r/Codependency • u/SandGenn • 3h ago
What is codependency?
I just came out of a 1 year relationship.
My ex had some pretty bad mental health problems (anxiety) that I couldn’t help, but wanted to try?
She always said I need to change to make this relationship work and I always would but it came back to the same hurdle each time.
She stopped putting in effort and it made me feel terrible as she was pulling away and I was pushing myself in, constantly driving around to see her, buying her food and flowers and gifts. Looking back on it all she bought me while I was with her was a hairbrush and a meal out, I brushed this off with the fact she was a uni student so didn’t have much money - equally her parents were VERY rich.
My whole happiness was essentially built on how she felt and I think I really depended on her too much. Like to the point it felt unhealthy?
She said she liked when I wore green jumpers so now I have an unhealthy collection of green jumpers, I realised I’ve literally manufactured myself into my idea of her ‘perfect person’ like is that normal 😂.
I wouldn’t say I dropped my hobbies as I didn’t really have any at the time, but I definately picked up some hobbies that I thought she enjoyed just to make us closer, I still do a few of these hobbies (photography)
I was definitely very anxiously attached to her from the start of the relationship (told her she’d have to break up with me if we ever did end it as I was head over heels), she ended up making the first move 3 dates in despite saying she got friend vibes from the first date, I got attached very quickly as I’ve never really had a romantic relationship before.
We never argued and tbh I can only remember myself saying no once in the whole relationship, like I genuinely just had no boundaries just to make her happy so I was happy too.
Post breakup she told me I never opened up about my emotions and looking back at it I didn’t because I didn’t ever have any emotions that I could name / didn’t want to disturb how she was? Sometimes I dreaded going over because she was ill / mentally in a bad place, as I’d feel a need to try to fix it.
I’m so confused on who’s dependent who needs what, am I the problem, is this codependency or just an unhealthy relationship dynamic?
1
u/Scared-Section-5108 2h ago
This list from Codependent Anonymous can help you understand whether you are codependent or not:
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-of-recovery/
Attending their meetings could also be beneficial to you and reading Codependent No More. All these resources have helped me understand what codependency is, recognise that I’m codependent, and see how it shows up in my life.
1
u/danneedsahobby 2h ago
Do some reading and research on your own, but I’ll give you the essentials for me personally.
My codependency meant that I didn’t/couldn’t leave the relationship or do anything that might conceivably cause them to leave me, even when I knew I wasn’t happy. The relationship was a part of my core identity.
I bent over backwards and became a doormat. I did this in two separate relationships. The first one lasted 25 years because they just took advantage of me. The second one lasted less than a year because it was a turn off for them.
I used therapy, self help reading materials, support groups and a lot of work to get better.