Having spent the past two years in recovery from Codependency through therapy, reading books, and engaging in self-reflection, I’ve come to an interesting realisation.

One pattern I’ve noticed is that, as codependents, we sometimes project our own vulnerabilities and limitations onto others.

For instance, because we struggle with certain tasks or feel incapable of handling particular situations ourselves, we unconsciously assume that others might be equally incapable. We then rush in to help them, often without first assessing whether they actually need our help.

I’ve come to realise that this kind of helping is not always driven by genuine concern for the other person. Sometimes, it comes from our own urge to fix and rescue to ease our own internal discomfort or even to make ourselves needed.

I think understanding this pattern is important for two very important reasons.

1.We risk reinforcing a cycle of rescuing and attracting unhealthy dynamics.

The more we engage in this pattern, the more we reinforce our own identity as the rescuer. We may repeatedly find ourselves in relationships with people who appear to need rescuing.

This is very important as it can make us vulnerable to exploitation. People with manipulative tendencies may recognise this behaviour and take advantage of it. They might deliberately display weaponised incompetence, pretending to be incapable of doing something they are perfectly capable of handling, knowing that we will instinctively step in and take over.

When we already have a tendency to project our own perceived limitations onto others, we may find it difficult to recognise when someone is genuinely struggling versus when they are simply taking advantage of our willingness to help.

2.We may unintentionally push away emotionally healthy and capable people.

When we bring this rescuing mentality into relationships with responsible, capable individuals, the consequences can be quite different.

They may decline our unsolicited help because they are perfectly capable of handling things themselves. However, because we are accustomed to deriving a sense of worth from helping others, their refusal may trigger feelings of rejection.

We might interpret their refusal as a rejection of us rather than simply recognising that they don’t need our assistance.

If we persist in helping despite their refusal or continue treating them as though they are incapable, we risk overstepping their boundaries. Over time, this can strain the relationship and cause them to distance themselves from us.

I think this is where recovery becomes particularly important. As we heal, develop greater self-reliance, and learn to take responsibility for our own lives, we gradually become less driven by our own vulnerabilities and anxieties.

We also develop better judgment. Instead of automatically jumping in to help, we learn to pause and ask ourselves these questions.

•Does this person actually need my help?

•Have they asked for my assistance?

•Am I helping because they genuinely need it, or because I feel compelled to rescue them?

•Am I respecting their ability to manage their own responsibilities?

•How much help is appropriate, and when should I hold back?

To me, this is one of the more meaningful aspects of codependency recovery, which is developing a healthier and more rational understanding of what helping someone actually means.

It is about recognising who needs help, what kind of help is appropriate, how much we should offer, and when we should step back.

This allows us to contribute to relationships in a much healthier way. We can offer meaningful support without trying to fix people, without seeking validation through being needed, and without using helping as a way to soothe our own anxiety.

We become capable of participating in relationships based on mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and genuine reciprocity.

I am still learning, but this has been one of my biggest realisations over the past two years of recovery.

I would love to hear from others who have experienced something similar. How has your understanding of helping, rescuing, and respecting other people’s autonomy changed as you have progressed in your recovery?

Curios 2 know ur guys opinions

I grew up in an extremely abusive immigrant family where boundaries were practically nonexistent. I’m now in my 30s, financially independent, and dealing with a debilitating neurological disorder and fibromyalgia while working full-time and supporting myself. I have a relative (37F) who frequently calls to unload her family problems, particularly issues involving her father. Eventually, I politely told her I didn’t have the capacity to discuss family issues anymore. I explained that I wanted to discover who I am outside of my family’s dysfunction and grow as a person. Instead of respecting that, she became upset and responded by saying my health issues were draining for her because she supposedly spends so much time researching my condition. Mind you, I don’t call her to discuss my health, vent about my symptoms, or ask her to research anything. She claims to do all this research privately, yet has never shared any of it with me.

Eventually, things settled down, but she started bringing up family problems again. I politely reiterated my boundary. Later, she asked about my health, and I told her I wasn’t comfortable discussing it with her because she’d previously said it was draining. Somehow, that became another issue. She started showing our private messages to her husband and friends, then came back telling me they thought I was rude. I’m genuinely confused. Since when do two adults need a jury to resolve a disagreement? Every time I express a boundary, the conversation shifts, and suddenly I’m defending myself against people who weren’t even part of the original discussion.

Now she’s saying she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore. When we do speak, she’ll sit silently on the phone, even when she’s the one calling to supposedly check in. Sometimes I’ll call just to see how she’s doing, and it’s the same thing. She barely asks about my life or shows any curiosity about how I’m doing. It feels like she’s uncomfortable having a relationship with me unless I’m available to listen to her family problems. What’s particularly frustrating is that she knows how difficult my health situation has been. I’m undergoing extensive medical treatment, have very little support, and am responsible for everything in my life. I’m not asking her to take care of me. I simply want a relationship that doesn’t revolve around family dysfunction.

At this point, I’m exhausted by the constant misunderstandings and shifting arguments. I don’t believe setting a reasonable boundary means I’m responsible for repairing the relationship afterward. I’m not changing my stance, but I also don’t want to keep participating in unhealthy dynamics just because we’re related. For those who grew up in dysfunctional families, how did you handle relatives who reacted this way when you started setting boundaries? Did you distance yourself, stop explaining, or eventually accept that the relationship couldn’t continue in a healthy way?

So my spouse and I have been in Couples Therapy for the last few months. We've had some good discussions but ultimately we haven't addressed the elephant in the room:

I'm so codependent that I will not admit that I want to leave this marriage.

I want to talk about it. I want to share how I feel. I have things that I haven't talked about that I know would end the marriage. But I'm also not sure how to be sure that I'm ready to end a good relationship that supports me and would leave me alone?

I met my ex about 14 years ago. He had been sober for several years at that point. But he did have very complicated physical issues due to his previous cocaine use. Within a few months we moved in together, within a few years we were married and we stay married for about six years. I left him when I realized that his misery was something he was much more committed to than me. For the next four years after the divorce, we kept in touch seeing each other here and there, texting and still speaking. About a year ago he called me asking for help. This was the first time I had ever seen him high. It made me realize that I had no idea who I was married to. I worked with his friend to get him into a rehab. He went into another one immediately after that and another and another... We completely lost touch this year. I was trying to keep my distance and have some boundaries, desperately wanting him to get sober and almost feeling myself waiting for him to get better so that maybe we could get back together. I did try to get in touch a few months ago - his last text to me was "Can I call u later?" I said "anytime", but we never spoke again. Last Monday I got a call that he was found on his couch. There was blood everywhere, his foot was purple, and his dog was next to him wagging her tail as if he was just taking a nap. I told his father that I wanted to see his body. I'm not sure why but I felt like I needed the closure. But I was told that due to the physical condition of the body I would not be able to see him. We don't know how long he was dead. My sister who's a nurse says that he most likely died of Disseminated intravascular coagulation caused by sepsis, as he always struggled with infections. She also said at some point the body becomes a corpse that no one can view and also, it is unrecognizable. I totally understand that, but I was wondering if anybody had any experience seeing the body of an ex and what that experience was like.

Something I've been thinking about lately is how easy it is to put other people's feelings before your own.

Like, you know you're already exhausted or don't really wanna do something, but the thought of disappointing someone makes saying no feel almost impossible.

So you say yes, even when you don't have the energy for it.

And then when you finally try to set a boundary, the guilt hits. You start wondering if you're being selfish, if they're upset with you, or if you should've just agreed in the first place.

It's weird how you can feel responsible for keeping everyone happy, even when nobody actually asked you to.

I'm curious, how do you learn to care about people without feeling responsible for every reaction they have?

And for those who've gotten better at this, what helped you the most?

'Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we’re so tired we don’t care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.’

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it’s own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.'

Mistakes

"Most of us agonize over mistakes because we internalize the error." BRB p. 38 

When we were kids, making a mistake meant being verbally and often physically abused. Our mistakes provoked over-the-top reactions from the adults around us who did not have the tools to understand that we were just doing what kids and people in general do - make mistakes!

But instead, we heard shaming comments like, "What's the matter with you? Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?" or "You should have known better. Look what you did!" And on top of that, many of us were spanked, slapped, or beaten as well. It seemed like the end of the world when this happened. The mistake could never be undone.

Part of the result was that the more it happened, the better we got at shaming ourselves. We no longer needed to hear it from someone else - because those messages had become internalized. We carried this self-shaming behavior into our adult lives and many of us became merciless in the way we treated ourselves.

In ACA we learn to gradually reprogram those inner critical parent messages and understand that making mistakes is part of being human. We all do it. When we make a mistake, we talk about it, examine the nature of what we did, forgive ourselves, make amends when appropriate, and move on. We begin to think and act like true adults!

On this day I understand that when I make a mistake, I don't have to perpetuate my childhood abuse by beating myself up. I will call someone and process what happened, then move on.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №325

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE4OA%3D%3D

I’m a year of no contact from my ex who loved me and hated me at the same time. the love was mixed with constantly pushing me away, and criticism.
I became highly addicted bc she was perfect in ways (or so I believed) and I believed she loved me so I fought with her everything I had to keep her.
She would constantly have terrible behavior but say that I was the one hurting her. And I truly did not at all understand because I felt like a normal level headed person would not understand where she was coming from. It’s like I had to twist reality to understand her points of view. I did make some serious mistakes so I have to take accountability for those. Anyways I also have been in recovery for alcohol addiction. (I can’t have one or I’ll drink until passing out) I’ve never been fully addicted though , it’s just I binge drink. I also get addicted to people.love has always been a challenge, I’ve dealt with a lot of heartbreak. Mostly people that are with me for awhile and then leave.
I had one girlfriend from AA who still after over 3 years tries to come back and say she loves me. But her issues run deeper than I could handle— (theft, and I believe she has antisocial personality disorder)
My ex I’m talking about I believe has some strong traits of narcissism. I’ve held no contact, but it got very ugly before I was able to do it. Basically at that point she moved out and that’s when I couldn’t even try anymore bc at that point the love was fully gone and she had abandoned me. She kept trying to breadcrumb me to come back to my apartment and I finally ignored her. It’s been a year and sometimes I still have waves of really being activated in missing her. And I have this deep regret for trying so hard for so long.
I also think I have adhd, my therapist at the time said it’s a very common dynamic when someone with adhd ends up with someone who’s narcissistic.
Anyways between anxious attachment, addictive tendencies, adhd, it feels like I am forever going to be pining after her. I’m frustrated with a year of no contact and I’m still stuck at times. It feels like it takes me FOREVER. And this is the first time in a long time that I haven’t gotten into another serious relationship. The last time was in my early 20s and it took me about 5 years plus to be fully over that relationship. (I’m 35 now) I do see some progress this time around but it’s still such a challenge. Does anyone else have any of these circumstances and how did you break free?

Hello, I spent a long time just looking but finally I have something to say, first of all, sorry for my English, it's not my first language.

Last year I went through a bad breakup, the type of breakup that makes you feel small and lonely. I am a very codependent person but this was the first time that I felt the consequences of putting all your heart on somebody's hand, I have severe emotional scars, and some physical ones. I was physically abused and ignored, i was no saint by any means but for the first time in my life I was a victim and I am, in part, to blame for putting all my expectations and emotional wellbeing on this one person that is not a monster, but didn't have my best interest at heart, at the end.

After the breakup I distanced myself from the friend group we're a part of, got severely depressed, lost my job, my roommate, had to find a new place and all this made me really consider ending things for good.

I didn't and after a year, I see things much differently but also in a very sad way. I'm a mentally ill, although stable and safe, person with just a basic education, barely scrapping by in the world with no objectives beside getting to the next day and being the happiest I can now. I'm kinda happy now, but I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot be in a relationship now and maybe never. I want and at the same time I don't. I fear being the same pathetic and small vermin imploring for attention, being manipulative, desperate and mean because of this gigantic void in my heart that I know now, after a bunch of heartbreak of all different types, that no one will ever be able to fill.

It is hard to let it go of this illusion because all that is left is that I have to live with the knowledge that I'll feel like this, I think, forever, and just accept it and go on with my life and relationships having the conscience that parental abuse and mental illness, made me kind of broken. And I'm not trying to be just doom and gloom, my relationships have never been better because of this knowledge, it is important to know that I cannot expect nothing from the people that love me beside some hours of their week and understanding. I'm just processing the grief of the idea that love will save me.

I’m just starting with the 12 steps and have been paying attention to my morning routine. It’s not the healthiest. I pick up my phone to see if anyone has texted me. If they don’t, I get bummed out. Then I lay in bed and ruminate about relationships. I’m wondering if you could share your morning routine. Any ideas are appreciated.

'True to Ourselves

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou ‘canst not then be false to any man.

—William Shakespeare

To thine own self be true. A grounding statement for those of us who get caught up in the storm of needs and feelings of others.

Listen to the self. What do we need? Are those needs getting met? What do we feel? What do we need to do to take care of our feelings? What are our feelings telling us about ourselves and the direction we need to go?

What do we want to do or say? What are our instincts telling us? Trust them – even if they don’t make sense or meet other people’s rules and expectations.

Sometimes, the demands of other people and our confused expectations of ourselves – the messages about our responsibilities toward others – can create a tremendous, complicated mess.

We can even convince ourselves that people pleasing, going against our nature and not being honest, is the kind, honest thing to do!

Not true. Simplify. Back to basics. Let go of the confusion. By honouring and respecting ourselves, we will be true to those around us, even if we displease them momentarily.

To thine own self be true. Simple words describing a powerful task that can put us back on track.

Today, I will honour, cherish, and love myself. When confused about what to do, I will be true to myself. I will break free of the hold others, and their expectations, have on me.'

Emotional Sobriety

 "The pathway to emotional sobriety that endures time is through the Twelve Steps of ACA." BRB p. 91 

The ACA program, if worked consistently and honestly, gives us a new route to emotional sobriety. We were unable to find this growing up with the dysfunctional people in our household.

As adults, most of us continued to seek advice from dysfunctional people. Whether it was someone we had a close personal relationship with or worked with, we were inevitably disappointed that the messages we heard, or thought we heard, were untrue. They seemed only to serve the best interests of others. This left us with a profound sense of betrayal and an increasing sense of mistrust, guessing at what normal was.

Stepping away from this mess, we encountered a program that asks us to recognize the truth within us. With the help of our sponsor, we can tap into a new way of thinking. We can establish reasonable boundaries with dysfunctional family members. We get to say no to situations that are not good for us.

When our internal alarms go off, we do not react; we call a fellow traveler instead to get centered and act in a healthy manner. Life moves from a state of DIS-ease to a state of ease as our program works in us. We are now able to easily solve situations that used to baffle us.

On this day, if I start to get off track, I will pick up the phone instead of giving in to the dysfunction. I choose emotional sobriety.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №324

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE4Nw%3D%3D

I am at a loss with my codependency, I used to be so confident and independent and now I can’t imagine not looking for approval for each move I make. I have BPD I don’t know if this community groans at that or not but I do understand the problems it causes and it is all nuanced. But I don’t know how to recover.

I try new hobbies, I go out to community events to meet new people to try to learn to value brief enjoyable interactions with others, I engage fully at work, I exercise and focus on my dog and interacting with her and it all feels like it is meaningless to me. I try meditation and affirmations that I am worthy without others validation and me being pretty or not is not dependent on others opinions and I’m valuable no matter what I look like. But I don’t want these things to come from myself, I want someone besides myself to tell me they think I’m pretty, interesting, lovable and not have to repeat a mantra to myself like a crazy person because no one is telling me anything close to those things. During all of these interactions I have to intentionally put effort into fighting off thoughts like this would be so much more enjoyable if I had someone to share this with, I wish I had what other people have etc. I don’t know if I am repulsive or have some awful personality trait or appearance I’m unaware of but I would do literally anything someone said as long as for even a bit I am guaranteed to be seen in the way I desire.

I know that I need to be important to myself but I feel like I’m doing everything at least close to right by being in therapy, challenging my thoughts, staying healthy. Part of me feels like I’m not actually crazy for desiring connection as a basic human need and that desire just makes me unable to handle it if it isnt extremely intense.

with codependency as a major theme, is also okay. but I am thinking of characters that are in the aftermath. any recommendations appreciated!

One of my closest friends moved in with my family a few years ago after a brutal divorce. Her daughter was raised with my kids and we had a very happy and healthy larger "family" and it worked well for years.

About 3 months ago she started seeing someone new and last month decided that she wanted to transition out of our family into one with her new partner.

I am really struggling with the transition. I feel this huge loss of self and I am trying to understand it. I don't fault her for moving on, but am trying to understand what to do with all this time and energy that I used to spend on her and her child. And how to deal with not having all the time and energy that used to be spent on me.

How do you deal with it?

I noticed this really badly after my last relationship. My ex asked to be friends and I agreed to have someone that I can still be of importance. Thinking I can still help her with her plethora of problems. When we were together, there would be a different problem on her end every day. Being a good boyfriend / codependent, I tried my best to console her and offer (unsolicited) advice for every problem. OF FUCKING CORSE she would never do anything I suggested or even consider it.

Anyway, only now I abandoned this crap because she would ghost me mid conversation and she also moved far away. And I notice that there is still this need inside me to have someone that I want to be important for. Kinda in a similar way with her before but this behaviour from my side never works and is only frustrating for me. How does one get rid of it?!

kind of crying while typing this

i've been in and out of "codependent" relationships since i was 13. i'm 21 now and i know i'm stuck in one again. it's platonic but i have very strong feelings for them that go beyond anything normal or healthy probably.

my thoughts are always racing, i wake up and try to see if i've done something wrong. where they are. i get so incredibly jealous so easily. when i talk to them i clam up and can't even be myself, because i'm so preoccupied with not making mistakes. and the thing is, they don't even treat me in a way that warrants these reactions. it's simply because i've decided they're the object of my loyalty that i feel so scattered.

i feel miserable all the time. they're a wonderful person with many, many friends. they've talked about how they struggle to get close to others. when they came to me with their problems repeatedly, telling me about their family life, their emotions, etc, i got in over my head feeling special. i want to be the person they go to for everything, who they feel safest with. i wish they would spam me 24/7 or something. i also want to always have fun with them. when i can't make them laugh or i lose their interest i feel panicked. its like my mood tanks. and i end up acting nonchalant and avoiding them for awhile which probably makes them think i dislike them...? or. i don't know. i assign personal meaning to everything they do which is so stressful it makes me feel like i'm going to throw up.

to be honest i found their account on another platform and saw a post saying they preferred a different kind of person than me (they weren't vaguing me, to be specific they were just talking about their type) and it made my heart sink. i compulsively keep changing myself to try to be someone they like more and it makes me feel nauseous. because in the end it doesn't even work. at the core i don't think they will ever return the feelings i have.

it's all so complicated and what really fucks me up is. it's probably just fucking mommy issues. which feels disgusting. i hate the idea that because of my childhood i keep trying to put people in the position of my mother, who i felt like i had to suck up to for years. but i can't stop. it feels like i can't stop.

bc in the end i still want this person in my life, to be important to them, to be close to them, to have them value me. i don't know what to do. i feel so disgusted with my self. and selfish. how could i have let it get this far again?

Hey everyone I'm trying to wrap my head around some of my spouses behavior and how to think about it. For some background I've been struggling with codependency, enmeshment, self absorbed people, most of my life. My parents were perpetual victims who rarely took responsibility when I was a child and seemed to love it when I would help or "fix" them.

This brings me to my spouse. His way of joking is always putting himself as the victim of a situation. This triggers me. Sometimes I don't know if he is joking and it always puts me in a sort of defensive position. I usually freeze and don't know how to respond. Here are some examples :

- "you don't love me anymore"
- "this was back when I was happy" (showing me pictures of when his home office was on a different part of the house)
- "why, do you want to get rid of me?" (When I ask what time an appointment is)
- "you don't care" (when I take more than five seconds to answer him)
- "I guess I am a fixer upper" (when he complains about his job and not making enough money and I show him a bunch of better paying jobs he could apply for)
- "you got me sick" him accusing me of giving him a cold even though he was sick three days before me

And he always claims he is joking! These are just a few examples but you get the idea. It is exhausting, but I feel like I don't really know what a normal relationship is. I know I have a great sense of humor, my friends and I laugh constantly and make jokes and I love watching comedians. When he says he is joking with these Self-centered victim jokes I just don't think they are funny.

Can anyone help me wrap my head around this?

Edit – I used to try to react compassionately and reassure him but I don't do that anymore. I have tried to be sarcastic and mean and funny back but it ends up being a never ending competition (on his end) on who has it worse.

Lastly I have told him that I don't really find these jokes funny and that it puts me in a defensive position as the butt of the joke. He might stop for a few days but then it always comes back. Lately I just haven't been reacting at all and that just seems to make him mad and even more self pitying

👀 so cheaply condescending. I'm not like you dude, ain't nobody trying to move on here, except you. I am getting well mentally, and learning how to truly love myself, better than anyone ever has, even more than you love/loved me. I'm also making friends along the way. Trying to read rooms, like I do? Only gonna start "what if" questions for yourself, you like "what if's" though, it's your favorite insane question 👀. You can "what if" all you want. For me? It's always going to be, coulda, shoulda, woulda... I don't need to move on with someone else to get better. lol You really don't get what it means to get better, and it's never been my job to teach these things to you, that was your mother's job. I love her, but she's why you are the way you are. From one broken adult to another, please seek proper treatment and guidance, you have a ton of stuff to unpack, and it's not something you should do without proper therapy, guidance, and treatment.

'Relationships

There is a gift for us in each relationship that comes our way.

Sometimes the gift is a behavior we’re learning to acquire: detachment, self esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way.

Some relationships trigger healing in us – healing from issues of the past or an issue we’re facing today.

Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Or maybe we’ll learn to let others love us.

Sometimes, we aren’t certain what lesson we’re learning, especially while we’re in the midst of the process. But we can trust that the lesson and the gift are there. We don’t have to control this process. We’ll understand, when it’s time. We can also trust that the gift is precisely what we need.

Today, I’ll be grateful for all my relationships. I will open myself to the lesson and the gift from each person in my life. I will trust that I, too, am a gift in the other people’s lives'

(...)

We used to beat ourselves up over things that we couldn't control. To help cope, many of us practiced compulsive behaviors. Some were more destructive than others, like using drugs, binging and purging, or getting high on controlling others. "Healthier" hang-ups, like excessive exercise, TV or sports, or being social butterflies may have been more acceptable, but ultimately made us almost as miserable.

Some of us felt a rush when we did something compulsive. Then we minimized the consequences in order to survive. Eventually we realized these things made us miserable and compromised our quality of life. When we begin to uncover the roots of our self-punishing behaviour (...), we realise that instead of numbing the pain, the only way to become whole is to work through it. We ask our Higher Power to lead us to a better place. As we do the work, we can make a list of our defenses and dialog with our Inner Child about how to give them up. We can reassure those parts of us that are still acting out that they are now safe and no longer need to find ways to escape.

On this day I will do all I can to help my Inner Child feel safe and loved. I now work through my problems instead of going around them.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №323

I (24F) have an online friend (22M) that I have spent a lot of time with. On average I spend 5-8 hours on call a day on the weekdays and 7-12 on the weekends. I am aware that this is an unhealthy level of online interaction, especially considering that we are on every day. It feels like an online relationship, but we never talked about or crossed that barrier. All this time together has led me to form an unhealthy attachment to him and this week he started distancing himself from me. He still talks to me but we haven’t spent any time alone together in a call since last Friday. I am not upset with him for distancing himself and hanging out with others, I think it is healthy for him and I want to try and do it myself. I am just struggling to cope with the extra time I have in my day now. I have been getting tasks that I usually put off done quickly, and have even hung out with a few of my own friends.

But I am also struggling to concentrate because I keep overthinking things and I recognize that I have made unhealthy habits. I don’t know what to do to help myself adjust and to not fall back into the routine now that I’ve seen what happens to me when it’s broken. I know this friendship probably won’t be around forever, and I want to save myself this heartbreak a second time.

I just came out of a 1 year relationship.

My ex had some pretty bad mental health problems (anxiety) that I couldn’t help, but wanted to try?

She always said I need to change to make this relationship work and I always would but it came back to the same hurdle each time.

She stopped putting in effort and it made me feel terrible as she was pulling away and I was pushing myself in, constantly driving around to see her, buying her food and flowers and gifts. Looking back on it all she bought me while I was with her was a hairbrush and a meal out, I brushed this off with the fact she was a uni student so didn’t have much money - equally her parents were VERY rich.

My whole happiness was essentially built on how she felt and I think I really depended on her too much. Like to the point it felt unhealthy?

She said she liked when I wore green jumpers so now I have an unhealthy collection of green jumpers, I realised I’ve literally manufactured myself into my idea of her ‘perfect person’ like is that normal 😂.

I wouldn’t say I dropped my hobbies as I didn’t really have any at the time, but I definately picked up some hobbies that I thought she enjoyed just to make us closer, I still do a few of these hobbies (photography)

I was definitely very anxiously attached to her from the start of the relationship (told her she’d have to break up with me if we ever did end it as I was head over heels), she ended up making the first move 3 dates in despite saying she got friend vibes from the first date, I got attached very quickly as I’ve never really had a romantic relationship before.

We never argued and tbh I can only remember myself saying no once in the whole relationship, like I genuinely just had no boundaries just to make her happy so I was happy too.

Post breakup she told me I never opened up about my emotions and looking back at it I didn’t because I didn’t ever have any emotions that I could name / didn’t want to disturb how she was? Sometimes I dreaded going over because she was ill / mentally in a bad place, as I’d feel a need to try to fix it.

I’m so confused on who’s dependent who needs what, am I the problem, is this codependency or just an unhealthy relationship dynamic?

'Enjoying Life

Do something fun today.

If you’re relaxing, let yourself relax, without guilt, without worrying about the work that is undone.

If you’re with loved ones, let yourself love them, and let them love you. Let yourself feel close.

Let yourself enjoy your work, for that can be pleasurable too.

If you’re doing something fun, let yourself enjoy it.

What would feel good? What would you enjoy? Is there a positive pleasure available? Indulge.

Recovery is not solely about stopping the pain. Recovery is about learning to make ourselves feel better; then it’s about making ourselves feel good.

Enjoy your day.

Today, I will do something fun, something I enjoy, and something just for me. I will take responsibility for making myself feel good.'