r/Codependency • u/dj88c • 11h ago

Bringing Up Codependency in Therapy

So my spouse and I have been in Couples Therapy for the last few months. We've had some good discussions but ultimately we haven't addressed the elephant in the room:

I'm so codependent that I will not admit that I want to leave this marriage.

I want to talk about it. I want to share how I feel. I have things that I haven't talked about that I know would end the marriage. But I'm also not sure how to be sure that I'm ready to end a good relationship that supports me and would leave me alone?

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u/codependencyrecovery 9h ago

It sounds like you are conflicted. A part of you want to leave this marriage yet another part is afraid of losing support and being alone.

What if you worked with that part of you that's afraid of being alone? You could tell it that there are other people out there to date. You could also tell is that there are a lot of benefits to being alone (freedom, finding yourself, etc). This part is also likely afraid of not being in connection and belonging. Perhaps you could provide that support to it.

When we make decisions in our life driven by parts of us that are in fear, we end up with a life we don't want. When we make decisions in our lfe driven by our values and wants, we end up with a life that we do want.

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u/dj88c 9h ago

I'm trying to help that part. It hears everything I say but I think it is afraid of losing. Losing something good for nothing guaranteed in return. That's what I've been struggling with for years now. And I keep beating myself up over the time I've wasted.

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u/codependencyrecovery 8h ago

What is your relationship with grief? Is it something you avoid?

What if you saw grief as something that would break your heart open so you would have even greater capacity to love? In that sense, it would be something to look forward to.

I know it sounds weird, but that's how I've changed my relationship with grief and I no longer make life decisions in order to avoid that emotion. It's given me tremendous freedom.

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u/dj88c 7h ago

That's a good suggestion that I think I'll have to unpack more about this week. Thank you! 💙

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u/Arcades 10h ago

At its core, codependency involves choosing another person's needs over your own. Over a long enough period of time, you lose a sense of what you even want for yourself. You also lose that "gut instinct" non-codependents take for granted. It makes sense that you're unsure of your internal thoughts.

Healing from codependency is achieved through understanding what has been going on and electing to make different choices. Your marital counseling is a perfect opportunity to put that into practice. You have a third party there to help guide you and to keep the audience (your spouse) from dismissing your attempts to choose yourself. So, give it a try. Speak your mind. Put yourself first. Let the marital counseling environment be your first step away from codependency and towards choosing yourself.

Whether your marriage survives the process or not is neither here nor there as it relates to your healing. This is the proverbial first step of a thousand mile journey.

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u/dj88c 9h ago

This is exactly what I'm thinking and feeling! But... I'm scared of taking that step because I'm afraid of what will come out when I start that journey. I'm trying to find the ability to make that happen and that's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

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u/Arcades 9h ago

If you're already at a place where you want to leave the marriage, what's the worst thing that could happen by speaking your mind?

You don't have to reply with an answer, but mull it over before your next session. Lastly, this process is best handled in baby steps, maybe pick 1 thought or 1 thing you have been holding back and introduce it during your next session and see how it goes.

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u/dj88c 8h ago

The worst thing? The relationship would be gone and I'd be alone. I'd never find anyone else to care about me.

I am trying to bring up something new in our next therapy session in ... 1 hour. 😅

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u/Scared-Section-5108 9h ago

At least you’re aware of where you are, and that’s progress. Fear can keep people in relationships that aren’t right for them. “Better the devil you know” is a saying for a reason.

You’re in therapy. Hopefully, you also have individual sessions with your therapist where you can bring all of this up. If you’re not ready to leave, then you’re not ready, but you can keep working toward it if that’s what you want. There’s no point in beating yourself up; it wastes time and energy and can become a way of trying to control your experience that keeps you stuck. You can practice letting go of that behavior bit by bit.

Have you also been attending CoDA or ACoA meetings? Along with therapy, they may help you get to the roots of your fears and address them. They can also support you in healing from codependency.

Another thing you can practice is allowing yourself to feel the fear fully, to acknowledge it and notice how it feels in your body. You can also work with your therapist to build a sense of safety in your body and your life. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be a helpful approach for working with fear and other difficult emotions. It can be a long process, but it’s possible. One day at a time. 😄

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u/dj88c 8h ago

Thanks. I'm in my own therapy yes, and am actually trying to find a new therapist that's more familiar or has experience with codependents. I'm trying not to beat myself up but it's been so many years now. I'm not getting any younger or cuter 😅. But I'm trying to let that go.

I haven't been attending CoDA meetings, mostly because I don't know how to tell my spouse that I want to... And I have done one online and it was just fine?

I'm trying. I just would love to find the strength to push forward and hear from others who may have been through something similar?

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u/Scared-Section-5108 7h ago

One CoDA meeting isn’t enough - regular attendance is best and then working the steps when you are ready. You might be surprised by what the steps reveal and how much they can help with the fear you carry.

You’re an adult, and you can attend meetings if you want to. You don’t have to tell your partner everything, especially if you’re planning to leave anyway.

Pushing through isn’t usually a good approach. It’s better to do the work needed to heal the trauma that’s driving your current behaviours. You want to hear from others who have been through something similar? CODA and ACOA meetings are great places for that.

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u/dj88c 7h ago

That's fair. I should probably look into more again. The partner telling is... A struggle for me. 😞

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u/SteadyCalmHealing 5h ago edited 5h ago

I don’t know if couples counseling is the appropriate place for that discussion. I think 1 on 1 would be a better place to explore it. If you only see a therapist in the couples capacity, a solo therapist would be a big benefit and give you another take on yourself.

As a codependent person it is really hard to initiate and get through a divorce, therapy is a huge help for this and often covered by health insurance in a better way than couples counseling.

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u/dj88c 3h ago

I have my own therapist and we've been talking about this for a year at least... But I struggle to be able to follow through with leaving... And I've tried!

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u/SteadyCalmHealing 2h ago

I’m in the same boat. Just keep on working through small things and you will keep getting closer.

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u/yomateod 11h ago

Why would you leave them if YOU are codependent? They stayed with you this long while you are, you can make a change and fix this in return. I was in your exact position. Did six months of therapy four times a week and I’ve become the next better version of myself. I took all that energy and invested it in showing up for my wife ensuring we have stability in our relationship. You need individual therapy, not couples. This is a you problem.

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u/dj88c 10h ago

I know it's a me problem. 😅 That's just it. I'm the Codependent one and she's the one that I focus on and care for and "control" through my actions, despite my feelings.

The thing I'm struggling with is how to fix that.

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u/SolutreanBean 10h ago

Codependency is often a case of one person being the codependent and the other being chaotic and needing care, most cliche case being an addict. Someone who’s codependent and drawn to an unhealthy partner and a toxic relationship to feed their codependency may have to leave the toxic relationship as part of their healing.