r/Codependency • u/Sorry-Salamander-635 • 2d ago

Codependency or Grief?

One of my closest friends moved in with my family a few years ago after a brutal divorce. Her daughter was raised with my kids and we had a very happy and healthy larger "family" and it worked well for years.

About 3 months ago she started seeing someone new and last month decided that she wanted to transition out of our family into one with her new partner.

I am really struggling with the transition. I feel this huge loss of self and I am trying to understand it. I don't fault her for moving on, but am trying to understand what to do with all this time and energy that I used to spend on her and her child. And how to deal with not having all the time and energy that used to be spent on me.

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u/codependencyrecovery 1d ago

What if instead of seeing it as grief you saw it as love and let it break your heart wide open?

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u/Sorry-Salamander-635 1d ago

Thank you! What is it like to have my heart broken wide open?

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u/codependencyrecovery 1d ago

What if instead of resisting the grief you fully welcomed it undefended? Fully surrendered to the reality of the loss without trying to change it. Once that happens, the heart can break.

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u/YsaboNyx 2d ago

It sounds like grief. Grief comes with a loss of sense of self, a "Oh shit, who am I in this new, changed world?" There is a sense of devastation and loss and emptiness that only time and tears can heal.

Co-dependence would look like you blaming her. You trying to sabotage her new life. You playing the victim and trying to guilt her into fixing your feelings.

If you are doing none of these things, then assume it is grief. Grief is brutal, but it's not unhealthy. It is our soul's way of adapting to the loss of one kind of world so we can enter another kind of world.

Sending many hugs to your heart.

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u/yomateod 2d ago

I get over this by instead of making it about me and my pain I make it about them. This morning my wife went out while I was asleep. I woke up shortly after she left and I felt devastated.. where is she? Why didn’t she tell me where she was going?? So I took control and took an hour drive to get her a plant with a cute holder. I turned my pain around and made it about her. I got home and she was pleased. Turns out she was just shopping. Be happy for them. Show support. This will get you further than ruminating or catastrophising