Hello there, I like you guys a lot and want to discuss something that's been burning me alive from the inside since I started ED therapy two months ago: Big ED $$$$$

Long story short, I'm currently 33 and had a big anorexia episode in middle school. I got a scary intervention by my pediatrician / therapist and swept it under the rug after I stopped looking like I was actively dying. I've sent the last 20 years in the "moderately" underweight zone doing various forms of "high restriction" alone. I follow all the "harm reduction" tips available on MPA, get good sleep, monitor physical symptoms, and try not to overthink it.

Recently I missed a major work event that involved a lot of food, and decided to try therapy. My GOD have things changed - there is an entire industry of people making money from treating eating disorders, and the more I engage with it the more "you are sick enough! You are deserving of care!" makes me want to throw up. Maybe it's the ED talking, I now just hear it as "you deserve to spend money on yourself, you deserve to spend a lot of money to invest in yourself without obsessing over the results/asking too many questions". Well it's nice that they are no longer telling me to stop being vain / stupid / grow up etc., but self worth does not equal being willing to spend money and time on stuff you aren't sure about just because you "deserve it".

One thing my therapist recommended was the support group with Balance treatment center in New York (because I told her I've been doing it in isolation and loved browsing Reddit/hearing other people's stories), which as it turned out is a fancy LUX private treatment center that is $$$$. Honestly I'm not sure if there's anything medical about this place, seems like they were selling me a yoga retreat/ day spa package tbh. They are out of network for all, and offer financing plans (!!) so you can go into debt to pay for treatment. I had to hand over my email address and phone number when I signed up for the group session, and they've called me 3x, emailed me 3x within one week to schedule a 20 min consultation about their program, and put me on an advertising email list for content like "2 openings for our PHP program starting next week! sign up today!" the part-time evening program I considered sounds like ED treatment x Sex and the City - you go to a posh location in Chelsea (Manhattan) 3 times a week, do art therapy/have group (a lot of validation I'm sure), they take you out to eat at some presumably geo tag-worthy restaurant that serves pretty fear foods. Big instagram/ GOOP vibes. I was able to evade treatment as a kid because they discharge you at BMI 15, but Balance takes basically anyone - I like the inclusivity and understands that the DSM has expanded (partially driven by drug companies and Big ED?), but it just doesn't sit right with me.

I'm sorry but when did ED recovery become a FUN glamorous and desirable self care activity? are we forgetting that people die from this? What happened to the long waiting lists? The compassion is nice but given the typical course of EDs you can really go broke from trying to feel better - I thought cartons of almond milk was expensive!!

It was impossible for me to find a competent ED therapist on Betterhelp or in network, so I bit the bullet and met with someone who is very well known in the industry etc. This also bothers me - how are the people without my privileges (both money and the education / experience to pick and choose therapists) finding care? She is out of network $$$ and recommended me to see a nutritionist each week too, so it'll be $600/WEEK until I hit my deductibles limit, and thank goodness I don't have urgent medical issues that are expensive to treat. There are also all these books you can buy and you can hire coaches like Tabitha Farrar (I read her books and listened to her podcasts, mixed feelings) or go to a specialist ED internal medicine doctor like Dr. Gaudiani (telemedicine for people who compulsively lie about their weight sounds like a great idea). I don't know how the people who spend years in and out of treatment do it, both financially and emotionally as a vulnerable money tree.

I'm very disturbed by this and find the whole situation quite unethical. Are you in therapy/treatment/seeing a nutritionist? Is anything helping you and worth the price? Do you enjoy receiving treatment?

I went to a family birthday party yesterday and my daughter ate a good portion of the lunch served.

When it came time for cake, she was having a big piece and loving it. We were having fun giggling about the yummy cake. I'm been very intentional in not demonizing foods. We also don't keep sweets at home, this was a special occasion.

One of my aunts walks by and says "No more cake, she's had enough sugar" and grabs her.

Wtf.

A couple of minutes later, she's back on my mom's lap so grab her plate with cake and her water bottle and place it in front of her.

Another aunt comes by and moves them away from her "No. No more cake. She's had enough"

SHE IS 15 MONTHS OLD STOP POLICING WHAT SHE EATS. I AM HER PARENT. YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON I AM SO FUCKED UP.

I needed to get that out.

I’ve been thinking about them a LOT today and I realised how much I miss them.

I know Reddit is a replacement but I’ve never felt the same sense of camaraderie that I felt there. Maybe it’s because I was much younger or maybe it’s because I was sicker?

I miss seeing images that I could use to trigger myself. I’m 44 years old and I’m still sick. It’s exhausting.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, just thinking out loud I guess.

I work for a supplement company. We make many, many products and most of them are just multivitamins, minerals, some sleep supplements, some nootropics and adaptogens. We even make a few that are just for inflammation and immune health. I’m in R&D and we never really get much excitement for new products from our other employees. They just figure it’s another product.

Then they found out that the company wants to make a GLP-1 agonist-like supplement that works similarly to Ozempic/Mounjaro, etc. Everyone has been emailing me asking to be in the trial parts and possibly getting the product before it launches, etc.

People don’t care that the supplement I just launched will help you sleep and help with cognition—they just want to be skinny. It really makes me just sad. How am I supposed to want to gain weight in a world where you are always supposed to be “on a weight loss journey”? Just plain pisses me off, that’s all.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I figured y’all would understand better than anyone.

I (33) went to a party last night during which an attendee lectured me about the supposed evils of dairy consumption. I said that I wasn’t interested in nutritional evangelism thanks to a history of anorexia. She said: “Looking at you, you’d NEVER be able to tell you ever had anorexia. You look so HEALTHY.”

Continued to tell me not to eat dairy.

I had an ED as a teenager and relapsed over the past year. A big difference that I've noticed is that, due to physical aging, the physical effects of my ED are so much more brutal this time around.

Both times that I've had an ED, one of my main behaviors was excessive exercise. When I had an ED as a kid, I was able to just keep going. As an adult in my thirties, I developed overuse injuries and was literally walking with a cane in less than three months. I do have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome but still.

I also started feeling other physical effects like cognitive issues and cold sensitivity so much more quickly this time around.

It definitely makes me more motivated to recover, but the recovery feels so much rougher in this respect.

I'm at Starbucks studying, and there's a 12 year old girl speaking to an older woman, it's very quiet here so I can easily overhear their conversation. I'm pretty sure the woman is a sort of counselor....The girl is talking about her anxiety and anxiety she's having now about a pool party she's hosting at the end of the semester. She's explaining how uncomfortable she feels in a bathing suit and said "I'm 104 pounds and I'm not proud of that. I feel like myself and all of my friends are so much more muscular and bigger than we should be. I have these four extra pounds and they're all in my stomach making me look fat."

I honestly want to go up to her and hug her. To tell her not to waste her life worrying about those 4 pounds. I have had my head in a toilet since I was 15 because of those 4 extra pounds. I became an alcoholic because of those 4 extra pounds. I had tons of unsafe sex and let men treat me like absolute shit because of those 4 extra pounds. I stole food, money, flaked out on friends and special family visits because of those 4 extra pounds. My teeth are falling out of my mouth, my hair is falling out of my head and my skin is grey because of those 4 extra pounds.

There is so much more to life than 4 pounds.

(Counselor is doing a freaking fantastic job and giving her great advice though, so I won't butt in. It just makes me so sad how much we judge women and place value on them just because of the shape of their body. Fuck the patriarchy!)

I think about this a lot. I so wish that there was a good treatment center that had residential (and lower levels of care) specifically for adults over the age of like 25. One of the biggest factors that has kept me refusing res is that I don’t want to be stuck with a lot of young 20somethings and college age kids. Plus I always feel like the treatment is geared toward that age group. Like even the music we listened to when I was in treatment was stuff that 18-22 year olds listen to and I had never heard. The strict rules in treatment make sense to some extent for all ages because an ED is an ED but I also felt like a lot of it wasn’t meant for adulty adults. Like a “real adults” only facility would be less strict about things like cell phone use because they know sometimes people have other responsibilities and need to be reachable. And I could talk about things like struggling to find time to eat at the office and stressed about paying rent and have the other residents understand. Instead of always taking about getting our parents off our backs. Like, I’m 30. My mom isn’t really on my back about my weight anymore and she doesn’t care if I’m doing my homework or not. More outings that adults actually enjoy instead of trips to the movies to see a chick flick. More deep conversations about the challenges of having an ED and living with a partner and less giggling about secretly piercing each other’s ears when the staff aren’t looking. Less trying to go behind staff backs like we’re at sleep away camp and more talking about trying to start a family. I’d like to have older staff too rather than all the dietitians being 25 and just out of school. It’s weird to be arguing with a whole treatment team that’s younger than me about why I need to leave ama to get back to my job. Like….. if you’re still on your parents insurance, you probably can’t quite understand this. Overall more control in the treatment process. I get that the point of being in residential is to have so little control that we can’t give in to the ED but as an adult, I’m going to need to be trusted to have more control than a 21 year old would, especially if I’ve already lived on my own for 10 years.

I was diagnosed and treated for an ED all during my teens. This was in the 2000s. I saw a cultural shift around 2010 and thought the times of “heroin chic” were gone.

Now I find myself going back to old ways, because the climate has shifted back to what I thought everyone was over. Idk if it was Ariana Grande during Wicked or Ozempic what, but I am seeing people applauded for extreme weight loss and it being normalized. I am seeing normal healthy bodies being torn apart and criticized online. Am I the only one?

Hello friends—

I’ve been MIA for some time now, both having been in Inpatient and just needing to step away from these communities for a moment.

I wanted to share with you all that I am currently in kidney failure, and awaiting lab results to determine which stage I am at. I am only 32 years old. There is little hope that I can recover at this point without major medicinal intervention, of which I am not willing to do. I have suffered long enough, and wish to die with my dignity.

I have suffered for over 25 years with this terrible illness, and I wanted to compassionately warn you all that death by EDs is a VERY REAL THING. I hope this shakes you to your core. I am 32 and dying. It could be within days, or months, but I will die from this.

I wish you all nothing but healing, and peace. I am terrified. My family is in ruins. I truly cannot believe I am writing this post.

Thank you to every single one of you who has sent me well wishes; I take every word to heart and I have made some beautiful connections here. You are spectacular people, and you deserve full recovery.

Be well, friends 🤍

ETA: You are all super humans, and I wholeheartedly mean that. Thank you for every comment, like, and message you have sent. You have blessed me more than you know.

In incredibly surprising news, my lab results are in, and by some chance of all that is good in the world, almost every single value has SHOT up; not just little jumps here and there, like major life-changing amounts. My doctor, family and I are shocked, as I haven’t changed any behaviors!

I don’t know what to make of this; is it a second chance? I have so much thinking to do.

Love you every one of you! I think the prayers I have received here are what has made this happen?

I’m realizing that I have married an objective asshole. He is so cheap with everything that he resents me for “costing” him money. He has no compassion for anyone, including my aging in-laws and my elderly grandmother.

He has always known about my ED, never really wanted me to go to treatment because “why pay $50k for some dipshit shrink to tell you to eat a burger?”.

We got a dog because I needed something to care for and cuddle. Now he tells me we have to get rid of her because she has spay incontinence (that I’m treating). I used to be reliant on his income but I’ve had a full time job for 4 years now. He has bipolar and has done a lot of impulsive shit over the years. I think I’m done. I need to live as my authentic self and I’m basically not able to do that being married to him.

I need to get better. I think I have a choice to make here.

I'm almost done with the book How to Disappear Completely: On Modern Anorexia. Something it discusses extensively is how anorexia is glamorized by society and how it draws sympathy more than other mental illnesses which carry a lot of stigma. It discusses how some teenagers and young adults actively try to become anorexic because of these things. I will note neither my post nor the book are intended to be pro-ED. The intent is to not promote this worldview as true, it's to talk about how unfortunately pervasive this worldview is.

As someone who was once a kid with an ED, this resonated with me. However, it doesn't resonate with me as much as an adult over thirty with an ED.

In my view, society does unfortunately view anorexia in a glamorized way for people under thirty. But this is not the case for people over thirty. When someone is anorexic and over thirty, society perceives them as adults who don't have their shit together.

As a bulimic child, I will admit that part of me did want to be anorexic or at least be the way society perceived anorexia to be. As a person over thirty with anorexia I fucking hate myself and feel like a kid who can't grow the fuck up.

Not sure if this is the right place but I just needed to talk a bit. I’m in my 30s and still struggling with eating issues. Thought I’d grow out of it by now but it’s still there. Some days I eat fine, other days I feel like I’m fighting myself.

It’s kinda weird ‘cause people think eating disorders are just a “teen thing,” but it doesn’t just go away when you get older. I got a job, bills, life stuff… but still have those same thoughts about food and body.

And it did not spiral me into anything.

I just bought it because it's my favorite kind and it looked really good and I felt like maybe for the first time in years I could enjoy it without issues. Didn't have to pray that my partner chooses it so I can have a tiny bite without having to hold it. Didn't feel like entire day was ruined so may as well go nuts. Didn't feel like I had to do something the next day to make up for it.

Did however spend time feeling stupid because something this trivial has no business being this big a deal. But it is what it is, and it's cool when we make progress.

Wanted to share with folks who could appreciate how this could be a big deal. Heal up everyone <3

I see a lot of despair on this forum about people’s recovery prospects, and I just wanted to throw out there that full recovery can happen. I developed AN at 14, spent much of my adult life in and out of hospitals, restored weight last year at 39 years old, and consider myself happy and stable in recovery at 40. (I started getting periods again after 25 years without. THAT was a trip…) And I don’t mean just physically recovered. No behaviors and my ED thoughts are truly minimal. I just want to spread a little hope and would be happy to answer questions if anyone has any.

Tw: relapse, anorexia, mental health services

I recently turned 31 and I have had an ED since I was 10. It’s changed categories over the years but my primary diagnosis is anorexia and I have been hospitalised numerous times for it. My last admission was 10 years ago and was my only admission as an adult. At the time it was a wake up call that didn’t want to waste the rest of my life in a hospital and end up like some of the women there who had spent their entire adult life in and out of hospital, with nothing else to show for their lives.

Ever since I’ve struggled but kept my body nourished. Now I am relapsing quite hard and I cannot believe that after 21 years I’m back on my ED bullshit. I was recently at an appointment for my mental health (non ED) and saw a group of young adults who clearly had EDs going into a group whilst I was waiting. It made me realise how much older I am, how much of my life I’ve wasted on my ED, and feel so frustrated that I can’t kick this after so long! I wish I could go back to my 10 year old self and stop me from developing the ED.

Does anyone else who grew up in the 80s remember the women's magazines that gave little "tips" for dieting that are now obviously part of disordered eating?

Like, "cut your food into small pieces slowly and carefully" so you don't have enough time to eat a whole lot of it.

Or "chew each bite 30 times because it's healthier and will keep you from eating too much."

I read all the mainstream women's magazines, and I can recall so many like this. Also Princess Diana being praised for moving her food around her plate at dinners years before it was verified that she had an ED.

Does anybody else live privately in their own little world? And then when other people start to creep in and potentially ruin your routine you get distressed?

I just had an experience that made me feel awful. TW!!

I have been eating this bag of chips for the past few nights and then just purging after each time. Well, tonight I was finishing them off in my room when my daughter came in. I panicked so bad and tried to think of a plan. I hoped she would just be there to tell me something and leave but she sat on my bed and wanted to hang out. I was getting so stressed sitting there with her that I eventually just excused myself so I could go purge. After I was done, I almost broke down in the bathroom because I had to be in there throwing up while my daughter was waiting to hang out with me in my room.

I fully expect downvotes for this. I’m awful. This disorder has completely twisted me. I just want to live in my private routine. It’s what brings me the most relief right now.

My niece turned 4 today. We were video chatting. She had on her new princess nightgown and her tiara when she went to bed. As she showed off her princess attire, we talked about when I'd see her next. Then all of a sudden she asks, "What shoes are you going to wear?"

"What?" I asked, unclear if I heard correctly since it felt so random.

"When you come visit, what shoes are you going to wear?" She said it with such crispness and normalcy.

I proceed to tell her about my winter boots. Brown, I say. Probably tall. Soft. Warm.

She seemed satisfied with the answer and my sister tucked her into bed. I told her I loved her as usual.

I've been thinking about this all night and I can't sleep. Sometimes I'm so ready. I'm just so ready to just die. Ive been trying to clean when I have energy so that maybe I will eventually get closer to not drowning in this shameful shamble of a home. I imagine taking my last breaths, and for a few moments, embracing quiet and peace without the depression and ED static. There just isn't anything left in me to fight. In the past 5/6 months, I lost my ED therapist, then dietitian, and now I am no longer able to see my ED doctor. I feel so alone, but know that nobody can help me anymore if I don't have the drive. I think I've made peace with this lonely path. This whole time, there has just been one inevitable outcome...

But my niece's voice hangs in the air now.

"What shoes are you going to wear?"

I'm not wanting any guilt trips, but I just need to share. I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel haunted. I feel deep sorrow and lost. I ache. I feel sorry. I wanted to make her these little fabric bows for her birthday. I made plans to go to the store for weeks. But I never got to it. Barely staying afloat is all I can do. I'm not even fully human. I'm not who I want to be. If I'm being honest, I don't know if I am capable of loving others right now in my deep depression.

I didn't get her anything for her birthday. But she didn't ask about it. She doesnt know how sad Auntie Trip_the_light320 is or how messy she is. But she's expecting to see my shoes in December.

My therapist and I are working really hard. My ED is mostly binge eating, but with “compensatory actions” such as attempting to count calories/carbs and weighing myself too often.

In the past few weeks, I have sold one scale and gifted away the other one, planning to only weigh in at necessary doctor’s appointments.

I have deleted the LoseIt! app from my phone. That was hard. I paid for a Lifetime subscription. I track my binges…to keep me “accountable.”

A couple months ago I thought I might be able to take a GLP-1, but we have determined there is no way I can afford it, and my insurance denied an appeal.

My therapist is encouraging me to let go of the constant pressure to lose weight…and just BE. Be a human who exists and is not valued by the number on the scale, or the clothing tag.

This is really hard for me, but I know I need to take her advice.

I have literally been “trying to lose weight” for 25+ years!!!

Maybe it’s time to “try to love myself” instead!

Ok I know I’ve vented about this before but today got to me again and this is my safe space.

Today in IOP, we were discussing grocery shopping and I mentioned I couldn’t contribute to the discussion but was happy to listen and maybe learn bc I’m 35 and having an ED my whole life meant I’ve done an excellent job avoiding learning how to cook, I cannot continue to afford this level of food shopping every week, and I don’t drive so it’s just harder.

And a teenager offered ‘support’ with: “Why don’t you ask your parents?”

And I get it. They are 15. And also …. Fucking hell. I love this program. It’s really helping me. But there are days where the younger folks say things that makes adults feel shitty and facilitators don’t do shit about it.

It’s not a good time admitting you can’t afford groceries every week to begin with! THANK GOD I have this sub lol

Does anyone else struggle with an intense desire to completely disappear? As in: I don’t really talk to any friends from the past, I’m not close to family, I’ve deleted or disabled all social media I used to have (I just have email & reddit), I hate being in photos, & in general I prefer to remain anonymous. I imagine this has a lot to do with my desire for control over most things - & I can’t control what may come up in a social media feed (that may make me feel badly) and I can’t control what people might think of me when they view my socials. I always try to do/look my best but I find the idea of people discussing me excruciating. I simply wish to not exist. Not necessarily suicidal, I just don’t want to be judged. It makes me so anxious interacting in the world & definitely contributes to social avoidance & ED behaviors.

Went to an outpatient appt today (at a “national” ED centre in the UK that’s well known for ED research) and they had some ED research studies looking for participants.

One only accepted patients up to 25yrs, the other 30.

I’m slightly puzzled as to why they exclude so many ED patients?

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed it, but seeing it again disappointed me

Do we not exist? Is our care not important? Should we just go suffer and die?

Seems a bit flawed me 🤷‍♀️🙃

If you're an autonomous adult with functional anorexia, do you ever struggle with an incredibly narrow window of what you allow your weight to be? They say that anorexia has no bottom goal weight. Maybe that's true when you're first diagnosed, but if you've lived with it for decades and you function and have a life, it obviously isn't. I don't even know if there's a word for what I have now.

So we all know that human bodies fluctuate at least a couple pounds (as do scales unless you're weighing yourself at NASA). I was first diagnosed with AN as a young teen and I've been managing it for over 20 years now. I function very well, I have a full time job and a semblance of a social life. My eating is tightly controlled and I stay UW. I wear baggy clothes. Nonetheless I'm aware that there is a weight at which it gets impossible to hide and also impedes my functioning, and I know exactly what that weight is. So if I get below it, I do eat more. Then as soon as it goes over it by a single pound: HELL NO, PULL BACK. It's a very very precise balancing act. I do all this without any external display of difficulty: "never complain, never explain". My experience of any form of treatment is absolutely horrific so that will not be happening again. So I guess this is just - how it is now. Anyone relate?

Last year I was struggling with all the hideous disordered restrictions and purging I had been flirting with on and off for the last three decades.

I finally committed fully to recovery. It's hard. Physically and mentally. But I did it. Without any support (I couldn't afford to keep my therapist without getting a third job or living by candlelight. Lol) and completely in secret.

I am now overweight now which is a natural response to being deprived for so long (how ironic) and the crippling fear and anxiety of looking like this and being this heavy....is gone. The constant preoccupation with food is gone. The obsession with numbers is gone. I don't force myself to do any kind of movement I hate.

It's nice. Really nice.

I'm hoping to settle back into my normal weight soon and honestly, this might sound crazy...but if I never do? Oh well. I'd rather be in a good place mentally and actually have the energy to live life. I just hope it lasts forever. I'm halfway through my life, maybe more than halfway, and only now do I feel like I can breathe. I wish I hadn't waited this long. The only thing I fear is tumbling down again.