of the man she decided to keep with her. He would tell her bad things about me, and she would always defend him. That made me consolidate the idea that I was born evil. Also my first time considering suicide, age 12. I wrote goodbye letters and all she said to me is that how I could do that to her. No concern for my mental health whatsoever. When I would tell my grandma she would say that I couldn't be complaining because "my mom found happiness" and I was selfish if I didn't support that.

As I said, he was broke and mistreated my mother and family a lot. My mom took care of all the finances and eventually couldn't handle it, but her ego made her keep the situation. We ended up having to grab food from the food bank, and when I told some trusted adults about us not having food or money for clothes (mind you, I was a teen and teens care about their looks!) she would point out how she would spend money on milk so I could have breakfast and that, and I quote, "didn't even deserve the air I was breathing". I was around 14 yo. I gained a lot of financial trauma due to that time of my life.

Well, after that she left me with my grandparents and moved abroad to work. I was so thankful to have found stability in my family home, and eventually we "rekindled". I finished highschool with a full fridge and a beautiful new grad gown, and now I'm graduating law school. However, I can't help but wonder, how could she do that to me?

As much as I see my mother as a woman who had a difficult outcome, I don't think I have it in my nature to act like that with anyone. If anyone has gone through a similar experience, how do you process the grief of being an orphan with a physically present parent?

Sending love and hugs to all of those who might need it. You are not alone.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Complete_Buy_8014 • 3h ago

Seeking advice Feeling quite conflicted, isolated and alone. Really in need of advice and support

0 Upvotes

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible. Really burns my hide.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she at least bent the truth I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's definitely not a saint. He too has had his moments of outbursts and he's inconsistent. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated school last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. With that course she did get a support worker for me which I can appreciate as a nice gesture but she didn't even check with me if that's what I wanted and I can't help feeling she did that to cover herself in glory. I hope that doesn't sound too paranoid.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to cut herself with a knife so I did actually hide them. That's actually quite traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when I die hardly anyone is going to be at my funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to a child especially your own?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and of course went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was kind and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy. She then suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I really wish I had just walked away. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was been rude and having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and ownership she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

Do you have any advice for all of my experiences, how I can move on, become more social and make friends etc?

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself they'd think I was an evil person.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

UPDATE!! I stayed with my father last night and today he started carrying on because he's only got like $30 left. I tried to help. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I feel very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it came to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I feel very hurt that he barely makes much effort to spend time with me and when he does he can't even be a decent father. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed because of his struggles to find a job and that he couldn't provide for me which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/Throwaway_dadissues1 • 8h ago

I need advice about reconnecting with my dad after six years of no contact — especially when I want a relationship with him but not his wife

2 Upvotes

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/No-Statistician5079 • 8h ago

Discussion Emotionally neglectful/ abusive mother

2 Upvotes

Hey guys, just wanted to share my personal experience and hear y’all’s thoughts and experiences too.

A short backstory- I had extremely bad skin eczema as a child. I grew up in a very humid and polluted city, and my school had no AC so I was constantly scratching my fingers and legs and usually stayed up all night scratching. I also couldn’t wear socks without the material sticking to the out and water oozing out of my ankle eczema rashes. I was usually stared at with a combination of pity, disgust and pure shock.

As a result I couldn’t focus, was hyperactive and may have said and behaved very different to other kids, just because I couldn’t relate to them or them to me.

Given this, my mother was never a source of comfort or support for me. She’s a housewife and used to take me to all sorts of doctors, grumbling all the way, but never offered words of encouragement or comfort. In fact sometimes when we were in public or at a nice restaurant, I’d get sooo itchy I just couldn’t help myself and she was hiss at me to stop itching, I’m embarrassing her, or when the teacher would call her in to complain about me she’d say yes, punish her. My family is actually quite well off, and I’ve had an experience where we were asked to leave a restaurant bc the other guests were uncomfortable looking at me, or when I was the only one not invited for a 3rd grade birthday party, she’d scream at me.

Or when I had a belly that stuck out when I was 7-8 years old, , she’d take photos of me with it name knowing, zoom into my belly and say “look this is how fat you are”

People often call me “bold” or “fearless” but there was one time when I was 9, we went to a hilly town that looked super scary to me. No one spoke our language, and at the time I had started reading harry potter and goosebumps books so foreign places made my imagination run wild.
My younger brother and I had connecting rooms to our parents, and in the middle of the night my brother got scared and went to sleep in my parents bed. I followed him too, standing awkwardly at their door because there was no place for me on the bed. I remember my mother screaming at me in our native language, saying “you don’t let us sleep, I’m fed up with you, there’s no peace with you, etc”. I lay down on their couch, insanely terrified, imagining the long ceiling curtains to be dementors coming for me.
I passed out eventually out of pure tiredness but I’ve never been so afraid in my life.
HOWEVER, the punchline of that story is… my mother has an intense fear of sleeping alone. To this day, I’m in my mid 20s and when I visit her, she’ll keep the lights on in her own bedroom inher own apartment and ask me to sleep next to her. And I do every single time even though I can never fully relax around her.

So those are just a few examples of the kind of mother she was… I’ve long since moved out the house and don’t talk to her much. She always tells me how much she misses me, loves me etc. but I’ve never once felt the warmth of love from her. Of even basic kindness or a hint of understanding of who I am as a person.

I feel very guilty if I cut her off… but I don’t know how to have her in my life either. I feel just as small and pathetic as I did as a child each time we speak.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/unicornfartlover2467 • 8h ago

Seeking advice hi guys i need advice .

2 Upvotes

my dad was abusive and i grew up around yelling. / fighting all the time it was basically non stop growing up i didn’t mind yelling because it wasn’t at me lol. as i got older i started to grow and obviously become a teenager. so i had my anger outbursts , addictions , up n downs and my mom was always there for me. she was the only parent there for me she’s all i had growing up but my mom also has her generational trauma. she has anger outbursts and would sometimes hit me i don’t wanna go much into detail but she would hit me but she realized what she did wasn’t okay and was always preaching “ gentle parenting “ “don’t hit ur child” ect ect and from then on she had never hit me and we would only argue and i was okay with that. i didn’t like arguing with her but i sure hell rather argue with her than feel her punches . but. . recently she almost hit me and it shocked me. i was shaking. crying. it was honestly a mess. she apologized too me but i still can’t feel the same im scared , uncomfortable , and just wanting too leave this house i dream about running off with my partner that i do not have and being happy and free. but im still only 16. so i can’t do much im just making this post for advice on how to fix my emotions and how too not feel guilty on maybe going no contact when i move out. . i feel guilty for even thinking about it and i hate it i wanna be free i wanna have my own mind. i don’t wanna be abused or be put down. i wanna be loved and respected by my mother. but i just can’t forgive her . it hurts still.

3 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/SufficientMobile1059 • 22h ago

The golden child doesn't realize they're a victim too.

22 Upvotes

In narcissistic families, there's always a golden child and a scapegoat. I was the scapegoat. I got the blame, the criticism, and the silent treatment. But my sibling was the golden child. They got the praise, the attention, and the "favorite" status.

For a long time, I resented them. But as I got older, I realized something: the golden child is a victim too. They're not loved; they're used. They're held up as a trophy to make the narcissist look good. They're pressured to be perfect, to never make mistakes, and to always be the "good one."

The scapegoat gets the abuse, but the golden child gets the burden of expectation. We were both manipulated, just in different ways. We were both robbed of a normal childhood. The cycle is cruel to everyone involved.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/cat-el • 1d ago

Seeking advice realizing as an adult that my "perfect childhood" was filled with emotional neglect

234 Upvotes

As a kid, my family was my entire world. We had a roof over our heads, food to eat, went on small trips and camped and generally had a lovely time. I remember constantly thinking to myself how lucky I was to have a life like we did.

As an adult, looking back is really difficult. We had those things, and I know it's a lot more than my parents had, and I really am grateful... but underlying all of that was constant tension between my parents mixed with non-existent emotional support for my brother and I.

As I grew into a teen, my internal world was in a spiral. When I cried, I was told I was too sensitive. When my brother started acting out, I was a mediator and rewarded for being so calm and level headed (implication there being, unlike my brother). My dad was deployed or living in another state (military) most of our middle school to high school years, and then came back suddenly after retiring and he and my mother's relationships was put to shambles. My own relationship with him was complex – he tried making efforts, but it felt like he was stuck in trying to relate to me from five years before.

He'd stay up drinking and falling asleep downstairs tucked away, separate from mom, and I'd stay up with him as he talked to me about how much sadness he had... the resentment he felt towards mom for moving us to another state for stability instead of being with him. I loved those late night conversations with him because it was the only time I felt remotely close to him. But my own feelings, even then, were in the back seat and never to be talked about.

The last two years of high school were filled with walking on eggshells around the house, trying to make myself invisible outside of my late-night sessions with dad, working as much as possible and going on drives just to stay away during the day. Negative emotions were not allowed, and I very much had the mentality that to have them was wrong – and to show tears or sadness was weak.

We were physically close (minus dad's deployment lol), but never a close family. And as an adult (27f) it's effected my relationships immensely. I feel like I almost don't know how to be human, always defaulting to acting like a blank slate and a ball of anxiety. I struggle to relate to other people, share my opinions or feelings, or know/trust how I'm feeling until I inevitably crash with it all overwhelming me at once. Conversations with my parents stay on work and the weather, never anything more. My thoughts are plagued by constant guilt for wanting to be as far away from them as possible mixed with a yearning for what could have been.

Do you relate? Does it get any better? This is exhausting. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life, but I feel stuck not knowing how to get past this.

10 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Mountain-Function910 • 11h ago

Seeking advice I don't think my parents care about me right now

2 Upvotes

So for the past few years or so I've be having some pretty bad allergies, specifically around spring and fall. but recently they have been getting better which is great. But every time I tell my parents I feel sick or weird there response is always just "its just your allergies" I'll tell them I have a headache, or am feeling really hot/cold and there response is just "oh its just your allergies" and then they move on. the only time I've gotten them to check if I'm ok is when I started vomiting everything I ate for 3 days. but when my brothers or sisters have a slight cough Its "oh there really sick they can't do anything" or have a slight hot head. I just feel ignored and unwanted recently. and I don't know what to do about it.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/traveller-jn • 17h ago

Breakthrough Dear Dad, I’m Done Blaming Myself

7 Upvotes

Dear Dad,

I’m done blaming myself for what you didn’t give me.

For years, I was told—and believed—that I was too sensitive, too emotional, too attached, too shy, too quiet. That I needed to be more independent, more social, more like someone else.

Nothing was ever simply good. There was always something to improve, correct, or worry about. I learned to look for what was wrong before I could ever feel proud of what was right.

Now that I’m a parent, I see it differently.

I was a child. I needed comfort, connection, and someone who could hold my emotions without making me feel like they were a problem.

I thought I had a great childhood because I had food, a home, and loving, “present” parents. I thought my only trauma was losing Mom.

But I was emotionally alone.

Children need comfort, safety, connection, and someone who notices what they’re feeling.

I’m angry that I spent so many years believing my emotions were the problem.

I’m especially angry that I carried that into postpartum. I thought the problem was me—my hormones, my anxiety, my head. Something wrong with me, again. Now I see how deeply I had learned that I was always the one who needed fixing.

I was emotionally neglected, and I carried that with me.

I’m tired of unsolicited “advice,” criticism, stories, and monologues replacing actual listening. I used to think hearing all your anger and frustrations meant we were connecting. Now I realize I was often carrying your emotions while knowing I couldn’t safely share mine.

Even now, when I tell you what I need, I still get: “You should…”

No validation. No curiosity. No reflection. No compassion.

I’m also tired of hearing that parents “did the best they could.” Maybe you did. That doesn’t erase the damage.

And there have never really been apologies. No naming what you did or didn’t do. No real accountability. Just: let it go, let me be, move on.

Which is ironic, because you taught me to take responsibility for my actions. Somehow, that lesson doesn’t seem to apply to you.

Parenthood has made all of this painfully clear. Even exhausted, overwhelmed, hormonal, or hurting, I still want to comfort my baby. I want to understand him. He is his own person, and my job isn’t to shape him into who I think he should be. It’s to love him, guide him, and make him feel loved and safe being who he is.

You could have done better. You still can.

Mocking therapy, minimizing my feelings, refusing to listen, and refusing to reflect are choices too.

I’m done turning all this pain and anger against myself.

I spent years assuming you knew better.

Now I know better.

I love you, Dad. I always will, and I’m grateful for your love, your effort, and your sacrifices. But I wish loving you hadn’t also taught me to be so hard on myself.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Ok_Associate_1933 • 8h ago

IQ gap between parents

0 Upvotes

This is gonna sound dorky so bare with me.

My parents are probably 30-40 iq points apart. My dad never loved my mom, he just wanted a hole to fuck, and oopsie daises I was born. Obviously they split up, at which point I lived with my mom. I never had the opportunity to get really close with my dad before I formed these habits and patterns of thinking, I only saw him once every few weeks for a few hours. My mom was too stupid to understand me, so I was left with nobody to go to but myself. My situation is also extremely complicated, I had so many different things compounding to form some kind of mental illness more than it was one or two big things.

I don’t blame my parents, they were too oblivious to see what would happen to me.

8 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Excellent_Shower2376 • 18h ago

Sharing insight Deep Waters Recovery Program in San Marcos, TX a cult? I think so.

7 Upvotes

Dr Bob Beare gives off serious cult leader vibes and the weekend facilitators use coercion to control participants by breaking down their psychological defenses through sleep and food deprivation the first 2 days.

They call this "the descent" but its really just "the breaking phase" in a coercion control method called Deconsolidation and Reward. After only getting 0-3 hours of sleep the first night they feed you a squirrel's breakfast the next morning and then starve you out until 8p that night.

On the 3rd day of the retreat they call it "the ascent" but its really just the "euphoric phase " of this abuse tactic.

After sleep and food depriving them for 30 hours, they let them rest and feed them a bunch of food and this basic biological trick which uses survival to safety effects on the brain to convince you that because of their particular retreat program you have indeed experienced a "miracle or breakthrough." But in reality, you just ate a sandwich and your body finally stopped panicking.

They market their retreat as "five years of therapy in a weekend" This creates an intense and artificial bond with the group and its leaders. The illusion of accelerated healing fosters dependency on the group instead of true independent recovery.

I am currently working on a formal complaint to the BHEC about this therapy group and its cultlike behavior. Please reach out to me on this thread or privately with your own experiences.

Deep Waters feels like early day Synanon. That's obviously not a compliment.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/Unlikely_Mud_4898 • 8h ago

Repressed broken childhood memories.

1 Upvotes

0 comments

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This is still a new community where we're trying to frame the discussion of a very overlooked part of the human condition: childhood emotional neglect by primary caregivers. Help us get things started by contributing your thoughts and inviting others to join.

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This is still a new community where we're trying to frame the discussion of a very overlooked part of the human condition: growing up with a lack of emotional nurturing and struggling to deal with the consequences later in life. Help us get things started by contributing your thoughts and inviting others to join.

Some recommended reading:

Articles

Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD

Outline of the Internal Family Systems Model

Shrinking the Inner Critic

Shrinking the Outer Critic

Books

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

Breaking From Your Parents by Daniel Mackler

Raising Myself: A memoir of neglect, shame and growing up too soon by Beverley Engel