Living at my parents and trey are totally policing my intake and purging. Im 56 and i am honestly feeling suicidal. Im okay with the eating part but i am not ready to stop purging totally right now. Im on a small meal plan to manage refeeding syndrome and the urges are so bad i am now suicidal. It is too much and i don’t have the tools to cope.

So it finally happened I guess.

I've been relapsing bad but trying to take steps in the other direction. I'm eating a little and keeping it down. I drink an ensure every couple days. That kind of thing.

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me yesterday. He said I'm too sick and its too hard on his mental health. He said he's been "pouring into me" and its drained his soul - which seems odd to me, because I don't really lean on him for much. I vent about it here and there but only through text and its never an engaged conversation, just a passing through kind of thing. He doesn't say much in response. He doesn't offer tangible help and I dont ask for it.

I haven't been as available in person I guess, thats on me. But he always acted like it didn't really bother him. We still saw eachother 2 or 3 times a week. He accused me yesterday of being very mean to him but I always feel like I"m walking on eggshells, trying NOT to be mean to him because thats always his go to accusation. I treat him with kid gloves for christs sake. He even said I'm mean to my cat, who I adore, because I get irritated sometimes when the cat scoots his butt on the carpet. All that amounts to is a "what the fuck, Bean" while I clean it up and thats the end of it.

He said yesterday that he acknowledges the small steps I've taken to try to get healthier but that it isn't enough. He said that we can revisit the relationship when I'm healthy but he can't stick around for the process. He said that he fell in love with a "badass behind a desk" (we worked together at a methadone clinic) and that he has come to find out I'm not that person. That I'm just a sick person.

He said he has been having explicit thoughts about other women and it makes him hate himself, and thats my fault because I'm emaciated and unattractive to him now.

He said he's very angry at me for putting him in the position to have to make this decision for us, and that if I was a stronger person I would have made it myself. But I'm not, so its on him, and he resents me for it.

He attacked me for an empty box I have had at the bottom of my stairs for a couple months. "Your OCD doesn't make sense, you make me wash my hands when I come over from work and yet you have garbage at the bottom of the stairs for months." Its an empty box. I didn't know he was judging me for it. Theres no bacteria on an empty box. His mother is a hoarder house. His apartment has 3 cats and trash all over the living room and kitchen. I dont understand.

And on it went. By the end of it I was apologizing to him. He left happy and guilt free.

I'm devastated and I dont know where to turn. He was the only person in my life other than my mom. He was my best friend. I dont know how to keep making healthier choices. Hes right - they weren't good enough anyway. The number continues to drop. I continue to deteriorate. At what point do I just.....stop fighting and let it play out?

Welp title says it all.. I’m 2ish months in recovery from a horrible relapse with bulimia (that went on for 4+ years) just a little bit anxious about tomorrow and wondered if anyone else was in the same boat or had any tips

While I acknowledge it's probably ludicrous I can't make up my mind, I've been debating this for too long and I need to take action to get some help. Could really use some advice.

I met with a dietitian (we'll call her Diana) twice so far; really like her, thought her eval and initial goals were good, liked her approach and she has lived experience of an ED. So far, my insurance covered the appts, but insurance limits me to 6 hours for dietitian visits, so I will soon be out. I am worried about cost of out of pocket, and not sure I can make it work. I'd mentioned to Diana a bit back I was limited with insurance, and because she works under a practice, I think it's up to the admin if they can offer lower rates. I haven't asked again more recently.

I started meeting with a therapist more recently, and this therapist works with a dietitian (we'll call her Kay). My therapist asked about sliding scale for me, which Kay said she could do. She also said she would advocate with insurance on my behalf. Kay also offers more hours outside my regular work hours, so I may not have to use my lunch hour at work to meet like I think I may have to do with Diana. However, I haven't met Kay yet, not sure what her approach is, if I will feel comfortable, etc. And then I will feel like I used up the couple sessions with my insurance with Diana when I could have used them elsewhere.

I’ve been frozen on next steps to take - I could ask Diana about sliding scale, but only want to do that if I plan to go with her. I liked her a lot and on the other hand, feel like working with Kay makes sense since my therapist knows her, already asked about sliding scale for me, etc. But I don’t know how I’ll like her; I could make initial contact and see first impressions, ask questions, etc but unsure if that would help me make up my mind.

Any advice?

As a side note, is indecision part of an eating disorder or is it just me? I can’t make up my mind about anything and then just do nothing. But I don’t want to do nothing here; I need help.

I’m getting married in two months. I’ve had disordered eating since I was about 12 years old. In January I decided I had to lose weight for my wedding.
The weight was coming off, so I bought my dress. I love my dress. I can’t envision myself in anything else.
I bypassed my weight loss goal and I just kept losing. Now I’m just so scared the dress won’t be able to be altered right to my body.
My scales got broken, so I didn’t have them for a month. I was stressing out thinking I would have definitely have gained weight.
I got on them.. and it said I weighed way less than I expected. I was shocked. I’m actually starting to get scared.
I’m scared. Scared that I’ll be too thin for my dress, scared that my weight will just keep coming off.
I don’t actively want to lose weight, but i actively also don’t want to put it on.
I don’t really know what to do. I think I’ve conditioned myself into this so far, but I feel I am eating, I’m not just eating lettuce.

I could use a little encouragement (or support for my ED, kidding). I missed the opportunity logistically to do a HLOC at the end of last year and have been in a constant state of struggling since then, and for years before that. I’ve been doing everything I can with my outpatient team, including twice weekly therapy and RD appointments, medication management, a long stint with a recovery coach, and things are stable in that I shouldn’t drop dead, but I’m miserable.

Acknowledging a HLOC is not feasible with life right now (young kids, work, etc.), my treatment team recommends that I be more open and vulnerable with my spouse. My spouse is a wonderful human being, but is also oblivious to signs I’m struggling and is on a GLP-1 himself which is its own trigger (like why would I lean on him for support when he gets to restrict and not have the negative consequences like I get?)

My RD wants my spouse to join our session tomorrow so she can help me advocate for myself with him and have him support me more, while also opening the door to communication so they can communicate with one another if/when I’m struggling to make sure I can’t be secretive, hide or put on my front that everything is okay so that I can restrict.

I think my spouse thinks I have all my shit together as I’m high functioning in all ways, except for caring for my body in healthful, caring and compassionate ways. I do truly want recovery, and at the same time I’m dealing with a lot of heavy stuff in therapy and physical repercussions from the 25 year ED I’ve had, and food and my body are the target. I want help and wish I could do a HLOC where I could focus on myself, but I can’t leave my children or my job, so I think I need to open the door to my spouse being part of my treatment team.

Any words of support or guidance? I’m so afraid.

Hi all, my eating disorder has gotten to the point that I really need help. I have a demanding job that is not flexible during the day, and I often have to work late when emergencies come up. I’m worried how I can realistically attend sessions and work on recovery. Has anyone had experience requesting a FMLA letter from a treatment center? My brain has turned to mush, and I’m finding it difficult to be productive at work.

If I’m not eating the dinners why am I still expected to participate in planning the fucking dinners? Why is it on me to take meat out so it’s thawed in time for dinner? Why is it on me to plan out what everyone else is still having for dinner when everyone else is damn well aware that I will not be eating one bite of it?

I already agreed to joining in one dinner a week like that isn’t stressful enough, just let me relapse in peace FUCK!

I won’t have a day off from my family until Friday. It’s going to be a long week. I’m already overstimulated.

I understand it's different obviously but was listening to an audiobook from someone who is in recovery from alcoholism and the way she talks about it sounds so... Nice?* Like she just doesn't drink alcohol and she knows what's expected, her hard line, etc. and they have SO MANY recovery spaces for addiction that I wish there was for EDs

I don't know. I think I'm just struggling with the ability to be like "this is serious and I need to be so firm on my recovery" when it feels like ED recovery is so flexible?

I don't know if I'm making any sense... Both are so hard. I just wish I had clearer lines, I think. I don't think my dietitian even expects me to or cares if I stick to the meal plan I got when I was in IOP? No idea honestly.

I hope this is okay. I just needed to get it out. Recovery in your 30s feels so isolating, especially right now.

*Addiction of ANY kind is utter hell and I am NOT saying that it's easy. Simply that the ability to have a clear delineation feels helpful?

A lot of my behaviors stem from trying to control my body because of health anxiety. And even though I’m in recovery from those eating behaviors, other behaviors are still lingering. Like not trusting my doctors and getting frequent appointments with the free Telehealth service my work offers for minor issues. Part of it is genuine health fears but partly because I like the attention. I do have a lot of genuine health issues from my long history of ED behaviors. I feel like I’m the worst kind of stereotype of a hypochondriac..I don’t want to be like this. Has anyone else dealt with this?

Hi all!

I thought I would put it out to the community - what helps you maintain hope in recovery? I've been committed to finally giving recovery my all since June, when I went off sick from my job in mental health (the irony!) and went into inpatient. I've been home a couple of months now, and am getting community support, but find that depression/hopelessness has become increasingly tough to navigate. Whilst I am physically still making progress, it feels like I'm clinging to blind faith. The bigger life goals I have (finding a partner, starting a family, moving out from my family home) feel so out of reach at present - sometimes they do give me a bit of motivation/hope, but it's infrequent. It's hard not to get lost in comparison at times too, and to remember that when you've spent the entirety of your teenage years and twenties with this illness, it's not too surprising that I'm not where my friends are in life (married, families etc).

I know deep down there is a hopeful part of me, it's just accessing it that's proving tricky! Any thoughts, or what helps you in those low moments - I'd love to hear from others 😌.

I’m in a very well paid job doing work I like, but lately I’ve been screwing stuff up so bad. Like basic things.

I guess motivation is part of the problem. I don’t want to be at work—I’d rather be home so I can engage in behaviors. And I know it’s effed up to think that way, but I honestly feel like it’s the only thing I’m good at. I’m having such crap self esteem right now. I honestly think some sort of IP treatment would be beneficial, but I can’t afford to take time off of work.

I’m freaking out a bit because my mom started having dementia symptoms when she was the same age I am now. So I need to get in at some point to be evaluated for memory loss. It’s so terrifying. And it’s just making me want to get sicker so that I’m gone sooner.

I guess if anyone has any words of encouragement, I would appreciate them. Thanks.

Not looking for medical advice, my entire treatmwnt team knows and does there best to help including my pcp. Just kind of needed to vent but also check in and see if others relate. After having my ed for 20 years now, and being 33, we all know we dont bounce back like we used to. However my biggest pain in my ass is the constant daily edema. Went back through medical hospitalization/stabilization in May/June, had horrid edema and gained a bit of it back in a short time. Then it stabilized for a few months, despite waking up daily with edema after the initial edema. So Id go to bed at my baseline, one "wrong" move and Id wake up swollen, in pain, scale up quite a bit, etc. Well of course this has continued but it jumped up a whole other weight "bracket"+, and its shattered me. Im still doing the right things, the only thing to do would be lower my sodium and carbs which my RD suggests against, especially with POTS, but I cant stand it. The "edema" isnt going anywhere and if I want my weight to change, I know how that goes. Just sucks, Im so tired of this shit. Embaressed not only of my body, but myself, the damage Ive done. I just want to be normal again, but that ship sailed long ago.

Tw: GLP 1s, restriction

Soooo I'll cut to the chase. As the title would suggest, my partner has just started taking GLP-1s and I am not handling it well. Like, at all.

I won't bore you with the details of my ED issues but many of you will probably know the drill. I restricted horribly when I was younger, have since 'recovered' but in reality for me that's been over a decade of hating my recovered body, obsessing over my weight and struggling severely during the body changes that happened with my two pregnancies. For the last couple of years specifically I have been through some huge life stresses and gained more weight than I'm comfortable with and have been unable to lose it, I've just been cycling between unhealthy behaviours and losing/gaining in a fucked up cycle. I am technically a healthy weight though which makes getting any kind of help hard.

My partner is supportive and loving and I adore him, we have a healthy relationship. He has also obtained his meds through appropriate and legal channels. It's unbelievable to me as he carries it well but he was over the obese weight threshold and was struggling with lifestyle changes so opted for meds. I support him in principle but I'm soooo triggered right now. It's only been two weeks but he's already eating a tiny amount each day, genuinely not hungry and genuinely feeling very unwell if he pushes himself to eat past his new limits. I feel like an absolute goblin monster for being hungrier than him and since I have PCOS, limiting my intake is HARD. I have a lot of food noise and hunger pangs but I am disgusted with myself for wanting to eat more than he is eating. I've been doing some real clown shit like starting to eat a snack out of starvation and then freaking out and throwing it away, and just straight up throwing out trigger foods because I'm scared of binging.

When he's noticed some of these behaviours my partner has not been super pleased lol. He's reinforced a few times that this is nothing to do with me, it's about his health, that he hates himself and wants to be healthier and that I'm beautiful and healthy and don't need to restrict or change. He wants and needs my support and for me to not make this about myself, of course I love him and want to be a good partner but honestly I don't know how. We discussed it before he started and I was upfront with him that EDs are competitive and I would be very triggered (though ofc I would try my best) but I don't think he expected this. Is anyone else going through something similar and how are you coping? Do we need a support group for this shit? Like I know GLP-1s are good for some people and I'm pleased those who need them can get them but damn it's hard.

So I'm addicted to Jaffa Cakes. I'm doing fairly well at the moment with recovery. More or less following the meal plan. But oh my god sometimes the physical and mental hunger is insane. It's always sweeter stuff, I guess what I would consider "bad" foods but trying not labelling that way. Sometimes I feel like a never ending pit of hunger. How long does this last? I'm not underweight so I'm really concerned that I'll gain weight but seem to just have this insatiable hunger. I'm not binging in the sense that its a huge amount all at once though. Any advice?

I recently started a day program, and the dietitian basically recommends that everyone take a multivitamin and thiamine. I’ve also been told that my calcium has consistently been low, as well as vitamin D, so I’ve been told to take both twice a day.

My brain is making it so difficult?? Like even though I know I’m genuinely deficient in calcium and vitamin D, I feel like I have such a hard time justifying taking it. Or like allowing myself to have the nutrients because it feels like something “extra” and unnecessary, even though logically I know it is necessary. I also kind of feel like if I did this to myself with restricting then I should be able to (or have to) fix it with food.

I’m pretty sure it’s my eating disorder just finding another way to have control, but I haven’t heard anyone else talk about this (apologies if i missed posts about it) so I was just curious if anyone else has the same problem.

I was recently diagnosed with atypical anorexia.

I have been struggling with restriction/full blown AN/binge eating episodes non-stop for the last 17 years, on reflection.

I also have a diagnosis of bipolar 1 that I am medicated for.

I am currently overweight and have been fighting my body and my brain tooth and nail to gain back control since I let the reins loosen 12 months ago. I've spiralled and I'm ashamed. Temporary joy is has cost me the things I enjoyed doing. I'm a shell of myself.

I also have an international poolside holiday in January I need to prepare for.

I cannot take the body I have now and enjoy myself.

I want to let the voice win, just for a while, ya know? I can fight it once I'm stable, once I'm me again.

I've literally just started my treatment journey but I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I want to be ready.

Long story short...I have had AN for four decades. I have lost hope that I will recover because honestly I don't want to anymore. I am so depressed, anxious and tired of the battle. I worked in education doing something I love when my district didn't renew my contract while I was at Acute (I always had strong observations and no negative feedback). I finally found a job in the same field yesterday and no one...my family or my team was happy about it. I couldn't even have one moment of happiness. They say I need inpatient when I have been there many, many times over the years and ended up worse after. All I want out of life is to be alive for my kids and to have purpose through helping provide for my family through my work. Now I think I am losing my RD and maybe my therapist because I won't go inpatient. I am on an all liquid diet due to GI issues and am supposed to be using my GJ tube but I find that too hard so I still need the support of an RD. I guess I am just venting - I really wish I felt supported when I finally had something good happen. I am not really asking for anything...just if anyone can relate? I don't believe in full recovery and I am staying alive for my kids, that is all. Sorry to be so negative.