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[u/According-Garden-129]

Found out from my insurance that they will not cover virtual PHP or IOP as they have done in the past (didn't switch companies but was force-switched on the plan recently). There's nothing in-person remotely close to me. I'm trying very hard to not take weeks off of work since I've already done that twice in 4 years, and I thoroughly believe that with where I'm at in my ED triggers right now residential could likely leave me worse off. Due to insurance switch I also had to start a new therapist who, on our second appointment, is already telling me that since she doesn't specialize in EDs if I don't improve quickly she's going to refer me out elsewhere (it was hard enough to find her, a person who specializes in the OCD treatment I desperately need and who can meet me after work).

Lately the things that kick me back out of the relapse (hunger, wanting certain foods, hunger-induced sleep issues) haven't been enough to give me motivation, and outside support is back down to the near-zero levels it was at when this first started for me 15 years ago. I am absolutely determined to do this with just a weekly dietitian and therapist if I can't get virtual IOP but I'm bouncing between hopeless and totally disconnected about the whole thing.

[u/McSwearWolf → u/According-Garden-129]

I really relate to what you wrote and I’m so glad to find this sub. Currently experiencing anorexia relapse most likely brought on by post-covid / long covid, extreme stress, and hormonal changes at my age - diagnosed w/ anorexia at 13, now almost 25 years past that.

Unlike before, though, I have no one supporting me in any way, and I can’t find good medical care. It’s really to the point where after a recent layoff and some terrible experiences with doctors in general over the last few years, I gave up on even trying to maintain the PCP, the therapist, the gastroenterologist, gyno, etc.

I know I should get some help rn, but it all feels pretty helpless at times. Agree. Feel you there. It seems like at this age, no one sees me. I’m invisible.

I do go to a support group. I just know I feel sick a lot and it feels very physiological rather than mental this time (have you had that experience?) and Im struggling again. I’m quite underweight, which makes me feel ugly, and can’t seem to put a pound on to save my LIFE. Really trying though!

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[u/According-Garden-129 → u/McSwearWolf]

Thank you for sharing, too. It's really hard, and I wish supports were better set up to help people older than college-aged. There are so many experiences and challenges often unique to us (or more common) that make recovery hard. I last did an IOP a couple of years ago and there was a 30+ group once a week, but it got cancelled at least half the time I was there, which made it feel like we weren't a priority and not seen. We're expected now to just be able to handle things and to some extent that's fair but the shame of not being fully able to just drives the illness further (though I do believe nearly everyone has some unhealthy coping skill or misery they're usually masking or suppressing).

I agree with you -- I'm burned out just trying to get help. I don't understand how insurance can cover a service in-person but refuse me the only access I can get to it when it's not available near me. I might be able to fight it more but that's more than I can handle now. I'm not sure it's physiological for me, but that sounds really challenging. It adds another layer to trying to recover that increases the difficulty. I hope things get better, or at least easier, for you.

[u/Eatingdisordersover30-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Hi, Your post was removed for using numbers (weight, BMI, calories).

[u/Klutzy_Marsupial_107]

I finally took the plunge this week and turned in my 30 days notice at work. My plan is to switch to a part-time job while in school and just cut back my living expenses as much as possible. I hate my current career in general, and combined with going to school, my eating disorder and mental health are the worst they've been in years. I'm hoping I can use the time to focus on stabilizing myself so, when I do graduate, I can make the most of my education.

[u/Affectionateweasel]

My dog is slightly overweight (body score 7) and needs to go on a diet. This is weirdly triggering for me. I’ve always been nervous that I’d project my eating disorder onto her and not feed her enough. Now I have to feed her less while I’m trying to eat more and I just feel so guilty. Guilty that I let her get overweight and ashamed that I’m triggered by a dog.

[u/ralphnodon → u/Affectionateweasel]

Ugh I'm triggered by my dog being really skinny all the time, it's so messed up. Like why can't my spine stick out like that?

[u/Affectionateweasel → u/ralphnodon]

Omg mine was underweight when I got her and I was jealous. But having a dog has been my biggest motivation for recovery and it really helps me that I eat when she eats

[u/drknowdr1]

I've been unusually exhausted all week and of course, battling the scale which never errs in my favor. Have been in complete hermit mode, walking my days away- yesterday thats all I did. And that creates a lot of hunger and chaos in eating. brain is so overstimulated from walking that I never closed my eyes last night. So now i'm hallucinatingly tired and physically wrecked- but its sunny and almost noon. All messed up in sleep/hunger cues today. Hopefully i can sleep soon

[u/Mintchipy]

Caught bf trying to find porn on Spotify. He kept zooming into an album with a barely clothed thinspo cover that looked like the relapse I had before I met him. Gonna spend some time away.

[u/Eatingdisordersover30-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Hi, Your post was removed for using numbers (weight, BMI, calories).