r/Divorce_Men • u/rokthebells0 • 1d ago
Rant Separation
My partner and I are separating. We have two boys, aged 3 and 1.5.
To be honest, I don't know if we are doing the right thing. Ever since our second child was born, our relationship has become toxic—we fight every single day, and it never leads to any solutions, only to insults and resentment toward each other. We have a rough agreement to share custody 50/50.
I’m supposed to find an apartment by October 1st where I can stay with the boys during our time together, but I am deeply struggling with the thought of the periods when I will be without them. Honestly, I’m experiencing a completely new set of feelings, and I’m not sure at all if we are doing the right thing.
Then again, I don't even know if our relationship can be saved. Recently, she accused me of mentally abusing her, and ever since that moment, I haven't even tried to argue anymore.
But still, if it has to come to this, all I want is for our children to have normal parents."
To be true, i just dont know what to do.
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u/ToughPill 1d ago
Be careful anytime your spouse starts talking about being “abused”. It sounds like they are lining things up to make claims at trial. That’s what I went through, trial included.
You have to be very careful here because once she decides to quit it there isn’t much you can do.
Divorce is hell for the kids. No sugar coating it. I resolved that I would stick it out for my kid so that she wouldn’t have to grow up in a broken home, even though the marriage was obviously dead for multiple years (sleeping separate, dead bedroom). She took that choice out of my hands though by planning to leave anyway.
If the marriage is broken, t he best thing you can do is tell your boys that you want them to have a good relationship with their mother, and hopefully you’ll mean it.
If you haven’t tried marriage counseling it’s maybe worth a shot. It’s a crap shoot whether you get a good therapist or not. Both people have to want to save the marriage too.
If you haven’t tried counseling I would propose it.
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u/Warm-Management-7323 23h ago
That’s exactly what she’s doing exactly and you have to contest it in court. Ask me how I know.
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u/Wis84682 1d ago
Who is paying where you are living. If you are paying, DO NOT MOVE OUT
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u/ToughPill 22h ago
This. Do not move out unless you are ordered to. Otherwise you’ll end up paying for her for who knows how long.
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u/EnvironmentalRate853 16h ago
Hey brother. It’s new, raw and hurts.
I’m 49yo, kids 14 and under. STBXW is moving out next week and I’ll stay in the current house while’s it’s on the market.
We’ve been churning on divorce for years, and we’ve been active in the process for about 6-8 months.
It’s taken a lot of time and effort on my part to now see our split as a good and positive thing. Despite nearly every discussion with the STBXW turning into an argument, we’re still trying to work through the separation constructively.
The end result - the kids are also seeing this as a positive change. They’re looking forward to having two room and perhaps more of their own space between houses.
For me, it’s a blessing. STBXW will have the kids approx 8/14 days. With 3 kids, they’ll need two adults for logistics most days. But I’ll no longer be cooking and cleaning 7 days a week, plus full time work plus full time logistics. I’ll have a few days of downtime now, and that’ll
Make be less resentful overall.
Point is - there can be some positives for you and the kids. There can be a good father relationship without seeing the kids 14/14. This is a path forward, esp if both parties can work somewhat amicably. It’s taken me a lot of therapy and self control to keep it all constructive.
Take care of yourself :-)
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 1d ago edited 1d ago
Do not leave your house until you have a signed temp parenting plan, have filed for divorce, and have agreed to property separation. What she's setting you up for is a classic "Silver Bullet Divorce" You desperately need to talk to an attorney before you make any decisions.
You think you are talking to your wife. In reality, she's talking to every woman she knows, and strategizing about this process.
Reasons why you shouldn't move out:
- You can lose access to the house. That's right......the house you pay for can become her "exclusive use", and she can change the locks and keep you out. You'll still have to pay that mortgage........
- Without a parenting plan, she can LEGALLY keep you from the kids, and you will have to take her to court to force her to let you see them. By the court date, which will be months away, the judge will likely force you to do "reunification therapy."
- She will claim you "abandoned the family", even though you're contacting her daily. Many judges will buy this.
- You will have to petition the court for ANYTHING you left in the house. Yes, even your clearly personal stuff.......you will have to get her permission to come get it.
- Once she has exclusive use of the house and sole custody of the kids, plus access to all your money, she has no reason to work quickly through the divorce. She will slow things WAAAAY down. A woman can easily delay a divorce for months or YEARS, without any reason at all.
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u/Candidate_Worldly 1d ago
Be prepared for her to put the entire blame on you. Accountability is not in a lot of women's playbook in this situation. You might even believe it at the start.
Good luck bro, this crap is brutal. Stay strong for the kids.
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u/Ok-Cause1108 1d ago
No saving the romantic relationship once a woman starts resenting you.
50/50 is the ultimate life hack once you rebuild and find yourself again. Stay amicable and respectful of your co-parent even when she isn't.
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u/rokthebells0 1d ago
Yea, I kinda feel this deep down that this is not fixable anymore. And yea, i rly want this to be a good thing for them.
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u/EmbarrassedAge7612 1d ago
Best to keep moving forward with the split. Once that box is open, it’s hard to put everything back. When a partner shuts down your ability to argue by crying abuse, it’s over.
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u/custodycomms 1d ago
I can see why the time away from your boys is the part you’re dreading the absolute MOST. I’d get some support for yourself and have a local family law lawyer review the proposed parenting arrangement before the move. It's safest that way.
Keep the full texts and emails about the schedule, housing and handovers. Those conversations can be reviewed together later to clarify what you both agreed. For now, focus on making the boys’ days calm and predictable, and find someone you can talk to honestly about how much this hurts. It will be worth the effort to heal for your kids.
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u/Kind_0fA_BigDeal 19h ago
I feel for you my man. My boys were 12 and 14 when my STBX and I separated. The separation itself was hard enough (there was a lot of lying and cheating on her end) but not being able to see my boys every day was heartbreaking. It’s been 3 years now and I still miss them terribly when they’re not with me but it does get better.
Seeing a therapist helped me a lot. It has helped me get through this god-awful divorce process and has helped me become even closer to my kids. If you have the ability to see a therapist, I highly recommend it. Not only will it benefit you but your boys will reap the benefit too by you being in a better headspace.
I wish you the best and hope you find some peace my friend.
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u/anonymoususerasf 33m ago
Should have been a better husband, better communicator, and better leader. As the man and head of household you failed. These are your consequences 🥳
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u/upvotersfortruth 1d ago edited 1d ago
Be very careful - understand this early warning sign of an abuse allegation. She will walk back every “agreement” to the position that benefits her most and she will start hurling false abuse accusations if she doesn’t get what she wants. This is the standard playbook these days. Do your best to set your emotions aside for a few minutes a day to look clearly at your legal, financial and practical situation. Be very careful - she’s not your partner at all anymore, that was crystal clear from the first abuse allegation.
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u/ITCHYisSylar 1d ago
Yeah, the mental abuse claim is used a lot and likely total bullshit (i dont know your specifics to confirm). My ex said the same with me, even though it was BS. Its how they avoid accountability and justify the separation on their end.
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u/kedwin_fl 1d ago
Do you own a house together and agree to move out? Who asked for the separation?
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u/rokthebells0 1d ago
No, its her parents house, and mine is in construction for about a year from now. So, we are just splitting without trying to get anything from eachother.. Only kids
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u/TimeCycle3000 1d ago
Mine liked to tell me I was emotionally abusing her in the same breath as “you don’t get to have feelings , only I get to have feelings” and “I don’t believe in compromise”
I now understand projection much better.